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What’s that you say?

Name: Scott
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Kansas
I am a 20-year-old virgin who has never even had phone or cybersex. The reason for this is that when I am complimented in a sexual or sensual manner, for example “your voice is sexy” or “your intelligence is a major turn on” or even something as simple as “you’re cute or adorable or whatever” I get aroused but I also have a very negative reaction. I have a cold, sinking feeling in my stomach. I become slightly dizzy and even occasionally nauseous. I’ve been having these reactions since the 7th grade, which was the first time I was propositioned. When I find the woman of my dreams I want to be able to satisfy her every want and need, but I won’t be able to if I continue to have these reactions. Can you help me get rid of this or at least give me an idea of where it comes from or what is causing it?

Sounds to me, pup, like you got yourself a bad case of sexphobia; an irrational fear of sex. This is classic: “I am aroused but I also have a very negative reaction. I have a cold, sinking feeling in my stomach. I become slightly dizzy and even occasionally nauseous.” You should also know that phobias aren’t particularly uncommon.

sex-phobia-1There’s probably a good reason why you’re experiencing this phobia. If you and I were working together I’d want to take a look at the incident you report happened to you in the 7th grade. You said you were propositioned. What does that mean exactly? You were 12 and someone came on to you? A peer? Someone older? Was it someone inappropriate; a family member, a clergy person, a teacher? Why did you have such a negative response?

That being said, getting over a phobia, of whatever kind — fear of flying, snakes, spiders, public speaking, or sex — can be accomplished without dredging up the past. Here’s how you might begin:

  • Identify the specifics of your fear as they play themselves out in your life now. What precisely frightens you about sex and/or intimacy?
  • Create a plan to take the edge off your fear in small incremental steps. For example, start out with holding hands, move to embracing, then kissing. What behaviors push the panic button for you?
  • Address each and every thing that hampers your progress. For example, why does kissing push your buttons while holding hands and/or cuddling don’t?
  • Be firm in your resolve to push past your discomfort and stretch your limits. Sinking to the lowest common denominator will not do.
  • Address the emotional response you have to each aspect of your phobia before moving on to the next one. Build on your successes.

This is kinda hard to do on one’s own, but it’s not impossible. There are loads of books and programs on the market that can help an individual move through a phobia. You might want to do an online search, look for something like: overcoming a phobia.

Some people have success with visualization techniques, for others hypnotherapy works. Basically, it’s simply a matter of desensitization — defusing the feared thing, and doing it incrementally.

Good luck

Name: Afeisha
Gender: Female
Age: 21
Location: Pennsylvania
I usually have orgasms when I masturbate, but when I’m having sex with my partner it’s so hard to arrive at an orgasm, even when the sex is great?

Women suffer from performance anxiety too, ya know.

While performance anxiety is mostly talked about in terms of men and their erection problems, guys don’t have a monopoly on this annoying issue.No-Genitals

I’d be willing to guess that you, my dear, have got some performance anxiety goin’ on yourself, possibly even big time. Sad to say, this difficulty often plagues younger women the most. Young women tend to have less self-esteem. And if they are new to sex, they may feel like they don’t know what they are doing, which can be both disturbing and distracting. On the other hand, if a young woman is not a sexual novice and she appears too knowledgeable about sex, she runs the risk of being labeled a slut. So basically, young women can’t win for losing. It’s friggin’ regrettable, but there ya have it.

So let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this, as it were. Let me ask you a few questions. First and foremost, where is your mind when you are having sex with a partner? Is it on the pleasure you are giving and receiving? Or is it, like so many people, on something other than the pleasurable sensations?

  • If your mind is busy with how you look, or how you smell, or if you are wondering if that birthmark is too obvious. Or if you’re worried about how accomplished you are at performing a particular sex act, or if you’re concerned about your partner feelings for you. Then you may have performance anxiety.
  • If you’re anxious about what your partner is thinking of you; or if he/she is turned on by you; or loves you; or is just bangin’ away at you like a slab of beef. Then you may have performance anxiety.
  • If you’re afraid to let go and have a screamin’ meme of an orgasm, because it might not look lady-like; or you’re not sure you can trust the person who’s bumpin’ you enough to just relax and enjoy the ride. Then you may have performance anxiety.

This being said, performance anxiety is only one explanation for the problem you experience in partnered sex. Many women report that their partnered sex is not as satisfying as their solo sex, because they’re not able to stimulate themselves in the same fashion in partnered sex as you do when they’re jillin’ off on their own. If you are self-conscious about showing your partner the particulars of gettin yourself off, or too intimidated to incorporate a vibrator in your love making, you might not be getting the kind of stimulation you need when you need it. Thus you might be aroused, but not to the point of lettin’ one loose…if ya catch my drift.

Finally, one of the easiest solutions to this problem is to simply have a frank discussion with your partner(s) about what gets you off before the fuck-fest begins. That will clear the air of unnecessary anticipation and you both will be able to relax more into the event itself, rather than being distracted by the externals.

Good luck

Book Review: The Gospel of Kink

by: Sophia Sky

The Gospel of Kink is the newest book by Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS, a Clinical Sexologist in private practice here in Seattle, providing Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years. Richard is often known for his thought provoking podcasts via his website, Dr. Dick’s Sex Advice. Ever since he told us here at the Foundation that he was working on this book, we have been eagerly awaiting this new treatise.Gospel of Kink

And we weren’t disappointed! In the forward, he spends some time explaining his choice of word for the title, eloquently explaining the root meaning of “gospel” is “good news”, thereby priming us with the idea that our personal truths are our gospel.

The book is written as a “workshop in a book” which is similar to a workbook where you go through various self-awareness exercises intended to encourage self discovery. What is different about The Gospel of Kink is the group of fictional participants that go through these exercises with you. This is approach allows you to make personal connections with the participants, just you do with characters in a book. You have the same chances to empathize, be irritated and gain understanding through their process of self discovery.

foundation for sex positive cultureThese exercises are simple and common, with the added twists that are necessary to make them fully relevant to those in kinky, lifestyle or alt sex relationships. I am very impressed by the ways that Dr. Dick subtly offers “extra credit” assignments via his characters taking initiative to expand the exercises or seeking out addition exercises on their own. I found myself think “Ooo! I should do that, too!” as opposed to feeling resistant about “more work” or guilty that I didn’t do all the exercises.

The Foundation is very proud to invite you to meet Dr. Dick and his panel of alt sex experts this Saturday. You will have a chance to buy his book and get it signed by all the contributors after a short workshop, based on this new book. Since this is a book release party we will have red velvet cake and refreshments to celebrate.

The workshop at 3pm is $10, and the book signing starting at 4:30pm is free. For those in need, there is a discount code that can be used for online purchases. Just type in E8F3Y in the promo code field at check out.

Full Review HERE!

Bottoms UP!

Name: Chris
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Location: San Francisco
Dr. Dick- Wow, may I say this is a fantastic site. It is good to see sex as an open topic and that its not only an allowable activity, it is a good activity to take part in. I’m 23, gay, and living in beautiful San Francisco (the perfect place for a 23 year old gay boy to be!), and your tutorials have taken my blowjob and power bottoming skills from that was good to wow lets do that again!

If I may make one suggestion: in the Liberating the Big Old Bottom Within guide, I personally recommend that anyone who wants to bottom get to know the fiber aisle at the grocery/drug store. I find that it helps to keep things squeaky clean longer.

But the question I had was about orgasms while bottoming. Is there any technique that you know of that would help me reach orgasm while bottoming without having to touch myself. I almost reached that point last night while experimenting with some new moves in the sac … but I was wondering if there were any, er, exercises I could do on my own to reach there with my partners (playing safely of course).

Yes, you may say this is a fantastic site. You can say that over and over if you like. All kidding aside, thank you for your very kind words.

grab assAnd I’m hoping you are enjoying the site’s new look. While our logo remains the same, I recently reconfigured the pages. Of particular note, is the Podcast Archive drop-down menu. Now you can go directly to each of my four podcast series: The Erotic Mind, SEX WISDOM, Sex EDGE-U-cation, Play With It shows. The Q&A shows are lumped under the general heading, Podcast.

As before, the toy reviews tab takes you to adult product review site. The Video Library tab takes you to Dr Dick How To Video Library, just as it always has. And the About Dr Dick page is also a drop-down menu, which contains the contact page, the Got A Sex Question page, the Therapy Available page and The Buzz page.

Sadly, I had to deactivate the Lick-A-Dee-Split sex advice podcast VOICEMAIL HOTLINE. It was underused and it was very expensive.

You will also notice that the site’s sidebar has been cleaned up considerably. The clutter is gone and I think it looks really nice as is. So ya’ll, go take a look and see what you think. Send me your comments after you’ve had an opportunity to look around.

Ya know, Chris, I was just about your age when I moved to the Bay Area. I finished my undergraduate degree in the spring of 1972 in Washington, DC. Later that year I moved to Oakland to begin my graduate work in Berkeley. I remember thinking to myself back then, OMG, I’ve fallen into a pot of jam. Leaving a very conservative school in the nation’s capitol, I found myself, almost immediately, on the other end of the political spectrum on the other side of the country. The world began to open for me. Berkeley was magical and my life changed immediately for the better.

In 1978, at the age of 28, I moved to San Francisco to begin work on my doctorate. It was like a dream come true. While I was living in Oakland, I would cross the bay bridge several times a week just to soak up San Francisco’s uniqueness. I used to think as I crossed the bridge and approached the city. My god, what a beautiful site! While I thought Oakland was great, I was happy not to have to commute any longer. To finally reside in the city I loved so much felt like I had died and gone to heaven.pegging147

The 70’s and early 80’s were the halcyon days of my youth. Oh to be young and gay and to live in San Francisco at that time. I wouldn’t exchange that experience for all the tea in china. I decided way back then that I would open myself to as many life-expanding experiences as presented themselves. For the most part, I was served very well by this philosophy. Of course, there were plenty of unsavory experiences that I would never want to relive, but even they were full to the brim with helpful information about me, my sexuality, my growing eroticism, as well as and the rest of the world around me. As I look back I have no regrets and lots of very happy memories.

I thought I would reside in the jewel by the bay for as long as I lived. I had surely found home. But as fate would have it, that didn’t happen. I left San Francisco for Seattle in 1999, after nearly 30 years in that amazing place. Now I look back fondly on that transformative time. The life lessons I leaned there continue to serve me well even now. I am immeasurably richer for the time I lived and loved there.

Boy, that got me way off message, huh? Sorry about that. It’s just that your email got me to reminiscing about being young and gay and living in San Francisco.

OK, on to your concerns. First, let me ask you to add your thoughts on the importance of fiber intake for the aspiring BOB (Big Old Bottom) in the comments section of that very posting. Would you do that for me? As much as I appreciate you offering your pearls of wisdom to me, I think all of our audience would benefit. Don’t you agree? The beauty part of a site like this is the cumulative knowledge and insight of all who visit there. I can’t do this all on my own, don’t cha know!  And remember, butt fuckin’ ain’t just for the gays anymore.  Straight men are discovering the joys of their prostate too.

I have a lot to say to your question about prostate orgasms while bottoming. And I would like to begin by saying that, while prostate orgasms are possible for some of us, not all of us will ever experience one. I’m not sure one can actually train himself to have one of these illusive orgasms at will. But what I can say for sure is, that this will never happen unless one is fully prostate aware.

daddy's boysHow does a fella become fully prostate aware, you might ask. Good question. I suppose that would start with an intimate familiarity with your anatomy. Do you know how you are put together “down there?” You sound like a clever lad, so maybe you are. If you’re not, my site has lots of important information. Look for Male Reproductive System in the CATEGORY section of the sidebar.  It falls under the main category — Sex Therapy.

Knowing and loving your prostate is the next step in this process. Prostate massage is where you will begin. You can do this with your fingers, a dildo, or a specialized “tool” like one of the prostate massagers that you can find at drdicksextoyreviews.com. Use the CATEGORY drop-down menu in the sidebar that site. Look for Prostate Massage, and presto!

There’s one final thing you’ll need to master and that is Kegel exercises. If you are unfamiliar with these and/or why you need to practice these exercises, you can read and/or listen to all the posting — written and podcast, I’ve made about this very important regimen. Just look for Kegels in the CATEGORY drop-down menu in the sidebar of drdicksexadvice.com. You will find this subcategory under the main category — Sex Therapy.

I’d be very interested in hearing from you again. I’d like to know how you are cuming along in your quest for the illusive hands-free orgasm. And don’t forget to use the comments section on any of the postings. I want you to share your insights with all of us.

Good luck

Too pooped to pop

Name: Djon
Gender: Male
Age: 54
Location:
I’m a 54-year-old man, who 3 years ago managed to finally come out and live the life I so desperately longed for all my life. My question — is there a biological clock in men like the issues women have to deal with in menopause. During the last years of my marriage there was no sex life other than with myself. Now I’m living a fantastic life, with a great man who I love very much. I know there is more to life than sex but now that I’m finally able to express myself physically with a man my ability to perform is just not working.

I’ve tried Viagra and such years ago. They used to work in maintaining an erection, it was just by myself, but I always had fun. The headache’s and discomforts from the meds bring up the question — do I really want to take this?

But now the med’s don’t even help, and as for my libido it suffers with my lack of ability. I’ve been tested for testosterone levels and they say I’m right where I should be at for my age. I’ve seen two doctors about the issue and when they find out my partner’s sex they don’t want to deal with it and seem to just pass it off as an age thing.

I’m in fairly decent good shape, I exercise 3 – 4 days a week at the gym, can you send me any advice on a path to take.

A little frustrated: Djon

A little frustrated? Holy cow, darlin’, you sound a lot frustrated. I don’t blame ya. You finally find what’s been missing throughout your whole life only to discover that your plumbing is now givin’ out on you. Ain’t that a bitch! And before I continue I want to tell you and all the other alternative lifestyle people in my audience, don’t settle for a sex-negative physician no matter what. Dion, find yourself a sex-positive doctor that will look beyond your choice of partner and give you the respect you deserve! Damn, I hate shit like that.

andropause2258You raise an interesting question about the aging process when you ask if men experience something similar to menopause in women. The short answer is — yeah, you betcha! In fact, it even has a name; andropause.  I’ve written and spoken extensively about this very subject. Here’s what I want you to do. Look for the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar, look for the category — AGING. There you will find everything I’ve written and said about Andropause, and Sex and Aging.

You’ll find a whole lot more information there than I can put together for you in this posting. However, I can offer you an overview. It’s only been recently that the medical industry has started to pay attention to the impact changing hormonal levels have on the male mind and body. Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant. WRONG!

Every man will experience a decrease testosterone, the “male” hormone, as he ages. This decline is gradual, often spanning ten to fifteen years on average. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects that menopause does, the end results are similar.

And listen, when a physician says that your testosterone level falls within an acceptable range, he/she isn’t telling you much. Let’s just say you had an elevated level of testosterone all your life, till now. Let’s say that you now register on the lower end of “acceptable”. That would mean that you’ve had a significant loss in testosterone. But your doctor wouldn’t know that, because he has no baseline for your normal testosterone level to begin with.andropause

There is no doubt that a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more pronounced too.

Andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Just know that most medical professionals, like yours, Dion, resist testosterone therapy. Some mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer. Even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. I encourage you to be fully informed about TRT before you approach your doctor, your new sex positive doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively — by you and your doctor.

Finally, getting the lead back in your pencil, so to speak, may simply be an issue of taking more time with arousal play. Don’t expect to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds like you once did. Also, use a cockring.  But most of all, fuckin’ relax, why don’t cha already. Your anxiety is short-circuiting your wood, my friend. And only you can stop that.

Good luck

Never too old

Hey sex fans!

Before we get to today’s Q&A, I have two announcements. First, allow me to introduce you to my new Tumblr site: SEx AdViCe wITH An EDGe. It’s deliciously smutty, don’t cha know. Second, podcasts will resume this coming Monday with a remarkable guest, erotic filmmaker, Kyle Henry.

Alrighty, now to my correspondent.

Name: Macwinhar
Gender: Male (I’m gonna guess)
Age:
Location:
DR. DICK, We have been together almost 25 years. I feel like we need to spice it up. He has had some health issues with knee replacements. He feels he is not a good top any longer. But for me is, that is not the issue. It is not about the topping as is about the intimacy. I am not sure what to do? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sexual boredom often sets in to long-term relationships. And the health issues that accompany the aging process can also throw a wrench in the sexual works, so to speak. These challenges can either be an opportunity for some creative problem solving or they can completely extinguish sexual interest all together.andropause3

I’m disappointed in you, sir! You suggest in your message that butt fuckin’ is the only sexual expression open to you fellas. Surely, you can be a bit more resourceful than that. Have you taken the time to check in with your partner lately to inquire about his sexual needs and desires? If not, I suggest you begin the rehabilitation of your sexual mojo there.

Let me ask you a few pointed questions. Could you guys invite a third party to join you as a periodic sexual playmate? Ya know what they say; “Twosies beat onesies, but nothing be threes.”

How about a little role-playing, a new sex toy, or something kinky, maybe some BDSM perhaps. It’s easy to lose interest in sex when the play is boring, repetitive and ho-hum.

Here’s what I want you guys to do, and I do mean both of you. I want you to mozie on over to my online sex emporium and pick out something new and interesting. Look for the MY STOCKROOM banner in the sidebar for access to this great resource. I want you to pick something for him and I want him to pick something for you.

sexy daddiesI’ve put together a dazzling array of products that will liven up even the most humdrum sex life. Pay particular attention to the COUPLES section of My Stockroom. You’ll find loads of interesting things for couples of every stripe.

Still not sure what to buy? Take a look at my ever so popular adult product review site, Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

There are several sex manuals available in MY STOCKROOM, and even more elsewhere online. You could consult one of them for ideas if you can’t tap into your own god-given queer creativity.

Just in case this hasn’t crossed your mind, us men folk go through physiological and hormonal changes in midlife, just like women do. There’s even a name for it — andropause — the male menopause as it were. http://www.drdicksextoyreviews.com/ As we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. So keep that in mind as you shop for your new sexual accessories. Look for things that will enhance and extend the arousal phase of sex play.sexy daddies 02

Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication will help a sexual relationship stay rich and rewarding even well into one’s senior years. If you’re not talking to you partner about the issues as they arise; you are missing an opportunity to course-correct at the most beneficial time, while the issue is front and center. Need some help communicating? Why not connect with a sex-positive therapist in your area for a little refresher course.

If your old man is avoiding butt fucking because of his knees, you guys might consider trying a new position, one that won’t involve him being on his knees. Look for my tutorial on sex positions: Basic Sexual Positions For One And All! And if that don’t solve your problem, there are still many ways of expressing his ardor that don’t involve his knees. How about some sensual massage, erotic bondage, or some good old-fashioned mutual masturbation with a swell new sex toy like the Fleshlight?

Remember sex oughta be an adventure even for an old “married” couple like you guys. If you don’t take all the opportunities to make things adventurous as they present themselves, you will find that these opportunities will simply vanish. And you’ll be shit out of luck then, darlin’.

Good Luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!