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SEX WISDOM With Darrel Ray — Podcast #345 — 09/05/12

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Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Well we’re all back, safe and sound, from our late summer vacation. Although I must say, I think I could, given half a chance, easily get used to all that leisure. But there’s no rest for the wicked, don’t cha know, which is pretty ok with me because I like being wicked at lest as much as I enjoy the leisure. Besides, I have another very interesting SEX WISDOM show for you today.

I welcome the celebrated author of The God Virus and Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality. My guest is Dr. Darrel Ray. He is a psychologist and has been for 35 years. Curiously enough, he once planned on becoming a minister, but then that plan changed rather dramatically and he’s here to tell us how and why. You won’t want to miss this discussion.

Darrel and I discuss:

  • The similarities between his life voyage and mine;
  • Spirituality and the supernatural;
  • The rift between religion and sex;
  • The unstated goal of religion;
  • The toxic trio of key religious beliefs;
  • Moving from ministerial student to atheist;
  • Why religion needs information control;
  • Pioneering sexologist, Albert Ellis;
  • Atheistic humanism;
  • Sexual maps.

Darrel invite you to visit his site HERE! You can also find him on Facebook HERE! And he’s on Twitter HERE!

 

(Click on the book art below to learn more about Darrel’s books.)

   

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Meat Substitute

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Hey sex fans!

We have another swell Product Review Friday comin’ your way. Today’s product comes to us directly from the manufacturer, Blush Novelties.

This marks the return of this innovative company to our review effort. Today’s product is the first we’ve seen from Blush Novelties since 2010 and it’s also the first of three new products we will be reviewing in the weeks to come. So be sure to stay tuned.

See our earlier Blush Novelties reviews HERE!

Dr Dick Review Crew member, Christa, is here to tell us all about her new toy.

Mimi Pink —— $17.20

Christa

Just last month I posted a review of a fab new strap on by SpareParts. You can see that review HERE!

But what good is a harness if you don’t have a dong to use with it, right? Luckily, when I picked up the Joque to review, Dr Dick had this wonderful dildo from Blush Novelties to use with it. WIN/WIN!

So here’s my Mimi. Isn’t she terrific? She’s pink, but she also comes in two other colors. She is made from 100% high quality silicone, which as you probably know, is nonporous, phthalate-free, hypoallergenic and latex-free. She’s not so big as to be frightening, just about 6.5” long x 1.25” thick, but, by god, she’ll get the job done. Just ask my sub butt-boy BF, Alex.

You’ll also notice that my Mimi is ribbed for his/her pleasure. Alex says that the sculptured waves and ridges make love to his ass lips. And he says that Mimi’s gentle curve is perfect for that prostate massage he craves. My pervert BF, Alex, is a connoisseur of all things anal. But the same can be said for G-spot stimulation. And I know this because when I’m not using this thing on Alex, I’m diddlin’ myself with it. So as you can see, it’s great to use with or without a strap on. You will find that the base makes it easy to grip if you aren’t using it with a harness.

Because we like to share our toys, it’s important that the toys we share be easily sanitized. This is where buying a quality silicone toy makes perfect sense. Cleanup, sanitization and sterilization couldn’t be easier. Simple soap and water is fine for everyday cleaning. Wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution to sanitize; or sterilize in boiling water or the dishwasher. PERFECT!

You probably know this already, but it bears repeating; use only a water-based lube with this fine dong. A silicone-based lube will degrade the beautiful satin finish of sweet Mimi. And because of its beautiful finish, you’ll find that you won’t need gobs and gobs of lube either.
Full Review HERE!

Enjoy

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You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’…

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Name: James
Gender: Male
Age: 45
Location: Canada
During my teenage years I had a few girlfriends and enjoyed having sex with them. There were never any problems. However at around age 20 while still in College I began to experience sexual dysfunction with my partners after the second or third time we would have intercourse. The symptoms were, I’d be horny, have a good erection but a few minutes into intercourse my penis would start to feel numb and I either would not be able to have an orgasm or I would lose my erection. I would also start to feel sexually repulsed by my partner. This pattern continued for the next 15 years as a single man. I thought I was simply easily sexually bored and dealt with the problem by breaking off the relationship as soon as the sexual dysfunction would start and move on to someone new. One night stands and new partners were never a problem. It just happened after we would have a few dates. It also happened when I met my future wife. It didn’t seem to bother her that much although she thought it might be a good idea to make an appointment to see the Doctor about it. After we were married we basically stopped having sex (we weren’t having much to begin with) because it just proved too stressful, humiliating and it had no payoff for me. I started seeing therapists and for the next 8 years I went through 7 different therapists including marital counselors, sex therapists and psychiatrists. Now I have been married almost 15 years and the marriage has been sexless. My wife doesn’t like it but has made her peace with it. I can masturbate with no problems at all and have been told by doctors there is nothing physically wrong with me. But none of the therapists were able to pinpoint what was causing my sexual problem. I have had a few sexual encounters outside my marriage over the years and the sex was great, no problems at all. Mind you none of these “affairs” lasted very long, a half dozen sexual encounters at most. Any ideas what might be causing this inability to ejaculate and inability to keep an erection plus the feeling of sexual revulsion with a partner after two or three sexual encounters?

YIKES, James, you just recounted 25 years of deep seeded psychological problems and you expect me to make an insightful comment in the precious little time I can afford any one of my correspondent. That’s a pretty tall order; don’t you think?

Ok, for all it’s worth, here goes. My guess is that you don’t have a sexual dysfunction at all. But you do have a huge rift between your sexual life and your intimate life. And this expresses itself in the ways you outlined above.

Many people who have difficulty with intimacy can still perform sexually pretty much like everyone else. Obviously the performance thing is not dependent on the intimacy thing. In these cases, sex is rarely more than a mechanical bodily function — get it up, get it on, get it off, the end. The hard part comes when these people try to ground these mechanics in a healthy emotional context.

The fact that you can’t bone the same person more then a couple of times without revulsion, and that you can only tolerate your long-suffering wife if your marriage remains sexless; tells me you need to investigate why you can’t connect sexual expression with intimacy. You exhibit all the classic signs of a sexual dysfunction, but they’re only symptomatic of a much more profound disability. And you’ll never get to the bottom of dysfunctions until you get to the root of your intimacy issue.

When I see a person, like you, in my therapy practice, I try to help my client overcome his/her rift by encouraging him/her to gradually increase the amount of intimacy he is comfortable with every sexual encounter. It’s a simple behavior modification technique. It often is very successful, but most of my clients are highly motivated to heal the fracture in their life. Also, they don’t have a 25-year history of this to overcome.

You on the other hand, don’t seem to be particularly motivated. I can see that you’re curious about your sexual problems, but you’re not making that all important connection between your bodily functions and your emotion capacity. There’s a blockage there that is so ingrained it would be very difficult to undo. It could happen, but you’d have to be very passionate about making it happen and then stick with the therapeutic intervention till there was a breakthrough. This no doubt would involve reversing a lifetime of selfishness and egotism. And I see no evidence that you have that kind of moxy.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

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Take Me To Paradise

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Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday! And today’s edition comes with a distinct international flair. We are proud to welcome a new company to our review effort, Rianne S. This remarkable company and their beautiful products come to us all the way from Belgium.

The Rianne S website claims “(Our) products combine sexuality, style and intelligence, which above all deliver the desirable results. The products are simple to use and easy to incorporate into sexual play and also beautiful and fashionably classic.” Well, we’ll just see about that.

Dr Dick Review Crew members, Denise and Ken are here to see if today’s product lives up to the hype.

Matryoshka —— $119.95

Ken & Denise
Denise: “I’m in heaven! I’m floating on a cloud of pleasure. Ken and I are enjoying the afterglow of some amazing lovemaking. But I knew this was going to happen even before it began. Thank you Matryoshka!”
Ken: “I took more of a wait-and-see attitude. But I was at a strict disadvantage, because Denise had some private time with the Matryoshka before we all had an opportunity to play together.”
Denise: “Yes, that’s where the story starts. Today’s sexual bliss for us actually began a couple of weeks ago. I stopped by Dr Dick’s to pick up our new product to review.”
Ken: “When Denise told me about the Matryoshka I realized I had heard that word before. It took me a moment, but I soon remembered; a matryoshka is a Russian nesting doll. This, of course made sense once I saw the vibe out of its package. It’s small and discreet and is shaped like…yuo guested it… one of those dolls.”
Denise: “I guess I’d say that the Matryoshka is primarily a clitoral vibrator. But it’s rounded head can be used anywhere on your body for area-specific stimulation. It’s perfect for nipples, labia, inner thighs, perineum and anus. While it can be inserted, it’s diminutive size doesn’t allow for any real depth of insertion. It’s only 3.25″ high with about 1.5″ insertable length. The broad base makes it easy to grip during use.”
Ken: “The Matryoshka is perfect for couple’s play, but I think I’m getting ahead of the story.’”
Denise: “Yeah, let’s tell them about what it’s made of and how it operates first.”
Ken: “The Matryoshka is covered in 100% high quality silicone, which is nonporous, phthalate-free, hypoallergenic and latex-free. It is exceptionally soft and smooth. There is no texture to it. It is velvety to the touch. The letters “RS” are raised on the body near the control buttons. And because it is silicone, be sure to use only a water-based lube with it. A silicone-based lube would mar the beautiful finish.”
Denise: “Two raised buttons just below the neck of the Matryoshka operate the vibe. The buttons are easy to press, but not so easily that you’ll press them accidentally while you’re using it. Either button will turn it on. To turn it off, press either button for three seconds. To lock, press both buttons down for five seconds. To unlock, do the same. You can cycle through the power settings, by pressing the double circle button. To cycle through the vibration patterns, press the other button.”
Ken: “There are five speeds (intensities) and five vibration patterns (if you count the constant vibration as a pattern). The vibrations are focused in the tip of the Matryoshka and you can feel them throughout the head of the toy. There is virtually no vibration in base, thus your hand won’t numb or vibrate as you hold it. And the Matryoshka is super quiet.”
Denise: “The Matryoshka is waterproof. Since the charger works magnetically there’s no charger port for water or lube to get inside the toy. This gets me to my first date with the Matryoshka. We were alone, in the bath. I saw stars!
Ken: “The Matryoshka recharges its lithium ion battery by sitting on its recharger dock, which doubles as a discreet storage compartment. This is mighty cool stuff. Oh, it also comes with a drawstring bag storage bag, which makes it perfect for traveling.”
Denise: “A word about the beautiful packaging. The Matryoshka comes in an understated purple box. Inside the box you’ll find the charging/storage cylinder, the users manual, warranty, charger, pouch, and adapters for the US, Europe, Australia, and UK. There’s also a beautiful booklet with information on Rianne S. All the packaging is recyclable. Kudos!”
Ken: “So Denise love the Matryoshka in the bath and she loved it for her self-pleasuring, but the real test for us would be in partnered play. And here too the Matryoshka excelled. It’s powerful enough to deliver real pleasure, but small enough as to not get in the way when we fuck.”
Complete Article HERE!
ENJOY

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BINGO!

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Name: Wondering
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Location: US
Hello, I just discovered your loverly website just now and thought I would ask you a question that has been on my mind for a while. I seem to have a problem orgasming without stimulating my clitoris. I suppose that doesn’t really sound like a problem but it’s really starting to annoy me. I would like to be able to still enjoy an orgasm without having to stimulate my clit every time! I love having sex and it feels super duper good but why can’t I climax that way? I mean I am aware of where my G-spot is and my boyfriend said he’ll be focusing more on hitting it “spot” on. There’s also another thing I have noticed, sometimes my boyfriend will hit my cervix and it hurts a bit, but is this even normal? Should he even be able to hit it? Or is there something abnormal going on here?

Let’s see, when you say you “love having sex and it feels super duper good but why can’t I climax that way?” Are you referring to full-on cock in cooter fucking when you say, “having sex”? The reason I ask is that not everyone means the same thing when they use that trite euphemism.

Since you’re not here to fill in the blanks, so to speak. I’ll assume you want to know why you can’t or haven’t yet had a vaginal orgasm. Before I answer, I just want to say that I hope you are not setting up an orgasmic dichotomy where there doesn’t need to be one. That would truly be unwise.

Ok, now my answer. I can’t really say why your not climaxing while you’re fucking. Other than an exclusively vaginal centered orgasm is a myth. The vast majority of women don’t have vaginal orgasms. In fact the degree of insensitivity inside a woman’s vagina is so high that Kinsey wrote in his seminal work, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female published back in 1953: “Among the women who were tested in our gynecologic sample, less than 14% were at all conscious that they had been touched.” That’s pretty remarkable, wouldn’t you say?

The vaginal orgasm myth is perpetuated, in part, by many a woman’s confusion and/or lack of knowledge about their own anatomy. Some women believe that an orgasm felt during fucking is centered in their cooch. This suggests to me that they aren’t being precise in locating the center of that orgasm. Other women believe in the vaginal orgasm myth because they think they need to conform to a male oriented notion of female sexuality — insertion…fucking = cuming. And that’s wrong, don’t cha know. Just ask all the preorgasmic women out there.

But ya know what? I don’t own a pussy my own self. All I can tell you is what I have learned from those people who actually have a honeypot. The people I’m referring to, we’ll call them females, tell me vaginal orgasms, mythological or not, may simply be dependent on a tone of a woman’s pelvic musculature. As amazing as pussies are, and they are amazing, if the muscles that surround them are not taught and toned enough, a fucking generated orgasm may elude the owner of said pussy.

Some women haven’t developed their PC muscle enough to cum through fucking alone. Are you doing your kegels, Wondering? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I suggest that you have some serious remedial research to do. You could start by reading around my site and listen to podcasts that feature information on our pubococcygeus muscle and kegel exercises. Check out the CATEGORIES pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you see the main category — Sex Therapy.  Under that you will discover the subcategory — Kegels and PC muscle.

The elusive vaginal orgasm may also have to do with your partner’s cock, particularly the girth of his unit and opposed to its length. My women friends tell me that a thicker cock may have more of a chance triggering a vaginal orgasm then a pencil dick. No surprise there, I suppose. Position will also play a role. Why not give a bunch of different positions a try and see if they make a difference? You on top cowgirl style, or doggie style might work best. But it’s your coozie, my dear, and you ought to know it best.

As to your G-spot question. That’s another thing all together. I am so glad that you are familiar with your anatomy enough to have found your own personal G-spot. And it’s great to hear that you have an accommodating partner who is working on stimulating this sensitive area. Good for you both! However, while I wholeheartedly endorse and encourage your further investigations and sex play, I do have one caution. I share the concern of my women friends. We want you to avoid all the G-spot hype floating around in the popular culture these days. Most women have a good time with their G-spot exploration. They report that it is not particularly difficult to find, but it’s also much harder to pleasure. If a woman, you perhaps, gets it in your head that something amazing is supposed to happen with a G-spot stimulation, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. In the same way some women, you perhaps, set themselves up for disappointment if they buy into the myth of an exclusively vaginal generated orgasm.

I encourage you to see your genitals as a whole, not a bunch of separate parts that somehow work independently of one another. If your pussy is happy and your pussy is making you happy, is it really all that important how the happiness comes to be?

In comparison us men folk are not all that fussy. What gets us off; gets us off. I never hear from a guy who is disappointed because he’s having an exclusively prostate generated orgasm. They do happen to some men, but most of us aren’t the least bit concerned when they don’t happen to us. I also never hear from a guy who thinks he should be orgasmic through manipulation of his balls alone. That can happen too, but we’re not holding our breath for that.

What I do hear from guys is that we often need a particular kind of dick-oriented stimulation to get us off. And this is where the men folk and the women folk are much alike. You, like us, probably need a particular kind of stimulation to get you off. Be it vaginal, clitoral, G-spot, or whatever. If you acknowledge your genitals as a composite of parts that work together to bring you joy, then you’ll be less likely to be swayed by the claims, hype and misinformation about female sexual response.

Finally, regarding the issue of your boyfriend hitting your cervix. Yeah, that’ll hurt, don’t ‘cha know. I’d be willing to guess that he’s in the wrong position and being too athletic in his pumping when that happens. If he’s bumping your cervix, but you like the depth and athleticism of his manly thrusts, simply change position. That should remedy the problem.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

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