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The Kay Jaybee Connection

I have this great opportunity to cross-post the following which I published earlier today on my other site: The Amateur’s Guide.

Interest in The Amateur’s Guide To Death and Dying is coming in from all corners. Even from what would appear, at first glance, as unlikely sources of interest. Take for example my good friend, Kay Jaybee. She is an award-winning author of sizzlin’ erotica who lives in the UK. She and I have know each other since September 2008 when, together, we inagurated The Erotic Mind podcast series over at Dr Dick’s Sex Advice.

Kay and I don’t often get a chance to connect, our schedules and the eight-hour time difference between us often prohibits that. But when we do chat it’s like old home week. Some weeks ago we visited with one another on Skype. I was telling her about the difficulties I was facing trying to get the word out about The Amateur’s Guide. Being an author herself she understood.

Kay asked me if I would be interested in writing a guest post for her site. I jumped for the opportunity.

Of special interest to Kay’s audience, and also my favorite, is Chapter 6 of my book, titled, Don’t Stop.  I collaborated with my dear friend, the internationally known sex educator and therapist, Dr. Cheryl Cohen Greene on this chapter about sexuality and intimacy.

We begin by posing 5 simple questions to help our readers focus their attention on their sexuality and intimacy needs.

1. How important is sexuality in your life?

2. Is there’s a difference between sexuality and intimacy?

3. Do you have a range of options in which to experience your sexuality?  If yes, what are some of them?

4. How well are you able to communicate your needs for sex and/or intimacy to your partner(s)?  Are there any specific issues that get in the way of asking for what you need?

5. What are your biggest concerns about your sexuality as it relates to your disease, aging and/or dying process?

Cheryl sums up the reason for incorporating this chapter in the book.

“Sexuality and intimacy are important topics for us to consider, because there is so little information out there about these things for elders and those of us who have life-threatening conditions.  The assumption, I suppose, is that sick, aging and dying people don’t have sexual and intimacy concerns, so why even bring it up?

That ridiculous assumption is so prevalent, even among healing and helping professions, that I’m forever having to confront it with, ‘Hey, we’re not dead yet.’”

Kay published my guest posting this morning.

I invite you to take a look at the full post.  I think you will agree things have got to change.

Click on Kay’s banner below to see the posting.

Starting Over

Name: LD
Gender: Male
Age: 38
Location: Atlanta
How do you jump back into the game when your partner passed away suddenly? Getting really horny but its still awkward to actually do it.

Good question, LD. You say you’re feeling awkward. Why exactly? Is it because you’re out of practice with the whole dating thing? Are you concerned that people might think you’re jumping the gun, trying to get back into the game before your partner is cold in the grave? People can be pretty heartless about this. Or, is your awkwardness associated with your grief?

Grief has a profound effect on every aspect of our lives. Yet there is hardly any literature on the effects grief has on our sexuality. To my mind, grief is the leading causes of sexual dysfunction for those who have experienced the death of a partner.

Allow me a bit of time here for one of my pet spiels. Healing and helping professionals often misdiagnose grief. I want to make one thing clear, grief is not depression. Treating grief with an antidepressant is counterproductive. It can actually take away the impetus to resolve the grief and get on the rest of one’s life.

Making sure that you have processed your grief may eliminate some of your awkwardness you are currently experiencing. This is something I’m pretty familiar with. A good portion of my private practice is with sick, elder and dying people and their friends and family who survive them. I know the impact a terminal illness and dying process can have on the surviving spouse or partner. We often go into survival mode, shutting down so much of ourselves in an effort to have the strength to cope with this life-altering experience. Of course, trying to kick-start our life afterwards is often a monumental effort. Without the support and guidance of a professional or a group of similarly challenged people, some of us just sink to the lowest common denominator.

I believe in the resilience of the human spirit. I believe that we can honor our dead and continue to live and love. It sounds to me like you have a desire to get on with your life, LD, to fill the void, to make new connections, but you simply don’t know how. Acknowledging that fact is a real good place to begin.

Perhaps you could start by reawakening your sexuality through self-pleasuring. Reconnect with your body and the joy it can bring you. Reestablishing a social life will no doubt follow, slowly at first. But the inevitable tug of the need for human-to-human contact will draw you, if you let it. Remember the best testament to those who have died is to continue to celebrate life itself.

Allow me to draw your attention to my latest book, The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying; Enhancing The End Of Life. Actually it’s more of a workbook then a text and while its primarily target are those currently facing their mortality it’s not exclusively for them. Concerned family and friends, healing and helping professionals, lawyers, clergy, teachers, students, and those grieving a death will all benefit from participating in the interactive environment the book provides.

Of special interest to you will be Chapter 6, Don’t Stop. My good friend and colleague, Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene, joins me in presenting this chapter on sex and intimacy concerns. Like I said above, there is a dearth of information about this timely topic for sick, elder and dying people as well as those who are grieving. So I am delighted that my book helps break this deafening silence.

I hope you take the time to write back, LD. I’d very much like to keep tabs on how you are doing.

Good luck

A Labor Of (self) Love

Our brief summer holiday is coming rapidly to an end. The Dr Dick Review Crew is straggling back home and our podcasts will resume on Wednesday, 09/05/12. But today is Labor Day and I think we should acknowledge those who labor at self-love.

Name: Amy
Gender: female
Age: 23
Location: salt lake city
I have this weird thing that when I masturbate with a vibrator I can’t seem to bring myself to an orgasm. It feels really good and everything, but I get almost there but can’t quite cum. Does that make sense? It’s been awhile since I had a guy…but I digress. I was just wondering if you have any advice, or if I’m doing it wrong, or…I just need some help. Thanks a lot.

Hold on there, darlin’, are you tellin me you can jill-off just fine using your hand, but when you kick start your vibrator and apply it to your naughty bits you can’t cum? Is that what you’re tellin’ the good doctor? Or maybe I’m assuming things I shouldn’t. Maybe you’re not masturbating to orgasm at all, by hand or by gadget.

Since you’re not here to fill me in, so to speak, the best way to handle this is with a scatter gun approach. If you’re unable to jill-off to completion by any means, manual or mechanical, you may be preorgasmic. I’ve written a lot about this already, so there’s no need for me to repeat myself. Here’s what you do; check the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar to your right.  Look for the main category — Sex therapy and under that look for the subcategory ‘Preorgasmic Women‘. Or check out the main category — Sexual Performance and look for the subcategory ‘Female Masturbation‘. You’ll find loads of swell information about this very topic.

If, perchance, you can masturbate just fine using your hand, but the rub (no pun intended) comes when you introduce a vibrator, then that’s a horse of a different color. In that instance, I’ll need more information before I can be of much help. Like, I’d want to know what kind of vibe are you using? Is it an all purpose wand type? A dildo kinda thingy that you insert in your pussy? Is it a rabbit, a G-spot vibe, a bullet or an egg-shaped vibrator? Are you doing any direct clitoral stimulation?

If you can make yourself cum through manual stimulation, how different a sensation is the vibrator? Is it possible that you need more vroom? Is it too intense?

What about other stimulus? Like what’s going on between your ears while you’re diddlin’ yourself? Are you thinking dirty thoughts? Watching some delicious smut? Reading some kick-ass erotica? Or are you concentrating so much on making the big “O” happen to actually let it happen? Chicks get performance anxiety too, even when they are by themselves. Performance anxiety is not just a guy thing.

I discussed your question with my friend, Joy. She asked me to ask you about the position you are in when you’re jillin-off. She said she had the damnedest time throwing herself her first screamin’ meme, even with a vibrator until she discovered that getting into a squatting position with her back against a wall did the trick. Stands to reason, orgasms are all about building sexual and muscle tension. Joy found that squatting tensed her hamstrings, quadriceps, glutes and even her PC muscle. This tension was just the thing to deliver the goods. Joy did add, however, that getting out of the squat after the event was really tricky. She said that in the end, she just learned to simply topple over with a bit of a thud. I had to laugh when she told me this, because I couldn’t help seeing Joy in my mind’s eye (she’s a big girl, don’t cha know) all breathless and topsy-turvy on the floor with a big ol’ shit-eatin grin on her face after finally delivering herself from the land of the preorgasmic.

One final thing, I’ve often heard women speak of the high success rate of jillin-off to orgasm in the bath. Again, this stands to reason too. Here you are all relaxed, warm and cozy, all wet and squishy. Why not add a little jet of warm water or a waterproof vibe and you’ll be havin’ an orgasm as easy as fallin’ off a log…or so I’m told. Just remember, baths and plug-in, electrical kinda vibes definitely don’t mix! A miscalculation here and you’ll find your ass in the sweet hereafter.

Listen, Amy, why not write back sometime with either more information or to report a success. I’d love to hear from you.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’…

Name: James
Gender: Male
Age: 45
Location: Canada
During my teenage years I had a few girlfriends and enjoyed having sex with them. There were never any problems. However at around age 20 while still in College I began to experience sexual dysfunction with my partners after the second or third time we would have intercourse. The symptoms were, I’d be horny, have a good erection but a few minutes into intercourse my penis would start to feel numb and I either would not be able to have an orgasm or I would lose my erection. I would also start to feel sexually repulsed by my partner. This pattern continued for the next 15 years as a single man. I thought I was simply easily sexually bored and dealt with the problem by breaking off the relationship as soon as the sexual dysfunction would start and move on to someone new. One night stands and new partners were never a problem. It just happened after we would have a few dates. It also happened when I met my future wife. It didn’t seem to bother her that much although she thought it might be a good idea to make an appointment to see the Doctor about it. After we were married we basically stopped having sex (we weren’t having much to begin with) because it just proved too stressful, humiliating and it had no payoff for me. I started seeing therapists and for the next 8 years I went through 7 different therapists including marital counselors, sex therapists and psychiatrists. Now I have been married almost 15 years and the marriage has been sexless. My wife doesn’t like it but has made her peace with it. I can masturbate with no problems at all and have been told by doctors there is nothing physically wrong with me. But none of the therapists were able to pinpoint what was causing my sexual problem. I have had a few sexual encounters outside my marriage over the years and the sex was great, no problems at all. Mind you none of these “affairs” lasted very long, a half dozen sexual encounters at most. Any ideas what might be causing this inability to ejaculate and inability to keep an erection plus the feeling of sexual revulsion with a partner after two or three sexual encounters?

YIKES, James, you just recounted 25 years of deep seeded psychological problems and you expect me to make an insightful comment in the precious little time I can afford any one of my correspondent. That’s a pretty tall order; don’t you think?

Ok, for all it’s worth, here goes. My guess is that you don’t have a sexual dysfunction at all. But you do have a huge rift between your sexual life and your intimate life. And this expresses itself in the ways you outlined above.

Many people who have difficulty with intimacy can still perform sexually pretty much like everyone else. Obviously the performance thing is not dependent on the intimacy thing. In these cases, sex is rarely more than a mechanical bodily function — get it up, get it on, get it off, the end. The hard part comes when these people try to ground these mechanics in a healthy emotional context.

The fact that you can’t bone the same person more then a couple of times without revulsion, and that you can only tolerate your long-suffering wife if your marriage remains sexless; tells me you need to investigate why you can’t connect sexual expression with intimacy. You exhibit all the classic signs of a sexual dysfunction, but they’re only symptomatic of a much more profound disability. And you’ll never get to the bottom of dysfunctions until you get to the root of your intimacy issue.

When I see a person, like you, in my therapy practice, I try to help my client overcome his/her rift by encouraging him/her to gradually increase the amount of intimacy he is comfortable with every sexual encounter. It’s a simple behavior modification technique. It often is very successful, but most of my clients are highly motivated to heal the fracture in their life. Also, they don’t have a 25-year history of this to overcome.

You on the other hand, don’t seem to be particularly motivated. I can see that you’re curious about your sexual problems, but you’re not making that all important connection between your bodily functions and your emotion capacity. There’s a blockage there that is so ingrained it would be very difficult to undo. It could happen, but you’d have to be very passionate about making it happen and then stick with the therapeutic intervention till there was a breakthrough. This no doubt would involve reversing a lifetime of selfishness and egotism. And I see no evidence that you have that kind of moxy.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Messin’ Around

Name: Troy
Gender: Male
Age:
Location:
Sir,
My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. She sometimes has experienced that her clit gets sore after we mess around. She also felt some pain when we have sex not right away but late on almost like a muscle soreness. She has had regular gyno visits with no problems. I am wondering if I could be too big for her. Do we need to increase the amount of lube we are using? Is there a limited number of times we should have sex in a weekend?
Thank You

What kind a messin’ around are you doin’ there, darlin’?

So let me get this straight, your GF sees her “gyno” on a regular basis and there’s no discernible problem in pussyville. That’s a good thing. But after she hooks up with you for a little slap and tickle her clit is very tender and she reports muscle soreness afterward as well.

Hmmm, I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and speculate you puppies are kinda new to the whole fuckin’ thing, right?

Let’s see, are you actively involved with her clit with your hands or mouth, or is this post-fuck tenderness simply collateral damage of you pounding away with wild abandon? I mean do you even know your way around down there? Or are you just one of those drop trow’ and commence the assault kinda guys? The fact that you don’t even know if you are using enough lube leads me to believe that you’ve got lots to learn.

Ya see the reason I say this is, for the most part, most youngens, and a lot of not so young people, don’t often take the time to familiarize themselves with the parts of their partners before sex. I mean there may be a lot of athletic bumping around and all, but that doesn’t necessarily mean ya’ll know what the fuck you’re doing.

And here’s another disturbing trend. A lot of young men are unfortunately picking up some of their sexual social skills, if you can call them that, from watching porn. And that, my friend, is never a good thing. Young women, on the other hand, often remain too embarrassed or uninformed themselves about their own parts to invite even a steady BF to stop for a moment and get to know their own personal cooch. Each woman is unique, ya know.

So you see how all of this lack of familiarity and perhaps even misinformation can cause loads of problems for novice fucksters. But the solution is very simple indeed — all you have to do is know yourself and know your partner.

One thing for sure, if you are swinging as big a pipe as you lead me to believe, it’s incumbent upon you to know how to handle that thang when foolin’ around with a delicate flower that is a woman’s muff. I suggest you have a nice long talk with your GF real soon. Make it a non-seductive, nonsexual conversation. Ask her to show you around “the promised land”. Have her point out all the really exciting points of interest…and there are a whole lot of ‘em. You’ll be amazed. If you think your dick is talented. Let me tell ya pal, it pails in comparison to a vulva.

Besides, this little exercise will give you loads of brownie points with the GF. You’ll also be a vastly more informed about pussy in general and therefore a much better lover. It’ll be exactly like playing doctor, only completely different.

Let me walk you through an actual structured exercise I have some of my clients, with similar problems as you guys, work on. It’s called a sexological exam. Ya see I never assume that a woman is familiar with her own genitals, let alone having her partner know what’s up down there. So I have my couples work together on this exercise. By the way, a woman can do it alone (a self-sexological exam) or she can work with a partner.

Think about it, this is a perfect way for you guys to learn about your own and one another’s naughty bits, as well as getting a handle on your sexual response cycles.

Here’s how it works. Your GF will hold a hand-held mirror between her legs. Have her point out her clit, vulva, vagina, both sets of vaginal lips, urethra, and if you have a speculum handy, you guys can check out her cervix. Next, probe her vagina, by inserting one of your fingers. Remember this is not a come-on for sex, this is an exercise to gather important information about how thing look and work down there. Don’t forget the lube!

With your finger in her vagina, ask her to flex her PC muscle. If you guys don’t know what that is you have some remedial work a head of you. To find all the posting I’ve made about the amazing PC muscles use the search function in the header, type in and Kegel exercises, and PRESTO!

What you guys will be looking for in this part of the exercise is your GF ability to identify and control her vaginal muscles.

Next comes a detailed touch test. I want you to stroke very square inch of your GF from her asshole to her navel, including her upper thighs. You are gonna be testing for and acquainting yourself with her sensitivity. I suggested your GF use a 0-5 point scale to represent the levels of sensitivity — 5 being the hottest, most sensitive and most pleasurable areas and 0 being the more neutral areas. Be sure to use all the numbers in-between. I encourage you guys to try this exercise with both a wet hand and a dry hand.

Next it’s your turn to submit your body to your GF’s scrutiny. With the hand-held mirror between your legs point out your prepuce (if you go one), frenulum, glans, coronal ridge, scrotum and testicles. Have her slip a finger in your ass. Don’t forget the lube! Now flex your PC muscle for her. Yes darling, you have a PC muscle too. Have her feel for your prostate too.

Then she’ll use the same touch technique on you that you did on her. She’ll stroke very square inch of you from your asshole to your navel including your upper thighs. She will be testing for and acquainting herself with your sensitive areas. Using the same 0-5 point scale to represent the levels of sensitivity that she did — 5 being the hottest, most sensitive and most pleasurable areas and 0 being the more neutral areas as well as all the numbers in-between. Again, try this exercise with both a wet hand and a dry hand.

By the time you guys have finished this exploration exercise, both of you will have a much greater appreciation of the wonders of her amazing cunt and your fabulous cock. You’ll know the areas that need special care and attention. You’ll also know the kind of touch that is the most appropriate for each specific area. But most importantly, you will realize that mindlessly pokin’ and prodin’ away down there, like a blind man with a stick, is not how one goes about a successful fuck.

Good luck