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Dear Abby

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Hey sex fans,

We have another video review lined up for today’s edition of Product Review Friday.

This is the second of three vids from the folks at The Romance Series.  You didn’t miss the first of these reviews, did you? Well not to worry if you did, because you can find it HERE.  And remember all our adult product reviews, going back 5 years, are archived at Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

Let’s check in with Dr Dick Review Crew members, Kevin and Gina, to see what’s on their mind.

Dear Abby — $23.43

Gina & Kevin
Gina: “Kevin and I were reminiscing about the first review we did together. It was for the WE-vibe.  That was way back in August of 2008. I was shy and clueless about most sexual things. I was your average recovering Catholic girl, back then, who couldn’t wait to discover the big bad world out there.”
Kevin: “And I’m happy to report that I was the corrupting influence in her life. Although I must say she didn’t offer much resistance. Since that fateful We-vibe review, we’ve been all over the map, so to speak. We get such a hoot out of looking back on all the reviews we’ve done since then. You can find them HERE.”
Gina: “Yeah, it’s like looking at an old yearbook. I was such an innocent back then. Well, all that has changed. Now I’m as sexually adventurous as they come.”
Kevin: “But do you remember when you discovered my stash of porn movies on one of your first over-nights at my place? Do you remember your reaction?”
Gina: “Yes, I do. I was so disillusioned. I couldn’t believe you were into that stuff. I thought you were so cool and progressive; how could you watch porn? Back then I though all porn was disgusting and exploitative of women. I had so much to learn. Now I’m able to tell good porn from bad. And that’s why I jumped at the chance to review Dear Abby.”
Kevin: “She’s right! But I didn’t share Gina’s opinion when she brought home the DVD. The packaging looks exactly like what a major Hollywood studio would produce for a mainstream romantic comedy. I thought for certain this was going to be a dud. My taste in porn is way more edgy.”
Gina: “I knew he was going to say that. I immediately saw the disappointment in his eyes when I showed him the package. However, The Romance Series has a reputation for delivering great watchable sex along with really convincing non-sex performances by the same performers. I don’t find that too often, even in the porn that I’ve come to like very much.”
Kevin: “This is a great adult movie for couples. I hesitate to use the term ‘porn’, because it may turn off some in our audience who have yet to discover that sexually explicit movies, like Dear Abby, can be enjoyed without the guilt associated with watching mainstream porn. But just so you know, this is not soft-core sex. On the contrary; the sex is full-on and totally hot and sweaty. It is, however, of the vanilla variety. And there’s no flimsy storyline just to string together a bunch of unrelated sex scenes. No, this is a real movie movie.”
Gina: “Dear Abby is the story of a young couple, who have broken up, but eventually find their way back together. Ok, so I’ll admit the premise is pretty trite, but movie is not. There are four sex scenes featuring four very attractive couples. Unlike a lot of the porn I’ve seen, these couples seem to have real chemistry together. The camerawork is first-rate and the viewer is treated to an over all view of the couples enjoying themselves, not just fucking. There are no intense close-ups that make some porn really creepy. The sex is never hurried and the female characters are believable. In fact, they are presented as multidimensional people, not mindless sex dolls for the gratification of the guys. And there’s kissing, lots and lots of kissing.”
Kevin: “Both the guys and the gals are very attractive. And the blowjobs scenes are fantastic. Did I mention I LOVE blowjobs? But wait; are all the guys in porn these days shaving their pubes? Looks like it from this feature. Not one of the male performers has a bush. WTF?”
Gina: “Yeah, I wondered about that too. I like to see a man’s bush.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

The Heartbreak of Male Performance Anxiety

I get a dozen or so messages a month on this topic. I’ve written about it in numerous postings and spoken about it in several podcasts, but still the email comes.

One of the real bugaboos for anyone, regardless of gender, is living up to our own expectations of sexual performance. So many things can get in the way, literally and figuratively, of fully enjoying ourselves and/or pleasuring our partners.

The arousal stage of our sexual response cycle is particularly vulnerable to a disruption. And when there’s trouble there, there’s no hiding it. A limp dick or a dry pussy can put the kibosh on all festivities that we may have hoped would follow.

However, performance anxiety can strike any of us, regardless of age, and at just about any point in our sexual response cycle. This is a particularly galling when it seems to come out of the blue. And regaining our composure can be more far more difficult than we imagine.

Today we will be focusing on male performance anxiety.  I’ll address female performance anxiety at a later date.

Here’s Bob, he’s 26:
Doc, this has never happened before. But I couldn’t get it up tonight, and this chick was H.O.T. Now I’m not gay at all, but I haven’t had sex in about 3 years because I was locked up…so I masturbated pretty regularly, about 3 or 4 times a week. But I can’t figure out why I was soft… the only thing I can think of is I ate clams tonight and I’ve never had them before. Could it be that or should I get checked out?

It weren’t the clams, darlin’! And I don’t think you need to get “checked out” either…at least not right away. If you could back away from the situation a bit and stop freaking out, I think you’d discover the source of your problem all on your own.

Here’s the thing—while you were out of commission there in the slammer, you relied, as you say, on jerking off. Okay, cool. We all do what we gotta do. Now the first time you try to score after your release…you go soft. This tells me you have a mild case of performance anxiety. We all get that from time to time.

There’s probably nothing wrong with you or your johnson. You just got the jitters first time you tried to get you some after being away, that’s all.

The anticipation of boning this H.O.T. chick—fueled by some predictable self-consciousness; what with just getting out of the big house and all—pulled the plug on your wood. No surprise there, right?

What I don’t want to see happen is for you to replay the incident over and over in your mind’s eye til that’s all you can think about. If you do, this proverbial molehill will become a mountain. You’ll then bring all this anxiety to your next encounter, setting yourself up for even more disappointment. You can see how this shit can snowball? If you interpret every less than satisfying encounter as a failure, your fears will become self-fulfilling. You’ll begin to avoid partnered sex and you’ll develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction. And your self-esteem will take a nosedive, too.

If you’re preoccupied with your performance, it’s less likely that you’ll be fully present during sex with a partner. This pretty much fucks up your sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity. Why not just relax into the whole sex thing and not try to prove your manhood with your pecker?

Then there’s Steve with a slightly different take on this meddlesome problem:

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 years now in a monogamous relationship. I am the top and he the bottom. Our problem is not premature ejaculation on his part, but his inability to have an orgasm at all. No matter what I try and even if he masturbates, sometimes it is impossible to get him to cum. Is this a medical issue? Have you ever heard of this?

Delayed ejaculation is the difficulty one has ejaculating even with a firm erection and sufficient sexual arousal and stimulation. This problem is not uncommon. For most men, delayed ejaculation occurs during partnered sex more frequently than while masturbating. In fact, 85% of men with delayed ejaculation can usually cum by jacking off. However, in partnered sex, the guy may be unable to ejaculate at all, or only after prolonged partnered stimulation. This problem can be very frustrating and cause distress for both partners involved, as you already know.

What causes delayed ejaculation? Well, it could be a number of things. It could be something as simple as performance anxiety, or inadequate stimulation, or there could be neurological damage.

I don’t want to be too reductionist here, but most of us experts believe that the majority of instances of delayed ejaculation aren’t physical in nature, but rather are the product of psychological concerns. Simply put, there’s a difference between the psychosexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. There’s probably nothing wrong with your partner’s unit. It’s all in his head…or his mind, to be more exact. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s got a real bad case of performance anxiety.

When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training (Sensate Focus is a series of specific exercises for couples that encourage each partner to take turns paying increased attention to their own sensations. More about these helpful exercises in the weeks to come.), stress reduction and relaxation exercises. These applications are designed to reduce performance pressure and instead focus on pleasure. The idea is to get them to stay in the moment; absorb the pleasure present without worrying about what is “supposed” to happen.

Finally we address as frankly and openly as possible any fears or anxieties that they may have—as individuals or as a couple. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Ok, let’s recap shall we?

Overcoming sexual performance anxiety is dependent on five simple things.

  • First, a guy needs to be attuned to his sexual response cycle — arousal, plateau, orgasmic and resolution phases. He should know what kind of stimulation he needs at each phase to fully enjoy himself and satisfy his partner.
  • Second, the more worried a guy is about a performance issue, the more likely that problem will present itself. A bad experience in the past can often set the stage for its recurrence.
  • Third, don’t be afraid to talk this over with your partner. Withdrawing from your partner or shying away from sex altogether will only increase the likelihood that the problem will persist.
  • Forth, be proactive! Fearing the loss of your sexual prowess or feeling sorry for yourself is counterproductive. Confront the challenge head on. Employ sensate focus training stress reduction techniques and relaxation exercises to help you push past this temporarily impasse and regain your self-confidence.
  • Fifth, free yourself from the mindset that your dick is the center of the universe. Your manhood or your capacity to be a great lover does not reside in your genitals. Expand your sexual repertoire. Remember, pleasure centers abound in your body as well as your partner’s.

Good luck!

A Scary Halloween Q&A Show — Podcast #306 — 10/31/11


Hey sex fans, welcome back!

It’s time, once again, to delve into my email in-box to see what’s up with the sexually worrisome. I know I’ve billed this as a scary Halloween show, but to tell you the truth; it’s always a bit scary opening the email I get. I never know what frightful question or dreadful situation will pop out at me.

So ok; maybe it’s not all that scary all of the time, but regardless of what my correspondents toss my way, you can count on me, your intrepid sex therapist, to respond with clever, resourceful and oh so informative answers. Hey, it’s what I do!

This week we hear from

  • Alexia wants to know about genital warts and getting her tubes tied.
  • Stevie O wonders if butt fucking will change the color of a butthole. He also laments getting older.
  • Aaron and his GF are experiencing a major dry spell.
  • No Tan Lines wants to swing, but is afraid to let her man touch another woman.
  • Jai is missing the good sex she had with her BF, but he don’t care no more.
  • Luke says sex with his GF is painful…for her.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Trouble in Paradise

Name: Carey
Gender:
Age: 33
Location: Kansas
My fiancée is 27 and in the past 3 to 4 years her libido has become virtually extinct I have tried everything and she just blames her birth control what do I do

You’ve been engaged to a woman for more than 4 years? Oh wait, maybe you’re trying to tell me that you proposed to this woman in spite of knowing she has an extinct libido? Either way, darling, that’s messed up, huh? Are you hoping this is “dry spell” is gonna somehow magically resolve itself once you’re married? I wouldn’t hold my breath for that, if I were you.

It’s true of course, birth control pills can seriously impact on a woman’s desire for sex. Your fiancée is probably one of these women. Maybe she ought to consult her physician about finding another type of pill that may have a less severe impact on her libido.

Many women find that triphasic birth control pills (which deliver differing amounts of hormones every week) interfere much less with their sex drive than monophasic pills (which deliver the same amount of hormones each dose).

She could also decide to discontinue the pill altogether, and choose another form of contraception, such as a condom or diaphragm. Just realize that once off the pill, her sex drive may only return very slowly.

You see how this predicament is a double bind for your fiancée. If she is more lax with her contraceptive efforts, just to please you and your sex drive; then she opens herself up for an unplanned pregnancy. And that’s not good for her, or you. Is there anything YOU can do to free her up from shouldering the full burden of contraception? Have you’ve considered a vasectomy? Probably not, huh? What man ever imagines he ought assume the responsibility for controlling reproduction?

While I wholeheartedly support the notion that married people deserve a rich and fulfilling sex life, unless there’s mutual agreement for another arrangement; that can’t happen if one of the partners is inequitably burdened by one thing or another. Perhaps, it’s time you and the little woman to have a frank talk about sharing the responsibility for contraception. And if this little talk is successful, maybe, just maybe, you’ll get laid again.

Good luck

Name: Tony
Gender:
Age: 40
Location: Houston
I’ve loved several women and even married and divorced one. Over the last few years, I notice having similar feelings for men around me…longing, sweaty palms, difficulty thinking and wanting to be with them alone. Is this love? Am I bisexual? Am I a sick man better of dead? I have not crossed the line and I still having great sex with women. But there’s now a guy that I think about when I’m with her! Am I gay? Bisexual? Sick in the head?

My first reaction is that what you present is not particularly uncommon. Many people, just like you, inexplicably find themselves behaving in a completely unexpected sexual manner. I’d love to know what triggered you to veer off your comfortable and predictable sexual path?

There’s never a scarcity of sexual fascists out there, people who believe that sexual tastes and preferences are carved in stone, or there’s only one “right” way to be sexual. They’ll persecute anyone who doesn’t conform to their strict immutable notions of sexuality and eroticism. Despite the proliferation of these hetero-fascists, homo-fascists, what have you; they are all very wrong about the indomitable human spirit.

For the most part, humans are not sexual automatons. Given a more permissive and sex-positive culture then our own, we’d all be more fluid in our eroticism and sexual expression. Are you one of the lucky few who has discovered the joy of this fluidity? Doesn’t quite sound like it to me, at least not yet. I think you’re still in the “scared shitless” stage.

For a guy who has yet to “cross the line” and actually act on your fantasy, you sure are preoccupied with your identity. Are you afraid that someone will take away your breeder card if you actually touch a dude in a sexual way? Does having same-sex feelings…sweaty palms and all…make you a gay? Doubt it! Being gay entails a lot more than a sense of longing for something you’re not supposed to have. Are you bisexual? I can’t say for sure, but you’re certainly not exclusively straight either. I suppose you have to come to grips with the self-identify thing when you have a bit more information about your burgeoning eroticism. What I know for sure is that you are not sick.

Who knows, your homoeroticism might very well be situational. It might not extend any farther than the guy you think about when you’re fucking chicks. I know all of this is can be pretty disconcerting and it can really mess with your head. But at least you know you are still alive sexually. So many people are sleepwalking through their erotic lives.

Will you act on your inclinations? Will you test the waters, so to speak? What harm could it do? Might just open up a whole new sexual world for you. On the other hand, if you do nothing, or try and repress these natural feelings, you’ll always know in your heart of hearts that you have the desire, if not the capacity, to express yourself sexually with a much wider range of humans than what you are currently used to. And something tells me that if you choose the path of self-denial, it will eat away at you until you satisfy your curiosity.

Good luck

LORDY, LORDY, LORDY!

Hey Dick!
As you know, I am an escort. My business is doing very well. In fact, so well I need to ask if you know of any meds, besides Viagra, that I can take that will help me maintain an erection over a longer period of time?
Can I be frank? Here’s the deal, let’s say I have I have two one-hour clients during the day. Then a regular of mine calls and wants an all-nighter. That’s not a problem other than the fact that this particular client wants to get fucked hard. I mean real hard, for hours at a time. He’s an insatiable power bottom.
I want to be able to ride his ass, like the bitch he is. Hell, I’m even attracted to him. I just can’t stay hard enough to fuck him like he likes (especially after having had the two clients before him that same day). Sometimes I have difficulty getting it up for him, and wind up finger-fucking him till my hand is sore. I do not want to lose this client. And shifting days is not the solution. Because when he wants it he wants it and I have to produce. That’s what I do, I sell “muscle.” I have a reputation for giving the best hard driving, dominating and controlling sex around.
Again, is there a medication I can take to maintain the erection?
— Works Hard

Dear WH,

Your life reads like a cheap porn movie script. Lordy, the good doctor nearly got the vapors simply reading through your very explicit missive. (As you can see, I had to edit out some of the more gory details so I could protect your identity in this public forum.) Of course, as you suggest, it never hurts to advertise. You’re so bad!

I thoroughly understand the pressures you and other sex workers face. It’s not as glamorous a life as it is often portrayed, huh? Ok, so you’re beautiful, men idolize you and crave your attention. You’re getting loads of sex, putting all those “bitches” in their place, and crying all the way to the bank to boot. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. But then again, there are all those sniggling performance issues that even a he-man like you must contend with.

The trouble lies in the fact that you are a workaholic. And that’s never good, regardless of the work one does. Sex work, like any other work, will burn you out if you’re not careful. If you don’t learn to pace yourself, darlin’, you’ll fizzle. (How’s that for an appropriate euphemism?) And from what you tell me, this is already beginning to happen. Keep it up (no pun intended), and you won’t be the first causality in this line of work, nor will you be the last. But If you ask me, and I happen to know a little something about sex work myself, the object here is to grow old (or older in your case) in your chosen profession.

I’m tellin’ ya, WH, if the erectile burnout don’t get ya the psychological torment will. I’ll bet you’re terrified the word will get out that Mr. Big-Beautiful-29-year-old-Stud-Power-Fucker can’t get it up. That would be real bad for business. And you know how those johns can gossip. Bitches! They don’t know that you’re servicing men at a rate that would make a superhero blush. All they see is limp willie and that spells trouble right there in River City.

It’s not surprising that you are having erection concerns given the number of clients you are seeing in one day. I mean, girlfriend, when do you find time to eat? You don’t need a new med, you need a vacation. If Viagra and a good cock ring don’t do the trick, then, in my humble opinion, your body is telling you to slow the fuck down.

And here’s another tip; research is beginning to show that prolonged and persistent use of Viagra can have some very unpleasant side effects. Those who overuse this potent cardiovascular drug, particularly young men who use it recreationally, may be in for some very unpleasant surprises down the road. So, I have one simple suggestion, WH, have a care about your sexual wellbeing and treat your dick gently. Despite the pounding you can inflict with it, it is a very delicate mechanism.

Good Luck