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SEX WISDOM With Benjamin Law — Podcast #419 — 06/04/14


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

June is indeed bustin’ out all over. And that can mean only one thing here at Dr Dick’s Sex Advice. IT’S LGBT PRIDE MONTH! Hurray!

Benjamin Law-1

To kick off our celebration we’re gonna take an audio fieldtrip to the land down under to visit with one of the most interesting men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. And seeing this is the SEX WISDOM show, you can be certain that my guest is among the movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality. Because this is the series where we meet researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers who are helping us take a fresh look at our sexual selves.

My guest is none other than Benjamin Law, the author of the critically acclaimed book, Gaysia; Adventures in the Queer East. Benjamin is a journalist, columnist, and screenwriter. And has a Ph.D. in television writing and cultural studies, don’t cha know. His passion is evident in all he does, but he is also funny as all get out. I can’t wait for you to meet him.

Benjamin and I discuss:

  • His way with words;
  • Cleis Press, his North American Publisher;
  • His international audience;
  • Modern gay consciousness is linked to a certain economic class;
  • Bad reviews;
  • Sex tourism;
  • Living on the sexual fringe;
  • His travels throughout south Asia;
  • Religion, family responsibilities, and sexual minorities;
  • Sex work can come from a place of pride or from a place of desperation;
  • The double standard for women and men.

I’m going to make sure that Benjamin reads from Gaysia; Adventures in the Queer East, so you won’t want to miss that.

Benjamin invites you to visit him on his site HERE! And he’s also on Twitter HERE!

Click on the cover art below for more information about Gaysia; Adventures in the Queer East.

Gaysia Adventures in the Queer East

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Flipped Out

Hey sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday! Way back in 2007 I reviewed a sex toy from the Japanese manufacturer, Tenga. It was one of their earliest designs and frankly, I hated it. You can find that review HERE!  I’ve avoided the Tenga line ever since. Now my sources tell me things have changed. Not one to hold a grudge, I got one of their latest incarnations for us to review.

So let’s check in with Dr Dick Review Crew members, Mick and Chuck, to see what they have for us.

Tenga Flip —— $99.00

Mick and Chuck
Mick: “Here’s the Tenga Flip. It’s a masturbation device for men.”tenga-black-flip-hole-1-900x900
Chuck: “Way to cut to the chase, Mick.”
Mick: “Well, that’s what it is! No need to beat around the bush. Oh, I think I made a pun. So here’s the deal; Chuck and I are into edge play. And for those unfamiliar with that term, that means jackin’ off while trying to last as long as you can.”
Chuck: “We’ve been doin’ this for years now and we can last for hours. It’s great. Mostly we just use our hands, but we also have a nice selection of masturbation sleeves and strokers too.”
Mick: “Yeah, we like mixing things up. Edging should never be boring. The Tenga Flip is our new favorite jerk off toy. Let me describe the brilliant design to you. Actually, there’s two parts to it. There’s the hard plastic outer shell and the soft stretchy inside. Unlike other such toys, the soft squishy sleeve is not removable. Rather the case is hinged so that it opens so you can lube up the sleeve before use and easy clean up after use.”tenga-flip-hole-male-mastubator-red
Chuck: “We used to have a favorite toy like this; I won’t mention the name, but its the most popular brand. It was fun to use, but clean up was a bitch. And the soft squishy sleeve would get tacky after a couple of uses and it would have to be replaced. I hated that! The Tenga Flip is a vast improvement over that most popular brand.”
Mick: “While we’re on the topic of the sleeve, I want to add that it’s made of an elastomer that is nonporous as well as latex and phthalate-free. The sleeve also features six different chambers, each shaped and positioned in a way to produce a different sensation.”
Chuck: “Check out the outer shell. See these three large plastic buttons? When you press down on the one nearest the opening, you are actually pressing down on the shaft of your cock, which creates a snugger fit at the opening of the Tenga Flip. When you press the middle button, it creates a vacuum effect in the chamber, which is so cool. And when you press Flip insidedown on the third button the entire sleeve softens and allows the lube you added before your session to flow more freely up and down the length of the sleeve. This creates a wetter, squishier feeling inside the sleeve. It’s like having three toys in one.”
Mick: “The Tenga Flip comes in two colors — black and red. But here’s the thing; it’s not just about a color preference. The black one features a snugger sensation, the red one features a caressing sensation.”
Chuck: “Clean up, as we mentioned earlier is easy with just hand soap and warm water. And then you can let it air dry by using the case as a stand. Again, totally cool.”
Mick: “If there’s one drawback, I’d have to say that the Tenga Flip is not designed for big-dicked guys. I’m a little above average in the girth department and it is almost too snug for me.”
Chuck: “It’s also not cheap! But ya know what? Tenga is using high quality materials and you can’t beat the amazing design, so I think it’s worth it.”
Mick: “I should also mention that the Tenga Flip comes with three samples of their branded water-based lube, with varying consistencies from thin to thick.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

A Budding Kinkster’s Dilemma, Part 2

So I heard back from Todd. I shared his first message to me last Monday. You can find that exchange HERE!

Name: Todd
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Oregon
I took your advice and found a local club of like-minded people. I went to one of their mixers. I met so many amazing people. Among them was this woman who is about 16 years older than me. She’s a mistress and a Dom for women only. She was kind enough to take me under her wing. She’s married to this guy who also attends these mixers, but is not really part of the scene. This woman has been so amazing teaching me and letting me sit in on her sessions. Her submissives have also been amazing and so patient with me as I find my footing.

So this leads me to my problem. I’ve only dominated with her 3 times. Each time it gets easier and more comfortable and I love it. And strange as it sounds, now this mistress has invited me to dominate her. And I understand that this is a huge honor for a seasoned Dom to invite a novice to dominate her. The one thing that tears me is her husband. She also has a child. So I need to know what the etiquette is what the boundaries are on this. I can’t hardly go up to the husband and say, “hey, is it ok for me to spank your wife.” I guess I feel a little taboo about that.

My friend, you are bringing your traditional middle-class vanilla value system to this new alternative and very un-vanilla situation that you now find yourself in. This conventional value system and its accompanying boundaries may serve you well in your “regular” life, but here in this new life, they are outmoded and cumbersome.

gentleThat is not to say that in the kink world anything goes. On the contrary, it’s just that the value system here is way different and thus so will the etiquette be. Here’s a rule of thumb that you can live by. When someone, particularly someone of exceptional stature in alt culture, like this dominant woman, invites you to participate with her in a scene; she is letting you know that these are the boundaries. You’ll rarely go wrong if you allow your more seasoned partner to lead you, even if you are going to be the Dom in an upcoming scene.

Regarding her husband, he’s not the one who authorizes or prohibits the encounter. It is the woman who is in charge. I mean it’s conceivable that he could be a cuckold for his wife. Much stranger things have happened, don’t cha know. And if you don’t know about the cuckold fetish that so many men groove on, then you have even more remedial study ahead of you.

I do appreciate that you continue to check in with me about your adventure. I am so proud of you for being humble enough to submit to a woman’s tutelage. That marks you as an exceptional fellow indeed. Keep it up and keep me posted.

Finally I want to encourage you to check out my podcast series called Sex EDGE-U-cation.  This is the series where we take a look at the fascinating world of fetish sex and kink. In fact, you might invite your new Dom woman friend to listen in with you. I chat with amazing guests from around the world, and each of them offers a unique perspective on live on the edge.  Of particular interest will be my conversations with these marvelous professional Doms:  Mistress Katherine, Mistress Matisse, Lady Lydia, Lady HotchKiss, Claire Adams, Eve Minax, and Cleo Dubois.

Good luck

Pesky Pronouns

Name: Lynn
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Eugene, OR
I have a friend who is driving me (us) crazy. She is my age and we’ve been best friends since grade school. Last year I came out to her as a lesbian and she was very supportive and loving. This year it’s her turn. She cut her hair really short and now only wears men’s clothes. Thing is, she’s not gay, or lesbian. In fact, she doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. As far as I know she’s still a virgin. She told me that she’s gender queer. I was like, OK cool. Then she changed her name and wanted all her friends to call her by her new gender-neutral name. I was like, OK cool. Now she wants us to use gender-neutral pronouns—they, their, and them when referring to “her.” This just sounds dumb. I want to be loving and supportive of her, like she was for me, but I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s like this whole thing is an act, like she is trying to see how much attention she can get. A lot of our friends have just given up on her, but I don’t want to do that. At the same time it’s like she’s mocking our trans friends who have real gender concerns. Am I being a dick for not wanting to go along with this?

Curious word choice there, young lesbian Lynn. Are you being a dick? Hell, I don’t know. What I can say for certain is, if we were being totally politically correct, we wouldn’t use euphemisms for our genitals in a derogatory way, right? Luckily, I’m not the least bit PC as you will discover from my comments below.gender-fuck

The question you raise in your email is a thorny one and I’m not sure I know how to respond. Gender is the new hot button issue and it is rapidly becoming the litmus test for PC crowd. As you suggest, it sometimes looks as though some folks are just trying to get attention or see how much the traffic will bear.

I’m going to be pretty self-referential in my response because I feel like I’ve been here before. Let me explain.

When I was about your age and into my early 20’s the modern gay lib movement here in the US was just finding its footing. Stonewall had just happened and those of us on the sexual fringe were tying to come up with a new vocabulary with which to talk about ourselves. No one I knew liked the term homosexual for obvious reasons. Some of us, myself included, preferred the term, homophile. The difference being one was about loving, the other was about sex. That term didn’t catch on, but “gay” sure did. I was fine with that, even though it wasn’t my first choice. As I began to take a closer look at my sexual orientation and identity, I became a bit more radical; gay just didn’t cut it anymore. I began to embrace the term “queer.”

look!When I was a boy, the term queer, often directed at me because I wasn’t like the other boys, was hate-filled and hurtful. It stung and I was ashamed. By my mid 20’s, however, I was no longer ashamed. In fact, I was full of a new found fervor that was connected to my new found identity as a sexual outlaw. I know for certain that my radicalness was a little off-putting to some people, even people who wanted to love and support me.

After I passed through my militancy stage, I continued to use the term queer to describe myself as a way of showing the world that I had reclaimed and detoxified the word that once brought me shame. It became my own personal badge of honor.  Maybe you’ve had a similar ark in your coming out, Lynn.

The curious thing is I’ve lived long enough to see the term I fought so hard to reclaim morph yet again. Nowadays, when someone self-identifies as queer, more often than not, it has to do with gender; it no longer has a strong sexual connotation. I feel a little bummed about this because one of my favorite words has been coopted by another group of people.  But that’s the nature of language, right?Gender-Outlaws6

Over the decades since I first began to struggle with who I was and how I would talk about myself to others, I’ve seen numerous fracturing of the solidarity we sexual outlaws might have had. There was a virulent strain of lesbian separatism that cropped up in the mid 70’s. But most of that has dissipated since. And there was the radicalism that came with HIV/AIDS, which turned quiet, unassuming, cocktail sipping homos into fearless street fighters. That too has played itself out. In fact, now that marriage equality is all the rage, some of us old queers are asking if it’s still possible to be a sexual outlaw by just being gay. I fear not. Apparently, gender benders are the new sexual outlaws. OK, my time has past; I get it. I have no hard feelings, but I do have a wistfulness for days gone by.

It’s also been my experience that some of us, and I include my younger self in this category, have an uncanny ability to alienate loads of people with our politics. That can be a good thing, but radicalism can, and often does, alienate those who would naturally be our allies as well as some of those who struggle next to us. There’s nothing more devastating to a popular movement than having a bunch of edgier-than-thou folks setting themselves up as the thought police. When this happens, as it always does, it suggests to me that we are more interested in making a point than making a connection. This is a particularly acute problem for the newly liberated crowd, often found on college campuses. They are flush with indignation as they discover that life is not fair. They tend to use the scattergun approach when doling out their fury regardless if those around them are deserved of their wrath or not.

fuck genderThe current incarnation of the gender liberation movement suffers from a lot of the excesses that other liberation movements have experienced before it—intolerance and dogmatism among them. The thing is, gender-fuck has a long history and an honored place in sexual politics. However, in the past, this has mostly expressed itself in street theater. Nowadays, there is precious little humor among the new gender warriors, and very few of these zealots can laugh at themselves. That tells me we’re all in for a very rough ride ahead.

I know how important a shift in vocabulary is to making the dominant culture see its oppression, but the pronoun thing is just awkward. For one thing, there’s no agreement on what pronouns to use for those who are rallying for gender neutrality. Some people militate for they, their, and them. Others want the even more extreme “ze,” pronounced as the letter zee. And “hir,” pronounced here. As in, “Ze went to the store and bought hirself an ice cream cone.” Well, if you wanna do that to the language go right ahead, but I refuse!

Besides, are we just supposed to use these twisted pronouns when the gender warrior is in our company, or are we to alter our vocabulary even when they aren’t around? Try using they, their, and them when referring to someone who isn’t present. Confusion will reign.gender neutral pronouns

Lynn, I don’t know your friend so I can hardly make a call on whether your friend is being authentic, disingenuous, or histrionic. But I don’t think you should beat yourself up if you draw the line at a pronoun shift. If your friend takes offense, as well your friend might, you could always compromise and use no pronouns ever in relation to your friend. Simply use your friend’s chosen name each time a pronoun might serve you better. In time, this will surely get exhausting for both you and your friend. But maybe this exercise will help your friend see that you are not the enemy and maybe your friend will then cut you a little slack.

Good luck

Pretty is what pretty does

Name: Nanine
Gender: Female
Age: 50
Location: Kent, WA.
I have problems with my body image. My breasts really sag; my abdominal skin is very loose and hanging. It affects the sexual positions I want to get in. (on top) When I am with someone new, they will tell me that I am very beautiful (they assume I will be underneath as well) and with a feeling of dread I think “wait until you see me with my clothes off.” I know men are very visual. I am very visual! I want to be free to express myself sexually, and I do for the most part, but if I have someone who wants to see me naked or really look at me, it is very hard. Any ideas?

Yeah, men are visual, and if they think you are attractive with your cloths on, maybe that’s all they care about. And anyone who would raise an eyebrow at a middle-aged woman having a middle-aged woman’s body isn’t ready for all the seasoned lovin’ a hot middle-aged woman can offer. Am I right, or am I right?  Besides, darlin’ have you seen what middle-aged men look like in the buff?

beautiful middle-aged womanI am of the mind that those of us who have been around the block a time or ten, if ya know what I mean, should have bodies that look a little lived in. Those who can’t accept that oughta take a hike. That is if you ax me!

It’s like going for a job interview and the interviewer says, “We want all the experience you have, but we want it in a person half your age.” Really?  Well, fuck you very much!  That’s not gonna happen.

Listen, Nanine, the freedom you seek to express your sexuality without encumbrances is gonna flow from inside you, from the comfort level you have in being your own self, including your saggy tits or loose abdominal skin. You either embrace your sexy self with all your assets and liabilities, or ya don’t. And if ya don’t, then it’s your fault, not some shallow dude who might dismiss you for having less than a perfect body at age 50.

So many of us script ourselves right out of all the best sex and intimacy we desire. We foolishly buy into the dominant culture’s ideas and norms of what is attractive and what is not and we do it at our own peril.

Give yourself a break, hun, be proud of those less than perky tits of yours and let your tummy hang-the fuck-out all over the place. Stand against the popular culture’s notion of beauty, vitality, and sexiness; don’t feed it. And I certainly discourage you from projecting society’s judgmental attitudes on your potential partners. After all, they may be way more liberated than you.

Good luck

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