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Multiple Orgasms for Men?

Multiple Orgasms for Men? The Fascinating Technique That Might Open Up Whole New Sexual Experience

 

Women aren’t the only ones capable of a multi-orgasmic experience

By Carrie Weisman

As a society we carry a lot of entrenched ideas about sex. Perhaps one of the most deeply ingrained assumptions is that women can have multiple orgasms, and that men can’t. But is that really true?

In 1986, sex therapists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian put together the book, Any Man Can. They describe that by withholding ejaculation, men can experience “a number of sexual peaks.”

“The multi-orgasmic men we have studied have chosen to develop that capacity (stopping ejaculation using learned techniques)… The behavior itself (interrupting orgasm via such techniques) appears to be at least four thousand years old,” they wrote,

More than a decade later, sex educator Jack Johnston came out with a training program to help men work towards this experience. Johnston told me over the phone that he’s made it his life’s work to dispel the myth that only women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms.

“Men and women are physiologically a lot more similar than people realize. Vive la différence, of course, but in terms of the neurological capacity for experiencing the orgasmic impulses, we’re wired in quite a similar manner.”

He added, “I try to help reacquaint people with the idea that orgasm is an energetic event, and that for men, it’s not automatically linked to ejaculation. They’re two separate events. Two separate reflexes.”

In contrast to other “experts,” Johnston avoids conventional “squeeze techniques” that encourage men to stop just short of “the point of no return.” These techniques typically require that men clench pelvic floor muscles, slow their breathing and allow the urge to ejaculate to pass.

As Johnston explained, “That’s not really a whole lot of fun for anybody. You’re constantly monitoring, it’s like ‘Am I there yet? Maybe I can go a little further. Oh shucks, I went too far.’”

“My working hypothesis was that there’s got to be a better way than that. I don’t think our creator was sadistic in that way.”

Johnston’s program is known as The Key Sound Multiple Orgasm (KSMO) training. The “Key Sound” refers to a particular sound one can make while engaging in some light stimulation during solo (or partnered) practice sessions, separate from the act of intercourse. He insists the vibrations brought on by the sound can help “unlock” the key to multiple orgasms.

One satisfied client writes, “As the sensations became stronger, my vocal expressions became deeper and louder. I continued until I was so overwhelmed by this feeling I literally could not move anymore – pleasantly paralyzed by orgasm with no urge to ejaculate.”

But while most men believe penile stimulation to be the primary means by which to experience orgasm, Johnston recommends  guys bypass the penis and head for the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus) during their solo sessions.

Johnston’s refers to the perineal area as the “the male G-spot.” Part of his training revolves around “helping men locate that area of their body, and then, as part of the ‘Multiple Orgasm Trigger,’ practice to gently massage [the perineal] area just enough to get a little tingle, or a little rush.” Johnston calls these sensations “Echo Effects.”

“How does one increase arousal to orgasmic intensity without using lots and lots of stimulation? For men in particular, more and more stimulation tends to trigger the ejaculation reflex. So the idea is, in a sense, how do you learn to sneak up on the orgasm?”

“Very often, orgasm is centered right in the genital area, whereas the method that I teach tends to occur throughout ones body. One experiences arousal throughout one’s body. Neurologically, it’s all connected throughout the body, so the idea is to become aware of that. To become aware that when someone becomes aroused it’s not just in the genital area, those waves of energy start flowing throughout one’s entire body.”

On the official forum, one of Johnston’s clients reports, “As I am doing my sessions, I am really getting new sensations each time. Presently, I am feeling my prostate pumping (for lack of a better word) and this is causing me to get a slight erection. When my prostate pumps, it is sending pre-cum and I am beginning to leak a little. I have to stay relaxed because I feel that I could cross over and ejaculate. This pumping of my prostate are mini orgasms (I assume) and they feel great. My entire body is hot, shaking, and feeling really amazing. I can do this for about an hour and maybe a little longer.”

Another writes, “Tonight, after doing my 20 minutes and then sort of absent mindedly continuing, I do believe I had my first full body, non-ejaculatory orgasm. It just sort of came on as I was massaging the base of my penis, from out of nowhere–NOT like it came from within my body. It felt like a heat throughout my body, and a sort of giddiness, almost like the light, first rush of MDMA (er…or so I’ve read…).

“And the crazy thing was, instead of feeling like the orgasm was in me, it felt like I was in the orgasm–like it was surrounding and suffusing my whole body like a field of energy. Pretty wild.”

Johnston recommends that his clients practice the technique for 20 minutes every other day. He notes that ejaculation should be avoided on days devoted to practice.

He explained that in contrast to the “traditional” male ejaculatory orgasm, multiple orgasms typically arrive in “waves.” And since they aren’t linked to ejaculation, one’s energy doesn’t dissipate as it does when one ejaculates. He added that after having mastered the technique, most men come to prefer these kind of orgasms.

He continued, “It lasts so much longer. The after glow lasts so much longer too. It’s the kind of energy that can infuse your whole being.” He also notes that, after having completed the training, many men report experiencing more intense ejaculatory orgasms as well.

But mastering the physical technique is only half the battle. As Johnston explained, a good part of his training revolves around teaching men to expand their understanding of sexual pleasure, and open themselves up to the different means by which it can be attained.

He tells me, “There are a lot of people who think that it’s important for intellectual integrity to be really, really skeptical. I think it’s appropriate to have some skepticism, but it’s also really essential not to just be attached to being a skeptic. In the face of evidence to the contrary, one needs to have the intellectual integrity to consider it.”

“Once we learn the facts about our physiology, and what’s really possible. That’s a whole new world.”

Some people have years of sexual experience under their belt. Some don’t. But no matter where you land on the path of sexual self-exploration, it’s never too late to rewrite certain standards, and never too soon to start experimenting with different points of pleasure, no matter how obscure they may seem.

Complete Article HERE!

Should Shame Be Used to Treat Sexual Compulsions?

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The concept of “sex addiction” has become deeply embedded in our culture — people toss the term around pretty easily, and it’s the subject of TV shows, documentaries, and a profitable cottage industry of treatment centers. The problem is, as Science of Us has noted before, the scientific evidence for sex addiction being similar to alcohol or drug addiction is very, very thin, and it may be the case that people who believe or are told they have sex addiction actually have other stuff going on.

And yet, it’s undoubtedly the case that many people show up at therapists’ offices worried about sexual behavior that feels compulsive. How do therapists who are skeptical of the idea of sex addiction deal with these patients? That’s the question at the center of an interesting article in SELF by Zahra Barnes.

Barnes does a good job laying out the strong majority view that “sex addiction” shouldn’t be viewed in the same way as other, more scientifically validated forms of addiction, and she also contrasts the way different sorts of therapists deal with sexually compulsive behavior. As she explains, therapists who hew to the majority view often take a “harm reduction” approach to patients who are complaining of compulsive behavior.

“It’s humanistic, meaning it privileges the subjective experience of a person and doesn’t try to apply some external model on what they’re describing, and it’s culturally libertarian, meaning as long as they’re not hurting anyone, you allow people to behave the way that they want and give them the space to do it,” said Michael Aaron, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City and author of Modern Sexuality.]

This method can work for people troubled by their sexual urges and those with compulsive sexual behavior. “Rather than trying to change something, we need to acknowledge it and embrace it,” Aaron says. He offers the example of someone who has fantasies of traumatizing children sexually or being sexually violent toward women: “The harm reduction approach asks, can you play out some of these themes with a consenting partner?” The aim is to satisfy these desires with a willing partner instead of suppressing them, which can just make them stronger, he explains.

Therapists who do believe in the addiction model work differently, and where this difference manifests itself most strongly is in their approach to shame. While Aaron and other harm-reduction researchers try to stay away from shaming their patients, which they say can worsen compulsive behaviors, believers in the sex-addiction model see things differently:

“Sex addicts need to feel some shame about what they’re doing, because they are shameless. When people are shameless, they rape and murder and steal and pillage and get into politics,” [says Alexandra Katehakis, clinical director of the Center for Healthy Sex.]. But this is different from shaming someone, she says. “Shaming in an unprincipled way is out of bounds [for a mental health professional],” she explains. That would include saying or even implying that someone is disgusting based on what they’re doing. Rather, she asks questions designed to make someone reflect on what their actions have wrought, like, “What do you think that feels like for your partner?” It’s helpful, not damaging, she explains, because, “It challenges them to see what they’re doing, and it brings them into the reality of their behavior.”

It seems like one of the key philosophical differences here is the question of the extent to which people can control their most primal sexual urges. The therapists who don’t believe in sex addiction appear to view people’s sexual preferences (for lack of a better term given they probably aren’t preferences) in a holistic context — if people are “acting out” sexually in a way that harms others, it could be because of other stuff going on in their lives. You address the behavior by addressing the root causes. The believers, on the other hand, focus more on the urges and finding ways to address the behavior and urges in and of themselves.

These approaches aren’t fully compatible, so it’s no surprise there’s tension between the majority of sex researchers who don’t believe in the addiction model and the minority who do.

Complete Article http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/01/should-shame-be-used-to-treat-sexual-compulsions.html!

Everything about female orgasm and how to touch a woman

By Zoey Miller

How to Touch a Woman: Everything You Need to Know About the Female Orgasm

Are you wanting to become a better lover? Do you want to make a woman go wild? Is your ultimate goal to please a woman and drive her to the best orgasm she’s ever had?

If you want to learn to please a woman — and please her well over and over again — then you have to practice. With every encounter or relationship you have, you’ll build your skills and get better at knowing what to do. Every woman is different, and so you really won’t know what truly turns her on until you have the opportunity to interact.

The bottom line is that figuring out what makes her go wild is a journey and it will take time — but it can be a fun journey that is informed by research and practice. And if we’re talking about sexual encounters, then there’s nothing more fun than that.

If you’re ready to take your sexual encounters and your ability to please a woman to a new level, then read on to get our full guide that will lead you through everything you need to know — and everything you need to do to get better with every interaction. There are few things that are more of a turn on to a woman than to know her lover want to make her scream.

Let your woman know this, and she’ll feel a comfort level with you that will allow her to reach the place where she can let go and experience a real orgasm.

Are you ready to get started? Here’s everything you need to know about how to touch a woman right now:

Everything About the Female Orgasm

What is an orgasm?

The female orgasm — much like the male orgasm — at its very base is a physical, pleasurable reflex when the woman’s genitals relax during sex. During intercourse, the muscles in the body are tightened, and when the female orgasm occurs, they release and return to what is known as the pre-arousal stage.

Depending on a woman’s anatomy and unique being, she may be able to have multiple orgasms in a row. Following an orgasm, a woman is going to be sensitive because of the overpowering sensation of her muscle’s reflexes. That’s because the blood rushes to the vessels in her muscles to create that sensation.

What does the female orgasm feel like?

Every woman’s experience in feeling an orgasm will be different but some very common occurrences are a feeling of intense warmth or sweating, heavy or increased breathing, vibrations of various body parts and the urge to scream out in pleasure.

An orgasm will feel differently and will be unique to each woman, so that’s why it’s so important that a woman really know her body and be able to articulate what turns her on. If a woman says she has never experienced an orgasm, then that’s an opportunity for you to show her that she can.

This is addressed in more detail in the next section.

What if my female partner can’t have an orgasm?

If you’ve ever had a woman tell you she cannot have an orgasm, then it’s time to stop in your tracks and do a little pressing. What you may find is that some women may feel embarrassed or ashamed to let go and be turned on — or they may think they are taking too long to achieve an orgasm and believe that they are being a burden to you.

Still others may find it challenging to have an orgasm because anatomically, their clitoris is too far away from their vagina. Researchers have discovered that typically, if your clitoris is more than 2.5 centimeters away from your vagina, or roughly the tip of your thumb to your knuckle, that you may not be able to achieve an orgasm by penile penetration alone. That doesn’t mean they can’t achieve orgasm through intercourse. It just means you need to work a little harder and be little more creative to find what really turns on your partner.

A very low percentage of women — less than 10 percent — claim that they can achieve an orgasm by penile penetration alone. It’s more likely that your partner prefers and needs more than one method of stimulation. So from oral sex to masturbation to using a vibrator — there are many different ways you can get your female partner to reach climax. It’s just a matter of knowing her anatomy and what she prefers in bed.

Overall, however, it’s really important that you create a safe and welcoming environment for your woman to relax and really let go. In that trusted space, she will be able to open up to you and tell you what she wants — what she wants you to say, how she wants you to touch her and what her fantasies are. Those are critical clues that will help you achieve her orgasm together.

At first it takes a little work, but it’s all in love and fun — and once you get there, the two of you will have a renewed and special trust that will take you into the next bedroom encounter.

How to Touch a Woman

Create an Environment for Intimacy

You’ll want to start out the night by creating a safe, trusted and intimate environment that will make your woman feel comfortable and loved. Women like many different environments for sex, and again, no one woman is alike.

So you need to know your woman well. Does she respond to flowers, candles and romance? Does she want sex quick and dirty? Does she need a chance to unwind with a glass of wine or a hot bath? Whatever her triggers are for relaxation and comfort, you’ll want to deploy those for her.

What this does is let her know you are watching, listening and responding to what will make her feel most wanted and loved. So pay attention — or ask her — and that will go a long way in creating a better environment for being vulnerable when it comes time to making that climb toward the female orgasm.

Kissing is Key

If you want to give a woman an orgasm, kissing is going to be key. Lower yourself to her vagina and use your tongue to massage her clitoris with slow licks. Pay attention to her breathing as you are doing this, as you may want to speed up or slow down depending on how she is responding.

Some patterns think that if they do everything quickly, then that is a turn on. But that’s likely going to make her feel like she needs to perform and fake an orgasm because she knows it’s not going to come quickly.

Instead, ask her what is feeling good as you are doing it. Ask her if she wants more kissing, more tongue licking or flicking, or the speed to be faster or slower. If she feels comfortable with you, she will tell you what is feeling especially good.

Ask her to guide your head as you are giving her oral sex so that you know the exact position that feels the best.

A bonus move that works really well: Ask her to masturbate if she feels comfortable while you are kissing or licking her, as you can watch her do this and pay attention to where her fingers are going. She is going to know her body the best, and you can know the exact location of where your tongue or fingers should be next.

Start Out Slowly When Penetrating

Another urban myth about penetrating a woman with your fingers, also called “fingering.” You can’t do it quickly at first. If you’ll remember from the first section, a woman’s muscles are usually tight during sex. When she orgasm’s they contract.

Leading up to the Big O, her muscles will begin to relax and it will be easier to penetrate her and arouse her as you lead her to an orgasm. But at the beginning, start out slowly.

Use your mouth to apply a good amount of saliva to her vagina so that your fingers can slip in fairly easily. Start with one finger and move it very slowly back and forth. If you find that there is more room and that she is getting more aroused with one finger, try to insert two fingers.

Move those two fingers back and forth very slowly, while asking your partner if she is enjoying it along the way. If she is showing signs of discomfort or pain, stop. Communication is really key as you are participating in fingering because your woman will give you clues that she is ready for penetration with your penis.

If she prefers fingering over your penis, then continue in the method of moving your fingers in and out slowly. When she is just out of breath and close to having an orgasm pull out your fingers and begin using your tongue to rapidly flick her clitoris. Continue massaging the area around the clitoris as you are flicking it until she reaches orgasm and screams or sighs in delight.

You may not get verbal affirmation as not every woman is not a screamer. But, ask her if she is reaching orgasm and pay attention to her body. Usually a woman will become very sensitive and she won’t be able to handle you touching her in her vaginal region any longer. She’ll need some time to reset. Some women can have an other orgasm a few minutes later. Keep that communication open so you know what to expect and exactly what you need to do to get her to that place of absolute pleasure.

Should I Be Ashamed of Using a Vibrator?

We get this question a lot — and the answer is you absolutely should be willing to use a vibrator. It says nothing about you that your female partner is not achieving orgasm with your penis alone. It’s actually quite common that this happens because sex takes a lot of practice to get both partners to achieve that pleasurable moment.

So if this is the challenge that you are experiencing — or even if you’re not — try a vibrator! They are fun and safe to use. They come in a wide variety of sizes and textures so that you can experience different sensations. This is especially a great way for a woman who hasn’t been extremely communicative about what she likes sexually to experiment with and decide what she truly loves — and wants you to try to replicate!

Remember to Engage Your Brain

The ability to reach an orgasm is more than half of your brain. You have to exert mental energy to reach that level of being able to let go. If you’ve been able to do it, then it’s good to encourage your partner that it can happen for her as well.

Before you engage in any kind of sexual activity, sit down with your partner and talk to her about expectations and what she should expect out of you. Let her know that you are there for her — to pleasure her and to make her feel good. That’s going to put her at immediate ease and let her know that you are there for her. You’re not there to get the first orgasm. You want her to be happy first.

That’s a great first step along the way to working together to achieve the female orgasm — and your partner will thank you again and again for all of your effort along the way in your bedroom journey.

In conclusion, with this guide, you can get to the skill level you want and learn to please a woman in a way that will make her happy and confident in you. Remember that it does take practice — but don’t let that discourage you.

Learning to give a woman an orgasm is an enjoyable experience and you’ll feel more confident knowing that you have pleased her and that she is impressed with you and your abilities. That should empower you and make you feel good in the process of learning to be a better lover.

If you’re ready to experience that confidence, happiness, health and true skill — then continue implementing our guide in your practice sessions. Every moment you are with the woman you care about is an opportunity to learn what she likes, to better understand her body and to build trust with her so that she truly can let go and experience a real orgasm.

So many women end of faking orgasms because they don’t feel they can be honest with their partners. But if you take the initiative to truly understand what turns them on and to study their body’s response — in time, you’ll know exactly how to touch the woman you love to get her to that moment of pure ecstasy.

Complete Article HERE!

Happy in a low-sex marriage

By Nara Schoenberg

For many writers, it would have been an occasion to celebrate: Hazel McClay’s book group had chosen to read an anthology containing an essay that McClay herself had written.

But McClay’s essay was about being happy in a low-sex relationship, a sensitive topic in a culture where intense desire is widely celebrated. Hazel McClay is a pen name, so no one in her book group knew that she was the author; in fact, she hadn’t talked about her essay with anyone — not even her boyfriend, who had since become her husband. “This should be interesting,” she thought when she learned she would be hearing her book group’s unfiltered feedback, and so it was.

First, McClay sat through the comments of a woman who seemed to think the essay was a celebration of sexual relationships that start awkwardly but improve markedly over time. The woman explained — in some detail — that this had been her own experience with her husband.

An awkward silence followed, and when no one came to the speaker’s rescue, she turned back to the essay.

“This sounds like a wonderful relationship,” she said.

“Sounds like a boring relationship to me,” another woman said, and then she and her friend burst out laughing.

McClay, whose essays appear in the recent book “The Bitch Is Back: Older, Wiser, and (Getting) Happier” and the 2002 best-seller “The Bitch in the House,” is tackling one of the few remaining taboo topics in a time of marked sexual frankness. We have respectful news articles about the polyamorous, who openly engage in multiple romantic relationships, and we have blogs and Facebook pages for asexuals, who may have no interest in sex at all. A popular reality TV show, “Sister Wives,” tells the story of a man with multiple wives. But low-sex marriages that are neither unhappy nor dishonest? When was the last time you heard about one of those?

“It really is something under the radar,” said McClay, a writer and editor in her early 50s.

“There is a bit of shame attached to it because there’s kind of a pressure to be highly sexed and highly performing sexually in this culture. And so if you’re not, that’s considered to be a problem.”

A much-quoted 2016 study in the journal Social and Psychological Personality Science found that, on average, couples in romantic relationships who have sex once a week are happier than couples who have sex less frequently. (Having sex more than once a week wasn’t associated with additional happiness.)

But the study looked at averages; it didn’t rule out the possibility that some individuals are very happy in low-sex marriages.

About 40 percent of married couples in part of the study were having sex, but less than once a week, co-author ‪Amy Muise said in an email exchange.

Asked what percentage of that group reported being very happy, Muise said she hadn’t broken down the data in that manner.

In “The Bitch Is Back,” McClay writes that she and her husband, “Charlie,” laugh a lot, love each other deeply, and have a son who’s thriving.

“With Charlie,” she writes, “I felt, and still feel, like somebody in the world gets me; I feel, at the risk of sounding cliched, loved for exactly who I am. This is something that was missing in every relationship I had before him, including the ones that were filled with sexual passion. … Within weeks of meeting him, I loved him — his brain, his quirks, his humor, and the grounded way he made me feel. I still do.”

They don’t have sex often: at this point, once a month at most. When they do, she’s always glad, but for different reasons: Sometimes because the sex itself is really good, sometimes because she knows sex is important to her husband, even though he doesn’t press the issue or seem dissatisfied.

“I never crave sex,” she writes, “so if I never had it again, I don’t think I’d miss it. If I never had another brownie, now, that would bum me out.”

McClay does have her fleeting moments of self-doubt. At one point, she writes, she tried medication to increase her sex drive; it didn’t work. And there have been rare times when she’s missed feeling the kind of intense passion that makes “your bones seem to melt away underneath your skin.”

“I know that there are women out there who think that (a marriage like mine reflects) a very 19th-century Victorian attitude, and that that’s sort of horrifying to them. And I guess I understand why they would see things that way, and why they would think I had settled for something terrible, and that you should hold out for the whole package,” she said.

“But all I can say to that is, ‘Maybe you’ve never loved somebody the way that I love my husband.’ There are just too many good things here for me to throw it all away and go looking for something I might never find. And again, I can see people saying ‘That’s a very fearful attitude on your part,’ but I don’t think it’s fear. I don’t want to go. I want to be with him.”

Complete Article HERE!

Talking With Both Daughters and Sons About Sex

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Parents play a key role in shaping sexual decision-making among adolescents — especially for girls.

A 2016 review of more than three decades of research found that teenagers who communicated with their parents about sex used safer sexual practices. Likewise, new research from Dutch investigators who studied nearly 3,000 teenagers found that young adolescents who reported feeling close with a parent were unlikely to have had sex when surveyed again two years later.

Notably, both research teams found that daughters benefited more than sons, and that the effective conversations and relationships were typically had with mothers.

According to Laura Widman, lead author of the review study and an assistant professor of psychology at North Carolina State University, “parents tend to talk about sex more with daughters than with sons, and we can speculate that that’s what’s probably driving these findings. Boys may not get the messages as frequently or have the kind of in-depth conversations that parents are having with girls.”

Given the results of her research, Dr. Widman said that she “wouldn’t want parents to get the idea that they only need to talk to daughters. In fact, it may be the opposite. We need to find a way to help parents do a better job of communicating with both their sons and daughters so that all teens are making safer sexual decisions.”

That parents have more frequent conversations with their daughters about sex and sexual development may be prompted by biological realities. Menstruation, HPV vaccination (which remains more common in girls than boys), and the fact that birth control pills require a prescription might spur discussions that aren’t being had with sons.

Yet experts also agree that gender stereotypes play a powerful role in sidelining both fathers and sons when it comes to conversations about emotional and physical intimacy. Andrew Smiler, a psychologist who specializes in male sexual development, noted that women generally “have a better vocabulary for talking about feelings and relationships than boys and men do. Fathers may be a little more stoic, more reserved and more hands-off.” And, he added, “they may play to the stereotype of trusting boys to be independent and able to care for themselves.”

These same stereotypes can also tend to steer the conversation in one direction with daughters and another direction with sons. When parents do address sexual topics with their teenagers, they typically adopt a heterosexual frame with boys playing offense and girls playing defense.

“We usually view our girls as potential victims who need to be protected from pregnancy and rape,” says Sheryl Ziegler, a psychologist who provides mother-daughter seminars on puberty and sexual development, while boys are often cast as testosterone-fueled prowlers looking for nothing but sex. These assumptions often drive how parents approach the conversation. Dr. Mary Ott, an associate professor of pediatrics at Indiana University and the author of a research synopsis on sexual development in adolescent boys observed that, “when parents talk with boys, there’s an assumption that they’ll have sex and they are advised to use condoms. Whereas for girls, there’s more of a focus on abstinence and delaying sex.”

Parental concern about the negative consequences of adolescent sexual activity can reduce “the talk” to a laundry list of don’ts. Don’t get a sexually transmitted infection, don’t get pregnant or get a girl pregnant and don’t proceed without gaining consent. Critical as these topics are, Dr. Ziegler points out that they can “become the focus, so much more than having a quality conversation about why we are sexual beings, or talking about all of the ways we can express love.” And failing to acknowledge the pleasurable side of sex can, according to Dr. Smiler, hurt the credibility of adults. “When parents only acknowledge the scary side of the story,” he said, “teenagers can devalue everything else the parents have to say.”

So how might we do justice to conversations with both our daughters and sons about emotional and physical intimacy?

Over the years in my work as a clinician, I’ve come to a single tack that I take with adolescent girls and boys alike. First, I prompt teenagers to reflect on what they want out of the sexual side of their romantic life, whenever it begins. Why are they being physically intimate, what would they like to have happen, what would feel good?

Following that, I encourage each teenager to learn about what his or her partner wants. I urge them to secure not just consent, but enthusiastic agreement. Given that we also grant consent for root canals, gaining mere permission seems, to me, an awfully low bar for what should be the joys of physical sexuality. Dr. Smiler adds that any conversation about consent should avoid gender stereotypes and address the fact that boys experience sexual coercion and assault and “include the idea that boys can and do say no.”

Finally, if the parties are enthusiastically agreeing to sexual activity that comes with risks — pregnancy, infection, the potential for heartbreak, and so on — they need to work together to address those hazards.

Research suggests that this shouldn’t be a single sit-down. The more charged the topic, the better it is served, and digested, in small bites.

Further, returning to the topic over time allows parents to account for the rapidly shifting landscape of adolescent sexual activity. We should probably be having one conversation with a 12-year-old, an age when intercourse is rare, and a different one with a 17-year-old, half of whose peers have had sex.

Is it better for mom or dad to handle these discussions? Teenagers “want to have the conversation with someone they trust and respect and who will show respect back to the teen,” Dr. Smiler said. “Those issues are more important than the sex of the person having the conversation.”

How families talk with teenagers about their developing sexuality will reflect the parents’ values and experiences but, Dr. Ott notes, we’re all in the business of raising sexually healthy adults.

“We want our teenagers to develop meaningful relationships and we want them to experience intimacy,” she said, “so we need to move our conversations about sex away from sex as a risk factor category and toward sex as part of healthy development.” And we need to do so with our sons as well as our daughters.

Complete Article HERE!