Search Results: Being A Good Top

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Several Steamy Summer Solstice Sexual Situations — SOLVED!

Don’t you just love alliteration?

Summer is here…at least in the northern hemisphere. All hail Sol Invictus! Instead of being outdoors enjoying the beautiful weather we’re having here in the Emerald City, I’m stuck indoors, at this freakin’ keyboard. HELP! Maybe if I hurry up and get my homework done, my mom will let me go out and play.

Name: john
Gender:
Age: 58
Location: Detroit
married and testing the water, so to speak. Was with a man who is HIV and I swallowed a couple of drops of his cum. Should I be concerned/worried?

gettestedposter-english2.pngAhhhh, yeah! I’d sure enough be concerned, if I were you. I’d be concerned enough to get tested, that’s for sure — not just now, but again in 6 weeks or so. While it’s not overly likely that you’ve sero-converted by this incident alone, stranger things have happened.

I am of the mind that all sexually active people (especially you people who are being sexual outside of your primary relationships) be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections regularly…at least twice a year. All you sexual athletes out there should test every other month. You shouldn’t even think about it, you should just do it. It is painless, discreet, but most importantly, it’s the responsible thing to do. If you make it part of your lifestyle, then there will be no embarrassment associated with the trip to your doctor or the local clinic. Made this happen, people.

Good luck

Name: Frank
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: Brazil
I have never had sex with anyone before and i believe i am straight, as i feel attrakted towrds girls, but every now and again i like watching gay porn. is this a sign that i’m bisexual or gay? or is it just curiosity?

Can’t hardly say what you are, Frank. Maybe it’s too soon to be giving yourself a label.

What I can tell you is, I’m as queer as a $3 dollar bill (as we say here in America), and I sometimes watch straight porn. That sure as hell don’t make me straight…don’t even make me bi, honey. I guess that just leaves…curious, huh?

Good luck

Name: asianIndian
Gender:
Age: 24
Location: San Diego, CA
I have been masturbating almost everyday for the past 10 years now. Last year was the first time I tried to get laid off. It was with a 30 woman and I found that I was not able to retain the stiffness of my dick while pumping her. At the end I had to pull out and masturbate to ejaculate. I tried it couple of more women on different occasion and I faced with the same problem. All the three times I had to pull out and masturbate with my hand. I felt really embarrassed and I am afraid of going out with any other women. I also noticed that when I masturbate I do it vigorously and for a prolonged period of time. But when I was having sex I was not able to pump the women for more than 3-4 minutes, I felt part exhausted and my penis too looses its stiffness. How can I over come this major problem?

Name: tanya
Gender:
Age: 28
Location: ca
my boyfriend has trouble cuming durning sex.he can cum if we are doing anael or I give him a blow job. he takes a long time to cum if we do doggie style. but he cant cum most the time and he cant cum if hes on top. can it be metal or health wise? help please.

You guys are a real pair! I thought I’d respond to you both at the same time.

pic13981.jpgLots of guys find it difficult to cum in penis/vagina fucking. Sometimes there’s simply not enough friction due to flabby, out of shape untoned pussy muscles. Tanya darling, are you doing your Kegel exercises? You should be, if you’re not. If the BF can get off in your ass and with your mouth and hand, then that tells me you have more of a grip in these other orifices then you do in your whoha. It’s not the end of the world. It can be remedied with a little exercise.

Mr. AsianIndian, maybe your masturbation technique gives you more direct cock stimulation than what you get inside a pussy. If that’s the case, you’ll probably have to learn to masturbate with a lighter touch or find a tighter snatch. You could also try masturbating till you get close to shooting, and then stick it in again. Either way, there’s no need to feel embarrassed. Like I said, lots of guys can’t get off by fucking alone. Just like lots of women don’t have vaginal orgasms. They need to stimulate their clit for that.

Good luck

Name: james
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: lewes, de
is there a way i can make my dick bigger without pills. my dick is so small i cant do alot of the positions i like. i even slip out doin misonary. so can you help me.

Name: ali
Gender:
Age: 39
Location: glasgow
what is the best thinks to mack the (cock-peanas) biger)

Well. Boys, here’s the deal. Throughout history, men have obsessed with the size of their cocks. And when there’s that much attention paid to something that trivial, you can be sure there’s gonna be an entire industry poised to bilk the shit out of the willie worrisome, like you guys.

All of this unfortunate big-dick envy creates a never-ending parade of con artists tryin’ to sell a remedy, of one sort or another, to cure guys, just like you, of their “shame”. But, take it from Dr. Dick, the dick doctor; it’s all bullshit. And some of the bullshit is really scary and dangerous bullshit.

monsterpumped.jpgFor every little peanut out there, there is some kooky diet, ridiculous cream, bogus massage technique or worthless breathing exercise that is supposed to transform one’s mini-meat into the giant economy size. And let’s not forget the weights you can hang on your thang, the Vacuum device to pump up your thang. And of course the twenty-first century solution — cosmetic surgery — to put a happy face on your thang. The results are dubious if there are any results at all. And each has negative side effects, some of which are more revolting than others.

Here’s the last word on this — don’t waste your money on any of this crap. Or better yet, send me the money, and I’ll put it to good use. Here’s the very best advice I can offer a guy who is unhappy about the size of his schlong…learn to love what ya got and leave it alone.

Good luck

Name: spungee
Gender:
Age: 36
Location: canada’s capital (you figure it out)
hey. i am a big time anal fan, both giving and receiving. spouse and i have enjoyed anal for some years now, both me giving to her and me gettin pegged. my concern is that while she was really into it at first, she seems to have cooled down a bit recently when it comes to nailing me. any thoughts on how to warm things up again? cheers, spungee

b758.jpgI know what the capitol of Canada is, it’s Ottawa. I went to collage, ya know. I was gonna vist Ottawa, but then I heard it’s filled with Canadians.

Why did things fall off, so to speak? Is the pegging all about you? What’s in it for her? If you get pegged, what does she get? Maybe she’s just bored. Maybe she thinks you’re being selfish. Have you checked in with her lately? Maybe she wants to see you get nailed by the real thing. Ever consider replacing the dildo with 100% prime Canadian Beef?

Good luck

Name: Carlos
Gender:
Age: 24
Location: Colombia
does coffee have a negative effect on one’s erection? Does anyone know if this is true and why this would be?

Never heard of such a thing! Since Seattle is coffee central here in the good old US of A, I’m sure I would have heard of this, or seen some evidence of this here. I have not! Everyone here in Seattle has a huge stiff erection…all the time

Come to think of it, if you poured hot coffee on your unit that would have a negative effect your stiffy. That’s for damn sure!

Good luck

A Helping Hand, or Two

Do you ever just need a hand getting a grip on a hard throbbing problem? Well never fear, sex fans, Dr Dick is here to lend a hand…or two to all you sexually worrisome out there.

Name: Jose
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Norwalk, CT
how can i approuch a good stripper to get into sex? even tho they just stripper some make rule but if stripper off work, would some of them willing to do it?

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that English is not your first language, right Jose? I think I understand what you are asking. Let’s just hope that the women you approach will also understand you meaning.

So OK, you know this fine stripper and you want to have sex with her, right? Alrighty then! First thing you oughta know is that not all strippers are hookers. Some simply strip because they make good money. And don’t sell sex, well because they don’t have to. The ones that do sell sex, don’t do so where they strip. It’s bad for business and, I also hasten to point out, it’s against the law.

live-girls.jpg
There are two good ways to go about this hunt for stripper sex. First, you could ask the vixen out on a real date. I think this is the best way of going about gettin laid by any woman. If this particular woman is available for a sexual liaison, and you’re not a totally creepy dick-head, she might take you up on the offer. Just remember, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fucking with customers. If that’s the policy at the joint you frequent, let it go. Don’t pester the woman for something that will jeopardize her job. If she does accept the date, and all goes well, and you charm the pants off her, you might just get a little bump and tickle. I hope we’re clear on the concept that if any woman, especially a sex worker, accepts a dinner invitation it is not the same thing as saying she’ll fuck you, right? GOOD!

The second option is to ask the stripper if she does escort work on the side. Again, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fraternizing with customers in any way, shape or form, especially fucking them. You ought to know that if the woman in question is indeed an escort as well as a stripper, your “date” with her is gonna cost ya, don’t ‘cha know. These women are professionals; you’d do well to treat them with the respect you’d offer any professional woman.

Never, under any circumstance, offer to pay this woman…or any woman…for sex. That would be inviting prostitution, and that’s against the law — except if you’re in Nevada. If the woman in question is an escort, she will be exchanging her time and expertise for money; not sex for money. Get it? If she’s smart she won’t give you a second chance to get this right if you fuck up asking her the first time.

My advice to you is, figure out ahead of time which way you want to go — date or escort. Then approach her like a gentleman. If she’s not interested, respect her decision to decline your offer with some grace and dignity.

Good luck

Name: john
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: california
my penis when erect is slightly bent to left what should i do? will there be any problem while having sex?

You haven’t seen a lot of stiffies on other guys, have you John? Most straight guys are unaware of how their cock compares to other dude’s. If a guy, like you, doesn’t have a frame of reference, so to speak, he may even think his unit is abnormal. The fact is many men have curved cocks. Some curve to the left, and others to the right. Some curve up, some curve down.

wet.jpg
You’re clear on the concept of what creates wood, right? An erection occurs when two tubular structures that run the length of the penis, the corpora cavernosa, become engorged with blood. Imagine your cock is a baloon with two separate inflatable tubes on either side. If you put more air pressure on one side of the balloon than the other, the baloon will curve. Simple as all that! Many guys believe that a bent cock is caused by wearing tight briefs instead of boxers or that it’s caused by circumcision. These are myths. However, excessive, rough or heavy-handed masturbation during one’s youth can promote a curvature later in life. That’s why I always promote handling one’s pecker with care.

Since you say your dick curves only slightly to the left, I’m pretty sure this natural variation won’t be a problem in partnered sex.

Good luck

Name: Bryan
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Melbourne, Australia
I live about 45 mins outside the city and have always had a weight problem. I found that the easiest way for me to get off (or the only option for a long time) was to meet guys at beats or online. These were never really guys that I found attractive, and ones that I felt that I was simply resorting to to fulfil my needs. I also found myself taking a submissive role rather than my preferred top, just in order to get sex. Now that I am older, I am able to meet guys that I actually like, however I find that it takes forever for me to come. I like being active but I can never come just from sex, and even when I get head jobs, I cant come just from head jobs, I end up needing to jerk myself off and it takes a very very long time. I cant help but be cerebral and need to think for a long time to create a scene, something that I needed to do when I didnt find the guys attractive, but I cant stop this now when I actually do like them. Also, I cant come unless I am lying on my back and jerking off. Which is difficult as I like being dominant and active. A part of me thinks that it’s because I jerk off too much, or because I have needed to play the submissive role for so long. I have spoken to friends and the idea that because I dont find feminine guys attractive and the very role of having anal sex psychologically associates the other guy as taking a feminine role within my head and thus a turn off has been suggested. Whereas some friends have said that maybe I just dont feel that I deserve to be able to take that active role because of my attachments to past sexual experiences in my earlier youth. Im studying some psychology at university and am trying to make sense of it all but I just cant, and I am tired of apologising to guys when they cant make me cumm from blow jobs or sex, and that I have to do it myself and they are detached to the role of a lesser important role of oral contact in another manner just so that they are involved in someway in the process. I just want to be able to come while having sex or having a blow job and not lying on my back, and not taking forever and a day. I do like these guys that I am seeing now, and this issue I feel has always put pressure on my sexual relationships.

I caution you to not read too much into your inability to cum through oral sex, or than in any other position than on your back. No need to psychoanalyze yourself or look too deeply into your sexual past to find the root of this problem. While you mindset and your past behaviors may impact on your current performance, you should know that lots of men, with very different sexual histories than yours, have a similar inability to cum in any other way than on their back and with their own hand.sin_20nombre.jpg

If this is so disturbing for you, you can learn different behaviors that may, in time, allow you to cum in the position and by an activity that you prefer — like standing up for a blow job. But I suggest that you’ll never accomplish this if you think you are defective, or that some deep psychological trauma is the root of your dissatisfaction.

Why not just chalk your concerns up to a natural variation on male sexual response cycle. Expanding one’s sexual repertoire is best accomplished with some patience and a whole lot of practice. Being ashamed of yourself or belittling yourself for what you perceive as an inadequacy will completely sabotage any effort you might make to change your sexual patterns.

Good luck

IM Distress Signals

When I first began writing this advice column, back in the Paleolithic era, most correspondence came via snail mail. Those were the days, huh? Email replaced letters as the dominant means of communication about 8 years ago, and so it remains today. Lately, there’s been yet another innovation — the Instant Messenger. Never fear, Dr Dick stands at the ready to console and advise even at cyber speed.
Instant messenger technology allows me to do something I’ve never been able to do before, save the whole shebang as a single document. This, dear readers, will provide you, as you will see below, an intimate vantage point to a crisis as it is being reveled.
What follows is an abridged version of an exchange I recently had with a good friend. This is someone I deeply respect and admire. However, my friend has been through a terrible lot this past year and the signs of stress are beginning to show. His judgment, generally razor sharp, is now clouded and he is consumed with self-doubt.

William: Hey Dick, I have a question. Do you know the current social standards surrounding marijuana use?

DD: Are there current standards? I didn’t get the memo.

William: Smart ass!
Let me put it a different way, is daily, long-term use of pot a sign of an addiction?

DD: Probably. Certainly designates one as a heavy user.
There is a simple test. Can/will the user go 48hrs without?

William: Here’s the deal, a guy I hang with smokes every time we get together. He says it relaxes him after a hard day. I told him I thought that was a rationalization. I don’t drink daily; so I have to deal with life as it presents itself, rough edges and all.

DD: I guess you told him, huh?

William: I know I can’t drink every day without it becoming a problem for me, but am wondering if pot smokers think daily usage is different than what I think about daily drinking?

DD: See my comments above.

William: My friend’s paternal grandfather was an alcoholic; his dad neverglory_hole_d29.jpg drank. My friend admits to doing 200 hits of acid in high school and crystal when first arriving in town 10 years ago. He claims he hasn’t done either for 7 years.
Trouble is my Dad was an angry alcoholic so this guy’s marijuana use triggers feelings of abandonment and flashbacks of abuse in me.

DD: Right about now you should be hearing yourself say out loud: “Whoops, where did I put my car keys? Gotta run! Call me when you get home from Betty Ford”

William: I confronted my friend about his pot consumption and he got all defensive. He countered with, “what am I supposed to do, not smoke while you’re around? He was already high when we had this exchange. He said I should have warned him about not smoking before he rolled the joint he just smoked.

DD: Wait a minute; he’s saying his drug “(ab)use” is now your issue? Why does this stink to high-heaven?
Here’s a tip; don’t be surprised when you confront a pot-head, while he’s ripped, about his habit and he gets, as you say, “all defensive”.
William, I’m pretty confident that was not a teachable moment, don’t you agree?

William: The problem is he’s generally stoned by the time we get together, so there’s no real good time to talk to him.
I even entertained the idea of smoking with him to get in the same mind set. Instead, I drank a half a bottle of wine. I realized later that both options were self-defeating.

DD: At least you’re clear on that. In this instance, sinking to the lowest common denominator is not a good idea.

William: Bottom line is I feel he needs to smoke to be around me.

DD: I suggest that he needs to smoke around everyone and everything, not just you.

William: I am thinking this is an indicator of his low-self esteem.

DD: You betcha! Aren’t all addictions?

William: Maybe I am projecting.

DD: What if you are? It doesn’t diminish the fact you called it right.

William: I also questioned what type of relationship we are forming if all our time together happens while he’s in an altered state.

DD: That’s easy, a codependent one!

William: I’ve been thinking, maybe he needs to smoke to have sex. Maybe that’s the only way he can cope with his guilt or shame. When he smokes he likes to top me. But when I top him, he’s a very passive. I told him what I like sexually, so he knows. But he doesn’t even try to please me. He doesn’t play with my nips when I top, which is the only way I can cum. When I bottom it’s simply out of desire for intimacy, it doesn’t do anything for me sexually.

DD: YIKES! Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Like my momma always used to say, “if it has four wheels or a dick you know you’re gonna have trouble with it.”

William: For example, when I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wantedmale_art2.jpg sexually the other night, I shut down. I got him off and he fell asleep.
He knows me well enough to know when I’m pissed. So the next time we were together, he asked if he had done something wrong. He’s a fuckin’ genius! He asked if he had been too passive as a bottom. Unfortunately, he was pretty stoned at this point, so I thought any further discussion would be fruitless.

DD: Again, YIKES! Any more red flags and this would be a Chinese New Year Parade, for christ sake!

William: If I dump him, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?

DD: Darlin’, there is no baby in the bath water! There’s just a fucked up stoner dude who is taking you for a ride. He’s welcome to live his life as he so chooses. You, on the other hand, need to find someone a less fucked up.

William: I like him, he is smart, affectionate and we have the same analytical way of thinking.

DD: When he’s not stoned, ya mean.
Here’s a suggestion, why not keep him as a friend. Have dinner together occasionally, enjoy his sparkling conversation and then, quick as you can, get back in your car and go home.

William: He takes care of my physical needs, except sexually. There is, after all, more to a relationship than sex.

DD: EXCEPT SEXUALLY????? That’s like saying he takes care of your nutrition needs, except for the protein and carbohydrates. Sheesh!
You’re right, there is more to a healthy relationship than sex. But given that you are an intensely sexual man, why would you start a relationship with a deficit like this?

William: This is triggering my deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which I fully accept as my own shit. I want to please him, so I did not ask him to stop smoking around me. But I did tell him how “not present” he is to me when he smokes prior to sex.

DD: I am so amazed that you are bottoming for this dude. What’s up with that? You hate being a bottom. Listen darlin’, you are way too needy at this point to be looking to someone like this to even begin to meet your needs.

William: He said that he did not think his personality changed when he smokes. But yet he thinks people liked him better when he’s got a buzz on.

DD: Where did you find this guy? Does he live under a bridge?

William: Is this a glitch in a new relationship? Do you think I should hang in there during this adjustment period?

DD: This is scariest thing you’ve said up to this point.
GLITCH??? Are you serious? Does a stripped down, burnt out skeleton of a car on the what_a_ride.jpgside of the road, suggest to you that the owner is having a problem with his windshield wipers? Good lord, man, what can you be thinking?
What follows comes from the deepest recesses of my heart, William. I put this out there because you are my friend. The fellow you describe would be a handful for you if you were at your peak of your emotional and psychological powers. But even then, I’d suggest you avoid him like the plague.
But now, dear William, you are in crisis. You’ve had a terrible lot happen to you this past year. You are hanging on by a thread. I support and encourage all your efforts to find your balance in your life once again, because you are a good and resilient person.
I empathize with your desire to connect with someone who will love you, stand by you and care for you during this difficult time. This is decidedly not the time to be taking on dead weight.
Look to yourself, care for yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself, heal yourself. Come back to us refreshed and whole. Then, and only then, will you be able to take on a complete wreck of a project like this dude.
Count on me to walk through this with you. Thanks for letting me be part of your life. Remember, I’m only as far away as your Instant Messenger.

Over and Out!

Clearing The Deck

Time to clean out the dr dick sex advice anonymous submission in-box. I wish I could have used some of these questions in my podcast. But I can only do that if you use the toll-free voicemail phone number to call in your submissions, people!

If you want to be in one of my podcasts, use the Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection!

Name: Sofia
Gender:
Age: 54
Location: Arizona
You are sick Dr DICK! I believe that porn is a sign of weakness in men and women. They cannot control their need and put their personal relationship in harm. Its degrading towards women and it gives off the wrong message to men about women. Porn is very harmfull in peoples daily lives.Relationships come to an end because of mens porn addiction. Men have lost families, wives, girlfriends etc. because of porn. Men find themselves defending it so much that they end up losing the people in their lives who do not agree with it (wives, GF, BF, ect.) What does porn leave them? Nothing! Lonely nights with no one by their side and a PC full of nasty images. Porn leaves men lonely and pathetic. Men are destroying their lives to make a porn film maker more wealthy. What a great exchange.

love-dr.jpg

So nice of you to drop by, Sofia, and thank you for being so solicitous about my health. Yes, I was sick, I had a little cold there for a couple of days, but now I’m better.

Oh wait, you’re saying I’m sick because I don’t share your repressive opinion about porn. I get it; you’re another moral crusader who needs to denigrate those who don’t share your beliefs. What’s up with that?

Ya know the thing is, darling, I actually believe, as you do — that a lot of porn is harmful and exploitative. It also can be very disruptive to people’s lives and can cause serious damage to otherwise healthy relationships. I mean how difficult was it for you to come up with that critique? Taking pot shots at porn in this sex-negative culture is like shooting fish in a barrel. Get over yourself, girlfriend.

And ya know what else, ma’am, all the things you accuse porn of — being harmful and exploitative, disruptive, damaging to relationships — you could say about organized religion, the fast food industry, our government, the credit card industry, the big oil companies, the pharmaceutical industry, the medical industry, the war machine and it’s horrific profiteers, like Halaburton. And the list goes on and on. Hell, everything humans touch has the potential for becoming harmful and exploitative; it’s human nature. Even your own tirade is harmful to and disruptive to those of us who are trying to make a difference in the adult entertainment industry. Trust me, you would have made a better case if you said you wanted to help change the status quo in porn, not just point out its inherent flaws.

And what’s all this; “Porn leaves men lonely and pathetic”? What, are you saying you’re the alternative? Perhaps, if you weren’t so bitchy and condescending your men wouldn’t need to turn to porn. Your abrasive personality and moral rectitude would even drive the pope to porn.

Oh, and have a nice day!

Name: suzanne
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Auckland
Should a woman fake an orgasm to keep her partner happy?

Brilliant idea, Susanne! Rather than help your ineffectual lover overcome his female_ontop.jpginadequacy with the truth and a little tutorial on how to make you cum — lie to the monkey about his sexual prowess.

I see nothing wrong with that! Other than when you’re done fuckin’ him, or he’s done fuckin’ you, the next unlucky woman he happens upon will have twice the work. She’ll not only have to tell him the truth — that he sucks as a lover — but she’ll also have to contend with his ego. Thanks to you and your deception, he’ll be convinced that he’s a fabulous lover when, of course, he’s not.

What could be wrong with that, Susanne? D’oh!

Name: emily
Gender:
Age: 28
Location: Texas
How much should I tell my new partner about my sex life with my exes?

How about just enough to get his dick hard?

Hell, I don’t know! Some guys get off on hearing the gory details of the sexual exploits of their partners, albeit it’s a relatively small number of guys. Just keep in mind that most men would prefer the bliss that is ignorance.

If you’ve been around the block a time or six, maybe you best keep that to yourself till you find out how much the new guy can stomach.

Good Luck

Name: Phillip
Gender:
Age: 31
Location: Austin, Texas
Dr. D, I’ve never had a problem with my sex life up until now. My wife and I have been very happy with our physical relationship. But, about 8 months ago, in a very vivid nightmare, I dreamed we were making love and when I came, the ejaculate was blood. I came blood. Everything in the dream stood still as I watched, almost third person, as my life flowed out of me. I woke in a sweat, and we’ve not made love since. We’ve talked about the dream, tried to be intimate, but I’m simply not able to enjoy the contact anymore. This is someone about whom I care deeply and with whom I am deeply in love. Considering professional help but would like your take. Thanks, Phillip in Austin

Interesting! Yet another case of how one’s psyche can override one’s eroticism.

This is nothing to be toyed with, Phillip. Like an earthquake, this vivid dream has jolted you out of your happy, healthy sex life with your wife. And like anyone who has survived an earthquake, or a similar natural disaster, you need to put your life together again as quickly as possible. I encourage you to seek a sex-positive therapist to help you break the spell of this nightmare.

The longer you let this thing hang out there the more perverse it will become.

Good Luck

Name: Mike
Gender:
Age: 33
Location:
I can only get off by squeezing my cock with my thighs. I have done this for as long as I’ve masturbated. I only found out years later that you should use your hand. But this does not work for me. Is this normal or common?

Mike, what you report is neither normal nor common. But do you really care about “normal” and “common” if it works for you? Apparently your masturbation technique isn’t any less effective than those who employ a more common practice — like using one’s hand.

Basically, there aren’t a whole lot of “shoulds” when it comes to style of masturbation. If squeezing your cock with your thighs works for you — SWELL, pup, knock yourself out!

Since you don’t report that this method of getting off is getting in the way of your partnered sex, I think you should leave well enough alone and enjoy your uniqueness.

Good Luck

Name: Sam
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: London, UK
Dear Dr. Dick, I am a young gay guy, and when I masturbate I am able to achieve orgasm and ejaculate; but when I am with another guy I do not cum. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great time during sex, but my partner doesn’t get me off. This is not a person-specific thing — this has been happening to me since I was 16.
Call it “delayed ejaculation”, if you will; but it’s more like “non-existent ejaculation”! The weird thing is, I don’t mind myself; the foreplay and sex is totally hot and I’m as happy as a clam with that as it is. But my partners have always been frustrated and disappointed, as if ejaculation is the official mark of success to show the culmination of a great fuck. So they keep trying until they get tired, which I guess is inevitable.
Is this something I should be worried about if I’m otherwise okay with sex. Or should my partner be less concerned about the orgasm and just realize that it doesn’t bother me. Many thanks, and kudos for such an informative site.

Hey Sam,

Thanks for your kind words about the site, they’re much appreciated.male_fuck19.jpg

As to the issue you present, it’s not particularly uncommon. Many people aren’t able to, or choose not to get off in partnered sex. And there are several common reasons why. Without going into detail about that, let me just ask one thing. Are you able to masturbate yourself to orgasm when you are with a partner, like you can do when you are alone? If so, maybe you could incorporate that into your sex play with a partner.

It’s true what you say about some people thinking a sexual encounter is only “successful” if both partners cum. That’s nonsense, as you well know. There’s no necessary connection between an ejaculation and sexual satisfaction. If you cave into that way of thinking you won’t help your misguided partners and you will certainly add a good deal of performance anxiety to your sex encounters. And nobody wants that! Stick to your guns, Sam!

Good Luck

Slippery When Wet

Getting to the bottom of things, so to speak is not always as easy as it appears at first glance. I’d like to share with you an exchange I’ve been having with very articulate correspondent from Chicago…dr dick’s hometown. Pay attention to how the topic moves from a concern about finding the proper lube to issue of much greater importance.

Hey there Dr. Dick,

I’m a 31 year-old gay guy from Chicago, Illinois, and I’ve been in a completely monogamous relationship with my partner, who is 38, for almost nine years.I consider myself to be on the bottom side of versatile–what can I say? I love it when my guy fucks me! But my partner is never able to cum when he makes love to me because of the lube on his dick. For whatever reason, it desensitizes him, and he’s unable to get off either from fucking or masturbation. We’ve tried various brands of lube, as well as different kinds of lotion, but nothing works.

We’re both HIV- and haven’t used condoms for many years. One of my biggest fantasies is to feel him shoot his load inside of me. Unfortunately, he is unable to get to that point. Furthermore, I hate that I get to cum and he doesn’t. I’ve looked for different kinds of lube online, but to be honest, I just don’t know which one might do the trick. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks, Dr. Dick,
Daniel

Hey Daniel,cum10.jpg

Let me see if I understand what you’re saying. Your partner is unable to ejaculate when he uses either lotion or lube while either masturbating or when fucking you. Right? Does that mean he can masturbate to ejaculation just fine with a dry hand?So when you guys have sex, and he’s fucking you, and you cum, what happens next? Does he pull out of you, wipe off the lube and beat off till he cums?

Daniel, I need a bit more information before I can advise you. I hope you take the time to respond.

dr dick

Thanks for your thoughts on this, Dr. Dick.

That’s right, my partner can’t seem to bring himself to climax using either lotion or lube.He can masturbate to ejaculation with a dry hand. However, I will say that it often takes him a little longer to ejaculate in general, which may just be one of those things that happens to us all sooner or later. He goes wild when I go down on his butt while he masturbates — he usually cums pretty quickly then.

So if there’s no fucking involved, we’ll play around together for awhile, then I’ll concentrate on him until he cums, and then I either jerk off or he’ll jerk me off.When he’s fucking me, it usually becomes all about me, which I don’t think is very fair, because unless he takes a shower and washes off the lube with soap and water, he can’t cum at all. He is generally content to just enjoy our love making on these occasions without necessarily having an orgasm. That’s all well and good, but like I said, I don’t think it’s very fair, and I wish I could figure out a solution.

T hanks! Please let me know if you need any more information. I’m looking forward to hearing you’re thoughts on this.
— Daniel

Hello again, Daniel.

This is all very curious. I’d be willing to speculate that what you present here is nota.jpg merely a wet hand vs. dry hand issue. I took particular note of these comments of yours: “I will say that it often takes him a little longer to ejaculate in general…” “He goes wild when I go down on his butt while he masturbates–he usually cums pretty quickly.” and “… I’ll concentrate on him until he cums…”

First, it’s not unusual for a man not to cum as a top in anal (or vaginal) intercourse. Sometimes there’s simply not enough of the right kind of friction. If, for example, your BF is like another client of mine and his masturbation style is very vigorous, or like my client who is only able to cum by concentrating his manual stimulation on his frenulum, he’ll not cum in anal intercourse…or any intercourse for that matter. He has to get himself off by hand.

You say your BF enjoys being rimmed, and this hastens him to orgasm. Does he enjoy any other butt play, like prostate massage? If he does, you guys could try something like this. You eat his ass while he is masturbating on his back. Using a small vibrating dildo stimulate his prostate. As he approaches ejaculatory inevitability add lube to his dick, straddle him and sit on his dick.This may sound like a whole lot of work, and it may very well be. My suspicion is that your BF has, for whatever reason, talked himself out of every cuming in your ass and the lack of success with traditional anal intercourse has reinforced that. However, if you can help him break down his resistance with a fucking success, some positive reinforcement might turn the tide.

I hasten to add that if what I describe above interferes with spontaneity of your sex play, you may just want to enjoy the sex as you already have it.

Good Luck!

Now that’s really interesting, Doc.
My partner is a bit vigorous when he masturbates, and that’s how he finally gets off 100% of the time. I can’t think of a single other instance when that wasn’t the case. But I just suddenly remembered something he told me a long time ago about his first sexual experience with a dude.

My partner was receiving a blowjob, and as he was cuming, he farted. Now, that particular fart was certainly unfortunately timed — and probably the result of the relaxation that comes with an orgasm — but now I wonderrimming2.jpg whether or not, way back when, something psychological occurred. I would certainly speculate that switching to masturbation as he’s getting close might not be some kind of mechanism to shift the focus from down there to somewhere else, if you see what I mean.

We’ve never tried any other kind of ass play. I fuck him sometimes, which he enjoys. But we’ve never been much for toys or anything like that. I did get him a latex dildo as a joke one Christmas — nicknamed Gloria, for some reason — but I think I played with that when I masturbated alone more often than when we were having sex. Anyway, Gloria’s gone now — it slowly turned a funny yellow color so we tossed it. A small vibrator sounds like a fun idea…I know I’d use it at the very least!I’m always a little disappointed when our love making isn’t as successful as I’d like it to be, but I’m always careful not to show it, because my partner genuinely feels that he’s not great in the sack — which is nonsense (it really is nonsense).

Sex is always great, and especially between two people who love each other like we do. That sounds a bit trite, but we’re always laughing and doing silly stuff when we’re in bed together, and generally having fun, and I think we communicate well too.I have to admit, we’re not as spontaneous as we would like when it comes to sex. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that lots of couples fall into this trap where the events of the day — work, school for me, dinner, paying bills, answering emails and phone calls, surfing the Internet, booking travel, etc. — gets the better of us, and before you know it, everyone’s tired and ready to fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow.

Sometimes, though, if my partner is home when I get home, we’ll find ourselves lying on the bed playing with the cats. When they get fed up with our antics, we usually joke around with each other, talking, laughing, which may or may not lead to sex. It’s great when it does. Other times, especially at night when we’re getting in bed, one or both of us might be horny and we’ll have sex. Many times, I’ll be in the mood but not him, and I’ll jerk off while he rubs my balls and my chest, or he’ll jerk me off, and then go to sleep. That’s about as spontaneous as it gets for us.

Sexual spontaneity is definitely something we both know we need to work on. I’d love to have one of those moments where we have to leave dinner, jump in a cab, and get home ASAP, because we’re so worked up that we gotta jump in bed and play!

— Daniel

rimming03.jpgDaniel,

Thank you so much for all of this. It’s brilliant. Sounds like you have an exceptionally enviable relationship. Also sounds like you have plenty of room for spicing things up too.It’s so interesting that you mention your BF’s fart incident. I’ve had other people tell me similar stories. Almost to the one, each reported that this single fart incident during sex, altered their entire sexual response cycle for years. Isn’t that amazing? Aren’t we incredible creatures?

All the best,

Dr Dick

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