Search Results: Being A Good Top

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A Spot of Heavy Breathing

Name: Bob
Gender: male
Age: 40
I’m a bisexual male. Recently I’ve been seeing this black guy, 25 years old, with a very big 9” very thick cock. We’ve been suckin’ and he’s been fuckin me. But most recently he’s been wanting me to get together with two or three of his friends and have a party. I mostly want to do it, but I’m a little scared. Would I be able to handle 2 or 3 guys? Would I be able to take all their cocks up my ass? I need some advice.

Bob, you are a little breathless, huh? I’m so delighted you stopped by with this tantalizing tidbit. So let’s get this straight, so to speak. You’ve got this heavy hung black dude, 15 years your junior, rockin’ your world with his thick 9”. Oh sure, count your money in front of the poor, why don’t cha? Say, all of us here at Dr Dick’s Sex Advice are wondering; how in the world did you get this dazzling urban specimen to tap your honky ass in the first place?

But there’s more…besides your amazing good fortune with this one fella, your young playmate wants to introduce you to a few of his big boned bruthas for some hot group action. Mmmm, how you do go on, sir! I suppose it’s only natural to be a bit intimidated, what with all that weighty pipe that will be swinging around. All I can say is I hope you film the event for posterity, darling. Because if you don’t no one, not even me, will ever believe you.

You want some advice? How could I possibly advise someone who can handle…and I quote “a very big 9” very thick cock.” If that’s truly the case, you don’t need nothin’ from me. Let’s just hope your hole will be able to withstand the massive gang fuck. And that’ll depend on one thing — you being as big of an insatiable bottom as you are a braggart. If you are, you’ll have no trouble at all.

Good luck…you’re gonna need it.

Name: Ben
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Location: New York, New York
Dr- I have read up on some of the questions you have answered and realized why my penis is curved. Because I began to masturbate in sixth grade! (The older boys on the bus encouraged me too) Now I know that this may sound dumb. But is there any way to fix this? I haven’t ever even had a blowjob, or hand job because I’m so timid about a girl seeing my penis. I’m also scared to call anywhere, and when the doctor asks me if I have any questions about my body I’m even to scared to say yes to that. Should I ask the doctor about it just too see if there is a way to fix my penis, or is there a natural way to fix it with a special kind of vitamin that I can take? Thanks a ton! -Ben

Hey Ben, why are you being such are a scaredy cat? I mean how bad a curve does your dick have that you would avoid a blowjob or even a hand job when offered? Is it really that misshapen? I mean, how many erect cocks have you seen in your short life span that you can say for sure that your unit is so fatally flawed? Can you be absolutely certain that the curve of your johnson isn’t just a normal variation on an otherwise handsome and hearty tool?

Listen pup, even a precocious masturbator like you is unlikely to change the shape of his willie simply by jerking off. That’s not to say that one’s dick can’t run into trouble from injury or abuse. For as hearty a plaything as it is, our cock, it is a relatively delicate instrument. When you get a woody, your cock is engorged with oxygen-rich blood, which is essential for the upkeep of the smooth muscle tissue. This kind of tissue makes up about 90% of your cock. So you can see how a healthy circulatory system is to a vibrant sex life.

If you dissected your woody and looked at a cross-section you’d see three distinct spongy tubular structures, each are made up of smooth muscle tissue. Two of these tubular structures — one on either side of your cock, both of which run the length of your cock — are called the corpora cavernosa. These marvelous structures become engorged with blood lifting and thickening your cock to erection. The corpus spongiosum, the third tubular structure is located just below the corpora cavernosa. This baby houses your urethra, through which urine and semen pass during urination and ejaculation, respectively. This may also become slightly engorged with blood, but less so than the corpora cavernosa.

An oxygen-deprived cock will build up a kind of plaque, which resembles scar tissue. This will cripple a dude’s rod (Peyronie’s disease) or rob him of his wood altogether. However, I don’t think this is the case for you.

So before you start tryin to “heal” or “fix” yourself with some contraption or herbal supplement visit a doctor first. If you’re too timid to make an appointment with your family physician, go to a free clinic, or neighborhood clinic near you. You’re living in the big apple for crying out loud; you have all these great resources available to you.

Good luck

The Well-Pierced Cock

Nowadays, body piercings are all the rage. And, as we all know, some folks can’t stop with just a few—which can lead to some humorous predicaments when being wanded by airport security. While I firmly believe in the right of every man to augment, embellish, or in any other way customize his equipment, it’s a personal decision. If it makes you happy, go for it. If it ain’t for you, just say NO.

Should I Get Pierced?
Here we have Chad; he’s 25 and lives in Alaska.

    My new girlfriend is five years older than me and she is a total freak. She has purple hair, five tattoos and seven piercings, including her labia. She wants me to get my dick pierced. I said I’d think about it, but she says I’m a pussy for putting it off. I know a lot of guys have piercings, but is it safe?

Sounds to me like your freaky-deaky girlfriend is badgering you to get pierced. That’s not good. If I were you, I’d tell her to back off ’til you can make up your own mind. It’s a good thing you’re being so thoughtful about this, because even though a piercing isn’t as permanent as a tattoo, there still are risks involved…more so than getting inked.

Piercings and Safety
As body piercings become more popular, many people try to outdo each other with the unusual. However, the most common piercings have their roots in the traditions of tribal peoples throughout the world. This is particularly true for genital piercings. Many cultures practice erotic piercing to enhance both visual appearance and physical arousal.

The first thing you should know is that body piercing is an art form. It is best practiced by well-trained, highly qualified, seasoned professionals. If you entrust your body to an amateur, you’re probably asking for trouble—so do your homework. As piercing establishments proliferate, some will be better than others. In most jurisdictions, piercers and their salons are required to be registered and licensed. You might want to check your local health department for information and recommendations.

Before you decide to proceed, visit the piercer in his/her shop. Ask questions. Ask them how they sterilize their instruments and jewelry. Autoclaving is the only safe method. Nowadays, all needles should be single-use instruments. They should be opened just prior to the piercing, and then disposed of immediately thereafter. If the shop offers other services, like tattooing, make sure the piercing is done in a separate room (for privacy as well as hygiene).

Most people are initially concerned with the pain involved in getting pierced. Depending on what you’re getting pierced, the level of pain can range from moderate to…well, a lot. And that’s just the beginning. Once the jewelry is in place, there will be at least two to three days when the piercing area is very sensitive to the touch. Because some areas of the body have more blood vessels than others—like your dick, for example—expect some blood loss and a lot of swelling post-piercing. Trust me; getting a boner afterward will be your worst nightmare.

That being said, you’ll be amazed at how resilient the body is. It has a phenomenal ability to heal itself. Of course, the practitioner should provide you with detailed aftercare instructions. These will outline all the procedures and aftercare products you’ll need to attend to yourself while you heal. A word of caution, if your general health is compromised in any way: if you are sick, run-down, overworked, or immune-compromised, your body’s ability to heal will be diminished and the risk of infection will be increased.

As you heal, any pressure on a piercing has the potential to aggravate and inflame the site. You’d best refrain from contact sports, manual labor, or anything else that’ll irritate your new piercing. Most piercings take a minimum of six weeks to heal. Wearing tight clothes, touching the piercing with dirty hands, contact with bodily fluids, rough treatment, and using inappropriate cleaning agents will further diminish your body’s ability to heal and increase the risk of infection. And don’t skimp on the quality of jewelry you choose, either. Cheap-grade jewelry can fuck up the piercing big-time. Look for medical-grade stainless steel, titanium or 18k gold.

Baubles, Bangles and Beads
Given all the pain and risks, you might ask, why do people bother getting pierced at all? Well, that’s pretty easy to answer. Piercing enhances sex by providing a greater degree of stimulation to one’s self and one’s partner.

(Click on the thumbnails below to see a slideshow of popular male genital piercings.)

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The most popular cock piercing is the Dressing Ring, otherwise known as a PA or Prince Albert. This piercing is named after Prince Albert, the husband of Queen Victoria of England. In his day, men’s pants were so tight; a guy’s johnson needed to be held to one side or the other so as not to create an unsightly bulge. To accomplish this some men had their dick pierced so it could be held close to their leg by a hook on the inside of the trousers. The ring enters your urethra and exits immediately behind your dickhead on the underside of your cock. A variation on this piercing is called the Reverse Prince Albert, which enters your urethra and exits on the top of your dickhead.

The PA is the fastest healing genital piercing and is considered the most sexually appealing of cock adornments. This piercing requires less cleaning than most since urine aids in the healing process. However some men, particularly those who sport heavy gauge jewelry, find they have to sit down to pee or they dribble all over themselves. You’ll need to allow at least one week of sexual abstinence post piercing and two to four months for it to heal completely. In the interim, always use a condom.

Other popular male piercings include:
1. The Frenum, which pierces through your frenulum, the waddle of skin on the underside of your shaft just behind your dickhead. This is the second most popular piercing after the Prince Albert. It heals quickly and there’s a minimum of pain and complications. It will also add a great deal of sexual stimulation. There are a couple of variations to this piercing: The Lorum, a piercing at the base of your shaft near your balls; and the Ladder, which is row of several frenum piercings from the base of your shaft to your frenulum.

2. Foreskin piercings, for the uncut guy. It comes down to us from when it was used as a chastity device for slaves. But today it’s all about adornment and sexual enhancement. Your foreskin can be pierced with either single or multiple piercings.

3. The Dydoe piercing is for the cut man. It pierces the ridge of your dickhead. Of course, this is only possible if you have a large enough edge to accommodate the needle and jewelry.

4. The Ampallang is among the least popular piercings, because it is a horizontal piercing right through your dickhead. And its sister piercing, the Apadravya pierces your dickhead, only vertically. You can choose it to be done above, under, or through the urethra. And get this—it’s best done when you have a boner. Ouch, bloody OUCH!

And just to keep you in the know, you can also have your scrotum (Hafada) and/or perineum (Guiche) pierced, too.

And on that note, I sincerely bid you good luck!

Overcoming a Fear of Sex: A Step-By-Step Process

All phobias can be overcome with some effort. The same is true for conquering a fear of sex. Here, I walk a young gay man through his trepidation with anal sex. We take simple, easy to accomplish steps to build confidence and dispel his apprehensions.

I’m gay, I’m a virgin, and I think I may be afraid of sex. In all the porn I’ve seen, the bottom guy looks uncomfortable and in pain— why would I want that? I’ve only done anything sexual with one guy, and I was so anxious that I couldn’t even get it up. I liked the guy, he was hot, and I enjoyed all the foreplay type stuff, but I just couldn’t do anything else. Any advice on how to get over this?

First thing—don’t ever look to porn for your sex education; you’ll surely be misled. Second, that grimace you report seeing on the bottom’s face as he is being penetrated may be a grimace of pleasure, not pain. I think you may be projecting your own discomfort on the guys in the movies.

Let me tell you a little story. Recently I was strolling in the park with my dog. We were each, in our own way, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of nature in its glory. As we walked along, we encountered a father and son who were deeply involved in what appeared to be the boy’s first lesson in riding a bicycle—sans training wheels. Despite the father’s patient encouragement, the kid couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. He’d start out okay, but just as soon as his dad let go of the bike, it would begin to wobble and the boy would eventually crash. There were plenty of tears, a skinned knee, and the boy’s fear and anxiety were thick enough to cut with a knife.

The boy was convinced that he couldn’t ride on his own. His defeatism became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He finally gave up, sat down on a bench, his bike in a tangle at his feet, and refused his father’s pleading to give it another try. In his mind, the bike was the enemy; another attempt would only hurt and humiliate, and so the lesson ended.

What the kid lacked was self-confidence, a sense of adventure and probably more importantly—balance. I wish I’d had the opportunity to suggest to the boy and his dad that they try another ploy. I wanted to say, “Set the bike aside and work on that balance thing first.” This would surely increase the boy’s confidence, and it wouldn’t cost a blow to his ego or his knee—and it would be fun.

I’d have suggested the dad start by helping the kid walk on curb, balancing himself as he went. Then the dad could increase the challenge to include balancing on one foot, then the other. Once the kid discovered the power within him to accomplish these tasks, the bike could be reintroduced. The father would assist the boy in drawing upon his skill in balancing on the curb to master balancing on his bike.

The same will be true for you, Drew. Sex is nothing to be afraid of. Rather, it is a skill that one learns. Some, obviously, take to it quicker than others, but everyone can learn a happy, healthy sexual repertoire that will build self-esteem and bring great pleasure.

I want you to start exploring and enjoying your bottom on your own. Like the kid in the park, you need to acquaint yourself with the powers that lie within you. He needed to find a sense of balance; you need to find the Big Old Butt Pirate within.

Most all of the discomfort in anal sex is associated with your sphincter muscle trying to resist whatever it is being inserted. When this muscle resists to the point of spasming, things can become very painful. So here’s what I want you to do.

  • Before you start playing with your hole—relax. Take a relaxing shower, a warm bath, and/or try some deep breathing exercises to center yourself.
  • Have a ready supply of a water-based lube handy. Silicone-based lubes are swell for these exercises too. However, this type of lube isn’t recommended for use with a condom.
  • Start with a little self-pleasuring. Stroke your dick with your lubed hand and get into your happy place.
  • Gradually slather some of that lube on to your balls and taint. With legs open, find your hole and play with your rosebud. Gently massage the area around your asshole, but don’t slide your fingers in just yet. Simply get used to the sensations at the opening of your ass.
  • Let your play include the tip of your finger entering your ass.
    If you do this while you’re stroking your cock, you will find that your hole will actually open and invite your finger. That’s the great thing about pleasuring one part of your body while learning to pleasure another.
  • Once you are comfortable with your fingertip inside, try pushing it in further and move it around a little. Try pushing it and pulling it out of your ass. You know, like finger-fucking yourself.
  • Locate your prostate. (It shouldn’t be hard to find if you’re all horned up.) It will feel smooth and hard, like a flat stone. Give it a nice gentle massage. If you’re still stroking your wood, don’t be surprised if this prostate massage gets you to ejaculate. In fact, you will find that your prostate actually enlarges a bit and becomes more firm just as you are about to shoot. As you jizz, you’ll notice that your sphincter muscle will tighten around your finger and pulsate with each squirt.

Continue these self-pleasuring exercises until you’re comfortable inserting a couple fingers in your ass. Then try a small vibrating dildo. In no time at all, you will be ready to jump on your bike and ride…so to speak.

With these exercises behind you—no pun intended—the first time you actually fuck with a partner will be the incredible experience it is meant to be. If you encounter any discomfort, you’ll know what to do: deep breathing to relax and priming your hole with a lubed finger or two.

  • First, attend to your personal hygiene. Make sure you’re clean inside. This will help you avoid an unsightly and embarrassing mishap that might mess up the big event.
  • Remember to take it slow. There’s no rushing pleasure. Remember, you’ll be the one in charge of what goes in your ass, when, and for how long.
  • Warm up with some foreplay, kissing, sucking, licking, rimming, touching and massaging.
  • Have condoms and plenty of lube near at hand.
  • While you’re warming up, start loosening up your ass with your lubed fingers, just as you did in your self-pleasuring exercises.
  • Once you’re comfortable, offer your ass to your partner. Have him replace your fingers with his own. Try some finger-fucking first.
  • After you’re relaxed and loose, lie on your side with your partner behind you. Have him slowly push his cock against your rosebud.
  • Try pushing out like you are trying to take a dump. This will help open up your sphincter for his entry.
  • As he enters you, have him stop so that you can breathe deeply. Give your ass the time it needs to adjust to the new sensations. If there’s pain or discomfort have your partner reverse course and go back to finger fucking before you proceed.
  • Make sure that your partner knows that if you ask him to stop, he will stop. Trust is essential.
  • As he fills you with his dick he will hit your prostate. This will send waves of pleasure through your body and signal your sphincter to open for even more.
  • You may find that you’ll even want to push your ass back to meet and engulf his cock.

By the time this happens you will happily discover that you are riding your bike all by yourself.

Good luck!

Healing Sexual Trauma through Sensate Focus

One of the most difficult things for me to deal with as a therapist is the aftermath of sexual trauma. And I know that the trouble I have with this is only a tiny fraction of the difficulty my client has as he or she faces his/her past. I share with you a correspondence I’ve had with a 36-year-old man from Boston named Trent.

Dr. Dick,
When I was 10 years my parish priest molested me. It went on for over a year. Mostly, I’ve been able to put this behind me. I’ve been married over a year to this really great gal. She’s been very understanding and supportive, and we love each other very much. A couple of weeks ago when we were having sex, my wife started to massage my bottom. This was the first time someone touched me there since I was 10. At first it felt good, but then I remembered how I felt when I was a kid and freaked out. I started to cry. My poor wife was devastated at the thought of triggering this painful memory. I told her it wasn’t her fault, but we haven’t had sex since. I’m worried, but I don’t know what to do.

Working through a sexual trauma, like the one Trent experienced as a kid, is difficult. But it is essential for regaining a healthy sense of the sexual self. I told Trent—and this applies to any anyone else who has had regrettable early sexual experiences in their past—that I strongly suggested that he and his wife engage a sex-positive therapist to help them get back on track.

Many people have dealt with some kind of sexually related trauma in their lives.  However, some trauma is more severe than others. Emotional scar tissue and painful memories may linger, but you can learn to insulate yourself from the disruptive effects of the past in the present. Thanks to the indomitable human spirit, most of us live through our difficulties and go on to develop healthy, integrated sex lives.

Sensate focus is a process that helps individuals move through painful sexual memories and heal the rift between the affected parts of the body and the pleasure they can produce. I thought this technique would be of particular value for Trent because of something he’d said: “At first it felt good, but then I remembered how I felt when I was a kid and freaked out.” This tells me that he was able to enjoy the sensations before the association with the molestation kicked in and ruined everything. Sensate focus offers a way to short-circuit this disruptive connection and rewire it for pleasure instead of pain.

What follows are structured therapeutic touching exercises for couples. They are not a prelude to sex. You need to be clear on that. Your genitals will be involved. There will be pleasure and arousal, for sure. But the object of this process is to desensitize the trigger (in Trent’s case, his butt), then re-sensitize it for pleasure. These exercises take about an hour one day a week over the course of a month. If you embark on this course, make sure that you dedicate that kind of time commitment. Please, don’t short-change yourselves; this is an investment in your sexual health and wellbeing.

You and your partner will take turns being the one touched and the one doing the touching. Both of you will have 30 minutes to touch and 30 minutes to be touched: 15 minutes lying on your front; 15 minutes on your back.

Week 1—Breaking the Ice
Structured touching will be unfamiliar to you at first. I want you to use this first session to connect with each other in a sensual and playful way. I want each of you to explore every inch of your partner’s body from head to toe, first the back of the body then the front. This first week, however, avoid one another’s genitals.

This isn’t massage, where touch is directed toward pleasuring your partner. Sensate focus exercises are about gleaning information. Focus on how it feels to touch different parts of your partner’s body in a non-seductive way. Be aware of the different textures contours and temperatures. Use different pressures—heavy and light; different strokes—long and short. Use fingertips, palms, the back of your hands and forearms.

When you’ve finished the first 30 minutes, swap places. This will work best if the one being touched relinquishes control as much as possible. Keep verbal communication at a minimum. Once the hour is over, thank one another for the experience and get on with the rest of your day. Don’t try to process things right then and there, just sit with the sensations. Or better still; write your feelings in a journal that you might want to share later.

Week 2—Making Things More Interesting
Building on what you learned in the first week; this time, kick it up a notch by expanding the structured touching to include anal and genital areas. These are sexually charged zones, but the touch must remain non-seductive. Begin the exercise with some full-body touching before moving on to the new areas. Again, the emphasis is on obtaining information and awareness of physical sensations.

This is where things got a bit challenging for Trent. When his wife touched his butt, I told him I wanted him to want stay in the moment and focus on who was touching him and why. Trent’s wife was not touching him in a sexual manner; she was gathering information.

Staying in the present helps take the edge off. If anxiety builds, deep breathing can help you to relax. Your partner will probably be very nervous too, so breathing together can be helpful.

A guided touch technique can also be useful. Place one of your hands on top of your partner’s and guide it over your trigger area. Try using more or less pressure as you see fit. Remember your trigger spot is just like every other part of your body. Even though an early trauma has sensitized this area to be off bounds, sensate focus exercises will re-sensitize and reintegrate it with the rest of your body. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Week 3—Mutual Touching
This week, we move on to mutual touching. However, it must remain structured and non-seductive, both in the giving and receiving. Mutual touch will provide a more natural form of physical interaction than the previous weeks. You’ll also be shifting attention from how it feels to touch to being aware of how your partner is receiving your touch. Keep verbal communication to a minimum. Let your body tell your partner how you are enjoying the touch. If you must talk, assign a number code to the touch you are receiving: 5 being, ho-hum, 1 being Yowsa!

Remember, no matter how sexually aroused you become, this is not a prelude to sex. If you need to release your sexual tension, feel free to masturbate afterward. No partnered sex during the exercises. Okay?

Week 4—Bringin’ It Home
This last week of exercises continues the mutual touching, with a focus on overcoming any final reservations you have about your trigger zone and the pleasure you derive from it. More of your partner’s touch should focus on that area. For Trent, I advised that his wife include a nice lotion or personal lube for this investigation. (Touching with a wet hand is different from touching with a dry hand.) While concentrating on his butt with one hand, I suggested she fondle his genitals with the other. By playing with the energy around Trent’s sphincter, his wife was able to redirect it and help him reconnect his ass to the rest of his body.

Try receiving your wire’s touch in different positions. Being proactive will facilitate the healing. While she is touching your trigger area, move your butt toward her to meet the caress. You’ll immediately see how being in control will help you move beyond any remaining anxiety. You are not just being passive recipient anymore; you are actively involved with inviting the pleasure. If there are still reservations, take it slow until they too, melt away.

Once he’d freed up his ass for pleasure, I told Trent be sure to incorporate butt play into his future lovemaking repertoire, but I also reminded him to take as much time as he needed to resolve the issue. There is no quick fix. I assured him, though, with diligence and care, sensate focus would remove the fear and shame of the molestation, and replace it with a sense of wholeness, joy and pleasure.

Good luck

Making a Marriage Work; A Primer For Sexual Success

I’m preparing a workshop for recently engaged couples. I expect there will be about a dozen couples attending. While most of the participants will be preparing for their first marriage, there will be at least two couples working on their second marriage. My experience tells me that regardless of how many turns one takes on the merry-go-round anxiety about sexual compatibility, particularly for the long haul, abounds.

One of the best resources out there for those considering a sexually exclusive traditional marriage is Esther Perel’s controversial book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.  Her thesis is that increased emotional intimacy between partners often leads to less sexual passion. I’ve been preaching the same sermon for nearly 30 years. But I assure you; there are ways around this predictable stumbling block.

Here we have Paige, age 22 from Tulsa. OK.

I am engaged to a wonderful guy. I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail. I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work? Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?

First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you’re married. It wasn’t too long ago when that was the norm. But even people who enter marriage as established sex partners aren’t assured success.

I caution you to jettison any Pollyanna notion you might have about marriage being a breeze, or that all you need is love. These are dangerous fictions. Your recently married friends have problems because there are always problems in a marriage. It’s the nature of relationships. Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable, but sure as shootin’ problems will be your constant companions, even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.

You can also be assured that the problems you will encounter, regardless of their nature, will impact on your sex life together. Money concerns, the stresses of a career, kids, in-laws, you name it will all influence how you perceive your spouse. Nothing dampens ardor like financial difficulties or meddlesome relatives.

So Paige, rather than focus on the nature of your sex life as you enter your marriage, may I suggest that you concentrate on the bigger picture. And in order to do that you need to ask; why do most traditional, sexually exclusive marriages flounder? They crumble because they can’t bear up under the strain of the couple’s expectations for each other. Simply stated, they want too much from their spouse. They expect companionship, economic support and family for sure, but they also expect their partner to be their best friend, confidant and passionate lover. That’s a pretty tall order to fill for a single individual. Who wouldn’t have cool feet, or even be frozen in place, faced with those daunting expectations.

A lot of engaged couples overly concern themselves with the sexual viability or their relationship. My sense is that sexual concerns, by themselves, don’t tax a marriage to the point of breaking. You’ll notice that I said, ’sexual concerns, by themselves’. While sex and intimacy issues are indeed real and sometimes overwhelming, it’s the underpinnings of the relationship that bring these sexual issues into stark relief. Let me give you an example.

Say I’ve just spent 60 hours this past week at work; I get snarled in traffic on my commute every single day. I drag my sorry ass home to a loving partner, who may have been looking forward to an amorous night of sex play. But I’m completely fagged out, so to speak. I simply don’t have an interest in the old slap and tickle. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse; I do! I don’t have the energy to even squeeze one off by myself, let alone please and pleasure my partner.

Or say I’ve been caring for a house full of sick, ornery kids all day; and freaking out about our family’s precarious financial situation. I have barely the time and energy to rustle together some grub for the brood, when my loving partner, who may have been looking forward to an amorous night of sex play, arrives back at the homestead with stars in his/her eyes. I’m exhausted; and the idea of a tussle in the sack is the last thing on my mind. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse; on the contrary. I just don’t feel attractive, interesting, or more importantly, randy.

As these examples point out it’s not that the sexual energy has flown the coop. More often than not couples who face the tribulations of life together redirect their energy into resolving more pressing concerns than gearing up for sex. The reason I know this for certain is, if I were to take this stressed out couple away from the humdrum of their day-to-day, and land them on a tropical beach without a care in the world; I know for certain they’d fuck like bunnies.

Another example, say a couple is joined at the hip; you know the ones I’m talking about. Where one or the other partner can hardly take a trip to the loo without their spouse traipsing along. Many couples think this kind of closeness is a sign of their love and fidelity, and it may very well be for them. But I can guarantee this kind of familiarity will also stifle sexual passion. The truth of the matter is erotic fervor is dependent on at least a modicum of mystery. If I know my partner like the back of my hand, I’m less likely to see him/her as a sexual object; in the same sexual way as when we were courting.

This also can be proven. Why is the chick at work, who I have virtually nothing in common with, such a turn on? How is it that my yoga instructor, someone I hardly know and who pays me no attention, make me wet? It’s the mystery or the forbidden that jacks up the sexual tension.

The way I see it is passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. This kind of tension dissipates with time and it takes a great deal of work to keep that tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy; even though they may pay lip service to the notion that they want the passion to continue.

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship; regrettably this also includes sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the path of domestic tranquility. But the result can be the kind of sexual frustration so many married people report.

I’ve been to a lot of wedding; and I’ve officiated at more than I can count. I’ve helped numerous couples construct their vows. Generally the first thing they want to say to each other is something like: “I promise to be your best friend, your confidant; your constant companion. Sound familiar? I thought it might. What I never hear is: “I promise to always be up for all your hot monkey love.” Not only would that vow be a showstopper; it would be an impossible promise to keep, unless you’re a blow-up doll. Frankly, it’s so much easier being a best friend or confident than the sexual siren that will be the answer to all your erotic dreams after we’re married for a few years.

Sexual exclusivity is at the heart of the romantic ideal. That’s why sexual infidelity is such a bugaboo in our culture. But the truth of the matter is, sustaining a model where marriage is the font from which all fulfillment flows is simply unrealistic. Maybe if we expect sexual exclusivity from our spouse, we ought to manage our other expectations of him/her (best friend, confidant, etc.) more pragmatically.

I am of the mind that since more than 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce; we must look at the relationship model we are laboring under. Maybe the romantic ideal is simply an illusion. I mean we can’t honestly try to explain away the divorce rate by saying all these couples simply married the wrong people. Know what I mean?

The parameters of a healthy, successful marriage will need to expand and contract with the stresses put upon it; it is after all a living entity. The balance between dependence and independence will constantly shift; so will the power dynamic in the relationship. Carve these things in stone and you will be mark a grave, not milestones on a path to growth.

Good luck