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Selfish So ‘n So

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Name: Andrew
Gender: Male
Age: 34
Location: Texas
I’m selfish. I don’t feel like having sex with anyone, not even my boyfriend. I can masturbate all I want and get off just fine but I prefer to do it alone. My boyfriend is frustrated and wants me to go to therapy, but I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea. I’ve had selfish times like this before, but this one has been the longest (almost 2 years). Usually they’d last a few months at most and seem to have happened independent of whether I’m doing great or depressed. I’m also fairly certain that this isn’t to do with my current relationship. The reason is that past selfish times have happened whether or not I’ve been seeing someone. When I get this way, even guys who are perfectly my type (like my boyfriend) can try all they want to get into my pants (literally and figuratively) and will not be successful. When I’m like this I notice that I barely think about sex unless a dirty picture, movie or text is in front of me, and I’m only trying to get away when a hot guy is trying to get in my pants. I’m usually good at finding out what’s going on in my head, then solving an issue but this one has me stumped.

So you’re tellin’ me you’ve been withholding sex from your long-suffering BF for nearly 2 years? That’s not being selfish, my friend; that’s torture. Your refusal to see a therapist about this, because you are “extremely uncomfortable with the idea,” also tells me that your issues are deep seeded and you’d rather keep these things hidden and stifle your relationship then get them out in the open and resolved.

love music

I’m sorry, Andrew, but I have virtually no patience for folks like you. If you were single and you wanted to live your life like this; that would be fine. But you’ve involved your sexually messed up self with another human who has needs that are just as important as yours. And that, sir, ain’t right.

I have one real simple premise that I live by. And it is, each of us has a right to a happy, healthy, integrated sex life. If there is something that is getting in the way of achieving that, whatever it might be, it is a problem that needs to be addressed immediately.

As far as relationships go, I am of the mind that we ought, first and foremost, work to honor our commitments of mutual support. Are there ways that these two moral principles — a right to a healthy sex life and one’s relationship commitments — can coexist when one’s relationship excludes the possibility of happy sexual expression? Yes, I believe there are. And many couples achieve that balance, because they have an overriding love and concern for one anther.

Now the facts — not all loving relationship, including many marriages, have a sexual component. Many, for one reason or another, simply don’t. In fact, most long-term relationships are not sexual in nature. However, a partner in loving relationship who is unable to provide sexual satisfaction to his/her partner should give that partner permission to find sexual fulfillment outside the relationship. I hasten to add that these are often very difficult negotiations to hammer out. But to do less than try to make these accommodations is, I believe, a form of sexual abuse.

If your partner is trying to negotiate a satisfactory solution to your problem and you are opposed to even discussing the issue or seeking the professional help you desperately need you will destroy a perfectly good and viable relationship. And that is unconscionable in my book.

I am not suggesting that you deny your sexual issues just to appease or pacify your partner. Nor do I condone simply letting your selfishness become the path of the least resistance. These options will only create a divide between you and your partner that will not be able to be bridged.

If you ever hope to escape the corner you’ve painted yourself into, you’ll have to buck up and be honest with your partner and commit to getting the help you need.

Good Luck

A cock in a frock with his marriage nearly on the rocks

Name: Roxy
Gender:
Age: 37
Location: SF Bay Area
Dear Dr. Dick, I am slowly but inexorably marching to my wits end over my current dilemma. I’m a part time TV married to a wonderful girl who I find very satisfying emotionally, mentally and physically. So what’s the problem, you’re asking? The problem is that before we got married I had several sexual encounters with men (yes, with me dressed and made up as a girl). Some of which were quite thrilling, and now I find that I am yearning to get all dressed up and find a male partner who will satisfy the girl side of my psyche sexually. I don’t want to cheat on my wife (with whom I’ve talked about marital fidelity…if I cheated and she found out, her line is that our sex life would be over), but I feel the compulsion to act getting stronger all the time… what should I do?
Sincerely, Distraught in downtown

Before I respond to you, Roxy, I want to make sure my audience knows what we’re talking about.

transvestiteFolks, Roxie here is identifying himself as a part-time TV. That, of course, has nothing to do with the box in your living room on which you watch The Brady Bunch reruns. TV in this context means transvestite, or better still, crossdresser. Which is literally the practice of crossdressing; wearing the clothing of another sex. Which as we all know, or should know, must not to be confused with a TS, which means transsexual, or better still, transgender. (Here’s a tip:  the terms transsexual and transvestite are outmoded because they are heavily pathologized, as medically or psychologically abnormal.) A transgender person is someone who self-identifies as a gender other than the one she/he was assigned at birth. I hope we’re all down with that now.

Now back to you, Roxy. It seems to me that you’re really overreaching here. Desires are wonderful things. We just better know the difference between a desire and reality. I encourage you to think twice about realizing this particular desire of yours if it means upending your relationship. Seems to me your long-suffering wife’s feelings deserves more than the casual consideration you seem to afford them.

Most TVs I know would give their left falsie for a partner as understanding and accommodating as your wife. And look at you, contemplating fucking this up by skipping out on her just so you can get all gussied up so you can find a dude to pound the bejesus out of you to satisfy the girly side of your psyche.TV01

I never advocate the cheating option. But I know how compelling sexual fantasies can be. On the other hand, maybe some kind of additional accommodation could be made with your wife. Maybe she’d be up for a 3-way.

I know this marvelously kinky woman, Abby, who pimps out her beautiful straight boyfriend to totally hot gay men they meet at the best gay nightclubs. She does this just so she can watch the straight BF get pounded. I hasten to add that the beautiful straight BF is a willing participant in this unusual ménage. Curiously enough, he’d never think of doing this on his own. For him, the turn on is not the part where other guys fuck him; although that is pleasurable. It’s the pleasing and being dominated by his kinky girlfriend that turns his crank. So when Abby snaps her finger, you know for certain that Ty will soon be buggered senseless while she’ll get a great show. Now that’s devotion. And while this is not for everyone, it sure as hell works for them.

RHPSWill your little woman go for something like this, Roxy? Who knows! One thing for sure, you’ll never know unless you ask. Here’s a tip. To sell this whole ménage thing to the wifie, I encourage you to play up how HOT it will be for her. How much fun she’ll have watching and possibly even directing her pansy-ass husband take it up the bung-hole. How it’s gonna blow her mind, and shake up your traditional sex roles and really spice things up in the boudoir. With a sales pitch like that she might just give it a whirl.

I don’t envy your dilemma, Roxy, but I think something interesting could come of this just as long as you’re upfront about it with your wife. If ya don’t, you’ll soon be a cock in a frock with his marriage on the rocks.

Good luck

He Can’t Cum!

Name: Alice
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Minnesota
My new boyfriend is really frustrated and doesn’t want to have sex anymore because he can’t come. He says he’s had this problem for a while and hasn’t come with any girl for over a year. I see how upset he is and I know he still wants to sleep with me, but says it hurts when he gets excited and nothing happens. Is there something I can do? I tell him to see a doctor but I don’t think he will. Thanks a lot!

Wow, that’s a bummer Alice. Unfortunately, you don’t supply me with enough information for me to make an educated guess about what might be up with him. Does he have erections? Does he masturbate? Is he on any medications? These are the first questions I’d ask him. Since he isn’t here and neither are you, I’m gonna make a stab in the dark.cover up

If I had to guess, I’d say your man is suffering from a real bad case of performance anxiety. He doesn’t need a medical doctor; he needs to learn to relax and be in the moment. If this is an arousal phase issue then that should help. If it’s and orgasmic phase issue, relaxing and enjoying the pleasure will also help.

Here’s how performance anxiety works. Say a fella has a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before he know it, he replaying the incident over and over in his head, till that’s all he can think about. The proverbial molehill becomes a mountain. He brings his anxiety to his next sexual encounter. His hyper-consciousness primes him for more disappointment. And he’s ready to interpret all disappointment as a failure. And this can interrupt either the arousal phase or orgasmic phase of our sexual response cycle.

Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? His fears become self-fulfilling. Before he knows it, he begins to avoid sex. His relationships suffer. He develops a full-blown sexual dysfunction. And his self-esteem takes a nosedive. His preoccupation with his problem makes it less likely that he’ll be fully present during sex with his partner, which pretty much fucks up his sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

It sounds to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on his sexual arousal and thus short-circuiting the rest of his sexual response cycle, including orgasm.

This is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at his tender age. When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psycho-sexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction, and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method. It succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck

Kinky Chat with D.L. King

D.L. King is one of my favorite authors. She appeared on The Erotic Mind show way back in January 2010. We had a great time together and she treated us to readings from her work. Look Part 1 of that show HERE and Part 2 HERE!

Imagine my surprise when I found this…

D.L. King Thrice nominated for the Golden Flogger Award for her anthologies speaks out

d-l-kingDo you participate in D/s activities or merely write about them?
I’ve been actively practicing kinky sex for more than fifteen years. There was always something missing in my relationships before I began adding d/s and s/m. I always chalked it up to not being a very sexual person; boy, was I wrong. Once I began writing what turned me on I realized that it indeed did turn me on (sometimes I can be a bit slow on the uptake) and I began to initiate d/s with my partners, I realized just how sexual I was—and how kinky. I’m a dominant woman and I enjoy playing with submissive men and the occasional submissive woman. I used to play in public fairly often, especially if exhibitionism either humiliated or turned my partner on, but now I prefer playing in private, where I can be as comfortable as I want. Of course, sometimes it’s nice to play in a dungeon or play space in order to have use of special equipment I don’t own or have room for.

What does being nominated for the Golden Flogger Award mean to you?slave girls
I was so very flattered to find out that three of my anthologies were nominated for the Golden Flogger Award. I’ve been writing and editing anthologies for many years and work very hard to make sure that a book or story is the best it can be before putting it out there with my name on it. There are many erotica anthologies out there, but I like to think mine are unique as first and foremost, I put them together to please myself. That’s why, whether it’s lesbian BDSM, female submission or general domination, choices will be different than another editor’s. I publish what I like and I think what I like tends to be a little quirkier than a lot of what’s out there—maybe there’s more humor, maybe stories are more thought provoking. But knowing that other people recognize what I’m doing and like it too is what makes being nominated so special to me.

What is the hardest part of editing your anthologies?
I think the most difficult part of editing is rejection. Sometimes rejection is easy. When a story doesn’t fit the call for submissions or has no plot or appears to have been written by a third grader, it’s easy to reject. But when it’s obvious that the author put his or her heart and soul into a piece and it still doesn’t quite fit what I’m looking for, it’s tough. When somebody’s on the right track but the work just isn’t there yet or when I really love something, but it doesn’t fit, or I already have something too similar, I’ll often add a note of encouragement to my email. I don’t know what writers think about those notes, after all, it’s still a rejection, but I hope what I have to say is helpful.

Once I fell madly in love with a story, but it didn’t fit the anthology for which it had been submitted. I sent a note to the author telling her that. I told her if I ever did a book it did fit, I’d get back to her. I don’t know how she felt about the note and I doubt she believed me. She may have been flattered by it, but it was still a rejection. I wanted that story so badly I pitched an idea to my publisher just so I could include it. I think she was surprised when I wrote to her months later and asked to have it back. It’s still one of my all-time favorite stories.

sedductressTell us a little about yourself and your writing works.
I’ve been writing erotica over fifteen years and have published over seventy short stories in a lot of different anthologies. My work can be found in various editions of the “bests” such as Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Women’s Erotica, Best Bondage Erotica and Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, as well as The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica, Leather Ever After, No Safewords, Hurts So Good, Bound for Trouble, Baby Got Back, and many more. I’ve edited thirteen anthologies of Erotica including vampire erotica, steampunk erotica, lesbian erotica, female domination and many others. The one thing they all have in common is the inclusion of BDSM. Even the anthologies not necessarily billed as kinky erotica contain BDSM because it’s my passion. I’ve written two novels of female domination and male submission, The Melinoe Project and The Art of Melinoe and Riverdale Avenue Books has published a collection of twenty-one of my femdom short stories, Her Wish is Your Command.

My anthology, The Harder She Comes won both the Lambda Literary Award for Lesbian Erotica and the Independent Publishers gold medal. My anthology, Carnal Machines is also an Independent Publishers gold medalist and my anthology Under Her Thumb is a silver medalist.

I have another novel in the works, three anthology calls coming out soon and I continue to write short stories. Oh yeah, and I have a full-time job. I guess I’m a little crazy.The-Big-Book-of-Domination-Erotic-Fantasies

Will you be attending BDSM Writers Con or other events we can meet you at?
With a To Do list like that, I don’t think I’ll be attending the BDSM Writers Con this year, though that could change. I will be attending the NELA Fetish Flea in Warwick RI this Valentine’s Day weekend. Forget virtual bookstore; it will be an actual bookstore. Cecilia Tan and I have connecting rooms this year so readers can have a one-stop shopping experience. Oh, and Laura Antoniou will be making our rooms her headquarters when not teaching classes, and her books available, as well! So, if you’re going to the Flea, be sure to stop by!
Complete Article HERE!

From Everyone here at Dr Dick’s Sex Advice, CONGRATULATIONS on your all your nominations and awards, D.L.!

What a pain in the ass!

Name: Garth
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Location: South Africa
Hi, I fissured my butt sometime ago and I think it has healed. I have undergone a Lateral Sphincterotomy twice – inner and outer. Unfortunately the area is now VERY sensitive and when I defecate the area ‘screams’ in pain. The softer my stool the worse the pain. When my stool is firm, the pain is less. Will this go away? Is there any medication that I can use?

Everyone in my audience please listen up! I am not a medical doctor, nor do I play one on the internet. The Dr Dick moniker I use refers to my Ph.D. I am a clinical sexologist or a sex therapist if you prefer, not a physician. Get it? Got it? Good!

That being said, anal fissures are a common proctological problem, especially for the heavy ass play crowd. An anal fissure is a tear at the anal tissue. The most common complaint is pain in the anal region during and after taking a dump, itching and possibly some bleeding. Pain and irritation result in spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle, which then fails to relax during defecation further aggravating the condition.ass-pain

The lateral sphincterotomy you mention is a surgical procedure that removes the fissure. This operation remains the primary form of treatment for chronic anal fissure.

From all that I could learn from my medical consultants, if your surgeries healed properly you shouldn’t be experiencing pain, let alone “screaming pain” when you shit. We all understand that the area will continue to be sensitive, but the pain you describe is not a good sign. You may very well have an infection. You need to have that looked at ASAP. This is nothing to roll around with.

Here’s a tip for all everyone in my audience: pain, of any sort, is one way our body talks to us. Its message is: things are not as they should be; get it fixed NOW. Sometimes the pain will subside when we stop doing something…like holding our hand too close to a flame, or being flogged senseless by Christian Grey. Some pain will only subside when a condition is fixed…like getting a cavity in one’s tooth filled. Other pain, like the emotional pain that come with depression is harder to soothe, but it is important to try. Finally, pain like Garth is experiencing means something is very wrong. And if not attended to immediately, things will only get worse.

Good luck

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