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The Prostate Toy Interview

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Hey sex fans,

This being Friday and all, you’re probably expecting a product review. Well sorry to disappoint, but the entire Dr Dick Review Crew is still working their naughty bits to the bone, so to speak, so we’ll have to wait on posting new reviews till another day.

But not to worry, because I have something else that’s charming and delightful for you. Keeping with the sex toy theme I offer you this interview I did with a leading toy company. I figure if the toy company was interested in my thoughts, perhaps you, my dear readers, would be too.

1. Hey Dr Dick, you look like a rather wholesome gentleman, what prompted you to become a Sexologist?

Wholesome? Looks are so deceiving, aren’t they?

I came to this work in a most unorthodox fashion. It is certainly not something I ever aspired to do.

I was a Catholic priest at the time. I was ordained in 1975. (I am the only Catholic priest in the world with a doctorate in Clinical Sexology.) In 1981 I completed my post-graduate work with the publication of my doctoral thesis concerning the sexual attitudes and behaviors of gay Catholic priests in the active ministry. This was unprecedented research back then (and even now, for that matter). There was a firestorm of international publicity. I was soon to be known as “The Gay Priest”. (Yeah, like if I was the only one.) Needless to say, this notoriety (some say infamy) effectively ended my public priesthood. I fought the Vatican for the next 15 years, from 1981-1996, in an attempt to salvage my ministry, but in the end it was a lost cause. No surprise there, I suppose.

My career as a therapist in San Francisco coincided with the advent of HIV/AIDS (1981). My practice evolved into working primarily with sick, elder and dying people. In the mid-90’s I founded a nonprofit organization, PARADIGM, Enhancing Life Near Death. It was an outreach for terminally ill, chronically ill, elder and dying people. This was brilliant cutting-edge work. Alas, I couldn’t find the proper funding to continue. This precipitated a rather sudden move to Seattle in 1999.

I continued to work with sick and dying people here, in Seattle. I started to develop programming for women newly diagnosed with ovarian cancer and men with prostate cancer. I wanted to create videos for people experiencing life threatening and/or disfiguring illnesses to help them deal with reintegrating sex and intimacy into their lives post diagnosis. I soon realized that I would need to fund these projects on my own. No mainline foundation would touch the issue of sex. Faced with how I might do that, some friends prevailed on me to shoot porn. The rational was; I would make loads of money and I could then subsidize my heart’s desire. Thus Daddy Oohhh! Productions was born.

Unfortunately, the “load of money” part never materialized. But at the time, I figured that, since I was actually shooting porn, I would create projects that were different in style and tone from what currently ruled the marketplace. The Daddy Oohhh line features a whole lot more romance, allure and seduction rather than just bumping parts.

2. What are the most common issues you come across during your workshops and counseling?

I continue to be surprised by how few people actually believe there is an essential goodness to sexuality, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond.

I see so much unhappiness and anxiety when a person’s sex-negative attitudes alienate them from their own body and the bodies of others. These uninformed attitudes affect not only a person’s sex life, but also his/her ability to relate well with others.

I believe that sexual wellbeing is more than simply being able to perform. It also means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of one’s personality and involvement with others. Between the extremes of total sexual repression and relentless sexual pursuit, a person can find that unique place, where he/she is free to live a life of self-respect, enjoyment and love.

My workshops and counseling practice aim is to provide information and guidance to help people approach their unique sexuality in a realistic and responsible manner, as well as further their independent growth, personal integrity, and have a more joyful experience of living.

3. Everyone seems to be aware of the female G-spot. However, the male equivalent, the P-spot, is shrouded in mystery and taboo. Would you mind explaining what that’s all about?

You’ll excuse me for being contrary, but it is my personal crusade to dissuade people from using the term “male G-Spot”.

Frankly, I don’t see a rationale for talking about the prostate as if it were something akin to the female G-spot. Because that’s like saying a clit is a female penis. And to tell you the truth; I even have difficulty with the overly cutesy term, “P-Spot”.

The G-spot got its moniker because folks couldn’t remember its proper name, the Grafenberg Spot. (It was named after the physician who first wrote about it.) But we don’t need that kind of shorthand for the word prostate, do we? I certainly hope not.

If the prostate is indeed shrouded in mystery and taboo, as you suggest, it’s likely because it’s buried inside a guy’s ass. And our culture is pretty ass-phobic.

Luckily, I see all of this changing. More and more men are discovering a pleasure zone they’ve not known before. And thanks to the growing number prostate-related sex toys in the marketplace this self-discovery can be fun as well as informative.

4. What can men do to enjoy this little gland?

• First, cut and file smooth your fingernails. And before you start playing with your hole, relax.
• Take a relaxing shower, a warm bath, and/or try some deep breathing exercises to help you do that.
• Have a ready supply of a water-based or silicone-based lube handy.
• Start with a nice hand job. Stroke your dick with your lubed hand to get yourself into your happy place.
• Gradually slather some of that lube on to your balls and taint (perineum). While your legs are open find your hole and play with your rosebud. Gently massage the area around your asshole, but don’t side your finger in just yet. Simply let this time be for getting used to the feelings of playing at the opening of your ass.
• Next, let your play include the tip of your middle finger entering your ass.
• If you do this while you’re stroking your cock, you will find that your hole will actually open and invite your finger. That’s the great thing about pleasuring one part of your body while learning to pleasure another.
• Once you’re comfortable with your fingertip inside, try pushing it in further and move it around a little. Then try pushing it and pulling it out of your ass. Ya know, like finger-fucking yourself.
• Once your finger is about an inch or so inside your ass, move your finger in an upward motion along the upper wall of your rectum. You’ll discover a firm, round and flat surface the size of a walnut. This is your prostate. You can only feel this small part of the whole gland, but you will know it when you touch it. It is full of delicious nerve endings and it will give you jolt of pleasure.
• Remember, your prostate shouldn’t be hard to find, particularly if you’re all horned up from pullin’ your pud. It will feel smooth and hard, like a flat stone.
• Give that puppy a nice gentle massage with your fingertip. If you’re still stroking your cock, don’t be surprised if this prostate massage gets you off. In fact, you will find that your prostate actually enlarges a bit and becomes firmer just as you are about to shoot your load.
• As you cum you will also notice that your ass-sphincter muscle will tighten around your finger and pulsate with each squirt. How fun is that?

5. If you enjoy prostate stimulation, does that make you gay?

It certainly would if only gay men had prostates.

6. Is there a difference between a prostate orgasm and a penile orgasm?

Technically, I suppose there is.

Clearly some men do get off on prostate stimulation alone. However, an orgasm (not the same thing as an ejaculation, mind you) is a complex physiological — muscular and neurological — response. Just like our genitals are a composite of parts that work together to bring us joy; so too are our orgasms.

Finding and massaging your prostate is a wonderful thing. But there’s one thing for certain; your prostate has been involved in your orgasmic response from the very beginning, long before you discovered it.

7. Are there any health benefits to prostate stimulation?

Yeah, you betcha! It’s fun, it’s healthful and it’s sexually enriching.

Massaging your prostate stimulates blood flow and that brings more oxygen to your prostate. Unwanted bacteria that grow in your prostate can be removed more efficiently through massage. Fat and proteins can also accumulate over time, which can cause infection or even lead to tumor growth if not flushed from time to time. Massaging your prostate can assist with this.

Studies show that a prostate massage is an effective means of keeping your prostate healthy without the use of pharmaceuticals or resorting to surgery. And of course it also helps a guy become less cock-centric and less ass-phobic. So it’s a win/win situation.

8. Are there any dangers?

Not really. Just remember to use lots of lube, because your asshole doesn’t create its own lubrication. Always start off slowly. And don’t put anything in your bum that isn’t designed for that purpose. All anal toys — massagers, vibrators, butt plugs, anal beads, dildos and the like — must have a handle on them and/or an oversized base that will prevent the toy from accidentally slipping up into your ass.

9. Finally, do you have any wise words for our prostate loving readers?

Once you’ve discovered the joys of prostate stimulation on your own, why not invite your partner(s) to join in the fun. And always use quality toys. Choose nonporous, phthalates-free, hypoallergenic and latex-free materials. Waterproof toys are also highly recommended. Because keeping your toys clean and sanitized is a real big part of enjoying your or someone else’s prostate.

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Made To Order

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Hey sex fans,

We feature a brand new toy company in today’s edition of Product Review Friday. Join me in welcoming Made To Pleasure, a brilliant boutique manufacturing house located in London. . We are delighted to have this truly unique company join us in our mission of bringing you news of innovation in the adult product marketplace. You will be hearing a lot more about Made To Pleasure in the coming weeks, because they sent us three different toys for review.

Today Dr Dick Review Crew members, Kevin & Gina are on hand to tell us about the first for these toys.

The Pearl —— £95.00

Gina & Kevin
Gina: “After the recent epic fail of one of our favorite vibes, (you can read about that HERE).  Kevin and I were so happy to turn our attention to a pleasure product that is stunningly elegant in its simplicity. We are elated to share with you the Pearl just one of the beautiful designs from the up and coming boutique toy company, Made To Pleasure.”
Kevin: “So true! The Made To Pleasure company got my attention immediately for the clever play on words that is their company name. But it also describes them to a tee. You see, you can actually design your own toy (made to order) or choose from the classic designs already created. You simply can’t get more accommodating than that.”
Gina: “I love the idea that anyone of us could design a unique toy for ourselves by simply using the design template on their site. I had fun just playing around with their design tool. Mmm, ‘design tool’, that sounds dirty!”
Kevin: “The Pearl also introduces us to a completely new material — acrylic (aka Lucite). We’ve not seen anything like this before. At first glance, one would guess the crystal-clear Pearl is glass. But it’s not. It shares a lot of the same properties as a quality glass pleasure product, but acrylic is lighter. And for the truly decadent among us, you can order a 99.9% pure gold and silver-plated design.”
Gina: “Yeah, wouldn’t that be spectacular! The Pearl comes in a stylish embossed black matte gift box. Inside the box you’ll find the Pearl wrapped, yet again, in black crêpe paper lying on a swath of black felt. It is tied in place with a satin ribbon. The presentation is dramatically chic; yet all of the packaging components are biodegradable. Very Nice; very smart!”
Kevin: “The Pearl also comes with a bullet vibe and three watch-sized batteries. You can use it apart from the Pearl, as a stand-alone clit vibe. Or you could attach it to the Pearl to make the whole dildo vibrate. We tried both methods. We attached the vibe to the Pearl using one of my silicone cockrings, although I suppose you could use a rubber band just as well!”
Gina: “Frankly, I found the bullet was a nuisance, both as a stand-alone vibe or attached to the dildo. There’s no need to gild this lily. I preferred to use the Pearl by its beautiful self. The gradually increasing (or decreasing) ridges provided me with all the sensations I needed. I say increasing or decreasing, because the Pearl is a double-header. You can use either end. And add to this the delightful feature that the Pearl can be chilled and warmed for added sensations; well I was in heaven. Oh, and you can use any sort of lube you’d like on this beauty.”
Kevin: “I’ve used the Pearl on myself too. So I have a bone to pick with the company’s mission statement. They write ’Made To Pleasure’s raison d’etre is simple – to bring the ultimate pleasure to women through toys that are beautiful to look at, and a pleasure to use.’ Really? Your toys are just for women? What are we, all the men out here, chopped liver? I mean, come on; why be so exclusive? Men have been using dildos for just as long as women have.”
Gina: “Yeah, why the exclucivity? I think it’s great that you are appealing primarily to women. Your site is lovely and sensual, but I agree with Kevin. In this day and age, do we really have to discriminate?”
Kevin: “After all the Pearl is made to be shared. Because it’s acrylic, it’s nonporous, phthalates-free, hypoallergenic and latex-free. There are no seams; it’s totally waterproof so it’s easily cleaned. Mild soap and warm water does just fine for everyday cleaning. You can also wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution as I see fit.”
Gina: “However, unlike glass, you can’t toss the Pearl in the dishwasher or boil it. So be aware of that. But with proper care, it will last a lifetime.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

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Catalyst

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Hey sex fans,

We got a handful more than a handful of interesting toys to tell you about today, so let’s get at it.

Our first product comes to us from a manufacturer new to our product review effort. We welcome Xmybox.  Don’t ya just love that name?

Here’s Dr Dick Review Crew member, Christa with the lowdown.

Dew Drop —— $59.95

Christa
Happy New Year, fellow perverts! I’m beginning my 3rd year with the Dr Dick Review Crew, if you can believe that. I remember back in November 2008 when I got my first assignment, I was like blown away with all the free stuff. Then I realized that I was being offered all the products that no one else wanted to review. I imagined Dr Dick saying; “lets give this to that freak Christa, she’ll love it!”

Hey, I don’t mind, I am a freak and proud of it. Besides, I think us freaks have a shit-load more fun then the rest of you. But I digress.

Now that I’m a long-term reviewer, I’m getting more mainstream stuff to review. That’s fine by me too. Take today’s product, for example. There’s nothing freaky or even kinky about the Dew Drop. It’s basically a vibrating egg made of hard plastic. There are a few interesting features beyond the obvious, like it has it’s own handle. They call a “dropper”, that kind of attaches to the egg, by way of a clear plastic cord. This makes the insertion of the vibrating egg into a pussy (mine or yours) pretty easy. A nice personal lube is required; at least it is for me. And since the Dew Drop is hard plastic, you can use whatever kind of lube you want. I used a silicone-based lube.

Once the egg is deposited in said pussy (mine or yours) you remove the “dropper” leaving the clear plastic cord. It’s exactly like a tampon, only completely different.

And get this; the vibrating egg is operated by a remote control, which is very, very cool. Those tiny watch batteries operate both the egg and the controller and they are included in the package, thank you very much!

The vibration is not going to knock your socks off, but there are 6 vibration patterns and 8 speeds. The controller is easy to handle and operate and is effective from up to 10 yards away.

Of course, once my sub, butt-boy BF, Alex saw the Dew Drop he wanted to try it in his ass. He’s this total ass whore, ya know. But I refused. Not that I don’t think his hungry hole couldn’t accommodate the modestly sized egg, on the contrary. It’s that I didn’t trust the clear plastic cord or its connection to the egg to withstand pulling the egg out of his ass. This is regrettable! Because I would have had a load of fun remotely operating the vibration while it was lodged in his ass and we were at the Homo Depot! Maybe the Xmybox folks could work on a model that didn’t have such a flimsy connection.
Full Review HERE!

Now a couple of swell toys from our favorite retailer — Adult Sex Toys .com.

Nexus O —— $73.92

Kevin
I’m starting off the new year with an excellent toy. Allow me to introduce you to the brilliant O from Nexus.

But before I get to the review I have a bone to pick. The package says that the O a male G-spot massager. I have a big problem with that. I assume the Nexus people are trying to educate the public about the male prostate, or P-spot, but likening it to a G-spot, I think, only muddies the waters. To tell you the truth, I don’t much like the term P-spot either. It’s so adolescent.

Listen folks, men have prostates. Your prostate is a highly erogenous zone, if you’ve discovered yours or not. Stimulating your prostate is not only intensely pleasurable, but it’s also beneficial in terms of prostate health. So if a company like Nexus wants to educate the public about this, I suggest that they quit beating around the bush and call a spade a spade. That’s what I’m going to do.

The Nexus O is an extraordinary prostate massager. It has an amazingly simple design, but it delivers a surprising amount of stimulation. Its velvety feel comes from it being fashioned from 100% high-grade silicone. It has three pleasure points (balls) that arouse the two major pleasure points on a guys anatomy; the prostate and the taint (perineum), and area just behind your nuts. And the unique O design keeps the massage in place.

Having the Nexus O stay in place is essential to its effectiveness, because this is supposed to be a hands-free pleasure device. You can wear it while you’re beatin off, while you’re goin down on your partner, or while you’re fuckin you’re partner. It’s that brilliant.

Regular prostate massage considerably increases my ejaculate. I also find that, if I wear the Nexus O for at least a half hour before Gina and I play together, my erection is stronger and lasts longer. I’m not sure why this is, it I can vouch for the effect.

There are no batteries to worry about; in fact, it’s not actually a vibrator. It’s a massager that works its magic while I sit on it, rock back and forth or just walk around. I can clench my sphincter muscles while I have the Nexus O wedged in my ass, I can also work on my kegels. These are indispensable exercises for any guy who is into his ass. The Nexus O is decidedly low-tech, but it works. Instructions for use are on the inside panel of the package insert.
Full Review HERE!

As you will see, Denise takes me to task for an unintended oversight.

Alumina Pace —— $59.71

Denise
I had to have a little talk with Dr Dick a while back. I noticed that all the cool anal toys, like butt plugs, were being reviewed by only the guys in the Review Crew. “What’s up with that,” I asked. “A lot of us ladies like ass play too.” In his defense, Dr Dick said that he’s an equal opportunity ass-pleaser. And if I wanted to pleasure myself where the sun don’t shine, he had just the thing for me.

As luck would have it, my challenge to the boys only rule, which wasn’t really a rule, came at them most opportune time. It scored me this stunning 100% aeronautic grade aluminum plug, the Alumina Pace, by Tantus.

Tantus is famous for their beautiful silicone toys. We’ve reviewed several of them already. And as much as I love silicone, this aluminum plug is everything I could want.

The Alumina Pace is both stylish and functional. It is not a particularly big insertable; it’s about five inches long and the diameter is 1 1/4″ at its widest point. And it’s actually a doubleheader. You can insert either end!

The aeronautic grade aluminum is, of course, phthalate-free and non-porous. The Alumina Pace can be sterilized, which is important if you wish to share it with someone else. Soap and water is all you need for general cleanup, but you can also toss it in the dishwasher, boil it, or wipe it down with a 10% bleach or peroxide solution. It’s that easy.

The heft of the aluminum is also a plus. This distinguishes this plug from say a silicone plug. The extra weight is really nice. The teardrop shape of the one head and the bulbous shape to the other head both make for easy insertion and comfortable wearing. But both ends provide distinctive sensations.

The Alumina Pace can be both warmed and chilled for added sensations. If you’ve never had an insertable that you can enjoy in this fashion, I highly recommend you give it a try.
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

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Livin’ It Up, Oh Yeah!

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Hey sex fans,

We begin our 4th year of product reviews this first week of 2011. Its astonishing that what began as a lark back in May of 2007 is now full-blown effort that involves more than a dozen dedicated reviewers, my friends and colleagues of The Dr Dick Review Crew.

We begin the new year on a very positive note. Today, Jada tells you about her first LELO product.  This attractive vibe is part of their new Insignia line.

SORAYA —— $199.00
Jada
I must be among the last Review Crew members to hook up with a LELO product. I think we’ve reviewed nine or ten of their products so far, but I knew my turn would come soon enough.

As luck would have it, I am the first of the Dr Dick Review Crew to handle one of the new waterproof line of vibes from LELO called Insignia. As I read through some of the earlier LELO reviews written by my colleagues I notice one recurring regret; the vibes they were reviewing were not waterproof. Each reviewer painstakingly pointed out that the earlier incarnations of LELO products, while being remarkable in many ways, were hampered by a recharge port that made the unit difficult to thoroughly clean because it wasn’t submersible. Getting water, or worse lube, in the port rendered the expensive vibe inoperable.

To LELO’s great credit they’ve solved that problem with the Insignia line.

But let me start at the beginning. The SORAYA comes in the signature LELO packaging. It’s elegant and sophisticated, although I know some have problem with the excess. However, I don’t share those reservations. Everything from the glossy black outer carton to the matte black storage box is chic. The pink and golden dual action SORAYA is nestled in felt covered foam inlay. As far as I can tell the entire package is recyclable. But of course you wouldn’t want to toss the box, because it stores the SORAYA so perfectly.

If one were to judge the size of the SORAYA by the size of the box, which is over a foot long, one would have a very large vibe indeed. But looks are deceiving. The SORAYA itself is only about 8.5” from stem to stern. The insertable girth is pretty modest too, just over one inch at its widest. The clitoral stimulator stem is about 2.5” long.

While I guess I’d categorize the SORAYA as a rabbit vibe; in terms of design, it is miles above its unattractive cousins. Again, elegant and chic are the words that most readily pop to mind.

The SORAYA is remarkably light weight. Here another instance where looks are deceiving. I had convinced myself that the golden center of the vibe was metal, but it’s not. It is a metallic-coated ABS (plastic). And the velvety pink outer surface is 100% high-grade silicone.

The stylish hole in the base of the SORAYA is another very thoughtful design element. I can insert my forefinger in the hole and easily manipulate the three-button controller with my thumb. I’m going to guess that women were behind this design.
Full Review HERE

ENJOY!

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Sex Addiction, or Too Much of a Good Thing?

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This last post of 2010 will start with a declaration. One of my famous “Thus Sayeth Dr. Dick” sorta things, if you please.

Ready?

I categorically reject the concept of sexual addiction that has been floating around in the popular culture for the last 20 years or so.

And yes, I know this will rankle a bunch of you, but you’ll just have to get over it. You see, there is no such thing as a sexual addiction. Period!

Nowadays people bandy about the term addiction as if it can be applied to any and all obsessive behaviors. I have an addiction to chocolate; I’m addicted to shopping; I’m addicted to video games; I’m addicted to porn—or, I’m a sex addict. NONSENSE!

That being said, I hasten to add that I do believe there are sexual obsessions and compulsive sexual behaviors, plenty of ’em in fact. However, obsessions and compulsions are not addictions, and addictions, while they may involve irresistible impulses, are not the same thing as compulsions. Get it? Got it? Good!

I want to be absolutely clear about this. An addiction is a very specific condition. It denotes a dual dependency, physical as well as a psychological.

  • A physical dependency occurs when a substance is habitually used to a point where the body becomes reliant on its effects. The substance must be used constantly, because if it is withheld, it will trigger symptoms of withdrawal.
  • Psychological dependency occurs when the substance habitually used creates an emotional reliance on its effects. There is no functioning without it. Its absence produces intense cravings, which if not fed will trigger symptoms of withdrawal.

Check it out. With the help of my handy-dandy dictionary, a good place to start in discussions of this sort, I discovered these three very distinct definitions:

Addiction: The need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. Broadly: persistent use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. A state of physiological and psychological dependence on a drug.

Compulsive: Driven by an irresistible inner force to do something; i.e., a compulsive liar.

Obsession: A persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.

See? Different words. Different meanings. Not a particularly complex notion to grasp, right?

And listen, just because a bunch of yahoo afternoon talks show hosts and even a load of my esteemed professional colleagues banter these words about like they were interchangeable doesn’t make it so. In fact, we do ourselves a huge disservice by muddling these very specific concepts into a jumble. My fellow therapists should be the first to recognize this because finding help for an addiction or an intervention for an obsessive/compulsive disorder will be as specific as the problem itself.

One thing is for certain: identifying one of the things, as the other will complicate the problem solving. It’s like going to the doctor with a headache, and when the doc asks where does it hurt, you point to your stomach. It just won’t do.

Hi Dr. Dick,
I recently found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. He wants me to forgive him, but he keeps on doing the same thing over and over again. He’s like addicted to sex or something. I love him very much, but I feel dirty just by being around him and knowing what he’s doing. It also makes me feel stupid putting up with all of this and at the same time I still love him, please give me some advice. Thank You.
— Darlene

Before we turn our attention to your boyfriend’s behavior, let me make a quick observation about you. You’re a big fat ball of contradictions, huh? How can you say that you love the person that makes you feel dirty and stupid? You’re deceiving yourself about at least one of those feelings. And if I had to guess, I’d say what you’ve got with your man ain’t love—it’s an obsession.

Your boyfriend probably has you figured out by now, and he knows that you will tolerate his misbehavior, which gives him tacit permission to do whatever he feels like doing. From where I sit, you’re the real sap. If you’re really serious about reining in your wayward BF, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate. Until you do precisely that, he’ll just think that he can roam wherever he wants and whenever he wants.

If the two of you are supposed to be living in a sexually exclusive relationship, and he’s taking his business elsewhere, then he’s got a problem, too. However, I caution you against thinking that his sexual behaviors are an addiction. Because they’re not.  And thinking they are will not help you find the solution to the problems you folks are having.

There are root causes for his behavior, just like there are root causes for your behavior. To get to the bottom of all of this, each of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy with a qualified therapist. One can only hope that there’s a big enough bank of goodwill between the two of you to carry the day because overcoming your obsession and his compulsions will demand all of your emotional resources.

Dear Dr. Dick,
I have been in a relationship for five years now and truly love my partner, however I can never seem to get enough sex. I am 30 and he is 29, but I constantly find myself in the chat rooms lookin’ for younger guys to have sex with. It’s more than just a hobby—it’s a habit! I’ve actually lost jobs because he’d be out of town and I’d spend almost every waking hour on the PC with a cocktail looking for sex, not caring about anything else. It’s like I’m addicted to sex. He knows I have played around (I actually have talked him into three-ways a few times), but he has no idea how extreme it’s become. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not unhappy with him. I just can’t seem to stop wanting sex with younger guys. Any suggestions?
— Brian

It’s interesting that you should tell me about your compulsive sexual behavior in the same breath that you tell me of your love for your partner. As you’ve probably guessed already, there isn’t really much of a connection between the two. Love and sex are two very different things. Sometimes they go together, but not always or even often for that matter.

It appears to me that you’ve really got two problems happening simultaneously: First, your compulsive prowling of the internet for sex (complicated, I might add, by your alcohol consumption). Second, the deception you’re practicing on your partner. Let’s deal with each of these in turn.

Your particular sexual activity, like any compulsive behavior (overeating, excessive shopping, etc.), is more than just a bad habit. It’s a serious psychological dysfunction. Take it from me: breaking this behavior pattern will be nearly impossible without some professional help. If the problem is as serious as you say, then you’d better seek help right away. This sort of thing, if left untreated, will not only destroy your relationship, it will ruin your life. When you seek that professional help, I encourage you to include information about your alcohol consumption. If there is an addiction in all of this, it’s the alcohol, not the sex. And in your case, the addiction may be fueling the compulsion.

Now, regarding your relationship. It’s imperative that you come clean with your partner about your sexual obsessions and compulsions, as well as your probable alcohol addiction. Not only will you feel better about not lying to him anymore, you’re going to need his support in overcoming the difficult obstacles you face. I suggest that you attend to this right away. There’s not a moment to lose.

Good Luck

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