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No boundaries, no edge!


Since I published The Gospel of Kink — A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For this past summer, I’ve met dozens and dozens of kinksters from all over the world. Many of these new acquaintances are much younger than I; many have just begun their erotic journey. Their youthful enthusiasm is infectious and they remind me how passionate I was as I began to awaken to my own sexual interests. But that was a very long time ago. So I’m grateful for this infusion of excitement because without it I know that I can easily become callous and jaded.Life-on-the-edge  And where’s the fun in that?

Being as old as I am, I am proud to have been part of the sex-positive and kink aware movements for as long as these terms have been around to help us understand and appreciate the panoply of human sexual response. I have been an out and proud member of the sexual fringe and alt culture for all of my adult life. And I remain an ardent advocate and activist for sexual awareness and life-long sex education and enrichment.

At the same time, I also like being a sexual outlaw. Unfortunately, over the years, many sectors of what was once the edge have been co-opted by the mainstream. Despite this, many of us long to push the envelope and remain outsiders. I admire that about us. However, there is a palpable backlash within the dominant culture toward us, as well as among us, here on the fringe, toward one another.

I don’t think that anyone can argue with the fact that there is a disturbing and very noticeable uptick in violence against the LGBTQ community lately. I chalk this up as a reaction to the gains we’ve made in the marriage equality struggle. Our increased visibility and our growing power base threatens many people who are loathe to relinquish or even share their privilege.  But there is an equally disturbing trend within our own community. I call it the “kinkier than thou” syndrome. It’s as if some of us, sensing the encroachment of the dominant culture on what has traditionally been  our turf, are creating a backlash of our own. This exhibits itself as a cult of extremism and its mantra is “no limits.” Some proclaim that the extreme is the only legitimate edge; everything else is dilettante play.

I don’t know about you, but having someone or some group unilaterally set themselves up as the arbiter of what is and what is not authentic grates against everything I hold sacred. I don’t take kindly to this any more than I abide a cultural moralist trying to dictate how I ought live out my sexuality and my eroticism.

your own herdBeside the arrogance of it all, there is the divisiveness. People just beginning to embrace their kinkiness are being put off by the stench of this exclusivity and rightfully so.

Extremism, in all of its forms, sows the seeds of its own destruction. You think you’re extreme? Well, I can assure you that, in the dungeon down the street, there is someone even more extreme than you, or extreme in a different way than you. Truth is, the laws of physics apply to us, and our erotic predilections, just as it does to everything else. Where there is no boundary there is no edge. If your extremism is without boundaries is not edgy, it’s just chaos.

I believe that it’s edgy enough to try and live and sustain our eroticism in the face of an often hostile dominant culture. I believe that none of us need to prove our edginess beyond our pursuit of our authentic selves.

Show him around, why don’t cha?

Name: Frankie
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Location: Juneau
Dr. Dick, I have been married for about 6 years and my husband and I have a great relationship. But I’m unsatisfied with our sex life. Here’s the thing. When I masturbate I cum, but I don’t when I have sex with my husband. When I was in college I had a NSA (no strings attached) sexual relationship with this guy. Neither one of us had an emotion attachment to the other, but it was great sex. Is it possible the reason I can’t cum with my husband is a breakdown between my emotions and my orgasms?

I think you’re asking if it is possible for a person to get off with a relative stranger (a NSA kinda connection), but have difficulty fully enjoying sex with someone they truly love. Is that about the size of it?

If I’m on target here, than the answer is yes, absolutely. This is more likely to be a bugaboo for women than men, but a lotta people experience a disconnect between sex and intimacy for one reason or another. If you can get off on your own and/or in a zip less fuck, but not with your old man, then I’d say you might be experiencing such a rift.bound_male.03

Sometime this has to do with upbringing. If you were socialized as a girl to believe that sex is dirty, or at least not particularly wholesome; then you may find it difficult putting love and sex together. Or if you were taught as a girl to think that women who enjoy sex are whores; then you may find it difficult putting devotion and passion together.

Of course, your problem might simply be that your college beau was a much better cocksmith than your hubby. He may have had the key, so to speak, to unlocking your orgasm.

Let’s start here. On the scale of 1-10, 10 being “World-Class Lover,” how would you rate your husband? If he is less then an 8, you’re gonna have to show him how to become a 10. Since many women require direct clitoral stimulation to get off, I suggest you have your old man stimulate your clitoris with his mouth, fingers or a vibrator. Have him do this before, during after, or even instead of fucking. Also, you gotta let him know precisely the way you like and need to be touched. This will go a long way towards increasing your sexual pleasure and satisfaction, which is the foundation to having orgasms. He will benefit too and become a much better lover.

restraintsThis is why I’m such a big proponent of mutual masturbation, even…or should I say especially…for folks in exclusive and long-term relationships. I like to think of it as a way of checking in with one another about the all important arousal stage of our sexual response cycle, which changes with time. Do yourself a favor and invite your hubby to a little show. If you think you might be a wee bit shy for just dropping trou and jilling-off for him, make this part of your sex play. Try a little erotic bondage; have him sit up in a chair or lie back in bed. Restrain his hands and arms and possibly his legs and feet as well using a belt, necktie, or silk scarf.

When you’re certain he won’t be able to use his hands to reach for you while you’re doing your show and tell, let the tour of your lady parts begin. Straddle his chest or lap, and bring your pussy up close to his face. Start by pointing out all the amazing features of your own unique vulva. Make this part instructional, but also naughty too. Stick your fingers in your hubby’s mouth and get them all slick with spit, then finger yourself. Get your own juices flowing and diddle your clit. It’ll be the most fantastic lap (face) dance he’ll ever have.

This is the ideal time for some dirty talk or reading erotic aloud. The more tuned on you are the better it will be for him too. Show him how you bring yourself to orgasm. Feel free to include lots of lube and a toy or two. Remember, this is all about you, but for his benefit. I can assure you it will be instructive for him and liberating for you. And most of all it will be hot, steamy fun for you both. And it won’t involve fucking. Once you’ve gotten yourself off a time or two, undo his restraints and let him do the same to and for you. Who know what wonderfully erotic doors will open for you both through this exercise.

Good luck

Take a look at all the interesting and smutty stuff I’ve collected on my new Tumbler page HERE!

Boys Will Be Boys

Name: James
Gender: Male
Age: 19
I want to know if I should have sex with a man for the first time.

Well gee, darlin’, I suppose that would all depend on if you are into man-sex or not. If you are, I suppose having your first encounter will be like falling off a log. However, if you’re not into gay sex, then why would you even be considering such a thing.boys kissing

For the sake of argument, let’s just say you are into some hot man-on-man action, or think you are. If that’s the case, I have some questions. Do you have a particular partner in mind? If you do, what is it about this guy that makes you want to get physical with him? If you’re honest with yourself about this, you will probably be able to determine what kind of sexual contact you want to have with the dude. Which brings me to my next set of questions.

What kind of gay sex are you looking to experiment with? Something light, like kissing, making out, mutual masturbation, shared hand-jobs? For more information on this, check out my swell tutorial about hand jobs titled: The Art Of The Humble Hand Job.

Perhaps you’re looking to be a bit more adventurous, like cock sucking. That’s great too. But wait! Would you know how to smoke some pole with grace and ease? If not, check out my tutorial: So Ya Wanna Be A World-Class Cocksucker …Or How To Give The Perfect Blow Job. To find this brilliant expose and lots more information about the humble hummer, go to the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar and look for “ORAL.” Then look for Cock Sucking.

Maybe you’re considering butt fucking. That’s a bit advanced for the gay sex novice, but it’s not unheard of. If I were you, I’d return to the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar and check out the heading “ANAL”. There you will be treated to loads of information about being a good top, like my tutorial, Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top. As well as my tutorial for being a good bottom, Liberating The B.O.B Within.

There’s only one thing you absolutely need to know when it comes to ass fuckin, regardless of what position floats your boat. Be sure that whoever is on top uses a condom. And if you don’t know why you need to do that, then darlin’, you’re just not ready for sex with any kind of partner…same sex or otherwise.

Good luck

Name: Tony
Gender: Male
Age: 24
I’m trying to find out how to get ink marks off my dick without hurting my dickhead.

Whoops! Looks like you need to reevaluate the company you keep when you drink to the point of passing out, my friend.

I realize writin’ shit on a guy’s johnson while he’s unconscious is a hilarious practical joke among the frat-boy crowd. I mean, what could be funnier, right? Of course being on the receiving end of this little prank, like our friend Tony here, is considerably less comical.

i enjoy penisRidding oneself of ink marks, particularly the indelible variety, from one’s privates is a pain — both literally and figuratively. The best one can say about this clean-up chore is that it will probably cure the guy of binge drinking, at least with a bunch of rowdy adolescent-minded companions with Sharpie markers and too much time on their hands.

OK, Tony, here’s what you do. First, apply a liberal coat of baby oil or mineral oil to the effected area. Take your time massaging the oil into your skin. You may discover that this oily massage gives you a woody. That may be the silver lining to your ink-stained cloud. Actually having an erection will help expand the skin of your dickhead and allow the mineral oil to better penetrate the skin. The oil will sink into your skin and help lift the ink stain to the surface.

Follow this part of the treatment with lots of warm soap and water. You should see ink stain lessening.

Next, massage in a liberal mount of rubbing alcohol. Follow this with more warm soap and water.

Continue alternating between mineral oil followed by soap and water and rubbing alcohol followed by soap and water. Always ending the treatment with the soap and water part. A couple applications like this should do the trick. I would, however, recommend that you be as gentle as possible. If the satin persists after two such applications, give your prick a day to rest before attacking the stain again.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

The Art Of The Humble Hand Job

Name: Jenna
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Location: Arlington, VA
Dr Dick my husband of 4 years has an exceptionally large penis. He likes nothing better than for me to rub him to climax. We have intercourse and we do oral on each other and he likes that just fine. He just prefers to watch me use my hands on him. Do you think that’s odd?

There ain’t nothin’ wrong with your hubby, Jenna, he just loves himself a good old-fashioned hand job. Here’ the deal with a lot of us folks who own our own cock. We first become acquainted with the pleasure our willie can offer through handling ourselves. And when it comes right down to it, there is rarely a mouth, pussy or ass that can compete with the variety of stroke and firmness of grip that a hand can provide. Simply stated, the humble hand job is the ideal way to pleasure your man. Just remember, even though jerkin your guy off isn’t particularly exotic, as far as sex acts go, it never has to be boring for you or him.

handjobI am of the mind that a brilliant wank begins with a first class lube. Many guys swear by silicone-based lubes for this purpose, but a hand job connoisseur like your hubby will probably have his very own favorite. Start off with just enough lube to make things slick, you don’t want to over do it. Get a feel for his johnson and what you have to work with. Skillfully draw back the skin of his rod toward the root of his dick till it is taut. This is much easier to do on uncut men, but even cut men will have some skin left for move. While you’re doing this feel free to uooh and ahhh a lot. Your man will get off on you admiring his unit.

This is a perfect time to marvel at the work of art before you. For, as we all know, a hard man is good to find. You say, Jenna, that you man is hung big…lucky you. Can you wrap your fingers around the base of his unit and get a good grip there? If not, you’ll want to consider a cockring for this purpose. If you don’t know what a cockring is or how to put one on, you can find my cockring tutorial, Cockring Crash Course on my product review site,  In fact, if you use a cockring, you’ll free up both your hands for what’s to come.

Now that you got yourself a really nice boner goin’, get between his legs. Take his cock between the palms of your hands, interlock your fingers and guide your hands up and down his shaft. Your thumbs should be on the underside of his dick, so that on each stroke up and down, you hit his frenulum with the pads of your thumb. Now with his cock still between your palms, rub your hands together, like if you were warming them. This will provide a great new sensation for your guy.

Hold his cock in one hand and with the well-lubed palm of your other hand, slowly move it in nice lazy circles all over his dickhead. This is a particularly delicate procedure, especially if your man is uncut. His dickhead will be super sensitive, now that he is fully aroused. And don’t forget, if you are using a cockring, his pecker will be even more engorged than usual, making it hypersensitive. Be sure to ask for hand in pantsfeedback on this move. If he finds this too uncomfortable, move on to something more pleasurable. Here’s a tip: us men being who we are will, no doubt, already be giving you directions on what to do and how to do it down there. So all you have to do is follow his lead. Remember, he knows his way around his joint better than anyone.

Don’t forget to service his nuts. Since a guy’s jewels are less sensitive to touch than his dickhead, you can manhandle them a lot more. Squeeze and tug and even gently slap those babies to your heart’s delight. While you are doing that, and with his dick flat against his belly, shimmy the heel of your hand up and down the underside of his cock. You see how you are incorporating different sensations and movements all at the same time? Keep this up and your man will be putty in your hands, no pun intended.

Interlace your fingers and make a tight passageway through the palms of your hands. Pump up and down his shaft this way. As you get to the top of his cock close the passageway even tighter. Then make him squeeze his way in as you slide back down to the bottom. Then with one hand rapidly following the other in only a downward stroke, make like a perpetual penetration tunnel. This will make his eyes roll back in his head in ecstasy.

This might be a good time to incorporate other parts of your body besides your hands. Most men get off on a titty –fuck. Cozy his cock between your boobs and have him hump away. You can also use your feet in the same fashion. Guys can really get off fuckin’ a chick’s feet.

hand-job-13Now, back to the hand job. Rhythmically stroke only his rod. Watch as his dickhead swells and turns red or even purple. Once it’s bright red, use your fingertips on the tip of his dick like you are turning a doorknob, first to the right, then to the left. Lightly at first, but slowly increase the pressure till he begs you to stop. Now you got him right where you want him.

Here’s where things can get really interesting. When he’s least expecting it, move one of your hands down past his nuts and taint. You know what a taint is, don’t cha? That’s the patch of skin between his balls and his asshole. It got its name from taint ass and taint balls, ya get it? Anyhow, once past his taint you’ll find his rosebud. With a well-lubed finger massage his pucker. If this is virgin territory for you and the hubby, he’s in for the thrill of his life. Continue to stroke both his cock and asshole. Don’t be afraid to try and push your fingertip past his sphincter. If he lets you inside, you will have access to his prostate. But even if he doesn’t, massaging the outside of his hole will bring him very close to an explosive conclusion.

If you’re ready to finish him off, so to speak, pick up the pace of your stroke. He will be breathing heavily now and he’ll look down over his chest at the miracle happening between his legs. Tell him to throw his legs in the air and spread them as far apart as possible. This will add considerably to the muscle tension that you’ve already built up. And a thunderous orgasm is all about muscle tension.jizz6

Now bring this puppy home. Lick his balls, finger his hole and beat his meat like it owes you money. Insist that he keeps his feet in he air and his legs splayed. Momentarily, he will begin to quake with building mini-orgasms. He will no doubt try to buck himself to conclusion, but don’t let him. For the moment you’re in charge down here, not him. Tease him one last time as he nears ejaculation. When he’s almost there, suddenly stop what you’re doing. This will, of course, drive him crazy. And don’t resume your stroking till he begs for it.

It will probably only take a few more strokes before he gives up the spunk. Keep your face, or at least your eyes, out of the way, because when he finally blows it will be explosive. If you’ve toyed with him for any length of time, you will have built up quite a load and it will shoot in spurts till he is empty.

His cock will be hypersensitive after he cums, so be gentle.

Good luck


Bustin’ A Nut!

Soooo glad the holidays are over. I’m also looking forward to another year of doin’ the Dr Dick thing. Let’s kick things off with this oh so brief question from Chris.

Name: Chris
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Portland, OR
Can a man have an orgasm without ejaculating?

You betcha, Chris! And not only that, but it is relatively easy for a man to become multi-orgasmic. On the other hand, it’s very, very rare indeed for a guy to be multi-ejaculatory. This phenomenon, while not completely unheard of, is generally something that only happens to young men.male_masturbation

It’s pretty evident to anyone who is paying the least amount of attention that an ejaculation is not the same thing as an orgasm. And anyone paying the least amount of attention would also know that it possible to ejaculate without having an orgasm. But that’s the problem isn’t it? Most of us men folk don’t really take the time to notice how our bodies work and so we miss the distinction between the two.

What do ya say we take a minute to discern the difference between an ejaculation and an orgasm? Maybe this will encourage those in my audience who haven’t stopped to notice, to pay a bit more attention to their sexual responses. When we shoot, or dribble as the case may be, a load, or dab as the case may be, of spooge out our cock; this is called an ejaculation. When we have undulating waves of pleasure that seems to rise up from deep inside our pelvis; this is an orgasm. There are big ones and smaller ones. Obviously, these two responses — ejaculation and orgasm — often happen simultaneously. In fact, the muscle contractions of the one often add to the intensity of the other. But still they are independent of one another.

Another thing, a guy can ejaculate and orgasm without an erection. Just because there’s no stiffy doesn’t mean the nerve endings are disconnected. But again, few men bother to discover the joys a soft cock is capable of. And some even have shame when they have difficulty getting an erection. That’s too bad, because it just adds to the performance anxiety.

1sexual_response_cycle_maleAn orgasm is an orgasm, regardless if you are a man or a woman. They are simply waves of pleasure generated by the release of sexual tension and the accompanying muscle contractions. If a guy is to become multi-orgasmic he’s got to learn to ride the wave without rushing to conclude the event with an ejaculation. Some guys do this through edge play, others through tantric sex practices. Either way, the end result is the same; prolonging the pleasure with the intention of building to an explosive orgasm, which may or may not include an ejaculation.

In terms of physiology, an ejaculation is merely a muscle reflex. These can happen independent of conscious pleasuring, like in a wet dream. The same is true for someone with a spinal cord injury. He will indeed ejaculate with the proper stimulus, he just can’t feel it. At the same time, both paraplegic men and women report having orgasmic feelings that are not the result of any genital contact. They say their orgasmic sensations come through kissing, nipple play, neck and ear stimulation, or other kinds of erotic touch.

I know several able-bodied men who also claim to have nipple-generated orgasms. I even jizz009knew a woman once who claimed she was able to “fantasize herself to orgasm.” Our bodies are amazing that way. Unfortunately, most of us never discover the tremendous capacities of our bodies because we condition ourselves to expect the same response from the exact same stimuli.

Ya know how some folks talk about having different kinds of orgasms — vaginal orgasms, G-spot orgasms, clitoral orgasms, prostate orgasms and the like? Well it’s not that one orgasm is physiologically different than another; it’s more an issue of how complex our bodies are. We are hot wired for pleasure in several places on our body. We can discover that stimulating different pleasure centers will achieve a similar response.

Men who don’t take the time to explore the capacities of their bodies basically lose out. It’s like having a $100,000 Ferrari automobile to drive. Then only driving it in first gear. We miss out on so much in our rush to cum. We conflate the two very different experiences — ejaculation and orgasm, leaving a vast territory of pleasure unacknowledged, let alone unexplored.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

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