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Making a Marriage Work; A Primer For Sexual Success

I’m preparing a workshop for recently engaged couples. I expect there will be about a dozen couples attending. While most of the participants will be preparing for their first marriage, there will be at least two couples working on their second marriage. My experience tells me that regardless of how many turns one takes on the merry-go-round anxiety about sexual compatibility, particularly for the long haul, abounds.

One of the best resources out there for those considering a sexually exclusive traditional marriage is Esther Perel’s controversial book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.  Her thesis is that increased emotional intimacy between partners often leads to less sexual passion. I’ve been preaching the same sermon for nearly 30 years. But I assure you; there are ways around this predictable stumbling block.

Here we have Paige, age 22 from Tulsa. OK.

I am engaged to a wonderful guy. I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail. I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work? Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?

First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you’re married. It wasn’t too long ago when that was the norm. But even people who enter marriage as established sex partners aren’t assured success.

I caution you to jettison any Pollyanna notion you might have about marriage being a breeze, or that all you need is love. These are dangerous fictions. Your recently married friends have problems because there are always problems in a marriage. It’s the nature of relationships. Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable, but sure as shootin’ problems will be your constant companions, even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.

You can also be assured that the problems you will encounter, regardless of their nature, will impact on your sex life together. Money concerns, the stresses of a career, kids, in-laws, you name it will all influence how you perceive your spouse. Nothing dampens ardor like financial difficulties or meddlesome relatives.

So Paige, rather than focus on the nature of your sex life as you enter your marriage, may I suggest that you concentrate on the bigger picture. And in order to do that you need to ask; why do most traditional, sexually exclusive marriages flounder? They crumble because they can’t bear up under the strain of the couple’s expectations for each other. Simply stated, they want too much from their spouse. They expect companionship, economic support and family for sure, but they also expect their partner to be their best friend, confidant and passionate lover. That’s a pretty tall order to fill for a single individual. Who wouldn’t have cool feet, or even be frozen in place, faced with those daunting expectations.

A lot of engaged couples overly concern themselves with the sexual viability or their relationship. My sense is that sexual concerns, by themselves, don’t tax a marriage to the point of breaking. You’ll notice that I said, ’sexual concerns, by themselves’. While sex and intimacy issues are indeed real and sometimes overwhelming, it’s the underpinnings of the relationship that bring these sexual issues into stark relief. Let me give you an example.

Say I’ve just spent 60 hours this past week at work; I get snarled in traffic on my commute every single day. I drag my sorry ass home to a loving partner, who may have been looking forward to an amorous night of sex play. But I’m completely fagged out, so to speak. I simply don’t have an interest in the old slap and tickle. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse; I do! I don’t have the energy to even squeeze one off by myself, let alone please and pleasure my partner.

Or say I’ve been caring for a house full of sick, ornery kids all day; and freaking out about our family’s precarious financial situation. I have barely the time and energy to rustle together some grub for the brood, when my loving partner, who may have been looking forward to an amorous night of sex play, arrives back at the homestead with stars in his/her eyes. I’m exhausted; and the idea of a tussle in the sack is the last thing on my mind. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse; on the contrary. I just don’t feel attractive, interesting, or more importantly, randy.

As these examples point out it’s not that the sexual energy has flown the coop. More often than not couples who face the tribulations of life together redirect their energy into resolving more pressing concerns than gearing up for sex. The reason I know this for certain is, if I were to take this stressed out couple away from the humdrum of their day-to-day, and land them on a tropical beach without a care in the world; I know for certain they’d fuck like bunnies.

Another example, say a couple is joined at the hip; you know the ones I’m talking about. Where one or the other partner can hardly take a trip to the loo without their spouse traipsing along. Many couples think this kind of closeness is a sign of their love and fidelity, and it may very well be for them. But I can guarantee this kind of familiarity will also stifle sexual passion. The truth of the matter is erotic fervor is dependent on at least a modicum of mystery. If I know my partner like the back of my hand, I’m less likely to see him/her as a sexual object; in the same sexual way as when we were courting.

This also can be proven. Why is the chick at work, who I have virtually nothing in common with, such a turn on? How is it that my yoga instructor, someone I hardly know and who pays me no attention, make me wet? It’s the mystery or the forbidden that jacks up the sexual tension.

The way I see it is passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. This kind of tension dissipates with time and it takes a great deal of work to keep that tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy; even though they may pay lip service to the notion that they want the passion to continue.

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship; regrettably this also includes sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the path of domestic tranquility. But the result can be the kind of sexual frustration so many married people report.

I’ve been to a lot of wedding; and I’ve officiated at more than I can count. I’ve helped numerous couples construct their vows. Generally the first thing they want to say to each other is something like: “I promise to be your best friend, your confidant; your constant companion. Sound familiar? I thought it might. What I never hear is: “I promise to always be up for all your hot monkey love.” Not only would that vow be a showstopper; it would be an impossible promise to keep, unless you’re a blow-up doll. Frankly, it’s so much easier being a best friend or confident than the sexual siren that will be the answer to all your erotic dreams after we’re married for a few years.

Sexual exclusivity is at the heart of the romantic ideal. That’s why sexual infidelity is such a bugaboo in our culture. But the truth of the matter is, sustaining a model where marriage is the font from which all fulfillment flows is simply unrealistic. Maybe if we expect sexual exclusivity from our spouse, we ought to manage our other expectations of him/her (best friend, confidant, etc.) more pragmatically.

I am of the mind that since more than 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce; we must look at the relationship model we are laboring under. Maybe the romantic ideal is simply an illusion. I mean we can’t honestly try to explain away the divorce rate by saying all these couples simply married the wrong people. Know what I mean?

The parameters of a healthy, successful marriage will need to expand and contract with the stresses put upon it; it is after all a living entity. The balance between dependence and independence will constantly shift; so will the power dynamic in the relationship. Carve these things in stone and you will be mark a grave, not milestones on a path to growth.

Good luck

No, seriously…

Name: PaunFarr
Gender: Male
Age: 41
Location: Ohio
Dr. Dick, I’m feeling the intense letdown of the ballot issues passed this week in California, Florida and Arkansas. Especially CA, where they had gay marriage but now have lost it, and my heart goes out for all those married couples now in limbo. I don’t understand this. Ohio passed their “marriage protection” act a couple years ago, and it was a devastating blow to me. Why is ok for the majority to restrict the rights of the minority? Where is our defender? Where is justice simply because it’s the right thing, not necessarily the popular thing? Will Barack Obama be able to turn around the tide of hatred and discrimination that George Bush has sewn for eight years? How long must we wait to be recognized as equal citizens and not made to feel like the lowest form of person possible? Looking for some advice on how to hold my head high when we’re so often given the message to slink away.

Yeah, I’m bummed too.  But the November 4th vote is not the end of the story.  There dr_dick_1976.jpgare many more chapters yet to be written.  Don’t let your disappointment and frustration take the wind out of your sails.

The very first thing I learned in the 30 plus years I’ve spent fighting for human rights, is that equality and justice never comes easily.  The second thing I learned is that my dignity and self-worth is not dependent on the approbation of others.

You learn to hold your head up because you KNOW you are as good as anyone else.  You fight inequality and injustice wherever you find it, not just in the gay community.  You make allies of all the other people in your community who are marginalized for whatever reason.  You build a coalition.  When your efforts fail, as they often will, you support and encourage your colleagues and plan your next assault on the in equitable and unjust system.  In fact, you redouble your grassroots organizing to broaden your base by reaching out to others in a language they will understand.  One thing is certain; other minorities will not automatically understand your oppression as a gay man any more than you will automatically understand what oppresses them.  But working together to find common ground will provide you the means to achieve your goals of equality in the dominant culture.  That’s how it’s done.

And ya know what?  This struggle is never over.  If you leave the battle once your rights have been secured, then you signal to your allies that you were only in it for yourself.  Nothing will undermine a coalition faster than selfishness.

Whatever you do, don’t be lookin for a defender to swoop in and save the day for you.  That’s the stuff of fairytales.  If you’re not on the front lines making this coalition happen, then don’t expect anyone, from the president on down, to come to your rescue.  Remember, dignity is not the result of the struggle; dignity is in the struggle.  Make this your life’s work and you won’t be discouraged with one, or even several, set backs.

Name: Paige
Gender: Female
Age: 22
Location:  Tulsa
I am engaged to a wonderful guy.  I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail.  I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work?  Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?

First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you bride32.jpgare married.  It wasn’t too long ago when that sort of thing was the norm.  And as you say, even though nowadays most people enter marriage as established sex partners, that alone won’t insure a marriage will be a success.

So ok, if a successful marriage is not dependent on sexual experience what does it take to make a marriage work?  Hell, if I knew that I’d bottle it and make myself a well deserved fortune.

For the sake of argument, let’s just say you are the marrying kind and that you simply have cold feet, like every bride and groom to be does.  Let’s say that you and your fiancé have made the right choice…for you…to enter your marriage as virgins.  What’s next?  Possibly you need to jettison the Pollyanna notion that marriage is a breeze.  Your recently married friends are having problems because there are always problems in a marriage.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable.  But, sure as shootin’, problems will be your constant companions, sometimes they’ll even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.

If you have an unwavering commitment to one another to do whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work, you’ll probably be ok. Being sexually unfamiliar with one another may be a liability or it might be an asset.  One thing is certain, if you guys start to have problems with the whole sex thing, as often happens for newlyweds, get help right away.  There should be no shame or embarrassment about that.  In fact, you might want to be proactive and start looking around for sexual enrichment courses or videos to help you grow together as lovers.  Look to my Product Review Page for some video and toy suggestions.

bride0020.jpgHere are some generic tips.  Great sex is dependent on mutuality.  Be sure your partner knows he or she is loved, appreciated and respected.  One of you may discover that he or she has a stronger libido than the other.  That’s pretty common.  Deal with this immediately, like adults. Don’t wait for your relationship to go broken. Accommodations and compromise are always necessary in seeking the common good.  And people come to compromise and accommodation through effective communication.  If you don’t know how to do that, your relationship is doomed.

Passion is not a dirty word, nor is creative sexual expression a sin.  If you have religious scruples about enjoying your body and that of your fiancé you’re headed for trouble.  Boredom in the bedroom, particularly for newlyweds is a recipe for disaster.

Saving yourself for your wedding night does not preclude you being well versed in self-pleasuring.  In fact, the more you know about your body and the mysteries of your sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for the two of you on your wedding night. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their marriage bed uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.  And come prepared; always have lots and lots of lube handy!

Like I said, mutuality is the key.  And since we all evolve sexually, both of you will need to grow right along with your partner.  Make your sex play an adventure.  Never hesitate to check in with one another to see how the pleasure thing is going.  What worked last time is not necessarily gonna work the next time.

Spontaneity is always a real good thing.  Traditional marriage doesn’t mean you have to be stogy.  Both of you need to take responsibility for seeing that your intimacy needs are being met.  Sometimes that will involve fucking like bunnies, other times it will mean vegging-out in front of the boob-tube with a fist full of Häagen-Dazs.

Openness and honesty about your most secret sexual desires and needs is essential.  Can’t trust your partner with your secrets, you oughtn’t be married to him or her.  Take responsibility for your own sexuality.  Ask for what you want and need, but don’t neglect caring for yourself.

Seek your partner’s pleasure before your own.  This is particularly important for a man.  If you become too busy to celebrate your sexuality together, you are indeed too fuckin busy.  Prioritize your life with your partner at its center.

There’s a fundamental difference between making love and fucking.  Both have their place in a healthy marriage.  And there ought also be room for solitary sex too.  Everyone in entitled to privacy and private time, especially in a marriage.

Have some creativity about your sexual expression.  Toys, fantasies, role-playing, they’re all good.  Don’t be afraid to experiment.  Attend to making your sex play spaces fit the mood — romantic to down and dirty.  One size does not fit all, if you catch my drift.

If you plan to go to seed once you’re married you can be assured that the fire will go out just as soon as you do.  Stay in shape, get plenty of exercise, and keep yourself attractive to your partner.  Pay attention to your personal hygiene. No one wants to bump someone with a smelly body and bad breath.

Make sure your partner is fully aroused before full-on fucking.  And remember sex is way more than the old in an out.  Finally, have a sense of humor about the whole thing; it will help take the edge off.

Name: Steve
Gender: male
Age: 46
Location:
Safe to swallow?  Improve the taste?

I just love it when ya’ll take the time to write or call me to tell me about your spunk. I like it for two reasons. First, it reassures me that ya’ll are paying attention to your sexual response cycle.  And  that you continue to be fascinated with how your body works. These are two really good things.

Second, well hell, I just get a kick outta hearin’ about your joy juice discoveries. Gosh, seed2.JPGIt warms the cockles of my poor old heart.  So keep it up, so to speak, and keep the good doctor informed. Who knows one day I may hear something I’ve never heard before.

Back to you Steve, there ain’t nothin’ to get all freaked out about.  Eatin’ your spooge will not make you sick. If you get off suckin’ up your own seed, knock yourself out. Have a ball! Oh wait, you already are!

Think about it for a minute, there couldn’t possibly be anything in your cum that could harm big old you, because that would mean it would also be harmful to your cute little defenseless sperm. But it’s not, so there.

Technically speaking, your joy juice, semen to be more precise, is mostly water. There’s also a simple sugar to keep you’re hard workin’ sperm alive and well. And, the rest is pure protein, baby. So look at it this way, your eating habits, so to speak, will require you to eat just a little less tofu than the rest of us.

And I do know a little something about making your spooge…spunkalicious.
Most of our ejaculate is produced in our seminal vesicles and prostate gland: not in our testicles, as most folks think. Only our sperm is produced in our balls, and sperm makes up only a fraction of our ejaculate. Our prostate gland is influenced by what we consume; eat, drink, smoke, things like that. So if you want to have sweet tasting jizz, for yourself and others, watch what you consume. Oh, and drink lots of water too.

Eating celery and/or parsley can have an almost immediate effect on the taste of your cum. Some report that the effect can be as swift as 30 minutes. So not only do celery and parsley freshen your breath, but they freshen your spunk as well. Hey, it’s like having two mints in one.

Oh and I can turn you on to a brand new product.  So brand new, in fact, that I have yetsmallermaple.jpg to publish a review of it on my Product Review Page.  Let me introduce you to Intimate Teas.  They have this special tea called My Maple Cookie.  It’s a unique blend of premium herbs specially formulated to change the female genitalia and male semen to smell and taste like pure maple.  How fun is that?  And it really works too.  I mean, who doesn’t want his/her juices to smell and taste like dessert?

If your diet is heavy with meats and fish your jizz will most likely have a bitter taste. A high concentration of dairy products creates a foul taste…so does all that coffee and nicotine. Lots of fruits and vegetables in your diet (except for asparagus that is) will produce a slightly sugary taste. And if you like your cocktails (the kind you drink, silly), it’s best to stick with high-quality, naturally fermented beers, wine or liquor. The cheap stuff, the rotgut, will not only give you a wicked hangover, but will cause your spooge to have an extremely acidic taste.

Name: Alva
Gender: female
Age: 40
Location:  New Mexico

It has been over six years since I have had sex. My husband of 12 years died cancer 5 years ago.  There was no sex in our relationship the last year of his life.  He was the love of my life and I still miss him so much. I would like to get back into the swing of things.  I just don’t know how.  My friends tell me I should get on with my life.  They tell me I’m still an attractive woman and that I’m wasting my life.  Sometimes they badger me so that I don’t want to be around them.  Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe I’m dead inside.  Why can’t I just move on?

You raise some very interesting issues, Alva, concerns that are often ignored or misdiagnosed by healing and helping professionals.  Grief has a profound effect on grief-1.jpgevery aspect of our lives.  Yet there is hardly any literature on the effects grief has on our sexuality.  To my mind, grief is the leading causes of sexual dysfunction for those who have experienced the death of a loved one.  And you, my dear, present some of the classic symptoms — indecision, self-doubt, lack of libido, a desire to isolate.

Before I continue I want to underscore that grief is not depression.  And treating grief with an antidepressant is counterproductive.  It can actually take away the impetus to resolve the grief and get on the rest of one’s life.

Now, is six years of grieving enough?  Apparently your friends think so. But what do you think?  Would reviving your sex life sully the memory of your dear departed husband?  I believe it’s time for you to bring this concern to a professional for help.  I suggest that you get some therapy from someone who is well versed in both sexuality and grief counseling. I say this not because I’m siding with your friends, but because you, yourself, identify this as a problem.

What could a counselor do for you, you may ask?  Well, I can only speak for myself, and the work I do in my practice.  A good portion of my practice is with sick and dying people and their friends and family who survive them.  I know the impact a terminal illness and the dying process can have on the surviving spouse or partner.  We often go into survival mode, shutting down so much of ourselves in an effort to have the strength to cope with this life-altering experience.  Of course, trying to kick-start our life afterwards is often a monumental effort.  Without the support and guidance of a professional or a group of similarly challenged people, some of us just sink to the lowest common denominator and stop fully functioning.

grief.jpgTraumatic events in our lives can radically shift us out of living mode into merely surviving mode.  And if this goes on for a long time — and six years is a very long time in my opinion — surviving mode begins to feel like living mode.  But it’s not!  Good thing we have friends to tell us when we are off course.  You are right to say that sometimes the interventions of our friends can feel like badgering.  And I know that’s not helpful.  But how else are they to convey their continued concern for your wellbeing?

I believe in the resilience of the human spirit.  I believe that we can honor our dead and continue to live and love too.  Now it’s true that some animals and even some humans mate for life.  And when the mate dies they never mate again.  However, this doesn’t sound like you, Alva.  It sounds to me like you have a desire to get on with your life, to fill the void, to make new connections, but you simply don’t know how.  Acknowledging that fact is a real good place to begin.

Perhaps you could start by reawakening your sexuality through self-pleasuring.  Reconnect with your body and the joy it can bring you.  Six years is a long time to be without, so starting up again may take some effort.  While you are working on resolving your grief in a grief support group, you might want to connect with another group member who will no doubt be experiencing much the same things as you.  You could explore your sexuality together.

Reestablishing a social life will no doubt follow, slowly at first.  But the inevitable tug of our basic need for human to human contact will draw you, if you let it.  Remember the best testament to those who have died is to continue to celebrate life itself.

Good luck ya’ll

…Because I Said So!

Once again, I have the pleasure of introducing all you perverts and pervettes to some very appealing playthings. Thanks to my inquisitive correspondents and the treasure trove that is Dr Dick’s Stockroom, I’m able to bring you another installment of my ever so popular, SEX TOY AWARENESS feature.

Name: Oliver
Gender: male
Age: 32
Location: Atlanta
I want to try a butt plug or at least I think I do. I have a friend who swears by his. The other day he took me to the store to pick up some groceries. All the while he was acting all weird and giggly and stuff. I knew something was up, because the Safeway is just not that festive. He told me later that he was wearing his butt plug while we were shopping. Are these things really that much fun?

Well ya know fun is in the eye (or in this case…the bum) of the beholder. I know a couple of guys (and even one gal) who wear their plugs for hours on end. A plug of modest size can offer loads of stimulation for an extended period of time. And, like your friend, only the wearer will know the source of his/her shit eatin’ grin. My one female friend says she wears hers when she irons. She told me that ironing used to be a chore she dreaded. Now the drudgery has turned to delight, thanks to her prodigious plug. She also reminds me to tell you that plugs are not only for assholes. She has another set of plugs just for her pussy. What a creative lass!

c933.jpgOliver, let me introduce you to your new best friend for life — the Tulip Anal Plug (C933). This gracefully designed butt plug features a rounded tip for effortless penetration. The yielding tulip shape fans out to a wide, 11⁄2 maximum diameter, then slims to a narrow column, making for an effective fit. This toy is meticulously manufactured by hand in the USA using the finest materials available. And that’s really important considering where you’re gonna shove this puppy.

The Tulip Anal Plug is made from 100% Ultra-Premium Platinum Silicone (read: first class stuff). Hypoallergenic, phthalate free, perfectly odorless, this toy is great for people with sensitive skin or for those who want a more environmentally friendly play option. This plug is boilable, bleachable and dishwasher safe. Isn’t it a comfort to know that this nontoxic, waterproof playmate can be so easily sterilized? And last but not least, the wide base provides improved manipulation and a helpful safeguard too.

Name: Patti
Gender: female
Age: 38
Location: Washington DC
My best friends are getting married. They’re going to Canada to get hitched, because my friends are lesbians, and…well you know how we are here in the states about that. Anyhow, I’m looking for an unusual bridal gift…for two brides!

Yeah, I do know how we are here in the states! Maybe Canada will annex us one day.

c212.jpgWhat lesbian bride wouldn’t want one of these delightful toys? The Njoy Fun Wand (C212) is more than a sex toy. It has as many applications as a Swiss Army knife. (And you know how them lesbians love their Swiss Army knives! They never leave home without it.)

The lucky brides will be able to insert one end for amazing g-spot orgasms, or use the beaded end for anal ecstasy. Your friends will be able to practice their Kegel exercises with this thing too. In no time they will have vaginal muscles of steel. And when the dreaded lesbian bed death occurs, as you know it will, the Njoy Fun Wand can be used to apply pressure to knots in their back and shoulder muscles.

Since it is handcrafted from the highest-grade stainless steel, the Njoy Fun Wand will last a lifetime. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s easy to clean with mild soap and water. Measures approximately 8″ in length, with the widest section measuring 1″ in diameter.

It has a hefty weight to it, and it will hold temperature — warm or cold — just in case your friends have a little kink to them.

j420.jpgName: Ward Clever
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location: Suburban, USA
My wife, June, has been passing around the beaver, if you know what I mean. This has got to stop. That beaver belongs to me. What do you suggest I do to teach her a lesson?

Dear Ward, I know how trying it can be when the little woman wanders. What’s a husband to do? I think it’s time to trap Beaver Cleaver, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Here’s what you’ll need to get the job done. Deluxe Female Chastity Belt, Pink Leather (J420), a top quality piece of pink leather BDSM fetish gear. So feminine, yet so sturdy!

This deluxe locking chastity belt has a waist belt, and a second belt going between the legs flaring out in an hourglass shape around the crotch area, giving more coverage in front and in back, while narrowing between the legs to conform to pelvic anatomy. Ward, my friend, not only will this little number trap June’s beaver, it will keep her bunghole from wandering too!

This leather harness is a full-fledged chastity belt. Both belts are adjustable and lockable. The whole belt requires four locks (not included). Remember, beavers are wily creatures; so security is a must if you want to get the job done right.

Name: Cameron
Gender: male
Age: 24
Location: Winnipeg
Doc, I’m fed up spending so much money on disposable douches. Is there anything out there that is safe and reusable?

b004.jpgYou’re in luck, darlin’! The Shur Shot (B004) is a douche/enema nozzle that is outfitted for use as a shower attachment.

The nozzle is 6″ (15cm) long. It’s attached to a metal hose almost 6 feet (1.7 meters) long. On the other end of the hose is a valve, which you screw on to your shower spigot. Then both your showerhead and the 6-foot hose attach to the valve. In one position, the valve will direct the water flow to the Shur Shot, and in the other position the water goes to your showerhead. Isn’t that brilliant engineering?

Here’s a tip, when you buy a product like this, be sure you buy quality. I do not recommend the cheaper plastic models you sometimes see around. If you buy the Shur Shot you can be confident that blasted thing will last. You will also have the proper length of hose, which is like totally important for reaching those hard to get at spots.

Name: Bette
Gender: female
Age: 45
Location: Redding, CA
One of the medications I take every day has a very unfortunate side effect. It causes acute vaginal dryness and that, as you know, can make intercourse painful. I’ve tried several lubes, but they only seem to help on the surface and I need deeper lubrication. Is there anything you can suggest?

c123.jpgYou betcha! I have just the thing for you. Holy cow, check out the Lube Shooter (C123). This package comes with 3 disposable lube shooters that put lube where you want it, deep in your pussy! No more wasted lube! No more messy sheets. Just a comfortable fuck!

Simply remove the plunger, pour the lube into the shooter. Replace the plunger and depress until the lube begins to ooze. Insert the lube shooter into your pussy and slowly depress the lever. How fun is that? This handy device is perfect for lubing up one’s ass for some deep slippery butt fuckin’ too. But probably you perverts figured that out already, huh?

Good luck Ya’ll

Blue Plate Special

Name: ali
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: canada
my girlfriend dont waana get maried to me beacuse she is afraid of sex , she hates sex because she think its a disguesting thing like sucking fingering n etc what am i suppose to do i love her how i satisfy her dat we have to marry???

Why would you want to marry a chick that doesn’t like sex? That just seems crazy. If you think you’re gonna win her over or change her mind about sex just by marrying her; that’s even crazier. Loving someone is not enough to overcome this kind of resistance. If she’s unwilling to see a therapist to help her through her revulsion of things sexual, then I’d say it was time for you to find another potential bride.

Name: Randy
Gender:
Age: 24
Location: Florida
Is it possible that anal sex can result in increased flatulence?

xx19.jpgAaaa yeah!

Think of your ass as a cylinder and your partner’s cock as a piston. All the slamming in and out forces air up your bum. And what happens to that trapped air after (and sometimes even during) a fuck fest? You got it…farts for days. It’s no big thing, all bottoms get fuck-farts. The same is true for women — her pussy is the cylinder and her partner’s cock is the piston. All the slamming in and out forces air into her cooch, producing the very familiar pussy-fart.

Name: Jonathan
Gender: Male
Age:
Location: UK
Hello, please could you tell me if there is a way to increase the size of my testicles permanently, I do shoot a good amount of cum but they are small in the hand and look small in underwear and swim trunks, have you any advice on what I could try,

Hold on there, big fella. What are you askin’ me? Do you want to increase the size of your balls (testicles), or the size of your sack (scrotum)? You can do the later, but not the former. If you are past puberty, your balls are the size they are gonna be; there’s no increasing them. Your sack, on the other hand can be stretched to increase its size. Will that satisfy you? If so, read this: …don’t let me get too deep. If not, you’re out of luck, darlin’!

Name: Mario
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Location: CA
I watch porn once in a while and have noticed that when I have an erection I get the “precum” after a while of having the erection. The problem is that lots of precum leaks out and its embarrassing for me when I’m with a girl. They usually get grossed out and stop oral sex. Will the precum go away with time or will this happen to me forever?

Ahhh, the heartbreak of pesky precum drip! I used to know this guy that dripped like a broken faucet and all he had to do was think about a woman’s tits. It was absolutely amazing. When I knew him he was at his first job as a teller in a bank in downtown San Francisco. If there was so much as a woman in line with a low cut blouse and a bit of cleavage showing, he was done for. m.jpgHe could feel his juice drip down his leg. He tried many things to keep his heartbreak from being so obvious — he would wear baggy pants, double up on underwear, he’d stuff his junk in a sock and wear a jock over the sock under his underwear. That worked, but it was uncomfortable. Finally he discovered his own personal solution — he pulled his foreskin over the head of his dick and put a little rubber band over the end. This way his juice would build up inside his hood until he released the rubber band. Now that was creative thinking. I’ll admit this guy was unusual with his prodigious cock dribble, but he was young, only in his late teens. His “problem” did subside with time.

This whole phenomenon is not unlike a person with a heavy perspiration problem. You know the guys, the ones who run with sweat form every pour at slightest amount of stress. For most, this happens during puberty and early adulthood, but it doesn’t last.

Listen, pup, I know your drip may be a bit embarrassing, but it’s really very natural. I encourage you to just go with the flow…no pun intended. The more you worry about it the more it will plague you and in time you will become so self-conscious about it, it will cause performance anxiety. Why not consider yourself lucky, all that precum is a swell natural lubricant. Ya know some women have a similar concern with an abundance of vaginal liberation produced during arousal. But believe me, it always way better to have too much than not enough.

To your concern that some girls get grossed out by your leaky dick, well all I can say is they’re no connoisseur of cocksucking. Because those in the know consider precum the Nectar of the Gods!

Name: Isabell
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Location: Olympia Wa
HI, my guy and i have been together for five years now and he is 29 now. Of course in the beginning we were all over each other, but now (five years later) he can go months with out even thinking about sex. And of course I am going crazy for it. He says me pining for sex is a turn off but i cant help it. He thinks its normal, but i know its not. I dont know how to get him in the mood. I’ve tried going down on him at night, romantic dinners, porn, and sucking up to his ego. But still to no avail. I know he’s straight. I am sure there are some things that contribute to his lack of interest. Like he was raised mormon, and in some regards holds women on a pedestal. So what would you advise me to do. What can i do to help him get hornier?

You’re right, darlin’, it ain’t normal! A guy in his 20’s, albeit his late, late 20’s, who has no libido…that’s just downright odd.

So let’s say for the sake of argument that you’re right, he is straight as can be (no secret cock on the side). And he can go months without showing any interest in sex? Come on! If he had been like this from the get go, we could make the case that he just doesn’t have an interest in sex. That’s not particularly uncommon. But to go from a vigorous sex live to virtually none in a few years, that’s fishy. Are you confident that he is still attracted to you? Sometimes a guy would rather live a life of quiet desperation than tell his GF that he’s no longer into her in a sexual sort of way.

17647853_p.jpgIs he experiencing any health problems? Is he overweight, diabetic? Is he depressed? Is he on any prescribed meds? Is he smoking too much pot, consuming too much booze? Is he overworked on the job? Is he sleep deprived? All these things can impact on a dude’s sex drive. I’d recommend he see his physician for some blood work to check his testosterone levels. Sometime a guy’s hormone levels can take a nosedive without him knowing it.

Finally, to your question…what can you do to help him get hornier? Probably nothing beyond what you’ve already tried. If a surprise blowjob, a romantic dinner, porn and even an ego boost don’t do the trick, I’d say he’s a lost cause. Time to take your needs to someone with a little more lead in his pencil, if ya know what I mean. None of us should have to beg for our bone.

Name: amber
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Location: fort worth
When me and my husband have sex he just seems to want to get it over with. I dont ask him for it because everytime i do ask him hes not in the mood. He wont even try to help me warm up i have to do it all myself. I even do everything to him that he asks me. He also seems like he doesnt want to please me because ill tell him ways to make it easier and positions i like and he just ignores me and goes on the way he wants it. When we first met sex was amazing and now sex is literally a 2-minute session just for him. What do i do to get him to help me out too?

See my response to Isabell, right above you.

And to that I would add that if your man is not being mutual in your sex play he’s not playing fair. And let’s not mince words, your husband sounds downright abusive. Marriage does not give one the license to ignore, reject or abuse. I’m not one for ultimatums, but the longer you tolerate his behavior, the more retractable he will become. Give the bum a choice to either work with you to find a happy solution to this mess, or you are gone.

Good luck, ya’ll

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Too Much of One Thing and Not Enough of Another

Name: Carey
Gender: Male
Age: 33
Location: Kansas
My fiancée is 27 and in the past 3 to 4 years her libido has become virtually extinct I have tried everything and she just blames her birth control what do I do

You’ve been engaged to a woman for more than 4 years? Oh wait, maybe you’re trying to tell me that you proposed to this woman in spite of knowing she has an extinct libido? Either way, darling, that’s messed up, huh? Are you hoping this is “dry spell” is gonna somehow magically resolve itself once you’re married? I wouldn’t hold my breath for that, if I were you.

happy-bride-getting-boned.jpgIt’s true of course, birth control pills can seriously impact on a woman’s desire for sex. Your fiancée is probably one of these women. Maybe she ought to consult her physician about another type of pill that may have a less severe impact on her libido. Many women find that triphasic birth control pills (which deliver differing amounts of hormones every week) interfere much less with their sex drive than monophasic pills (which deliver the same amount of hormones each dose).

She could also decide to discontinue the pill altogether, and choose another form of contraception, such as a condom or diaphragm. Just realize that once off the pill, her sex drive may only return very slowly.

You see how this predicament is a double bind for your fiancée. If she is more lax with her contraceptive efforts, just to please you and your sex drive; then she opens herself up for an unplanned pregnancy. And that’s not good for her, or you. Is there anything YOU can do to free her up from shouldering the full burden of contraception? Have you’ve considered a vasectomy? Probably not, huh? What man ever imagines he ought assume the responsibility for controlling reproduction?

I wholeheartedly support the notion that married people deserve a rich and fulfilling sex life, unless there’s mutual agreement not to bother. But that can’t happen if one of the partners is inequitably burdened by one thing or another. Perhaps, it’s time you and the little misses to have a frank talk about equally sharing the responsibility for contraception. And if this little talk is successful, maybe, just maybe, you might get laid again.

Good luck

Name: Tom
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: New York
Okay so I’m not sexually active yet so I’m not in a rush to solve this but I just had a question for you. Is it possible to have too much foreskin? I mean even when fully erect the skin still overhangs by like 1 quarter inch or so (never measured so not exact). So a few times i’ve tried to do it by hand and yet still it doesn’t fully go back and gets to a point that it starts to hurt and I can’t continue. So do I probably hatto get cut some day or something? Also what if I decided not to get cut would this cause problems, just asking because if I didn’t have to go in and get cut I’d prefer that but you gotta do what you gotta do. Well thanks for the help.

Too much foreskin? Never heard of such a thing!

That being said, it does sound like you have been blessed with an abundance of drapes. What’s also obvious is that you’ve yet to learn how to manage a foreskin…particularly a wild and unruly foreskin, like yours.

c7.jpegPhimosis, or tight foreskin, can be a real pain. But stretching, not circumcision, is the cure for all but the most severe cases. I’d be willing to guess that you’ve never been taught to stretch your foreskin to make it more elastic, right? Alrighty then, let’s start with a few stretching exercises.

Exercise 1 — While you’re dick is soft; retract your foreskin as far back as you can. Work two fingers in under your hood till you can touch the head of your dick. Now attempt to roll your hood forward and over your fingers. It’s like docking another cock, only you’re using your fingers. This exercise depends on you having your fingers inside your foreskin for it to be effective. In time you’ll be able to add three fingers, instead of just two. This will stretch your foreskin to the point you’ll be able to easily retract it over your erect dick head.

46-33-03.jpgExercise 2 — Grab each side of the foreskin opening and gently pull each side apart. Stretch the opening till it’s stretched with a tension you can tolerate, but not actually painful. Hold for a count of 10 and release. Repeat for 5 sets of 10 pulls per day, more if you can handle it. Here’s a tip, these stretches are best done after soaking in a warm bath or a long hot shower.

Exercise 3 — This is a variation on exercise 1. Insert a smooth cylindrical object into your foreskin opening, like the cork from a wine bottle. This object needs to be just large enough to stretch the skin without pain. Once inserted, leave it there for as long as you can during the day, or for over night. As your foreskin stretches you want to swap one object for another with a larger diameter. If a wine cork is too big to start with, consider a smaller smooth wooden or plastic dowel. You can find these sorts of things at the Home-O Depot, don’t ‘cha know. You might need to use a bit of surgical tape to keep these stretchers in place.

These exercises may sound a bit invasive or uncomfortable, and perhaps they will be at first. But they’re nothing compared to getting cut as an adult. In a short period of time you will achieve the success you are looking for. Remember, properly caring for your foreskin will insure that you’ll be able to keep this amazing piece of your anatomy. So that when it’s time for you to become sexually active it will work flawlessly and exponentially increase your pleasure.

Good luck

Name: tony
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: houston
I’ve loved several women and even married and divorced one. Over the last few years, I notice having similar feelings for men around me…longing, sweaty palms, difficulty thinking and wanting to be with them alone. Is this love? Am I bisexual? Am I a sick man better of dead? I have not crossed the line and I still having great sex with women. But there’s now a guy that I think about when I’m with her! Am I gay? Bisexual? Sick in the head?

My first reaction is that what you present is not particularly uncommon. Many people, just like you, inexplicably find themselves behaving in a completely unexpected sexual manner. I’d love to know what triggered you to veer off your comfortable and predictable sexual path?

gayshower-e.jpgThere’s never a scarcity of sexual fascists out there, people who believe that sexual tastes and preferences are carved in stone, or there’s only one “right” way to be sexual. They’ll persecute anyone who doesn’t conform to their strict immutable notions of sexuality and eroticism. Despite the proliferation of these hetero-fascists, homo-fascists and what have you; they are all very wrong about the indomitable human spirit.

For the most part, humans are not sexual automatons. Given a more permissive and sex-positive culture then our own, we’d all be more fluid in our eroticism and sexual expression. Are you one of the lucky few who has discovered the joy of this fluidity? Doesn’t quite sound like it to me, at least not yet. I think you’re still in the “scared shitless” stage.

For a guy who has yet to “cross the line” and actually act on your fantasy, you sure are preoccupied with your identity. Are you afraid that someone will take away your breeder card if you actually touch a dude in a sexual way? Does having same-sex feelings…sweaty palms and all…make you a gay? Doubt it! Being gay entails a lot more than a sense of longing for something you’re not supposed to have. Are you bisexual? I can’t say for sure, but you’re certainly not exclusively straight either. I suppose you have to come to grips with the self-identify thing when you have a bit more information about your burgeoning homoeroticism. What I know for sure is that you are not sick.

Who knows, your homoeroticism might very well be situational. It might not extend any farther than the guy you think about when you’re fucking chicks. I know all of this is can be pretty disconcerting and it can really mess with your head. But at least you know you are still alive sexually. So many people are sleepwalking through their erotic lives.

Will you act on your inclinations? Will you test the waters, so to speak? What harm could it do? Might just open up a whole new sexual world for you. On the other hand, if you do nothing, or try and repress these natural feelings, you’ll always know in your heart of hearts that you have the desire, if not the capacity, to express yourself sexually with a much wider range of humans than what you are currently used to. And something tells me that if you choose the path of self-denial, it will eat away at you until you satisfy your curiosity.

Good luck