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Libido Disparity

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No other sexual complaint for couples is more pervasive then that of libido disparity. I’ve heard from hundreds of frustrated and desperate women and men trapped in undersexed relationships. It’s one thing to have the sexual connection drift away by mutual consent. It’s quite another to have one partner unilaterally dissolve the sexual connection leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

Often a partner will refuse to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive. I understand not knowing what to say when things go south, or not knowing how to say what may be on your mind. But to clam up all together, that’s just unfair.

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Sexual wellbeing in a relationship is more than simply getting off. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that result when there’s a breakdown of this can spill over and contaminate other areas of the relationship.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the problem in these private sessions. It’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

Some people don’t know how to express themselves without hurting the feelings of the other. Or an individual may not know why things are different than they once were. Often there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes medical and psychological issues are impacting on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few. But more frequently than not, the explanation is the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

When the couple is ready to break open this discussion, I encourage them to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. I ask them to identify how they feel and own their feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Avoid statements like; “you make me feel…” Active listening is as important as being honest with one’s feelings.

The couple moves on to identify concrete steps they can take together to address the problem. Making a mutually agreed upon plan of action and sticking to it is essential.

Problems do not go away simply by ignoring them. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surly fuck things up royally.

Good luck

Kink for Yuppies

Hey sex fans!

It’s another Product Review Friday. Today we have two LELO products to tell you about.  And, as you know, every time you hear the name LELO you know something up-scale is in the offing.

Today’s reviews are brought to you by Dr Dick Review Crew members Gina & Kevin.

Boa Pleasure Ties —— $80.45
Intima Silk Blindfold —— $59.55

Gina & Kevin
Gina: “We have two LELO Pleasure Products to tell you about today. Generally, we would do separate reviews for each, but in this instance, since the two products are companion pieces; we thought we’d tie them together in one review.”
Kevin: “Tie then together! You’re such a punster, Gina. The two products are the Boa Pleasure Ties and the Intima Silk Blindfold. If you haven’t already guessed these items are sheshe bondage toys.”

Gina: “The Boa Pleasure Ties are two 42” lengths of luscious 100% pure scarlet silk to be used as restraints. At one end of each tie is a lightly weighted pouch, at the other end stylish metal rings. This is divine decadence at its…well most decedent. You use the Boa Pleasure Ties as you would any restraint. Use them to secure wrists and/or ankles to a bedpost, or the like, for some lie-down bondage.”
Kevin: “You can also sling the weighted pouches over a door. When the door is closed the pouches keep the ties from slipping through, allowing for some stand-up bondage.”

Gina: “The Boa Pleasure Ties work like a typical two O-ring belt does. You make a loop around the parts you are restraining; the end is pulled through the two O-rings, then doubled back around one o-ring to keep the restraint in place. The silk moves smoothly and effortlessly over the skin.”
Kevin: “The Intima Silk Blindfold, on the other hand, is designed to offer sensual sensory deprivation along with your sensual bondage. It too is made of 100% pure scarlet silk. I have to say; the concept, craftsmanship and production values of both these products are exquisite. The attention to detail is remarkable. But then again, I wouldn’t expect anything less from the venerable LELO brand.”
Gina: “And while we’re talking about presentation, we should also say a few words about the packaging. Both packages are identical and in a word, elegant. Both the blindfold and ties come in a simple, understated black matte box that is encased in an outer box of glossy cardboard. The outer box features a stunning image of the product and it is embossed with the LELO logo. Inside the inner black matte box, the products are wrapped inside attractive high-quality tissue paper. All the packaging is biodegradable. Congratulations on GREENING your packaging, LELO.”
Kevin: “OK, so that’s all the good stuff. Let’s take a closer look, shall we? The Boa Pleasure Ties are basically extravagant playthings. They are not intended for a real bondage scenario. The oversized O-rings let the silk material slip between them with ease. This will frustrate anyone but the rank amateur or a silly dilettante.”
Gina: “And the Intima Silk Blindfold doesn’t actually work when put to the test. The design is very peculiar. It is a one-piece blindfold that has a tight elastic band in back. It did not fit comfortably on my head; it was way too tight. The curious thing is that the blindfold comes with attached ties that would have served much better for securing the blindfold to one’s head. Why it has both an elastic band and ties is beyond me.”
Kevin: “And although the blindfold is attractive, it simply doesn’t provide the sensory deprivation any true blindfold should. You can see light through it and it doesn’t cover ones eyes properly.”
Gina: “And whatever you do, don’t get either the Boa Pleasure Ties or the Intima Silk Blindfold dirty. Body oils, makeup and perspiration will ruin the silk. And if you should accidentally get lube on either one of these toys, you can forget about it.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

When you wish upon a star

Hey sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday and we welcome a new manufacturer to our review effort today. They’ve graciously sent us three of their fine products for review and we will be presenting our evaluation of all three in turn. Join me in welcoming the good people at BodyWand. http://www.thebodywand.com/

Today’s review is brought to you by Dr Dick Review Crew member — Dixie

Bodywand Rechargeable Massager —— $88.03

Dixie
I have a marvelous mid-sized wand type massager to tell you about today. Allow me to present the Bodywand Rechargeable Massager. This thing is extraordinary. It’s only about 8 inches long from tip to toe. And it’s cordless! That in itself floats my boat. Listen, I’ve tried battery operated vibes and vibes that plug directly into an AC outlet in the wall. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats cordless. That being said, I also know that sometimes one has to sacrifice power for mobility. However that is not the case with the Bodywand Rechargeable Massager.

I thought for certain that a diminutive vibe like this wouldn’t be able to deliver the level of vibration a full-sized plug-in vibe like my trusty Hitachi does, but I was oh so wrong. This handy, ergonomically shaped puppy knocks my socks off. It is the sweetest, strongest vibrator, per inch, I have ever used.

Bodywand Rechargeable Massager features a wheel/dial type controller. It is easily manipulated with one finger. You turn it on and off and you dial it up or dial it down, with one motion. And it goes from mild to “OMG, I can barely stand it in” nothing flat. A15-minute charge provides you 30 minutes of bliss. It can also be operated while it is plugged in, so there’s that.

The Bodywand Rechargeable Massager recharges using an AC adaptor that plugs into a port in the handle of the unit. There is a little rubber plug that covers the recharge port to keep the port clean and dry. Here’s a tip; don’t lose the little rubber plug. In my haste to charge the Bodywand Rechargeable Massageronce I got it home, I carelessly set aside the plug not remembering where I put it. It wasn’t until the unit was completely recharged that I had to go search for the plug. Luckily I didn’t discard it with the packaging.

Speaking of the packaging, it’s pretty minimal. A plastic clamshell insert slips in an attractively designed folded cardboard sheath. The package contains the vibe, AC adapter and a velvet drawstring pouch for storage. The Bodywand Rechargeable Massager comes in two colors, green and lavender. I have the green one.

One thing to note, when the Bodywand Rechargeable Massager is operating at high speed there is a good deal of vibration in the handle of the unit. I suppose this is unavoidable seeing its diminutive size. It’s also not particularly quiet, although the promotional materials on the box claim that it is.

The Bodywand website claims that this vibe “can be fitted with an range of attachments to create a palette of sensual delights.” I’m all about attachments for wand type massagers, but neither Dr Dick or I could find any attachments for sale on their website. This was a big disappointment. But, ya know what? I got over it with a little playtime with my new buddy, the Bodywand Rechargeable Massager.

I’m partial to using some lube, even when I’m stimulating myself externally. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any information on the package about what the domed head of the massager is made of. I was pretty sure it’s not silicone, so I used a silicone-based lube with it and there were no ill effects. I mention this because silicone-based lube will degrade a fine silicone toy. (Note to manufacturer: it’s always a good idea to include information on the materials used in producing a toy. This helps the consumer make an educated decision on if it is right for her/him and what kind of lube can be used with it.)
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

The Erotic Mind of Marlen Boro — Podcast #289 — 07/11/11

Hey sex fans,

The Erotic Mind series returns today and not a moment too soon. I’ve been anticipating my guest’s appearance on this show for like for-EVAH!

Scheduling difficulties, pesky national holidays and the fact that my guest is constantly shooting beautiful men in the most gorgeous way have all conspired to make it impossible for me to get his attention. But finally, the fates have smiled on me and we are about to meet an extraordinary mischievous photographer with a heart of gold. But first we must travel to the wilds of Minnesota where we will welcome the one and only Marlen Boro.

Marlen’s photography is more than simple eye candy; it’s a celebration of masculinity, but without all the pretensions. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.

Marlen and I discuss:

  • Nude male photography without the pretension;
  • His mischievous side;
  • His “idyllic” childhood, being “different” and Disney musicals;
  • His chosen name;
  • Erotic communism;
  • The resurgence of photography in his life mid-career;
  • His blog;
  • The diligent hard work behind the casualness of his imagery.

For more of Marlen, be sure to visit his site HERE!  Look for him on Facebook HERE! And follow him on Twitter HERE!

Click on the thumbnail images below to see a slideshow of some of Marlen’s beautiful photography.

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BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.

Guess What, Honey? I’m A Kinky Old Perv!

And now, by popular demand, a reprint of an old favorite.

So you’ve met the person of your dreams only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big-time bondage. Or that you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the lowly little bitch that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic—you know, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked til your shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toejam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly knickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear—Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread.

Dear Dr. Dick,
Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink can be a little tricky; the whole love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go, either. Why not just stand tall like the filthy pervert you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to Little Miss Mary Sunshine? After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life walks with a pronounced limp (or perhaps is suffering from a case of the gout). Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows—s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Case in point. Here’s part of an exchange I had with a young man from Omaha.

Dear Doc,
I’m 23, and I’ve been dating 30-year-old chick for nearly a year now. I come from a very conservative Christian upbringing and I love that she is more experienced than me. My girlfriend likes to tie me up. I’m a college gymnast so I have very defined muscles. They are a huge turn on for my girlfriend, which I guess explains why she likes to see me struggle against the rope. I get real turned on too when I’m tied up. Sometimes she teases my penis and testicles with a feather or a piece of leather, which drives me wild. I’m worried though, because I think this is gonna warp me somehow. Do you think this is perverted? Why is it so much fun?

Ahhh yeah, Jake, I do think it’s perverted. I think your girlfriend is a big fat pervert and I think you’re still just a teensy-weensy little pervert—but well on your way to Big Fat Perverthood (note: Big Fat Perverthood is not a clinical term; just something we toss around the office for fun), just like your girlfriend. And why is this bondage thing so much fun? It’s such a blast because it IS perverted, IS nasty and IS forbidden, silly! One can only guess what your fundamentalist Christian mom and dad would think about their star athlete son trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey while a considerably older dominatrix punishes his family jewels. I fear this apple has fallen a great distance from the tree, right, Jake? I absolutely love it!

Okay, back to telling your partner about your kink. Here’s what I suggest. Casually direct the conversation to the amazing variety of human sexual expression. You could reassure your sweetie that just because some things are unfamiliar to her/him doesn’t make them bad. Tell him/her that you’ve been waiting for your relationship to mature so that you could share the intricacies of your desires with him/her. This can be one of those precious bonding moments that Oprah is always going on about.

This might be a good time to view that special video you picked up in the kink section of the local porn emporium. Invite her/him to explore your fantasy with you. Tell the little flower that your love for him/her demands that you share the fullness of your sexuality with her/him. Then pick one turn-on for the two of you to experiment with—lingerie, toys, dominance and submission, pee, role-playing—whatever your hearts desire.

Decide on a safe-word, an out-of-context word your partner can use if the experiment is heading in an uncomfortable direction. For example, if the dildo is too big or the lipstick is too red, s/he could say “pickles.” The safe-word, when uttered in the scenario, will let you know that you need to change direction or slow down without completely destroying the built-up sexual energy.

If this initiation process doesn’t work, Dr. Dick suggests that you cut your losses and dump the white bread. Go out and find yourself a kindred spirit, someone you won’t have to apologize to for being creative in your sex play. Because, as we all know, the key to fantastic sex is all about communicating – and if you can’t be honest about what you want, then it won’t be long until you’re looking around, wondering how the hell you got to a sex life full of furtive, 2 minute, missionary position encounters. And life is way too short for that crap.