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Down To Clown


Name: Daniel
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Chicago
One of my good friends and I had sex. This would not be so strange if it weren’t for the fact that he was both identifying as straight AND homophobic. Even stranger, he initiated everything from the kissing to the blowjobs, and I have to say, he was damn good at keeping teeth out of the equation. But he won’t date me, and even after the second time we had sex, he refuses because I’m too good a friend and that he doesn’t see me like that. He claims not to be attracted to me, and I think that’s bull. Nobody held a gun to his head and said, “Have gay sex now!” Even worse, he wants to bang one of our mutual friends who happens to be female, so his good friend comment is worth shit. I’m for the most part over him, but it still feels like a slap in the face. Any advice?

crazier than yourselfWhat we have here, Daniel, is a dude with a huge rift between his sexual practices and his self-perception; between his secret eroticism and what he thinks others know about him. Needless to say this is a very dangerous psychological dilemma for him or anyone like him. It’s no wonder he identifies as homophobic, pup, because indeed he is. At least he knows himself that well.

If you haven’t discovered this already, lots of homophobes indulge in the very thing that disgusts them. That’s why is so easy to see through all the bluster that these conflicted individuals make. You see, it’s like a smoke screen. They spew a lot of hate in an effort to disguise their lust. It’s one of those; “me thinks you doth protest too much” sorta deals.don't mind straight people

You also rightly point out the falsehood of the whole “too good a friend” argument that he uses to avoid dating you. As you probably can guess his hesitation to “date” you has absolutely nothing to do with friendship. He loathes himself for what he finds inside himself. And while he may dabble in the very thing he hates in private; he sure as hell doesn’t want to parade his shame around by publicly dating you — an out and, I assume, proud gay man. Right?

Oh, and that, “for the most part, I’m over him” statement is, I assume you know, gay-speak for “still carrying a big old messy torch for the fucked up monkey.”

peek-a-booFinally this incident oughta feel like a slap in the face. Ya know why? Because it was a slap in the face, darling. And you know what slaps in the face are supposed to do for us? That’s right, they’re supposed to wake us the fuck up. And they’re supposed to sting like hell afterward. This painful aftermath is intended to ward us away from getting to close to that particular stimulus ever again. Think of it like baby learning to avoid the stove after burning his had touching a hot burner.

So, ditch this dude, pup. If ya don’t, you can look forward to a whole lot more slaps in the face.

Good luck

Touchy Little Bugger

Name: Lilla
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Location: Evansville, IN
My BF and I have been together for a three years. We have a great sex life together…or we did. Recently he asked me if I would be interested in some anal play — me inserting something in his butt. I thought ok; lets give it a try. After some fumbling around the first time, (I was very self-conscious) I really got into it. It was very empowering. I never imagined how different it is inserting a dildo into someone as opposed to being inserted into, if ya know what I mean.
We were both having such a good time and I could see that he was totally turned on by the play.
After one of these very fun sessions I made an off-handed comment that all the butt play was going to make him gay. This innocent remark had an immediate and devastating effect on him. It was as if I had slapped him in the face. He stormed out of the room and sulked all the rest of the day. I told him I was just a joking. But he didn’t believe me and now there’s no butt play at all. In fact, there’s not much sex between us anymore.
I really screwed up, I know. I had no idea he would react this way. Is there anything I can do to redeem myself? I feel absolutely dreadful.

Wow, touchy little bugger, isn’t he? What we have here is some unresolved masculinity issues on the part of your novice butt-pirate BF. Too bad he’s cutting his nose off to spite his face instead of dealing with his issues in an up front way.

And just to put your mind to rest, Lilla, this implosion was bound to happen sooner or later. I know you feel bad about triggering it, but it’s not really your fault.

In his defense, we can chalk up your BF’s regrettable response to you poking (no pun intended) fun as the result of a lifetime of homophobic conditioning. One can only guess at the virulent anti-gay messages he’s received throughout his lifetime there in one of the reddest of red states. I think we can all agree that Evansville, Indiana is no San Francisco, California.ShameHands

All us men, including all us gay men, have some vestiges of homophobia inside us. And some have a whole lot. It’s regrettable, but that don’t make it any less true. This fear we all carry around inside of us can turn us inside out. It can get in the way of us accepting and loving ourselves for who we are, if we are indeed gay. And this fear can lead us to all kinds of destructive antisocial behavior against others if we are straight.

I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that tells fag jokes and laughs loudest when he hears the same. I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that raises an eyebrow (and possibly even a fist) when he encounters an effeminate man. I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that over-compensates for even the slightest perceived feminine tendency within himself. I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that has a very structured and uniform notion of what a woman’s place in society should be.

stubbornI added this last one, because I’m convinced that the root of all homophobia is actually a fear and hatred of women. In the worldview of most men, masculinity is privileged, making it superior femininity. To these men, it’s an affront to their world order to see any another man behave in a less than masculine way, even if that behavior is in the privacy of his own bedroom. This strict sex-role stereotyping has them in a strangle hold, choking all the joy and pleasure from their lives.

One can only imagine the massive internal conflict your BF must have struggled with before he asked you to bugger him. Imagine his chagrin when the only person in the whole wild world he’s ever opened up to about this mortifying desire of his; turned around and make a joke about it…and a fag joke on top of it.

I know, I know, you didn’t mean it to be a fag joke, but it was one nonetheless; at least in his mind. Your harmless little comment went to the heart of his insecurities. He had been found out, as it were, and the tables turned on him. And all he was left with was his shame. How enormously sad!

Can I tell you a story? Early in my therapeutic career I had a couple come to see me for marriage counseling. They were a pretty conservative heterosexual couple with two preteen children. They were both prim and proper and neither one had so much as a hair out of place. Can you say: buttoned down?homophobia2

When I got around to asking them to tell me what was wrong, the wife broke into sobs. She couldn’t talk. I thought to myself, “this is gonna be juicy.” The husband hung his head in shame and began to spill the beans. After 10 years of marriage he finally got up the courage to ask the little woman for some oral sex. Apparently she was mortified at the suggestion. Good girls don’t do that! It took another two years of supplication before she finally relented and gave him his one and only blowjob.

I was spellbound as he recounted the fateful night that he finally got his wish. His wife, on the other hand, was completely beside herself, holding her face in her hands. With a little prompting from me, the husband continued his story. The blowjob started out very tentatively. The little woman was doing all she could to suppress her natural inclination not to gag as she got closer to his johnson. But then she finally relented. And, after all those years of patiently waiting and fantasizing about this moment, she took a deep breath and wrapped her lips around the head of his dick.

He was so overjoyed and completely lost in the moment when somehow he let pass from his lips, the unfortunate word — cocksucker — in reference to the mother of his children down there between his legs smokin’ his pole. Where this word came from; he couldn’t say. It wasn’t a word he could ever remember consciously using before in his life. But there it was on that night of nights. And that, dear Lilla, was all she wrote. Before the husband knew what was happening, his wife spat out his boner with a yelp and fled to the bathroom to wash out her mouth with soap.

From that night to weeks later when they found themselves in my company, not only were there no more blowjobs, but no nookie whatsoever.

It took us weeks and weeks to uncover the root of the wife’s aversion to oral sex — giving or receiving. An unhappy childhood, an abusive father, catholic guilt, countless messages about sex being dirty, low self-esteem and her being pre-orgasmic all fueled her disconnect with sex in general and oral sex in particular. This coupled with the unfortunate and untimely exclamation by the husband was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Isn’t it amazing how one word can short-circuit the whole shebang?

homophobia002I suppose you see where I’m going with this, huh Lilla? Your little comment triggered a landslide in your BF’s psyche. The delicate house of cards he was able to assemble to hold on to his homophobia and still take it up the ass, was simply not strong enough to withstand the word “gay,” joking or not.

Clearly your BF has issues. But I’m probably telling you something you already know. I can’t really say if there’s a possibility for the two of you to overcome this on your own. Is there any chance your BF would acquiesce to some counseling? If yes, that would be the way to go. He needs to do a bunch of reprogramming on himself, don’t cha know.

If counseling isn’t in the cards all I can suggest you do is stroke his masculinity as much as you can. There will be a price to pay for this, but maybe you’ll be able to address that later. You can tell him that you’ve been reading all over online about how much straight men are getting into ass play these days. How they are throwing off the yoke of their ass-phobia and enjoying all the god-given sensations their backdoor has to offer. You might even offer up your pucker by way of example.

If he ever does relent and allow you to touch him “down there” again that would signal that the crisis is over, but you won’t be out of the woods quite yet. If the ass play does resume, you could chat him up sometime (not in the bedroom though) as to why he had such a virulent response to your joking. If he is honest with you, he will tell you what you already know from reading my response here. And I’d be willing to bet my last dollar on that.

Good luck

Simmer Down

It’s Product Review Friday again! This week I have Part 2, of a two part series, aimed at the men folk in our audience. This week’s product, as well as last week’s product, come to us from the ingenious people over at Bodispa.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all of our reviews in the Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews Archive. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in “Giddyup” and PRESTO!

Dr Dick Review Crew member, Jack, of Jack and Karen is here with his review.

PRO-LONG R 15ml —— $24.95

I outted myself on the job last week. I hope this doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass one of these days.

There are very few people who know that Karen and I do these reviews for Dr Dick. We like the anonymity and we like having a little secret that only a couple of our closest friends know about. But there’s this guy at work, who is about 20 years younger than me, who treats me like his wise older brother. And let’s just say he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. At any rate he is forever telling me about his sexual conquests. Except that most of the time it’s failure instead of conquest. He is absolutely clueless about women.

Karen thinks he’s adorable, in a young and dumb and full of cum sort of way. So she says, “He looks up to you, why don’t you try and help him out. Think of all the wear and tear you will prevent on all the poor women he dates.” Karen was right. The kid’s not a bad lot, just clueless.

So I start telling him some of the things I’ve learned about women and sex and he’s like all mouth-agape staring at me in wonder. “Dude, how do you know all this shit?” I tell him, “I’m a fuckin’ genius, that’s how I know all this shit.” And this is where I make my fatal mistake. I tell him about the Review Crew. He doesn’t believe me, so I show him the Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews site and I point out one of our reviews. He says, “Hey, that ain’t you; your name ain’t Jack!” I tell him, “We don’t use our real names, Sherlock!” So he says, “Well I’ll be damned.”Pro-Long R

My coworker’s biggest problem is he doesn’t get laid enough. No surprise there, I suppose. And because of that, he jerks off all the time. This I understand completely because I used to be just like him when I was his age, a wankin’ maniac. Because he beats off all the time, and always does so in a hurry he has trained his body to cum with very little stimulus. This gives him a hair-trigger, if ya know what I mean. When he’s on a date and about to get lucky, he no sooner get his pants off when he blows his load. He has become so self-conscious about this that he’s afraid to even ask a chick out for drinks. This inevitably leads to more desperation and more furious masturbation. A vicious cycle, no?

So I tell Bobby, that’s my coworker’s name, “I have something I want you to try. I think it will help.” And this is where I introduce him to today’s product, PRO-LONG R. It’s a desensitizing spray for men. It’s very effective, fast-acting, and is super easy to apply, discreet too.

PRO-LONG R is formulated for guys like Bobby. I know we all joke about PE (premature ejaculation), but it’s no laughing matter. Poor Bobby is a wreck over it all.

Of course, before I could recommend PRO-LONG R to anyone, I had to try it myself. I was immediately impressed. Here’s what ya do. 5-15 minutes before the action begins, ya pump on a few sprays (3-8) of this stuff on your cockhead and the underside of your unit. Let it sink in and dry and you’re ready to rock on. Seriously, that’s all that’s to it.

PRO-LONG R contains a 7.5% benzocaine solution, the active ingredient. Apparently, benzocain is safer than the alternative, lidocain, which many other desensitizing products use. I did my homework, and sure enough, I found benzocaine in several over the counter remedies from ointments for hemorrhoidal relief, gels for toothache pain and sprays for sunburn relief. Who knew?

The first time I tried PRO-LONG R there was a slight burning sensation. It wasn’t awful or anything; I must have had some kind of abrasion on my cock (pulling my pud too much or too hard?) because the alcohol in the product stung as alcohol does. As soon as the product sank into my skin and dried, the sensation went away. There was no redness or any other kind of irritation, so I guessed we were all good. The second time I used the spray there was no burning sensation at all.

And here’s something you should know; PRO-LONG R is certified by Health Canada.

I’m gonna tell you what I told Bobby. Use a condom when you use PRO-LONG R. There’s two good reasons. First, a condom will further decrease some of the sensations in your dick, which is a good thing when you have PE. And second, on the off chance that some of the PRO-LONG R hasn’t completely sunk into your skin; you don’t want to pass on any residue to your partner. You don’t want their parts—pussy, or ass, or whatever—to be desensitized, just because you need to work on your orgasmic control, right?

So you’re all probably wondering about Bobby, huh? Here’s the thing, PRO-LONG R worked for him too. He’s still a doofus and he has lots to learn when it comes to the ladies, but now he’s feeling better about his control. PRO-LONG R boosted his confidence too. So good on him!
Full Review HERE!


Conversation Piece

Hello sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday! And this week we welcome another new company to our review effort — the makers of the Moodsign This interesting adult product is supposed to help you reshape the way you communicate with your intimate partner.

Here to tell us all about Moodsign is Dr Dick Review Crew members, Denise & Ken.

The Moodsign and Card Game —— $39.99

Denise & Ken
Ken: “When Dr Dick asked us to review the Moodsign, I asked him; ‘what the hell is it?’ He said, “well, it’s not a sex toy, per se, but it is a device that is supposed to help a couple communicate about sex. And it comes with a card game that looks like fun. Would you guys like to give it a try?’”moodsign-packaging-front
Denise: “I glanced over at Ken while Dr Dick was telling us this. And I thought Ken’s eyes were going to roll out of his head. He does the eye-rolling thing so often; I don’t think he knows how obvious he’s being. So before Ken could open his mouth again, I chimed in and said, ‘sure, we’d be happy to review it.’ Ken nudged me and flashed that ‘are you serious?’ look at me. I pretended not to notice.”
Ken: “Ok, so maybe I was being a little transparent, but I couldn’t imagine how a gadget which lights up was gonna get me laid more often. And lets be honest, that’s what we’re talkin’ about here, right?”
Denise: “Tactful! But I did see his point. Ken and I both love sex, but our schedules are such that we often miss opportunities to have a little fun because we can’t read one another’s mind. I thought, if the Moodsign did nothing more than help us with that, it would be a winner.”
Ken: “Well, when she puts it like that, I began to understand. Maybe this is a good place to stop and tell you what the Moodsign is. It’s a sleek hard plastic thing that stand, about 5” tall. It has two clear plastic arms, one on each side, that can be raised to make a signal. Additionally, the arms light up, (powered by 3-AAA batteries, not included) and can be cycled through several different colors. Once I got over myself, I began to see how something as simple as this could actually make a huge difference in letting Denise know that I’m up for a little slap and tickle, I was sold.”moodsign-rabbit-style
Denise: “Listen, I already know that Ken is ‘up’ for ‘it’ just about all the time, but now I had a way of signaling to him that I too was ‘up’ for ‘it’ and I could even be really specific about the kind of ‘it’ I might be up for. This was a game changer. Once Ken and I familiarized ourselves with the Moodsign, we decided to map out our own secret code for one another. Since the lighted arms can point down, outward, and up, we decided that this would signify our interest in and availability for some kind of sexual intimacy. If Ken was hot to go, he’d raise his lighted arm all the way up. I could then respond by raising my lighted arm to ‘hot-to-go,’ ‘maybe,’ or ‘not now, but thanks for asking.’”
Ken: “And then we designated a code for the colored lights to correspond to the kind of intimacy we were into — ‘cuddling,’ ‘making-out,’ ‘sensual massage,’ ‘fucking,’ that sort of thing.”
Denise: “I suggested that we reserve one color for non-sexual communication, like when we get into argument. We could signal to one another that we are ready to talk about whatever it was that set us off. The more we used the Moodsign, the more versatile it became. I found it really delightful and amazingly helpful.”
Ken: “You want to know what I like best? I like that Denise and I can pretty much carry on this really dirty conversation with one another right in front of the kids and they remain clueless. I mean, they’ve seen us fiddle around with the Moodsign, but I just told them it had something to do with work and they were fine with that.”
Denise: “Yeah, the secret code thing is way fun; it’s like being a kid again. I know it sounds silly, but why shouldn’t sex be fun and even a little silly from time to time? There was this one time that Ken and I got our signals crossed, so to speak. I was expecting a backrub and he was expecting a blowjob. Instead of getting all freaked out when we realized the mix up, we just laughed and laughed. In the end, he got what he wanted and I got what I wanted. Why didn’t someone think of this before now?”card_quid_pro_quo
Ken: “Before we conclude we should mention a little something about the card game that came with the Moodsign. You don’t have to buy the cards, but the package we got from Dr Dick the cards were bundled with the Moodsign.”
Denise: “The cards are color coded, some are blank. All are intended to spice up a couple’s sex life. You can use the cards in conjunction with the Moodsign or on their own. There are fantasy cards, customizable cards, and ‘quid pro quo’ cards. The Moodsign website has some playful suggestions on how to use the cards, so you’ll want to check that out. The cards are very hetero-centric, so keep that in mind.  But the Moodsign is for anyone in a relationship.”
Ken: “Ya know; as strange as this sounds, the Moodsign has actually improved our communication skills. I guess sometimes a unassuming gadget, like the Moodsign, can make a pretty big change in a relationship.”
Full Review HERE!


Oh The Humanity

Name: Ron
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Florida
So to start I am completely straight. So I don’t understand why about two years ago I attempted to give myself fellatio. And after I came out of my horny rage I realized what happened and have felt totally disgusted and mad at myself since then. And now every time I masturbate I relive that horrible day in my head. As I said I’m straight and secure in that fact but is it normal. Do other straight men attempt this?

Here’s a little something I’ve learned over the years, sex fans. Anytime someone starts off his message to me with the words “…I’m completely straight” I can absolutely guarantee that he’s not absolutely straight!Im-Not-Gay-Poster

I don’t care what follows the dreaded words, “I’m completely straight” because, regardless of what the person says next; I already know that my correspondent is scared shitless that deep down inside he’s a big fat flamin’ gay homosexual, don’t cha know. And that goes double for you, Ron.

Here’s a tip ya’ll: no completely straight guy would ever let the first thing out of his mouth be “I’m completely straight.” No completely straight guy would ever feel the need to say that, because he would be totally confident that everyone already knew that.

So Ron, just listen to yourself, why don’t ‘cha already. A man who is comfortable in his own skin, regardless of his sexual preferences, is not gonna freak out in disgust and anger when he explores the amazing capacities of his own body, even if that involves tryin’ to blow himself.

However, a dude who has something to hide, a fella who has a little secret, a stud who is afraid of what might be lurking inside; now that guy is gonna freak out…just like you did, Ron. And not only did you start out your question with that ill advised comment, you went out of your way to tell me again how “straight and secure” you are at the end of your message. And now you can’t even pull your pud without being horrified by this one insignificant incident. I can smell your internalized homophobia from here, darling.

Had you spared me the editorial comment about “being completely straight” and just started out by saying that you tried to blow yourself one day and then got confused to its possible meaning, if it had any meaning at all. Then I would have been able to tell you that men of every possible sexual predilection at one time or another either try or fantasize about giving themselves a hummer. It’s the fuckin’ Holy Grail of self-pleasuring, honey.

So you can relax, girlfriend, your secret is safe with me. It’s too bad about the jerkin’ off thing, though. Imagine never being able to grab your piece in peace. Imagine being reminded of your horrible little secret every time you want to hand yourself a little, much needed relief. Can’t honestly say I’d want to live like that. But if you do…

Good luck

Name: Steve
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Philly
This has been a question on my mind for quite some time. I’ve searched all over the internet, but can’t find an answer. A friend of mine directed me to your website, and spoke very highly of you.
So here’s my question: If you drank someone’s urine after they’ve used narcotics (cocaine, marijuana, etc.) would these substances then show up in your own urine analysis drug test?
Recently I met someone and we both played with watersports. And of course, we began to drink it. Afterward he mentioned that he like to ‘dabble with pot’ now and then. He didn’t seem high at the time; of course we had been drinking a lot of beer.
I get tested for narcotics at my place of work. These tests are random tests given by the government. Failing a drug test could lead to losing my job, and now I’m so paranoid about this.
I hope to hear back from you, with any advice you may have. I have a feeling I’ll be taking more caution with this in the future.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this email.

I’ve written and spoken a lot about watersports in the past. If you check out the CATEGORIES pull-down menu in the sidebar, you’ll find all the postings and/or podcasts there. You’ll find watersports under the KINK category.

The short answer to your question is: “Prospective pee drinkers should be aware that there are numerous drugs, both pharmaceutical and recreational, that pass through the body either only partly metabolized or entirely un-metabolized; like those nasty amphetamines and their derivatives. Cocaine also falls under the rubric. So it’s all together possible to get really high from drinking a druggie’s piss.”

Just remember, my friend, you are what you consume…at the dinner table or the urinal.

If you are worried about random drug tests, I suggest that you don’t drink the pee you’re playin’ with. Enjoy the watersports till your heart’s content, just don’t swallow.

Good luck

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