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Fear, Rage And Lust, A Volatile Concoction

It’s not often that I receive a message from someone that chills me to the bone. But what you are about to read does precisely that. Sadly, my correspondent chooses to remain anonymous, so I can’t address him directly or personally. But, with a little luck, this very unhappy person will return to my site and find the heartfelt response I’ve prepared for him. If not, I fear the worst will happen.

 

I was raised to believe that fornication would ruin my future marriage, and I believed it. But as time went on, and had trouble attracting women since I had social phobia, I noticed that no one else was waiting until marriage. I felt angry, as if I had been betrayed and left behind. As I get older, the possibility of finding a “pure” woman my age dwindles (I’m almost 30 now). I’m still a virgin myself, and fear having sex with a woman my age because she might judge my inexperience and clumsiness. I also fear that she would compare me with other men. I’m now an atheist, and I know these doctrines are wrong, but I can’t stop feeling jealous and depressed knowing that women my age have all loved other men by now, and I’ll probably never be anyone’s first. Is there treatment for this? Or even a name for this condition?

My friend, thank you for reaching out to me. I only wish you had done so in a way that I could communicate directly and personally to you. I will do my level best to be as kind as I can while I address your many-layered problem. But if I wind up being sharp with you, it’s only because I believe the situation demands that I not soft-pedal my advice to you. So here goes.ShameHands

You, sir, are in critical condition! Yes, there is a treatment for what you have and yes, there’s also the name for what you have. You suffer from acute misogyny. And my treatment recommendations are as follows.

You need to be in the care of a skilled professional, one who understands both your religious background and your current sexual malaise. I could be that person for you, but I won’t take on that responsibility through an anonymous exchange like what we’re doing here. Be a man, stand up, identify yourself, and own your shit. This will be your first step toward healing the rift you have between what you desire and what makes you angry and ashamed.

I can’t help but make the comparison between your message to me and those chilling videos made by the UC Santa Barbara shooter before he went on his rampage some weeks ago. Like you, he was motivated by his intense misogyny and his sense of entitlement to sex. And it scares the bejesus out of me that I have you within reach, all lustful and enraged, yet I am unable to help you personally.

RageI want to first address your religious upbringing. And I think I’m qualified to do this because I was a Catholic priest for 20 years, many years ago. As you now can see for yourself you were duped. The fundamentalism you were fed as a youngster has made you into a bit of a monster. It has made you sick with rage and lust and it has also made you as vengeful as the God of the Hebrew Testament. Surely you can see that nothing good can come from this volatile combination.

I call your condition misogyny because your lust and rage is directed toward woman. Somehow you got it in your head that you are entitled to some pussy and that pussy had better be virginal pussy to boot. And if you don’t get what you think is rightfully yours, because this is the birthright of all men, there is gonna be hell to pay.

Listen up, buckaroo; you are not entitled to anything sexual, no one is. You are particularly not entitled to pussy. And plank_in_eyewhoever told you that you are or suggested that you have something coming to you simply because you’re swinging some pipe between your legs is as big a fool as you are for believing that shit. I’m also pretty certain that you got this message right along with your religious indoctrination, which makes it all the more insidious. The curious thing is, I can’t tell if your fundamentalism is Christian, Jewish, or Muslim. And, in the end, I don’t suppose it make much difference. But I am willing to wager every cent I have that it is one of those three. I say that because monotheistic fundamentalism is at its core, misogynistic. The acolytes of the male god of these three traditions have enshrined the male privilege and women have been paying the price for that bullshit for millennia. It has got to stop!

When men, like you, get it in your head that one woman in particular, or all women in general, have deprived you of what is rightly yours, you know someone is gonna get hurt and hurt badly. Curiously, you don’t take yourself to task for your social phobia and awkwardness even though you acknowledge that these are precisely the things that get in the way of you making yourself attractive to the women you desire. Rather, it is somehow the fault of women because they won’t look beyond your loutishness to see the sweet guy beneath your caustic exterior. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be a man.

perception-of-fundamentalismI’m sure glad you identified how fear and bitterness has crippled you. You are afraid that women will judge your inexperience and clumsiness and compare you with their other lovers. Welcome to the real world, my friend. We all make judgments; we all make comparisons. Just look at all the judgments you are making about women. Shame on you for trying to point out the speck in someone else’s eye while you have a plank in your own.

Instead of humbling yourself and asking for the help you need to overcome your social and sexual awkwardness, you project hate and show absolutely no compassion toward the very women who are in the ideal position to help you. What does that say about you?

This lethal concoction of hate, shame, fear, and a sense of sexual inadequacy is what perpetuate the rape culture that plagues our society. You sir, are the problem! And until you acknowledge the fact that you are the agent of your own frustration, and get your shit together, all the women around you should be afraid for their virtue as well as their life.

Another telltale sign of this facacta religious fundamentalism that has poisoned your psyche is your preoccupation with the virginity of your perspective mate. So you want someone “pure,” a woman unsullied by another man, huh? Well then here’s a tip. That kind of purity, if there is indeed such at thing, is reserved for someone equally pure; and I don’t mean sexually inexperienced. You should be pure of heart. And there is nothing pure about your heart. Your rage, shame, and lust defile you and make you base. You are, to use religious language, unclean.Love-Lust

It never ceases to amaze me that people, like you, think sex sullies a person. And yet you crave the very sex that will make you and your prospective partner impure. Believe me when I tell you this; even if you enter a marriage with a virgin, as a virgin, just like religious fundamentalists prescribe, you will come away from your first sexual encounter feeling as defiled as you know your wife will be. That’s because your sexuality is based in shame. Your vocabulary betrays you. No wonder even religious fundamentalist women keep their distance from you. You are like a suicide bomber’s vest, ready to detonate.

One more thing, you are definitely not an atheist. And no amount of you saying that you are will make it so. What you are is a disgruntled religious fundamentalist. I mean I completely understand why you are livid. You’ve been consistently lied to about sex and you never learned anything about love. Besides atheists don’t need any more angry doctrinaire lugheads, like you. They have plenty of those already. In fact, it’s often difficult to tell religious fundamentalists apart from atheistic fundamentalists these days. Everyone is so fuckin’ pissed off all the time.

misogynyHere’s my prescription for getting better. Start working with someone who will help you shed the terrors of your religious upbringing and who will show you the way to embrace a more caring and loving God? I think we both know that you will always be a theist; luckily you get to decide what kind of god will be your god.

Start working with someone who will help you heal the rift you have between what you desire and what makes you angry and ashamed. This will make you a happier person, a better person too. You will, in time, learn that sexuality is gift, not a weapon and certainly not an entitlement. You might even learn how to approach women as your equal, to honor them, not denigrate them. And if you give this therapy the time and effort it deserves you will no longer be jealous and depressed. And hell, you might even get laid.

Good luck

Don’t try this at home…

Hi,
In May of 2013 I was instructed by someone not to cum for a year. He also instructed me to play with myself, but any sight of pre-cum I must add six months of no cumming. This could go on for years. Of course I have six months added. I have also been instructed online to put my cock and balls in ice water for a year. I am to hold my cock and balls in ice water for 1 minute; pull out for 1 minute, then repeat this 3 times. If I spill water I add another minute. I also must set my laptop on my cock and balls with no cover, which I am doing now. This is to loosen my cock and balls so I can pull my cock and balls behind my legs during the night to stretch my scrotum and they want my balls to hurt me daily. I write this for you to understand I do as instructed even if it is by chat. My question is, will this hurt me in the long term? I must do it because I do not want to seem as a fake submissive. I guess what I really want to know is what could this do to me in the long run? I have many more things I must do; such as ruler spanking, tie up with weights etc. My instructors plan this on a yearly plus extended plan.
Thank you,
mike

submissive02You’ve been at this extreme cock and ball torture and ejaculation control for nearly a year and you are just now getting around to asking about the possible adverse consequences? Well that don’t make no sense at all, my friend.

And I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you are gonna continue this behavior regardless of what I may tell you. These “instructors” of yours, you only know them from online, right? Listen, I’m all for someone enjoying the life of a submissive. Knock yourself out with that already! What I don’t get is how you can submit to someone you don’t really know. How can you be sure these “instructors” have your best interest at heart and not just making you do stupid and dangerous stuff for their own gratification? Maybe they know they have a gullible twit on their hands who will do anything they tell him to do; and so they make this twit (you) do stuff that endangers his wellbeing. And here’s a tip, pal: doin’ stupid stuff just because some jerk online tells you to do it doesn’t make you a fake submissive. You clearly know nothing about Dominance and submission.submissive01

Here’s the thing, real submissives don’t’ gamble with their health and wellbeing. They also don’t entrust themselves to a Dom that will abuse the power exchange relationship.

The ejaculation control seems excessive to me, but it’s your body. Apparently this gets you off in some fashion or another, just not in the tradition “shoot your wad” sorta way.

male submissiveExtreme ejaculation control, especially over a long period of time will surely impact your sexual response cycle. This excessive edging may make cuming with a partner in the future difficult if not impossible. But maybe that doesn’t concern you. But if future sexual satisfaction with a partner is important to you then I’d suggest you cut back on ejaculation control ASAP.

The same is true for the CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) you’re doin’. Excessive stretching over many hours, like overnight, is not advised. Extreme stretching, like what you describe, can injure your nuts and damage the delicate tissues in your dick. If you want your family jewels to last, I’d suggest you cut back on the stuff you’re doing.

I also suggest that you find someone to dominate you who has your best interest in mind. Remember, BDSM and power play is not abuse.

Good luck

SEX WISDOM With Benjamin Law — Podcast #419 — 06/04/14


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

June is indeed bustin’ out all over. And that can mean only one thing here at Dr Dick’s Sex Advice. IT’S LGBT PRIDE MONTH! Hurray!

Benjamin Law-1

To kick off our celebration we’re gonna take an audio fieldtrip to the land down under to visit with one of the most interesting men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. And seeing this is the SEX WISDOM show, you can be certain that my guest is among the movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality. Because this is the series where we meet researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers who are helping us take a fresh look at our sexual selves.

My guest is none other than Benjamin Law, the author of the critically acclaimed book, Gaysia; Adventures in the Queer East. Benjamin is a journalist, columnist, and screenwriter. And has a Ph.D. in television writing and cultural studies, don’t cha know. His passion is evident in all he does, but he is also funny as all get out. I can’t wait for you to meet him.

Benjamin and I discuss:

  • His way with words;
  • Cleis Press, his North American Publisher;
  • His international audience;
  • Modern gay consciousness is linked to a certain economic class;
  • Bad reviews;
  • Sex tourism;
  • Living on the sexual fringe;
  • His travels throughout south Asia;
  • Religion, family responsibilities, and sexual minorities;
  • Sex work can come from a place of pride or from a place of desperation;
  • The double standard for women and men.

I’m going to make sure that Benjamin reads from Gaysia; Adventures in the Queer East, so you won’t want to miss that.

Benjamin invites you to visit him on his site HERE! And he’s also on Twitter HERE!

Click on the cover art below for more information about Gaysia; Adventures in the Queer East.

Gaysia Adventures in the Queer East

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Flipped Out

Hey sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday! Way back in 2007 I reviewed a sex toy from the Japanese manufacturer, Tenga. It was one of their earliest designs and frankly, I hated it. You can find that review HERE!  I’ve avoided the Tenga line ever since. Now my sources tell me things have changed. Not one to hold a grudge, I got one of their latest incarnations for us to review.

So let’s check in with Dr Dick Review Crew members, Mick and Chuck, to see what they have for us.

Tenga Flip —— $99.00

Mick and Chuck
Mick: “Here’s the Tenga Flip. It’s a masturbation device for men.”tenga-black-flip-hole-1-900x900
Chuck: “Way to cut to the chase, Mick.”
Mick: “Well, that’s what it is! No need to beat around the bush. Oh, I think I made a pun. So here’s the deal; Chuck and I are into edge play. And for those unfamiliar with that term, that means jackin’ off while trying to last as long as you can.”
Chuck: “We’ve been doin’ this for years now and we can last for hours. It’s great. Mostly we just use our hands, but we also have a nice selection of masturbation sleeves and strokers too.”
Mick: “Yeah, we like mixing things up. Edging should never be boring. The Tenga Flip is our new favorite jerk off toy. Let me describe the brilliant design to you. Actually, there’s two parts to it. There’s the hard plastic outer shell and the soft stretchy inside. Unlike other such toys, the soft squishy sleeve is not removable. Rather the case is hinged so that it opens so you can lube up the sleeve before use and easy clean up after use.”tenga-flip-hole-male-mastubator-red
Chuck: “We used to have a favorite toy like this; I won’t mention the name, but its the most popular brand. It was fun to use, but clean up was a bitch. And the soft squishy sleeve would get tacky after a couple of uses and it would have to be replaced. I hated that! The Tenga Flip is a vast improvement over that most popular brand.”
Mick: “While we’re on the topic of the sleeve, I want to add that it’s made of an elastomer that is nonporous as well as latex and phthalate-free. The sleeve also features six different chambers, each shaped and positioned in a way to produce a different sensation.”
Chuck: “Check out the outer shell. See these three large plastic buttons? When you press down on the one nearest the opening, you are actually pressing down on the shaft of your cock, which creates a snugger fit at the opening of the Tenga Flip. When you press the middle button, it creates a vacuum effect in the chamber, which is so cool. And when you press Flip insidedown on the third button the entire sleeve softens and allows the lube you added before your session to flow more freely up and down the length of the sleeve. This creates a wetter, squishier feeling inside the sleeve. It’s like having three toys in one.”
Mick: “The Tenga Flip comes in two colors — black and red. But here’s the thing; it’s not just about a color preference. The black one features a snugger sensation, the red one features a caressing sensation.”
Chuck: “Clean up, as we mentioned earlier is easy with just hand soap and warm water. And then you can let it air dry by using the case as a stand. Again, totally cool.”
Mick: “If there’s one drawback, I’d have to say that the Tenga Flip is not designed for big-dicked guys. I’m a little above average in the girth department and it is almost too snug for me.”
Chuck: “It’s also not cheap! But ya know what? Tenga is using high quality materials and you can’t beat the amazing design, so I think it’s worth it.”
Mick: “I should also mention that the Tenga Flip comes with three samples of their branded water-based lube, with varying consistencies from thin to thick.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

A Budding Kinkster’s Dilemma, Part 2

So I heard back from Todd. I shared his first message to me last Monday. You can find that exchange HERE!

Name: Todd
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Oregon
I took your advice and found a local club of like-minded people. I went to one of their mixers. I met so many amazing people. Among them was this woman who is about 16 years older than me. She’s a mistress and a Dom for women only. She was kind enough to take me under her wing. She’s married to this guy who also attends these mixers, but is not really part of the scene. This woman has been so amazing teaching me and letting me sit in on her sessions. Her submissives have also been amazing and so patient with me as I find my footing.

So this leads me to my problem. I’ve only dominated with her 3 times. Each time it gets easier and more comfortable and I love it. And strange as it sounds, now this mistress has invited me to dominate her. And I understand that this is a huge honor for a seasoned Dom to invite a novice to dominate her. The one thing that tears me is her husband. She also has a child. So I need to know what the etiquette is what the boundaries are on this. I can’t hardly go up to the husband and say, “hey, is it ok for me to spank your wife.” I guess I feel a little taboo about that.

My friend, you are bringing your traditional middle-class vanilla value system to this new alternative and very un-vanilla situation that you now find yourself in. This conventional value system and its accompanying boundaries may serve you well in your “regular” life, but here in this new life, they are outmoded and cumbersome.

gentleThat is not to say that in the kink world anything goes. On the contrary, it’s just that the value system here is way different and thus so will the etiquette be. Here’s a rule of thumb that you can live by. When someone, particularly someone of exceptional stature in alt culture, like this dominant woman, invites you to participate with her in a scene; she is letting you know that these are the boundaries. You’ll rarely go wrong if you allow your more seasoned partner to lead you, even if you are going to be the Dom in an upcoming scene.

Regarding her husband, he’s not the one who authorizes or prohibits the encounter. It is the woman who is in charge. I mean it’s conceivable that he could be a cuckold for his wife. Much stranger things have happened, don’t cha know. And if you don’t know about the cuckold fetish that so many men groove on, then you have even more remedial study ahead of you.

I do appreciate that you continue to check in with me about your adventure. I am so proud of you for being humble enough to submit to a woman’s tutelage. That marks you as an exceptional fellow indeed. Keep it up and keep me posted.

Finally I want to encourage you to check out my podcast series called Sex EDGE-U-cation.  This is the series where we take a look at the fascinating world of fetish sex and kink. In fact, you might invite your new Dom woman friend to listen in with you. I chat with amazing guests from around the world, and each of them offers a unique perspective on live on the edge.  Of particular interest will be my conversations with these marvelous professional Doms:  Mistress Katherine, Mistress Matisse, Lady Lydia, Lady HotchKiss, Claire Adams, Eve Minax, and Cleo Dubois.

Good luck

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