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Like Cats And Dogs

Name: Karen
Gender: Female
Age: 33
Location: Dorchester, MA
My marriage of 12 years has hit a real rocky patch. I know my husband loves me and I certainly love him and we both love our 3 kids dearly. It’s just that we (he and I) have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. Every discussion, not just about sex, turns into a huge dust-up. It’s getting us both down. I don’t know where to turn. I was reading about your counseling practice and wanted to ask if you thought couple’s counseling was worth our while. Unfortunately we live on the other side of the country, so we can’t see you. But I’d look around here for help it you thought it would help. Thanks.

Yeah, I think couple’s counseling might very well help, and it might even help a lot. It sounds like you have a bank of good will eye_contact_cartoongoin with your hubby. You guys still love each other. Maybe that’s a good enough and strong enough foundation to get you through this rough patch. But you’ll never know unless you invest some time and energy into getting to the bottom of what’s eating at you guys. A good counselor will be able to assist you with that.

It’s true; you are on the other side of the country from me, but we could still work together. The thing is, I kept hearing from folks like you, far-flung from my home base here in Seattle, so I decided to introduce a remote therapy option for those who can’t see me at my office. I now offer counseling and coaching sessions by phone or through Skype. For more information about this see the Therapy Available page in the header (under the heading About Dr Dick).

Regardless of where you find the help you are looking for, let me say from the outset; this intervention won’t be inexpensive, but no worthy endeavor ever is. Besides a good marriage is worth the investment, don’t you think? As you guys consider taking your problems to a professional, allow me to direct your attention to the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar. Search for the main category — Sex Therapy. Under that heading you will find the subcategory — “Fair Fight Training.” These postings and podcasts will help you begin working on your communication skills. In fact, if you guys can learn to fight fair, you will have gone a long distance to healing whatever ails you.fight1

Basically, this is what any good therapist will help you do. He/she ain’t gonna solve your problems for you, but she/he will teach you how to effectively communicate with each other, find solutions to your problems, and do so without battering one another to death in the process.

Most of us have really poor communication skills, if we have any skills at all. We generally fight first and ask questions later. We immediately get into a defensive posture, even before being attacked. We know how to manipulate, whine, or blame and “cover our own ass,” but that’s not communicating.

Effective communication begins with “EFFECTIVE LISTENING. ”

Here’s how I see it; even if we were to express our feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively that’s only half the task. Equally important is listening to and understanding what our partner communicates. If I’m too busy formulating my response to what my partner is saying, I’m not really listening to what’s being communicated. In fact, if I’m all balled up in preparing my defense, I may be missing the most important part of the message — the nonverbal cues coming from my partner. If I’m inside my own head, I have no resources available to decode or interpret the message coming from my partner, like through body language.effective-communication-cycle

In other words, effective communication only happens when both partners are able to receive, decipher, interpret and understand the full message coming from the other in precisely the way he/she intends it. This is a difficult skill to master, mostly because it means I have to put the interests of my partner before my own interests. And who among us can say we do that with ease?

Effective listening is dependent on being an active listener. Active listening is being genuinely interested in understanding what our partner thinks, feels and wants. An active listener is concerned with the full message coming from our partner — the verbal part as well as the nonverbal. I mean, think about it; sometimes we say one thing, but our body language says something quite different. So if I’m only attentive to the words I will surely miss the other, and possibly more important, non-verbal message coming from my partner.

When I listen actively I am more concerned with grasping what is being communicated than formulating my response. If I can accurately paraphrase my partner’s message as I receive it, as well as ask my partner for verification; then I’m on the right track. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it so effective.

When you practice this feedback method, try to:

  • Grasp the feelings or intent beyond the words.
  • Resist the impulse to immediately answer questions that come from your partner. Because questions are often not always questions; sometimes they’re rhetorical statements.
  • If you’re confused by what you hear, or you don’t understand what is being said, say so.
  • Acknowledge your partner’s feelings. If you hear anger, hurt, or fear let your partner know that’s what you hear.
  • Use eye contact and be conscious of his body language.
  • Be empathic and nonjudgmental.
  • Finally, thank your partner for entrusting his thoughts, feeling or whatever to you.

Good luck

Bottoms UP!

Name: Chris
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Location: San Francisco
Dr. Dick- Wow, may I say this is a fantastic site. It is good to see sex as an open topic and that its not only an allowable activity, it is a good activity to take part in. I’m 23, gay, and living in beautiful San Francisco (the perfect place for a 23 year old gay boy to be!), and your tutorials have taken my blowjob and power bottoming skills from that was good to wow lets do that again!

If I may make one suggestion: in the Liberating the Big Old Bottom Within guide, I personally recommend that anyone who wants to bottom get to know the fiber aisle at the grocery/drug store. I find that it helps to keep things squeaky clean longer.

But the question I had was about orgasms while bottoming. Is there any technique that you know of that would help me reach orgasm while bottoming without having to touch myself. I almost reached that point last night while experimenting with some new moves in the sac … but I was wondering if there were any, er, exercises I could do on my own to reach there with my partners (playing safely of course).

Yes, you may say this is a fantastic site. You can say that over and over if you like. All kidding aside, thank you for your very kind words.

grab assAnd I’m hoping you are enjoying the site’s new look. While our logo remains the same, I recently reconfigured the pages. Of particular note, is the Podcast Archive drop-down menu. Now you can go directly to each of my four podcast series: The Erotic Mind, SEX WISDOM, Sex EDGE-U-cation, Play With It shows. The Q&A shows are lumped under the general heading, Podcast.

As before, the toy reviews tab takes you to adult product review site. The Video Library tab takes you to Dr Dick How To Video Library, just as it always has. And the About Dr Dick page is also a drop-down menu, which contains the contact page, the Got A Sex Question page, the Therapy Available page and The Buzz page.

Sadly, I had to deactivate the Lick-A-Dee-Split sex advice podcast VOICEMAIL HOTLINE. It was underused and it was very expensive.

You will also notice that the site’s sidebar has been cleaned up considerably. The clutter is gone and I think it looks really nice as is. So ya’ll, go take a look and see what you think. Send me your comments after you’ve had an opportunity to look around.

Ya know, Chris, I was just about your age when I moved to the Bay Area. I finished my undergraduate degree in the spring of 1972 in Washington, DC. Later that year I moved to Oakland to begin my graduate work in Berkeley. I remember thinking to myself back then, OMG, I’ve fallen into a pot of jam. Leaving a very conservative school in the nation’s capitol, I found myself, almost immediately, on the other end of the political spectrum on the other side of the country. The world began to open for me. Berkeley was magical and my life changed immediately for the better.

In 1978, at the age of 28, I moved to San Francisco to begin work on my doctorate. It was like a dream come true. While I was living in Oakland, I would cross the bay bridge several times a week just to soak up San Francisco’s uniqueness. I used to think as I crossed the bridge and approached the city. My god, what a beautiful site! While I thought Oakland was great, I was happy not to have to commute any longer. To finally reside in the city I loved so much felt like I had died and gone to heaven.pegging147

The 70’s and early 80’s were the halcyon days of my youth. Oh to be young and gay and to live in San Francisco at that time. I wouldn’t exchange that experience for all the tea in china. I decided way back then that I would open myself to as many life-expanding experiences as presented themselves. For the most part, I was served very well by this philosophy. Of course, there were plenty of unsavory experiences that I would never want to relive, but even they were full to the brim with helpful information about me, my sexuality, my growing eroticism, as well as and the rest of the world around me. As I look back I have no regrets and lots of very happy memories.

I thought I would reside in the jewel by the bay for as long as I lived. I had surely found home. But as fate would have it, that didn’t happen. I left San Francisco for Seattle in 1999, after nearly 30 years in that amazing place. Now I look back fondly on that transformative time. The life lessons I leaned there continue to serve me well even now. I am immeasurably richer for the time I lived and loved there.

Boy, that got me way off message, huh? Sorry about that. It’s just that your email got me to reminiscing about being young and gay and living in San Francisco.

OK, on to your concerns. First, let me ask you to add your thoughts on the importance of fiber intake for the aspiring BOB (Big Old Bottom) in the comments section of that very posting. Would you do that for me? As much as I appreciate you offering your pearls of wisdom to me, I think all of our audience would benefit. Don’t you agree? The beauty part of a site like this is the cumulative knowledge and insight of all who visit there. I can’t do this all on my own, don’t cha know!  And remember, butt fuckin’ ain’t just for the gays anymore.  Straight men are discovering the joys of their prostate too.

I have a lot to say to your question about prostate orgasms while bottoming. And I would like to begin by saying that, while prostate orgasms are possible for some of us, not all of us will ever experience one. I’m not sure one can actually train himself to have one of these illusive orgasms at will. But what I can say for sure is, that this will never happen unless one is fully prostate aware.

daddy's boysHow does a fella become fully prostate aware, you might ask. Good question. I suppose that would start with an intimate familiarity with your anatomy. Do you know how you are put together “down there?” You sound like a clever lad, so maybe you are. If you’re not, my site has lots of important information. Look for Male Reproductive System in the CATEGORY section of the sidebar.  It falls under the main category — Sex Therapy.

Knowing and loving your prostate is the next step in this process. Prostate massage is where you will begin. You can do this with your fingers, a dildo, or a specialized “tool” like one of the prostate massagers that you can find at drdicksextoyreviews.com. Use the CATEGORY drop-down menu in the sidebar that site. Look for Prostate Massage, and presto!

There’s one final thing you’ll need to master and that is Kegel exercises. If you are unfamiliar with these and/or why you need to practice these exercises, you can read and/or listen to all the posting — written and podcast, I’ve made about this very important regimen. Just look for Kegels in the CATEGORY drop-down menu in the sidebar of drdicksexadvice.com. You will find this subcategory under the main category — Sex Therapy.

I’d be very interested in hearing from you again. I’d like to know how you are cuming along in your quest for the illusive hands-free orgasm. And don’t forget to use the comments section on any of the postings. I want you to share your insights with all of us.

Good luck

Foreskin freak outs!

Hey sex fans,

I know what you’re thinkin’: Hey Dr Dick, what’s up with your podcasts? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s true I haven’t posted a podcast in two weeks. But there’s a good reason. I’ve been busy, damnit! I have a new book coming out in a matter of days and all my energies have been focused in that direction. Gettin’ a book published is like birthin’ babies, don’t cha know.

That being said, I have put together a fantastic line up of guests for my show that will delight and amaze you. And my stellar guest list will take us into the fall. So stay tuned; podcasts will resume next week, Monday, 07/15/13.

To tide you over till then, I have some interesting Q&A from all over the freakin world.

Jerome and Conor, an American and an Englishman. each present a similar problem.

Name: Jerome
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: CA
Dr Dick, I have an uncut penis and when I’m in the shower and my foreskin is pulled back, the head of my dick hurts pretty bad from the falling water. The shower is not heavily pressurized, but it still hurts. Any answers?

AND

Name: Conor
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: London
My helmet is really sensitive I think it is because it is never really exposed because it is always behind my foreskin. How do I make it become less sensitive? Thanks

You boys have got your work cut out for you with the whole desensitizing thing, don’t cha know. Ya see, the more bodyasart5420you expose your sensitive dickhead to direct stimulation, be it touch or whatever, the less sensitive it will become.

I realize this isn’t gonna be all that pleasurable, at least not in the short-run, but you will find that in a matter of days this hypersensitivity will begin to reverse itself and pleasure will replace discomfort. Jerome, you have the right idea with the shower thing. However, you might want to try buffering your dickhead with a thin piece of fabric, like a handkerchief, at first. Once you can tolerate that level of sensation, remove the cloth and let the shower flow hit you dickhead directly. Make sure you do this daily for as long as you can stand it. Like I said, this will help desensitize your dickhead in a matter of days.

Once you’re out of the shower apply some nice lotion to your cockhead. This will diminish some the sensitivity. It will also help your fingers move easily on and around it.

Make sure that you fully retract your foreskin each time you jerk off. Every time you come in contact with your glans you will be desensitizing it. Patience and perseverance are the keys to making this happen in a relatively short period of time. If you are conscientious about this you will notice a difference in sensitivity in just a matter of days. Remember, it’ll be a no pain/no gain sorta thing, at least at the beginning.

To assist you in this process, you might consider trying a desensitizing lotion or cream to reduce some of the hypersensitivity. Some of these products are sold as a means of increasing ejaculatory control. But they also work for problem sensitivity too. Ya see these lotions and creams will have a “numbing effect” on your cock. If you choose to use one of these products, use it sparingly and only for a limited time.

If you check out MY STOCKROOM you will find several such products. Look for Boy Butter Extreme. It’s a desensitizing water-based lube, which contains 7.5% benzocaine; a strong local anesthetic, the maximum amount allowed by law.

Or look for Analyse Me! Anal Comfort Spray. Obviously, this is a product developed to desensitize your butt hole before fucking. But again, this will work on your dickhead as well. This product is lidocaine and benzocaine free.

Good luck you guys

A_Foreskin_Retraction_Series

Name: Saukha
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Location: India
Hi Doc, My problem is a stiff / tight frenulum. For past few months whenever I make love with my wife, it hurts, feels like something slightly rips, after applying anti-fungal ointments it gets ok but when we do it again it reoccurs and hurts when I wash my penis with plain water. IS there any ointment or cream, which would help frenulum to get more stretchable? Or is circumcision the only answer to my problem as we are planning for a family and don’t wanna go under the knife (if something goes wrong), just a bit scared for it. Please help and guide. Thanks a lot in advance.

Why are you using an anti-fungal ointment? Do you have some kind of a skin condition that requires you to use a use an anti-fungal treatment under your foreskin? If you don’t, you are probably adding to your problems by using this stuff. An anti-fungal ointment will dry out your skin, particularly under your foreskin. And that sounds like your problem right there.

Are you using a nice personal lube when you fuck? If not, that’s what you need to introduce into your lovemaking. This will not just be for you, of course. It’ll also for you lovely wife. A nice silicone-based or water-based lube will work wonders on your dick and it will assist in your wife’s comfort too. Please, give it a try.

There’s no reason you should have to consider circumcision. But the proper care and upkeep of your foreskin is essential to a properly functioning natural cock. I’ve written and spoken extensively about this. Go to the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar and look under the heading Body Issues for the subcategory — Foreskin. There’s loads of information there.

You probably saw the comments I made to the two guys right above, right? A desensitizing cream or lotion might help you too. But whatever you do, stop drying out the delicate tissue under your foreskin.

Good luck

Boys Will Be Boys

Name: James
Gender: Male
Age: 19
Location:
I want to know if I should have sex with a man for the first time.

Well gee, darlin’, I suppose that would all depend on if you are into man-sex or not. If you are, I suppose having your first encounter will be like falling off a log. However, if you’re not into gay sex, then why would you even be considering such a thing.boys kissing

For the sake of argument, let’s just say you are into some hot man-on-man action, or think you are. If that’s the case, I have some questions. Do you have a particular partner in mind? If you do, what is it about this guy that makes you want to get physical with him? If you’re honest with yourself about this, you will probably be able to determine what kind of sexual contact you want to have with the dude. Which brings me to my next set of questions.

What kind of gay sex are you looking to experiment with? Something light, like kissing, making out, mutual masturbation, shared hand-jobs? For more information on this, check out my swell tutorial about hand jobs titled: The Art Of The Humble Hand Job.

Perhaps you’re looking to be a bit more adventurous, like cock sucking. That’s great too. But wait! Would you know how to smoke some pole with grace and ease? If not, check out my tutorial: So Ya Wanna Be A World-Class Cocksucker …Or How To Give The Perfect Blow Job. To find this brilliant expose and lots more information about the humble hummer, go to the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar and look for “ORAL.” Then look for Cock Sucking.

Maybe you’re considering butt fucking. That’s a bit advanced for the gay sex novice, but it’s not unheard of. If I were you, I’d return to the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar and check out the heading “ANAL”. There you will be treated to loads of information about being a good top, like my tutorial, Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top. As well as my tutorial for being a good bottom, Liberating The B.O.B Within.

There’s only one thing you absolutely need to know when it comes to ass fuckin, regardless of what position floats your boat. Be sure that whoever is on top uses a condom. And if you don’t know why you need to do that, then darlin’, you’re just not ready for sex with any kind of partner…same sex or otherwise.

Good luck

Name: Tony
Gender: Male
Age: 24
Location:
I’m trying to find out how to get ink marks off my dick without hurting my dickhead.

Whoops! Looks like you need to reevaluate the company you keep when you drink to the point of passing out, my friend.

I realize writin’ shit on a guy’s johnson while he’s unconscious is a hilarious practical joke among the frat-boy crowd. I mean, what could be funnier, right? Of course being on the receiving end of this little prank, like our friend Tony here, is considerably less comical.

i enjoy penisRidding oneself of ink marks, particularly the indelible variety, from one’s privates is a pain — both literally and figuratively. The best one can say about this clean-up chore is that it will probably cure the guy of binge drinking, at least with a bunch of rowdy adolescent-minded companions with Sharpie markers and too much time on their hands.

OK, Tony, here’s what you do. First, apply a liberal coat of baby oil or mineral oil to the effected area. Take your time massaging the oil into your skin. You may discover that this oily massage gives you a woody. That may be the silver lining to your ink-stained cloud. Actually having an erection will help expand the skin of your dickhead and allow the mineral oil to better penetrate the skin. The oil will sink into your skin and help lift the ink stain to the surface.

Follow this part of the treatment with lots of warm soap and water. You should see ink stain lessening.

Next, massage in a liberal mount of rubbing alcohol. Follow this with more warm soap and water.

Continue alternating between mineral oil followed by soap and water and rubbing alcohol followed by soap and water. Always ending the treatment with the soap and water part. A couple applications like this should do the trick. I would, however, recommend that you be as gentle as possible. If the satin persists after two such applications, give your prick a day to rest before attacking the stain again.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Willie Worry & Willie Pride

Name: Matilda
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Location: Puerto Rico
I’m trying to understand something. All the guys I know are so obsessed with their penis. It’s like the whole world revolves around what they have in their pants. This is so different from how women relate to their genitals. I just can’t understand how men and women can be so different. What gives?

I suppose the short answer is that men have external genitals and women have internal genitals. We also have way more cultural permissions to explore their bodies then women do. That pretty much sets the stage for everything else.

jon-hamm's-hamOf course this is a double-edged sword, so to speak. At every stage of life there’s a potential downside to our pal’s perpetual presence. Familiarity can, and often does, breed contempt. The delicate dance we do with our dick can suddenly go out of balance. Admiration can turn to contempt and pride of ownership can morph into pangs of inadequacy. This predicable human tendency gives rise to as much willie worry as willie pride.

That’s why most men are obsessed with their johnson. But how do we get that way, you might wonder? Well your question got me to thinking about how us men folk form this particular relationship with our unit. So I started to jot down some thoughts on us men and our meat.

Nothing quite captures a man’s imagination like his cock. Its size, shape and general appearance is a source of endless wonderment to each of us. Maybe it’s because our buddy is always right there, just hanging around waiting for a little attention. And let’s face it, we are always checkin’ it out, right? We’re forever giving it a little tug, playing a little pocket pool, adjusting it for a bit more comfort. It keeps us company when we are alone and we never leave the house without it. It’s perfectly natural for us to grab hold of our unit several times a day simply to relieve ourselves. And, who among us, while it’s right there in our hand, doesn’t stop for a moment and admire its many attributes.

Our fascination begins at birth. Hey, did you know that we are born sexually aroused? (Women are too, but that’s another story.) That’s right, our infant stiffy is loaded for pleasure from day one.New-baby-boy-weight-11-pounds

Babyhood is spent figuring out the complexities of our body and gaining control over all our moving parts. We kick our legs, flail our arms, and outstretch our hands and fingers to test their capacities and develop muscle coordination. Then, one fateful day, our spasmodic movements suddenly bring our fingers in contact with our little baby penis. In an instant we make a mental note of this startling connection, how this particular touch equals delicious pleasure, and a life-long friendship begins.

Some social scientists suggest that our desire to purposely reconnect with our penis, to repeat the pleasurable sensations that occurred when first we accidentally brushed-up against our cock, is one of the most powerful motivators for further self-discovery and the development of motor skills. “If touching this part gives me this much pleasure, I wonder what else on my body will do the same?” How innocent we once were!

Babyhood gives way to boyhood and our favorite toy leads the way. We spend hours mindlessly fondling ourselves. Simply placing our hand on our dick can calm us when we are anxious as well as gives us a sense of overall wellbeing. Mastering our pee sessions, which takes quite a bit of clever hand/eye/penis coordination, is cause for great joy among the grown-ups. But negative messages are also beginning to seep in; and some are none too subtle. “Leave it alone!” That’s dirty!” “Put some cloths on!” Someone is always trying to get between our buddy and us.

relievingIn time we notice that we’re not alone, other boys and men have a joystick too. Along with our natural curiosity come the inevitable comparisons. “His looks different.” Wow, that’s big.” But almost immediately, we learn that checkin’ out another dude’s package is not just bad, but it’s real bad. Of course this doesn’t make us stop, we just learn how to do it on the sly. The prohibition against looking, coupled with our natural curiosity make for a potent, but dangerous mix.

Puberty arrives with all kinds of surprises, not least of which is the discovery that Mr. Wonderful suddenly has a mind of his own. His unruly behavior is often an embarrassment: stirring to life and tenting in our pants at the most awkward moments. At the same time, we also discover new and exquisite pleasures. Our gun is now loaded. The incessant build up of sexual tension throws us into a frenzy of masturbation. We begin to beat our meat like it owes us money. We spurt and spew with wild abandon. Well, until we’re busted by the grown ups, that is. In short order waves of repression from everywhere begin layer on guilt and shame. What was once such a natural a part of life has now become this great big conflict.

Our hormones rage and the dictates of biology press upon us with a counter force to the repression. Navigating this minefield is a huge challenge, especially when we haven’t a clue what’s happening to us or how to control it. Sex information is sparse when there’s any at all. And most of what we hear is woefully unreliable. The information we get comes mostly from older boys, who are more knowledgeable than us. They hint at pleasures and intimacies we’ve yet to discover. They boast of their conquests, of bustin’ a nut, of big schlongs and wet pussies. The message becomes clear; the bigger your buddy the happier and more successful you’ll be at baggin’ the chicks.morning-wood

Adulthood is a mixed bag for our dick and us. Being a grownup has its privileges. There are fewer people around to dictate our behaviors, but there is also loads of worry and stress. And we soon discover that our cock is the first to suffer. Pressures to mate, to make money, and compete with rival males for status, power and position take their toll. The privileges of being an adult — fast living, late hours, a poor diet, alcohol and drug consumption soon lead to, burn out, sleep deprivation, weight gain, medical problems and a host of prescription medications.erection comics

Our old buddy is in rebellion. Maybe he’s retaliating for the pressures we’ve placed on him, or the fact that we pay him less and less attention till we call him up for active duty. And then we expect him to perform like he did when we were lads. Fickle and stubborn as always, Mr Wonderful refuses to comply.

Our golden years are marked by more time for ourselves, but there’s also less autonomy. Our body doesn’t respond as it once did, or even like it did a few years earlier. While the pressures of life diminish, and a kind of peace settles in, medical problems proliferate. Happily, our hormones no longer rule us. But despite the quieting of our passions there is always desire.

All our life we’ve equated performance and stamina with virility and potency, but now our once vibrant buddy seems downcast, listless and decidedly unresponsive.

And that’s why us men have such an obsession with our cock, Matilda. It’s virtually impossible not to.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

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