by Raffaello Manacorda
That Awkward Moment When…
If you’re a man, you’ve probably experienced this. Everything is perfect, the foreplay is going great, and the stage is set for a throbbing, mind-blowing, heart-shattering lovemaking. Your erection is strong and powerful, and feeling it turns you on even more.
And then, that moment comes. Your lover looks at you sweetly but squarely in the eyes, and with a soft but firm voice says, “We need to use a condom.”
This makes perfect sense. The risk of STIs and/or pregnancy is real. So you’ve got to wear that condom.
But our genitals don’t understand logic. And, sometimes, it only takes a few seconds of this pause for your penis to soften. Her being sweet and comprehensive only makes things worse: something inside you tells you that you won’t be able to do it if you wear a condom.
I’ve gone through the same process. I used to consistently lose my erection whenever a woman asked me to wear a condom. It wasn’t pretty. I hate to admit it, but a couple of times I even lied to a partner, telling her that there were no condoms in the house, while I actually had plenty. I just was too scared of sexual failure. Boy, am I grateful that no one got an STI or got pregnant because of that dirty little lie of mine.
So why on Earth does this happen? Why do we men lose our erection because of condoms?
The Real Reason Condoms Turn Men Off…
You might try to fool yourself and others with explanations such as:
- That you don’t feel enough pleasure with a condom.
- That a condom squeezes your penis too much.
- That the pause “takes the romance away”…
But deep in your heart, you know that those are not the real reasons.
As for sensitivity and comfort, you know well that your penis is not all that sensitive. In fact, the harder it is, the less sensitive it is. And as for the non-romanticism of the 2-minutes pause, you have fantasized or have been in way less romantic situations, where your erection stood strong and implacable.
So WHAT is the real reason why you lose your erection? And what can you do about it?
To answer this question, the first thing you need to understand is that your main sexual organ sits in between your ears or, if you prefer, inside your chest. It is your head and your heart that turn you on (or off).
So, the reason why we men lose our erection when a woman asks us to wear a condom is that some deeply uncomfortable thought and/or emotion arises in us in response to that request. And what might that thought or feeling be?
Although every man is different, that uncomfortable thought is virtually always a variation on the same theme: she asking you to wear a condom carries the message that she does not accept you inside her body. And this can be truly devastating for a man.
Some Truths About Male Sexuality
Men love to feel invited, welcomed, by a trusting lover that opens up to their force and thrust. When the body of a woman is welcoming, wet, inviting, this is a huge turn-on for a man. When the body and soul of a woman tense, close up, tighten – this is a turn-off.
Men deeply crave to feel accepted, welcomed, and trusted.
The request to wear a condom challenges that. It can seem to convey the following messages:
- If you don’t wear it, I won’t let you inside me (you’re unwelcome)
- I don’t trust you to be healthy, or to control your ejaculation (you’re not trusted)
This is the subterranean thought that runs into most men’s mind, and makes them lose their erection.
Understanding it is the first step towards liberating your sexuality from this blockage.
As a man, you need to realize that, even if you wear a condom, you are welcome and accepted. That she wants you just as badly. In fact, she wants you so badly that she wants to be fully trusting and surrendered. And in order for that to happen, she needs to feel safe. This conviction will take some time to build, but once it’s there, it will never leave you. Condoms won’t be an issue anymore.
In order to get there, the best thing to do is start practicing, both by yourself and with a partner.
Practicing By Yourself
Get familiar and friendly with condoms. Buy a pack of condoms and start experimenting. Wear a condom and play with yourself.
Now, I know that the condom instructions say that you should wear it only when you are fully erect. The reason they say this is that if your penis is not fully erect, then a condom can potentially slip away, which is not cool. But for now, you can forget about this. You are alone, and you can wear a condom even if your penis is completely flaccid. In fact, you should practice this skill. Wear a condom on your soft penis, and then stimulate your penis so that it becomes hard.
Familiarize yourself with the condom, and lose your aversion to it. This will be really useful once you practice with a partner.
Practicing With a Partner
This is potentially going to be scary, so you’ll need to set a firm intention: you won’t back off. You will wear a condom no matter what, whether you end up having intercourse or not.
Next time you have the opportunity, do not wait for your partner to propose using a condom. Once you have enjoyed your foreplay long enough, go ahead and say the magic phrase: “I’ll put on a condom now, just in case.”
That means that, whether you are going to penetrate your partner or not, you can wear a condom anyway and then continue with whatever you were doing. At some point you may even forget that you have a condom on.
Your partner also has a role in this. You can ask her to support you in a very simple way: by doing with your penis exactly what she would do with it if there were no condoms. Touching it, sucking it, teasing it—just as if that condom did not exist.
And now, if the moment is ripe for both of you, still wearing your condom, penetrate her. Don’t worry if your erection isn’t that strong. In that case, just make sure to hold the bottom of your condom with your fingers to make sure it doesn’t slip away. But do get yourself to the point where you can penetrate her while still wearing a condom.
This moment is a threshold, and after that, the rest will be much easier. The more you feel that things are going well, the more natural it will become to continue making love with a condom. You will notice that it isn’t all that different from not using it, and that wearing a condom will give both of you more confidence and a feeling of safety. Since you are practicing here, refrain from ejaculating inside your partner, even if you are wearing a condom. The purpose now is to gain confidence with condoms—not necessarily to have the hottest lovemaking of your life.
Every man on this planet should be able to make love with a condom, if necessary. We owe it to ourselves, and we owe it to our partners, men or women. Asking a partner not to use condoms just to protect our sexual pride is not an option. If two lovers decide to not use condoms, let that be a conscious decision, rather than a slippery workaround of a sexual blockage.
Complete Article HERE!
By Basil Soper
Since the population is mostly comprised of cisgender individuals it’s totally okay if you haven’t had sex with a trans person. Overall, sex with trans folks isn’t that different than sex with cis folks. However, if you’re new to sex with trans bodies and you think you may need some pointers, that’s reasonable! I am a trans man so I can only talk about what I expect from sex from my perspective. Here is a list of helpful, sexy, actions for your first time with a trans man!
Communicating before sex, like over dinner, via text, or somewhere that makes you comfortable is helpful. Find out what language he uses for his genitala. I call mine the “downstairs.” Ask him about what areas are turn ons and what areas are off-limits. I know, I know.. somewhere along the line we’ve been taught that sex is only hot if it all happens in the moment. Consent is important though, and this conversation can also be used for you to state your boundaries before hand as well. If you use a safe word, this dialogue would also be the time to bring that up. Sex is much more fun and feels great when everyone is respected.
As for any person really, don’t assume he will necessarily oppose bottoming. Masculinity has nothing to with who’s penetrating and who’s receiving. Some trans guys do have a problem with being penetrated which is completely valid and should be appreciated. If this is the case with your guy, make sure you talk things through to find his sexual comfort zone. I’m a switch, which means I play both roles. Switches aren’t ‘confused’ or somehow not doing transition ‘properly.’ It just means we know what we like.
Testosterone takes the downstairs a trans guys is born with (or the body part formally known as clitoris), making it larger into a small dick, and often a lot more sensitive, though sensation may be patchy for some guys. Be mindful of this when pleasuring your dude. Just ask him to communicate the changes as they happen. Strapping on can also be a time of dysphoria for some. Strap-ons can also be an affirming, fun, way to access pleasure for others. I really enjoy wearing a strap-on when my partner puts a condom on for me. The great thing about sleeping with a trans dude who tops with a dick on is y’all can use a dick size perfect for, and chosen by, the bottom.
Testosterone can, in many cases, dry things up a little. Testosterone or not, trans or not, lube is splendid for any sexual occasion. If you’re using silicone pieces, or your partner has a silicone ‘packer,’ avoid silicone-based lubricants, and if you’re using condoms, don’t use oil-based lube. Water based and or organic lube is always a good bet.
If your lover hasn’t had top surgery, he may want to wear a shirt or his binder during sexual encounters. He may be okay with certain things some days and startled by the same action the next day. Dysphoria can be tricky! It comes and goes. Please realize that the way he feels about his own body, in the moment, does not have anything to do with you. If dysphoria strikes, just try to move on and stay in the moment.
It’s true, some additional communication in a sexual endeavor with a trans guy may be needed, however, that doesn’t mean you should be too cautious or have a lot of fear of offending at any point. Sex for the first time can be awkward regardless of the body types involved! Just have fun with the person you are attracted to.
Use a condom. Bear in mind that it may still be possible for a trans man to get pregnant.Whatever your gender or body type, STIs can still be contracted. Keep all dicks sanitized (the ones you buy at Babeland or the ones attached to bodies). If you’re with a new partner, or have an open relationship, get tested regularly. Sex is sexiest when everyone is at ease and on the same page!
Complete Article HERE!
Want to have better sex? Speak up!
The more I talk to people about sex, the more I see that so many of them struggle with the very same things. High up on this list is sexual communication. Whether it’s navigating consent, ensuring that they get what they need, or being a better partner, an awful lot of couples come up short because their approach falls somewhere between mind reading and charades. I’d like to offer a better way. My suggestion? Dirty talk.
Dirty talk is hardly groundbreaking stuff, but according to a 2011 poll by Adam & Eve, nearly one-third of people never talk dirty, while another 33 percent only do so sometimes. So I’m going to come right out and say it: If you and your partner aren’t talking dirty, you could be missing out. Here are some key reasons why you should let the filth fly – and how you shy types can get the conversation started.
Why Try Aural Sex?
It’s the most fun way to tackle a serious topic
If there’s anything that scores points in the sack it’s enthusiasm, but enthusiastic consent is a stumbling block for many people who feel that it ruins the moment. In reality, dirty talk is a great way to say you’re in while still building arousal.
You know what’s hotter than a partner touching you in a new way? A partner telling you how much they want to touch you in that way, giving you the chance to say oh hell yes. Suddenly, sexual consent stops being a stumbling block on the way to the good stuff and becomes a stepping stone to making the stuff we do good. This is especially true when you’re with a new partner or you’re trying something new with an old partner. (Want some ideas on how to spice things up? Check out 9 Sex Moves to Rock a Woman’s World.)
It can make good sex even better
Speaking of making the stuff we do good, the best thing about dirty talk is that it gets people talking about sex, which is always a good thing. According to a 2012 study by researcher Elizabeth Babin at Cleveland Ohio University, chatty lovers tend to have greater sexual satisfaction because they communicate what they want.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader; building communication into lovemaking can heat things up – and improve the chances that you’ll get what you want.
How to Get Dirty
Breaking out of your sexual mime box
For some people, talking dirty can feel like diving into performative, porn-star sex. That can be a huge leap for more, shall we say … demure lovers. The first step to making it all more manageable is to keep it simple and keep it real. Forget about parroting all the dirty-talk stereotypes you may have heard; not all penises are “so big” not all vaginas are “so tight” and sometimes, announcing that your partner has been “very, very bad” just comes off weird.
The answer? Just stick with what’s actually happening with the person you are actually with. Does it feel good when they touch you? Awesome, share that news. Do they have a great ass? They’d probably enjoy hearing about that. Are you excited to have sex with them? Tell them all about it. Perhaps the best piece of dirty talk advice comes from famed porn start Nina Hartley, who said, “Don’t tell them what they want to hear, tell them what they need to know”.
Talking dirty to a ninja
Sometimes what impedes dirty talk is an imbalance between partners. Maybe you’re rarin’ to go and your partner is totally silent. In this, scenario whispering “talk dirty to me” often yields results that are awkward – for both of you. It can be hard to find that softer side of the strong, silent ninja type, so help a ninja out! Keep it real. Go with questions. “What do you want?” is especially successful in this scenario, or something more structured to get them comfortable verbalizing. I love the exercise described by Chris Gore in this Sex Nerd Sandra podcast. Whatever you do, just make sure you give your partner some guidance with it and understand that, as with any sexual activity, dirty talk isn’t for everyone, and that’s something you’ll have to negotiate.
If it works for you, dirty talk can be a sexual game-changer. So don’t be shy: Get out there and get dirty!
To learn more, check out “The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty.”
Complete Article HERE!
Personal fetishes and turn-ons can run the gamut from rose pedals on the floor to whips and chains. For some people, the best way to get turned on is to be told off. There are plenty of people who love being humiliated both privately and publicly. So what turns a nightmare for most into the start of an amazing evening or all round more exciting sex life for others?
Why It’s Hot to Be Humiliated
Humiliation is a strong emotion – one which has been shown to stimulate the same regions of the brain associated with pain. As a result, many people think the desire for emotional pain as a part of sex is similar to the drive people have for spanking, whipping and other forms of physical masochism.
Like many fetishes, experts think the roots of sexual humiliation lies in our past. It’s believed that sexual humiliation is often tied up in our own perceptions and feelings about sex. Someone who is scolded as a child for playing with themselves, for example, could easily grow up with a fetish for being told they’re a “bad boy (or girl)” while masturbating.
Humiliation is often associated with verbal abuse or public sex acts but it can include a wide variety of acts. Erotic or sexual humiliation includes:
- Engaging in public sex acts where being caught could result in trouble (i.e. sex in stores)
- Embarrassing assignments which are recorded and posted online
- Public whipping or other physical punishment
- Financial slavery (Submissives pay money directly to their Dominant or they give that person access to their bank account)
- Having a submissive undress or perform sex acts in front of others
The difference with humiliation is that it can be indulged in – and enjoyed – even when partners are separated. This is illustrated by the increased popularity of online humiliation. In some cases, Dominants and Mistresses will offer online humiliation services to their clientele while others indulge in the activity with their online partners even if they don’t engage in other forms of BDSM.
The Future of Humiliation
Online humiliation can include simply verbally abusing a partner but it can also be about exposing the person, with their consent of course, to the entire world. This includes online public postings of cuckolded men, giving humiliating assignments which are meant to be recorded and posted online and even having people publicly bid on or purchase items that reveal their fetish.
Other forms of online humiliation include:
- Allowing a Dominant access to a submissive’s social media accounts
- Having a submissive maintain a public blog or vlog detailing their sex life and masturbatory habits
- Controlling a submissive’s computer through remote hosting software
In fact, fans of humiliation think the Internet may provide the best venue in which to indulge their chosen fetish. After all, the Internet provides the most public of venues, offering people the chance to expose themselves to literally the entire world. The things people post online – videos, photographs, etc – are also online forever. Even if the original poster takes them down, the media can easily be copied and uploaded again by anyone. For fans of erotic humiliation this means their exposure could happen at any time – days, months or even years down the road.
Figuring out why things turn certain people on can be tricky. After all, we’re all the product of our own genetics and environment so specific underlying factors can be hard to pinpoint. Humiliation is almost always seen as something to be avoided at all costs but, for some, it’s the biggest turn-on of all.
Laura Halliday runs School Of Squirt where she helps couples integrate squirting as part of a healthy sex life.”