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7 Tips For First-Time Sex with a Trans Man

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By Basil Soper

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For the Most Part Trans Guys are Just Like Other Guys

Since the population is mostly comprised of cisgender individuals it’s totally okay if you haven’t had sex with a trans person. Overall, sex with trans folks isn’t that different than sex with cis folks. However, if you’re new to sex with trans bodies and you think you may need some pointers, that’s reasonable! I am a trans man so I can only talk about what I expect from sex from my perspective. Here is a list of helpful, sexy, actions for your first time with a trans man!

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Talk Dirty to Me…by.. Asking First!

Communicating before sex, like over dinner, via text, or somewhere that makes you comfortable is helpful. Find out what language he uses for his genitala. I call mine the “downstairs.” Ask him about what areas are turn ons and what areas are off-limits. I know, I know.. somewhere along the line we’ve been taught that sex is only hot if it all happens in the moment. Consent is important though, and this conversation can also be used for you to state your boundaries before hand as well. If you use a safe word, this dialogue would also be the time to bring that up. Sex is much more fun and feels great when everyone is respected.

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Bender Roles

As for any person really, don’t assume he will necessarily oppose bottoming. Masculinity has nothing to with who’s penetrating and who’s receiving. Some trans guys do have a problem with being penetrated which is completely valid and should be appreciated. If this is the case with your guy, make sure you talk things through to find his sexual comfort zone. I’m a switch, which means I play both roles. Switches aren’t ‘confused’ or somehow not doing transition ‘properly.’ It just means we know what we like.

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The D

Testosterone takes the downstairs a trans guys is born with (or the body part formally known as clitoris), making it larger into a small dick, and often a lot more sensitive, though sensation may be patchy for some guys. Be mindful of this when pleasuring your dude. Just ask him to communicate the changes as they happen. Strapping on can also be a time of dysphoria for some. Strap-ons can also be an affirming, fun, way to access pleasure for others. I really enjoy wearing a strap-on when my partner puts a condom on for me.  The great thing about sleeping with a trans dude who tops with a dick on is y’all can use a dick size perfect for, and chosen by, the bottom.

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So In Lube With You

Testosterone can, in many cases, dry things up a little. Testosterone or not, trans or not, lube is splendid for any sexual occasion.  If you’re using silicone pieces, or your partner has a silicone ‘packer,’ avoid silicone-based lubricants, and if you’re using condoms, don’t use oil-based lube. Water based and or organic lube is always a good bet.

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Body Issues

If your lover hasn’t had top surgery, he may want to wear a shirt or his binder during sexual encounters. He may be okay with certain things some days and startled by the same action the next day. Dysphoria can be tricky! It comes and goes. Please realize that the way he feels about his own body, in the moment, does not have anything to do with you. If dysphoria strikes, just try to move on and stay in the moment.

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Don’t Treat Me Like a Delicate Flower

It’s true, some additional communication in a sexual endeavor with a trans guy may be needed, however, that doesn’t mean you should be too cautious or have a lot of fear of offending at any point. Sex for the first time can be awkward regardless of the body types involved! Just have fun with the person you are attracted to.

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Safety!!

Use a condom. Bear in mind that it may still be possible for a trans man to get pregnant.Whatever your gender or body type, STIs can still be contracted. Keep all dicks sanitized (the ones you buy at Babeland or the ones attached to bodies). If you’re with a new partner, or have an open relationship, get tested regularly. Sex is sexiest when everyone is at ease and on the same page!

Complete Article HERE!

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Envisioning A New Approach To Postpartum Sex

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Welcoming a baby into the world is an incredible experience, but it is certainly not a seamless one. Although your new bundle of joy may be small, metaphorically speaking, they occupy a lot of space, with your partner and intimacy being the first thing to be pushed to the side.

As part of running MysteryVibe, I speak to women and men from different countries, backgrounds, and cultures every day – and one of the most common themes of discussions or questions people ask me is around reclaiming intimacy and sexual pleasure after childbirth.

The 6-week check-up often marks the moment when new moms are physically cleared by their doctors to have sex again. But while you might be given the green light, many women are simply not ready emotionally for penetrative sex.

You have welcomed a new human into the world, and while your heart could burst from all the love you feel, likewise you might be worried sick about their well-being at every moment, ready to cry at the drop of a pin.

Between the physical recovery of birth, a flurry of activities and the emotional rollercoaster of hormones, the last thing on your mind during the postpartum is being physically available for yourself, much less your partner.

But that does not mean that you have to give up on intimacy altogether.

It is time to reframe the 6 week check-up, and move beyond its unrealistic presumption that makes new mothers feel pressured to jump back into the sack after a string of sexless months, and guilty or ashamed when they cannot bring themselves to do it right away.

Rather, we propose a new vision of postpartum sex as a gentle journey of intimacy that leads to a fulfilling, pleasurable relationship with your partner, where sex does not have to mean intercourse right away.

A journey that will not necessarily lead you back to your pre-baby sex life, but to a new normal that can even be more emotionally (and physically) satisfying than ever before!

The rules of the game – go at your own pace, take it slow, communicate your needs to your partner, sit back, relax and let yourself enjoy the pleasure.  Here we offer you a few tips to kickstart your journey.

1. TLC- tender loving care. Before you can be emotionally or physically available for your partner, you must carve out some time for some self-love. Perhaps let dad or grandparents have some alone time with the new arrival – take a bubble bath, go for a walk in nature or perhaps cuddle up in a cozy blanket listening to your favorite tunes.

If you are up to it, maybe try a solo session, using a clitoral stimulator or small vibrator with lots of lubricants. Because of your body’s changing-needs, highly-customizable toys like MysteryVibe’s Crescendo will be a great fit as you can change its shape along with creating unique patterns of vibrations (spanning from super gentle to more powerful).

Toys like this are super effective at satisfying both penetrative and non-penetrative play, and don’t rely on friction or thrusting, which can be painful for many women post-birth. This will be a great time to reconnect with your body, with orgasms acting as stress relievers as well.

Whatever it is, love yourself and do what makes you feel good!

2. Rediscover the power of cuddling and kissing. While it may feel like you are regressing back to ‘first base’, these simple forms of physical touch with your partner increase* oxytocin levels, also known as the ‘bonding’ hormone that can help reduce* stress and anxiety.

So, when your baby is sleeping, take some time to simply hold each other’s hands or wrap yourself up in one another’s arms as you watch some TV.  When you are feeling ready for second base, allow your lips to linger and move into loving, passionate kisses.

3. Venture outside the usual. For many women, their breasts and vagina feel less sexual during the postpartum period. Once a focal point in the bedroom, breasts are now inflated and sore, and the vulva and vagina may be recovering from the physical trauma of childbirth.

No need to fret. There are many other erogenous zones that can bring you pleasure.  With their hands and/or mouth, ask your partner to stimulate other areas of your body.

Try some of these: ears, neck, nape of neck, spine, back, behind the knees and feet. These areas are full of nerve endings and can reveal some unexpectedly pleasurable sensations.

4. Explore non-penetrative practices. There are many ways to experience mutual pleasure and intimacy with your partner outside of the traditional penetrative act. Try reinventing the 69.

If you are not ready for vaginal or clitoral action, ask your partner to massage your feet that stimulate blood flow up to your legs and abdomen, while you return the favor with your hands or mouth.

You and your partner could also try intercrural sex, where the penis is stimulated by being placed in between your thighs. Or, on the flip side, intergluteal sex where the penis can be stimulated by moving between the buttocks.

For the last two, we recommend lube.

5. Invest in some good quality lube. When you are ready for more advanced foreplay or penetrative sex, do not be shocked if you are not naturally lubricating downstairs. Dryness is another side-effect of declined estrogen and progesterone levels post-birth.

Lube will be your best friend when you are getting back to the norm with your partner, helping things run smoothly. Clitoral stimulators can also act as great tools in this department. Also, do not forget to relax.

Many women feel a mixture of fear and anxiety about returning back to penetrative sex after months of celibacy, leading to a tenseness that will undeniably make sex less pleasurable. If you can, have a glass of wine, take your time, let your partner give you a massage, and then get the lube out!

6. The gift that keeps on giving. So maybe you are just not in the mood? Because of wonky hormonal changes, it’s totally normal to experience plummeted levels of libido. It’s ok.

Nonetheless, women put pressure on themselves to perform in the bedroom out of guilt for not tending to their partner’s sexual needs. Consider buying masturbating toys for your partner, it will show them that you care without forcing yourself to do anything out of your comfort zone.

All in all, intimacy with your partner can help decrease* your stress, improve* your confidence and (contrary to belief) energize you! Making space to prioritize intimacy, without the pressure of going all in, can help nurture a deep connection with your partner that can translate to increased happiness and wellbeing.

Do not expect to go from 0 to 100 after your 6 week check-up. Remember, most women wait longer than 6 weeks, and many women will not get 100% back into the groove of things for months.

Allow this journey back to intimacy be an exciting opportunity to rediscover the relationship you have with your own body and to find new techniques that lie outside the norm with your partner.

The key is to take things slowly, to listen to yourself, communicate with your partner, and when the time comes, use lots and lots of lube.

Complete Article HERE!

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10 Things I Wish I Was Taught in Sex Ed

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By MysteryVibe

Other than attempting to put a condom on a banana, sex education at school was pretty non-existent.

Being a teenager feels like the hardest thing in the world. You’re growing body parts where you never had body parts before and you’re feeling all warm and tingly down below whenever you look at your crush. You have an urge to touch yourself, but you don’t know why and for some reason, you feel embarrassed and ashamed for these things.

When you finally find out what ‘sex’ is, the only things you’re taught are:

  • If you’re a man, you put your penis inside a vagina and after a while something explodes
  • If you’re a woman, you’ll get pregnant

As we learn about sex, so much education and advice focuses on things like pregnancy, STIs, or what body part goes where and when.

This leads to a whole host of problems, from unsatisfying sex to inability to orgasm.

But sex isn’t about actions – it’s about sensation, and connection. It’s the exploration of sensuality, of love, lust, of things that make you feel good. It’s laughter, pleasure, play.

And it’s the most human thing we do.

You don’t need me to tell you that our sex education needs a serious overhaul, you already know that. But here are 10 things I wish we were taught about sex, sexuality and intimacy.

Hopefully anyone searching for similar enlightenment will read this and not feel so scared, or worried about their future sexual endeavours.

1. I wish I was taught what my clitoris was, and where I could find it

The female anatomy is somewhat an enigma when it comes to sex ed. We’re taught that a man’s penis becomes erect, and that means they’re ready for sex.

But what happens for women? We just lay back and think happy thoughts?

Unlike our male counterparts, we don’t have a natural signal to tell us when we’re feeling aroused, but that doesn’t change the fact we do feel these things.

I wish my sex education teacher taught me about the beauty and delicacy of my clitoris. I wish they told me how pleasurable sex and intimacy could be.

2. I wish I was taught the meaning of consent

It’s a sad reality that the majority of women reading this would have, at some point in their lives, felt sexual discomfort.

When we talk about consent, we mean informed, enthusiastic consent.

There is a huge lack of understanding about what consent means and how we should all practice enthusiastic consent. We’re taught that no means no, but what about if we change our mind halfway through, or we’re too embarrassed to say no?

I wish I were taught that it’s okay to say no. That my body is mine, and nobody has the right to touch it without my consent.

When we first start having sex, sometimes we feel pressured into doing things that we’d rather not. It’s important we’re taught to ignore societal ideologies like ‘you’re a prude if you don’t have sex’ or ‘you’re a tease if you don’t go all the way’.

That’s another point – it is absolutely your right to stop any sexual contact whenever you want.

Sex should never be something you endure.

3. I wish I was taught literally anything about LGBTQ+ sexuality

Even the existence of LGBTQ+ people at all.

Being a teenager is really hard. Being a teenager and feeling as though you’re different, or there’s something wrong, is even harder.

We need to give people context, and teach them that it’s not always boy meets girl.

It may be boy meets boy, girl meets girl. Or even better, X meet X.

4. I wish I was taught sex isn’t just penetrative

What about kissing, caressing, licking, nibbling, touching… usually, sex is defined as penis in vagina penetration, but there’s so much more than that.

Instead of talking about ‘sex’, let’s talk about ‘pleasure’. What makes us feel good? After all, that’s what sex is all about.

5. I wish I knew that pornography doesn’t represent real sex

I remember porn being so alien to me. Why don’t I look like that? Should I be making those noises? Should my sexual partner be doing that to my face?

There are so many misrepresentations of what makes sex ‘good’ in mainstream porn, which it gives us all an unrealistic idea of what we should enjoy.

It’s really important we teach people diversity and give them images of real people having real sex.

There are so many amazing, innovative, creative people out there making porn that doesn’t disrespect women or mistreat their actors. Porn that speaks about sex, passion, lust and pleasure, aimed to excite your mind and body simultaneously.

That’s the stuff we should be teaching in school.

6. I wish I was taught about safe sex, properly

There are so many different forms of contraception on the market, something I only learnt after years of sexual activity.

We were never taught that taking the pill may come with a list of side effects for women, or that you can catch an STI from performing oral sex without a condom.

For some reason, safe sex is often linked with unsexy sex. This needs to change. We should never be embarrassed, or feel ashamed for using or carrying condoms.

Even if you are using other contraception, but feel a little nervous and would rather use a condom for extra protection – do it!

There are so many great products in the market now, so if any man tells you it doesn’t feel as nice, or it’s desensitising, ignore and tell him to check out our friends HANX.

7. I wish I was taught that orgasm isn’t everything

Did you know that 80% of women find it almost impossible to orgasm through penetrative sex?

I remember the first person I ever had sex with being baffled by the fact I didn’t orgasm “but I always make a woman come!” well, not me.

We read so much about orgasms, that we fixate too much on reaching it. If we don’t climax, sex isn’t successful.

Let’s change that mentality. Pleasure encompasses more than just orgasm.

The ability to orgasm is all in your mind, so if you’re letting yourself worry about it, then it’s probably not going to happen.

Don’t let any sexual partner make you feel bad about your lack of orgasm. Every person is different.

8. I wish I knew fetishes are okay

Through sexual exploration, you may find out that you like being tied up, or spanked, or have a fascination with feet or role-play.

Our sex education should teach people that different sexual desires and tastes are normal, and encourage us to explore different sensations.

9. I wish I was taught our genitals are all normal

In our last blog we spoke about embracing your vulva, and enjoying oral sex.

Whether you’re male or female, try not to worry about the size and shape of your genitals because they are fine. Seriously, we’re all normal. No two penises or vulvae are the same.

I wish we were shown natural images of all different kinds of genitals so that we were able to love our bodies as they are, and not compare ourselves to the idealised images we see through mainstream porn.

10. I wish I was taught about safe sex toys

This is so critical. Naturally, we begin to experiment with masturbation from a young age.

That could mean using household objects to touch or insert. Objects that aren’t body-safe potentially covered in bacteria and harmful chemicals that shouldn’t be anywhere near our genitals.

This is very dangerous, and something that’s not discussed widely enough – educating children about safe sex toys and materials is absolutely essential.

Complete Article HERE!

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Why Aren’t Women Getting Enough Oral Sex?

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By MysteryVibe

Think of all the sexual partners you’ve ever had…

How many of these partners received oral sex from you? Compare that figure to the amount of partners who reciprocated, and gave you oral sex in return. I already know the total doesn’t add up.

The oral sex gap is a thing, and it needs addressing.

What went wrong? When we were reading articles like ‘how to give your boyfriend the best blow job’ or ‘10 tips your boyfriend wish you knew about giving oral sex’, where were the articles saying ‘what every woman wishes you knew about oral sex’ or ‘how to make your girlfriend scream, using your tongue’.

Seldom do we see the same attention given to female pleasure than that of male pleasure, which is crazy when you think that 80% of women find it difficult – or even impossible – to orgasm through penetrative, penis in vagina sex.

A study of men and women (in heterosexual relationships) found that women are more than twice as likely to offer their partners oral sex than men. Why is that? Because we don’t like it? No, that can’t be right. Because it’s too hard? Nope – don’t think so. Because it takes longer? I mean, perhaps but so what?

For some reason, our culture has depicted that oral sex for women is way more intimate than that for men; therefore cunnilingus in casual relationships is often sparse.

Whereas lots of women are comfortable (and used to) performing oral sex with their male partner, receiving it feels like a gift only to be given by regular lovers.

I think it’s time we stop pretending this isn’t happening, stop accepting excuses and start getting the pleasure we deserve.

I’m sure there will be men out there reading this thinking ‘hey wait! I’m a good guy – I like to give’. Yes, I’m not denying there are many generous lovers out there; the problem is (figures show) that you’re part of a minority.

We shouldn’t have to congratulate every man that gives us oral sex; male focused oral is a given. Female focused oral shouldn’t be any different.

The sad reality is that for a lot of women, receiving oral sex is awkward, embarrassing and not enjoyable.

The good news is, we think that’s just because you haven’t learned to embrace it.

Here are a few common concerns we have when it comes to oral sex. I hope reading them will help you sit back, relax and finally enjoy the attention your vulva deserves.

1. You’re worried about how you look and taste

This is our most common concern. The lack of education and exploration surrounding female pleasure has resulted in women feeling ashamed of their vagina.

We’re taught to dislike the appearance of our vulva, and constantly question or feel embarrassed about our natural vaginal smells and tastes.

Whoever said penis tastes, looks or smells better than any vagina had obviously never pleasured a woman.

We all want to have a ‘nice’, ‘normal’ vagina. But what does that even mean?! What constitutes ‘nice’?

There is no ‘normal’ vulva. They come in all shapes, sizes, textures and colours. No two labia or clitoris are alike – some are long, some are thick, some are small, some are big.

As the wonderful Emily Nagoski once wrote:

“When you can see your body as it is, rather than what culture proclaims it to mean, then you experience how much easier it is to live with and love your genitals, along with the rest of your sexuality, precisely as they are.”

I promise you, there is nothing wrong with your vagina. We all smell and taste differently and that’s fine. Your natural scents are nothing to be ashamed of, and should never be the reason you decline oral sex.

If you need more convincing, this article from Cosmopolitan answers some of the questions we’ve all asked ourselves in the past.

2. You’re not used to having all the attention

We all get a bit embarrassed when we’re in the spotlight. Whether that’s opening birthday presents in front of a big crowd, or opening your legs for a slightly smaller crowd… the trick is to not overthink it.

Enjoy the moment and the pleasure your partner is giving you.

Try not to fixate on when you’re going to climax; firstly, that’ll defuse the likelihood of it actually happening, and it will distract you from actually enjoying the experience.

Orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of your sexual experience.

Obviously it’s an added bonus, but enjoy the sensation of your partners tongue around your clitoris, or their lips kissing your inner thigh. That’s just as pleasurable.

Understanding this, and embracing the little things, will help you reach a better, more intense orgasm.

If that doesn’t work, you could always try using your Crescendo at the same time. I guarantee you’ll feel amazing.

3. You’re not taking enough control

Taking control and talking to your partner about what you like isn’t rude.

I speak to so many women who feel bad about stopping their partner from doing something they don’t like. If you don’t like how vigorous he is, or how hard he nibbles, you need to tell him.

There’s nothing worse than bad sex. Oral isn’t about endurance – it’s about pleasure.

Never just ‘put up’ with something because he thinks it feels good. Communicate, and you’ll both become better lovers in the long run.

Don’t be afraid to thrust your hips, angle your vulva around their mouth or even hold their head (as long as they’re into that).

If anything, your partner will find your eagerness to pleasure yourself sexy.

4. You feel awkward giving feedback

Of course you don’t want your sexual partner thinking they did a bad job, and it can be tough voicing your desires, but giving feedback is really beneficial for both of you.

You can’t give yourself oral sex, so it can be difficult to describe how you like it.

You can’t give them a step-by-step guide, but you can give examples of when they did something that felt great.

For example, if you really liked the slow build up, or you enjoyed it when they licked harder or slower or faster, tell them.

You can use this as a way to praise your partner, whilst giving feedback at the same time.

Remember that there’s no need to be silent during sex, so why not try and do this while he’s still down there, that way you have a better chance of having a great time!

 

Guys: if you’re looking for some descriptive advice and techniques, I recommend you read “She Comes First”. I promise it will completely change the way you think about cunnilingus, and maybe even make you quite the connoisseur!

Complete Article HERE!

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All forms of sexual harassment can cause psychological harm

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“Being exposed to non-physical sexual harassment can negatively affect symptoms of anxiety, depression, negative body image and low self-esteem,” say Associate Professor Mons Bendixen and Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology’s (NTNU) Department of Psychology.

This applies to derogatory sexual remarks about appearance, behaviour and sexual orientation, unwanted sexual attention, being subject to rumouring, and being shown sexually oriented images, and the like.

The researchers posed questions about sexual experienced in the previous year and received responses from almost 3,000 high school students in two separate studies. The responses paint a clear picture.

Worst for girls. This is not exclusively something boys do against girls. It’s just as common for boys to harass boys in these ways.

Girls and boys are equally exposed to unpleasant or offensive non-physical sexual harassment. About 62 per cent of both sexes report that they have experienced this in the past year.

“Teens who are harassed the most also struggle more in general. But girls generally struggle considerably more than boys, no matter the degree to which they’re being harassed in this way,” Kennair notes.

“Girls are also more negatively affected by sexual harassment than boys are,” adds Bendixen.

Being a girl is unquestionably the most important risk factor when teens report that they struggle with anxiety, depression, or .

However, non-physical sexual harassment is the second most important factor, and is more strongly associated with adolescents’ psychological well-being than being subjected to sexual coercion in the past year or sexual assault prior to that.

Level of severity

Bendixen and Kennair believe it’s critical to distinguish between different forms of harassment.

They divided the types of harassment into two main groups: non-physical harassment and physically coercive sexual behaviour, such as unwanted kissing, groping, intimate touch, and intercourse. Physical sexual coercion is often characterized as sexual abuse in the literature.

Studies usually lump these two forms of unwanted behaviour together into the same measure. This means that a derogatory comment is included in the same category as rape.

“As far as we know, this is the first study that has distinguished between these two forms and specifically looked at the effects of non-physical sexual harassment,” says Bendixen.

Comments that for some individuals may seem innocent enough can cause significant problems for others.

Many factors accounted for

Not everyone interprets slang or slurs the same way. If someone calls you a “whore” or “gay,” you may not find it offensive. For this reason, the researchers let the adolescents decide whether they perceived a given action as offensive or not, and had them only report what they did find offensive.

The article presents data from two studies. The first study from 2007 included 1384 . The second study included 1485 students and was conducted in 2013-2014. Both studies were carried out in Sør-Trøndelag county and are comparable with regard to demographic conditions.

The results of the first study were reproduced in the second. The findings from the two studies matched each other closely.

The researchers also took into account a number of other potentially influential factors, such as having parents who had separated or were unemployed, educational programme (vocational or general studies), sexual minority status, , and whether they had experienced physical coercion in the past year or any sexual assaults previous to that.

“We’ve found that sexual minorities generally reported more psychological distress,” says Bendixen. The same applied to with parents who are unemployed. On the other hand, students with immigrant status did not report more psychological issues. Bendixen also notes that sexual minorities did not seem to be more negatively affected by sexual harassment than their heterosexual peers.

However, the researchers did find a clear negative effect of non-physical sexual harassment, over and beyond that of the risk factors above.

Uncertain as to what is an effective intervention

So what can be done to reduce behaviours that may cause such serious problems for so many?

Kennair concedes that he doesn’t know what can help.

“This has been studied for years and in numerous countries, but no studies have yet revealed any lasting effects of measures aimed at combating sexual harassment,” Bendixen says. “We know that attitude campaigns can change people’s attitudes to harassment, but it doesn’t result in any reduction in harassment behaviour.”

Bendixen and Kennair want to look into this in an upcoming study. Their goal is to develop practices that reduce all forms of and thereby improve young people’s psychological well-being.

Complete Article HERE!

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