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The Erotic Mind with DL King — Podcast #176 — 01/04/10

Hey sex fans,

We’re BAACK!  It’s a brand new year!  And while I enjoyed my brief respite from podcasting, I’m eager to get back at it.  During the break, these last two weeks, I’ve been busy lining up an amazing array of outstanding guest who will make 2010 a banner year.

We open the new year with yet another addition to The Erotic Mind podcast series.  And speaking of outstanding guests, I have the pleasure of welcoming a true master of the erotic short story and novel, the one and only DL King.

If you know anything about erotica, her name will stand out as a beacon of excellence in the genre.  On top of being a world-class author and editor, DL also publishes an erotica book review site called Erotica Revealed.  But don’t let all these high-faultin’ credentials fool you, because she is brilliantly funny and smutty as all get out.

DL and I discuss:

  • Who is DL King?
  • Her site Erotica Revealed.
  • The need for thoughtful criticism about the erotic in literature.
  • Her numerous publications, both hard copy and web-based.
  • The joy of makin’ ‘em laugh and cum at the same time.
  • Joining her writer’s group.

As a special treat, DL will treat us to a mouth-watering selection of the fruit of her Erotic Mind.  You won’t want miss this, people!

For more of DL, be sure to visit her on her website HERE!  Or her blog HERE!

Click on the cover art below to purchase books.


BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

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Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

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Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S  — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Holier Than Thou

Name: Jean
Gender:
Age: 36
Location: New Haven, CT
I’ve been with the same man for 14 years. We both decided to become Christians about a year ago. Now he’s not interested in sharing the same bed and not interested in having sex with me. It tried to overlook this hoping it was some kind of phase, but it goes on and on and he still doesn’t want sex. He’s the only man that could ever satisfy me sexually. I dated a few guys, four to be exact, before we met. I still love this guy but he won’t acknowledge my feelings. I feel like I’m losing everything, my best friend, my partner, my lover …and my sanity. I’m happy we’re still together, but I’m frustrated to the point of exhaustion without my sex life. Any ideas what I could do to turn this around?

What an unhappy tale of woe you have you have to tell, Jean. The Christian conversion thing didn’t quite work out like ya thought, huh? Well maybe it has less to do with Christianity per se, and more to do with the Joe who converted with you.

I’ve heard similar complaints from other people whose partners have decided, unilaterally, to make a radical life-change for themselves. Often these new zealots fail to appreciate how their life altering decisions impact on the wellbeing of those around them. And because they are so damn single-minded about their new passion — as every zealot is, there is rarely any talking to them.holier-than-thou

Two former clients come to mind. First, there was George, a gay man in a 10-year relationship with this other really sweet guy, Robert. Eight years into the relationship Robert had a heart attack. Despite a full recovery and living a much healthier lifestyle after the hear attack, Robert got it in his head that if he were to have sex again, it would kill him. There was no reasoning with him. No sex ever again, period. This otherwise blessed relationship ended painfully. Pity that!

Another client, Melissa, discovered long-distance running two years into her marriage to Allen. She became like a woman possessed. Running consumed her. Her career, her friends and family, her social life all suffered. But no one took the brunt of her newfound craze more than her husband. At first sex was out of the question because there was no time. Then all that body-punishing running radically changed her entire metabolism. She even stopped menstruating. Her libido virtually expired. Even the imminent demise of her relationship didn’t alter her running routine. So basically Melissa just ran away from her marriage. Simple as all that!

In your case, Jean, your partner appears to have bought into the some of the worst sex-negative messages of Christianity. I suspect that there’s no turning this around and, unless you wish to continue to sacrifice your sexuality on this unworthy altar, I’d suggest you make peace with the fact that life will never return to how it once was.

And what’s all this about he being the only man who could satisfy you? You’ve had only 4 other partners, for christ sake! And most if not all were crummy lovers, right? Are you the kind of gal that quits shopping for shoes after trying on only 5 pair? I think not!

There is a whole world of men out there that would be happily give you what you aren’t getting at home and some of them may even be good lovers. If no accommodation can be made with your husband about fulfilling your needs than I suggest you beat a hasty exit.

The longer you stay in this unhealthy environment the greater the chance will be that you will become more and more embittered. God gave us the gift of sexuality for a purpose. It was meant to give us pleasure and enhance life. Your sexuality is in danger of becoming just the opposite of what nature intended. Do yourself a favor and choose life and happiness. You’ll be glad you did…so will God.

Good luck

Intimate Workout

Hello sex fans,

And now for something completely different… It’s Product Review Friday all right, but we’ve seen nothing like this before. Today I, Dr Dick, will do the honors and tell you about a unique product for men. It’s a brand new product that will, I believe, change your life for the better. And in the process we welcome another new manufacturer to our review effort, Adult Fitness Concepts.

The Private Gym —— Basic $59.99  Advanced $99.99

Dr Dick
There are a handful of things that I have been very passionate about throughout my long career as a sexologist. Each of my passions revolve around two simple principles: the importance of knowing and owning who we are as sexual beings and an knowing about how our body works. These are the basic building blocks of sexual health and wellbeing.

Sexual wellbeing means a whole lot more than simply being able to perform. It also means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of one’s personality and involvement with others. But being unfamiliar with the basics of how our body works will surely short-circuit even our ability to perform.

My aim has always been to provide information, guidance, and resources that will help people approach their unique sexuality in a realistic and responsible manner. That’s what Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews are all about. So when a representative of Adult Fitness Concepts contacted me via email to tell me about their new product (actually, it’s more of a program than a product), the first FDA registered Kegel exercise program for men, my interest was piqued. I was told that the Private Gym was created after 3 years in development with several leading urologists, physiotherapists, and sexual health experts.

I have been an avid proponent of pelvic floor musculature toning for both women and men for my entire career in sexology. I write and speak about this topic so often that sometimes I feel like a broken record. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself. Use the search function in the sidebar of either of my sites, Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews, type in pelvic muscles, and BANG!home_hero_image

Women tend to know more about Kegel exercises, the exercises that tone and strengthen one’s pelvic floor musculature because doctors encourage them to do their Kegels during pregnancy. But here’s a tip for all you guys out there who are reading this and rolling your eyes and getting ready to turn the page because you think this is some kinda Oprah — vagina moment. Listen up you monkeys; kegel exercises aren’t just for the ladies. Us men folk have pelvic muscles too. So pay attention, you’re gonna want to know about Kegels too.

What are Kegels, you may be asking. They’re muscle contraction and relaxation exercises designed help restore, tone, and strengthen the muscles that surround the opening of the urethra (see guys, we have one of those), vagina (ok, we don’t have one of those, but we do have a penis and we get erections), and anus (we sure as hell have one of those). Since this includes the muscle that you use to stop and start the flow of urine, you can check if you’ve identified the right muscle by testing your kegel technique while peeing — if you can stop the flow of urine when tightening, then you know that you’re contracting the correct muscle group. BTW, the main muscle is call the pubococcygeus muscle, or PC muscle for short.

There are several “toys” on the market that are designed to help women tighten and tone their pelvic floor muscles, Ben Wa balls, and all their modern incarnations, for example.  Now, thanks to the Private Gym us men folk have our own exercise program. A program that promises stronger, more rigid erections, a reduction in premature ejaculation, heightened orgasms, improvement in urinary control all while supporting prostate health.

I know what you’re thinking, if I can do Kegels on my own, why do I need a program? Good question. The best answer I can come up with is it will help you stray on track and achieve your goals. I mean, isn’t that the reason we go to a gym? Surely we can workout on our own, but the support and encouragement we get from being part of and involved in a program makes the effort more rewarding. It’s all about psychology, right?

PG-TrainingKitOnly-PromoThe Private Gym is the first interactive, follow-along exercise program that helps men strengthen the muscles that support and control our cock. As men approach age 30, the muscles that support erectile function begin to weaken. By age 40, more than 50% of men experience some form of erectile dysfunction and this number increases to more then 66% as men approach 60 years of age. And for all you bottoms out there, you know how important it is to keep anal muscles in tip-top, pardon the pun, shape.

There are two parts to the Private Gym program — 1) the Basic Training Program (available on DVD or through digital download) and 2) the Complete Training Program, which involves resistance training.

As we all know, resistance training is key to building strong muscles. Imagine doing bicep curls or a bench press without weights. The Private Gym Complete Training Program resistance equipment is basically a weighted high-quality, latex-free, nonporous, phthalate-free, and hypoallergenic silicone cuff for your dick. How amazing is that? You slip this puppy around your stiffy and do your Kegels. The cuff is also waterproof, so it cleans us easily with mild soap and warm water.

Just like all weight training, muscle contractions increase blood flow and increased blood flow to your johnson will…wait for it…produce harder, larger, and longer-lasting erections. Your pelvic musculature is also responsible for the strength of your ejaculation. Do you dribble instead of shoot? Well, my friend, you have some important exercisin’ to do.

While the Private Gym is a practical tool for any guy at any age, I have a few extra words for those men—friends, clients, and correspondents—who are living with and through prostate cancer. I get how difficult things can be after an invasive and life altering surgery. I also know that, for the most part, oncologists are not inclined to walk each of their patients through the emotional and physical minefield that is life after these often devastating medical interventions. But that doesn’t mean you have to sink to the lowest common denominator and shut down as a sexual being.

I believe that the Private Gym Basic Training Program can be helpful in regaining a sense of your sexual self after surgery and radiation. I’m currently working with two clients and we are using the Basic Training Program to rehabilitate their traumatized pelvic musculature. While it is too early to tell what kind of success rate we will have, I can say for certain that the effort involved in this program, as well as both of them knowing that someone really cares about their sexual performance issues, is making a huge psychological difference in terms of outlook and confidence. And that is huge!

My own experience with the program has been very positive. I’m 65 years old and I’ve been dealing with prostate issues, bladder control issues, and erection issues for some time now. I’ve also been doing Kegel exercises for decades, so I conclude that I am as functional as I am because of my efforts to keep my pelvic musculature toned and strong. The Private Gym is helping me be more conscientious about my workouts. And that is a real good thing.
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

Wet and Wild

Name: Phil
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Location: UK
Dear Dr Dick, First I must congratulate you on the two fascinating interviews you held with the delicious Tony Buff.   What an incredibly sexy, compassionate and intelligent man he is, I could have listened to him all day. Anyway, I digress. Tony spoke a lot about the importance of safe sex practices in general as well as within the BDSM genre. He often engages in piss play/watersports and I am keen to know the risks involved in such a practice, as there seems to be a number of mixed messages out there on this subject. I have enjoyed this element of sex play myself, intermittently for a number of years, mostly with lovers/partners. And whilst I don’t consider that I have ever put myself or anyone else at risk, it would be good to know some plain hard facts on the matter, regarding the transmission of sexual infections or otherwise. Perhaps you could clarify what is considered safe and that which is risky, within this practice, in other words, the dos and don’ts. Thanks for your time.

Wow! That brings me back, Phil. The interview you mention happened five years ago. (You can find Part 1 and Part 2 HERE and HERE!) Even though I am no longer podcasting, I am so glad to hear that folks are still discovering my shows, even show from so long ago. For anyone not familiar with my podcast archive, you can find it by clicking on the PODCAST tab in the header.golden-shower1

So you want some plain hard facts, darlin’? I got ‘em. In fact, I forwarded your question to THE MAN himself, Tony Buff. And here’s his response:

That is an excellent question, Phil. Many people don’t understand the risks associated with piss play/watersports. According to the BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex booklet published by the AIDS Committee of Toronto, urine with no blood is fine on the outside of intact skin and urine in the mouth is a negligible risk for getting HIV but if your partner has a urinary tract infection there is a risk of catching other sexually transmitted infections. It’s also important to note that drugs can pass through urine chemically unchanged. Drinking large quantities of urine from someone who has been taking recreational drugs can pass those drugs on to your system. And, if you’re HIV positive be aware that drinking the urine of someone on different treatment drugs than your own regime can cause drug treatment resistance.

So those are the risks. Again, every person has the right to determine his or her own risk profile. With open, honest communication you and your play partner or partners should be able to determine which risks are present and how to best mitigate them. I hope that helps.

Oh, and by the way, you can find the BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex booklet HERE!

So there you have it, directly from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. And if you want to know my thoughts on the matter, which just so happens to mirror the amazing Mr Buff’s thoughts, use the search function in the sidebar to your right and simply type in “watersports” or “golden showers” and Voilà!

Good luck

Mellow With Age

Name: Bob
Gender: Male
Age: 54
Location: Laguna Beach
As an older man, I’ve started having performance problems. Unfortunately there’s no decrease in my libido. I think some of my problem is psychological. I’m also HIV+. And I find myself worrying about transmission even with condoms. But some of the problem is physical. I do wear a cockring and that helps I guess. Is there anything else I can do to increase my performance to match my libido?

Thanks for your comment and question. Your concern is a familiar one. Men regularly present this problem in my private practice and I also have a personal familiarity with the issue in my own life.

Diminished performance, at least in terms of a perpetually stiff dick, is a natural occurrence as we age. There was a time when I thought this was a major problem. I don’t think like that now. These days I’m helping my older clients (and myself) appreciate the full range of sensuality that is the unique purview of us more seasoned lovers. I’ve always felt that as gay men we are too genitally focused, especially when it comes at the expense of all the other pleasure zones our bodies have been gifted with.Kedori - Eileen Gray Bibendum Armchair

The rushed, hormonally driven sex of my youth has matured into a slower, more relaxed and sensual sexuality that I am thoroughly enjoying. This has been one of the very best gifts of the aging process. It’s even having an effect on my younger partners and they are appreciative.

So I no longer equate performance with a stiff dick. For those times when I absolutely need a rock-hard hardon a cock ring does just fine. I’m aware that I may need more time to achieve this kind of erection, but I’m not just twiddling my thumbs while I’m waiting, if ya know what I mean. I am no longer frustrated by this natural phenomenon, because I no longer have unrealistic expectations.

I realize that many men are using with an erection-enhancing medication such as Viagra, but I suggest that this be reserved for those who are truly experiencing erection dysfunction.

I’m also concerned with the alarming rise of younger men, men in their 20’s and 30’s who are using Viagra or another similar drugs recreationally. This is very troubling. If your young body is having difficulty producing an erection, then you need medical attention ASAP, or maybe you just need some sleep. However, if you’re abusing Viagra just so you can have an erection that lasts for hours that’s a real bad idea for several reasons. Not least of which is your body will habituate itself to that stuff and you will find that, in time, you won’t be able to get it up at all without ever increasing doses of Viagra.

viagra cartoonThis is gonna fuck up your cardiovascular system big time. In fact, you may very well be inducing the very sexual dysfunction the drug is supposed to help. Consider the person who overuses eye drops or lip balm or any number of otherwise innocuous health and beauty products. Their body will stop making the natural substances that these over the counter products are intended to assist. It’s counterproductive and it’s ill advised. If this is a problem with relatively harmless over the counter products, you know you are playing with fire when you’re abusing powerful prescription meds.

Whoops, sorry Bob, I went off topic there for a minute. It’s just that every opportunity I get to put out a message that will dissuade someone from hurting one’s self, I just launch into it.

So back to you. It is clear from what you tell me, your performance problems do, as you suggest, also have a psychological component to it. You have a fear that, despite being responsible in your sex play and even though you play safe, you could accidentally pass on HIV.

It’s true; one’s brain can indeed override almost every function of our body. For example, we draw each and every breath we take without even thinking about it. However, if a situation dictates our brain can and does override that essential pulmonary function and we can hold our breath. The same is true with our sexual response cycle. Sometimes we can become sexually aroused without really thinking about it. However, if for one reason or another our brain assisted by our conscience interferes with or even shuts down the sexual arousal, that’s pretty much, all she wrote.

Your scruples about the possibility that you could accidentally pass along HIV are interfering with your sexual response cycle. No cockring or an erection-enhancing medication is going to change that darlin’!

In other words, the problem is not in your cock, the problem is in your head. This is something you’re gonna have to wrestle with and finally resolve. This tension between your head and your dick is actually a good thing. Your body is providing you an opportunity to align your moral values with your sexual performance. How will this resolve itself? I couldn’t say. But I know for sure resolution is possible.

I do suggest, however, that you not try to do this in a vacuum. Reach out to a HIV support group or a sex-positive therapist for the help you need in making peace between your head and your cock.

Good luck

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