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A waning interest in intimacy; a cross-dressing husband

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By Dr. Katie Schubert

As a sex therapist, people sometimes email and call me to ask if I can answer a “quick question” for them. Human sexuality is complicated, and a “quick question” generally has a convoluted answer. However, sometimes I am able to provide a general answer or offer a starting place for those seeking answers. When I polled my students, friends and family about “quick questions” they would like answered by a sex therapist, I was flooded. I narrowed the submissions down to two.

 

INTEREST IN SEX IS GOING, GOING, GONE

I am a 40-year-old woman, married 18 years, with twins, age 15, and a 12-year-old. I am a stay-at-home mom. I spend a lot of time driving the kids to their activities every day. My husband continues to be very interested in having sex, but I couldn’t care less. I’m nowhere near menopause, but I think my hormones are off or something. I have no awareness of desire anymore. What’s happening to me? I still love him very much.

This is a complaint I hear from a lot from women. A recent study published by the National Institutes cross dressingof Health found that the prevalence of sexual dysfunction among all women is estimated to be between 25 and 63 percent. Those figures are even higher for postmenopausal women, at 68 to 86.5 percent. Also, sexual dysfunction is more common in women (43 percent) than in men (31 percent). Further, the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors found that between 26 and 48 percent of women over 40 reported a lack of interest in sex.

To answer your question, you could be experiencing a lack of desire for many reasons. Part of the sex therapy process would be to uncover these reasons and develop ways to increase your desire. Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time job and exhausting. Are you getting enough sleep? Lack of sleep can lead to reduced testosterone levels, which may contribute to a low libido or feelings of fatigue. Was your libido always low, or has it declined over the course of your marriage? It is not uncommon for a person’s sex drive to change over time. Fluctuations in libido often coincide with stress levels, major changes in your life or your relationship, or hormonal changes. How is your relationship with your husband? Does he make you feel guilty for not having sex? Does he help out enough with the kids and around the house? If you are harboring anxious feelings about needing to have sex, or feeling resentment toward your husband for not helping enough with the kids or house, the last thing you will want to do with him is be intimate.

Sex therapists use a process called sensate focus with couples experiencing situations similar to yours. Through sensate focus, couples are given a series of homework assignments geared toward rebuilding intimacy and trust in a relationship in an environment with reduced pressure and anxiety. The exercises begin with nonsexual massages and gradually work up to sexual touching and intercourse.

The fact that you love your husband is not indicative of how much sexual desire you should have for him. However, loving your husband is a great foundation and will help resolve this issue with more ease.

SURPRISE! WIFE FINDS HUSBAND IN HER BRA

I came home early from work one day last week and found my husband sitting in the family room dressed in my bra and panties and watching a sexually graphic movie on TV. He got really angry that I “caught” him. Is this common? What’s going on with him? I am horrified.

First of all, cross-dressing does not mean your husband is gay, bisexual or transgender. Most men who cross-dress are heterosexual and married and simply enjoy the practice. There are varying estimates of the prevalence of male cross-dressers in the United States, ranging from 2 percent to 10 percent. In a study published in the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality (Reynolds & Carson, 2008), researchers found that most of the heterosexual men who engaged in cross-dressing did so to achieve a feeling of “comfort and peace.” Men in the study said they cross-dressed to fulfill a biological, genetic or innate desire.

There have been several studies focusing on the wives of cross-dressers. One of these studies, published in the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality (Reynolds & Carson, 2008), found that most wives did not support their husband’s cross-dressing, but rather tolerated it. Generally, the wife’s biggest source of anxiety about their husband’s cross-dressing was that other people might find out.

If you and your husband were to pursue therapeutic services, it is likely that a therapist would first explore the feelings you both have about his cross-dressing. Often issues arise in relationships due to a lack of communication. You may be horrified by his cross-dressing because you do not understand why he does it or what it means about him. If you are given the space to ask questions and he is given the space to answer your questions, you both may feel more at ease with his cross-dressing. In the therapy session, you both may be asked what it would take for you to tolerate his desire to cross-dress. Most of the time, compromises must be made in order for both partners to feel as if their needs are being met. For instance, you may be able to work with your husband to set limits on his cross-dressing activities so you are more comfortable with his behavior.

Rest assured, your experience is not unique. In our society, gender norms are quite black and white. Any sort of behavior that does not fit into our rigid expectations is seen as taboo. The best thing to do in your situation is to learn more about cross-dressing, whether that means reading up on it or seeking the assistance of a sex therapist.

Complete Article HERE!

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Nicely Naughty

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Name: Seth
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: Las Vegas
My girlfriend has told me that her last boyfriend was very naughty in bed and very good as well, just wondering if you had any advice on how to follow up such an intense sexual relationship? Naughty or intimate, or whatever Thanks SDG,

Let me introduce you to the DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY and show you around this marvelous resource. First you’re gonna have to mozie on over to the Video Library tab at the top of this page. Once you click on that link you’re immediately taken to the video library itself.comma sutra

If you don’t know how a pay-for-view set up works, just click on the “HELP” tab and read all about it. If you already are familiar with this sort of video on demand thingy then you are ready to go.

Here’s what you do. Using the TITLE search field type in key words like: Sexual Secrets. Sex Skills, Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, Best Sexual Positions, Sexual Massage, What Women Really Want…things like that. Each of those searches will take you to a specific video title. Once on a particular title’s page you can read more about that particular vid. You can choose to watch by the minute. You can rent the entire video for an extended period of time. Or even download-to-own the blasted thing. Isn’t that amazing?

Further down the page you’ll see all the scenes from the video you’ve chosen. Here you have the option of watching only the scenes that appeal to you and nothing more.

You can search by Studio and/or by Director. I have a couple of recommendations for this kind of search too. If you are searching by studio look for: Access Instructional Media or anything with Nina Hartley or Tristan Taormino, You can search by Category too. Use the pull-down CATEGORY menu and look for “Instructional”.

Just look at the wealth of information available to you for virtually pennies.

 

And that, my friend, is just the beginning. At the bottom of each page there is a whole selection of other similar types of movies. Why, you could spend hours and hours educating, enriching and entertaining yourself.

And here’s a tip, Seth, why not check out some of these titles with your GF. Don’t be afraid to ask her for a little direction on finding precisely the sorts of things that interest her. If, as you say, she is more sexually experienced then you; then, by all means, allow her to take the lead. This in no way insinuates that you are less a man for doing this. Rather it will mark you as an open minded, sexually progressive fellow who wants to learn. No woman will be able to resist that.

Finally, I encourage you to keep things playful…even as you learn.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

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Play With ME!

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Once again, I have the pleasure of introducing all you perverts and pervettes to some very appealing playthings. Thanks to my inquisitive correspondents and my very own, Dr Dick’s Stockroom, I’m able to bring you yet another installment of my ever so popular, Sex Toy Awareness feature.

Name: Terrancer099.jpg
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Location: Baltimore
I’m in the mood for something new, distinctive and fun. I’ve done the whole leather thing. But now, since everyone is doing it, it’s so trite. The new wave seems to be rubber. What do you think?

You are so right, Terrance darling. Leather is so last year. Latex, on the other hand is so very au currant! I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you are gay, Gay, GAY! Gayer even than Senator Craig in a public crapper. Who else but a real ‘mo would dare to set himself up as the arbiter of current fetish fashion? We’ll you’re in luck. Lookie here — Latex Chaps w/ Side Stripes.

These classic motorcycle-style chaps are made from the finest quality 40 gauge black rubber with 30 gauge latex colored trim. The snap front waistband and lace-up back allow for a custom fit.

Heavy-duty black zippers give the chaps strength to contain even a body builder’s thighs! (Mmmm, body builder thighs!) This body-flattering cut will lift, push out, and support the rear and show off your package. You do have a nice ass and big package, don’t you Terrance? For a hot night of playing in gear, these chaps always allow for easy access to your assets.

Choose stripes in Yellow, White or Red. The Classic Rubber Latex jockstrap is sold separately.

Name: Matti
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: CT
The BF and I are looking forward to Halloween. I know, I know, we’re not even back to school yet. But hey, can a gal ever be too prepared? Ourc008.jpg sorority has an annual masquerade party and I plan on wearing this totally hot red satin bustier. But I need something else. Where do I look for something naughty, but nice…something no one else will have?

Girl, why don’t we just start our Christmas shopping now? Holy cow, you are gettin way ahead of me. But never fear, I took a look in the Stockroom and found just the thing — The Dragon Lady Mask.

The Dragon Lady Mask is a hand-molded, hand-painted leather mask that extends out into playful points and swirls, with distinct red, black and white painted markings.

Designed to shape the contours of the face, this mask has an unearthly, yet realistic expression and decorative personality.

Name: Monster
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Location: Albuquerque
I’ve tried so many sex toys over the years only to find that most of them are shit. Do you know of any toys that are not just ridiculous novelties? I want something for the industrial strength toy user.

You betcha! Here’s one you can kick-start…well almost. But you will need a powerc367.jpg tool — The Dual Motion, Handheld Sex Machine.

This fucking machine is the smallest, handiest, most versatile handheld device and it’s affordable. Your can connect this Sex Machine to any Fleshlight or Vac-U-Lock dildo for exciting hands-free multi-speed solo sex. The device is lightweight, quiet, safe and feels fantastic.

It thrusts and it rotates! Its unique dual action reciprocation and optional rotation moves up to 300 revolutions per minute and has a 3″ linear thrust. It is powered by a cordless electric screwdriver or drill. (Not included.) It is easily disassembled for cleaning, storage and installation of upgrades, and is dishwasher safe.

The quality construction sets itself apart from other fucking machines, and it comes with a one-year manufacturer’s warranty against breakage, wear and tear. How does that sound, Monster? If you wear it out, they’ll replace the parts and put you in their hall of fame!

Supplied in an easy-to-assemble kit form, it comes with full instructions. It takes about 15 minutes to assemble. The plastic parts are all polycarbonate (what bullet-proof windows are made of) and the metal parts are all stainless steel.

Name: Gaffray
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Kansas
I like beating off! I want to try something besides my fist. What’s that thing that looks like a flashlight called? I keep seeing them around. Are they any good?c149.jpg

I’ve heard only good things about the ever so popular — Fleshlight Male Masturbator.

The Pink Lady Fleshlight Male Masturbator is an innovative creation that provides an exciting and fun new method of self-pleasure for men. With the lid on, this discreet male masturbation toy resembles an oversized flashlight, but twist the lid off and an enticingly fleshy pink erotic opening appears. The soft and creamy cyberskin filling of the pliable tube feels very smooth, and extremely realistic. The fleshlight has 8” of insertable length, and a removable base making it even longer.

The Fleshlight also features vibe insertion, and suction control. The Pink Lady has a genuine vagina-like opening. (You can get one that looks like a butt hole if you don’t want a pussy opening.) The Fleshlight is also great fun when enjoyed with a partner.

Name: Tessa
Gender: Female
Age: 33
Location: Sherman Oaks
My husband and I are taking our first tentative steps into the world of kink. Unfortunately, we really don’t know what we’re doing. Are there any good guides out there for the novice kinkster?

I have just the thing for you and the hubby! Check it out — Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples.c404.jpg

This book is written for the fetishist, for their lovers and for anyone who wants to maximize a fetish or figure out if he/she has a fetish. It will help the budding fetishist “come out” about his/her kink, and find a community of like-minded folks.

This handy guide demystifies and breaks down the definition of a fetish, takes the time to explain why fetishes are alluring and what to do when one is curious about how to play with that fetish. The volume’s author, Violet Blue is the best…well besides dr dick, that is. She is frank, friendly and full of practical advice. There are even erotic short stories by Thomas Roche to tantalize and inspire.

Role-playing, Fetish Dressing, Cross Dressing, Human Animal Play and Medical Play are some of the topics covered in this informative and entertaining couple-centered guide.

Good luck, ya’ll

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Time to make room for sex in our care homes

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We need to open up to the significance of love and sexuality in later life

The persistence of romantic love in long-term relationships is, unsurprisingly, associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

By

Although Valentine’s Day is often criticised as a cynical creation by florists and the greeting cards industry, it is a useful focal point for considering love and sexuality as elements of human wellbeing that often escape attention in healthcare.

This neglect is most marked in later life, when popular discourse on late life romance is dominated by simple notions of asexuality or by ribald jokes

There are many reasons why healthcare professionals need to learn more about human love and sexuality, not least of which is a fuller understanding of the nature and meaning of ageing.

exuality is a core element of human nature, encompassing a wide range of aspects over and above those related to genital functions, and the medical literature has rightly been criticised for taking too narrow a vision of sexuality.

We need to open up to the continuing significance of love and sexuality into later life

This narrow vision is paralleled by a steady trend in the neurosciences of “neuroreductionism”, an over-simplistic analysis of which parts of the brain light up in sophisticated scanners on viewing photos of a loved one.

We need to open up to the continuing significance of love and sexuality into later life, understanding that sexuality includes a broad range of attributes, including intimacy, appearance, desirability, physical contact and new possibilities.

Studies

Numerous studies affirm sexual engagement into the extremes of life, with emerging research on the continuing importance of romantic love into late life. There is also reassuring data on the persistence of romantic love in long-term relationships, unsurprisingly associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

A growing literature sheds light on developing new relationships in later life, with a fascinating Australian study on online dating which subverts two clichés – that older people are asexual and computer illiterate.

The challenge in ageing is best reflected in the extent to which we enable and support intimacy and sexuality in nursing homes. Although for many this is their new home, the interaction of institutional life (medication rounds, meals), issues of staff training and lack of attention to design of spaces that foster intimacy can check the ability to foster relationships and express sexuality.

For example, is the resident’s room large enough for a sofa or domestic furnishings that reflects one’s style, personality and sense of the romantic? Are sitting spaces small and domestic rather than large day rooms? Do care routines allow for privacy and intimacy? Is there access to a selection of personal clothes, make-up and hairdressing?

Granted, there can also be complicated issues when residents with dementia enter new relationships and the need to ensure consent in a sensitive manner, but these should be manageable with due training and expertise in gerontological nursing and appropriate specialist advice.

Supports

A medical humanities approach can provide useful supports in education from many sources, ranging from literature ( Love in the Time of Cholera), film ( 45 Years or the remarkable and explicit Cloud 9 from 2009) or opera (Janácek’s Cunning Little Vixen, a musical reflection of the septuagenarian composer’s passion for the younger Kamila Stösslová).

We, as present and future older Irish people, also need to take a step back and consider if we are comfortable with a longer view on romance and sexuality.

The Abbey Theatre did us considerable service in 2015 with a wonderful version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream set in a nursing home. We were struck by a vivid sense of the inner vitality of these older people, suffused with desire, passion and romance.

This contemporary understanding of companionship and sexuality in later life was enhanced by casting Egeus as a son exercised about his mother’s romantic choices instead of a father at odds with his daughter.

We can also take heart from an early pioneer of ageing and sexuality, the late Alex Comfort. Best known for his ground-breaking The Joy of Sex, he was also a gerontologist of distinction, and wrote knowledgeably about the intersection of both subjects with characteristic humour.

He wrote that the things that stop you having sex with age are exactly the same as those that stop you riding a bicycle: bad health, thinking it looks silly or having no bicycle, with the difference being that they happen later for sex than for the bicycle.

His openness and encouragement for our future mirror Thomas Kinsella’s gritty poem on love in later life, Legendary Figures in Old Age, which ends with the line: ‘We cannot renew the Gift but we can drain it to the last drop.’

Complete Article HERE!

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The Ties That Bind

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 An Exploration of Anchorage’s Kink Community

by K. Jered Mayer

“Here’s a couch you can sit and relax on, or whatever. I like to suck dick while the guy is reading. It’s the sapiosexual side of me.”

Surprised, I glanced at the man guiding me through the rooms to see if the statement was meant for me. It was not. Not all of it, anyway. Everything after introducing me to the furniture had been an aside to a friend of my leather-clad cicerone as they passed by, but it had been said so offhandedly and received so earnestly that I knew right then I had never been in a place quite like this before.

The Alaska Center for Alternative Lifestyles–mercifully acronymized and more commonly known as ACAL–has been labeled in the past as “Anchorage’s only sex club.” It’s an oversimplification that people are quick to correct, not least of all the Center’s founder, Sarha Shaubach. The website she set up for ACAL is done so in a way as to put focus on the real purpose behind the organization’s inception. Not for scintillation nor sexploitation. Certainly not for orgies, which require “a lot of planning and connection” to arrange. Instead, the focus is on community.

“Your Kink Community Home Base” graces the top of the main page, followed by a description promising “elevated kink education and foundation building,” as well as a “judgement [sic] free, body positive environment,” and protection and equipment for healthy exploration.

The FAQ section on their website goes even further into detail. Here, BDSM is defined as a more complex, overlapping number of ideas, and not just whips and chains and ball gags. There are answers in this area to questions about privacy, membership costs and advantages and various other things to expect regarding dress codes (there isn’t one), alcohol–there isn’t any of that, either; it’s critical there is zero confusion regarding consent–and what else is offered for those not interested in the tying or whipping side of it. And there is plenty offered: card games, movie nights, bootblacking (the polishing of one’s leathers) and regular classes on rope and knot work to promote healthy bondage and prevent serious injuries.

While the club itself had some initial troubles starting up–Sarha notably sent the Press a letter in December 2014 detailing her struggles getting ACAL up and running in the old Kodiak bar building while co-leasing the space with “Fuck It” Charlo Greene–classes, play sessions, recurring memberships and group events have proven strong enough to keep the community thriving.

So much so, in fact, that it was inevitable a larger venue would someday be needed. When that day came this last summer, ACAL didn’t need to look far to find it. Back in June, weekend events began being held in an 8,000-square foot space on 3rd Avenue. By July, they were fully moved in.

When ACAL finally came to my personal attention last month, they had fully settled into the location and I was chomping at the bit to write about it. Sexuality has always fascinated me in its myriad forms, as has people’s reactions to it and how readily some subscribe to an opinion based on what they think something is and not based on what it actually is.

I wanted to know. I wanted to learn.

ACAL offers a text-based subscriptions service to alert people of upcoming events. When I reached out to Sarha for the first time, she asked if she could sign me up for what she called “the same spam stuff” she gave to anyone interested in attending the Center for the first time. I agreed–I wanted to approach this from the ground up.

So it is that I found myself downtown on New Year’s Eve opening a door with a leather pride flag draped over it. I ducked inside and scaled a gray stone staircase, then waited my turn as the woman in the box office window politely explained to a couple men that no, this wasn’t the entrance to the Latin dance party that was also going on, that was the other side of the building, this was something much, much different. They shuffled back past me. It was my turn.

“Yeah, I’m here for the, ah…” At the time, I only knew it as the Alaska Center for Alternative Lifestyles, which was a rigid mouthful, or as the “fetish club,” which seemed remarkably ill-informed. Which I was. So I stammered.

“Are you here for the dance night or for ACAL,” she asked. I confirmed the latter. When she asked me if it was my first time attending, I confirmed that too and she handed me a five-page pamphlet on the rules to follow, appropriate and inappropriate behaviors and the safe word. Safety, discretion, clear-mindedness, consent and a zero-tolerance policy on hate speech were all heavily emphasized. I signed a consent sheet and returned it to the box office, where I was quizzed on what I had read before being allowed entry.

I passed my quiz with rainbow colors, paid my $25 non-member entry fee and had my license number written down and filed away with my paperwork. Once that was finished, I was assigned a guide to give me a tour of the facility.

“Normally, we’ve got the whole floor,” I was told. “But sometimes, like tonight, we rent out the big room to other events. Only this side is open tonight, but that’s okay. Sometimes I like that more. It’s more intimate.”

The first room I was led into was the social room. Cell phones are allowed here, but strictly for texts. Pictures are prohibited and people are asked to take calls outside, to maximize privacy. There are plenty of seats around the space to relax or recline upon. Snacks or food are customarily set out for guests, as are sodas and water. The night I went, there was a hummus plate. It was delicious.

The social area serves multiple purposes. Members and guests can meet here to discuss activities for the evening, or to shoot the shit, or to take a break from anything that was too exhausting or discomfiting in the play room. I saw an even mix of men and women sprawled out under a number of fantastic art pieces. Variety was the spice of life in the social room when it came to age, body types and dress. T-shirts and jeans here, corsets and leather chaps there. I saw smiling faces. I heard giggles, chuckles and guffaws. It felt safe. Relaxed.

From there, we moved into a second, transitional room. The room with the couch. While my guide took a moment to discuss oral sex preferences and unrelated plans for the weekend, I took in the small area. Some pornography sat on top of a cabinet for anyone needing a primer to get in the mood. On the walls were photos of bound men and women. There was a bookcase packed with books on sexuality and erotica. There was also a healthy collection of close-up, black and white photographs of vaginas with varying grooming situations and piercing statuses. It was fascinating to me, from an artistic perspective, to see such a display of body variance.

The last room, just beyond, was the playroom. Low-lit, blue themed. A long, padded table was positioned near the door for massages or wax play. A mattress was pushed against one corner on the right, covered in a Minions blanket that honestly struck me as the most out-of-place thing in the room. The bed was unoccupied, but the other corner on the right side was not, as a young man practiced different knots while binding his girlfriend. They moved thoughtfully, conscious of each other’s bodies, a sensuous grace about them.

To their left, against the center of the back wall, was a stand meant for kneeling over. A couple was wrapping up their spanking session. It was loud and vigorous and I could feel my cheeks flushing as aggressively as, well, hers.

And still there was more. Directly in front of me was a cushioned bench. A wooden overhang had a metal ring affixed to it. A man walked by me, trailed by a woman, as my tour guide described the layout. He stripped down to his underwear and his companion helped slip a restraint through the ring, binding his wrists above his head. She followed that with some light whipping and tickling. She massaged his bare back. She slapped his ass. The entire time, they communicated clearly.

There was one more room, an off-shoot to the left, that held a cage and two X-shaped structures one could be bound to. Whatever had been going on before I stepped in was over and the women there were busy getting dressed and cleaning the equipment.

My tour ended then, with an, “And there you go! Have fun!”

I did have fun, though I couldn’t help but feel a little like an outsider. I watched these men and women during intimate moments. A woman undressing while her friends bound her with thin rope. A young couple using the open floor space to wrestle, asserting dominance over each other. A lady in a frilly blue skirt being digitally stimulated by a man who looked like a sexy train conductor. I was a voyeur, drinking in the sights, but though I was fascinated, I wasn’t quite prepared for the role. I retreated after a while to the social room. Did I mention the hummus plate was delicious?

I left around midnight. The New Year. The ball had dropped, people were toasting. I left with nothing but positive impressions in mind.

But Sarha and I had agreed that you couldn’t gauge the Center based off one experience. And so a week later I returned. The full floor was open this time for a 12-hour lock-in event. I brought two women with me, neither of whom had ever been, to see how it felt to others.

On my return trip, the playroom I experienced the first time had been rearranged into a general activity room. There were more attendees as well, but fewer sexual activities. Instead, everyone was more focused on games like no-money strip poker and Cards Against Humanity.

My friends and I checked out the other half of the floor eventually, walking into a room I can only describe as cavernous. The floor was bare concrete, which tied up the winter cold and exposed it to us. Heat bars were plugged in, to little effect. A handful of lamps provided gloomy illumination.

There was plenty more room here to put on a show. Tables and mats were set up to lay and play upon. At the back, a silhouette screen and photographer were set up for discrete erotic photo sessions. To one side sat a Sybian. If you’re unfamiliar with those, it’s a sort of vibrating saddle to which you can secure a synthetic dick. A box nearby had an incredible assortment of different lengths, girths and angles.

The room was impressive and filled with orgasmic opportunities, but with so much cold and open space and with so few people occupying it, it felt almost too bare. I recalled my guide’s preference for the more intimate arrangements, and it made sense to me now. This felt less like a shared moment and more like an impersonal display, a sentiment shared by one of the women with me.

All the same, both of my companions–neither identified as particularly fetishistic or kinky–told me they could definitely feel the sense of comfort and community that permeated the walls of ACAL. It was a reminder, again, that this place was meant to be more than just a “sex club.”

My friends and I left and talked about the evening over drinks and in the days that followed I reached out to other members of Anchorage’s fetish and kink community to talk about their experiences in general and to see what their relationship with ACAL–if any–had been like. The majority of responses were positive, but not all of them.

In fairness and full disclosure, I did hear back from a pair of women who had been decidedly turned off by their visits. One lady told me she had been pressured multiple times by men ignoring the No Means No rule–victims of this harassment are encouraged to approach management immediately so the violator can be dealt with. Astoria, who gave me permission to use her name, told me she didn’t have confidence in the level of security or protection the club promised.

I can see how this could be a concern. Aside from having documented signatures and taking down license and ID numbers, there isn’t a way to effectively run background checks on everyone rolling through. Instead, members and guests are expected to be self-reliant and cautious through conversation. When it works–as in the case of convicted sex offender Daniel Eisman who broke his probation by attending last October–the nefarious entity is quickly rousted from the club. But when it doesn’t work? Well, it comes down to observation, communication, crossed fingers and a knock on wood.

That being said, my experiences with ACAL and my research into the community around it left me with the firm belief that these types of incidents are in the minority and that the heart of the organization beats around the desire to provide a sense of normalcy to lifestyles different than what most might be used to. They do this by promoting education, patience, discussion, acceptance and understanding that not everyone is going to get off to the same thing. And that’s okay! The lesson is to be comfortable with yourself.

Wrapping this up, I thought it best to end with something for people who might be on the fence. For that, I went back to the community. I asked Astoria–a 26-year-old local fetishist who says she’s tried just about everything–for one thing she would tell anyone curious about alternate lifestyles.

“SSC,” she said. “Safe, Sane and Consensual. That phrase is a big part of being kinky. People are in the lifestyle because it’s something they enjoy or need to get by with the rest of what life throws at you.”

Being safe, considerate of the comfort of others and treating people rationally. Crazy how key behaviors in an “alternative” lifestyle are the same things everyone should already be doing regularly.

And was there anything else I took home from the experience, I’m going to assume you’re asking. Did I come away with any new interests myself? Well, I’ll just have to get back to you. I’m a little tied up at the moment.

Complete Article HERE!

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