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Tricks Of The Trade – Part 2

Today I continue the series I started on Monday.  You will remember from Monday that a friend of mine, who is writing a book about male sexuality for women, asked me if I could be her go-to-guy for a bunch of questions she had about pleasuring a man which she wants to include in her book. I think it is only fair that you, my loyal audience, should get this information before anyone else does.

PORN SECRETS

What are some porn industry secrets to keeping men harder longer while shooting a film? I assume they use editing tricks (like repeating the same shots over and over), Viagra (or other ED drugs). Do they still use fluffers? What else?

Yes, editing, lots and lots of editing!

But nowadays, it’s “better living though chemistry!” No, fluffers are no longer necessary. Pity!

Loads of guys use CAVERJECT.  This will give a guy 8 hours of wood, regardless what he is doing. He could watch his mother get hit by a train and he would still have a boner. As you can imagine, this has nothing to do with being aroused, it’s simply a matter of circulatory mechanics. It’s just one more thing that’s faked in the industry.

For the rest of us mere mortals, I always suggest the use of a cockring. Be sure to check out my tutorial: Cockring Crash Course HERE!

SEX GUILT

I will be discussing sex guilt and its repercussions. As a former Catholic priest, we’re sure you’ve dealt with your fair share of sex guilt either in yourself, your penitents, or your current sex therapy clients.

Yep, in all three!guilt-and-shame

What are some reasons behind sex guilt?

The truth is, there is very little sex related guilt without the accompanying shame. In my opinion, the shame comes first. Someone or some institution instills the sense of shame for the behavior; the individual experiences guilt when he/she engages in the shamed behavior. And, mind you, this stigmatized behavior could be anything from masturbation or eating pork.

How does sex guilt manifest itself?

In many different ways. It’s such a personal experience. For most people guilt reinforces and internalizes the shame that was engendered by someone or some institution outside of the person. (See my comment above.) A common response to sex guilt is hiding, suppressing thoughts and feelings, denying thoughts and feelings, avoiding triggers, or just shutting down. Others punish themselves, which can engender a vicious cycle self-hatred.

However, the most pernicious form of guilt actually reinforces the behavior. Here’s how that works. I do something I’m ashamed of; I feel a deep sense of guilt; then I punish myself for my transgression. This in turn makes the behavior all that more seductively attractive to me, which makes me do the behavior again, all so that I can punish myself again. And, as you can see, the punishment, not the pleasure, becomes the reward. It’s all really very insidious.

How can one overcome their guilt about sex acts?

One starts by unraveling the system that instilled the shame in the first place. One goes back to the source of the shame — church, parents, etc. He/she tries to understand the reason why the shaming was done — protect the sanctity of the body, a means of controlling human urges, etc. Then one demythologizes the shaming. Without shame there’s little to no guilt.

Have you heard these statements and how would you respond to someone who is dealing with these specific issues:
1. A women who go down on a guy is a whore.

I would help the individual see that statements like this are made by people who don’t believe that women should enjoy sex; they shouldn’t be active participants. Sex is for procreation, not pleasure. There’s only one way to have sex—particularly for women—they should be unengaged and passive receptacles, nothing more.cordially invited

2. Men who go down on women are unmanly.

I would help the individual see that this kind of statement is made by people who are trapped in a perverse sex-role stereotype. I mean, who gets to determine what is manly and what isn’t? The one who makes this determination wins the debate, right? Each individual ought to get to decide what is manly, womanly. There is no artificial norm.

3. Anal sex (between straight people) is wrong/dirty/gay.

I would help the individual try to take apart that statement. Wrong? Does that mean there’s a right way? Who gets to determine that? Dirty? Are some parts of the body more wholesome than others? Whose prejudices are at work here? Gay? Why must we demonize this particular class of people? Where do the phobic reactions to same sex behaviors come from? Are they legitimate things to be feared, or are they culturally induced? If they are culturally induced, what was the original motivation? See my response to your question: How can one overcome their guilt about sex acts?

4. The lady/whore complex that straight men may entertain.

Someone set up this dichotomy long before any particular modern straight man bought into it. Who set it up? And why did they set it up? At who’s expense? Who’s sexuality do they fear? Does preserving the male privilege have anything to do with it?

5. Pornography is evil/degrading/terrifying/wrong.

Again, why evil? That’s a throwback to an outmoded cosmology, right? And even if someone decided there is dirty magazinessuch a thing as evil, who gets to decide what evil is? What was evil 100 years ago, or in a different culture, may not be considered evil today, or in another culture. This suggests to me that “evil” is not a universal, but culturally determined. Again, who gets to determine that? And whose prejudices are at work when the determinations are being made? Degrading? Sure, porn can be degrading, but so can working at Walmart! If it is consensual and free of coercion, can it be degrading? And if porn is degrading why is it that we are not as concerned about all the other things that degrade human kind? Terrifying? I think comb-overs are terrifying. Wrong? (See evil above.)

ANAL SEX

Some people argue that the anus can suffer damage and begin to leak with too much anal penetration. Is there any biological basis behind this? Or is it just another “myth”?

Sure, one can injure him/herself with irresponsible penetrations of any orifice. But what is “too much” penetration, anyhow?

Any butt pirate, from the rank amateur to the power bottom, knows the importance of keeping their pelvic musculature in tiptop, no pun intended, shape. This is where Kegel exercises come in handy. Strong and toned PC muscles (pubococcygeus muscle) will allow you to enjoy ass fucking for a lifetime without the heartbreak of springing a leak.

PART 1 of this series HERE!   PART 3 of this series HERE!

Add Some Buzz To Your Fuzz

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday! And this week we feature yet another innovative product from the creative folks at Perfect Fit Brand.  And when PFB sends us products to review we know we’re in for something special.  As you all probably know the Perfect Fit Brand is responsible for The Best Product or Toy for Men for both 2012 and 2013.

To keep track of all our PFB reviews use the search function in the header of DrDickSexToyReviews.com, type in Perfect Fit Brand, and Voilà!

Dr Dick Review Crew members, Kevin & Gina are back with us after a long hiatus, so they’ll do the honors today.

Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator —— $54.57

Kevin & Gina
Gina: “We’re back! Did you miss us? We sure as hell missed you.”
Kevin: “We’ve been really busy since our last posting back in July of last year. I took a new job, Gina was doing some teaching, and the biggest news, we got hitched. That’s right, I finally made an honest woman of the lass.”
Gina: “I didn’t really care if I was ‘honest’ or not, but my mom sure did. She and my dad are super-Catholics and they were in torment these last few years knowing their only daughter was living in sin. OMG, if they only knew. Anyhow, some friends of ours, a gay couple, mind you, decided to get married and asked Kevin and I stand up with them. My first maid of honor gig and there wasn’t even a bride.”Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator black
Kevin: “I figured if Tad and Colin could take the plunge, so could I. Right after their wedding I got down on my knee and proposed to Gina.”
Gina: “Totally romantic, and in front of all our friends too! I couldn’t say no. Well, I guess I could have said no, but I didn’t want to. Kevin’s my man! He’s a pervert, but he’s my pervert. Three months later, Kevin and I walked down the aisle of the church I was baptized in. The priest waved his hand over us and we promised never to part.”
Kevin: “But just to let everyone know we weren’t mainlining the whole religion thing, Tad was my best man and Colin was Gina’s ‘maid of honor.’ Gina’s parents were scandalized and the priest was all weirded out, but it was our fuckin’ wedding and if we had to do it in a church, then we’d do it our way.”
Gina: “That was more information than I expected to share, but there ya have it. Now, on to our review. Here’s the Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator.”
Kevin: “Or as we like to call it, my super-duper vibrating cockring. Ya all know what a cockring is and does, right? If not, check out Dr Dick’s Cockring Crash CourseOrbit is from Perfect Fit Brand. Another one of their cockrings, Armour Up, was among last year’s Best Products of the Year. In fact, Orbit is the Armour Up ring on steroids.” Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator
Gina: “That’s right! The creative minds over at Perfect Fit Brand have proven that not only do they create brilliant products for men, but they know how to please a woman too. Orbit, like Kevin just mentioned, has all the features of the Armour Up for him, but it also has a powerful built in bullet vibe for me. The easy to switch on, three-speed vibe is powered by three of those tiny round watch batteries.  And they are included in the package. You can easily remove the bullet from the Orbit to change batteries.”
Kevin: “Yep; my erection is enhanced, I have more intense orgasms with Orbit, and the vibe is so powerful that I can feel it throughout my pelvis. Very fuckin’ cool!”
Gina: “Orbit is made of a proprietary blend of silicone and TPR (a thermoplastic elastomer), which makes it latex-free, nonporous, and phthalate-free. And it is super-stretchy for comfort and durability. It come in both black and clear.  You can use water-based lube or silicone-based lube with it as you please. And it cleans up with with mild soap and water. Nothing could be easier.”
Kevin: “For anyone who is looking for a quick and simple way to spice things up in the bedroom without breaking the bank, Orbit is the product for you. And consider this; once Orbit is in place, around your cock and balls, and turned on, the only thing left to do is have sex. Unlike other vibrators, Orbit leaves your hands free to massage, caress, grope, pinch, spank, or whatever else happens when your hands are free to do the talking.”
Gina: “The Perfect Fit Brand keeps cranking out the winners. I hope, that one of these days, they will turn their attention to creating a product or two just for us gals. But until that time, I’ll be enjoying Orbit right along with Kevin.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

Another review of my book

Another review of my book, this time in marvelous E-zine — Oysters & Chocolate.

Click on the O&C logo above to view the interview.

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Book Review

Thoughtful review of my book on the Men of Color Blog.

Click on the MOC logo to view the interview.

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Dr Dick’s Sex Positive Doctrine

No podcast today; instead there’s this…

Have you ever wondered about the term, sex positive? If you’re like me you see it all over the place, especially on sex-related sites. I confess I use it way more often than I should. It’s become one of those industry buzzwords that has, over time, become so fuzzy around the edges that it’s now virtually meaningless. In fact, if the truth be known, I believe the term sex positive has been taken over by the sex Taliban who have made it a cover for their strict code of political correctness. Oddly enough, this is the very antithesis of its original meaning.

If you want to shame someone in the sex field—be it a sex worker, blogger or adult product manufacturer—you label that person as sex-negative. You may not know anything about that person other than you were offended by something they did, said or made. But still, you hurl the epithet as if you were exorcising a heretic. This is a very powerful tool for keeping people in my industry in line. But I’ve begun to wonder, who is setting themselves up as the arbiter of what is and what is not sex positive? I have to ask: What is the agenda? I mean, could compulsory ideological purity of some artificial standards of thought or behavior be “positive” anything? I say, no!

Like all good ideas that have gone bad due to overuse—or worse, sloppy use—the sex positive concept once had meaning that was life-affirming and enriching. Sex positive has been in the lexicon at least since the mid-1950s. It frequently appears in journals and research papers to describe a movement that examines and advocates for all the other beneficial aspects of sex beyond reproduction.

I’ve been using the term since 1981 when I opened my practice in Clinical Sexology and Sexual Health Care. The opening words of my mission statement read: “I affirm the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond.” Way back then, I was flush with my quixotic pursuit to stand steadfast against all the cultural pressures to negate or denigrate sexuality and pleasure. I dedicated myself to spreading the gospel that healthy attitudes toward sex not only affect a person’s sex life, but his/her ability to relate well with others.

This came relatively easy for me, because I’d learned something very important about evangelization in my life as a Catholic priest. (Another quixotic pursuit, but we’ll have to save the details of that misadventure for another time.) One of the first things one learns in seminary is how to proselytize, to sow the seeds of a creed, and then nurture them taking root by endless repetition of the articles of faith. Of course there is a downside to this, too. Repetition fosters mindlessness, stifles creative thought, and worse makes things boring.

But the creed statements of the world’s three great monotheistic religions are masterful works of theological art.

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha’olam!
Allaahu Akbar!
In the name of the Father, and of the Son and the of the Holy Spirit!

Each contains the most profound kernel of religious truth the believer needs to know, but all are easy enough for a child to learn. And like I said, the secret is in the repetition. For the true devotee, these creedal statements are uttered dozens of times a day and to great effect.

Early on in my career as a sexologist, I decided to put the principles I learned in the Church into disseminating my new belief system. First, keep the message simple! I settled on: “Sex is Good—and Good Sex is Even Better.” This has been my mantra for decades. It contains everything you need to know about being sex positive, but it’s easy enough for a child to learn. Even now, I close each of my podcasts with this same article of faith. To this day it soothes me to hear myself say these words. And it comforts me in the same way blessing myself did in my priestly days.

Despite my apprehensions, I continue to be an apostle of the sex positive doctrine. I know that even though my industry has corrupted the concept, others have yet to hear the good news. And there’s something almost spiritual about seeing someone grasp the idea for the first time. Let me tell you about one such instance. Some while ago I was asked to offer a workshop for a group of doctors on the topic: Health Care Concerns Of Sexually Diverse Populations. Unfortunately, just a handful of doctors attended the workshop—which was pretty disconcerting, considering all the work I’d put into the presentation. I guess that’s why kinksters and pervs, as well as your run-of-the-mill queer folk, are often frustrated in their search for sensitive and lifestyle-attuned healing and helping professionals.

Since the group of doctors attending was so small, I decided to ask them to pull their chairs in a circle so that our time together could be a bit more informal and intimate. Frankly, I’ve never found it easy talking to doctors about sex; and discussing kinky sex was surely going to be very tricky. So, I decided to start off as gently as I could. My opening remarks included the phrases “sex positive” and “kink positive.”

Sitting as close to my audience as I was, I could see at once that these fundamental concepts weren’t registering with them. I was astonished. Here was a group of physicians, each with a large urban practice. Could they really be this out of touch? I quickly checked in with them to see if my perception was correct. I was right! None of them had heard the term, sex positive. The two who hazarded a guess at its meaning thought it had something to do with being HIV+. I had my work cut out for me.

I decided to share my creed with them. “Sex is Good—and Good Sex is Even Better.” I asked them repeat it with me as if I were teaching a catechism to children. Surprisingly, they did so without resistance. After we repeated the mantra a couple more times, I exposed them to the sex positive doctrine unencumbered by political correctness.

  • Sex Is Good! Sex is a positive force in human development; the pursuit of pleasure, including sexual pleasure, is at the very foundation of a harmonious society.
  • And Good Sex Is Even Better! The individual makes that determination. For example, what I decide is good sex for me, may be boring sex to someone else. And their good sex may be hair-raising to me. In other words, consensual sexual expression is a basic human right regardless of the form that expression takes. And it’s not appropriate for me, or anyone else, to call into question someone else’s consensual affectional choices.
  • Sex Is Good! Everyone has a right to clear, unambiguous sexual health information. It must be presented in a nonjudgmental way, particularly from his or her health care providers. And sexual health encompasses a lot more then just disease prevention, and contraception.
  • And Good Sex Is Even Better! The focus is on the affirmative aspects of sexuality, like sexual pleasure. Sexual wellbeing is more than simply being able to perform. It also means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of one’s personality and involvement with others.
  • Sex Is Good! Each person is unique and that must be respected. Our aim as healing and helping professionals is to provide information and guidance that will help the individual approach his/her unique sexuality in a realistic and responsible manner. This will foster his/her independent growth, personal integrity, as well as provide a more joyful experience of living.
  • And Good Sex Is Even Better! Between the extremes of total sexual repression and relentless sexual pursuit, a person can find that unique place, where he/she is free to live a life of self-respect, enjoyment and love.

Finally I told them they ought to think creatively how they could adapt this concept to their own practice. It was up to each of them to make this creed their own. As it turned out, this primer was just the thing to open my planned discussion of health of kinksters.

In a way this experience was a bit of a spiritual reawakening for me, too. Despite my misgivings about the contamination of the sex positive doctrine by malicious people bent on using it as a weapon against those they disagree with. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to watch these sex positive novices hear, and then embrace, the message for the first time. It was nothing short of a religious experience.

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