My wife and I have enjoyed anal sex (giving and receiving to each other) for years, but now I have a problem I need help with. I had a hemorrhoidectomy surgery 3 months ago and we waited 3 months to start up again. Now using the same strap-on as we have been using it was very uncomfortable. The strap-on is only 1-1/2 “thick and I tried again by my self but it did not matter how much lube I used it still hurt. Then I started bleeding. It seems that when the hemorrhoidectomy surgery was done it made my rectum smaller. The question I have is; is there away to stretch the rectum back to the pre-surgery size or do I have to buy smaller toys (the 1-1/2” is the smallest we own right now)? I appreciate any help you can give.
Sorry to hear about the pain in your ass, Dan. I know that recuperating from invasive surgery like that isn’t fun.
Here’s the thing; I believe that you’re gonna need way more than 3 months to heal completely from the hemorrhoidectomy. I know, bummer, huh? If I had to guess, your down (pardon the pun) time will be more like 6 months to a year.
At 3 months, your ass is, no doubt, healed enough for comfortable bowel movements. But butt fucking is quite another thing. And I don’t think it’s simply an issue of stretching your rectum or the amount of lube you use. Internal healing isn’t like external healing. Plus, there’s the fact that every one of your bowel movements is stressing your rectum making the healing process more lengthy. I encourage patience.
That’s not to say that you still can’t enjoy your hole. External simulation on your rosebud will feel real nice. Digital stimulation, just inside your hole, might also be possible. Just don’t over do it or you will find the healing process will take even longer.
I have a question. Are you able to stimulate your prostate without pain? Or do you experience pain with any insertion to any depth?
Since you’re not here to fill me in on the gory details, I’ll try to respond to my own questions. If you are able to stimulate your prostate without difficulty, I recommend that you keep your anal wanderings to that depth. If, on the other hand, you can’t even go that deep without discomfort, then I suggest you stick to external stimulation for the time being.
I already suggested butthole massage, but don’t forget your perineum, or taint, if you will. I suggest that you find a good strong vibrator, perhaps one that has a pointed (phallic) shape to it. You’re gonna want some fine pin-point accuracy for this stimulation. Move back and forth between your hole, over your taint, to your balls. Stimulate the whole shebang down there. I think you will find that pressing the vibe into your perineum will shiver your prostate in the most delectable way. Done correctly you will discover that your whole pelvis will light up.
[Anyone out there who is afraid of anal insertion, but wants to experience some of the fabled pleasures associated with being a butt pirate, will want to give this external vibration thing a try. Who knows, one day you might wind up slipping the phallic shaped vibe in your ass for real and discover that your insertion fears were unfounded.]
Dan, give your ass at least 3 more months to heal. At that time try doing some very careful and tentative insertions to see how things feel down there. If there is even the slightest pain [internal pain as opposed to sphincter discomfort] stop what you are doing. Don’t try and force the issue. Like I said, this could take a year to heal properly.
Keep me posted on your progress.
Here’s an exchange I had with a fellow named Angel. He writes:
I have a friend that has HPV. We spoke about being together but I’m nervous about this because I don’t know enough about HPV. Like how safe would I be if we were to mess around and or have sex? I wait to here back from you. Thank you for your time.
Here’s what I know, Angel…
- HPV (human papillomavirus) is a common virus that infects the skin and mucous membranes.
- There are about 100 types of HPV. Approximately 30 of those are spread through genital contact (typically fucking). Around 12 of these types are called “low-risk” types of HPV, which can cause genital warts.
- In addition, there are approximately 15 “high-risk” types of HPV that can cause cervical cancer.
- It is estimated that 80 percent of all women – and 50 percent of men and women combined – will get one or more types of “genital” HPV at some point in their lives.
And, as you probably know, there is a human papillomavirus vaccine is used to prevent infection by HPV strains 16 and 18, which causes most cancers of the cervix, as well as some cancers of the vulva, vagina and penis. Infection with HPV strain 16 also causes most anal cancers and some throat cancers.
This vaccine, given to young men and women ages 9 through 26, prevents pre-cancerous changes that may become cancer. HPV vaccination is currently recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for all boys and girls ages 11 or 12, and for men and women ages 13 through 26 who have not already received the vaccine or have not completed booster shots.
Depending on the specific vaccine used, it may also prevent genital warts caused by other strains of HPV. This vaccine will not cure an HPV infection that is already present, and does not prevent other sexually transmitted diseases.
The HPV vaccine is given as a series of three injections into the muscle in the upper arm or thigh. The first shot may be given any time beginning at 9 years of age. The second dose is given 2 months after the first shot, and the third dose is given 6 months after the first shot. The protective effects of the vaccine last for approximately 5 years. Whether or not a booster is needed after five years is not yet known.
Angel writes back with:
Yes ok then sorry I just figured it’s easier to be safe and just not go there. We are really good friends and don’t want to wreck that by worrying about what I may, or may not catch. He doesn’t want me to use condoms for oral sex.
I don’t suppose you happen to know what kind of HPV this person has, do you? That makes a big difference, ya know.
Many people are unclear on the risks associated with oral sex and HPV. It can be passed during oral sex, but it is rare. To reduce the risk of infection during unprotected oral sex, limit exposure to sexual fluids and ensure that no cuts or lesions are present in your mouth or on your partner’s genitals. But, in the end, your safest bet is use a condom. If he doesn’t want you to use a condom, tell him to such his own dick.
Hey sex fans!
I have another swell sex-positive book to tell you about today. Anyone who frequents this site will already be familiar with my dear friend and esteemed colleague, Cheryl Cohen Greene. If ya don’t believe me type her name into the search function in the sidebar to your right and PRESTO!
Not only will you find the fabulous two-part SEX WISDOM podcast we did together, (Part 1 is HERE! And Part 1 is HERE!) you will find a posting about the movie The Sessions. You’ve seen it right? It’s the award-winning film staring John Hawkes, Helen Hunt, and William H. Macy. It’s the story of a man in an iron lung who wishes to lose his virginity. He contacts a professional surrogate partner with the help of his therapist and priest. Ms. Hunt plays Cheryl, the surrogate partner in the movie
Cheryl also contributed a chapter on sex and intimacy concerns for sick, elder and dying people for my book, The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying.
With all that as a preface, I now offer you Cheryl’s own story: An Intimate Life: Sex, Love, and My Journey as a Surrogate Partner. The first thing I want to say is this book is it’s not a clinical or technical tome. It is an easily accessible memoir. And that, to my mind, is what makes it so fascinating.
I started this work in 1973, and my journey to it spans our society’s sexual revolution and my own. I grew up in the ‘40s and ‘50s, a time when sex education was—to put it mildly— lacking. As I educated myself, I found that most of what I had been taught about sex was distorted or wrong. The lessons came from the playground, the church, and the media. My parents could barely talk about sex, much less inform me about it.
What follows is a candid and often funny look into the personal and professional life of a woman on the cutting edge of our culture’s movement toward sexual wellbeing.
Cheryl comes out of her conservative Catholic upbringing and her often tortured family dynamics with what one would expect—her own sexual awakenings as well as the conspiracy of ignorance and repression that wanted to stifle it. This is a common story, the story of so many of us.
Starting when I was around ten, I masturbated and brought myself to orgasm nearly every night. … If my nights began with anxiety, my days began with guilt. I became convinced that every earache, every toothache, every injury was God punishing me. … I couldn’t escape his gaze or his wrath. Sometimes I imagined my guardian angel looked away in disgust as I touched myself and rocked back and forth in my bed.
The miracle here is that this troubled tween would blossom into the remarkable sexologist she is today.
Some of the chapters in her book describe one or another of her hands on therapeutic encounters as a surrogate partner, but equally important and compelling are the chapters that describe Cheryl’s own sexual struggles as she moved to adulthood and beyond. Cheryl’s acceptance of her own sexuality enables her to build a career out of helping others do the very same thing.
Everyone has a right to satisfying, loving sex, and, in my experience, that most often flows from strong communication, self-respect, and a willingness to explore.
Despite the frank discussion of sexual topics within the book, there is no prurience or sensationalism. For the most part, Cheryl’s clients are regular people, mostly men, who have pretty ordinary problems—erection and/or ejaculation concerns, dating difficulties, as well as self-esteem, guilt and shame issues. Cheryl helps each of her clients with the efficiency and confidence of the world-class sex educator she is. Most of her interaction involves her supplying her clients with some much-needed information, dispelling myths, and giving them permission to experiment. As she says;
I continue to be amazed at how solid education delivered without judgment can eradicate much of the guilt and shame that turns life in the bedroom into a struggle instead of a pleasure.
Her most famous client, Mark O’Brien, the 36-six-year-old man who had spent most of his life in an iron lung after contracting polio at age 6, was the author of How I Became a Human Being: A Disabled Man’s Quest for Independence, in which he writes about his experience with Cheryl. This, of course, was adapted into a film, The Sessions, which I mentioned above. For her part, Cheryl delivers a most poignant remembrance of Mark early in her book.
I explained Sensual Touch to Mark. Although he was paralyzed, he still had sensation all over his body, so he would feel my hands moving up and down. … I encouraged him to try and recognize four common reactions: feeling neutral, feeling nurtured, feeling sensual and feeling sexual.
An Intimate Life chronicles Cheryl’s life-long interest in human sexuality. Her life and sometimes-turbulent loves are on display, but in the most considerate fashion. She teaches by example. She’s even able to speak with great compassion of her time living with and through cancer.
As I inch toward seventy, I appreciate more and more how much I have to be grateful for and how fortunate I’ve been. I was lucky to find a wonderful career and to be surrounded by so many smart, adventurous, caring people. My personal sexual revolution auspiciously paralleled our culture’s, and in many ways was made possible by it. I am eternally grateful to the pioneers, rebels, and dreamers who made our society a little safer for women who embrace their sexuality.
There is so much I loved about this book, but mostly it’s the humanity I found in abundance. Cheryl’s enlightened soul shines brightly from every page. Her no nonsense approach to all things sexual is an inspiration. And her perseverance to bring surrogate partner therapy into the mainstream is laudable.
…what separates surrogates from prostitutes is significant. When people have difficulties grasping [that], I turn to my beloved and late friend Steven Brown’s cooking analogy that I’ve so often relied on to help me through that question: Seeing a prostitute is like going to a restaurant. Seeing a surrogate is like going to culinary school.
Finally, An Intimate Life is the culmination of Cheryl’s life as a sex educator, her surrogate partner therapy practice being just part of that mission. I highly recommend you read this book. You will, I assure you, come away from it as I have, a better person—enriched, informed, as well as entertained.
Cheryl, thank you for being in my life and being such an abiding inspiration. Thank you too for this marvelous book; now you can be in the lives of so many others who need you so that you can inspire them along their way.
Be sure to visit Cheryl on her site HERE!