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INTER GENERATIONAL FUN!

A cluster of email arrived lately from folks in inter-generational relationships. They raise some very interesting issues. Check it out.

Dr. Dick, I’m a 20-year-old lesbian and have been involved in a relationship for a year and a half. She is also 23 years older than me. As much as we don’t want to admit it, our age difference is becoming a problem for us. We have had a difficult and stressful ride for the time we have been together. We are just at different places in our lives. Neither one of us truly wants to break it off; we have put far too much effort into this. I don’t doubt our deep feelings for each other, but is love enough to keep a relationship healthy? I would like to think so, but then of course I don’t have any prior experience. I am young and have many years and many possibilities in front of me. This doesn’t concern me, because more than anything I want this to work. What can we do? – Dena

Dear Dena,

The issues you present get right to the heart of some of the stickiest stuff of human relationships — sex, intimacy and love. Each one of these is different from the otherlesbian01.jpg and each satisfies (or frustrates) a specific need in each of us. The problem, of course, is that many of us jumble them all together and make a muddle of things. Let’s see if we can parse things out a bit.

You ask, “is loving someone enough to make a relationship work?” The short answer is, yes, absolutely. The rub comes with defining what that particular relationship will look like. Simply loving someone will NOT be enough to satisfy a need for sexual expression, nor will it satisfy every intimacy need.

That being said, if maintaining your relationship at all costs is your objective, I’d suggest that you consider making some kind of adjustment to your current relationship to allow you to experiment with satisfying your sexual and intimacy needs outside the relationship. Of course, this is often easier said than done.

If your girlfriend is mature enough, she’ll understand your needs and give you the permission you request. If not, you’ll have to do it on your own. You need to grow; so does your partner. Pretending that this issue will somehow disappear, just because you love one another, is foolish. Unattended, these needs will worm their way into every facet of your being together and they’ll destroy everything you currently have in place.

I always favor the up-front approach. Have a frank discussion with your partner. Work out some new, temporary parameters for your relationship. Check in frequently with one another. Take note of how each of you is adjusting to this fresh approach to problem solving. Assure her of her rightful place as your primary partner. All other relationships are merely satellite relationships that are meant to augment what is available on the home front. Of course, you’ll need to grant her the same latitude you seek for yourself. Honesty, communication and assurance will be your keys to success.

Good luck,

Doc, I am 72 years old and I live with a 38 year old young man. Ours is a celibate life but with lots of touch and love. We decided that sex between us could be destructive so we put that aside. We are free to make sexual liaisons outside the relationship, but they have been minimal. We enjoy each other so much without the tension of having to perform that we would like to share the idea with others. We have a freedom that others could cherish. Many have sex without love why not love without sex? I am happy for the first time in my life and suggest these kinds of alternatives in every forum I can. Thank you for your time. – Bill

Dear Bill,older01.jpg What a joy it was reading your e-mail.

You and I share the same mission. We’re both encouraging others to consider the array of different models of loving, intimacy and sex that are available.

Most of the mail I get is from people who, despite being intelligent and sophisticated in most other matters, have absolutely no creativity in terms of the relationships they form. Just about everyone wants to know how he/she can mimic the look and feel of the dominant heterosexual, sexually exclusive model. As if that were the only legitimate means of being together. Why are gay men and lesbians so eager to buy into a lifestyle that rarely works for straight people? Maybe the wisdom you speak of is that which only comes with age and life experience.

There is one thing I’d like to point out. You say, “Ours is a celibate life…” I think you mean to say that you and your partner live a sexually abstinent life together, correct? Celibacy means something very specific; it means not being heterosexually married. This is a common enough mistake, one that permeates the popular culture.

I applaud your determination to bring the “good news” of alternative models of loving, intimacy and sex to every forum you can. I’m doing the same. Good luck in your efforts. You have a kindred spirit in Dr. Dick.

Dr Dick, I’m currently in a long-term relationship with a man who’s 18 years older than I am. I’m 29. It seems that I want to have sex more often than he does. It may be the age difference between us. I have tried masturbation to relieve my need, but it does not work too well. Whenever I’m with him in bed, I feel like touching him and so on. What should I do? – I Need More

Dear INM,

Congratulations! You’ve discovered the joys of inter-generational relationships. And I see you’ve also discovered the challenges.The issue you present is a common one, even for people dating within their own ageolder_male2.jpg group. A disparity in terms of sexual needs often appears between individuals in a relationship. This can be an opportunity for some creative problem solving or it can destroy the whole damn thing.

Here’s my suggestion.

  • First, try to discover if the difference in need has to do with sex or with intimacy. They’re not the same things, ya know. Does your partner even know that you are withering on the vine? Give yourself permission to explore other options to satisfy your libido. Could you have a sexual playmate outside the relationship? Is a three-way possible? Spice things up with some role-playing or a new sex toy. It’s easy to lose interest in sex when the play is boring, repetitive and ho hum.
  • There are lots of sex manuals on the market, to be sure. You could consult one of them for ideas if you can’t tap into your own god-given creativity. Of course a less expensive, and I think a more fun way to do this is to visit your local sex emporium. Don’t have one in your town? Too embarrassed to darken the doorway if there is one in your town? Never fear there are loads of them online. Make a date with your partner to visit a store. Pick out something new and naughty for him/her. Let him/her do the same for you.
  • Remember that sex oughta be an adventure even for an old “married” couple like you. Take all the opportunities that present themselves to make magic happen. You’ll be saving more than your LTR.

Good Luck

LETTERS, LETTERS, WE GOT LETTERS

Dear Doc,

So you’re a sex therapist – very interesting.

Here’s one for you – not that I am trying to get free advice – but when I meet someone I really like – which just happened about 6 weeks ago, I sometimes have a hard time getting hard. I know it is temporary – as when I am alone I always can get excited and masturbate at least once a day. I have a hard time relaxing and trusting the other person – any words of wisdom? Any ways I can relax. I just get stressed about it and worry that I won’t be hard – then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know physically I have a very strong sex drive – but just have never explored it fully with another person.

Thanks,
T

Hey T,

jeans1.jpgIn terms of the intimacy problem you present, I think you pretty much answer your own question. You need to relax. Easier said then done, right? Relaxation techniques, like deep breathing, are very helpful, give it a try.

Some guys also have enormous emotional investments in every one of their sexual connections. This never makes for a relaxed encounter. And as we both know, no relaxation can also mean no erection either.

If I had to guess, I’d say you don’t have a great deal of sexual experience to draw upon; this too can add to performance anxiety. There’s a pretty simple remedy for that too. Go out and get the experience you need.

Sexual experience for the novice fucker is as essential as behind the wheel experience is for a novice driver. The more experience one has behind the wheel, or in your case, in the sack, the more likely that person will be a relaxed and confident driver, Mmm…I mean…fucker.

Good luck

Dr. Dick,

I’m 55, single, and never have been with a man. I view the gay galleries and j/o. Frightened to come out and even more frightened to have an affair. Am I gay or not, is the first question. Second I’m really turned on by men of muscle in the galleries and jo daily.
from dilemma

Dear dilemma,

You have many more pressing emotional and psychological problems than yourassorted1.jpg concern about jerkin off to muscle boy smut and what it might say about you being queer.

When I get this sort of letter from an 18 year old I tend to be a bit more compassionate. After all, a young man doesn’t have the bank of life experience that you do to help guide him in his journey of self-discovery. But you’re 55 years old, for christ sake! Where have you been for the last 30 years? You’re crippled with a shit-load of fear, guilt , shame and self-loathing and that sucks (and not in a good way either). When do you suppose you’re gonna get around to addressing all this baggage, darlin’? You ain’t no spring chicken no more, honey! Time’s a wastin’.

Dr. Dick suggests that you place a moratorium on chokin’ the chicken for a few weeks and spend some of that down time with a qualified therapist who’ll help you face your fears and embrace your identity. For the time being, I can safely say that you are not gay. Dr. Dick reserves that designation for those of us who can self-identify with pride.

Good luck

Ok, Doc. I gotta question for you. I was “playing” with a friend of mine this past week and every time I top him, he can’t stand getting fucked for more than 10 minutes. We start off with him riding me. Then after let’s say 5-7 min, I turn him over on his back and try fucking him with his legs in the air only to have him ask me to pull out after 2 min b/c he’s sore. This is the 2nd time this has occurred. Would it be advisable to let him ride it for the duration of the fuck (I kind of like to be in control, but am totally cool with whatever the bottom wants as long as he feels good). Any other suggestions? I do rim and sometimes I finger him.
Anyway, I’d thought I’d ask a professional like you just so that I can be a better top.
—BMOC

Dear BMOC,

Do you ever bottom? The best advice I have for tops is to bottom on a regular basis. Really! In fact, my rule of thumb is, if ya can’t be a bottom you oughtn’t be a top.

0821.jpgSome tops are angry tops. They have something to prove, or more precisely, something they’re compensating for. That being said, I would add that in your case, your desire to be in control might very well be the root of the problem, at least with this particular bottom. Sounds to me like you are being too aggressive for this guy. Some boys like a nice gentle fuck. The fact that he’s more comfortable riding your dick then you pounding away at him tells me that he needs to be in control not you.

Good luck

Hi Doctor Dick.
I am a French black Bodybuilder into local contests.
My question: Can a dick turn curved from daily j/o? For some years my cock is “looking” to right.
Thanks for answer.
—Mike

Hey Mike,
No, frequent j/o has nothing to do with your dick curving one way or another. That is unless you’re brutalizing it in the process.
black207.jpg Your cock is made up of two blood filled channels (corpora cavernosa) and one sponge like tube encasing the urinary passage (urethra). Sometimes the two corpora cavernosa are not equal in length from birth. Sometime the shortening of one or the other occurs as a man matures. Either way, the result is a curve of the cock towards the shorter side. Some dicks also curve up or down a bit. This is TOTALLY normal and it’s nothing to be concerned about. If, however, the curve becomes very pronounced, or becomes uncomfortable, it can be a sign of trauma. This is technically known as Peyronies disease and can be corrected surgically.
The best bet is to make sure that when you’re jerkin off you treat your dick with care. Remember it’s the only one that you’re ever gonna have.

Good luck

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