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How To Have The ‘Sex Talk’ with Your Kids

USA, New Jersey, Jersey City, Mother with daughter (8-9) talking on bed

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Let’s talk about “the talk.” Yep! The birds and the bees.

At some point, every parent needs to give their kids a heads up on what’s going on with their bodies and their sexuality, right? In a perfect world, that would be true, but even well-meaning parents may not know how to approach the topic. In my family, for example, I never even heard my mother or father say the word “s-e-x” until I was in my 30s!

I want to equip ESSENCE moms with a cheat sheet on how to give your kids “the talk.” After all, sexuality is a natural part of life, and loving your sexual self is important to having high self-esteem overall. Since I’m not yet a mom, I called on a friend who is also a parenting specialist to weigh in on the topic.

Parenting expert Erickka Sy Savané was once an international model and host of her own video countdown show on MTV Europe. These days, the woman who has also written for almost every major publication can be seen as the host of a new digital series called POP MOM. She says that the show and accompanying blog is a way to get African American mothers to share and discuss hot topics. Erickka lives in New Jersey with her husband and two daughters, ages 6 and 4.

Sex ed is such an important topic. Consequences of poor sexual education at home may include unintentional pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, body hatred and low self-esteem. My parents told me absolutely nothing about love, sex, dating and relationships. Were your parents open about sex and sexuality?

I grew up with a single mom talked to me about my period after it happened, and I vaguely remember her telling me something about sex when I was in high school. She might have mentioned getting on birth control pills if I felt like I was going to have sex. But it wasn’t a talk that started when I was young, like I’m starting to do with my daughter who is 6 years old. For instance, my daughter asked me about my current POP MOM episode that talks about ‘the sex talk and dads,’ so I had a conversation with her.

I want to be honest and I want sexuality to be something that is viewed as normal, while also letting her know that it is something for when she is much older. I wish my mom would have talked to me about sex as I was growing up so by the time I was in high school it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. I think it’s important to take the taboo out of it because as humans we are here to reproduce.

When parents ask me about how to talk to their kids about their bodies and sex, I generally advise them to begin early with age appropriate topics, as you’re doing with your daughter. How young is too young to have these conversations?

I say, if they’re asking give them answers that they can handle, while maintaining certain levels of truth. I had to start the sex talk with my daughter when she was in kindergarten because she had a classmate and best friend that started telling her all these inappropriate stories that she was observing either in her home or on TV. I didn’t want my daughter learning about sex through a 5-year-old. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Carothers says that appropriate sex conversation should begin as early as 8 or 9 years old.

Whenever we have thought about sex ed at home previously, as a culture, it has been mom talking to girls and dad talking to boys. I am so grateful for you approaching the topic of daddies talking to daughters as our relationships with our fathers define, to some extent, our de facto relationships with men.

I decided to address the sex talk from a dad’s perspective when I realized that, “Oh! I have a husband.” Unlike my mom, who was a single parent and had to do it alone, I was able to see that I can share this experience with him so it made me ask my own husband about his plans with our two daughters, and from there I wanted to hear from other dads. I was able to see that dads do have plans, even if they don’t verbalize them. I was also able to see that just by posing the question to dads, they were able to more clearly define their plans. It’s a conversation that moms and dads should be having, and having with their girls together because dads do have a different perspective that girls need to hear. It’s real value.

Growing up, my mom gave me a stack of pamphlets and books to answer my questions. How does a parent who is nervous and uncomfortable about the topic themselves bring up the issue?

Good question. Books and youtube videos give good advice. Also, a parent doesn’t have to go all-in, from the first conversation. They can start by talking about related topics like dating boys and what that means to them and their friends. Start slow and build up.

What do you advise moms say to their sons?

I think they should be honest about how babies are born. Like the technical and emotional aspects of it. I think moms should talk about respecting a woman’s body, the consequences of sex (pregnancy and disease), and I think women and men should be big on discussing consent. I read that Nate Parker [who was accused of rape] had no talks about consent beyond if a woman says yes or no. How about if a woman is drunk, unconscious? It’s still a no. I think that needs to be addressed with boys for sure. Women can do it.

Great conversation, Erickka. I am thankful for your work. Why do you feel that this topic so important?

It’s important because we were put on this planet to reproduce; so sex is a natural part of our lives like eating and sleeping. If we normalize it from a young age by talking about it, with all it’s grey areas, kids will have a better time. I find myself having identity, gay and transgender talks with my daughters because there’s no way around it

Complete Article HERE!

UA Report: Few Studies Look at Well-Being of LGB Youth of Color

Studies that do look at gay, lesbian and bisexual youth of color tend to focus on negative outcomes, a UA-led report finds.

By Alexis Blue

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While research on lesbian, gay and bisexual youth has increased in recent years, these studies often fail to look at the experiences of young people of color, according to a new report in the Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health.

This omission may lead to wide gaps in understanding the experience of sexual minority youth who also are part of a racial or ethnic minority, says University of Arizona researcher Russell Toomey, lead author of the report.

Russell Toomey

Russell Toomey

Studies that do look at gay, lesbian and bisexual youth — also known as sexual minority youth — of color tend to focus on negative outcomes, such as sexual risk-taking behavior and alcohol and tobacco use, rather than normal developmental experiences. This is according to researchers’ review and analysis of 125 reports on sexual minority youth of color, age 25 and younger, published since 1990.

“Adolescence is a time of identity development — when we figure out who we are — and most of the research really hasn’t paid attention to the fact that the youth have multiple identities that they’re juggling at the same time,” said Toomey, assistant professor in the John & Doris Norton School of Family and Consumer Sciences in the UA College of Agriculture and Life Sciences.

“Studies focus on young people’s sexual identity but they totally ignore racial or ethnic identity, which is also becoming very salient and important during adolescence,” Toomey said. “Very few studies have merged those two and examined how an LGB-identified person might have to navigate sexual identity in the context of their culture or vice versa.”

Toomey conducted the literature review with collaborators Virginia Huynh, professor at California State University, Northridge; Samantha K. Jones, researcher at the University of Missouri; Sophia Lee, a graduate student at San Diego State University; and Michelle Revels-Macalinao, a graduate student at California State University, Northridge.

Given that lesbian, gay and bisexual teens are coming out at younger ages and given that the nation’s demographics are changing, with the U.S. Census Bureau projecting that the nation’s Hispanic population will nearly double by 2050, it’s critically important to consider the intersection between sexual orientation and race-ethnicity, Toomey said.

Also important, Toomey said, is looking at the normal, everyday experiences of teens with multiple oppressed identities.

“The literature’s focus has really been on understanding negative outcomes among LGB youth of color, and we’re not focused on any of their normative experiences as people,” he said. “This particular adolescent population has really been framed as a ‘risk population,’ and we need to start to understand their experiences with family and school contexts to really understand how to prevent or reduce some of those negative outcomes.”

Toomey and his collaborators also found that the experiences of women and transgender individuals were largely invisible in the reports they analyzed, with the majority of studies looking solely at men. This signals another area where more research is needed.

“It will help us to understand the complexities of young people growing up in the U.S. today if instead of ‘siloing’ their experiences we try to examine their holistic experience,” Toomey said. “Paying attention to the multiple layers of youths’ lives will help us to better understand how to reduce disparities in health and well-being by targeting intervention and prevention in more culturally appropriate ways.”

Complete Article HERE!

How Finding Your Boyfriend’s ‘G-Spot’ Is The Secret To Unforgettable Sex

By

sex-panther

There are various myths around the concept of prostate massage.

Interestingly, as more men and women become aware of the benefits of massaging the prostate area, the taboos surrounding this highly sensual experience are breaking down.

Despite what you may have heard, prostate massage is an extremely healthy activity that two people can enjoy in order to improve their intimacy and physical relationship.

If you like the idea of engaging in this pleasurable treatment, here is why your man may want a prostate massage, and how you can give him a mind blowing orgasm from it.

But first, you might want to know a little more about the prostate.

The prostate is a reproductive gland that’s located directly under the bladder, around 2 to 3 inches inside the anal passage. You may have also heard the prostate referred to as the male G-spot. There’s a very good reason for this. The prostate is part of the male orgasm cycle and stimulation of this area promotes erection and sensations of heightened pleasure.


Why should I give my partner a prostate massage?

Many men enjoy direct stimulation of the prostate due to the blissful sensations it brings. Furthermore, a prostate massage promotes an enjoyable sex life and increased sexual confidence. In a survey by a British tantric massage agency, around 33 percent of men experienced orgasms more intense than their usual ones, as well as benefiting from thicker, firmer erections.

Erectile problems are diminished with regular prostate massage as stimulation of this region increases blood flow to the area, encouraging an erection to occur. This improves your sexual energy and reduces any stress or frustration you may have been having about sexual activity.

By engaging in regular prostate massage, you’ll be relishing the thought of trying new experiences, feeling healthier and happier about the connection you have with a partner. You and your partner will feel completely relaxed during this erotic, sensual activity, increasing the sexual confidence of both of you.

Is prostate massage for everyone?

While many assume that prostate massage is an experience that only gay men participate in, it’s actually an activity that men of any sexuality enjoy. In the same survey by the massage agency, 80 percent of women said they would be happy to give their partner a prostate massage, demonstrating that this is an experience that can be shared by both sexes. It’s a very healthy activity for men and women to engage in, as well as being completely safe.

Using a prostate massager is an easy method of giving your partner a prostate massage and as stats show an increase in the sales of prostate massagers, you can be assured that it’s something that many couples are experimenting in, in order to boost their relationship and the intimate connection between them. A massage is a very erotic activity for a man and sharing this with a loved one can boost your relationship in both physical and spiritual form.

Prostate massage also has a vast number of health benefits, such as reducing the risk of contracting prostate cancer, eliminating infections and inflammation, minimizing painful ejaculation, lowering the risk of bladder infections and, of course, promoting a healthy sex life. As these benefits demonstrate, by massaging the prostate area, you’re encouraging good health and vitality. 

How can I give my partner an incredible prostate massage?

If you’re new to this activity, using a prostate massager is a straightforward method of ensuring your partner experiences the sensational effects of a massage. Many people assume that massaging the prostate is a messy experience, but the anal area is normally clean. However, its best if you ensure that the bowels have been recently cleared before participating in a massage.

During preparation of a prostate massage, ensure that your partner and any massagers are clean, and that you have lube at the ready. You may prefer to take a shower together before the massage to increase the intimacy between you.

During the massage, get your partner to sit up with his legs wide, or lie on his back with a pillow below his hips. Apply lots of lube and start to work inwards, slowly and gently.

Rock the massager back and forth in a nice rhythm and allow your partner to relax and relish in the mind blowing climactic sensations.

Complete Article HERE!

Science can’t explain sexual orientation. Here’s why

By Rafi Letzter

first_kiss_still

Why are you so straight? Why are you so gay? Why are you so bi? Science doesn’t have any definite answers.

I reached out to Ritch Savin-Williams, a developmental psychologist at Cornell University and author of several books focused on sexuality. I asked him what we know about why and how people develop their sexual preferences. He explained that the answer is not all that much, and that the problem is that there’s no good way to do the necessary research.

“We have some sense that some major part of [sexuality] is biological. But what part of biology? Is it a gene? Genes? Hormones? Prenatal hormones?” he said.

This issue is prevalent across the field, he explained. The roots of attraction are a mystery.

“Why are we attracted to what we’re attracted to?” Savin-Williams asked. “For example: pedophiles. How does someone get to be a pedophile? We have no idea. We don’t even really know why someone is straight versus gay versus bi versus all the other pan-sexuals, asexuals, all of the different sexuals. We don’t know why.”

(To be clear, Savin-Williams was not morally conflating pedophilia with being straight, gay or bi — just explaining how little we understand about how attraction forms.)

The problem, he said, is that researchers in his field aren’t able to do good research on children.

“We can’t ask children about their sexuality. Take a 5-year-old and say ‘What are you sexually attracted to?’ and you’ll get put in jail. So we can’t ask children about their sexuality at all.”

There’s are obviously good reasons society frowns on asking detailed sexual questions of children. But the reality is that so much of sexual development happens at that phase of life that it’s impossible to form a complete picture without it.

“We don’t know anything about it. And yet we all know that children masturbate … We know that their sexual attractions are there before puberty. And that they’re sexually interested in themselves and other people. And yet we can’t do research on that,” he said.

What’s more, there’s reason to doubt people’s memories of their childhood sexualities once they grow up, even though that’s usually what the research is relying on.

“All of my data that I’ve collected is on adolescents and young adults, and I struggle even to ask high school kids,” Savin-Williams said. “It’s all retrospective.”

There are a few studies on children from Scandinavian countries with looser cultural norms around sexuality and childhood, Savin-Williams said. But the data is still a trickle. And without it, so much of why we develop the sexual feelings we do remains a mystery.

 Complete Article HERE!