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Can U Squeeze Me In

Name: Jim & Elaine
Gender: Couple
Age: 42 & 38
Location: Denver
We have been happily married for 15 years. We have a good, but pretty vanilla sex life together. We want to spice things up and are talking about maybe looking for other couples online. We’re both in good shape and have very outgoing personalities. Both of us have had one short affair in the past, now we think we want to play together. Thoughts?

You guys want to look for other couples online…for ummm sex? I mean you imply that but you don’t really come right out and say it, do you? I know you are new to this and you are just feeling your way through this unfamiliar territory, but unless you want to look like rank amateurs by other swingers…and that’s what we’re talking about, swinging, right? You’d better get comfortable articulating precisely what it is you want, how you want it and with whom.

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If you’ve already begun your online search, you’ve probably already discovered that there are several different avenues for you to pursue. There are, of course, dating and profile sites. There are sites that feature ads from other swingers. For example you could check out craigslist for the generic variety. Then there are exclusive swing parties and more inclusive swinger clubs. And each of these outlets may offer special groupings for the fetish-oriented swinger.

Before you swing, you guys need to decide what type of swing-set you want. If the vocabulary that follows is unfamiliar to you, you have some remedial homework to do before you launch your swing-capade. There is “soft” swinging and “hard” swinging. Bisexually may or may not be an option for you.

If you assume that all swingers are open-minded about sex, consider this; lots of swing outlets prohibit male-on-male sex. Personally, I find this extremely bizarre. But I suppose it only underscores the prejudices of the popular culture. There are some swing-sets that allow novice swingers to simply to be voyeurs. I can’t fuckin’ figure that out either. Maybe it’s a heterosexual thing.

If you gravitate toward the club-set there are 3 types to consider:6190_01.jpg

  1. SEX clubs — these clubs allow full-on sex, but only in designated areas.
  2. NO-SEX clubs — allow for lots of exhibitionism and voyeurism, including nudity, but no full-on sex. These clubs are great for meeting other swingers and to set up your own sex dates.
  3. Swinger parties are NO-SEX events, and are usually held in a nightclub or restaurant. Again, you can meet like-minded folks there and set up your own sex dates.

Whichever outlet you choose; make sure you understand all the rules and regulations of the get together before you decide to attend.

Like I said, it’s of the utmost importance that you guys decide, in advance, what your limits are. A good number of otherwise healthy marriages flounder at this point. Have a clear and frank exchange with each other on the ground rules of your swinging and then stick to them. Negotiating a change to the rules of engagement during a swing is a very bad idea. That’s not to say that your ground rules won’t change and evolve over time; just don’t attempt to adjust them while they are in play.

Never push your partner into doing something he/she is not ready to do. Be open with each other before, during and especially after a swing. Effective communication is essential. This goes for communicating with your fellow swingers. Be sure to let everyone know that you are newbees to the scene. (Don’t worry, everyone will already know.) Novices stick out like a sore…hardon.

Most clubs and groupings don’t allow single men. Most swing-sets are women oriented, to the degree that women set the tone for the swing. That being said, it’s still a man’s world. Men generally dictate the type of sexual expression that will be tolerated — thus the prohibition, stated or unstated, against male on male sex. Female on female sex is, of course, encouraged for obvious reasons. How’s that for a screwed-up double standard?

Most clubs expect full or partial nudity. My swinger friends advise that if you just want to attend so you can ogle others, stay the fuck home! Novice swingers, like you guys, ought to stay together until you feel comfortable being apart. But for Christ sake, don’t glom on to one another like the other swingers have the cooties.

Most of all, take responsibility for your eroticism and your sexuality. Be friendly and good-natured. And don’t try to pretend you’re a more accomplished sexual athlete than you are.

Be advised, you are about to embark on a sexual journey that will take you to the edges of what society regards as appropriate sexual behavior. Don’t be surprised if some of your more traditional friends discriminate against you when they find out about your new activities. Finally, swinging is far less about what you do (sex) and way more about who you are (a lifestyle). To that end, I’d like to turn you on to a fantastic resource. Check out my friends, John and Allie, at SwingerCast. Be sure to tell them dr dick sent ya!

Name: Nathan
Gender: Male
Age: 37
Location: Dallas
I’m a married guy with a great wife and 3 beautiful kids. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a masseuse I found on craigslist. I don’t have a lot of experience with massage and thought I would be safe going to a guy instead of a woman. The guy was really nice and did a good massage, but somehow I popped wood near the end of the massage. I was really embarrassed, but he was like totally fine with that. Then he asked if I wanted a happy ending. I didn’t even know what that was till he started to massage my ass and blow me. I have to admit it was totally amazing. I never felt anything like it before in my life. My wife sometimes will give me oral sex, but nothing like this. I blew a load like nothing I ever did before. I though my insides were coming out of my cock. I was wowed and scared and confused and I could hardly sit up. Then the guy said I had a real healthy prostate. I said what? And he said he was massaging my prostate while he was sucking me off. I can’t stop thinking about this. I want more but I feel really guilty and I’m afraid this is going to make me gay.

What a fabulous story, Nathan. But we need to clear up a few things. A masseuse is a female practitioner of massage. A masseur is a male practitioner. This is a common enough mistake, but I thought you should know the proper usage for further reference. Because you can see how a little unintended slip like this will make all the difference in the world. If you say a masseuse gave you a blowjob that’s totally different from getting a blowjob from a masseur, don’t ‘cha know.

chimp_prostate_exam.jpgI’m gonna also guess you never had a prostate massage before this encounter with the masseur. A prostate massage coupled with your first blowjob from a guy…hell, you are lucky your insides didn’t shoot out your dick along with your spooge. I’m joking of course, but it does stand to reason that you had such an intense and explosive orgasm and ejaculation. That’s precisely what prostate massage does, honey.

Now, let’s see if we can figure out why you can’t stop thinking about this. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to analyze that either. This was a peak sexual experience for you. I mean, beside the mind-blowing release, the means by which you had this orgasm — the guy’s finger in your ass and the guy’s mouth on your dick were both unexpected and apparently unprecedented. So I figure you had very little time to cognitively respond to the stimuli before things came to their explosive climax, as it were. And you did say you were already relaxed and aroused by the massage, right?

I’d be willing to bet that if you had some emotional distance from the experience you would realize your body was simply responding to the stimulus it was receiving. Your dick and your prostate weren’t able to distinguish the gender of the person diddlin’ your ass and blowin’ you. And since your brain was occupied with all these new sensations you had little time, if any to process and possibly protest. And maybe you wouldn’t have protested even if you could. Maybe you wanted to take this little walk on the wild side. Tust me, lots of guys do.

Now that the event has passed, you have plenty of time to process. And process you are…to withinprostate_massage.jpg an inch of its life…if ya ask me. This experience looms so large for you because it is forbidden fruit, so to speak. It upsets the apple cart of your cozy and predictable heterosexuality. I mean it’s one thing to pop wood on a massage table. It’s something totally different to blow a wad while a guy is givin’ you head.

And now that you have all this time on your hands to keep pouring over and over this in you head, the event is taking on a proportion it probably wouldn’t have otherwise.

prostate_massage_copy.jpgLet me put your mind to rest, one blowjob from a guy…even an earth-shatterin, prostate massagin’ blowjob, like the kind you got from this fabulous masseur…won’t make you gay. Nor does wanting to repeat the experience make you gay. All this experience really tells us is that you like a good blowjob and you now know where to get a really fantastic one when next you want one.

Think about it this way. Say you went to a Chinese restaurant and, to your great surprise, had the best dim sum ever. You were so impressed with the food that you’ve been eager to return to this particular eatery for another go at those tasty vittles. Does this desire for yummy dim sum make you Chinese? I don’t think so…unless, of course, you were Chinese before you went to the restaurant.

Finally, the guilt you’re experiencing, where might that be coming from? There are so many sources one would be hard-pressed to come up with an exhaustive list. But let’s look at the top contenders.

  • You’re married with a family. You had a sexual experience…unplanned as it might have been…with someone other than your wife. BINGO!
  • Our culture’s buttoned-down sex and gender stereotypes — who can do what to whom. BINGO!
  • The dictates of our sex-negative society about what is proper and what is not in terms of sexual exploration and experimentation. BINGO!
  • The shame of possibly being labeled a fag. BINGO!
  • The fear of your own desires and where they might lead you. BINGO!
  • The allure of the forbidden and the explosive charge the illicit. BINGO.

The experience you had with that masseur, Nathan, is so highly charged, both culturally and sexually that it will take some while for you to find your balance once again. In the interim, my I suggest that you postpone any judgments about yourself or what the indecent might imply about you until you’ve have some emotional distance and the time to calmly process all of this. In the final analysis, I think you’ll come to the conclusion that this is a relatively harmless sexual outlet. The masseur is providing you a service…I mean beyond the obvious. He is providing you a safe, secure non-judgmental environment to exercise and expand your sexual repertoire. Think of it like a place you go to learn about the wonders of sexual dim sum.

Name: Rebecca
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Location: Cincinnati
Last year I had a sexual relationship with a guy I met through work. We kept it light and had some fun. He has since relocated to another city, but we keep in touch and hook up whenever he’s in town. The last time he was here he asked if I would ever consider a threesome with him and one of his male friends. I told him I might consider it if I knew the other guy. As it turns out, the other guy and I went to the same college. I know, small world, huh? The idea of having a 3-way with these two guys is totally hot; I’m attracted to both of them. Even though this would be a first for me, I would like to give it a try. I guess my question is what should I look for in this kind of situation?

What should you look for in this kind of situation? Why, look for double the fun, you little vixen you! You sound like you’re a pretty savvy chick when it comes to sex, Rebecca. I suspect you’ve been around the block a time or two. Good for you. You also seem to know what you want and how to go about getting that, kudos to you on that.

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Trying new things can be really fun especially when your playing with people you like and are turned on to. I’d suggest you keep the event light and breezy. Too many people try to script a 3-way to within an inch of its life. And that can fuck up the whole damn thing. At the same time, just hooking up for quick shag can be a little too impersonal when it comes to 3-ways.

Luckily, there’s another way. I suggest the three of you start your encounter by getting a bite to eat together. A little food and a few cocktails can be a great start to the adventure. No doubt all three of you will be a little nervous, so make this part of the outing light, sexy and flirtatious. Practice your seduction skills on each of the guys. You will soon discover the sexual hierarchy…and there always is one in these kinds of encounters.

If there are any ground rules, this is the time to mention them. The more you discover about the guys in this non-sexual environment the more prepared you will be for how the rest of the evening will play itself out. If I were you, I’d want to get a sense of how experienced the two guys are at having a 3-way. Do you happen to know if the guys are bisexual? If they are, you can be assured that the 3-way dynamic will be fundamentally different than if they guys are not bi and only want to shower their hot monkey-love on you. Maybe you could ask about their sexual fantasies and share some of your own. Just remember, you are an equal partner in this ménage. I’d make sure that the fellas knew what turned you on. Fortunately, you have the advantage of having already played with the one guys; so that should make things easier.

I hope you write back and let me know how the encounter went. My interest, of course, is purely scientific, don’t ‘cha know. But I will want all the gory details. And a detailed photo essay would also be deeply appreciated. ;-)

Good luck ya’ll

Loose Change

Name: Tia
Gender: Female
Age: 19
I have a problem. I’m still a virgin, but my bf thinks I’m not. It’s really my fault he thinks this, cuz I told him I was all experienced and everything. We’ve been going together for about 8 months already and I really want my first time to be with him, but how am I going to act all experienced when I don’t know what I’m doing.
HELP ME PLEASE!!!

That sure enough is a pickle you got yourself into darlin’. You’ve got some ‘splanin’ to do Lucy!

Funny, because I’m more likely to hear from young women who are not virgins, but who want to know how they can fool a new partner into thinking they are. I guess we can chalk up all this deception and confusion to the powerful associations every culture imposes on virginity…female virginity, that is.

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Like most things sexual there is a huge double standard between the cultural and individual importance of virginity for women as opposed to men. Cultural expectations about virginity are also tied to age as well as gender. For example, our society expects its 16-year-old girls to be virgins. To be otherwise, at that tender age, would be a scandal in most communities. (Jamie Lynn Spears comes immediately to mind.) But a 35 year old woman who is still a virgin is considered an old maid — or worse, a dyke.

Of course, things are more fluid when it comes to boys and men. On the one hand, a 16year old boy who is not a virgin may raise some eyebrows in some communities. But many others in those same communities would praise him for being a stud. On the other hand, a 35 year old man who is still a virgin is the butt of jokes — or worse, a queer. In fact, he’s also more of a disgrace to his gender than an old maid is to hers. Funny how that works, huh?

I hasten to add that there is a lot to argue with in terms of these arbitrary cultural norms, and I encourage ya’ll to argue away. God knows I do! And you don’t have to buy into them either. God knows I don’t! But till things change, these norms are the norms, like it or lump it.

I’d love to know why you felt the need to deceive your BF in the first place? Do the people you hang with, prize sexual experience over sexual innocence for a young woman of 19? And what are the expectations of your group regarding a 19 year old guy? I’ll bet the expectation is that he not be a virgin. Right?

Well you can see why a lot of people, not just you Tia, find this whole thing just too damned complicated. And rather than add to the confusion or the deception, I encourage you to come clean with the BF about your cherry.

Here’s why I think this is the best policy. First, if the BF is sexually experienced, it will be very difficult for you to hide the fact that you’re not. Besides, like you said in your message to me. “I really want my first time to be with him.” Why not just come out and tell him that, sweetheart? No man is gonna turn that down…ever. Simply put, that is the most sexually charged and treasured sentence in any language.

Begin the big talk with your man like this. “Baby, I got something real special to tell you. You know how I’ve been sayin that I’ve been with other guys and everything? Well that was just my way of keeping all the other guys from pestering me for my junk. Baby, the truth is that I haven’t had sex before now. And the best part of this is I’ve decided that I really want my first time to be with you. My cherry belongs to you, baby”

Like I said, Tia, no man is gonna turn that down. The BF will be so flattered you won’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. Clearing the air like this will also allow you to relax when the magic moment finally happens. And relaxation is the key to enjoying yourself. And you should enjoy yourself.

Name: Mikel
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Location: Seattle
My problem is: I have a fixation on cut dicks, so when I’m having sex with uncut people, I can’t enjoy it. I feel it’s dirty!!! Should I ask my partners their “shape” before having sex? Wouldn’t I sound like a whore?

What a curious concern you have. I mean, not the cut/uncut thing…that I understand. Lots of people have a preference for either natural or snipped meat, so I’m cool with that. Sometimes the preference is even culturally induced. Ok, fine! I also know that some guys prefer what they don’t have. Lots of clipped men like uncut cock, and lots of natural men prefer their partners to be cut. Some people make a big to-do about foreskin, as you suggest, because they think it’s unsightly and/or unclean. Personally, I think that’s complete baloney, but hey, to each his own. Right?

cock-buffet.jpgI also know that most people who have a strong cut/uncut preference want to know in advance if their perspective partner’s dick is to their liking. And obviously, the only way to find that out is to ask outright. Ok, so far so good.

What I don’t understand about your question is that you think it might be whorish to be up-front and ask a guy about the condition of his trouser snake. Like, WHY? Either you don’t understand the meaning of the word “whore,” or you’re too self-conscious about taking responsibility for your personal tastes in tonsil ticklers . Either way it makes no sense.

Think about it this way, say you don’t ask and you discover, to your great dismay, that the guy you’re about to bone has some fine lace curtains. And you get all turned off and this screws up the screwing. You feel bad, he feels bad, and you look like a jerk. Wouldn’t it have been better to save yourself and your unlucky partner the embarrassment of shutting down a fuck by taking responsibility for your predilection before cloths come flying off? Heck, I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to be thought of as a whore than a complete asshole.

Dr Dick has a hard and fast rule when it comes to sex. If you can’t bring yourself to ask for what you want, then you deserve what you get.

Name: William
Gender:
Age: 30
Location: UK
Hi There
I am new to this scene, and I have very little experience in anal sex and I am seeking your help and advice. I am a top but I have a problem keeping my dick hard or staying hard during anal sex. I find it harder to fuck an ass compared to fucking a pussy. Here is the problem: Once I get my dick hard, put on a condom and start fucking, my dick sometimes goes soft on me. Is that normal? How can I keep my dick hard long enough in the ass to enjoy the fuck? Sometimes even when my dick is hard, I find it hard to penetrate an ass. I use lube, so what am I doing wrong? People in gay porn can fuck and fuck like there is no tomorrow. I want to enjoy anal sex too!! Any advice? Please let me know if there is anything I can do to improve in this area?

Boy, you’re in luck, William! Last week I published my long-awaited: Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top. Check it out! It’ll answer a lot of the questions you have about butt fucking.

But before you take off to read that, I’d like to address one of the specific issues you raise, about keeping your dick hard while fucking. You are right to point out that fucking an ass (male or female) is different from fucking a pussy. But regardless of what hole you’re invading, a nice hard stiffy issex_toys_dj212901.jpg essential.

Do you know what a cockring is, William? If not, I suggest you acquaint yourself with these amazing low-tech wonders. Here’s what you should do. Turn your attention to the Eden Fantasys banner at the top of this page. Click through that link and go to the Sex Toys for Men section. Look for Erection Help there you will see the link to cockrings. Prepare yourself to be sorely amazed at the variety and functionality of these little devils.

Cock rings can create larger and firmer erections. Since blood flow enters your dick through arteries deep inside your dick, and leaves it through the veins nearer the surface of your schlong; wearing a cock ring can help to sex_toys_gef90178bs.jpgkeep more blood inside your dick shaft. And as all you rocket scientists know, blood flow is what causes erections in the first place. Also some men claim that wearing a cock ring intensifies their orgasm.

I recommend the flexible and/or adjustable cockrings. These are generally made of stretchable rubber or leather. For the more daring there are the metal variety. These may look pretty, but they can be a bitch to put on and to take off. Here’s how ya put a rigid one on.

  1. Pull your ball sack through the ring first.
  2. Follow this by popping each of your balls through the ring one at a time.
  3. Now bend your cock down and pull it through the ring.

As you can see, putting one of these little buggers on before you have a raging hardon is gonna be easier. To take the cock ring off, simply reverse these steps, pushing your flaccid cock back through the ring first, followed by each of your balls and finally your ball sack.

It’s absolutely essential that you not wear an inflexible (metal) ring for longer than a couple hours. Make sure you don’t buy one that is too small either. If your dick is turning an angry red or worse, purple, or it is cold to the touch, you’re in trouble. Take that ring off immediately. If you don’t you will risk serious injury to your precious johnson.

Remember people, play smart with all your toys!

NEXT, ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Beginning Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

The most frequent questions I get are from your average dick and jane, (or dick and dick, or jane and jane) who want to spice up their sex life. Inevitably they describe the kind of sex they’re currently having. And almost universally the description makes this grown man cry. Jeez, the boredom. How do they stand it? It’s a wonder any of them are having any sex at all.

What is it with the humdrum, run of the mill, we’ve always done it that way mentality? Are ya’ll afraid that if you add a little something new to your sex chore. from time to time, that the sky will fall? Holy cow!

Today’s tutorial is another attempt to motivate you to get off your butts and make something interesting happen in the sex department. We’ll begin with what was once called foreplay.

First off, I hate the word “foreplay” because it suggests that all these really great sex activities are only a lead up to a single — “more important” activity — fucking. It also implies that ya’ll can dispense with the one in order to hurry up and get to the other. And that, my friends, is always a huge mistake.

do-not-disturb.jpgFrom now on I want us to banish “foreplay” from our vocabulary. Instead let’s start using “Beginning Sex Play”. It says it all. It says it’s at the beginning, but there’s no suggestion that anything in particular must follow.

I’m of the mind that we’d all be better served if we thought of sex play as a continuum of pleasure and pleasuring — with a beginning, middle and an end. If you ask me, our sex play ought mirror our sexual response cycles — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution. That way we’re less likely to overburden one particular activity at the expense of all the others. Get it? Got it? Good!

Experienced sex fans agree; the best sexual encounters include an extended period of sensual play at the beginning of most sex play. This brings increased pleasure to both partners, and will make whatever else that might follow more satisfying. Just remember, beginning sex play can be a meal in itself.

Beginning sex play brings spice to the encounter because it gets our motors started. Even all yousex_toys_rd9613.jpg major sex athletes out there who are perpetually primed for sex will benefit from some hearty beginning sex play. It will help cool your jets and make the encounter last longer than a firecracker. And I know that you know what I mean!

In our hectic rush around world, beginning sex play is particularly important. It helps us transition from the daily cares and woes to the realm of sensual pleasures. The workaholics among us need more time to become fully aroused. Their minds are still filled with the junk of the day, and not yet ready to give or receive pleasure. And pleasuring and being pleasured takes a big attitude shift from that of the rest of the day. In fact, if you’re gonna approach sex and pleasuring with the same mindset you have on the job or with the kids, give it up now and be done with it. You’ll only walk away from the encounter disappointed.

sex_toys_ki0001.jpgBeginning sex play primes us for maximum pleasure. Men will have the time we need to come to full erection and women will have the time they need to properly lubricate. By the way, this is called the arousal stage in our sexual response cycle. But you probably know that already, right?

When we stop thinking of beginning sex play as “foreplay” we realize there is no such thing as spending too much time giving and getting pleasure. If beginning sex play evolves into full-on fucking — SWELL. Both partners will be fully aroused and fucking will flow naturally and effortlessly from the pleasure enjoyed at the beginning of sex play.

Beginning sex play can include everything from chocolate and whipped cream to whips and chains. But let’s not get too far ahead of our selves. Let’s start at the beginning of beginning sex play. Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being helped out of our daily wear and into something sexysex_toys_ks0092.jpg or nothing at all can be very arousing. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. We could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living, but more about this in a later tutorial.

Creating the right sex environment is important too. Make sure the room is warm. Proper lighting and music will surely add to the mood. Scents are also important. More and more people are incorporating erotica into their sex play — reading a sexy story together or enjoying some hot porn will make the encounter memorable.

Most women complain that their partners don’t kiss long enough and rush the kissing to get at their pussy. Guys, what the fuck? You want pussy? Use your mouth to maximum advantage kiss and nibble all over everything. Literally devour your partner with your mouth. Believe me, if you do this right, by the time you get to her pussy she’s gonna want sex_toys_055337396x.jpgto give it up big time.

Beginning sex play is the perfect time for setting the mood for all that might follow. It’s a time for sharing fantasies, role-playing, dirty talk or some full body massage. Always have some nice lotion available then use your hands, forearms, feet and elbows to knead your partner’s muscles and naughty bits.

Certain areas on the body are more hot-wired than others. It’s your job to find each and every one your partner has. As you massage vary your strokes and touch to stimulate your partner. Roll your fingertips across his or her nipples and behind his or her ears as you kiss him and tease her with your tongue.

If you’re doin things right, your partner will be moaning with pleasure. If she or he starts getting impatient it’s time to bring out the restraints. There’s nothing like some hot erotic bondage to punctuate your beginning sex play.

While your darling is subdued and possibly blindfolded, crank things up a notch. Add differentsex_toys_ss34047.jpg
sensations and stimuli, a warm chocolate sauce followed by ice cream. A fur mitt followed by a Loofah. Introduce some sex toys — a vibrator, tit clamps, or an anal stimulator.

Don’t forget to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask for some feedback and direction. Do you like this? Or do you like this better? Never presume to know what your partner likes simply because he or she liked it before, this is a recipe for boredom and the dreaded bed death. If words fail you, SHOW your partner what you want. Then encourage your partner to do the same to you.

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Beginning sex play is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying and applying those things to their greatest sensual advantage. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in your brain. Beginning sex play is as much of an art form as it is a necessity.

Finally, the basic premise behind all of this is that a great lover is one that gives pleasure because it is its own reward, not a means to getting something else.

Good luck ya’ll

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Year End Wrap-Up

This here winds up another year of dolin’ out the whole advice thing. So let’s go out with a bang, shall we?

Name: Jane
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: Vancouver. BC
When my boyfriend and I have sex, there’s a 50/50 chance that he will put his penis between my butt cheeks and hump me that way until he cums. (It’s just intense rubbing, no anal penetration). Even though I don’t feel like I’m getting any pleasure from it, my vagina gets wet, and if he touches me down there and feels that I’m wet, it turns him on even more. What’s going on here?
He’s very affectionate and he tells me he loves by my body. He says he’s totally straight, but this whole anal thing confuses me. If he’s not gay or bi-sexual, why is it that it takes him 20+ minutes to cum during vaginal sex, but only 5 – 7 minutes to cum during anal?

Ok, Jane, to start with, your BF isn’t doing anal. Believe me, darling, you’d know if he were. Anal sex, by definition, means anal penetration. There’s a name for what your freaky boyfriend is doing — rubbing his cock in your crack, but not penetrating your rosebud. It’s a form of frottage, or sexual stimulation by rubbing. This is the sexual practice of choice for most lesbians, most commonly referred to as pussy-bumpin’. Hey, maybe your BF is a lesbian!

Second, your pussy may be getting wet because your boyfriend’s pre-cum and34921.jpg spooge is dripping down your crack, past your “taint” and all over your fine pussy. It ain’t you producing the wetness, which explains why you’re not aroused. I hope that clears up the mystery juice for ya.

Third, loads of exclusively straight men are into anal. Most are into butt fucking their women, but some are into being fucked BY their women. We call this practice pegging — a woman straps on a dildo and buggers him senseless.

So you see, fucking is not just for cunts anymore!

So let’s review. Now that we know for certain that an interest in cornholein’ a sweet ass is not a gay thing. You can relax about your BF bein’ queer for wanting to hump your bum. For some guys this is their favorite kind of sex. They love to bust a nut by rubbing their dicks between a chick’s tits, thighs, or feet. It’s anyone’s guess why these dudes prefer this to getting off in, on or around a pussy, but whatever it is, it’s completely harmless.

Here’s a tip, Jane, relax into this with the ‘ol BF, why don’t ya? Once you stop worrying about his sexual orientation because of his fascination with your be-hind, you may actually enjoy the special attention he’s paying your boot-ty.

And hey, if your BF’s freak with your ass crack isn’t gettin’ you off, you don’t have to just lie there and take it, ya know. While he’s grinding away back there, you could be spending some quality time with little miss clit. Soon you’ll be enjoying things as much as he.

Name: Samuel
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Location: Arkansas
Eight years ago I was involved with a woman who liked to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on. I liked it a lot, and when we stopped seeing each other, I missed the sensation. I’ve tried hooking up with other women who want to do this to me, but I’ve only found a few. And all of them were looking for a relationship, something I don’t want. Eventually I turned to men for the anal action I was missing. Some of guys are gay, some bi, and some straight. We never hug, kiss or do oral. I only receive, never give. I don’t see a guy for more than a couple of times. Now there seems to be fewer guys out there who want a tight ass to fuck. I prefer women, but men will do — I just really get off on the sensation.

Well, aren’t you a charming fucker…I mean fuckee. You haven’t a clue how selfish your being, do you? And you wonder why the pool of people willing to pound your “tight ass” is drying up. It’s not the lack of fuckers out there, darlin; it’s you!

Listen up, there are some basics that you seem to have overlooked when it comes to partnered sex. First among these is ya need at least a modicum of mutuality in your sex play. Did you ever hear of “Give to Get?” There’s probably no mystery why the first woman who strapped one on for you fled the scene. She discovered that you’re just in this for yourself. The other women who pegged you probably did so hoping they’d get something in return. Even the guys are fleeing in droves. And it’s entirely your fault, Sam. And ya know what else, I’d be willing to bet that you’re getting a reputation for yourself there in Arkansas. Nobody likes a self-absorbed prick. Thatkl628.jpg kind of bad rep gets around fast, especially in the hinterlands.

Anyone wanting to get laid as much as you ought to learn how to finesse the fuck he wants. Lets start with the women. Most women are unaccustomed to being a top. Many would feel pretty self-conscious with a strap-on. So, in exchange for the kind of extraordinary sex you are looking for, most women would want something in return. Most would feel more comfortable exercising a kink in a relationship of some sort or another. They have little to gain otherwise. And if your behaviors with men are any indication of the sex you have with women, it’s a wonder that you’ve got pegged at all.

Most men are a lot like most women in this regard. While there are a few of us mens who will fuck whatever presents itself; even they will look for something in return besides a tight ass to fuck. And here’s a tip — most guys who crow about how tight their ass is, are deluding themselves. Your insatiable hole is probably not in as pristine condition as you’d like to think.

I have several suggestions for you. First and foremost, treat your partners, even your casual hook ups, with some dignity and respect. Each one is more than just a stiff dick (or dildo) for you to pleasure yourself with. If you want to prevent the pool of available fuckers from evaporating completely, show some humanity yourself. Find out what turns your partner’s crank and get her/him warmed up for the fuck fest. If it take some hugging, kissing and a decent blowjob…you’d better take care of business. It’s the least you can do.

Finally, if you have a preference for women (and you’re put off by the idea of hugging, kissing and a blowin’ some dude just to get your sorry ass fucked); then rethink your aversion to having a relationship. There are all kinds of relationships — from fuck (pegging) buddies to marriage. Surly, you could find it in your heart to reward the woman willing to plug your hungry ass with a little something more than “catch ya later, bitch!”

Name: Tammy
Gender: Female
Age: 32
Location: Chicago
My innermost desire is to have a dominant type man take control in sex and get down and dirty with me. But I never meet that kind of guy in my regular social life. It doesn’t seem like such a difficult thing, but it’s been out of reach all of my life. It has left me feeling like I don’t want to get involved with anyone and only have to deal with more disappointment. I feel like I’m at a dead end…and troubled about it!

Tammy, don’t despair. You’re just looking in the wrong place for the thing you desire most.

Before I get too far into this, I just want to make sure I understand you correctly. When you say you want a dominant type of man to take control in sex; I’m gonna assume you don’t want some loutish. uncouth Neanderthal who will treat you shit, right? You do, however, want a man to dominate you, but not without respecting you first, right? Ok, lets start there.

First off, you’re gonna have to come out as a perv, sweetheart. Yeah, “perv” like in pervert. That’s what the folks in the kink community call themselves. You’re a kinky perv — Say it loud, Say it proud! And you need to connect with other kinky pervs. There may be some closeted pervs in your current social circle, but you’ll probably never know for sure. Times being what they are, most kinksters save that information for their friends in the kink community. So it’s high time to shift gears and start socializing in that community. They’ll welcome you, embrace you and help you realize your innermost desire.a93644_160w.jpg

Once you can admit to yourself who you are and give a name to what you desire, you will have more success finding what you want. Tammy, you are a submissive (sub) in search of her dom (dominant). You also need to figure out if you are looking for a casual hookup or if you want to make this a lifestyle. Here’s a tip; kinksters and pervs alike will be less likely to embrace you if they think you’re a dilettante. A true dom/sub relationship is one that permeates all layers of a person’s life, not just a role-play in the boudoir. In fact, most dom/sub relationships are not centered on sex. Not that sex is ruled out, of course.

Begin the process of self-identification by taking stock of who you are, everything from your taste in music to your spirituality and politics. The more you know about yourself, the easier it will be for you to connect with the dom of you’re your dreams.

The internets is gonna be your new best friend as you begin your search. You’ll needa100534_160w.jpg to learn some of the lingo and there are plenty of resource sites out there that can help you. Do a search using keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress, Submissive. Luckily, you’re in a major metropolitan area. You’ll have no trouble at all connecting with the perv community in your area by just following some of the links you discover in your online search.

You could also check out some of the video offerings in dr dick’s HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY

Most kink sites have bulletin boards and/or member profiles. Once you get your bearings and have a grip on some of the vocabulary, you’ll want to set up your own profile. Be as clear about what it is you want as possible. Big cities, like Chicago, also have perv organizations that welcome a novice kinkster to local social events and meet and greets. Some even have demo’s and workshops. You’d do well to immerse yourself in this subculture, because the more information you have the more enlightened your future choices will be.a100532_160w.jpg

When connecting online with other pervs, be courteous. You’ll no doubt encounter an array of lifestyle choices and sexual proclivities, some of which may be off-putting to you. Remember, you are the guest here. Leave your uptight judgments and provincial attitudes at the door. You’re will have to earn the trust and respect of this community if you ever hope to be taken seriously by them.

Once you are acclimated to your new surroundings, you might want to set up a meeting with a dom who interests you. This should strictly be a vanilla meeting in a neutral place. Look for a seasoned dom. Ask for references from the guy you are interviewing. These should include other subs that this dom has been with. Beware of a dom who is without proper references.

Before connecting with a dom, be sure you get his phone numbers — home and cell phone. No beepers. Of course, you’ll have to share your numbers with him as well. If ya can’t trust one another with phone numbers there’s no chance this is gonna be the match made in heaven. The more confidence you have in the dom the more trust you’ll able to invest in him…and the safer you’ll be. And since all sub/dom relationships are grounded in trust there’s no substitute for absolute trust.

Finally, being a submissive is a state of mind. It is not a particular sex act, it is not a game, and it is not role-playing and it is not gender specific. The best dom/sub relationships are those that express a mutuality of care, concern and trust. And here’s a tip: your commitment to you dom ought exceed your need for him.

Name: Jennifer
Gender: Female
Age: 23
I am 23 years old and I like lesbian and gay porn. It’s been my favorite since I discovered it a few years ago. But my boyfriend hates the thought of people of the same gender having sex. I don’t like hetero porn, and that’s all he uses. Is there any way I can get him to enjoy my kind of erotica?

Your boyfriend’s being a dreadful drag, huh? What’s he afraid of, do you suppose? He’s probably afraid he’ll pop wood while he’s watchin’ gay porn with his girlfriend. That’ll surly shake his masculinity to its foundation. I mean, it’s one thing for him to get a boner when he’s checking out the queer stuff by himself — and you know he does! It’s another thing all together for him to get hard watching two dudes fuck while he’s with you. It’s clear to me that your BF has issues, darling. And I think you know that too.

a38036_160w.jpgNow I’m not suggesting that he has to like everything you like, or that you have to like everything he likes. A couple can have a really healthy relationship despite differences in the kind of smut each prefers. But matters of taste aside, I think a smart chick, like you, knows that porn is as much a political statement as it is a sexual statement.

Here’s what I mean. Most straight porn features male identified sex — exclusively. That’s probably why you, and 90% of your sisters, don’t like it. The producers of most of this stuff create it with a predominately straight male audience in mind. And you can pretty much count on it exploiting women in the process. Gay porn does not exploit women, for obvious reasons and lesbian porn is the most radical of all. It is unabashed female identified sex. No female exploitation there. Of course, I’m talkin’ about real lesbian porn, not the caca that simulates girl-on-girl sex in “straight” porn.

Most straight males get off on hot girl-on-girl action in straight porn, because the performance represents male identified sex in the extreme. In fact, one of my good gal pals in the porn business often says that girl-on-girl sex in straight smut is about as far away from authentic female sexuality as gay porn, which has no women in it at all.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, Jen and guess that you’re a little too radical for Mr. Whitebread. But if you think that he’s worth the effort involved in loosening him up, start by reassuring him that there will always be a place in your heart for his johnson even when you’re enjoying a sweet lesbo fantasy. If you really want to enjoy yourself with your guy while you enjoy your dyke porn, tell him you want him to pretend he’s a porn star and he’s gonna appear in the next scene with the two chicks you’re watching. Watch the lezzie scene together and then have him tell you what’s gonna happen in the next scene when he catches the two naughty vixens. Perhaps you could suggest that he roll play that with you after the movie. Ya see, Jen, you’re gonna have to trick the monkey into watching what you want, cuz he ain’t gonna open his mind all by his-own-self.

Deprogramming him of his homophobia may be a bit more challenging, but there are ways. You could start by telling him that everyone knows that no one sucks a guy’s dick like another guy. And so you want to pick up a few pointers from the pros before you go down on him again. When the big cock-sucking scene begins start grabbing at his package. We all know he’s gonna be hard as a rock. Those repressed types are so damned predictable. Now if at all possible start blowin’ him with the same vigor as the homos in the movie. Blow jobs are the great equalizer. Mr. Whitebread will be enjoying himself so much he’ll hardly have time to reflect on how radical he’s becoming.

In the end, I don’t think you should compromise and watch hetero porn unless he’sa86491_160w.jpg willing to compromise too. Of course you both could watch your chosen porn privately, but where’s the fun in that. Or you could just trade-off one scene of his for one scene of yours. Or compromise with some hot bisexual porn. There’s not a whole lot of really good bi porn out there, but there is some. Just be discriminating. Life is just too short for bad smut.

You could try dueling porn. Two screens, two TVs or a TV and a computer screen, each playing a different type of porn. Or you could really throw caution to the wind and have a full-blown fuck-a-rama — multiple screens with multiple images all going at once. It’s so easy to do these days with the proliferation of computers and online porn. And just about every household has at least two TVs and two computers lying around. So knock yourself out, girl!

It’s clear to me, Jen, that you’re gonna have to take the lead in this. You being the more enlightened one. I believe that your arousal will arouse him. And if your fire doesn’t ignite his, simply throw the bum out!

Good luck Ya’ll  and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

OUCH! WHAT? and Mmmm!

Name: Garth
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Location: South Africa
Hi I fissured my butt sometime ago and I think it has healed. I have undergone a Lateral Sphincterotomy twice – inner and outer. Unfortunately the area is now VERY sensitive and when I deficate the area ‘screams’ in pain. It is worse the softer the faecies is. When the faecies is firm, the pain is very low. Will this go? Is there any medication that I can use?

An anal fissure is a common proctological problem, especially for the heavy ass play crowd. An anal fissure is a tear in the anal tissue. The most common complaint is a pain in the ass…literally! during and after taking a dump. There may also be itching and possibly some bleeding. Pain and irritation can cause a spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle, which sleazes up and further aggravates the condition.

The Lateral Sphincterotomy you mention is a surgical procedure to close theanal-fissure-anterior-chronic-w-papilla.JPG fissure. This operation remains the primary form of treatment for chronic conditions.

All my medical consultants tell me that, if your surgeries healed properly, you shouldn’t be experiencing pain, let alone “screaming pain” when you shit. We all understand that the area will continue to be sensitive, but the pain you describe is not a good sign. You may very well have an infection. You need to have that looked at ASAP. This is nothing to fool around with.

Here’s a tip for everyone in my audience: pain, of any sort, is one way our body talks to us. Its message is— things are not as they should be; get it fixed NOW. Sometimes the pain will subside when we stop doing something…like holding our hand too close to a flame. Some pain will only subside when a condition is fixed…like getting a cavity in our tooth filled. Other pain, like the emotional pain that comes with depression is harder to soothe, but it can be done. Finally, pain like the kind Garth is experiencing means something is very wrong. And if not attended to immediately, things will only get much worse.

Name: Ryan
Gender: Male
Age: 20 something
Location: Lowell MA
A few years back, a friend confided that he contracted genital warts from his ex-girl friend. He had the genital warts on his genitals, anus, hands, feet and in his mouth. His ex-girl friend had it on her hands, in her vagina, mouth, anus and cervix. I can understand having it on the genitals and hands and in the anus, mouth and cervix. I didn’t ask how he got it on his feet.
He went to work in another state, but came back here two years later. He told me16789433_p.jpg he liked a girl he met and would like to bring the relationship into a more intimate level. I asked him about his genital warts. He said he was cured of it. I read that genital warts cannot be cured. That it can be treated, but will remain incurable and contagious although dormant for a while.
Will the girl get it after they had sex? My friend comes to my house very often, drinks beer with me and my girl friend. He uses the bathroom and the hand towel. Even after scrubbing the bathroom and washing the hand towel, can my girl friend and I get the genital warts? As for my friend, was he condemned not to have sex for life? Or, is it safe to have sex if there was no outbreak or external signs?

I’ve seen several bad cases of genital warts, but never a case that included hands feet and mouth. Perhaps that outbreak was something else, I won’t even hazard a guess.

You are right; technically genital warts remain incurable, though non-contagious and dormant if treated correctly. And proper treatment is the key. For more information you might consult: www.dph.sf.ca.us.

Casual contact, the kind you describe below — bathroom, towels, etc. — cannot pass on the virus. Transmission is dependent on intimate genital contact. Does your friend (his GF) have an outbreak going on now? Can you see something on his (her) hands and face?

I know my friend is a responsible person and he will not knowingly infect me with his genital warts. But, how can he be sure that the wart is dormant and non-contagious? I am now wary because he told me his genital warts were cured. This makes me wonder whether he was given the wrong medical advice or he was just trying to put my mind at ease. Aside from using the bathroom and towels, he also eats dinner at my home and could infect my dishes, utensils, cloth napkins, etc. and pass the virus to me and my girl friend.
This matter has the potential of becoming a dilemma for me and my friendship with him. I don’t want to ask him details such as who is his doctor, what kind of treatment he is getting (it seems the infected person must be tested periodically and the treatment ongoing) and how is he going to determine when he is not contagious. He is a sensitive person and I know that he will get angry if I asked him these questions. I can make excuses not to see him at my house (this only goes so far). If I ask or make excuses, I’d lose his friendship. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. But, I don’t want him to infect me and my girl friend with the virus either, knowingly or unknowingly
I don’t see any warts on his hands and on his feet (he wears sandals sometimes). I don’t know if he plans to tell the girl he plans to get intimate with.
My girl friend doesn’t know about this. She will freak out if I tell her and that will cause more problems. Help!!!???!!!

If I were you I would ask him about the treatment he received for his warts. That would put your mind at ease. Besides, your friendship sounds like it’s on the brink anyway. And here’s a tip: you probably have lots of casual contact with many other people with genital warts without even knowing it — it’s a very common malady.

Thank you very much. I think he should also tell the girl about his genital warts before having sex with her. She must be given the option to reject or accept it. I also read that the virus can be passed just with skin-to-skin contact when there is a flare up. Is this true?
I feel bad about this. Although my friend is a responsible person, there is still a chance he could get carried away in the heat of passion and throw precaution and caution to the wind.
I imagine it is difficult to enjoy sex when you have to do and think of many things that could go wrong. Giving him my sympathy will not help. He alone has the burden of doing what has to be done before having sex to prevent contaminating his girl friend or spreading he genital warts around.
I will appreciate any additional information/clarification/advice you can give me about this.
Thank you again for your help.

Genital warts, like herpes, are contagious only when there’s a flair-up. Skin to skin contact can pass the virus at that point. Also, like herpes, if the genital wart virus has been treated, the likelihood of passing on the virus is negligible.

I am of the mind that we all ought to be responsible and up-front with our sex partners about any health related issues that might impact on their health.

Name: T
Gender: Female
Age: 46
Location: Canada
Do you have any suggestions about FE, I believe I have once and it was total bliss. But achieving it again is quite another.

FE??? Are you talkin’ Female Ejaculation, darlin”? Ok, let’s start with a little background.

The G-spot (or Grafenberg Spot after the physician who first wrote about it) is a small area of spongy tissue just behind the front wall of the vagina, between the back of the pubic bone and the cervix. This is analogous tissue to the male prostate. In fact, the G-spot is sometimes referred to as the female prostate. But like most things sexual, particularly if it has to do with female sexuality, there’s a lot of debate about whether the G-Spot is the same thing as the female prostate. I intend to steer clear of that controversy just as much as possible.

What I can tell you for sure is that during early fetal development both male and female fetuses start out being physically female? This does not change until a male fetus begins to produce its own hormones around the eighth week of gestation. Only then does the physical development of the male and female bodies diverge. Of course, this necessitates that female fetuses initially have structures that could develop into either “male” or “female” reproductive and sexual organs. This means the tissue that develops into the male prostate gland must also be present in women. Get it?

Many women report that their G-area is more sensitive to stimulation than othersquirtingpic5.jpg parts of their vagina. To find your very own G-spot, put two fingers in your pussy and curve them upwards, like toward your belly. Now make a “come here” motion, stroking the upper wall of your vagina with a firm, upward pressure. Feel that? That’s your G-spot, darlin’! How fun is this?

Fingering yourself like this will probably be more pleasurable if you’re already aroused. Some women have orgasms and/or ejaculate from G-spot stimulation, but not all women ejaculate and not all women find G-spot stimulation pleasurable….wouldn’t ya just know it!

Some women report that they feel like they need to pee when their G-Spot is stimulated. Therefore, I suggest. that before you go rootin’ around in your pussy lookin’ for your g-spot, that you completely empty your bladder. Oh and make sure your fingers are well lubricated throughout your exploration. Even if you have a lot of your own vaginal lubrication, I always suggest the use of a water-based lubricant to augment your own juices.

We all know that post-menopausal women experience bouts of vaginal dryness, but even younger women have dry episodes, especially if they are taking antihistamines or antidepressants.

If ya want to hit your G-spot while fucking, may I suggest you try “the woman-on-top — cowgirl” position or the “doggy” position. These are best because your partner’s dick will be better situated to hit the front wall of your pussy.

***Guys, most women need firmer pressure to the front of their pussy to have a G-Spot orgasm. This might best be accomplished by quick strokes and a lot of deeper friction.

Like I mentioned earlier, G-Spot stimulation may cause you to ejaculate a small amount of white or clear fluid. Some women produce more ejaculate than others. Just remember, the gushers…the ones you see in porno movies…are faked for your viewin’ pleasure. I mean, come on; some of these videos would scare the fuck out of Noah!

Enjoy your exploration, T. Like I always say, the more you know about the mysterious workins of your own personal pussy the more information you’ll be able to share with your own personal partners.

If you’re looking for a swell “how to” look here: Dr Dick’s How To Video Library:

Good luck ya’ll

 

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Trouble In River City!

Name: Bill
Gender: Male
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
I recently discovered that my GF has been cheating on me. She wants me to forgive her but it’s been really hard. Just dealing with the fact that it happened is overwhelming. It feels like I could never forgive her. I don’t know if there’s a solution or not. I know I still love her but the truth is I feel dirty being around her. It also makes me feel stupid for putting up with this and letting it happen in the first place. I feel like a total sap. I’d love any advise you could give me.

Before we turn to chastising your vixen girlfriend for her behavior, let me make a quick observation about you, Paul. You sure are a ball of contradictions, aren’t you, darlin’? How can you say that you love a person who makes you feel dirty and stupid? Simply put, you are deceiving yourself about one or the other of these emotions. And pardon me, but there’s no way that what you describe here can be love. An obsession, heart sick, wounded pride, sour grapes…absolutely. Love? Ahhh, not so much! So stop saying that you love this woman, Paul, it’s just adding to the confusion.

16386555_p.jpgHere’s a tip for us all. Let’s each of us promise, right here and now, to save the “L” word for those feelings that are a little less desperate and debilitating. Ok? Because if we don’t reserve the “L” word for feelings that are uplifting and life-affirming then we will bandy about, like Paul here, that over-used term it to describe any and all our fixations. If what we are experiencing tears us down instead of building us up, then it ain’t love no how. Period!

Ok Paul, I ’m gonna try not read too much into your brief message, but there appears to be some important information here that we should consider. When you say your girlfriend…”has been cheating,” that suggests to me that her indiscretion may have been ongoing. Because you could have said…”she cheated on me.” Which would imply a one-time thing.

And what an interesting word choice “cheat” is in this context. This makes fidelity sound like some kind of sport. I don’t think fidelity is sport, nor do I think it is always a genital issue either. Lots of couples are faithful to one another even though they have open relationships and/or multiple sex partners. But I digress.

Since you can’t supply me with more of the gory details, Paul, I’m gonna go with the first option. I’m gonna assume you’re telling me that the chick’s been doin’ you wrong and it’s not a simple…”whoops, I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was like all normal, and the next there I was with my dress over my head and some guy, other than you honey, was pluggin’ away at me like there was no tomorrow”…sorta thing. Ok?

Since I don’t know how deep or exclusive this relationship with your girlfriend is or was supposed to be, I can hardly advise you on what you ought to do next. I can, however, point out that a secret ongoing affair suggests the trouble with your relationship runs pretty deep. Maybe your girlfriend has you pegged as a sap, and she knows that you will tolerate her indiscretions. Which in turn, gives her permission to do carry on in whatever manner she might like. Maybe she doesn’t think that your relationship with her is all that substantial in the first place. Who knows!

If you’re not a total sap, and you’re serious about reigning in your wayward GF, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate in the future. Until you do that there’s no point in even imagining there might be a future.

If, on the other hand, the two of you did agree to live in an exclusive relationship, and she’s still taking her business elsewhere, then I suggest the bond between you is pretty busted. Is there something salvageable here? Your guess is as good as mine. What is perfectly clear is that both you and your girlfriend need to step back and take a sober look at yourselves. There is a reason for her behavior, just like there’s a reason for your behavior. To get to the bottom of all of this each of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy, most likely with a professional therapist, and hope that the bank of goodwill between you is enough to carry the day.

However, if I had to guess from the tone in your message, I’d say there was precious little goodwill left. If so, why not be a man about it. Just call it quits and move on.

Good Luck

Name: Barbara
Gender: Female
Age: 48
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
I’ve been with my current lover for 5 years and I dearly love him. A couple of years ago he had hemorrhoid surgery and was in the hospital for a month. When he got home he refused to have sex with me but once a month of so. After two years his sexual interest is less and less. We have a wonderful time together, except for the sex. He’s a great guy and I know he loves me. We talk about it, but he tells me that he doesn’t need sex and he wants a platonic relationship. He’s not open to therapy. If he doesn’t want to be physical, I don’t want to force it but I’m masturbating all alone and I’m very frustrated. I don’t what to leave him, but I can’t stand the status quo.

This is a classic lament, Barbara. So many couples struggle with much the same thing. Love, intimacy and sex — three very different things — yet we are socialized into thinking that they should always come to us as a package deal. And anything that doesn’t is less than optimum and often downright bad or sinful. What a tiny little box we’re all supposed to fit in.

I believe there is a fundamental difference between love, sex and intimacy, but so many people confuse or conflate these very different needs to their detriment. Some go so far as to destroy an otherwise good and vibrant relationship just because it doesn’t conform to what we perceive as the norm…ya know the big package deal I just mentioned.

16689940_p.jpgI don’t know how we got it into our head that the only legitimate or wholesome sex is the sex that happens in a loving relationship, or that if there is no sex in a loving relationship, then that relationship is somehow defective. That’s simply not the case.

The way I see it, passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. Ya know, like the grips of hot monkey love that happens at the beginning of a relationship. In time this sexual tension dissipates. I might add that it takes a great deal of work to keep that kind of tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy, even though they may pay lip service to the desire for it.

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship, including sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the domestic tranquility option. But the result is the kind of sexual frustration you report.

Those who wish to have both sex and intimacy need to be creative in solving both issues. Not just imagining that loving someone is enough to make it happen.

That being said, Barbara, if your partner refuses to join you in any effort to find a solution to the problems that plague your relationship, he is telling you your concerns are unimportant to him. My counsel is always the same under these circumstances. If your sexual needs are as pressing as you say they are, then confront him in no uncertain terms. No beating around the bush, darlin’, it’s ultimatum time. Tell your partner that dragging his feet, or obstructing all together your efforts to solve your relationship problems signals to you that the relationship, at least as it is currently configured, is in desperate trouble.

As I’ve suggested earlier, you can tell him that there are several ways of keeping the relationship going without expecting he fulfill all of your sex and/or intimacy needs. But living without sex in your life is a deal breaker. He needs to know that you are serious about the crisis that exists. Of course, if you do this you will have to follow through on the ultimatum. To do otherwise would tell him that you don’t believe your concerns are all that important either.

If you ask me, life is too short to be living with all that sexual frustration. Don’t tolerate the frustration make it work for you. Your sexual frustration could be the very thing that motivates you to create better your situation for yourself and possibly your old man too.

Good Luck

Name: Dave
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location: Wisconsin
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. We have been together for over 6 years and we care for one another very much. The problem is that we never have sex. The last time was probably two years ago and that time he just took care of me and that was it. I haven’t seen him climax in years. I asked him if there’s a problem with me and he says no. I know he still has a sex drive because I’ve caught him masturbating once. When I bring up the subject he says he knows we need to work on it but that’s as far as it goes. I know he’s not cheating, but I can’t say the same about myself. Should I feel guilty for seeking sex outside our relationship without his permission? In the past I’ve felt horrible about this, but my frustration is overriding my guilt. But it still bothers me because I am not being the moral person I was raised to be. I’ve asked him about opening our relationship, but he doesn’t like that idea either. What am I supposed to do?

fist.jpgSad to say there’s not much a couple can do to either beef up a sex drive or cool one down, when there’s no will on the part of one or the other partners to do so. And I would say that if you guys have been living successfully like this for four years, there’s little chance of turning this around. Besides, why would you want to fix something that’s not really broken?

If, as you say, you are feeling guilty about going outside your relationship to find the sexual satisfaction you need and want, then it is time for you to have a chat with your lover. The tension you are experiencing between your sexual desires and your moral compass is a real good thing. It ought not be denied. But like I always say, these are often very difficult negotiations to hammer out. However, not to try to make these accommodations is, I believe, a form of sexual abuse.

Finally, regardless on how you approach the subject, there’s no need to sink to the lowest common denominator, bubby. Could it be the sex you have with your partner is just boring? And you’re misinterpreting his boredom as disinterest? You say he masturbates. What’s in his mind (or on the computer) when he does? Would you even know? Ever thought of asking? Maybe he’s just too self-conscious to come right out with it and ask for what he wants from you. Is there any way you could entice him back to bed with a little spice? Would he respond to some porn, or toys, or even a three-way?

Maybe it’s just as well there’s no sex in your relationship, you seem to be getting along very well otherwise. But only a frank and open discussion with your man is gonna shed the necessary light on this situation.

See Dave, you have lots of options. It’s time to be creative, like the fabulous homo you are.

Good Luck darling!

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