From threesomes to dreaming of sleeping with someone else, your raunchy dreams unravelled
By Tracey Cox
Good news if you enjoy having erotic daydreams. Research done by an Israeli psychologist has just found having sexual fantasies about people other than your partner doesn’t significantly harm your relationship.
So let’s skip to the second most popular question people ask about their fantasies: what do they mean?
Why does an image of your next door neighbor naked suddenly pop up in your head when you have zero attraction in real life?
Why do we fantasise about things we have no desire to do in reality?
Analysing fantasies is a bit like dream analysis: it’s more about individual interpretation than general concepts. Dreaming of performing on stage is a positive dream for some; for others it would qualify as an anxiety dream.
So let your instincts guide you on what rings true and what doesn’t but here are some common female fantasy themes and what therapists conclude from them.
It’s a universal need to want people to find you attractive.
But what if you were so attractive, people really couldn’t help themselves and were literally falling at your feet, begging you to let them kiss you, touch you, have sex with you?
Being adored rather handily removes responsibility for what follows: you’re being seduced by people who are desperate to possess you, how could you possibly resist? Because society frowns on women who instigate sexual encounters, our subconscious tries to find ways to make it ‘acceptable’ and this is one of them.
Sometimes, recurring fantasies of being irresistible mean there’s an unconscious fear that in reality the opposite is true.
In this case, it can reflect low self-esteem and fears of sexual inadequacy.
In most, it’s simply a healthy outlet for the recurring dream of going to bed as ourselves and waking up as a supermodel.
No prizes for guessing this one is about power.
One person has it, the other doesn’t and we’re attracted to both for different reasons.
Stripped of it, we are completely at the mercy of someone else, absolving us of responsibility. This means we’re ‘forced’ to enjoy whatever the other person does to us.
If you’re a people-pleaser and usually the ‘giver’, this makes it impossible to reciprocate.
If we’re the ones in control, we’re given permission to be completely selfish.
This is particularly popular with women who are shy and undemanding in real life.
The desire to be the boss and be in control isn’t exclusive to men but being sexually aggressive is seen as male trait.
Lots of women are worried they won’t be seen as feminine if they act dominant during sex but our imagination (thank God) isn’t bound by the same rules which dictate society. We might choose to ‘behave’ during waking hours but in our dreams and our fantasies, our forceful, domineering sides are given freedom.
We don’t wait to be given ‘permission’ but take what we want, when we want it, without apology.
The goal isn’t to humiliate our lover, it’s to give us a total sense of control.
Sometimes it’s a replay of what actually happened with a particularly desirable ex (we tend to marry for love not sex); if it’s someone new, the grass-is-greener philosophy is at play.
The more forbidden the person (our partner’s best friend, someone’s father, the boss), the more powerful the fantasy.
The ‘we want what we can’t have’ syndrome is especially potent in sex.
Him watching you have sex with another man
You’re insatiable – he alone can’t satisfy you
The person who craves sex more is seen as more sexually powerful, so this is a power fantasy as well.
It also hints at the urge to show off: we can only see so much when we’re having sex with someone because you’re necessarily physically close.
Watching from a distance, he gets to see how good you really look.
No real surprises with this one: these fantasies are had by women who are more motivated by love than sex and tend to be sexually conservative.
Even if we can’t do it in reality, most of us can separate sex and love in our imaginations
Women who only have romantic fantasies tend not to be able to.
Seducing a virgin
We always remember the first person we have sex with, so high achievers and those who enjoy being the centre of attention may enjoy this fantasy.
If someone’s never done something before, we not only get to teach them everything we know – putting us in a superior sexual position – they probably won’t criticise our technique
So it may mean you secretly feel sexually inadequate
Corrupting innocence is also a strong theme here: it’s forbidden, so highly appealing.
Sex in public or semi-public
This one’s about people admiring us – usually, onlookers are so impressed by our sexual skills, they’d cut off a limb to swap places with the person we’re having sex with.
It’s also illegal so can mean you’re quite rebellious.
Sex with a stranger
If you don’t know them and never will, you can let loose without fear of being judged. If they don’t know you, you can become someone else.
It’s sex stripped of all emotion, purely physical.
Often the stranger will be faceless.
Eye contact means intimacy, avoiding it is another way to ensure it satisfies the raw, primitive side of us we may mask in real life.
Sex with someone much younger or older
Having sex with someone much younger than us is an ego-boost: we’ve still ‘got it’ to be able to attract them.
Sex with someone older works on the same principle.
We see older people as wiser, richer, more intelligent, worldly and sophisticated.
Then there are Daddy issues.
Women who consistently fantasise about older men or date them in real life, can sometimes be working through issues with their own father.
We try to fix what’s happened in the past by recreating it, with a different ending, in the present.
Spanking is a common fantasy made even more so since Christian Grey came (ahem) into our lives.
But it also has biological undertones.
Aggression is common in the animal world: some female animals only ovulate if the male bites them and humans have also long linked pain and pleasure.
Wanting to be spanked can also originate from guilt: we need to be punished for liking something we shouldn’t (sex).
This is all about ‘the looking glass effect’: seeing ourselves reflected in other people’s eyes. The more adoring they look at us, the more adorable we feel.
Strippers involve the audience in their own narcissism – they want to be looked at.
Most of the men who frequent strip clubs are voyeurs: all they want to do is look rather than touch.
Flaunting gives us a sense of power – and power is always sexy.
Exposing our naked body to cheers and applause in our fantasies also helps calm our fear of our body not being good enough in real life.
Threesomes, swinging, group sex
When women fantasise about group sex they tend to be the undisputed star of the session – and are nearly always on the receiving end.
For men, it’s more about being able to satisfy more than one woman.
These fantasies are a heady blend of exhibitionism, voyeurism, bi-curiosity (if there’s the same sex involved) and a human longing for excess (if one person feels good, more must feel better).
Watching others have sex
Countless surveys have shown women are as turned on by erotic images as men are so it makes sense that we’re also just as voyeuristic.
Watching people have sex in real life is even more fascinating than porn because it makes for more realistic comparisons.
We all love to think we’re great in bed and watching other people means we can see how we rate on the ‘best lover’ chart.
It also hints at sexual confidence: you could teach people a thing or two!
Women with women
It’s as common for women to have sexual fantasies about other women as it is rare for men to have fantasies about other men,’ says Nancy Friday, author of The Secret Garden, the infamous book about female fantasies.
Women are far less haunted by the social taboo of being gay, probably because society is far less homophobic about gay women than it is gay men
Most women who fantasise about other women, aren’t gay or bi-sexual: simply thinking about something does not mean you’re gay.
Be careful about sharing this one though: watching you with another woman happens to be one of the top male fantasies.
Especially if he’s been racking his brains about what special surprise he can organize for that upcoming birthday…
Complete Article HERE!