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Making a Marriage Work; A Primer For Sexual Success

I’m preparing a workshop for recently engaged couples. I expect there will be about a dozen couples attending. While most of the participants will be preparing for their first marriage, there will be at least two couples working on their second marriage. My experience tells me that regardless of how many turns one takes on the merry-go-round anxiety about sexual compatibility, particularly for the long haul, abounds.

One of the best resources out there for those considering a sexually exclusive traditional marriage is Esther Perel’s controversial book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.  Her thesis is that increased emotional intimacy between partners often leads to less sexual passion. I’ve been preaching the same sermon for nearly 30 years. But I assure you; there are ways around this predictable stumbling block.

Here we have Paige, age 22 from Tulsa. OK.

I am engaged to a wonderful guy. I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail. I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work? Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?

First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you’re married. It wasn’t too long ago when that was the norm. But even people who enter marriage as established sex partners aren’t assured success.

I caution you to jettison any Pollyanna notion you might have about marriage being a breeze, or that all you need is love. These are dangerous fictions. Your recently married friends have problems because there are always problems in a marriage. It’s the nature of relationships. Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable, but sure as shootin’ problems will be your constant companions, even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.

You can also be assured that the problems you will encounter, regardless of their nature, will impact on your sex life together. Money concerns, the stresses of a career, kids, in-laws, you name it will all influence how you perceive your spouse. Nothing dampens ardor like financial difficulties or meddlesome relatives.

So Paige, rather than focus on the nature of your sex life as you enter your marriage, may I suggest that you concentrate on the bigger picture. And in order to do that you need to ask; why do most traditional, sexually exclusive marriages flounder? They crumble because they can’t bear up under the strain of the couple’s expectations for each other. Simply stated, they want too much from their spouse. They expect companionship, economic support and family for sure, but they also expect their partner to be their best friend, confidant and passionate lover. That’s a pretty tall order to fill for a single individual. Who wouldn’t have cool feet, or even be frozen in place, faced with those daunting expectations.

A lot of engaged couples overly concern themselves with the sexual viability or their relationship. My sense is that sexual concerns, by themselves, don’t tax a marriage to the point of breaking. You’ll notice that I said, ’sexual concerns, by themselves’. While sex and intimacy issues are indeed real and sometimes overwhelming, it’s the underpinnings of the relationship that bring these sexual issues into stark relief. Let me give you an example.

Say I’ve just spent 60 hours this past week at work; I get snarled in traffic on my commute every single day. I drag my sorry ass home to a loving partner, who may have been looking forward to an amorous night of sex play. But I’m completely fagged out, so to speak. I simply don’t have an interest in the old slap and tickle. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse; I do! I don’t have the energy to even squeeze one off by myself, let alone please and pleasure my partner.

Or say I’ve been caring for a house full of sick, ornery kids all day; and freaking out about our family’s precarious financial situation. I have barely the time and energy to rustle together some grub for the brood, when my loving partner, who may have been looking forward to an amorous night of sex play, arrives back at the homestead with stars in his/her eyes. I’m exhausted; and the idea of a tussle in the sack is the last thing on my mind. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse; on the contrary. I just don’t feel attractive, interesting, or more importantly, randy.

As these examples point out it’s not that the sexual energy has flown the coop. More often than not couples who face the tribulations of life together redirect their energy into resolving more pressing concerns than gearing up for sex. The reason I know this for certain is, if I were to take this stressed out couple away from the humdrum of their day-to-day, and land them on a tropical beach without a care in the world; I know for certain they’d fuck like bunnies.

Another example, say a couple is joined at the hip; you know the ones I’m talking about. Where one or the other partner can hardly take a trip to the loo without their spouse traipsing along. Many couples think this kind of closeness is a sign of their love and fidelity, and it may very well be for them. But I can guarantee this kind of familiarity will also stifle sexual passion. The truth of the matter is erotic fervor is dependent on at least a modicum of mystery. If I know my partner like the back of my hand, I’m less likely to see him/her as a sexual object; in the same sexual way as when we were courting.

This also can be proven. Why is the chick at work, who I have virtually nothing in common with, such a turn on? How is it that my yoga instructor, someone I hardly know and who pays me no attention, make me wet? It’s the mystery or the forbidden that jacks up the sexual tension.

The way I see it is passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. This kind of tension dissipates with time and it takes a great deal of work to keep that tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy; even though they may pay lip service to the notion that they want the passion to continue.

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship; regrettably this also includes sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the path of domestic tranquility. But the result can be the kind of sexual frustration so many married people report.

I’ve been to a lot of wedding; and I’ve officiated at more than I can count. I’ve helped numerous couples construct their vows. Generally the first thing they want to say to each other is something like: “I promise to be your best friend, your confidant; your constant companion. Sound familiar? I thought it might. What I never hear is: “I promise to always be up for all your hot monkey love.” Not only would that vow be a showstopper; it would be an impossible promise to keep, unless you’re a blow-up doll. Frankly, it’s so much easier being a best friend or confident than the sexual siren that will be the answer to all your erotic dreams after we’re married for a few years.

Sexual exclusivity is at the heart of the romantic ideal. That’s why sexual infidelity is such a bugaboo in our culture. But the truth of the matter is, sustaining a model where marriage is the font from which all fulfillment flows is simply unrealistic. Maybe if we expect sexual exclusivity from our spouse, we ought to manage our other expectations of him/her (best friend, confidant, etc.) more pragmatically.

I am of the mind that since more than 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce; we must look at the relationship model we are laboring under. Maybe the romantic ideal is simply an illusion. I mean we can’t honestly try to explain away the divorce rate by saying all these couples simply married the wrong people. Know what I mean?

The parameters of a healthy, successful marriage will need to expand and contract with the stresses put upon it; it is after all a living entity. The balance between dependence and independence will constantly shift; so will the power dynamic in the relationship. Carve these things in stone and you will be mark a grave, not milestones on a path to growth.

Good luck

Super-Size Me

Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday again and I have a unique presentation for you today. Many months ago our friends at sex toy.com sent me a penis enlargement kit called Andro Penis and asked me to review it. This would certainly be a daunting task because it would take at several months of devoted use to effectively test this product. I would also have to find a willing Dr Dick Review Crew member to join me in this effort.

I put out an SOS message to all the men on the Review Crew asking for volunteers. I explained the extraordinary commitment this review would take. And asked if there might be at least one Review Crew member stalwart enough to subject himself and his cock to at least sixteen weeks of traction in the Andro Penis. You see, this instrument is placed over the penis and worn for four or nine hours a day for four to six months.

Not surprisingly, I got only one positive reply from my inquiry. Dr Dick Review Crew member, Carlos, said he’d be up to the task; all in the name of science and possibly a bigger dick.

Andro Penis —— $203.06

Dr Dick & Carlos
Dr Dick: “Before Carlos and I begin our discussion, I want to direct your attention to three postings I’ve made concerning penis enlargement. Historical Views On Cock Size, First Penis Enlargement Methods and Devices and Pumps and Pumps Effects On Penis Size.  These three articles will hopefully put today’s discussion in context.”
Carlos: “Yeah, Dr Dick asked me to read through all these columns before I accepted his invitation to join him in reviewing the Andro Penis. I think I should also mention that every since I was a teenager I’ve been embarrassed about the size of my cock. People tell me that I have nothing to be ashamed about, that my cock is average sized, but that never seemed to make my desire for a bigger penis go away.”
Dr Dick: “Yes, I’m afraid it’s precisely men like Carlos, here, that often fall prey to the unscrupulous people who market dubious enlargement devices, pills and creams.”
Carlos: “Yep, that would be me. I’ve been gullible enough to plunk down hard-earned money on a half-dozen enlargement schemes. All have been a disappointment. I guess that’s why I volunteered for this project. I knew it wouldn’t cost me any money, and there was the chance that the Andro Penis, what with all the medical jargon on their site, might actually work.”
Dr Dick: “Indeed, the Andro Penis website is loaded with scientific studies touting its efficacy. There’s even a page on their site filled with doctors and their endorsements of the product. Yet, upon closer inspection, the physician statements are mostly generic. Each speaks of tissue expansion by way of stretching, or in this case, traction.”
Carlos: “I already know about this because I’ve been stretching my earlobes for a couple of years.”
Dr Dick: “That’s right! People have been stretching body parts as a means of adornment for just about as long as we’ve had body parts to stretch.”
Carlos: “The Andro Penis is a medical looking apparatus that uses traction to stretch your penis. Ya have to wear on your dick for hours on end, every day, for up to six months. I promised Dr Dick that I would be able to handle this kind of commitment and that I was motivated to give this a try. The enlargement kit comes in a handsome case, which contains the stretching device, loads of extra parts, an instructional DVD, and booklet with written instructions in 27 languages. The booklet also helps you track your progress.”
Dr Dick: “Once I was confident Carlos understood the commitment I turned over the kit and sent him on his way. I told him that I wanted to hear from him at least once a month for an update.”
Carlos: “Ok, so you should know that the Andro Penis is pretty simple to attach to your cock. There’s a ring that fits down around the base of your cock with two metal rods attached to it on either side. These two metal rods attach to another part where your dick-head fits into this kind of noose. And then you just tighten it till there’s the desired tension. I know it sounds super uncomfortable, but it wasn’t that bad. At least it wasn’t at first. And then every seven days you attach these little extenders to the end of each of the metal rods. This is what causes your dick to stretch. The longer you wear the thing and the more extenders you use is supposed to determine how big your unit will get. The kit recommended that I wear the device for nine hours a day. That’s a lot! You can take breaks, if you need to, but the whole idea is to keep up the traction for a total of six months.”
Dr Dick: “That’s precisely the thing I wanted Carlos to report to me about. Would he be able to sustain that kind of commitment and endure that kind of discomfort just to grow his dick bigger?”
Carlos: “Actually, it wasn’t all that uncomfortable to start with, but it does feel really weird. Like any novelty, I was gung ho for the first few weeks. I mostly wore the Andro Penis in the evening and at night. I couldn’t wear it during the day at work, that’s for certain. It creates this very unsightly bulge in your pants. So I was sure I would never go out of the house with it on. Of course, just wearing it in the evening didn’t allow for the proper amount of wearing time. I had to start wearing it while I slept. My wife didn’t like this at all!”
Dr Dick: “I was pretty certain that finding the required number of hours a day, every day, would be a super challenge. And as Carlos suggests, the Andro Penis will no doubt get in the way of a relationship.”

Carlos: “True! And then there’s the issue of taking a piss. You have to free your cock from the contraption every time you need to pee. And don’t even think about gettin a boner with this thing in place. By the second month I was dreading my daily dick straightjacket. I began to resent having to abuse my cock like this. I cursed myself for not loving the beautiful cock God gave me. To be honest, there was a slight noticeable increase in length, but not in girth. But not so much that made wearing the Andro Penis worth it.”
Dr Dick: “That’s pretty much what I thought would happen. When Carlos reported in at the beginning of the third month I could tell he was over it. I asked him if he wanted to continue the experiment.”
Carlos: “I told him NO! I felt like I was letting Dr Dick down. I made a promise to wear the Andro Penis for four months, but I could barely get past two months. Every day I would find a new excuse to either not wear the thing or wear it for a shorter period than I was supposed to. I suppose if you’re serious about enlarging your cock, more serious than I was at the beginning, and you have the stamina for this kind of regiment; then you might dig the Andro Penis. Like I said, I started out with the best of intentions, but I soon developed an intense animosity toward the device. It was a lot more invasive than I ever thought it would be. It was like carrying around a ball and chain.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

C’est Bonne

Welcome back to Product Review Friday, sex fans. Today we bring you news of a handsome Tantus cockring with a unique design. This product comes to us from our friends and neighbors in beautiful British Columbia, Canada, Trinity Romance.

Here are Dr Dick Review Crew members Glenn & Hank with their thoughts.

C-Sling by Tantus —— $44.99

Glenn & Hank
Glenn: “This perky little thing is the C-Sling by Tantus. As you can see from its design, it is not your ordinary cockring.”
Hank: “I had to do a double take on the package. The packaging calls it a C-Sling. What’s up with that? Were they too timid to call it a cock sling? I don’t get it. I mean, it’s not like you’re not gonna find this thing on a rack at the local Walmart. You’ll only find this in an adult store, so why be so coy? C-Sling doesn’t tell me anything.”
Glenn: “Whoa, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
Hank: “I’m just sayin’, ok?”
Glenn: “Now that we have that rant out of the way, let’s take a peek at the C-Sling. It’s more than just a cockring; its teardrop shape works as a ‘taint’ (perineum) stimulator. This is not the first cockring of this design that I’ve seen. But it is the first one that I’ve seen that is made of 100% silicone. So that’s totally cool in my book.”
Hank: “I’ve been wanting to get a silver one, but they are really pricy. They make for some beautiful cock jewelry tough.”
Glenn: “That’s true enough, but I like the comfort the C-Sling. There is a little give with the silicone, not a whole lot, but there is a little. The metal ones have no give at all. And I think the black is pretty hot too. It also comes in red.”
Hank: “Ya got me there. The C-Sling is handsome, no doubt about it. My complaint is that it apparently comes only in this one size. That sucks, because there is no way this thing would fit on my cock and balls. One size fits all is not a good idea for a cockring, IMHO.”
Glenn: “Mr Big Meat over here has a point. The C-Sling fits me fine, but I have an average endowment. The cool thing about this kind of cockring is that you can wear it several different ways. There’s the usual position pointing down and back towards your asshole for the promised taint massage. If you point the tongue upward you get this freaky look of the tongue nestled in your pubes. Turn the ring around point the tongue tip outward and it hits ya right in the nuts. I love this. When I’m fisting my meat the C-Sling pushes up on my balls for this really great sensation. Also, when I wear it this way, it lifts my balls some so that I look like a have bigger package. Very hot!”
Hank: “A couple of weeks ago we were in Palm Springs and Glenn wore the C-Sling, in that way, under his skimpy Speedos. It really made his package pop. All the guys were staring at him.”
Glenn: “I got a kick out of that. Stole some of Hank’s thunder, thank you very much. Oh, and I use a bit of water-based lube on the rim of the C-Sling for easy placement. The lube also prevents chafing if you’re gonna wear if for a while. There’s an illustration on the package that shows you how to insert your balls first, then your limp dick. Don’t try to put this thing on with a boner.”
Full Review HERE

ENJOY!

Plan B

Hey sex fans,

Product Review Friday is back again; and today we have a handful of products from our very good friends at SexToy.com.

Dr Dick Review Crew Members — Ken & Denise, Brad and Angie do the honors. So let’s get right to it.

Bsoft Skyblue Rechargeable Massager —— $55.60

Angie
I could hardly wait to get home after Dr Dick handed off the Bsoft Skyblue Rechargeable Massager to me. As he and I talked about the weather, I kept fiddling with the attractive package in my lap. I have to admit, I was completely distracted. Luckily Dr Dick was kind enough to notice and he sent me on my way.

I set the package on the passenger seat as I drove home. I would catch a glimpse of the image of the Bsoft Skyblue on the package and imagine all the fun I would soon be having.

Once home I opened the tasteful package. I discovered an instruction manual, the lovely Bsoft Skybluewith it’s space-aged design and the recharger nestled in a formed plastic holder inside a black carton. As I gingerly removed the vibe from its resting place I inadvertently pressed the power-on button. It immediately sprang to life. Glory be; the Bsoft Skyblue comes already charged. How delightful and thoughtful!

There are two other buttons on the face of the vibe; one marked + and one marked -. These regulate the multifunction and multispeed. The unit itself is about 6” long, made of a hard plastic, which is phthalates free, hypoallergenic and latex free. So far, so good.

A serious problem arose moments after I took the Bsoft Skyblue from its package. You see, there is a small rubbery plug that covers (or is supposed to cover) the recharge port. And this plug absolutely will not stay in place. I don’t know if this is a design flaw on all the units, or if I’m the only unlucky consumer. Either way, it is very distressing.

I always apply at least some lube to whatever toy I am using on or around my vulva. I will not compromise on that. The fact that this dang plug won’t stay in place gave me pause about using the vibe. If I get lube, during use, or water, during cleanup, in the port it will probably won’t recharge.

I gingerly use the vibe by softly placing it on my vulva. I love the sensations. The vibrations are very strong, which I really like. I would have moved the vibe around more than I did if I used lube, but I didn’t. This is a huge drawback.
Full Review HERE

7 Super Stretch Sleeves —— $16.59

Ken & Denise
Denise: “It must be silly season in toyland.”
Ken: “You can say that again!”
Denise: “What we have here is 7 Super Stretch Sleeves. Six of them are 1.75” long and less than an inch in diameter. The seventh one is just short of 3” in length and only slightly larger in diameter.”
Ken: “They are made of a clear jelly material and each one has a slightly different configuration of bumps, points and nodules.”
Denise: “What are these things for, you might ask. Good question. Originally I thought they were to fit around a dildo shaped vibrator, or the like. The package shows that as an option.”
Ken: “But the package also says that one shouldn’t wear it for longer than 20 minutes. This suggests to me that these sleeves are supposed to be worn on a guy’s cock.”
Denise: “Well I guess that’s true if the said ‘guy’ has a teensy tiny unit. I couldn’t slip them over two of my fingers with ease. And I have slender fingers.”
Full Review HERE

Men’s Pleasure Wand —— $23.52

Brad
Ok, I get what they are trying to do here with the Men’s Pleasure Wand. It’s designed as an anal insertion toy. Of course a woman could also use this, because they have assholes. But I digress.

Anyhow, the Men’s Pleasure Wand is supposed to massage my balls, perineum and prostate; all at the same time. And it does…sort of. But I’m gettin a little ahead of myself.

The Men’s Pleasure Wand is waterproof and comes with a multi-speed controller that is attached to the part that is planted in your ass by a wire. It also has a ring on the base of the vibe that makes it easy to insert and remove. It’s also a very modest size in terms of girth. It’s no bigger than my middle finger. So if you’ve ever fingered your hole; and let’s be honest, you know you have. The Men’s Pleasure Wand will easily slip in your butt. Always remember to use a lot of lube with any kind of ass play, ok?

The package tells me nothing about the materials used in making the Men’s Pleasure Wand. That sucks! There is also a distinct off-gas smell to the toy once you open the package. This tells me that the materials used are of an inferior quality. It probably also means it’s not phthalates free, hypoallergenic or latex free. I happened to have my favorite silicone-based lube handy, so I used that. Didn’t seem to ill-effect the vibe in any way.

I really liked how easy the Men’s Pleasure Wand inserts. I really like the controller, which cycles four speeds. The controller makes it easy to change the vibration in the vibe without having to remove — adjust — then reinsert. The vibration is strongest in my ass, although it’s not all that strong even there. As for the other areas; I couldn’t feel  much vibration on my balls or taint. DISAPPOINTED!
Full Review HERE

ENJOY

Manhandled

Hey sex fans,

We’re back, and we’re sliding into Labor Day weekend, after a couple weeks off, with a couple of swell reviews. Today’s edition of Product Review Friday will be comin at ya in just a second. But first I want to make sure that you’ve all noticed the totally new look of my REVIEW site. It has a brand-spankin-new magazine format that mirrors this, my ADVICE site.

All the functions of the old site — search-ability, your favorite reviewers, the Categories section and Tags are still there, just like on this site. But now you can quickly scan a thumbnail image and a blurb for each review without having to scroll through the whole damn review. There is also a Headline review and a handful of featured reviews. Pretty gal-darn sweet, huh?

Today’s products come to us courtesy of our good friends at Adult Sex Toys .comDr Dick Review Crew members include — Jack & Karen and Greg.

Anal Invader With Cock Cage —— $15.35

Jack & Karen
Jack: “Probably ya’ll know I’m still pretty new at the whole butt sex, right? I’ve been experimenting with several toys and I am discovering that I really like butt plugs.”
Karen: “I got a very nice strap-on that I get to use on this man’s tush every now and again. And I have to tell you, it is a fuckin turn on.”
Jack: “It’s true; she gets off on being the top. I mean, who could blame her? So when I’m in the mood to get pegged, I warm myself up with one of my plugs and it’s pretty much smooth sailing from there.”
Karen: “He can wear a plug for hours prior to my ass-ault.”
Jack: “The newest addition to my growing collection is the Anal Invader With Cock Cage. It’s made of black latex. (If you have a latex allergy, this toy is definitely not for you.) It’s 4.5″ long with an insertable length of just over 3″. A super-sized bullet vibe slips into the base and it is powered by one AA battery. (Battery not included.) A dial on the base of the vibe controls the vibration intensity. This dial setup is only ok; it isn’t the ideal controller for a butt plug.”
Karen: “Tell them about the cock cage part.”
Jack: “Oh yeah! Honestly, I couldn’t get into this…both literally and figuratively. It seemed to me to be a completely unnecessary addition to the butt plug. Besides, it’s one of those, ‘one size fits all’ set ups and it was both awkward and uncomfortable. In the end, I wound up cutting the cage doohickey off and just using the plug.”
Karen: “You also said that with the cage attached, the plug pointed the wrong way in your bum, right?”
Jack: “That’s right! The plug is supposed to hit my prostate, but with the cage attached, the head of the plug pointed away from my P-spot. But the gradually increasing sized bumps on the plug are great for warming yourself up for the full insertion. And once you have it fully inserted it stays in place nicely, as any good butt plug should. I love walking around with a plug in my ass. It makes me super hard.”
Full Review HERE

Naughty Boy Blue —— $68.41

Greg
I have the pleasure of introducing you to a fantastic toy, the Naughty Boy. Made by the same people who gave us the Rude Boy. Look for Dr Dick’s review of that puppy HERE!

The Naughty Boy is officially my new favorite ass play toy. Mine is blue, but it also comes in black. It has a very masculine design; it provides a very nice prostate massage as well as perineum massage. The one-speed bullet vibe in the base is powered by a couple of those small round watch batteries (the first set comes with the toy). They do a pretty good job delivering the sensations I am looking for in an anal toy. It has a very modest insertable length of just over 4″ with a slender diameter that starts out not bigger that your middle finger. This flairs slightly to a bulge of just over an inch. It’s great for an ass play beginner. But it also works for me, and I’m no novice to anal insertions, I can tell you.

The things I like most about the Naughty Boy is that it is made of 100% silicone and it is waterproof. Both of these features are really important to me. I don’t like sticking anything in my ass that is not of the highest quality. So silicone is the material for choice for me. It is soft and pliable, phthalates free, hypo-allergenic and latex free. And since this is a toy that goes where the sun don’t shine, it is essential that I have the ability to clean and sanitize it. I’m able to do this with soap and hot water, and then wiping it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution.

Be sure to use a lot of lube for anal insertions of any kind. And in this case, only water-based lube will do. A silicone-based lube will degrade this beautiful silicone toy; and you don’t want that.
Full Review HERE

ENJOY!

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