Search Results: E. Cess

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Give To Get

Name: Suzanne
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Auckland
I often fake an orgasm to keep my partner happy. Actually, I fake it every time. Do you think there’s a problem with that? I mean, I’d love for him to get me off but he’s pretty clueless about the whole sex thing. Besides the dreadful sex, he is a sweet guy.

Brilliant idea, Susanne! Rather than help your ineffectual lover overcome his inadequacy by telling him the truth and then offering him a little tutorial on how to make you cum — go ahead and lie to monkey about his sexual prowess. What could possibly be wrong with that?

I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re doin’…except maybe that when you’re done fuckin’ him, or he’s done fuckin’ you, the next unlucky chick he happens upon will have twice the work cut out for her. Not only will she have to tell him the truth — that he sucks as a lover (and not in a good way) — but she’ll also have to contend with his ego. Thanks to you and your deception, he’ll be totally convinced that he’s a fabulous lover when, of course, he’s not.

Here’s the thing, I keep hearing from women who tell me the same sad story that you are telling me, Suzanne. They’ve saddled themselves with some clueless chump and rather than take him aside for a little show and tell, they just go with the follow, or lack there of. And then one fine day, when they finally get fed up with the whole fuckin’ mess, they write to me for advice.

And my advice is always the same. Ladies; if you imagine that whatever dude you welcome to your bed will somehow magically and innately know the finer points of pleasing you without your input, you’re living in a dream world. Us men folk generally know nothing about women’s sexuality besides what we learned from previous partners and from the porn we watch. And for the most part, that is precious little.  And since a lot of your sisters are dumping their inadequate lovers back on the market without so much as a warning to other women to keep clear of the Neanderthal, the whole sorry disappointing cycle keeps repeating itself.

Ladies; do yourself, your lovers and all human kind a favor by taking responsibility for your own pleasure. By doing so you will necessarily have to inform the men you fuck on the specific dos and don’ts of doin’ you. This task will not only reward you with greater pleasure and satisfaction, but it will improve the lot of all your sisters. Because if/when you’re ever done with the guy he will be the richer for the experience of having known, I mean really known, something of your particular sexual response. And the next woman to have him will have less a chore in showing him around her particular pussy.

Good Luck

Dude dilemmas…

Name: Mike P
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: LA
My girlfriend needs to watch lesbian porn to get off and sometimes kicks me out of the bedroom to masturbate by herself. Initially I was turned on by her desire to watch porn — but now — it’s become a blockage. She always needs porn. I am frustrated and to make things worse — she has started abusing me through financial manipulation. She makes me pay her rent — pay for her food, pay for everything — and she never gives me nookie.
Should I leave this woman?

Time to wake up, fella! Your “girlfriend” — and you’ll notice I put that term in quotes — is decidedly not YOUR girlfriend, and possibly not any dude’s girlfriend.

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and say; I think your “girlfriend” is a certifiable, died-in-the wool, muff-divin’, coozie-lovin’ lesbitarian. All that’s really left for her to do to make the picture perfectly clear…even for you, is to show up one day in a mullet and a plaid flannel shirt. Holy cow, Mike, how is it that you are missing the obvious?

Listen, bub, it’s clear to me, you’re excess baggage. She keeps you around for comic relief…oh and to foot the bill.

Should you leave this woman, you ask. Honey, she’s beaten you to the punch on that one. She’s long gone and left you way behind, at least emotionally and sexually. All that’s left for you to do is find the door and say good-bye to this embarrassing situation.

Name: Leslie
Gender:
Age: 46
Location: Brisbane
Will bicycling make me impotent?

YIKES Leslie, what kind of bike riding are you doing that would put such a notion in your head?

My initial response to your question, of course, was a wisecrack. “Sure, bike riding will make you impotent if you get your balls caught in the spokes. Throw those things over your shoulder when you ride, for christ sake!”

Then I thought to myself, “Wait, what does Leslie mean by impotent?” I know lots of people confuse and/or conflate the two very different concepts of impotency and sterility. So maybe this is an opportunity to sort this out some.

Impotence is characterized by a dude’s inability to develop or maintain an erection. And I suppose extreme bike riding, like the kind I often see on TV, could possibly cause this condition. Especially, if you are knocking your cock around enough to cause your darling little willie serious injury.

Male sterility, on the other hand, is the inability of the male reproductive system (a dude’s balls, basically) to produce enough (or even any live) sperm for the purpose of impregnation. The reason I bring this up is, I know fertility specialists are very concerned about men wearing tight-fitting underwear and pants for long periods of time. (We used to call these cheap hotel pants — there’s no ballroom! Get it?) Tight fitting garments elevate a man’s nuts to the base of his pelvis, which in turn increases the temperature in his huevos. Too much heat kills the little juniors in our baby-batter, don’t cha know!

The reason evolution designed our family jewels to reside outside our bodies and actually hang off of and away from our bodies is so that all our adorable little sperm buddies can stay relatively cool and comfortable till they blissfully shoot out of our dick into a vagina, asshole, condom or Kleenex.

Tighty-whities and all such things, particular those obscenely clingy spandex (which is basically glorified plastic) bike shorts makes things even hotter.  They’re notorious sperm killers! So in a way, Leslie, yes, biking can make you sterile if not impotent.

Good Luck ya’ll!

Different Is Normal

I sure am enjoying my break from podcasting. I get to post great videos like this…

DIY Sex Dungeon

Baby I’m Yours

Hey sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday and we welcome back the good people at BodyWand.  We have two more of their products to tell you about today. But wait, you didn’t miss their first appearance in this review effort did you? Well not to worry if you did, because you can find our first review HERE!

Today’s reviews are brought to you by Dr Dick Review Crew members — Ken & Denise.

BodyWand Mini Pink —— $21.89
BodyWand Plug-in Blue —— $81.29

Ken & Denise
Denise: “We’ve decided to review these two BodyWand vibes together because they are so much alike, design wise that is. Both are wand-type massagers, but one is teeny tiny and the other is giant.”
Ken: “When we picked up the massagers from Dr Dick, Denise and I had to chuckle because the BodyWand Plug-in is three times the size of the BodyWand Mini. I said that the BodyWand Mini looked like a Barbie Doll accessory.”
Denise: “And I said the BodyWand Mini reminded me of the joke about the lesbian who had to kick start her vibrator.”
Ken: “Denise and I both really like a wand-type massager because of their versatility. All share a similar design; a rounded head, attached to a stalk-like neck that is attached to the body of the massager. Some are cordless (rechargeable), some plug-in and some run on batteries. The two vibes we have today are examples of the plug-in variety and the battery operated variety. BodyWand also makes a rechargeable model, which was reviewed here last month.  See that review HERE!”
Denise: “Both of these massagers have dial-type controls; the controller on the BodyWand Mini is in its base and the controller on the BodyWand Plug-in is, obviously, on its body. A dial control allows for more variation in the speed and intensity of the vibration and, to my mind, it beats a simple on/off or a high/low speed switch.”
Ken: “The BodyWand Plug-in is akin to the granddaddy of wand-type massagers, the Hitachi Magic Wand.  It’s just over a foot long, runs on electricity, plugs into an A/C outlet in your wall and is the most powerful type of massager there is. It delivers consistent vibration and you’ll never have to worry about replacing batteries or recharging it. Of course it also means you are tethered to the wall by a cord, but this one has a nice long cord, about four feet long. The body of the BodyWand Plug-in features a easy-grip textured surface, which makes it easy to hold even with lubed fingers.”
Denise: “The BodyWand Mini, on the other hand, is only 4” long, features some decorative rhinestones on the base and is powered by 6 LR 44 watch batteries. Just between you and me; I hate fiddling around with those tiny watch batteries, but I’m happy to report that the BodyWand Mini come with the batteries already installed. You just have to remember to remove the clear plastic dot that covers the batteries before you use it for the first time. And the battery compartment is easy to open. The motor produces an intense buzz-type vibration on the highest setting. This is very different from the deep rumbling vibration you get with the BodyWand Plug-in.”
Ken: “The BodyWand Mini is adorable, but packs a punch. The BodyWand Plug-in is a workhorse and will never let you down. Both are amazingly quiet.”
Denise: “I’ve taken to slipping the BodyWand Mini into my purse for those emergency jilling-off sessions. I’ve used it in the bathroom at work and during my commute to and from work. You’d be surprised how tolerable a traffic jam can be when you’re distracted with a mini vibe like this.”
Ken: “I dig the BodyWand Plug-in. At first I started using it on my sore shoulders after a long hot shower. I’ve been doing some intense workouts at the gym lately. So there I was lying on our bed with just a towel around my waste. Before long the vibration on my shoulders traveled down my spine and, like magic, I started to get a woodie. I absentmindedly moved the vibe to between my legs and just under my nuts. The sensations were unbelievable. In no time at all I was beating my meat like it owed me money. I shot a wad on my freshly showered chest and I discover that my shoulders didn’t ache as much as before. It’s miraculous.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY