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Sobriety & Sex

Name: Gregg
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Seattle
Since getting sober now almost 8 years ago I am very tense about sex and I feel as though I have lost my mojo. I am unable to relax and be intimate with a man and I am thinking I need an intimacy coach or sex coach, or something. Perhaps someone with tantra training who can help me find a comfort level with my body again and being touched and touching another.

Hey, thanks for your interesting question. Sadly, yours is not an uncommon concern. In fact, I just finished an 8-week group for men in recovery who were dealing with similar intimacy issues. A lot of the work we did together was helping one another reestablish a sense of trust.

legs & bootsSo many of us gay men start out our sexual lives with alcohol and/or drugs to help us overcome our inhibitions as well as a means of dulling some of the anti-gay messaging that comes to us from the world around us. Sometimes, the substances take hold of us and instead of we being in control the substances are in control. There was one guy in the group I just mentioned who is in his 5o’s, and he confessed to the group that before he got clean and sober, a couple years ago, he had never had sex sober. And he had been sexually active since his early twenties.

Substance abuse can rob us of more than just our dignity. It often effects our sexual response cycle in ways that diminish our ability to enjoy our sexuality. Men often report erection problems and women report arousal phase problems when they come off booze and or drugs. This, as you suggest, impacts on our comfort level in all intimate situations. If our parts aren’t working like we would want them to, we’d rather avoid intimate contact rather than be embarrassed. So, in other words, when we rid ourselves of the substances that once enabled us, we often need to relearn how to be ourselves, particularly in intimate situations.

Learning to trust others enough to open ourselves to others, even with our “brokenness,” is the key to regaining our sense of sexual self. We need to learn how to overcome our shame, which often gets in the way of reaching out to others. And if some of our shame is unresolved internalized homophobia, well then, we really have some work to do.tit bite

I think you’ve hit upon the perfect solution to your pressing problem. Working with a sex coach or intimacy coach is definitely one way to go. For those challenged, as you are, verbal therapy is great. But there is no substitute for actual hands-on therapy.

I know several people who have been helped by a surrogate partner or a sexual healer. I applaud you for thinking so creatively. Of course, finding the right person to work with will be a challenge. And I should mention that other helping professionals, even some sexologists, do not always look upon these kinds of interventions as legitimate. That’s a pity, but what are ya gonna do.

As you know, there are loads of sex workers out there. Unfortunately, very few have the training needed to provide surrogate partner therapy, or understand the delicate issues that a trained sexual healer must deal with. I hope you find what you are looking for.

If you need someone to discuss this with further, give me a shout. You’ll find my contact information on either the ABOUT page or the THERAPY AVAILABLE page in the header above.

Good luck

Bum Rap

Name: Skye
Gender: Female
Age:
Location:
The reason I am writing is because my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we’ve been having some problems with sex. The problem is that I have difficulty getting to a climax. The problem with this is that my boyfriend feels like he has not accomplished anything if he can’t get me off (which generally nobody is able to do). The only way that I am able to climax is during anal sex and my boyfriend does not want that all the time and has become skittish about doing it at all because of some difficulties with this earlier in the relationship (I am not very experienced).
This issue is starting to drive a wedge between us, and neither of us wants to break up over this. So we are asking for some advice as to what we can do, or what we can try. One thought that I have had is that maybe I am nervous when I’m with other people because while I have difficulty climaxing when I’m with somebody, I have no difficulty at all when I’m alone.
Please give us any advice you can, or point us to somebody who might be able to help us.
~Skye

Ok, let’s take this apart piece by piece, shall we? You’re unable to cum through partnered sex, despite the willingness of your BF to try and please you as much as humanly possible, right? But you are orgasmic; I mean you can cum when you are by yourself, right? This suggests to me that you are suffering from performance anxiety. a150455_xlf

While performance anxiety is mostly talked about in terms of men and their erection problems, they don’t have a monopoly on the annoying issue. It’s an arousal phase concern and we all have an arousal phase regardless of our gender.

I’d be willing to guess that since you say you are not very experienced with sex, you may be creating a level of anxiety that short-circuits your pleasure. Sad to say, this often plagues younger women the most. Young women tend to have less self-esteem. And if they are new to sex, they may not know what they are doing, which can be not only frustrating, but also distracting.

So let me ask you a few questions. First and foremost, what’s going on in your mind when you are having sex with a partner? Are you focused on the pleasure you are giving and receiving? Or are you focused, like so many people on something other than that?

a96261_xlfIf your mind is busy with how you look, or how you smell, or if you are wondering if that birthmark of yours is too obvious. Or if you’re worried about how accomplished you are at performing a particular sex act; then you may have performance anxiety. If you anxious about what your partner thinks of you, if he’s turned on by you, or loves you, or is just bangin’ away at you like a side of beef; then you may have performance anxiety. If you’re afraid to let go and have a screamin’ meme of an orgasm, because it might not look lady-like, or you’re not sure you can trust the person who’s bumpin’ you enough to just relax and enjoy the ride; then you may have performance anxiety.

It also appears from what you say that your BF could also be developing a complex since he’s unable to pleasure you to climax. So let’s see if we can nip this in the bud before it gets to be a full-blown dysfunction.

Many women report that their partnered sex is not as satisfying as their solo sex, because they’re not able to stimulate themselves in the same fashion in partnered sex as they do when they’re jillin’ off. If you are self-conscious about showing your partner the particulars of gettin yourself off, or too intimidated to incorporate a vibrator in your love making, you might not be getting the kind of stimulation you need when you need it. Thus you might be aroused, but not to the point of lettin’ one loose…if ya catch my drift.a6402_xlf

I am also very curious about another thing you mention. You say; “The only way that I am able to climax is during anal sex and my boyfriend does not want that all the time and has become skittish about doing it at all because of some difficulties with this earlier in the relationship.” That’s downright amazing. Butt fuckin’ get you off, but not traditional, cock in cooch, sex? Holy cow! How did you come to be so well acquainted with anal sex when you claim you are not very experienced with sex in general? I’d be very interested in hearing more about that, don’t cha know.

Finally, may I suggest that you and the BF take advantage of Dr Dick’s How To Video Library. It is chock full of swell videos that you guys can watch together. This might be the very thing ya’ll need to break open a conversation about the kind of sex you are having as opposed the kind of sex you both desire.

a168705_xlfA lot of the videos in my library will teach you how to ask for what you need and want. How to shake things up and add some spice to your sex play. You’ll learn new ways of pleasuring one another. And, most importantly, how to relax and enjoy yourselves. Once you guys learn how to effectively communicate with one another about sex, you will have gone a great distance in clearing the air of unnecessary sexual anticipation. You’ll both be able to relax into the event itself and enjoy yourselves more. Here is just a tiny sampling of titles to look for:

Women’s Sexual Satisfaction
Personal Touch: Toying With Pleasure
Nina Hartley’s Guide To Couples Sexploration
Expert Guide To Female Orgasms
Guide To Bondage For Couples

In my How To Video Library you’ll be able to search by stars, like Nina Hartley or Tristan Taormino. You can search by Directors, like Michael Perry or Jamye Waxman. Or you can search by topic, like cunnilingus, toys or anal pleasure. And the best part is that this wealth of information is right there at your fingertips.

Good luck

What’s that you say?

Name: Scott
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Kansas
I am a 20-year-old virgin who has never even had phone or cybersex. The reason for this is that when I am complimented in a sexual or sensual manner, for example “your voice is sexy” or “your intelligence is a major turn on” or even something as simple as “you’re cute or adorable or whatever” I get aroused but I also have a very negative reaction. I have a cold, sinking feeling in my stomach. I become slightly dizzy and even occasionally nauseous. I’ve been having these reactions since the 7th grade, which was the first time I was propositioned. When I find the woman of my dreams I want to be able to satisfy her every want and need, but I won’t be able to if I continue to have these reactions. Can you help me get rid of this or at least give me an idea of where it comes from or what is causing it?

Sounds to me, pup, like you got yourself a bad case of sexphobia; an irrational fear of sex. This is classic: “I am aroused but I also have a very negative reaction. I have a cold, sinking feeling in my stomach. I become slightly dizzy and even occasionally nauseous.” You should also know that phobias aren’t particularly uncommon.

sex-phobia-1There’s probably a good reason why you’re experiencing this phobia. If you and I were working together I’d want to take a look at the incident you report happened to you in the 7th grade. You said you were propositioned. What does that mean exactly? You were 12 and someone came on to you? A peer? Someone older? Was it someone inappropriate; a family member, a clergy person, a teacher? Why did you have such a negative response?

That being said, getting over a phobia, of whatever kind — fear of flying, snakes, spiders, public speaking, or sex — can be accomplished without dredging up the past. Here’s how you might begin:

  • Identify the specifics of your fear as they play themselves out in your life now. What precisely frightens you about sex and/or intimacy?
  • Create a plan to take the edge off your fear in small incremental steps. For example, start out with holding hands, move to embracing, then kissing. What behaviors push the panic button for you?
  • Address each and every thing that hampers your progress. For example, why does kissing push your buttons while holding hands and/or cuddling don’t?
  • Be firm in your resolve to push past your discomfort and stretch your limits. Sinking to the lowest common denominator will not do.
  • Address the emotional response you have to each aspect of your phobia before moving on to the next one. Build on your successes.

This is kinda hard to do on one’s own, but it’s not impossible. There are loads of books and programs on the market that can help an individual move through a phobia. You might want to do an online search, look for something like: overcoming a phobia.

Some people have success with visualization techniques, for others hypnotherapy works. Basically, it’s simply a matter of desensitization — defusing the feared thing, and doing it incrementally.

Good luck

Name: Afeisha
Gender: Female
Age: 21
Location: Pennsylvania
I usually have orgasms when I masturbate, but when I’m having sex with my partner it’s so hard to arrive at an orgasm, even when the sex is great?

Women suffer from performance anxiety too, ya know.

While performance anxiety is mostly talked about in terms of men and their erection problems, guys don’t have a monopoly on this annoying issue.No-Genitals

I’d be willing to guess that you, my dear, have got some performance anxiety goin’ on yourself, possibly even big time. Sad to say, this difficulty often plagues younger women the most. Young women tend to have less self-esteem. And if they are new to sex, they may feel like they don’t know what they are doing, which can be both disturbing and distracting. On the other hand, if a young woman is not a sexual novice and she appears too knowledgeable about sex, she runs the risk of being labeled a slut. So basically, young women can’t win for losing. It’s friggin’ regrettable, but there ya have it.

So let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this, as it were. Let me ask you a few questions. First and foremost, where is your mind when you are having sex with a partner? Is it on the pleasure you are giving and receiving? Or is it, like so many people, on something other than the pleasurable sensations?

  • If your mind is busy with how you look, or how you smell, or if you are wondering if that birthmark is too obvious. Or if you’re worried about how accomplished you are at performing a particular sex act, or if you’re concerned about your partner feelings for you. Then you may have performance anxiety.
  • If you’re anxious about what your partner is thinking of you; or if he/she is turned on by you; or loves you; or is just bangin’ away at you like a slab of beef. Then you may have performance anxiety.
  • If you’re afraid to let go and have a screamin’ meme of an orgasm, because it might not look lady-like; or you’re not sure you can trust the person who’s bumpin’ you enough to just relax and enjoy the ride. Then you may have performance anxiety.

This being said, performance anxiety is only one explanation for the problem you experience in partnered sex. Many women report that their partnered sex is not as satisfying as their solo sex, because they’re not able to stimulate themselves in the same fashion in partnered sex as you do when they’re jillin’ off on their own. If you are self-conscious about showing your partner the particulars of gettin yourself off, or too intimidated to incorporate a vibrator in your love making, you might not be getting the kind of stimulation you need when you need it. Thus you might be aroused, but not to the point of lettin’ one loose…if ya catch my drift.

Finally, one of the easiest solutions to this problem is to simply have a frank discussion with your partner(s) about what gets you off before the fuck-fest begins. That will clear the air of unnecessary anticipation and you both will be able to relax more into the event itself, rather than being distracted by the externals.

Good luck

Put A Ring On It

Hey sex fans!

It’s our first Product Review Friday of 2013! And this week we feature two more innovative products from the creative folks at Perfect Fit Brand. As you all probably know the Perfect Fit Brand is responsible for one of the best product of 2012 — the Best Product or Toy for MenFat Boy Cock Extender.

We’ve come to expect great things from this fine, young company. In fact, this is our 4th Perfect Fit Brand review and each and every product has been a winner. To keep track of all our PFB reviews use the search function in the header of DrDickSexToyReviews.com, type in Perfect Fit Brand, and PRESTO!

Dr Dick Review Crew members, Ken & Denise are here to tell us about the two cockrings they’ve been fiddlin’ around with.

Cruiser Cock Ring —— $19.60

Silaskin Cruiser Cock Ring —— $19.60

Ken & Denise
Denise: “I can’t believe it’s 2013 already. I was just looking back on all the reviews we’ve done since we joined this effort way back in July of 2008. We’ve had some amazing fun.”Cruiser
Ken: “We’ve learned a lot too. I mean, even the products we didn’t like all that much taught us something about ourselves, and our sexual response. It’s amazing what ya can learn when you’re paying attention. But I never thought we’d stick around for as long as we have.”
Denise: “Every time we think it’s time to hang up our Review Crew mantle Dr Dick draws us back in with another smutty proposition. He is such a charmer.”
Ken: “Today we’re gonna talk about two different, but very similar cockrings from Perfect Fit Brand. The similarities include size, shape, texture and color. The difference is in the elasticity and how snug the constriction.”
Denise: “Ken has at least a dozen different cockrings. I used to think this was silly and excessive, but now I know better. There is a bewildering array of cockrings on the market these days. The Dr Dick Review Crew has reviewed many different kinds. Look for the Category pull-down menu in the sidebar of drdicksextoyreviews.com and look for the category ‘Cockrings’. Dr Dick even has a very helpful posting called Cockring Crash Course.”
Ken: “Thanks for mentioning that, Denise. Ya know there are still a lot of guys out there, straight guys mostly I’m sorry to say, that don’t know the first thing about a cockring. This amazes me, because a cockring is a man’s best friend.”Cruiser02
Denise: “When Ken wears a cockring, his erection is stronger, harder, and longer lasting. He tells me his penis is more sensitive too. Of course, I enjoy the benefits of his stiff stiffy as much as he does.”
Ken: “It’s true! I’m rarely concerned about erection problems that seem to frequently plague other guys, because I always have a cockring near to hand. That way I can avoid the pharmaceuticals like Viagra and Levitra.”
Denise: “And I think cockrings look totally hot too, so there’s that. Ok, let’s talk about the two rings we have today.”
Ken: “Right! The first is the beefy Cruiser Cock Ring. It’s by far my favorite. But I was leery at first. I like easy on — easy off cockrings, like this one, because I hate fiddling with a lot of the adjustable ones that are out there. And the non-adjustable ones; well, they’re fine, but you have to have an exact fit or they are ineffective. But the problem with most of the one-size-fits-all rings is that they don’t provide the necessary constriction, which is the whole reason for having a cock ring in the first place. The Cruiser Cock Ring is different from all the other stretchy one-size-fits-all rings I’ve tried, because even though it is remarkably stretchy, it also has some really effective constriction capacity. And when it comes to cockrings, I prefer a snug fit.”
Denise: “Do you mind if I chime into this manly discourse and say that the Cruiser Cock Ring is absolutely adorable? It looks like a fat little doughnut!”
Ken: “Actually, it looks like a little hot rod tire, not a doughnut. It even has tread marks on the outer circumference, for god’s sake. Women!”
Denise: “I stand corrected. Men!”silaskin
Ken: “The Cruiser Cock Ring is super easy to put on, just stretch the ring between your fingers with each hand and simply pull it over your cock and balls. You won’t believe how comfortable the Cruiser Cock Ring feels. And like Denise said earlier, it makes sex much more enjoyable for her as well as me. The Cruiser Cock Ring is made of a proprietary material called PF Blend. It is a combination of silicone and TPR (thermoplastic rubber). The Cruiser Cock Ring is safe with all lubes. And it is easy to clean with mild soap and water.”
Denise: “I like that it’s phthalate-free, nonporous, and hypoallergenic.”
Ken: “The second ring we have to show you is the Silaskin Cruiser Cock Ring. It looks pretty much like its beefy brother, but it is made of a slightly different blend of material. While it too is a proprietary blend of silicone and TPR (called Silaskin), this material is even stretchier than the Cruiser Cock Ring. It is irresistibly soft and comes in both black and frosted.”
Denise: “Mmmm, like a soft squishy frosted doughnut!”
Ken: “See how you are? Like I was saying, the Silaskin Cruiser Cock Ring is a lot stretcher than its brother. If you’re one of those guys who like cockring with a more relaxed fit, then this one’s for you.”OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Denise: “I’d like to say a few words to the women in our audience, if I may. Ladies, I hope you haven’t tuned out this review just because it’s a product for men. That would be a big mistake. Before I met Ken I knew nothing about cockrings. None of the boyfriends I had before Ken had ever used one. But, now that I look back on those years, there were certainly plenty of opportunities when a cockring would have saved the day, if you know what I mean. That’s why I believe that if you are informed about cockrings, their use, and their effectiveness in getting and keeping an erection, you might be just the right person to introduce your man to the wonderful world of cockrings.”
Ken: “That’s such a good point. Sometimes us men folk don’t know what’s good for us till the women in our lives tell us.”
Denise: “I’m so glad to hear you say that!”
Complete Article HERE!

ENJOY

Dribble instead of shoot

Name: Jon
Gender: Male
Age: 65
Location: Surrey, B,C, Canada
Dear Dr Dick, I’m on Avodart because of my high PSA reading, as a result my sperm count is now down to zero. I understand it’s the drug’s side effect, is this reversible? I haven’t totally lost interest in sex and still jerk off from time to time. I realize that I need to make adjustments (e.g. becoming a total bottom) and find other body contact pleasures. I’m an attractive Asian and still get lots of attention in Vancouver’s baths. Another recurring menopausal problem I have are hot flashes when sleeping, how long do I put up with it? Love your website! Is Richard Wagner your real name?
Yours, Jon

Thanks for your kind words, Jon. Yes, Richard Wagner is my real name.

To understand your question about the side effects of Avodart; I need to ask you a question. Are you sure you are talking about sperm count? Avodart is a prostate directed medication for men with a high PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) reading. It has nothing to do with your testicles, which produce your sperm. And how would you know about your sperm count in the first place?

I think you may be speaking about the diminished amount of spooge (ejaculate) you produce while on the drug. That would make much more sense than a depleted sperm count. Because your prostate is responsible, in large part, for the amount of jizz you produce. And since the drug shrinks your prostate, it’s completely understandable that less cum would be an unfortunate side effect of the drug. Is it reversible? I suppose if you stopped taking the drug your prostate might regain its previous vigor, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. Your age may have a lot to do with this too, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

You probably are also experiencing erection problems on this drug too, right? Some of that is age related, of course. But one of the more unpleasant side effects of this, or any other medication that targets one’s prostate, is the loss of libido and wood. A nice cockring might be helpful. Have you tried one of those little buggers? They also look real nice in the bathhouse, don’t cha know.

You also ask about another recurring menopausal problem — hot flashes. Allow me to help you with some of your vocabulary. Menopause is a female thing. Andropause is the male equivalent. Like menopause, andropause is a result of a decrease in hormone levels, testosterone and androgen in our case, as we age.

Yeah, hot flashes are sure enough a good sign that one is in the throws of andropause. They often disappear on their own. But some people advocate hormone replacement therapy for us older dudes. This is very controversial, however. Many in the medical industry believe the hormone replacement, particularly testosterone, increases the risk of prostate cancer. Personally, I don’t believe this is true. I am unaware of any studies that actually make that correlation. On the other hand, living with diminished hormone levels clearly has some very unpleasant side effects, like the ones you are experiencing.

In the final analysis, each of us needs to make up his own mind about this, weighing all the pros and cons.

Good luck

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