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Thou Shalt Not

Name: Lynn
Gender: Female
Age: 36
Location: Toronto
I’m a mother of three great kids. My oldest, who is in middle school, went to camp for the first time this past summer. A local church group sponsors the camp every year. When my husband and I asked him about his time away from home, he said rather noncommittally; “It was ok.” He seemed to like it well enough, but you know how uncommunicative kids can be at that stage.
Anyhow, yesterday I was packing away some summer stuff for the winter and discovered a pamphlet in my son’s backpack that he used at camp. It was for an “Abstinence Only” program. It was full of the most dreadful sex-negative fear and shame. It was awful. We are not raising our kids like that; my husband and I were appalled.
Now we’re wondering if this is why our son was so unenthusiastic about his camp experience. Do you think we should quiz him on this?
What gives with this kind of indoctrination anyway? I thought that those “Abstinence Only” programs had been discredited.

So wait; are you sayin’ that you think just because a social engineering strategy, like abstinence-only, has been debunked that it wouldn’t still be employed by certain factions of our culture? Oh hun, I think you oughta rethink that supposition right away, don’t cha know.abstinence_only-1

I mean, come on! There are loads of outdated and discredited philosophies still being promulgated as a means to ensnare the uninformed and gullible. I don’t know about ya’ll up there in Canadaville, but here in Amercanski land we have a whole segment of our population who believes that creationism as a viable explanation for the universe. In fact, one or another of these idiots runs for national office, even for President of these here United States, as a Republican in every election cycle.

So, as you can see, there’s not necessarily a connection between what has been discredited and what is still wildly popular in some segments of our population.

Way back in the spring of 2007, a long-awaited congressionally funded national study concluded that abstinence-only sex education does not keep teenagers from having sex. Nor does it increase the likelihood that, if they do have sex, they will use a condom.

Authorized by Congress in 1997, the study followed 2000 children from elementary and middle school into high school. The children lived in four communities — two urban, two rural. All of the children received the family life services available in their community; in addition, slightly more than half of them also received abstinence-only education.

By the end of the study, when the average child was just shy of 17, half of both groups had remained abstinent. The sexually active teenagers had sex the first time at about age 15. Less than a quarter of them, in both groups, reported using a condom every time they had sex. More than a third of both groups had two or more partners.

So if abstinence-only programs don’t work, at least the way they are supposed to; why do we still have them? Ahhh, good question. We still have them because for a large segment of the population, especially those who are makin’ all them babies, it’s easier to just tell their kids “NO” than to step up to the plate and educate their kids about sex in a wholesome and holistic way.

Bennett editorial cartoonAnother problem is that the word abstinence often means something quite different to kids than it does to adults. That’s one reason why abstinence-only programs do not have strong effects in preventing teenage sexual activity. At least that’s what a University of Washington study found.

The researchers found that interventions that encourage abstinence treat abstinence and sexual activity as opposites. Teenagers, on the other hand, don’t consider them to be mutually exclusive concepts. Like in the congressionally sponsored study, the UW researchers found abstinence-only programs are less likely to work than more comprehensive sex-education programs because they are not speaking the same language as adolescents.

The study also showed that attitudes and intentions about sex were more powerful than attitudes and intentions about being abstinent. No surprise there, I suppose.

Again, I don’t know how things are there in Canada, but down here there is no federal funding for comprehensive sex-education. But there’s a shit-load of funding for abstinence-only programs. Funding mushroomed from $9 million in1997 to $176 million in 2007. Leave it to congress to dump loads of money into a program that doesn’t work. But such is the power of the conservative religious lobby. They are the people who back these programs.

This wouldn’t be such a big issue if it didn’t hold such dire consequences. For example, the United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate among all first-world nations. The rates of sexually transmitted diseases in this country are also astronomical. If we want to keep our young people safe from the negative aspects of casual sex, abstinence-only programs are not the way to go.abstinence

However, more comprehensive programs that include abstinence as one choice are much more likely to have a more productive outcome. Besides, is it ever a good idea to try and motivate people with fear and shame? I don’t think so.

Since abstinence-only programs often only look at the negatives of sex, it doesn’t really empower a young person to take responsibility for his/her behaviors. This is particularly thorny for young women who often bear the brunt the peer pressures to be sexual. And they have way more at stake in terms of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

When kids aren’t expected to take responsibility for their behaviors, especially in terms of sexuality, it cripples their ability to make good life-affirming choices. Abstinence-only programs disqualify all sexual options, even the relatively innocuous behaviors like mutual masturbation and oral sex. So if all sexual options are equally out of bounds, there’s no way for the average kid to distinguish between harmless and risky behaviors. And this is what leads to the high rate of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies.

If we want our kids to grow up with healthy and integrated attitudes about sex, ones that will lead to more loving and fulfilling sexual relationships later in life, we ought teach from a more sex-positive theory.

Back to the other question you raise; the one about quizzing your son about his camp experience. I think that would be great. It would let him know that you care, that you don’t support this fear and shame-based approach to human sexuality and that he doesn’t have to embrace it either.

Good Luck

FRUSTRATED!!

Name: Isabel
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Location: Olympia WA
HI, my guy and I have been together for five years now and he is 29 now. Of course in the beginning we were all over each other, but now (five years later) he can go months with out even thinking about sex. And of course I am going crazy for it. He says me pining for sex is a turn off but I cant help it. He thinks its normal, but I know its not. I don’t know how to get him in the mood. I’ve tried going down on him at night, romantic dinners, porn, and sucking up to his ego. But still to no avail. I know he’s straight. I am sure there are some things that contribute to his lack of interest. Like he was raised Mormon, and in some regards holds women on a pedestal. So what would you advise me to do? What can I do to help him get hornier?

You’re right, darlin’, it ain’t normal! A guy in his 20’s, albeit his late, late 20’s, who has no libido…that’s just downright odd.sexual-Frustration

So let’s say for the sake of argument that you’re right, he is straight as can be (no secret cock on the side). And he can go months without showing any interest in sex? Come on! If he had been like this from the get go, we could make the case that he just doesn’t have an interest in sex. That’s not particularly uncommon. But to go from a vigorous sex live to virtually none in a few years, that’s fishy. Are you confident that he is still attracted to you? Sometimes a guy would rather a life of quiet desperation than tell his GF that he’s no longer into her in a sexual sort of way.

Is he experiencing any health problems? Is he overweight, diabetic? Is he on any prescribed meds? Is he smoking too much pot, consuming too much booze? Is he overworked on the job? Is he sleep deprived? All these things can impact on a dude’s sex drive. I’d recommend he see his physician for some blood work to check his testosterone levels. Sometime a guy’s hormone levels can take a nosedive without him knowing it.

Finally, to your question…what can you do to help him get hornier? Probably nothing beyond what you’ve already tried, unless you suggest a sex therapist. If a surprise blowjob, a romantic dinner, porn and even an ego boost don’t do the trick, and he says no to therapy, then I’d say he’s a lost cause. Time to take your needs to someone with a little more lead in his pencil, if ya know what I mean. None of us should have to beg for our bone.

Good luck

Name: Amber
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Location: Fort Worth, TX
When me and my husband have sex he just seems to want to get it over with. I don’t ask him for it because every time I do ask him he’s not in the mood. He wont even try to help me warm up I have to do it all myself. I even do everything to him that he asks me. He also seems like he doesn’t want to please me because I’ll tell him ways to make it easier and positions I like and he just ignores me and goes on the way he wants it. When we first met sex was amazing and now sex is literally a 2-minute session just for him. What do I do to get him to help me out too?

sexual-frustration-1See my response to Isabel, right above you.

And to that I would add that if your man is not being mutual in your sex play he’s not playing fair. And not to mince words, but your husband sounds downright abusive. Marriage does not give a person license to ignore, reject or abuse. I’m not one for ultimatums, but the longer you tolerate his behavior, the more obstinate he will become. Give him a choice, either work with you to find a happy solution to this or you are gone.

Good Luck

Name: Mario
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Location: CA
I watch porn once in a while and have noticed that when I have an erection I get the “precum” after a while of having the erection. The problem is that lots of precum leaks out and it’s embarrassing for me when I’m with a girl. They usually get grossed out and stop oral sex. Will the precum go away with time or will this happen to me forever?

Ahhh, the heartbreak of pesky precum drip! I used to know this guy that dripped like a broken faucet and all he had to do was think about a woman’s tits. It was absolutely amazing. When I knew him he was at his first job as a teller in a bank in downtown San Francisco. If there was so much as a woman in line with a low cut blouse and a bit of cleavage precum012showing, he was done for. He could feel his juice drip down his leg. He tried many things to keep his heartbreak from being so obvious — he would wear baggy pants, double up on underwear, he’d stuff his junk in a sock and wear a jock over the sock under his underwear. That worked, but it was uncomfortable. Finally he discovered his own personal solution — he pulled his foreskin over the head of his dick and put a little rubber band over the end. This way his juice would build up inside his hood until he released the rubber band. Now that was creative thinking. I’ll admit this guy was unusual with his prodigious cock dribble, but he was young, only in his late teens, but his “problem” did subside with time.

This whole phenomenon is not unlike a person with a heavy perspiration problem. You know the guys, the ones who run with sweat from every pour at slightest amount of stress or effort. For most, this happens during puberty and early adulthood, but it doesn’t last.

Listen, pup, I know it might be a bit embarrassing, but it’s really very natural. I encourage you to just go with the flow…no pun intended. The more you worry about it the more it will plague you and in time you will become so self-conscious about it, it will cause performance anxiety. Think of it this way; consider yourself lucky, all that precum is a swell natural lubricant. Ya know some women have a similar concern with an abundance of vaginal liberation produced during arousal. But believe me, it always way better to have too much than not enough.

To your concern that some girls get grossed out by your leaky dick, well all I can say is they’re no connoisseur of cocksucking. Because those in the know consider precum the Nectar of the Gods!

Good luck

Nicely Naughty

Name: Seth
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: Las Vegas
My girlfriend has told me that her last boyfriend was very naughty in bed and very good as well, just wondering if you had any advice on how to follow up such an intense sexual relationship? Naughty or intimate, or whatever Thanks SDG,

Let me introduce you to the DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY and show you around this marvelous resource. First you’re gonna have to mozie on over to the Video Library tab at the top of this page. Once you click on that link you’re immediately taken to the video library itself.comma sutra

If you don’t know how a pay-for-view set up works, just click on the “HELP” tab and read all about it. If you already are familiar with this sort of video on demand thingy then you are ready to go.

Here’s what you do. Using the TITLE search field type in key words like: Sexual Secrets. Sex Skills, Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, Best Sexual Positions, Sexual Massage, What Women Really Want…things like that. Each of those searches will take you to a specific video title. Once on a particular title’s page you can read more about that particular vid. You can choose to watch by the minute. You can rent the entire video for an extended period of time. Or even download-to-own the blasted thing. Isn’t that amazing?

Further down the page you’ll see all the scenes from the video you’ve chosen. Here you have the option of watching only the scenes that appeal to you and nothing more.

You can search by Studio and/or by Director. I have a couple of recommendations for this kind of search too. If you are searching by studio look for: Access Instructional Media or anything with Nina Hartley or Tristan Taormino, You can search by Category too. Use the pull-down CATEGORY menu and look for “Instructional”.

Just look at the wealth of information available to you for virtually pennies.

 

And that, my friend, is just the beginning. At the bottom of each page there is a whole selection of other similar types of movies. Why, you could spend hours and hours educating, enriching and entertaining yourself.

And here’s a tip, Seth, why not check out some of these titles with your GF. Don’t be afraid to ask her for a little direction on finding precisely the sorts of things that interest her. If, as you say, she is more sexually experienced then you; then, by all means, allow her to take the lead. This in no way insinuates that you are less a man for doing this. Rather it will mark you as an open minded, sexually progressive fellow who wants to learn. No woman will be able to resist that.

Finally, I encourage you to keep things playful…even as you learn.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Learning the ropes

Name: James
Gender: Male
Age: 19
Location: Alaska
I am gay. I still have trouble saying that because of my very conservative upbringing, but that is not what I need help with today. I had my first few sexual encounters the other week with this great understanding, older guy. When he was blowing me it felt great, however I wasn’t able to cum during the oral sex. Is this normal? And is there anything I can do to change that? Thank you so much for any help, and the chance to say something to someone about being gay. I don’t get to talk about issues in this genre because of the taboo-ness of the issue. Thanks a lot- James

Wow, sorry to hear you’re living in such a repressive environment, pup. I hope that changes for you soon. Just remember, change is gonna begin with you. The longer you put up with the repression the harder it will be to break its grip.

Coming out is rarely a breeze for anyone. This is especially true for those, like yourself, who were raised in a conservative home. But then throwing off the shackles of oppression, however they present themselves, will make you a much better person in the long run. Like the old saying goes; “If you allow someone to control your sexuality, you allow that person to control all of you.” So nothing reverses the repression quicker than exercising your sexuality on your own terms.

As to the oral sex question you raise, I’ve written a whole lot about that already. You might want to glance over to the sidebar and look for CATEGORIES pull down menu. Look for the main category — Sex Therapy. Then look for the subcategory — Ejaculation Concerns.You’ll find a load of written postings and podcasts.

The gist of what I’ve had to say about this is; it’s not uncommon for a guy not to get off with just a blowjob. This is particularly true for someone who is new to the whole hummer thing. There’s also the distinct possibility that the guy doin the blowin’ may not be a particularly talented cocksucker. It happens! It happens a lot, believe me.

That being said, there are things you can do to change this if that’s what you really want. First and foremost, you need to communicate with your partner on how he’s doing down there. Ya see most of us guys get real used to the feel of our hand on our wang while jerkin-off. After years of practice we get our stroke down to a science. We know exactly when to apply more pressure, or loosen our grip. We know exactly when to speed up the stroke and when to ease off. We know exactly when to yank on our balls or stick a finger in our ass and diddle our prostate. We know all of this because our body is giving us constant feedback all the time we’re playin’ with ourselves.

On the other hand, the cocksucker between our legs isn’t gettin that kind of immediate sensory feedback, so he’s not gonna know what to do when. That is, unless you tell him. And it’s really ok to give the guy a little direction. A talented cocksucker, of course, will already know how to ask you for feedback. After all, he’s new to your cock and his experience tells him that all cocks respond the same why to the same stimulus.

Another thing you can do is relax. There’s not a whole lot of “shoulds” when it comes to sex. So the more relaxed you are the more you will be able to enjoy the pleasure. If your mind is all busy with dumb shit like — oh my god, I’m not gettin off, what must he think of me? — then you’re not in the moment and the pleasure is wasted on you.

Finally, the best way to learn how to receive a good blowjob is to become a fabulous cocksucker yourself. Smokin’ you some fine pole is an art form. It’s way more than simply than rappin’ your lips around a bloke’s dick. The more you understand about superior cocksucking the better you’ll be at guiding your partners through the fine points of eatin’ you meat. So get out there and get some experience.

Not sure what to do when faced with a big beautiful baloney pony? Well, you’re in luck. Check out my sexual enrichment tutorial: So Ya Wanna Be A World-Class Cocksucker …OR HOW TO GIVE THE PERFECT BLOW JOB.

Good Luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Real Thing, Baby!

Hey sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday and we have a brand spankin’ new product designed to titillate your lady parts. Hurrah! And here to tell us all about it is Dr Dick Review Crew members, Joy & Dixie.

Sqweel 2 —— $62.70

Joy: “What we have here is the Sqweel 2, which is the second incarnation of this product made by LoveHoney. Dixie and I actually shelled out our hard-earned cash to purchase one for ourselves.”
Dixie: “Yeah, one of our girlfriends said she had one and loved it. The Sqweel 2 is supposed to simulate oral sex for a woman. Got me to thinkin’; the person who designed this thing couldn’t have been a woman, or if it was, no one ever ate out her pussy properly.”
Joy: “Damn straight! Pardon the pun. Dr Dick keeps referring to me as his Go-To Gal for all things pussy related. Apparently the good Dr doesn’t have a pussy of his own. Pity! But I digress. Any woman who’s received some excellent head will know in a matter of seconds that the Sqweel 2 is not the moral equivalent of excellent muff diving.”
Dixie: “All I could do when I tried the Sqweel 2 is think of that 1968 hit single by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell — Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Real Thing, Baby!”
Joy: “That’s funny. Don’t get us wrong, the Sqweel 2 isn’t a bad product, by any means. It offers some very interesting sensations and they are a nice change from the buzz of a vibrator. My quarrel is with them saying it simulates oral sex. Eating out at the Y is way more complex than a repetitive lapping motion, get it? And imagine of some clueless straight guy saw this thing. What kind of message would he be getting about cunnilinsus?”
Dixie: “The Sqweel 2 looks like it’s gonna be way more fun than it actually is. It’s more of a tease. The working part of this thing is a wheel of “tongues” made of silicone. You absolutely will need to use some lube with this, because the tongues will drag without. And since the tongues are silicone, you’ll need a water-based lube. A silicone-based lube will degrade the beautiful finish of the wheel of tongues. It’s powered by three AAA batteries, which are not included in the package.”
Joy: “The Sqweel 2 can be applied to your clitoris, nipples, or any other external area of the body. But unless you are one of those women who gets off with a feather touch, the Sqweel 2, as Dixie mentioned, will only tease.”
Dixie: “I’ll admit, my clit has been around the block a time or six; I need my clit toys to take charge down there. This one was maddening. Applying even the slightest pressure stops the wheel completely. DISAPPOINTED!”
Joy: “There are two main controls to the Sqweel 2: an on/off/speed control button and a direction button. There are three speeds. Pressing the direction button will reverse the direction of the tongues. And pressing it again will make the tongues go back and forth. Be sure to use the locking switch above the main controls to lock the plastic cover over the tongues so it doesn’t pop off, which allows the wheel to fall off. This happened to me. I was not amused.”
Dixie: “You grip the Sqweel 2 on its bottom and you point the tongues toward your clit or wherever else you might want the stimulation. However, it is much easier to use on someone else than it is to use on yourself.”
Joy: “To clean, you remove the wheel, which is very simple to do. Clean the tongues in warm soapy water and let it air dry. You also have to clean the outside and inside of the housing. Unfortunately, the Sqweel 2 isn’t waterproof, so you can’t submerge it, which would be the optimum solution to the chore of cleaning up.”
Dixie: “Neither one of us can honestly recommend the Sqweel 2. To give the manufacturer its due, it’s a clever idea. It is just not executed very well.”
Full Review HERE!
ENJOY!

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