My new boyfriend is really frustrated and doesn’t want to have sex anymore because he can’t come. He says he’s had this problem for a while and hasn’t come with any girl for over a year. I see how upset he is and I know he still wants to sleep with me, but says it hurts when he gets excited and nothing happens. Is there something I can do? I tell him to see a doctor but I don’t think he will. Thanks a lot!
Wow, that’s a bummer Alice. Unfortunately, you don’t supply me with enough information for me to make an educated guess about what might be up with him. Does he have erections? Does he masturbate? Is he on any medications? These are the first questions I’d ask him. Since he isn’t here and neither are you, I’m gonna make a stab in the dark.
If I had to guess, I’d say your man is suffering from a real bad case of performance anxiety. He doesn’t need a medical doctor; he needs to learn to relax and be in the moment. If this is an arousal phase issue then that should help. If it’s and orgasmic phase issue, relaxing and enjoying the pleasure will also help.
Here’s how performance anxiety works. Say a fella has a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before he know it, he replaying the incident over and over in his head, till that’s all he can think about. The proverbial molehill becomes a mountain. He brings his anxiety to his next sexual encounter. His hyper-consciousness primes him for more disappointment. And he’s ready to interpret all disappointment as a failure. And this can interrupt either the arousal phase or orgasmic phase of our sexual response cycle.
Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? His fears become self-fulfilling. Before he knows it, he begins to avoid sex. His relationships suffer. He develops a full-blown sexual dysfunction. And his self-esteem takes a nosedive. His preoccupation with his problem makes it less likely that he’ll be fully present during sex with his partner, which pretty much fucks up his sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.
It sounds to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on his sexual arousal and thus short-circuiting the rest of his sexual response cycle, including orgasm.
This is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at his tender age. When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psycho-sexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction, and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method. It succeeds over 90% of the time.
We continue what we started earlier in the week, I was all involved in responding to a young woman’s query about porn for women when I ran out of time. Let’s pick up where we left off in Part 1, shall we?
Last week we considered the proliferation of porn for straight women. This week we take a look at some of the other categories of porn for women. Remember this is by no means an exhaustive list. And just so you know, you can find most all of these titles in Dr Dick How To Video Library. Look for a Video Library tab in the header of DDSA for this great sex resource.
Porn for straight couples.
New York-based filmmaker Tony Comstock forged his own path in the adult business, creating films previously unseen in the world of porn. Blending a documentary style with hardcore sex, Comstock created a new genre, “pornumentary” or “docuporn”. His films feature real-life couples talking about their relationship and sex lives before having sex on camera. The result is a fresh and revealing look into the lives of real people, and depicts the kind of sex real people have. This is porn without the fakery and cliché so often seen in mainstream porn. It’s erotica with emotion and context.
Anna Span is Britain’s first female porn director and she brings a unique perspective to her hardcore films. Her college dissertation was titled “Towards a New Pornography.” She created her first hardcore adult film in 1997, and worked for adult TV channels in the UK. She is the author of the book Erotic Home Video. Her production company, Easy on the Eye, also releases films by other female directors.
Anna’s films are made for both women and men, but she makes a special effort to include more female perspectives in her films, with a focus on female pleasure. Her movies feature excellent acting and engaging plots. Anna Span created a series called Women Love Porn, which features a selection of newer female directors hand-chosen by Anna.
Tristan Taormino is an author, editor and filmmaker who made a career out of sex education, particularly in the area of anal sex. We’ve featured lots of stuff my Tristan here on Dr Dick’s Sex Advice. Her column and website Pucker Up deals extensively with anal sex and her book; The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women won a Firecracker award. It was also made into a film in 1999. In 2006 Tristan created her own production company, Smart Ass Productions, so she could create her own brand of porn films. She was honored at the Inaugural Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto in 2006 and her film, Chemistry, won an AVN award in 2007, the first of several such awards and nominations.
Tristan has her own line of educational films with the porn giant, Vivid, called, VividEd. Again, you can find all these titles in Dr Dick’s How To Video Library.
Tristan describes herself as “queer”, saying she dislikes the label “bisexual”. Her films are designed to appeal to women and men of all orientations.
Joybear is a another UK-based erotic film company that makes films for both women and men. It was established in 2003 by Justin Ribero des Santos after he won a Playboy filmmaking competition, Joybear creates high-quality, high class explicit films and makes an effort to cater to the real desires of their audience. The company regularly runs surveys and focus groups to determine what it is that people want to see. Which is pretty cool if ya ask me.
Porn Movies For Lesbians And Queer People
While girl-on-girl action has long been a mainstay of the porn market, authentic lesbian erotica is still relatively rare. But nowadays, there are a number of people working to create their own brand of lesbian and queer porn, reflecting their own experiences and tastes.
Maria Beatty and Bleu Productions
Paris-based filmmaker Maria Beatty is world renowned for her innovative and beautiful lesbian erotic films that focus on BDSM. Having previously worked on documentaries about artists, Maria began to make her own special brand of porn in 1994, producing The Elegant Spanking, which received international acclaim. This film documents the intimate sadomasochistic encounters of Maria and a dominant female partner.
Since then Maria has produced an impressive number of adult movies, all exploring “the playful relationship between pleasure and pain” as she says. Her films have been produced independently in order to keep her vision of erotica unblemished by the demands of studios. She also does all the writing, editing, camerawork and production design herself. Maria recently completed a second feature length film called The Boy in the Bathtub, is currently working on is working on other erotic films.
San Francisco-based Madison Young describes herself as a “bondage/ fetish model, adult performer, artist, gallerist, activist, published writer, rope slut, queer and feminist.” She runs a non-profit art gallery called Femina Potens and performs in porn to help fund it. She’s an exhibitionist who enjoys exploring the kinkier side of her sexuality on film. And she has been a guest on my SEX WISDOM show. Use the search function in the header, type in Madison Young and Voilà, the two parts of her podcast will appear.
Madison says, “I wanted to be part of a movement of sex positive feminists taking control of their sexuality on film. Somehow documenting my sexual explorations always gave me some unbenounced permission to explore parts of my sexuality that I didn’t feel comfortable exploring in the bedroom. I love the camera. I always used to beg my partners to tape us having sex even before I got into the industry. I believe that it is educational to document honest sexual exploration and experiences and I try to feed into that and put all of my sexual energy into a scene.”
Aside from performing in numerous mainstream porn films, Madison used to run her own website. Madison Bound, but now it’s closed. Her subject matter encompasses many different tastes but usually includes BDSM and a lot of lesbianism.
S.I.R. stands for Sex, Indulgence and Rock n Roll. This company was one of the pioneers of real lesbian erotica and their titles are considered classics. Their movies are legendary for capturing raw emotion, intense chemistry, real orgasms that convey revolutionary queer desire. No wonder their films have played to sold out audiences to almost every LGBT film fest around the world.
Porn Movies Like Fifty Shades Of Grey
You’ve probably read Fifty Shades of Grey or know someone who has. Right? And let’s say you’re now keen to see a good smut that offers erotic BDSM. Preferably with a female submissive and a hot guy. Well here’s a short list titles to get you started, but don’t forget to look for all the swell instructional videos available at Dr Dick’s How To Video Library.
The Submission Of Emma Marx
Here’s the story line: Emma Marx is a beautiful, confident, well-adjusted woman. Unfortunately, when it comes to love and romance, all of her previous relationships have turned out to be a bit routine and mundane. Suddenly, that is all changes with a chance encounter with a handsome and mysterious man. He introduces her to a world she had only dared to fantasize about, a world of erotic sex, role-play and BDSM. She is surprised by how a man can so easily strip away her inhibitions and replace them with lust and desire. How is it that he has such control over her? Why does she like it so much? This is her journey of self-discovery and sexual awakening, but it comes with a price. What happens when the greatest love you’ve ever known forces you to face your greatest obstacle – yourself?
Shades of Kink
Enter the dark territory of unbridled sexual perversion and fantasy in Sweet Sinner’s taboo-smashing feature film, Shades of Kink. Riley is a sweet, innocent and motivated college grad looking for her first job at Norton Ashe’s marketing firm. The mysterious Ashe is looking to help his new recruit open up her imagination and body to new experiences. With intense drama and explosive performances by Maddy O’Reilly, Andy San Dimas, and Lily LaBeau, Shades of Kink guarantees to re-invent erotica.
Fifty Shades Of Dylan Ryan
Back to award Winning Feminist Pornographer, Madison Young, who I mention just moments ago, brings you Fifty Shades Of Dylan Ryan. Wealthy entrepreneur and book publishing mogul, Ms. Grey, has met her match in young college student and curious submissive, Dylan Ryan. After a sexy and defiant Dylan challenges Ms. Grey to a bet, Dylan forgoes her freedom and submerges herself into a life of total submission, testing her boundaries, proving her servitude through sexual gratification, masked orgies, soaked in female ejaculate, vibrated and fucked to orgasmic heights coupled with fellow sexual servants Bianca Stone and Berretta James. Dylan is whipped to climactic moments of pain and pleasure and collared while cradled in an intimate embrace of tenderness after an aggressive and beautiful journey into the depths of her darkest desires. How fun! Sounds like holiday viewing material, huh?
Ok, that’s it for my porn for women presentation. Hope ya liked it.
Is there such a thing as porn for women?
Ya, sure, ya betcha!
There’s never gonna be a simple answer to the question “What turns women on?” anymore than there’s a simple answer to the question “What turns men on?” Women are just as unpredictable in their eroticism as are men. And you can be pretty sure that what turns an individual on will most likely change over time. Let’s face it; for some women, a man wielding a vacuum may be more erotically charged than a dude wielding an erection.
Nowadays, porn comes in all shapes and sizes. And it is designed to titillate a much broader swath of the population then ever before. Before I begin to address all the marvelous porn being produced by women for women, let me mention that loads and loads of women love gay male porn. It stands to reason, right? After all, men are the erotic object for most of these women and gay male porn offers some of the most stunning and tantalizing examples of male flesh around. And there are no women in these movies. There are no women to compare one’s self too. No women are ever degraded or exploited in gay male porn. And lots and lots of women love seeing men on the receiving end of penetrative sex. It’s such a delicious and refreshing change of pace. And if you don’t mind a bit of shameless self-promotion, check out the work I did at Daddy Oohhh! Productions. We did eleven films in our heyday. There are trailers for each and links where you can watch scenes and/or download the whole film HERE!
First, let’s take a look at porn produced for straight women. There used to be very little in this category. Nowadays, there’s been an explosion of such productions and there are a number of production houses cranking it out.
The Main Producers are:
Candida Royalle and Femme Productions
The first person to create porn movies for straight women, Candida Royalle’s Femme series has been selling like hotcakes since 1985 – and she’s still going strong. Candida legitimized the idea of women enjoying porn, and she has been inspiring a new wave of directors and producers that are following in her footsteps. Candida’s movies have internal cumshots, no unseemly facials, romance, plots… and, of course, hardcore sex.
Candida pioneered the idea of creating adult films for straight women and forged a new path in the adult industry, insisting that female viewers of porn should have their own films. She is much revered in feminist porn circles for her work and her films continue to be best sellers.
Spanish feminist director Erika Lust has made waves with her own vision of hot, hardcore women’s porn. Her collection of short films, Five Hot Stories For Her, won Film of the Year at the 2008 Feminist Porn Awards and Life Love Lust won the same award in 2011.
Erika has a degree in Political Science, specializing in Feminism. In 2004 she made an erotic short called The Good Girl, which received much critical acclaim. She went on to found Lust Films, a media company, which aims to create feminist, female-friendly adult films. She’s also an author of note. She’s become one of the better-known female directors of porn for women.
UK independent filmmaker Petra Joy has created her own brand of adult film. Her motto is “feeling it, not faking it” and the focus is on sensuality, without sacrificing the heat. Her films feature real-life couples acting out explicit sexual scenarios, and are based on her own fantasies, as well as those of other women.
Her aesthetic is a more sensual one; she is interested in suggestion rather than blatant, gynecological close-ups.
Petra originally worked at a German TV network where she produced short erotic pieces for the series Love and Sins. Her photography has won numerous awards, including a nomination at the British Erotic Awards in 2003.
Petra says, “I want porn that stimulates the mind and feeds the soul. That is educational and inspirational, creative and kinky. And because I can not find it anywhere else; I make my own.”
Sweet Sinner and Hard Candy Films
After a career performing in and making girl-on-girl films (via her Sweetheart Video line) Nica Noelle decided she wanted to create movies depicting heterosexual sex for women and couples.
The big challenge was applying her ideals of intimacy and realism to boy-on-girl scenes. She wanted to make porn that was more emotional and personal with a real emphasis on female pleasure and orgasms. The result was Sweet Sinner, a line of hardcore erotic films that women totally enjoy. Nica says there are no facial cum shots in these films, although there are some external spunk. She herself prefers the guys to come inside and stay connected to their partner before, during and after ejaculation. Her films always ensure the women have an orgasm, even if it’s after the guy. So hurray for that.
Nica also directed some of Sweet Sinema films, which are features inspired by mainstream movies.
Nica left Sweet Sinner (and Mile High Media) and started a new studio she calls Hard Candy Films. It’s a company that makes couples-oriented porn, which is basically the same thing as woman-oriented films. Nica says she likes to create more emotionally nuanced films with her new company and is embracing a greater creative freedom. Her films still offer non-formulaic sex and complicated relationships within the confines of a feature. She writes and directs all of her own films.
Ok, that’s it for today. We’ll pick this topic up again at the end of the week.
D.L. King is one of my favorite authors. She appeared on The Erotic Mind show way back in January 2010. We had a great time together and she treated us to readings from her work. Look Part 1 of that show HERE and Part 2 HERE!
Imagine my surprise when I found this…
D.L. King Thrice nominated for the Golden Flogger Award for her anthologies speaks out
Do you participate in D/s activities or merely write about them?
I’ve been actively practicing kinky sex for more than fifteen years. There was always something missing in my relationships before I began adding d/s and s/m. I always chalked it up to not being a very sexual person; boy, was I wrong. Once I began writing what turned me on I realized that it indeed did turn me on (sometimes I can be a bit slow on the uptake) and I began to initiate d/s with my partners, I realized just how sexual I was—and how kinky. I’m a dominant woman and I enjoy playing with submissive men and the occasional submissive woman. I used to play in public fairly often, especially if exhibitionism either humiliated or turned my partner on, but now I prefer playing in private, where I can be as comfortable as I want. Of course, sometimes it’s nice to play in a dungeon or play space in order to have use of special equipment I don’t own or have room for.
What does being nominated for the Golden Flogger Award mean to you?
I was so very flattered to find out that three of my anthologies were nominated for the Golden Flogger Award. I’ve been writing and editing anthologies for many years and work very hard to make sure that a book or story is the best it can be before putting it out there with my name on it. There are many erotica anthologies out there, but I like to think mine are unique as first and foremost, I put them together to please myself. That’s why, whether it’s lesbian BDSM, female submission or general domination, choices will be different than another editor’s. I publish what I like and I think what I like tends to be a little quirkier than a lot of what’s out there—maybe there’s more humor, maybe stories are more thought provoking. But knowing that other people recognize what I’m doing and like it too is what makes being nominated so special to me.
What is the hardest part of editing your anthologies?
I think the most difficult part of editing is rejection. Sometimes rejection is easy. When a story doesn’t fit the call for submissions or has no plot or appears to have been written by a third grader, it’s easy to reject. But when it’s obvious that the author put his or her heart and soul into a piece and it still doesn’t quite fit what I’m looking for, it’s tough. When somebody’s on the right track but the work just isn’t there yet or when I really love something, but it doesn’t fit, or I already have something too similar, I’ll often add a note of encouragement to my email. I don’t know what writers think about those notes, after all, it’s still a rejection, but I hope what I have to say is helpful.
Once I fell madly in love with a story, but it didn’t fit the anthology for which it had been submitted. I sent a note to the author telling her that. I told her if I ever did a book it did fit, I’d get back to her. I don’t know how she felt about the note and I doubt she believed me. She may have been flattered by it, but it was still a rejection. I wanted that story so badly I pitched an idea to my publisher just so I could include it. I think she was surprised when I wrote to her months later and asked to have it back. It’s still one of my all-time favorite stories.
Tell us a little about yourself and your writing works.
I’ve been writing erotica over fifteen years and have published over seventy short stories in a lot of different anthologies. My work can be found in various editions of the “bests” such as Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Women’s Erotica, Best Bondage Erotica and Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, as well as The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica, Leather Ever After, No Safewords, Hurts So Good, Bound for Trouble, Baby Got Back, and many more. I’ve edited thirteen anthologies of Erotica including vampire erotica, steampunk erotica, lesbian erotica, female domination and many others. The one thing they all have in common is the inclusion of BDSM. Even the anthologies not necessarily billed as kinky erotica contain BDSM because it’s my passion. I’ve written two novels of female domination and male submission, The Melinoe Project and The Art of Melinoe and Riverdale Avenue Books has published a collection of twenty-one of my femdom short stories, Her Wish is Your Command.
My anthology, The Harder She Comes won both the Lambda Literary Award for Lesbian Erotica and the Independent Publishers gold medal. My anthology, Carnal Machines is also an Independent Publishers gold medalist and my anthology Under Her Thumb is a silver medalist.
Will you be attending BDSM Writers Con or other events we can meet you at?
With a To Do list like that, I don’t think I’ll be attending the BDSM Writers Con this year, though that could change. I will be attending the NELA Fetish Flea in Warwick RI this Valentine’s Day weekend. Forget virtual bookstore; it will be an actual bookstore. Cecilia Tan and I have connecting rooms this year so readers can have a one-stop shopping experience. Oh, and Laura Antoniou will be making our rooms her headquarters when not teaching classes, and her books available, as well! So, if you’re going to the Flea, be sure to stop by!
Complete Article HERE!