By JOACHIM OSUR
When Risper met Tom, she was convinced that he was the Mr Right she had been waiting for. She was thirty-two years old and like any single woman of that age, there was enough pressure from her mum and aunties to get married as quickly as possible.
You see, there is this belief that if you do not marry by a certain age you will remain single forever and may not bear children, so the people who need to be named, those whose names your children should inherit will suffer extinction.
We believe that we live forever by giving our names to newborns from our children. Anyway, that is a story for another day.
And so it was that six months into the relationship Risper and Tom were already having sex. Plans were underway for a wedding.
Tom had already visited Risper’s parents and they were all too thankful to God for favouring their daughter with such a handsome and responsible man – Tom was a doctor, a cardiothoracic surgeon, who had delayed marriage to pursue his specialised medical qualification.
A month before the wedding Risper was seated in front of me at the sexology clinic, weeping. She was weeping because in discovering each other sexually, Tom had ventured into anal sex.
Risper was not psychologically prepared for it. All she could remember was that she heard Tom requesting in the heat of the moment to be allowed to try something new and adventurous. She said okay only to be caught unawares when he penetrated her anus!
“God forgive me, but I have to call off the wedding. I cannot marry Tom! I will not entertain homosexuality; it is evil, it is unacceptable, it is wrong!” Risper said, her eyes red and wet with tears.
But anal sex is not synonymous with homosexuality. Homosexuality is sexual attraction to a person of the same sex. For women, it is called lesbianism (where a woman is attracted sexually to another woman.) Men who are attracted sexually to other men are gay. When a man is sexually attracted to a woman, like in Tom’s case, then he cannot be labeled homosexual.
“But tell me doctor, how do gay men have sex, is it not anal sex?” Risper asked not believing me.
Well, anal sex between men is gay sex but between a man and a woman it is heterosexual anal sex and it does happen. There are heterosexual couples who find it pleasurable and if they mutually enjoy it, they should be allowed to do it.
The scenario is different if one partner is uncomfortable with any type of sexual adventure in a relationship. There should be mutual discussion about it and if one party finds it unacceptable, just keep off.
“My anus hurts! I do not understand why he had to do this to me!” Risper said writhing in pain and ignoring my advice.
Of course if one chooses to have anal sex it must be understood that the anus does not lubricate (a vagina does). Applying a lubricant before penetration is important. Further, one has to be gentle and considerate of the partner’s feelings. It is insensitve to cause pain and injury to one’s partner during sex in the name of adventure.
“In fact, it is unchristian to do what Tom did to me! If I reported him to our pastor, the church would call for prayer and fasting for God to deliver us,” Risper interjected.
And yes, one’s values do matter as far as sexual adventures are concerned. If it is against your values it is better to keep off. There are people who cannot entertain anal sex, oral sex or other forms of sex other than the traditional intercourse where the penis goes into the vagina. This should be respected.
The next day I had a sit-down with both Risper and Tom and reiterated the etiquette of introducing new sexual moves to each other. Tom was saddened to hear that Risper had considered calling off the wedding.
“You know what, doctor? I did what I did to please Risper. I read somewhere that women enjoy it. In fact I forced myself into it and did not enjoy it at all,” Tom explained, gloom painted on his face.
“Well, you have learnt your lesson, in sex sometimes words speak louder than actions and you have to learn to use words more than your actions especially when introducing something new,” I explained, to which Tom nodded vigorously.
So the wedding plans continued and the couple is now married and living happily together. Two years into the marriage, Tom called and informed me that Risper had delivered a bouncing baby girl at dawn. The baby was named after Tom’s mother.
“Thank you for setting us straight on that fateful day, I cannot forget your intervention; it saved my marriage!” Tom said bursting into a loud staccato laughter.
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