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Fear, Rage And Lust, A Volatile Concoction

It’s not often that I receive a message from someone that chills me to the bone. But what you are about to read does precisely that. Sadly, my correspondent chooses to remain anonymous, so I can’t address him directly or personally. But, with a little luck, this very unhappy person will return to my site and find the heartfelt response I’ve prepared for him. If not, I fear the worst will happen.

 

I was raised to believe that fornication would ruin my future marriage, and I believed it. But as time went on, and had trouble attracting women since I had social phobia, I noticed that no one else was waiting until marriage. I felt angry, as if I had been betrayed and left behind. As I get older, the possibility of finding a “pure” woman my age dwindles (I’m almost 30 now). I’m still a virgin myself, and fear having sex with a woman my age because she might judge my inexperience and clumsiness. I also fear that she would compare me with other men. I’m now an atheist, and I know these doctrines are wrong, but I can’t stop feeling jealous and depressed knowing that women my age have all loved other men by now, and I’ll probably never be anyone’s first. Is there treatment for this? Or even a name for this condition?

My friend, thank you for reaching out to me. I only wish you had done so in a way that I could communicate directly and personally to you. I will do my level best to be as kind as I can while I address your many-layered problem. But if I wind up being sharp with you, it’s only because I believe the situation demands that I not soft-pedal my advice to you. So here goes.ShameHands

You, sir, are in critical condition! Yes, there is a treatment for what you have and yes, there’s also the name for what you have. You suffer from acute misogyny. And my treatment recommendations are as follows.

You need to be in the care of a skilled professional, one who understands both your religious background and your current sexual malaise. I could be that person for you, but I won’t take on that responsibility through an anonymous exchange like what we’re doing here. Be a man, stand up, identify yourself, and own your shit. This will be your first step toward healing the rift you have between what you desire and what makes you angry and ashamed.

I can’t help but make the comparison between your message to me and those chilling videos made by the UC Santa Barbara shooter before he went on his rampage some weeks ago. Like you, he was motivated by his intense misogyny and his sense of entitlement to sex. And it scares the bejesus out of me that I have you within reach, all lustful and enraged, yet I am unable to help you personally.

RageI want to first address your religious upbringing. And I think I’m qualified to do this because I was a Catholic priest for 20 years, many years ago. As you now can see for yourself you were duped. The fundamentalism you were fed as a youngster has made you into a bit of a monster. It has made you sick with rage and lust and it has also made you as vengeful as the God of the Hebrew Testament. Surely you can see that nothing good can come from this volatile combination.

I call your condition misogyny because your lust and rage is directed toward woman. Somehow you got it in your head that you are entitled to some pussy and that pussy had better be virginal pussy to boot. And if you don’t get what you think is rightfully yours, because this is the birthright of all men, there is gonna be hell to pay.

Listen up, buckaroo; you are not entitled to anything sexual, no one is. You are particularly not entitled to pussy. And plank_in_eyewhoever told you that you are or suggested that you have something coming to you simply because you’re swinging some pipe between your legs is as big a fool as you are for believing that shit. I’m also pretty certain that you got this message right along with your religious indoctrination, which makes it all the more insidious. The curious thing is, I can’t tell if your fundamentalism is Christian, Jewish, or Muslim. And, in the end, I don’t suppose it make much difference. But I am willing to wager every cent I have that it is one of those three. I say that because monotheistic fundamentalism is at its core, misogynistic. The acolytes of the male god of these three traditions have enshrined the male privilege and women have been paying the price for that bullshit for millennia. It has got to stop!

When men, like you, get it in your head that one woman in particular, or all women in general, have deprived you of what is rightly yours, you know someone is gonna get hurt and hurt badly. Curiously, you don’t take yourself to task for your social phobia and awkwardness even though you acknowledge that these are precisely the things that get in the way of you making yourself attractive to the women you desire. Rather, it is somehow the fault of women because they won’t look beyond your loutishness to see the sweet guy beneath your caustic exterior. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be a man.

perception-of-fundamentalismI’m sure glad you identified how fear and bitterness has crippled you. You are afraid that women will judge your inexperience and clumsiness and compare you with their other lovers. Welcome to the real world, my friend. We all make judgments; we all make comparisons. Just look at all the judgments you are making about women. Shame on you for trying to point out the speck in someone else’s eye while you have a plank in your own.

Instead of humbling yourself and asking for the help you need to overcome your social and sexual awkwardness, you project hate and show absolutely no compassion toward the very women who are in the ideal position to help you. What does that say about you?

This lethal concoction of hate, shame, fear, and a sense of sexual inadequacy is what perpetuate the rape culture that plagues our society. You sir, are the problem! And until you acknowledge the fact that you are the agent of your own frustration, and get your shit together, all the women around you should be afraid for their virtue as well as their life.

Another telltale sign of this facacta religious fundamentalism that has poisoned your psyche is your preoccupation with the virginity of your perspective mate. So you want someone “pure,” a woman unsullied by another man, huh? Well then here’s a tip. That kind of purity, if there is indeed such at thing, is reserved for someone equally pure; and I don’t mean sexually inexperienced. You should be pure of heart. And there is nothing pure about your heart. Your rage, shame, and lust defile you and make you base. You are, to use religious language, unclean.Love-Lust

It never ceases to amaze me that people, like you, think sex sullies a person. And yet you crave the very sex that will make you and your prospective partner impure. Believe me when I tell you this; even if you enter a marriage with a virgin, as a virgin, just like religious fundamentalists prescribe, you will come away from your first sexual encounter feeling as defiled as you know your wife will be. That’s because your sexuality is based in shame. Your vocabulary betrays you. No wonder even religious fundamentalist women keep their distance from you. You are like a suicide bomber’s vest, ready to detonate.

One more thing, you are definitely not an atheist. And no amount of you saying that you are will make it so. What you are is a disgruntled religious fundamentalist. I mean I completely understand why you are livid. You’ve been consistently lied to about sex and you never learned anything about love. Besides atheists don’t need any more angry doctrinaire lugheads, like you. They have plenty of those already. In fact, it’s often difficult to tell religious fundamentalists apart from atheistic fundamentalists these days. Everyone is so fuckin’ pissed off all the time.

misogynyHere’s my prescription for getting better. Start working with someone who will help you shed the terrors of your religious upbringing and who will show you the way to embrace a more caring and loving God? I think we both know that you will always be a theist; luckily you get to decide what kind of god will be your god.

Start working with someone who will help you heal the rift you have between what you desire and what makes you angry and ashamed. This will make you a happier person, a better person too. You will, in time, learn that sexuality is gift, not a weapon and certainly not an entitlement. You might even learn how to approach women as your equal, to honor them, not denigrate them. And if you give this therapy the time and effort it deserves you will no longer be jealous and depressed. And hell, you might even get laid.

Good luck

Pesky Pronouns

Name: Lynn
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Eugene, OR
I have a friend who is driving me (us) crazy. She is my age and we’ve been best friends since grade school. Last year I came out to her as a lesbian and she was very supportive and loving. This year it’s her turn. She cut her hair really short and now only wears men’s clothes. Thing is, she’s not gay, or lesbian. In fact, she doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. As far as I know she’s still a virgin. She told me that she’s gender queer. I was like, OK cool. Then she changed her name and wanted all her friends to call her by her new gender-neutral name. I was like, OK cool. Now she wants us to use gender-neutral pronouns—they, their, and them when referring to “her.” This just sounds dumb. I want to be loving and supportive of her, like she was for me, but I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s like this whole thing is an act, like she is trying to see how much attention she can get. A lot of our friends have just given up on her, but I don’t want to do that. At the same time it’s like she’s mocking our trans friends who have real gender concerns. Am I being a dick for not wanting to go along with this?

Curious word choice there, young lesbian Lynn. Are you being a dick? Hell, I don’t know. What I can say for certain is, if we were being totally politically correct, we wouldn’t use euphemisms for our genitals in a derogatory way, right? Luckily, I’m not the least bit PC as you will discover from my comments below.gender-fuck

The question you raise in your email is a thorny one and I’m not sure I know how to respond. Gender is the new hot button issue and it is rapidly becoming the litmus test for PC crowd. As you suggest, it sometimes looks as though some folks are just trying to get attention or see how much the traffic will bear.

I’m going to be pretty self-referential in my response because I feel like I’ve been here before. Let me explain.

When I was about your age and into my early 20’s the modern gay lib movement here in the US was just finding its footing. Stonewall had just happened and those of us on the sexual fringe were tying to come up with a new vocabulary with which to talk about ourselves. No one I knew liked the term homosexual for obvious reasons. Some of us, myself included, preferred the term, homophile. The difference being one was about loving, the other was about sex. That term didn’t catch on, but “gay” sure did. I was fine with that, even though it wasn’t my first choice. As I began to take a closer look at my sexual orientation and identity, I became a bit more radical; gay just didn’t cut it anymore. I began to embrace the term “queer.”

look!When I was a boy, the term queer, often directed at me because I wasn’t like the other boys, was hate-filled and hurtful. It stung and I was ashamed. By my mid 20’s, however, I was no longer ashamed. In fact, I was full of a new found fervor that was connected to my new found identity as a sexual outlaw. I know for certain that my radicalness was a little off-putting to some people, even people who wanted to love and support me.

After I passed through my militancy stage, I continued to use the term queer to describe myself as a way of showing the world that I had reclaimed and detoxified the word that once brought me shame. It became my own personal badge of honor.  Maybe you’ve had a similar ark in your coming out, Lynn.

The curious thing is I’ve lived long enough to see the term I fought so hard to reclaim morph yet again. Nowadays, when someone self-identifies as queer, more often than not, it has to do with gender; it no longer has a strong sexual connotation. I feel a little bummed about this because one of my favorite words has been coopted by another group of people.  But that’s the nature of language, right?Gender-Outlaws6

Over the decades since I first began to struggle with who I was and how I would talk about myself to others, I’ve seen numerous fracturing of the solidarity we sexual outlaws might have had. There was a virulent strain of lesbian separatism that cropped up in the mid 70’s. But most of that has dissipated since. And there was the radicalism that came with HIV/AIDS, which turned quiet, unassuming, cocktail sipping homos into fearless street fighters. That too has played itself out. In fact, now that marriage equality is all the rage, some of us old queers are asking if it’s still possible to be a sexual outlaw by just being gay. I fear not. Apparently, gender benders are the new sexual outlaws. OK, my time has past; I get it. I have no hard feelings, but I do have a wistfulness for days gone by.

It’s also been my experience that some of us, and I include my younger self in this category, have an uncanny ability to alienate loads of people with our politics. That can be a good thing, but radicalism can, and often does, alienate those who would naturally be our allies as well as some of those who struggle next to us. There’s nothing more devastating to a popular movement than having a bunch of edgier-than-thou folks setting themselves up as the thought police. When this happens, as it always does, it suggests to me that we are more interested in making a point than making a connection. This is a particularly acute problem for the newly liberated crowd, often found on college campuses. They are flush with indignation as they discover that life is not fair. They tend to use the scattergun approach when doling out their fury regardless if those around them are deserved of their wrath or not.

fuck genderThe current incarnation of the gender liberation movement suffers from a lot of the excesses that other liberation movements have experienced before it—intolerance and dogmatism among them. The thing is, gender-fuck has a long history and an honored place in sexual politics. However, in the past, this has mostly expressed itself in street theater. Nowadays, there is precious little humor among the new gender warriors, and very few of these zealots can laugh at themselves. That tells me we’re all in for a very rough ride ahead.

I know how important a shift in vocabulary is to making the dominant culture see its oppression, but the pronoun thing is just awkward. For one thing, there’s no agreement on what pronouns to use for those who are rallying for gender neutrality. Some people militate for they, their, and them. Others want the even more extreme “ze,” pronounced as the letter zee. And “hir,” pronounced here. As in, “Ze went to the store and bought hirself an ice cream cone.” Well, if you wanna do that to the language go right ahead, but I refuse!

Besides, are we just supposed to use these twisted pronouns when the gender warrior is in our company, or are we to alter our vocabulary even when they aren’t around? Try using they, their, and them when referring to someone who isn’t present. Confusion will reign.gender neutral pronouns

Lynn, I don’t know your friend so I can hardly make a call on whether your friend is being authentic, disingenuous, or histrionic. But I don’t think you should beat yourself up if you draw the line at a pronoun shift. If your friend takes offense, as well your friend might, you could always compromise and use no pronouns ever in relation to your friend. Simply use your friend’s chosen name each time a pronoun might serve you better. In time, this will surely get exhausting for both you and your friend. But maybe this exercise will help your friend see that you are not the enemy and maybe your friend will then cut you a little slack.

Good luck

The American Dream

Name: Jayrol
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Location: Washington DC
Hey. I hope you respond!! My name’s Jayrol and I’m a homosexual male. However, I’ve never had a sexual relationship with a male and I never plan to. It’s not that I’m ashamed or that I have some type of self hatred for myself I just think that my personality and ideals best suit a straight life, I want kids and the whole white picket fence thing. But my whole problem is Dr. that women don’t sexually attract me at all!! I’ve always had a girl but I can never seem to perform. Girls respect me when I say I wanna wait for marriage but the truth is I can’t get it up!! Is there any thing I can do about that?? Maybe Viagra or something? Or should I just give up on the “American dream”???

YIKES, where to begin. It’s like I’m having some scary flashback to the 1980’s. This is the kind of question I used to here back then. Where have you been, pup? Haven’t you noticed the changes in attitudes over the last thirty plus years? Ok, so you’re just 25. But that means you’ve lived in a world that has reaped the benefits of that labors of all the queer folk who have gone before you.

You’re creating an unnecessary dichotomy. Nowadays one doesn’t need to choose between having a family and living out and proud, darlin’. Haven’t you seen Modern Family or The Ellen Show?

But pup, surely you’ve noticed that you can be a big fat homo and still have all the other things you want — kids, white picket fence, the whole frealin’ kit and caboodle. And you can do it with a husband, life partner, whatever you want to call your queer lover. You certainly don’t have to lie about who you are: trap yourself and some unlucky woman in a sexless marriage just to be a trendy suburbanite. Holy cow, wake up and smell the coffee!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock somewhere, I can’t imagine that you’ve not noticed that gay men and lesbians are marrying in some states, having their partnerships legally recognized in others. In fact, countries all over the world are legally recognizing gay and lesbian unions and marriages.

Us gay and lesbian folk have been having families, raising children (our own biological spawn and/or those we’ve adopted) for years and years now. The world is a changin’, don’t cha know. People’s attitudes are changing. All you have to do is search them internets for “gay parenting” and find out how many resources there are out there for breeder-minded ‘mos like you.

Listen doll, you don’t need no stinkin’ Viagra, you just need to be honest with yourself and those around you. You say you’re not ashamed of who you are, that you don’t have some type of self-hatred for yourself. Well I’m sorry dear, but I don’t buy that, not for a minute. Anyone who is willing to sacrifice his life as a sexual being and to deceive others into thinking he is an honorable man by doing so, just so that he can procreate, is either crippled with self-loathing or completely delusional.

How could you have gotten to be a 25 queer dude, without ever gettin’ any queer sex? Sorry, but that simply doesn’t add up. And what kind of husband and father would you be if you started a family built on a lie? Did you miss the whole Senator Craig, Bishop Eddie Long and Ted Haggard debacles? That’s the kind of miserable, closeted existence that awaits anyone who would deny himself and his true identity, for whatever reason — political gain, societal acceptance, religious intolerance or making a family.

And think of the emotional and physical misery you’d be inflicting on the mother of your children. Could you be any more selfish?

Here’s a tip, pup: grow up and then grow your self a pair of cojones. You’ll need them not only for the spawning, but to live authentically and truthfully.

Good luck

Super-Size Me

Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday again and I have a unique presentation for you today. Many months ago our friends at sex toy.com sent me a penis enlargement kit called Andro Penis and asked me to review it. This would certainly be a daunting task because it would take at several months of devoted use to effectively test this product. I would also have to find a willing Dr Dick Review Crew member to join me in this effort.

I put out an SOS message to all the men on the Review Crew asking for volunteers. I explained the extraordinary commitment this review would take. And asked if there might be at least one Review Crew member stalwart enough to subject himself and his cock to at least sixteen weeks of traction in the Andro Penis. You see, this instrument is placed over the penis and worn for four or nine hours a day for four to six months.

Not surprisingly, I got only one positive reply from my inquiry. Dr Dick Review Crew member, Carlos, said he’d be up to the task; all in the name of science and possibly a bigger dick.

Andro Penis —— $203.06

Dr Dick & Carlos
Dr Dick: “Before Carlos and I begin our discussion, I want to direct your attention to three postings I’ve made concerning penis enlargement. Historical Views On Cock Size, First Penis Enlargement Methods and Devices and Pumps and Pumps Effects On Penis Size.  These three articles will hopefully put today’s discussion in context.”
Carlos: “Yeah, Dr Dick asked me to read through all these columns before I accepted his invitation to join him in reviewing the Andro Penis. I think I should also mention that every since I was a teenager I’ve been embarrassed about the size of my cock. People tell me that I have nothing to be ashamed about, that my cock is average sized, but that never seemed to make my desire for a bigger penis go away.”
Dr Dick: “Yes, I’m afraid it’s precisely men like Carlos, here, that often fall prey to the unscrupulous people who market dubious enlargement devices, pills and creams.”
Carlos: “Yep, that would be me. I’ve been gullible enough to plunk down hard-earned money on a half-dozen enlargement schemes. All have been a disappointment. I guess that’s why I volunteered for this project. I knew it wouldn’t cost me any money, and there was the chance that the Andro Penis, what with all the medical jargon on their site, might actually work.”
Dr Dick: “Indeed, the Andro Penis website is loaded with scientific studies touting its efficacy. There’s even a page on their site filled with doctors and their endorsements of the product. Yet, upon closer inspection, the physician statements are mostly generic. Each speaks of tissue expansion by way of stretching, or in this case, traction.”
Carlos: “I already know about this because I’ve been stretching my earlobes for a couple of years.”
Dr Dick: “That’s right! People have been stretching body parts as a means of adornment for just about as long as we’ve had body parts to stretch.”
Carlos: “The Andro Penis is a medical looking apparatus that uses traction to stretch your penis. Ya have to wear on your dick for hours on end, every day, for up to six months. I promised Dr Dick that I would be able to handle this kind of commitment and that I was motivated to give this a try. The enlargement kit comes in a handsome case, which contains the stretching device, loads of extra parts, an instructional DVD, and booklet with written instructions in 27 languages. The booklet also helps you track your progress.”
Dr Dick: “Once I was confident Carlos understood the commitment I turned over the kit and sent him on his way. I told him that I wanted to hear from him at least once a month for an update.”
Carlos: “Ok, so you should know that the Andro Penis is pretty simple to attach to your cock. There’s a ring that fits down around the base of your cock with two metal rods attached to it on either side. These two metal rods attach to another part where your dick-head fits into this kind of noose. And then you just tighten it till there’s the desired tension. I know it sounds super uncomfortable, but it wasn’t that bad. At least it wasn’t at first. And then every seven days you attach these little extenders to the end of each of the metal rods. This is what causes your dick to stretch. The longer you wear the thing and the more extenders you use is supposed to determine how big your unit will get. The kit recommended that I wear the device for nine hours a day. That’s a lot! You can take breaks, if you need to, but the whole idea is to keep up the traction for a total of six months.”
Dr Dick: “That’s precisely the thing I wanted Carlos to report to me about. Would he be able to sustain that kind of commitment and endure that kind of discomfort just to grow his dick bigger?”
Carlos: “Actually, it wasn’t all that uncomfortable to start with, but it does feel really weird. Like any novelty, I was gung ho for the first few weeks. I mostly wore the Andro Penis in the evening and at night. I couldn’t wear it during the day at work, that’s for certain. It creates this very unsightly bulge in your pants. So I was sure I would never go out of the house with it on. Of course, just wearing it in the evening didn’t allow for the proper amount of wearing time. I had to start wearing it while I slept. My wife didn’t like this at all!”
Dr Dick: “I was pretty certain that finding the required number of hours a day, every day, would be a super challenge. And as Carlos suggests, the Andro Penis will no doubt get in the way of a relationship.”

Carlos: “True! And then there’s the issue of taking a piss. You have to free your cock from the contraption every time you need to pee. And don’t even think about gettin a boner with this thing in place. By the second month I was dreading my daily dick straightjacket. I began to resent having to abuse my cock like this. I cursed myself for not loving the beautiful cock God gave me. To be honest, there was a slight noticeable increase in length, but not in girth. But not so much that made wearing the Andro Penis worth it.”
Dr Dick: “That’s pretty much what I thought would happen. When Carlos reported in at the beginning of the third month I could tell he was over it. I asked him if he wanted to continue the experiment.”
Carlos: “I told him NO! I felt like I was letting Dr Dick down. I made a promise to wear the Andro Penis for four months, but I could barely get past two months. Every day I would find a new excuse to either not wear the thing or wear it for a shorter period than I was supposed to. I suppose if you’re serious about enlarging your cock, more serious than I was at the beginning, and you have the stamina for this kind of regiment; then you might dig the Andro Penis. Like I said, I started out with the best of intentions, but I soon developed an intense animosity toward the device. It was a lot more invasive than I ever thought it would be. It was like carrying around a ball and chain.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

More Sex EDGE-U-cation with Mistress Katherine — Podcast #245 – 11/10/10


Hey sex fans,

I loves me some Mistress Katherine! And I’m not ashamed to admit it either. And from the looks of the download numbers from last week’s podcast featuring the divine Mistress, it appears you dig her big time too. So when we ran out of time last week and I asked her to come back this week to dispense even more of her signature Sex EDGE-U-cation, she was gracious enough to say yes. Lucky for me Katherine didn’t even make me beg or grovel, though, god knows, I surely would have.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well don’t worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. Look for the search function in the header, type in Podcast #243 and faster than you can say ‘Pro-Dom’ you’ll be taken to paradise! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Katherine and I discuss:

  • The political nature of sex work;
  • Foot and leg worship;
  • CBT & NT;
  • Feminization;
  • Needle play;
  • Fantasy role-play;
  • The truisms of our sexuality;
  • Working with and playing with both women and men;
  • Providing a safe and secure place to investigate one’s sexuality.

Katherine encourages you to visit her on her personal website HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.

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