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Why Aren’t Women Getting Enough Oral Sex?

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By Mysteryvibe

Think of all the sexual partners you’ve ever had…

How many of these partners received oral sex from you? Compare that figure to the amount of partners who reciprocated, and gave you oral sex in return. I already know the total doesn’t add up.

The oral sex gap is a thing, and it needs addressing.

What went wrong? When we were reading articles like ‘how to give your boyfriend the best blow job’ or ‘10 tips your boyfriend wish you knew about giving oral sex’, where were the articles saying ‘what every woman wishes you knew about oral sex’ or ‘how to make your girlfriend scream, using your tongue’.

Seldom do we see the same attention given to female pleasure than that of male pleasure, which is crazy when you think that 80% of women find it difficult – or even impossible – to orgasm through penetrative, penis in vagina sex.

A study of men and women (in heterosexual relationships) found that women are more than twice as likely to offer their partners oral sex than men. Why is that? Because we don’t like it? No, that can’t be right. Because it’s too hard? Nope – don’t think so. Because it takes longer? I mean, perhaps but so what?

For some reason, our culture has depicted that oral sex for women is way more intimate than that for men; therefore cunnilingus in casual relationships is often sparse.

Whereas lots of women are comfortable (and used to) performing oral sex with their male partner, receiving it feels like a gift only to be given by regular lovers.

I think it’s time we stop pretending this isn’t happening, stop accepting excuses and start getting the pleasure we deserve.

I’m sure there will be men out there reading this thinking ‘hey wait! I’m a good guy – I like to give’. Yes, I’m not denying there are many generous lovers out there; the problem is (figures show) that you’re part of a minority.

We shouldn’t have to congratulate every man that gives us oral sex; male focused oral is a given. Female focused oral shouldn’t be any different.

The sad reality is that for a lot of women, receiving oral sex is awkward, embarrassing and not enjoyable.

The good news is, we think that’s just because you haven’t learned to embrace it.

Here are a few common concerns we have when it comes to oral sex. I hope reading them will help you sit back, relax and finally enjoy the attention your vulva deserves.

1. You’re worried about how you look and taste

This is our most common concern. The lack of education and exploration surrounding female pleasure has resulted in women feeling ashamed of their vagina.

We’re taught to dislike the appearance of our vulva, and constantly question or feel embarrassed about our natural vaginal smells and tastes.

Whoever said penis tastes, looks or smells better than any vagina had obviously never pleasured a woman.

We all want to have a ‘nice’, ‘normal’ vagina. But what does that even mean?! What constitutes ‘nice’?

There is no ‘normal’ vulva. They come in all shapes, sizes, textures and colours. No two labia or clitoris are alike – some are long, some are thick, some are small, some are big.

As the wonderful Emily Nagoski once wrote:

“When you can see your body as it is, rather than what culture proclaims it to mean, then you experience how much easier it is to live with and love your genitals, along with the rest of your sexuality, precisely as they are.”

I promise you, there is nothing wrong with your vagina. We all smell and taste differently and that’s fine. Your natural scents are nothing to be ashamed of, and should never be the reason you decline oral sex.

If you need more convincing, this article from Cosmopolitan answers some of the questions we’ve all asked ourselves in the past.

2. You’re not used to having all the attention

We all get a bit embarrassed when we’re in the spotlight. Whether that’s opening birthday presents in front of a big crowd, or opening your legs for a slightly smaller crowd… the trick is to not overthink it.

Enjoy the moment and the pleasure your partner is giving you.

Try not to fixate on when you’re going to climax; firstly, that’ll defuse the likelihood of it actually happening, and it will distract you from actually enjoying the experience.

Orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of your sexual experience.

Obviously it’s an added bonus, but enjoy the sensation of your partners tongue around your clitoris, or their lips kissing your inner thigh. That’s just as pleasurable.

Understanding this, and embracing the little things, will help you reach a better, more intense orgasm.

If that doesn’t work, you could always try using your Crescendo at the same time. I guarantee you’ll feel amazing.

3. You’re not taking enough control

Taking control and talking to your partner about what you like isn’t rude.

I speak to so many women who feel bad about stopping their partner from doing something they don’t like. If you don’t like how vigorous he is, or how hard he nibbles, you need to tell him.

There’s nothing worse than bad sex. Oral isn’t about endurance – it’s about pleasure.

Never just ‘put up’ with something because he thinks it feels good. Communicate, and you’ll both become better lovers in the long run.

Don’t be afraid to thrust your hips, angle your vulva around their mouth or even hold their head (as long as they’re into that).

If anything, your partner will find your eagerness to pleasure yourself sexy.

4. You feel awkward giving feedback

Of course you don’t want your sexual partner thinking they did a bad job, and it can be tough voicing your desires, but giving feedback is really beneficial for both of you.

You can’t give yourself oral sex, so it can be difficult to describe how you like it.

You can’t give them a step-by-step guide, but you can give examples of when they did something that felt great.

For example, if you really liked the slow build up, or you enjoyed it when they licked harder or slower or faster, tell them.

You can use this as a way to praise your partner, whilst giving feedback at the same time.

Remember that there’s no need to be silent during sex, so why not try and do this while he’s still down there, that way you have a better chance of having a great time!

 

Guys: if you’re looking for some descriptive advice and techniques, I recommend you read “She Comes First”. I promise it will completely change the way you think about cunnilingus, and maybe even make you quite the connoisseur!

Complete Article HERE!

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Sex And Catholic Moral Theology

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For those of you who don’t already know, I’m contributing to the Fearless Press site.


I’m writing a series of articles on Catholic Moral Theology. Look for the series HERE!

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10 Things I Wish I Was Taught in Sex Ed

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By Mysteryvibe

Other than attempting to put a condom on a banana, sex education at school was pretty non-existent.

Being a teenager feels like the hardest thing in the world. You’re growing body parts where you never had body parts before and you’re feeling all warm and tingly down below whenever you look at your crush. You have an urge to touch yourself, but you don’t know why and for some reason, you feel embarrassed and ashamed for these things.

When you finally find out what ‘sex’ is, the only things you’re taught are:

  • If you’re a man, you put your penis inside a vagina and after a while something explodes
  • If you’re a woman, you’ll get pregnant

As we learn about sex, so much education and advice focuses on things like pregnancy, STIs, or what body part goes where and when.

This leads to a whole host of problems, from unsatisfying sex to inability to orgasm.

But sex isn’t about actions – it’s about sensation, and connection. It’s the exploration of sensuality, of love, lust, of things that make you feel good. It’s laughter, pleasure, play.

And it’s the most human thing we do.

You don’t need me to tell you that our sex education needs a serious overhaul, you already know that. But here are 10 things I wish we were taught about sex, sexuality and intimacy.

Hopefully anyone searching for similar enlightenment will read this and not feel so scared, or worried about their future sexual endeavours.

1. I wish I was taught what my clitoris was, and where I could find it

The female anatomy is somewhat an enigma when it comes to sex ed. We’re taught that a man’s penis becomes erect, and that means they’re ready for sex.

But what happens for women? We just lay back and think happy thoughts?

Unlike our male counterparts, we don’t have a natural signal to tell us when we’re feeling aroused, but that doesn’t change the fact we do feel these things.

I wish my sex education teacher taught me about the beauty and delicacy of my clitoris. I wish they told me how pleasurable sex and intimacy could be.

2. I wish I was taught the meaning of consent

It’s a sad reality that the majority of women reading this would have, at some point in their lives, felt sexual discomfort.

When we talk about consent, we mean informed, enthusiastic consent.

There is a huge lack of understanding about what consent means and how we should all practice enthusiastic consent. We’re taught that no means no, but what about if we change our mind halfway through, or we’re too embarrassed to say no?

I wish I were taught that it’s okay to say no. That my body is mine, and nobody has the right to touch it without my consent.

When we first start having sex, sometimes we feel pressured into doing things that we’d rather not. It’s important we’re taught to ignore societal ideologies like ‘you’re a prude if you don’t have sex’ or ‘you’re a tease if you don’t go all the way’.

That’s another point – it is absolutely your right to stop any sexual contact whenever you want.

Sex should never be something you endure.

3. I wish I was taught literally anything about LGBTQ+ sexuality

Even the existence of LGBTQ+ people at all.

Being a teenager is really hard. Being a teenager and feeling as though you’re different, or there’s something wrong, is even harder.

We need to give people context, and teach them that it’s not always boy meets girl.

It may be boy meets boy, girl meets girl. Or even better, X meet X.

4. I wish I was taught sex isn’t just penetrative

What about kissing, caressing, licking, nibbling, touching… usually, sex is defined as penis in vagina penetration, but there’s so much more than that.

Instead of talking about ‘sex’, let’s talk about ‘pleasure’. What makes us feel good? After all, that’s what sex is all about.

5. I wish I knew that pornography doesn’t represent real sex

I remember porn being so alien to me. Why don’t I look like that? Should I be making those noises? Should my sexual partner be doing that to my face?

There are so many misrepresentations of what makes sex ‘good’ in mainstream porn, which it gives us all an unrealistic idea of what we should enjoy.

It’s really important we teach people diversity and give them images of real people having real sex.

There are so many amazing, innovative, creative people out there making porn that doesn’t disrespect women or mistreat their actors. Porn that speaks about sex, passion, lust and pleasure, aimed to excite your mind and body simultaneously.

That’s the stuff we should be teaching in school.

6. I wish I was taught about safe sex, properly

There are so many different forms of contraception on the market, something I only learnt after years of sexual activity.

We were never taught that taking the pill may come with a list of side effects for women, or that you can catch an STI from performing oral sex without a condom.

For some reason, safe sex is often linked with unsexy sex. This needs to change. We should never be embarrassed, or feel ashamed for using or carrying condoms.

Even if you are using other contraception, but feel a little nervous and would rather use a condom for extra protection – do it!

There are so many great products in the market now, so if any man tells you it doesn’t feel as nice, or it’s desensitising, ignore and tell him to check out our friends HANX.

7. I wish I was taught that orgasm isn’t everything

Did you know that 80% of women find it almost impossible to orgasm through penetrative sex?

I remember the first person I ever had sex with being baffled by the fact I didn’t orgasm “but I always make a woman come!” well, not me.

We read so much about orgasms, that we fixate too much on reaching it. If we don’t climax, sex isn’t successful.

Let’s change that mentality. Pleasure encompasses more than just orgasm.

The ability to orgasm is all in your mind, so if you’re letting yourself worry about it, then it’s probably not going to happen.

Don’t let any sexual partner make you feel bad about your lack of orgasm. Every person is different.

8. I wish I knew fetishes are okay

Through sexual exploration, you may find out that you like being tied up, or spanked, or have a fascination with feet or role-play.

Our sex education should teach people that different sexual desires and tastes are normal, and encourage us to explore different sensations.

9. I wish I was taught our genitals are all normal

In our last blog we spoke about embracing your vulva, and enjoying oral sex.

Whether you’re male or female, try not to worry about the size and shape of your genitals because they are fine. Seriously, we’re all normal. No two penises or vulvae are the same.

I wish we were shown natural images of all different kinds of genitals so that we were able to love our bodies as they are, and not compare ourselves to the idealised images we see through mainstream porn.

10. I wish I was taught about safe sex toys

This is so critical. Naturally, we begin to experiment with masturbation from a young age.

That could mean using household objects to touch or insert. Objects that aren’t body-safe potentially covered in bacteria and harmful chemicals that shouldn’t be anywhere near our genitals.

This is very dangerous, and something that’s not discussed widely enough – educating children about safe sex toys and materials is absolutely essential.

Complete Article HERE!

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With midlife comes sexual wisdom

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Research shows women’s sexuality adapts with aging

by Madison Brunner

While women experience changes with the menopausal transition that can negatively affect their sex lives, they often adapt behaviorally and psychologically to these changes, according to a qualitative study by University of Pittsburgh researchers.

The results of the study, which included individual and focus group interviews, will be published online in the journal Menopause on November 1.

Midlife, which is defined as 40 to 60 years old, can bring physical, psychological, social and partner-related changes. Menopause-related vaginal dryness or pain, aging joints and reduced flexibility may lead to negative changes in sexual function for some women. Additional contributing factors such as career, financial and family stress, and concerns about changing body image, may add to decreased frequency of sex, a low libido and orgasm difficulties. However, not all changes are negative. The positive psychological changes aging brings—such as decreased family concerns, increased self-knowledge and self-confidence, and enhanced communication skills in the bedroom—may lead to improvements in sexual satisfaction with aging.

During the course of the study, the researchers interviewed a total of 39 women who were 45 to 60 years old and had been sexually active with a partner at least once in the prior 12 months. Participants chose to take part in either an individual interview or focus group.

“While prior longitudinal studies have documented negative changes in sexual function as women move through midlife, few have highlighted the positive changes,” said Holly Thomas, M.D., M.S., assistant professor of medicine, Pitt School of Medicine. “We found most study participants were prompted to try new adaptive behaviors to overcome negative challenges to maintain their overall sexual satisfaction.”

Such adaptations included using lubricants, different sexual activities/positions and changing priorities, with greater focus on emotional satisfaction. Women also discussed changing their priorities around sex; as they aged, they de-emphasized physical sexual satisfaction and placed more importance on emotional .

“It is important for to recognize that each woman’s experience of during menopause is unique and nuanced, and they should tailor their care accordingly. Midlife can learn strategies, such as adapting sexual behavior and enhancing communication of sexual needs, to help ensure and maintain satisfying as they age,” explained Thomas.

Complete Article HERE!

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The Shaming of Sexuality: America’s Real Sex Scandal

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In early September, the Twitter account of Texas Senator and former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz “liked” a post containing explicit pornographic video content. Once noticed by other Twitter users, the news shot around social media; many were both shocked and amused by the public slip-up by the typically straight-laced Senator. For his part, Cruz blamed the error on a staffer, denying that he was the one who had liked the post.

Whether you believe this explanation or not, the idea of Cruz publicly revealing a pornography habit and preference is simultaneously absurd and infuriating. Both of these reactions are a result of Cruz’s staunchly conservative views on sex and sexuality. In 2007 as Texas solicitor general, he defended a law banning the sale of sex toys in the state, arguing that no right existed “to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.” Though he did not personally fight to preserve Texas’ anti-sodomy laws in 2003’s Lawrence v. Texas, his negative attitudes towards LGBTQ+ causes are well-established: He called the Supreme Court’s 2015 ruling in favor of marriage equality “fundamentally illegitimate” and supported North Carolina’s “bathroom bill,” referring to transgender women as “men” in the process. When pressed in an interview with CNN’s Dana Bash on the Texas sex toy law, Cruz backtracked on his previous position, calling the sex toy law “idiotic” and “a stupid law” before adding, “consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want in their bedrooms.” If Cruz truly feels that way, then his past attempts at legislation appear either opportunistic or self-contradicting.

Cruz is far from alone among politicians who have contributed to legislation and rhetoric against private consensual sexual practices. As stated above, it took until 2003 for the Supreme Court to strike down anti-sodomy laws, and, as of 2014, a dozen states still technically had those laws on their books. (In fact, several states have actually been stricter against sodomy than bestiality – including Texas, which has had an anti-sodomy law on the books since 1974 but only made bestiality a crime in 2017.) The sale of sex toys is currently punishable in Alabama by a fine of up to $10,000 and a full year in jail, and last year a US appeals court upheld a similar law in Georgia. Also last year, Utah Governor Gary Herbert declared pornography and pornography addiction a “public health crisis” via a signed resolution, continuing a long trend of political attempts to push back against pornography.

What is most interesting about these types of consensual sex-related laws and attitudes in the United States is that support for them seems to be in direct conflict with the amount of people who participate in said sex acts. Utah residents, for example, actually buy more internet porn per person than those of any other state according to a 2009 study (though it’s a solidly red and majority Mormon state). Only 29 percent of Americans consider watching porn “morally acceptable,” and only 39 percent would “oppose legal restrictions on pornography.” However, between 75 and 80 percent of Americans age 18 to 30 report watching porn at least once a month, and a 2015 Marie Clare study of people 18 and older found that 92 percent of respondents watch porn at least a few times a year, and 41 percent at least every week. Statistically, then, a good number of those who find porn “morally unacceptable” and wouldn’t necessarily fight against anti-porn laws watch porn themselves. In the same vein, there are a number of famous cases of politicians and activists with anti-LGBTQ+ standpoints later being revealed as LGBTQ+ themselves.

So why the hypocrisy? Why do a considerable number of Americans support legislation and rhetoric against sex acts they themselves enjoy? The answer lies squarely on the shoulders of the country’s odd relationship with sex and the public discussion of it. In the US, hyper-sexualization is not simply tolerated but rampant. Everything from M&M’s to sparkling water seems to ascribe to the idea that “sex sells,” their sexed-up ads running on television in plain sight. But once a certain fairly arbitrary line is crossed, the conversation is seen as “too explicit” and gets tucked away in the corner. This creates an environment where pornography, masturbation, sex toy use, and homosexuality are seen as shameful, leading to the statistical discrepancies laid out above. Indeed, in that same Marie Claire poll, 41 percent of respondents said they “don’t want anyone to know about” their porn watching and another 20 percent feel “embarrassed” and “ashamed afterward.”

The don’t-ask-don’t-tell culture around sex in the United States makes it is quite possible that support for sex-based legislation comes more from perceived societal pressure than from personal concern about the issues at hand. In other words, there are potentially more people who support restricting pornography or the sale of sex toys simply because they feel that others expect them to, even if they personally use pornography or sex toys, than there are people who don’t participate and find said actions immoral enough to be worthy of legislative restriction.

American public and social discourse about sex is an unruly, multi-faceted mess, and not one that can be untangled in a day. But if attitudes around sex were to thaw, and people were free to talk more openly about their habits, the stigma and taboos surrounding certain aspects of sexuality – many of which are overwhelmingly common and actually healthy – could be eliminated. This change could come from the top down, with politicians and medical professionals emphasizing the need for healthy sex discourse, or, more likely, from an effort by the populace (which may already be underway) to tear away the curtains. New sex education programs – which are far easier to talk about than actually implement – could put more emphasis on the healthy aspects of sex and sexuality. Celebrities could also speak out, using their platforms to acknowledge the realities of human sexuality. If all this were to happen, eventually laws could be pulled back, and politicians could potentially stop feeling pressure to espouse hypocritical views on sexuality. Maybe then Ted Cruz could truly act on his belief that “consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want in their bedrooms.”

Complete Article HERE!

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