Search Results: Roa

You are browsing the search results for ROA

Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Beginning Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

The most frequent questions I get are from your average Dick and Jane, (or Dick and Dick, or Jane and Jane) who want to spice up their sex life. Inevitably they describe the kind of sex they’re currently having. And almost universally the description makes this grown man cry. Jeez, the boredom. How do they stand it? It’s a wonder any of them are having any sex at all.

What is it with the humdrum, run of the mill, and the “we’ve always done it that way mentality?” Are ya’ll afraid that if you add a little something new to your sex chore, from time to time, that the sky will fall? Holy cow!

Today’s tutorial is another attempt to motivate you to get off your butts and make something interesting happen in the sex department. We’ll begin with what was once called foreplay.

First off, I hate the word “foreplay” because it suggests that all these really great sex activities are only a lead up to a single “more important” activity — fucking. It also implies that ya’ll can dispense with the one in order to hurry up and get to the other. And that, my friends, is always a huge mistake.

do-not-disturb.jpgFrom now on I want us to banish “foreplay” from our vocabulary. Instead let’s start using “Sex Play.” It says it all, and it makes no suggestion that anything in particular must follow.

I’m of the mind that we’d all be better served if we thought of sex play as a continuum of pleasure and pleasuring — with a beginning, middle and an end. If you ask me, our sex play ought mirror our sexual response cycles — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution. That way we’re less likely to overburden one particular activity at the expense of all the others. Get it? Got it? Good!

Experienced sex fans agree; the best sexual encounters include an extended period of sensual play at the beginning of most sex play. This brings increased pleasure to both partners, and will make whatever else that might follow more satisfying. Just remember, sex play can be a meal in itself.

Sex play brings spice to the encounter because it gets our motors started. Even all you major sex athletes out there who are perpetually primed for sex will benefit from some hearty sex play. It will help cool your jets and make the encounter last longer than a firecracker. And I know that you know what I mean!rose-flogger

In our hectic rush around world, sex play is particularly important. It helps us transition from the daily cares and woes to the realm of sensual pleasures. The workaholics among us need more time to become fully aroused. Their minds are still filled with the junk of the day, and not yet ready to give or receive pleasure. And pleasuring and being pleasured takes a big attitude shift from that of the rest of the day. In fact, if you’re gonna approach sex and pleasuring with the same mindset you have on the job or with the kids, give it up now and be done with it. You’ll only walk away from the encounter disappointed.

Heart PadlockSex play primes us for maximum pleasure. Men will have the time we need to come to full erection and women will have the time they need to properly lubricate. By the way, this is called the arousal stage in our sexual response cycle. But you probably know that already, right?

When we stop thinking of sex play as “foreplay” we realize there is no such thing as spending too much time giving and getting pleasure. If sex play evolves into full-on fucking — SWELL. Both partners will be fully aroused and fucking will flow naturally and effortlessly from the pleasure enjoyed at the beginning of sex play.

Sex play can include everything from chocolate and whipped cream to whips and chains. But let’s not get too far ahead of our selves. Let’s start at the beginning of sex play. Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being helped out of our daily wear and into something sexy or nothing at all can be very arousing. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. We could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living, but there’s more about this in another tutorial — The Big Tease; How to Strip for Someone Special.Kama Sutra Body Souffle

Creating the right sex environment is important too. Make sure the room is warm. Proper lighting and music will surely add to the mood. Scents are also important. More and more people are incorporating erotica into their sex play — reading a sexy story together or enjoying some hot porn will make the encounter memorable.

Most women complain that their partners don’t kiss long enough and rush the kissing to get at their pussy. Guys, what the fuck? You want pussy? Use your mouth to maximum advantage kiss and nibble all over everything. Literally devour your partner with your mouth. Believe me, if you do this right, by the time you get to her pussy she’s gonna want to give it up big time.

Sex play is the perfect time for setting the mood for all that might follow. It’s a time for sharing fantasies, role-playing, dirty talk or some full body massage. Always have some nice lotion available then use your hands, forearms, feet and elbows to knead your partner’s muscles and naughty bits.

GOK small coverCertain areas on the body are more hot-wired than others. It’s your job to find each and every one your partner has. As you massage vary your strokes and touch to stimulate your partner. Roll your fingertips across his or her nipples and behind his or her ears as you kiss him and tease her with your tongue.

If you’re doin things right, your partner will be moaning with pleasure. If she or he starts getting impatient it’s time to bring out the restraints. There’s nothing like some hot erotic bondage to punctuate your sex play.

While your darling is subdued and possibly blindfolded, crank things up a notch. Add different sensations and stimuli, a warm chocolate sauce followed by ice cream. A fur mitt followed by a Loofah. Introduce some sex toys — a vibrator, tit clamps, or an anal stimulator.

Don’t forget to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask for some feedback and direction. Do you like this? Or do you like this better? Never presume to know what your partner likes simply because he or she liked it before, this is a recipe for boredom and the dreaded bed death. If words fail you, SHOW your partner what you want. Then encourage your partner to do the same to younipple_clamps.jpg.

Sex play is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying and applying those things to their greatest sensual advantage. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in your brain. Sex play is as much of an art form as it is a necessity.

Finally, the basic premise behind all of this is that a great lover is one that gives pleasure because it is its own reward, not a means to getting something else.

Good luck ya’ll

Maybe a little on the side…

Name: Keith
Gender: Male
Age: 65
Location: Montreal
I’ve been in a 32-year marriage with a man. We’ve adopted children together. Lately he’s become impotent. He won’t take any of the meds for erectile dysfunction. I’m still a very, very horny man and wanting sex. I wonder what your advice would be for us. Communication has always been a big part of our relationship, so telling me to discuss this with him won’t be helpful. I’ve done that already. I am considering looking for a sex partner other than my husband, but I don’t want to jeopardize my marriage. And let me know what you think.

OK, here’s what I think. I think a lot of gay men (and straight folks too) stay together in healthy, loving, long-term relationships, even though the relationship (or marriage) is sexless. Most people in these relationships choose domestic tranquility over sexual tension. That sounds like you and your husband, right? And sometimes the partners in these types of relationships give one another permission to pursue the sexual gratification they need and want outside the primary relationship.

feet on buttThat being said, there is certainly a large percentage of gay men (straight folks too) who could not, nor would they want to not stay in a sexless, or one-sided relationship. And so this alternative satellite relationship arrangement would not appeal to them. But this doesn’t sound like you.

The secret here then is to get the permission you need to find what you are looking for before you start the search. I can tell you from my many years of experience that nothing will undermine even a strong, healthy relationship faster than one of the partners launching out on his own looking for satisfaction without asking his partner’s permission to fly solo.

And if you think “flying solo” is only about sex, you are mistaken. Imagine if one person in a relationship unilaterally decided to make a big purchase with communal funds; a purchase so large that it would jeopardize the family’s financial stability. This kind of “flying solo” could easily crash a relationship.

You say that you and your old man are competent in the communication department. Excellent! Because you’re gonna need all those communication skills to broach the subject of sexual independence.

Of course, not to do anything, or settle for the status quo is not an option either. Living without a healthy sexual outlet, even if it can’t be with one’s primary partner will only lead to aggravation and disappointment and that will destabilize even the best of relationships. My experience tells me that the sexually vital partner living in a sexless marriage, like you Keith, will inevitably build up so much frustration that he won’t be able to control it. There will inevitably be an explosion, one that could easily destroy your relationship.open relationship

I’ve worked with dozens of couples, like you and your partner. Some develop strategies for fixing the sexual problems that have come between them. These couples choose to work on rebuilding mutual sexual satisfaction into the relationship. And that can happen lots of different ways. Others couples decide that mutuality can never be achieved and thus they choose to amicably end the relationship and move on. But there is always that third way where one partner concedes that he is unable to fulfill his marital duties and thus grants his partner the freedom (within bounds) to follow his dick.

One can only hope that your partner will welcome this discussion. If he refuses to join you in that conversation, he is in the wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things that are goin’ south, or even not knowing how best to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that would be unjust.

handOnce a couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your husband is looking for to muster his own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surly fuck things up royally.

Good luck

No boundaries, no edge!

Since I published The Gospel of Kink — A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For this past summer, I’ve met dozens and dozens of kinksters from all over the world. Many of these new acquaintances are much younger than I; many have just begun their erotic journey. Their youthful enthusiasm is infectious and they remind me how passionate I was as I began to awaken to my own sexual interests. But that was a very long time ago. So I’m grateful for this infusion of excitement because without it I know that I can easily become callous and jaded.Life-on-the-edge  And where’s the fun in that?

Being as old as I am, I am proud to have been part of the sex-positive and kink aware movements for as long as these terms have been around to help us understand and appreciate the panoply of human sexual response. I have been an out and proud member of the sexual fringe and alt culture for all of my adult life. And I remain an ardent advocate and activist for sexual awareness and life-long sex education and enrichment.

At the same time, I also like being a sexual outlaw. Unfortunately, over the years, many sectors of what was once the edge have been co-opted by the mainstream. Despite this, many of us long to push the envelope and remain outsiders. I admire that about us. However, there is a palpable backlash within the dominant culture toward us, as well as among us, here on the fringe, toward one another.

I don’t think that anyone can argue with the fact that there is a disturbing and very noticeable uptick in violence against the LGBTQ community lately. I chalk this up as a reaction to the gains we’ve made in the marriage equality struggle. Our increased visibility and our growing power base threatens many people who are loathe to relinquish or even share their privilege.  But there is an equally disturbing trend within our own community. I call it the “kinkier than thou” syndrome. It’s as if some of us, sensing the encroachment of the dominant culture on what has traditionally been  our turf, are creating a backlash of our own. This exhibits itself as a cult of extremism and its mantra is “no limits.” Some proclaim that the extreme is the only legitimate edge; everything else is dilettante play.

I don’t know about you, but having someone or some group unilaterally set themselves up as the arbiter of what is and what is not authentic grates against everything I hold sacred. I don’t take kindly to this any more than I abide a cultural moralist trying to dictate how I ought live out my sexuality and my eroticism.

your own herdBeside the arrogance of it all, there is the divisiveness. People just beginning to embrace their kinkiness are being put off by the stench of this exclusivity and rightfully so.

Extremism, in all of its forms, sows the seeds of its own destruction. You think you’re extreme? Well, I can assure you that, in the dungeon down the street, there is someone even more extreme than you, or extreme in a different way than you. Truth is, the laws of physics apply to us, and our erotic predilections, just as it does to everything else. Where there is no boundary there is no edge. If your extremism is without boundaries is not edgy, it’s just chaos.

I believe that it’s edgy enough to try and live and sustain our eroticism in the face of an often hostile dominant culture. I believe that none of us need to prove our edginess beyond our pursuit of our authentic selves.

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Eve Minax — Podcast #397 — 11/13/13


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

A little over a month ago, the Sex EDGE-U-cation series brought us to the Bay Area. Which, as you probably know, is like ground zero for some of the most renowned talent in the world of fetish sex, kink, and alternative lifestyles. Today, we EfficientEducatorreturn to that neck of the woods, but instead of Berkeley, CA we head straight for San Francisco. Ok, so straight might not be the best way of putting it, because we’re gonna be visiting with one of that city’s most notorious kinksters. My guest is author, educator, activist, coach, and pro Domme, the oh so delightful Eve Minax!

I’d say that Eve is as smart as a whip, but that wouldn’t even tell you half the story. That’s because she is also as funny as all get-out. I dare you to stick around and let Eve shake your world.

Eve and I discuss:
Her moniker, The Approachable Pervert;
Being in sin city for the AVN awards;
Becoming Mistress Minax;
I’m a clown/I’m a Domme;
Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips for Lovers;
The essential energetic connections in BDSM;
Transcendence for the sexual outlaw,
The essence of energy exchange;
Psychic-waste management;
Dom/sub archetypes and Dom/sub pheromones.

You’ll find lots of information about Eve on each one of these fantastic websites HERE, HERE, and HERE! And don’t miss her Twitter feed HERE!

Click on the book art below to check out Eve’s latest book.

Bondassage

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Thou Shalt Not

Name: Lynn
Gender: Female
Age: 36
Location: Toronto
I’m a mother of three great kids. My oldest, who is in middle school, went to camp for the first time this past summer. A local church group sponsors the camp every year. When my husband and I asked him about his time away from home, he said rather noncommittally; “It was ok.” He seemed to like it well enough, but you know how uncommunicative kids can be at that stage.
Anyhow, yesterday I was packing away some summer stuff for the winter and discovered a pamphlet in my son’s backpack that he used at camp. It was for an “Abstinence Only” program. It was full of the most dreadful sex-negative fear and shame. It was awful. We are not raising our kids like that; my husband and I were appalled.
Now we’re wondering if this is why our son was so unenthusiastic about his camp experience. Do you think we should quiz him on this?
What gives with this kind of indoctrination anyway? I thought that those “Abstinence Only” programs had been discredited.

So wait; are you sayin’ that you think just because a social engineering strategy, like abstinence-only, has been debunked that it wouldn’t still be employed by certain factions of our culture? Oh hun, I think you oughta rethink that supposition right away, don’t cha know.abstinence_only-1

I mean, come on! There are loads of outdated and discredited philosophies still being promulgated as a means to ensnare the uninformed and gullible. I don’t know about ya’ll up there in Canadaville, but here in Amercanski land we have a whole segment of our population who believes that creationism as a viable explanation for the universe. In fact, one or another of these idiots runs for national office, even for President of these here United States, as a Republican in every election cycle.

So, as you can see, there’s not necessarily a connection between what has been discredited and what is still wildly popular in some segments of our population.

Way back in the spring of 2007, a long-awaited congressionally funded national study concluded that abstinence-only sex education does not keep teenagers from having sex. Nor does it increase the likelihood that, if they do have sex, they will use a condom.

Authorized by Congress in 1997, the study followed 2000 children from elementary and middle school into high school. The children lived in four communities — two urban, two rural. All of the children received the family life services available in their community; in addition, slightly more than half of them also received abstinence-only education.

By the end of the study, when the average child was just shy of 17, half of both groups had remained abstinent. The sexually active teenagers had sex the first time at about age 15. Less than a quarter of them, in both groups, reported using a condom every time they had sex. More than a third of both groups had two or more partners.

So if abstinence-only programs don’t work, at least the way they are supposed to; why do we still have them? Ahhh, good question. We still have them because for a large segment of the population, especially those who are makin’ all them babies, it’s easier to just tell their kids “NO” than to step up to the plate and educate their kids about sex in a wholesome and holistic way.

Bennett editorial cartoonAnother problem is that the word abstinence often means something quite different to kids than it does to adults. That’s one reason why abstinence-only programs do not have strong effects in preventing teenage sexual activity. At least that’s what a University of Washington study found.

The researchers found that interventions that encourage abstinence treat abstinence and sexual activity as opposites. Teenagers, on the other hand, don’t consider them to be mutually exclusive concepts. Like in the congressionally sponsored study, the UW researchers found abstinence-only programs are less likely to work than more comprehensive sex-education programs because they are not speaking the same language as adolescents.

The study also showed that attitudes and intentions about sex were more powerful than attitudes and intentions about being abstinent. No surprise there, I suppose.

Again, I don’t know how things are there in Canada, but down here there is no federal funding for comprehensive sex-education. But there’s a shit-load of funding for abstinence-only programs. Funding mushroomed from $9 million in1997 to $176 million in 2007. Leave it to congress to dump loads of money into a program that doesn’t work. But such is the power of the conservative religious lobby. They are the people who back these programs.

This wouldn’t be such a big issue if it didn’t hold such dire consequences. For example, the United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate among all first-world nations. The rates of sexually transmitted diseases in this country are also astronomical. If we want to keep our young people safe from the negative aspects of casual sex, abstinence-only programs are not the way to go.abstinence

However, more comprehensive programs that include abstinence as one choice are much more likely to have a more productive outcome. Besides, is it ever a good idea to try and motivate people with fear and shame? I don’t think so.

Since abstinence-only programs often only look at the negatives of sex, it doesn’t really empower a young person to take responsibility for his/her behaviors. This is particularly thorny for young women who often bear the brunt the peer pressures to be sexual. And they have way more at stake in terms of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

When kids aren’t expected to take responsibility for their behaviors, especially in terms of sexuality, it cripples their ability to make good life-affirming choices. Abstinence-only programs disqualify all sexual options, even the relatively innocuous behaviors like mutual masturbation and oral sex. So if all sexual options are equally out of bounds, there’s no way for the average kid to distinguish between harmless and risky behaviors. And this is what leads to the high rate of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies.

If we want our kids to grow up with healthy and integrated attitudes about sex, ones that will lead to more loving and fulfilling sexual relationships later in life, we ought teach from a more sex-positive theory.

Back to the other question you raise; the one about quizzing your son about his camp experience. I think that would be great. It would let him know that you care, that you don’t support this fear and shame-based approach to human sexuality and that he doesn’t have to embrace it either.

Good Luck

SEO Powered by Platinum SEO from Techblissonline
Get Adobe Flash player