My husband and I only have masturbation sex because he say’s he can’t feel me anymore when we make love. He says he still loves me, but he says I’m very loose down there. And I know why too. We have three wonderful boys — 12, 9 and 6. All were big babies and all three were vaginal births. And I don’t think I ever rebounded afterwards and now that I’m older, well things are not like they used to be. Is this the end of sex for us?
A very common complaint, Nola; I write and talk about lax pelvic musculature a lot on this site and in my private practice. Sure there is hope for regaining muscle tone, and it’s not particularly difficult to achieve.
Let’s start with a bit of an anatomy lesson. You have several pelvis floor muscles the one we’re most concerned with is called the pubococcygeus, or the PC muscle. It supports and holds in place the internal sex organs for both women and men. —Pay attention men, the following exercises can whip your PC muscles in shape too.— It’s attached to the front of the pubic bone and goes all the way around to your butt hole. When one’s PC muscle is taut and toned, a contraction can be felt all over the pelvic area — cock, cunt, clit and ass hole. So you see how important this muscle is to performance as well as pleasure for both women and men, right?
Still don’t know which muscle I’m talking about? Ok, try this — while taking a pee, abruptly stop and start the flow of urine. Can you do it? Lots of women and some men can’t. As you suggest, birthin’ babies is pretty traumatic to your pelvic musculature. These muscles lose tone with each successive delivery (not to mention the impact the aging process has on our muscles). If you can’t abruptly stop the flow of pee, then you’re gonna have to find the PC muscle another way. Try this, stick a couple fingers inside your pussy and squeeze. You may have to insert more than two fingers to find what you are looking for. But when you feel pressure around your fingers, you’ve hit the mark.
Consider this, if you are using more than two fingers to find your PC muscle, you can understand why your hubby ain’t gettin the friction he needs to get off through fucking, right?
Ok, so let’s work on some exercises that will tighten things up down there. These exercises are commonly called Kegel Exercises. You need to spend 30 minutes a day at this (twice a day would even be better). And I want you to commit to this regiment for two weeks. If you can’t commit this kind of time; then yes, you can say good by to fucking your husband ever again. If your sex life is important to you, you WILL find the time to do your kegels.
While lying on your back, or reclining propped up with some pillows, start by relaxing everything except your vaginal muscles. This will take some doing, so be patient. Remember, you have 30 minutes to fill. Insert your fingers in your pussy, and clench your PC muscle. You’ll want to LIFT UP while you do this, not bear down. If you’re tightening your abs, squeezing your legs together, clenching your butt, or holding your breath then you’re not exercising the right muscle.
I want you to work on both muscle strength and tone. With fingers inserted, start with five strong prolonged squeezes (5 seconds apiece). Squeeze, hold — 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 — then relax. Then do a series of 10 rapid contractions in a row. Doing three sets of these two types of Kegels during your 30 minutes a day is your goal. If you’re tightening your abs to finger your pussy, consider inserting a dildo instead.
Let’s go over that one more time. Start with five strong prolonged squeezes (5 seconds apiece). Squeeze, hold — 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 — then relax. Then do a series of 10 rapid contractions in a row.
When you’ve accomplished this you’re ready to increase the set to eight or ten prolonged squeezes and 20 rapid contractions in a set. The advanced Kegeler is able to vary the type and duration of her PC squeezing; slow prolonged clenches to quick flutters. And, darling, this doesn’t have to be drudgery. Add some up-tempo dance music and tighten and release your PC muscle to the rhythm. You will naturally vary the exercises and have way more fun too.
Hey, want to kick things up a notch? Combine you PC Exercises with jilling off! That’s right, darlin, throw yourself a screamin meme of an orgasm as you’re exercising. This is where a nice vibrating dildo will come in handy. You may find that you’re more likely to attend to your exercise regime if there’s pleasure involved.
Throw in some patterned breathing and pelvic rocking with your exercises. Rock your pelvis up, exhale and squeeze the PC tight. Squeeze, hold — 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 — then inhale, drop your hips back down and relax the muscle. Once you get the hang of this, reverse the exercise. Inhale while rocking forward and exhale while dropping back.
If you follow my instructions for this two-week exercise course, you will notice a marked improvement to your pelvic muscle tone. Won’t the hubby be surprised when you invite him for a fuck and he finds the taut and toned pussy of a woman half your age.
I am a 29yr old light skinned latin male, very healthy. Being latin, my skin has…well…you know…that tan color. Over the past 2-3 years I have been seeing these lighter color, almost white spots evolving on my penis and butt and thighs and elbows. It began with just one small spot on my penis, and over the years I got a more spots around the rest of the area. It’s to the point that I’m too embarrassed to have sex. It looks like the whole area down there is transforming into big ugly blotches. It definitely does not look healthy. Do you know what this is? Do I have some kind of sexually transmitted disease?
You appear to be describing vitiligo, a dermatological condition where the skin, often in the genital area, loses its pigment. This is not a disease, let alone a sexually transmitted infection. It’s a condition and it’s not all that uncommon. When you lose pigment, it leaves islands of white skin surrounded by your natural skin color, tan in your case. It’s kinda like a Palamino horse.
Medicine doesn’t know a lot about vitiligo. What is known for certain is that it is not contagious. It appears to be an acquired condition and may appear at any age, but mostly before 40. Genetics may play a part, as there is an increased incidence of vitiligo in some families. Vitiligo is more noticeable in darker skinned people because of the contrast with the white patches against dark skin. It seems to occur more often among people with an autoimmune problem. The depigmentation can be progressive for some people, although not everyone.
In terms of treatment, there aren’t any to speak of. Some claim modest success with a repigmenting agents or immunosuppressant medications. Some people, like Michael Jackson, go to great lengths and extremes to compensate for this condition. Obviously, this is not advisable. I mean, just look at him. I just can’t see how his untreated vitiligo would have been any less scary than what he’s transformed himself into? But that’s just me.
For most folks with vitiligo, myself included, our best bet is to make peace with our uniqueness, leave it alone and move on. I’ll admit it takes some getting use to, since the appearance of our skin is so tied with our self-esteem. But, those of you in my audience who regularly read my column, or listen to my podcasts, know that shit happens to our bodies. Birth defects, aging, disease processes, amputations, scaring, disabling accidents and disfiguring surgeries are all part and parcel of being a human. Those who successfully move through their problems and find their self-worth in a more holistic appreciation of themselves enjoy a fuller, richer life, which includes a full and rich sex life. If you need help pulling this together for yourself, Leo, support is available online. Just search for vitiligo support.
As for your sexual partners and the questions they might have; why not just be upfront about what’s goin on? Simply say you have vitiligo. It’s about pigment, not performance. And then show ‘em what ya got, baby!
Name: Peaches & Herb
Location: Washington DC
We’re a hip, 30-something couple and we’re looking for a little adventure. We want to throw a sex party. We know several couples who we think would be interested in joining us. But we’re not sure how or where to start. What do you suggest?
PS: Peaches & Herb are not our real names.
You don’t say! I would have never guessed! Peaches & Herb, indeed.
Actually, P&H, I hesitate to offer any suggestions, because it sounds to me like you guys are complete amateurs when it comes to swinging, if you are swingers at all. Throwing a sex party for a bunch of straight folks is not like hosting Sunday brunch, where all that could go wrong is serving an unsuitable wine with the quiche. A poorly planned sex party can be a catastrophe and destroy friendships and make instant enemies. If I were you, I’d start planning my own party only after I attended several other parties hosted by folks who know what the fuck they’re doing.
But to give you the benefit of the doubt I’ll offer a the these suggestion. First, I’d begin by asking myself what kind of party do me and the little woman want to host?
A sexy party — attendees dress in provocative outfits — lingerie and the like, get all liquored up, play naughty games, like “Truth or Dare” which evolve into group make-out session — where few risks are taken and nobody gets hurt if things go badly.
A sex party — attended by out and proud swingers. Here the agenda is obviously sex, but there are a shit-load of very important things to consider before the invitations go out. More about this in a minute.
An orgy — a no holds bared, check your cloths at the door, full-on sex extravaganza. This is kind of gathering is not for the novice. In fact, it’s more a gay sex party option than a straight sex party option. The reasons I believe this are coming up.
Whatever kind of party you choose, you’ll want to carefully consider the people you invite. It’s a good idea to always have some instigators on your list. You know, the folks who will be the first to make out, dance and shed their cloths. Established swingers are always a good choice for this. They’ll be less inhibited than the newbies.
Do you desire an equal male/female ratio? Couples only? Singles only? Straights only? No single men? Will you allow for bisexual expression, specifically the male-on-male type? Will you allow kink? Or will this be a vanilla party?
If you’re thinking of inviting relative strangers, you might want to consider screening them in advance. You’ll want to make sure the prospective guest will fit in with the others on your list.
Where’s the shindig gonna be held? Your home, a rented space, a hotel suite? If all goes well, the party will probably be loud and nude, so consider your neighbors and neighborhood carefully. Wherever you host, designate some areas as sex areas and some areas as rest/neutral/no-sex areas.
Will you serve adult beverages? If you do, how much is too much? Will there be food? Probably if there’s booze, there ought to be at least some food, right? Even if it’s simply powerbars and gaterade,
Music is very important to setting the mood. The wrong music — there goes the party. Your play space must be clean and warm with plenty of places to freshen up in. That will necessitate soap and water and lots of fresh towels. Muted lighting is essential, at least in some of the areas. Throw pillows are good. Vinyl sheets are practical. Or have your guests donate a set of clean sheets to the festivities. You need to realize that it will be a mess everywhere your guests fuck, what with all the lube and bodily fluids and the like. And there’s always gonna be accidents like spills, smells and skid marks, if you catch my drift.
Speaking of which, have lube, condoms, and latex gloves, baby wipes and what have you in every room you designate as a play space. Nothing sets the mood like some classy pornography playing in the background. Have your guests turn off their cell phones. And I’d also consider having a definite arrive time. No one admitted after a certain hour. New arrivals can ruin a mood, unless you’re sure they will blend in and get down to business immediately.
Sex party etiquette is essential. A lot of this will depend on the kind of party you’re hosting and the type of people you invite. But you should insist that your guests behave themselves…in a smutty sort of way…of course. Guests should be polite. No means NO! I would discourage guests who might just want to attend for the show. There are no bigger turn-offs than a lecherous gawker or an uncomfortable wallflower. Permission to join a grouping is mandatory. And a sense of humor is always appreciated, just so long as it doesn’t bust the mood. And finally, safe sex ought to be a must!
Good luck ya’ll