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A budding kinkster’s dilemma

Hey DR

Well, I don’t know where to start, my name is Todd I’m 21 and from Eugene Or. I need to know if feeling the way I do is OK?

Well I’ve had a thing for voyeurism and BDSM for a some time now. I guess it started out by me just liking to push the boundaries of what was the norm, you know like wanting to do it in a movie theater or the park. However, things like that soon stopped giving me the same feeling, so I started to look more into bondage and kink. I liked what I found but at some point I passed what every one else I know thought was OK. Every time I feel like it’s OK to tell a girl what I want they just look at me like WHAT? They all say that they will go along with it, but I can tell that they’re not in to it. I don’t want to make any one feel like that.

I’ve tried to have a normal relationship but no matter how hard I try it just can’t work out, like my ex, she worked so hard to get where I was coming from. Any man would be lucky to find a girl as amazing as her but no matter how much I loved her I felt like I was empty. To her, kink was doing it in the morning; I soon found myself numb and board. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know where to find someone like me.

I hope you can find time to help me DR.
TODD

From what you tell me there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you besides being rather sexually precocious. Most people your age are just finding their way through more traditional expressions of sex. You simply have much more advanced predilections. BDSM sex is indeed an acquired taste and it is often acquired and practiced by people more senior than you. So nothing too out of the ordinary there.

that kinky stuffI suspect that you will continue to be frustrated in your search for like-minded partners in your peer group. And being in a relatively small college town doesn’t help matters all that much either. Your only salvation will be the internet. As you probably know, BDSM sites abound on the web. But before you launch your search for prospective partners, you’d probably do well to learn some of the lingo. There are plenty of resource sites out there that can help you identify who you are and what it is you want. Do a search using keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress, Submissive, etc.

Most kink sites, like FetLife feature bulletin boards and/or member profiles. Once you get your bearings and have a grip on some of the vocabulary, you could set up your own profile. Be as clear and candid about what it is you want as possible. I encourage you to immerse yourself in this subculture, because the more information you have the more enlightened your future partner choices will be.

When connecting with other pervs online, be courteous. You’ll no doubt encounter an array of lifestyle choices and sexual proclivities, some of which may be off-putting to you. Remember, you are a guest in their world. Leave your uptight judgments and provincial attitudes at the door. You’ll have to earn the trust and respect of this community if you ever hope to be taken seriously by them.

You don’t really say what sort of BDSM you are into. Nor do you identify yourself as either a Dom or a sub. But how you identify yourself and what you say about what you are into will, no doubt, color your search for partners and playmates.

I have another resource for you. It’s a communication and relationship-building workshop in book form and it is written specifically for budding kinksters, just like you. The title: The Gospel of Kink; A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For. Gospel of Kink

The Gospel of Kink’s innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.

The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.

The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.

The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.

The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.

its_only_kinky_the_first_time_post_card-r8cd39596681e48d4b13fd87f07c01435_vgbaq_8byvr_512In the BDSM world, being a Dom or sub is a state of mind. It isn’t necessarily about a particular sex act, it certainly isn’t a game, it’s not merely role-playing; and for the most part, it is not gender specific. The best Dom/sub relationships are those that express a mutuality of care, concern, and trust.

Finally, I caution you against so easily dismissing your partners when they don’t immediately live up to your expectations. This young woman you mention sounds like she might have been able to rise to the occasion with a little support, encouragement and tutelage. You can’t be throwing the baby out with the bathwater, my friend; that’s just not gonna be helpful. In fact, you might consider inviting someone, this woman perhaps, to read The Gospel of Kink along with you. That way you both could learn together. I can assure you your time will be well spent.

Good luck

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Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Beginning Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

The most frequent questions I get are from your average Dick and Jane, (or Dick and Dick, or Jane and Jane) who want to spice up their sex life. Inevitably they describe the kind of sex they’re currently having. And almost universally the description makes this grown man cry. Jeez, the boredom. How do they stand it? It’s a wonder any of them are having any sex at all.

What is it with the humdrum, run of the mill, and the “we’ve always done it that way mentality?” Are ya’ll afraid that if you add a little something new to your sex chore, from time to time, that the sky will fall? Holy cow!

Today’s tutorial is another attempt to motivate you to get off your butts and make something interesting happen in the sex department. We’ll begin with what was once called foreplay.

First off, I hate the word “foreplay” because it suggests that all these really great sex activities are only a lead up to a single “more important” activity — fucking. It also implies that ya’ll can dispense with the one in order to hurry up and get to the other. And that, my friends, is always a huge mistake.

do-not-disturb.jpgFrom now on I want us to banish “foreplay” from our vocabulary. Instead let’s start using “Sex Play.” It says it all, and it makes no suggestion that anything in particular must follow.

I’m of the mind that we’d all be better served if we thought of sex play as a continuum of pleasure and pleasuring — with a beginning, middle and an end. If you ask me, our sex play ought mirror our sexual response cycles — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution. That way we’re less likely to overburden one particular activity at the expense of all the others. Get it? Got it? Good!

Experienced sex fans agree; the best sexual encounters include an extended period of sensual play at the beginning of most sex play. This brings increased pleasure to both partners, and will make whatever else that might follow more satisfying. Just remember, sex play can be a meal in itself.

Sex play brings spice to the encounter because it gets our motors started. Even all you major sex athletes out there who are perpetually primed for sex will benefit from some hearty sex play. It will help cool your jets and make the encounter last longer than a firecracker. And I know that you know what I mean!rose-flogger

In our hectic rush around world, sex play is particularly important. It helps us transition from the daily cares and woes to the realm of sensual pleasures. The workaholics among us need more time to become fully aroused. Their minds are still filled with the junk of the day, and not yet ready to give or receive pleasure. And pleasuring and being pleasured takes a big attitude shift from that of the rest of the day. In fact, if you’re gonna approach sex and pleasuring with the same mindset you have on the job or with the kids, give it up now and be done with it. You’ll only walk away from the encounter disappointed.

Heart PadlockSex play primes us for maximum pleasure. Men will have the time we need to come to full erection and women will have the time they need to properly lubricate. By the way, this is called the arousal stage in our sexual response cycle. But you probably know that already, right?

When we stop thinking of sex play as “foreplay” we realize there is no such thing as spending too much time giving and getting pleasure. If sex play evolves into full-on fucking — SWELL. Both partners will be fully aroused and fucking will flow naturally and effortlessly from the pleasure enjoyed at the beginning of sex play.

Sex play can include everything from chocolate and whipped cream to whips and chains. But let’s not get too far ahead of our selves. Let’s start at the beginning of sex play. Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being helped out of our daily wear and into something sexy or nothing at all can be very arousing. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. We could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living, but there’s more about this in another tutorial — The Big Tease; How to Strip for Someone Special.Kama Sutra Body Souffle

Creating the right sex environment is important too. Make sure the room is warm. Proper lighting and music will surely add to the mood. Scents are also important. More and more people are incorporating erotica into their sex play — reading a sexy story together or enjoying some hot porn will make the encounter memorable.

Most women complain that their partners don’t kiss long enough and rush the kissing to get at their pussy. Guys, what the fuck? You want pussy? Use your mouth to maximum advantage kiss and nibble all over everything. Literally devour your partner with your mouth. Believe me, if you do this right, by the time you get to her pussy she’s gonna want to give it up big time.

Sex play is the perfect time for setting the mood for all that might follow. It’s a time for sharing fantasies, role-playing, dirty talk or some full body massage. Always have some nice lotion available then use your hands, forearms, feet and elbows to knead your partner’s muscles and naughty bits.

GOK small coverCertain areas on the body are more hot-wired than others. It’s your job to find each and every one your partner has. As you massage vary your strokes and touch to stimulate your partner. Roll your fingertips across his or her nipples and behind his or her ears as you kiss him and tease her with your tongue.

If you’re doin things right, your partner will be moaning with pleasure. If she or he starts getting impatient it’s time to bring out the restraints. There’s nothing like some hot erotic bondage to punctuate your sex play.

While your darling is subdued and possibly blindfolded, crank things up a notch. Add different sensations and stimuli, a warm chocolate sauce followed by ice cream. A fur mitt followed by a Loofah. Introduce some sex toys — a vibrator, tit clamps, or an anal stimulator.

Don’t forget to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask for some feedback and direction. Do you like this? Or do you like this better? Never presume to know what your partner likes simply because he or she liked it before, this is a recipe for boredom and the dreaded bed death. If words fail you, SHOW your partner what you want. Then encourage your partner to do the same to younipple_clamps.jpg.

Sex play is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying and applying those things to their greatest sensual advantage. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in your brain. Sex play is as much of an art form as it is a necessity.

Finally, the basic premise behind all of this is that a great lover is one that gives pleasure because it is its own reward, not a means to getting something else.

Good luck ya’ll

The Erotic Mind of Stella Harris — Podcast #406 — 02/10/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

The delightful literary artist, Stella Harris, is back with us again today for Part 2 of her turn on this The Erotic Mind show.bookstore-2-BW

Besides the great conversation we had last week, Stella read from her work and she like totally steamed up the joint, don’t cha know. With a little luck I think I’ll be able to prevail upon her to cast another smutty spell today. So stick around, it’s gonna be quite the ride.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #405 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Stella and I discuss:

  • Her nom de perversion;
  • Becoming Stella;
  • Writing dirty letters to a lover good practice for writing erotica;
  • Strangers on the internet and local dungeons;
  • Fellow Portland resident, Tonya Jone Miller;
  • Fetishes and turn-ons;
  • Erotica/sex writing/romance/porn;
  • Her inspiration, Shanna Germain;
  • Advice for the novice writer.

 

Stella reads from her work in The Big Book of Orgasms.

Stella invites you to visit her on her beautiful site HERE! Her Facebook page is HERE! And her Twitter feed is HERE!

(Click on the cover art below to discover volumes featuring Stella’s work.)

BigBookofBondageCover kinky sex cover-small Shameless cover Strummed - cover-med SuddenSexCover love burns bright cover OrgasmsCover Calendar cover

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

The Erotic Mind of Stella Harris — Podcast #405 — 02/03/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

Do you realize that we haven’t had an edition of The Erotic Mind series since last October? Well it true! And that ain’t right. As you probably know, this is the show where I chat with noted erotic artists, both visual and literary, from all over the freakin’ world. Today we turn our attention to the literary end of the spectrum and we travel to the wilds of Portland, OR to visit with the delightful Stella Harris.

StellaHeadshotRed

Stella is a renowned author. Her prolific output often features lots of edgy kinky stuff. And I’m guessing, if I ask real nice, Stella will read from her work for us. It’ll be perfectly steamy stuff, I guarantee! It’ll be the ideal antidote to this mid-winter’s chill and gloom.

Stella and I discuss:

  • Modeling, Editing, Writing, Consulting, Teaching, and Kink coaching;
  • Literary Pin-Up Calendar;
  • Her nonprofit background;
  • High-heeled purveyor of smut;
  • Writing from the perspective of different genders and sexual identities;
  • The booming fetish and BDSM sub-genre of erotica;
  • Erotica, the gateway to a better sex life.

Stella reads from Strummed.

Stella invites you to visit her on her beautiful site HERE! Her Facebook page is HERE! And her Twitter feed is HERE!

(Click on the cover art below to discover volumes featuring Stella’s work.)

BigBookofBondageCover      kinky sex cover-small      Shameless cover      Strummed - cover-med      SuddenSexCover      love burns bright cover      OrgasmsCover           Calendar cover

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg





Bum Rap

Name: Skye
Gender: Female
Age:
Location:
The reason I am writing is because my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we’ve been having some problems with sex. The problem is that I have difficulty getting to a climax. The problem with this is that my boyfriend feels like he has not accomplished anything if he can’t get me off (which generally nobody is able to do). The only way that I am able to climax is during anal sex and my boyfriend does not want that all the time and has become skittish about doing it at all because of some difficulties with this earlier in the relationship (I am not very experienced).
This issue is starting to drive a wedge between us, and neither of us wants to break up over this. So we are asking for some advice as to what we can do, or what we can try. One thought that I have had is that maybe I am nervous when I’m with other people because while I have difficulty climaxing when I’m with somebody, I have no difficulty at all when I’m alone.
Please give us any advice you can, or point us to somebody who might be able to help us.
~Skye

Ok, let’s take this apart piece by piece, shall we? You’re unable to cum through partnered sex, despite the willingness of your BF to try and please you as much as humanly possible, right? But you are orgasmic; I mean you can cum when you are by yourself, right? This suggests to me that you are suffering from performance anxiety. a150455_xlf

While performance anxiety is mostly talked about in terms of men and their erection problems, they don’t have a monopoly on the annoying issue. It’s an arousal phase concern and we all have an arousal phase regardless of our gender.

I’d be willing to guess that since you say you are not very experienced with sex, you may be creating a level of anxiety that short-circuits your pleasure. Sad to say, this often plagues younger women the most. Young women tend to have less self-esteem. And if they are new to sex, they may not know what they are doing, which can be not only frustrating, but also distracting.

So let me ask you a few questions. First and foremost, what’s going on in your mind when you are having sex with a partner? Are you focused on the pleasure you are giving and receiving? Or are you focused, like so many people on something other than that?

a96261_xlfIf your mind is busy with how you look, or how you smell, or if you are wondering if that birthmark of yours is too obvious. Or if you’re worried about how accomplished you are at performing a particular sex act; then you may have performance anxiety. If you anxious about what your partner thinks of you, if he’s turned on by you, or loves you, or is just bangin’ away at you like a side of beef; then you may have performance anxiety. If you’re afraid to let go and have a screamin’ meme of an orgasm, because it might not look lady-like, or you’re not sure you can trust the person who’s bumpin’ you enough to just relax and enjoy the ride; then you may have performance anxiety.

It also appears from what you say that your BF could also be developing a complex since he’s unable to pleasure you to climax. So let’s see if we can nip this in the bud before it gets to be a full-blown dysfunction.

Many women report that their partnered sex is not as satisfying as their solo sex, because they’re not able to stimulate themselves in the same fashion in partnered sex as they do when they’re jillin’ off. If you are self-conscious about showing your partner the particulars of gettin yourself off, or too intimidated to incorporate a vibrator in your love making, you might not be getting the kind of stimulation you need when you need it. Thus you might be aroused, but not to the point of lettin’ one loose…if ya catch my drift.a6402_xlf

I am also very curious about another thing you mention. You say; “The only way that I am able to climax is during anal sex and my boyfriend does not want that all the time and has become skittish about doing it at all because of some difficulties with this earlier in the relationship.” That’s downright amazing. Butt fuckin’ get you off, but not traditional, cock in cooch, sex? Holy cow! How did you come to be so well acquainted with anal sex when you claim you are not very experienced with sex in general? I’d be very interested in hearing more about that, don’t cha know.

Finally, may I suggest that you and the BF take advantage of Dr Dick’s How To Video Library. It is chock full of swell videos that you guys can watch together. This might be the very thing ya’ll need to break open a conversation about the kind of sex you are having as opposed the kind of sex you both desire.

a168705_xlfA lot of the videos in my library will teach you how to ask for what you need and want. How to shake things up and add some spice to your sex play. You’ll learn new ways of pleasuring one another. And, most importantly, how to relax and enjoy yourselves. Once you guys learn how to effectively communicate with one another about sex, you will have gone a great distance in clearing the air of unnecessary sexual anticipation. You’ll both be able to relax into the event itself and enjoy yourselves more. Here is just a tiny sampling of titles to look for:

Women’s Sexual Satisfaction
Personal Touch: Toying With Pleasure
Nina Hartley’s Guide To Couples Sexploration
Expert Guide To Female Orgasms
Guide To Bondage For Couples

In my How To Video Library you’ll be able to search by stars, like Nina Hartley or Tristan Taormino. You can search by Directors, like Michael Perry or Jamye Waxman. Or you can search by topic, like cunnilingus, toys or anal pleasure. And the best part is that this wealth of information is right there at your fingertips.

Good luck

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