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The Big Tease; How to Strip for Someone Special

Here comes another one of my Sexual Enrichment Tutorials

Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being stripped out of our daily wear and into something sexy. or nothing at all, is one of life’s big turn ons. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. In fact we all could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living.

Few of us are natural born exhibitionists. The majority of us don’t know squat about how to slink out of our clothes without looking ridiculous. Like they say in the business, real strippers are born not made. OK, so most of us aren’t naturals, and I include myself in this group. But that doesn’t mean we can’t pick up a few of the finer points of this ancient art form and apply them to our own situation.

First and foremost, we’re gonna have to leave as many of our inhibitions and body issues as possible at the door. If you’re so self-critical as to think you’ll be absurd if you try, you mind as well drop the whole freakin’ thing right here. But if you’re into having some fun, even if it’s at your own expense, then step right up, cuz we’re gonna make you a star!

If you plan on stripping for someone you know well, like your partner; you probably already know a lot about what turns him or her on. Ya know, those little sexual peccadilloes we all have — fishnet stockings, a g-string and high heels, a white jock, leather chaps, armbands, and a cowboy hat, a Catholic schoolgirl plaid skirt, anklets and Mary Janes, things like that. These things well be the building blocks of your outfit. Remember you will be stripping down to something before there is nothing left to remove. So consider your theme and then layer from there. Each successive layer removed should reveal an even more tantalizing layer underneath.

• Don’t wear something that’s gonna be a bitch to take off.
• Have enough layers to keep the show interesting

Next consider the venue for your show. Since there’s gonna be a whole lot of dancing around, you’ll want the space to be big enough so you don’t have to cramp your style. At the same time you’ll want the environment to be warm and intimate. Set the mood with the proper lighting. And your venue must include some kind of sound system, even if it’s a portable boom box.

Either arrange your space so that your audience is seated in the middle of your performance area — so that you can slink and shimmy around him/her. Or consider a little homemade stage with curtains that you can use as part of your performance

Think about props — a chair or stool al la Cabaret works. You’ll want something to taunt your audience with; a seductive hat, a feather boa, a ridding crop, gloves — opera length or leather. There are even collapsible dancer poles available online for a touch of the authentic.

  • Keep the venue simple. You’re the star, not the space.
  • Mood lighting is essential; it’ll make or break your show!

The next consideration is the music. This is really important element to a successful show. A miscalculation here will fuck up your whole routine. Go the distance and compile a few different tempos on a tape, CD or MP3 player to really impress your audience. Arrange your music so that it will automatically flow from one tempo or song to the next. Move from a faster disco tempo at the beginning of your show — to get you and your audience’s blood pumping. Then a slower tempo Soul or Rhythm and Blues number for gettin down to business. Don’t choose something too slow or maudlin, it’ll destroy the sexy mood and the interest of your audience.

  • Your music selections should drip with sex.
  • Don’t interrupt your show to change the tape or CD.

To add an air of authenticity, adhere to strict strip club rules. Your audience is not allowed to touch you. And you are prohibited from directly touching your audience. Keep your communication non-verbal. Your audience must remain seated throughout. These rules will enhance the tease effect. If you want to heighten the effect, consider restraining your audience with a little erotic bondage. A silk handkerchief, or a satin scarf works to secure his/her hands and feet. Or you could always pull out all the plugs and get yourself some swell bondage gear online. I’m thinkin’ some leather restraints and cuffs will do the trick.

  • The strip is to tease and entice. So be naughty as well as nice.
  • You control the show and the audience.

When you’re ready to begin the show, start your music and seductively move or dance towards your audience. Let him/her have a good look at you and you’re outfit — front and back. Approach your audience then gyrate in front of him/her. Be sure to include some deep bending front and back. Let your audience get a load of the goods! Get as close to your audience as possible without actually touching. Close enough for him/her to smell you, or for you to swipe him/her with something you’re wearing. This is where a nice boa or leather flogger will come in handy.

Continue to tease and taunt and keep moving. Squat or use one of your props to lean against or partially sit and seductively open your legs or show your ass. Keep you hands busy on your body, stroking yourself, reaching into your outfit to fondle yourself. Feel free to touch your audience, but never with your hands, only with your props.

  • Completely dominate your audience through visuals.
  • Please through tease.

After this initial dance, move away from your audience and start the main show; the strip. When you shuck each article of clothing, don’t just remove it; tease with it. Toss each discarded article to you audience, or drag it over him/her. Being unable to touch you will enhance his/her sense of smell. Use this to your advantage. Wipe your clothing on your body before tossing it to your audience. The more intimate articles: bra, stockings, underwear, jock or what have you could be wrapped around his/her head and face.

Strip slowly and erotically; reveal only an inch or two of skin at a time. If you are about to reveal something on your front, turn your back on your audience first. If you’re gonna reveal your ass; start by facing your audience, then seductively turn around.

  • Build on the anticipation. Make your audience want more.
  • Stay in rhythm with your music.

Then, once you’re completely naked, approach your audience and present yourself in all your glory. You should be deliciously sweaty and aroused by now. Using one of your props, a dildo perhaps, wipe your breasts, your crotch and bring it close to your audience’s face. Try a lap dance or pull his/her face into your breasts or crotch. Get on all fours and seductively loosen his/her clothing. Your audience will still bound to his/her chair, so you can have your way with him/her. While on the floor use your feet to stroke his/her crotch.

Turn up the heat by masturbating for your audience. Tease or lick your audience’s tits, finger her pussy, or diddle his cock. As your show concludes untie your partner and lead him/her to a full-on fuck.

Good luck

Try as I might…

Name: Dan
Gender: Male
Age: 48
Location: Montreal
I’m a late forties year old man who has lived numerous sexual experience in the past, until I met just in the beginning of this past year a wonderful interesting, woman with all the qualities and values that I needed. We started our first sexual experience a few months ago, April. The result was quite a disaster. I wasn’t able to do any penetration on her. She insisted that she has a blockage, and I had no idea about blockage and wanted to leave her place. Now I tried to understand her, but her problem has two factors that I’ve never came across with a woman. One is that if I fucked her she would get vaginitis. She doesn’t have any reaction when I fuck her. However, the scenario with her is the usual. She would get into her closet wear something very daring and sexy and give me a nice blowjob and …swallow. I would usually experience just straight penetration, in any position in my past experience with other women But would this mean that the sexy clothes and asking me if I would cum in her mouth, compensated for her inability to have my penis in her vagina? She asked me that I would have to eat her pussy often so she would feel something. The last time I did I was eating her pussy for two hours with a few breaks until she came. My question is can I take this any longer, and what is the connection with her vaginitis?

Hell, Dan, I don’t know if you can take this any longer or not. What’s clear to me is, things are pretty grim, not just for you but also for your lady friend.

Your story is a little difficult to follow. I’m gonna guess that English is not your first language, right? But here’s what I think you’re trying to say. You are a sexually experienced man in his forties. You’ve recently met an interesting woman that you like very much. Unfortunately, the sex sucks…and not in a good way.

Your friend experiences pain while fucking, but you don’t know why. She says there’s a blockage and tells you that intercourse will only lead to vaginitis, which is an inflammation of the vaginal mucosa and often associated with an irritation or an infection. While this is a pretty common problem, it should not be an every fucking time kinda problem…if you catch my drift. However, this little lady is happy to give you a hummer to make up for this. And just to show you there are no hard feelings — she’ll even swallow your spunk. Well, she’s a trooper that’s for sure! Unfortunately, avoiding the fucking issue won’t solve the mystery of why fucking is a real pain in the pussy.

The two most likely reasons for this painful fucking are: 1) the woman is not aroused enough before the fucking begins, or 2) there is an actual physical condition that might make fucking painful, even if she is aroused.

It’s easy enough to eliminate the second option; all your woman friend has to do is pay her gynecologist a little visit and have her doc take a quick look around. If there is indeed a blockage, as she says there is, a gynecological exam will discover it and end the debate.

That being said, I’d be willing to bet that, in your friend’s situation the first reason is the more likely culprit. This is often the case with pre-orgasmic women and your woman friend sounds like she may very well fall into that category. If your woman friend has lived all her adult life without having an orgasm, she will sure enough be conditioned not to expect one any time soon — either through fucking or by having you eat her out…even for hours. And hey, you’re a trooper too for doin’ that, darlin’!

I’d be willing to speculate that she’s not particularly informed about her own sexual response cycle. Thus she’s unable to provide you much direction on how to pleasure her without discomfort. A woman, particularly a preorgasmic one, must come to full arousal before her partner attempts penetration. A man, on the other hand, needs only to have a stiff dick. This obviously makes them (men) more ready and eager for the old in and out long before their female partner is ready and eager for the same. If you are guilty of this, and there’s a good chance that you are, your woman friend’s body will resist you, even if she desires to make a go of it.

Your woman friend could start getting over this by being better informed about her own sexual response cycle. If she doesn’t know what turns her crank, she can’t expect you to know what to do, even with all of your experience. Once she figures out how her body works, and this information will come best through masturbation, she’ll then be able to instruct you on the subtleties and points of interest of her particular pussy.

Touch is very important to most women, especially in the arousal stage of things. Often women will want to be touched and caressed all over, not just on the sexually charged spots of her body like her tits and pussy. She ought to take you on a little touch tour of her body. Literally, she could take you by the hand and touch herself with your fingers. She should show you the kind of touch she likes in the places she likes to be touched. You guys will need to take your time with this. I can pretty much guarantee you won’t get it the hang of this first time you try.

With her help you’re gonna be able to see her arousal build. She could encourage you to use your lips and mouth as well as your hands. If she’s not fully aroused, her pussy will be dry. But even if she is wet, you ought to use a nice personal lubricant to make her even more slippery and to facilitate penetration. I can’t overstate the necessity of lots and lots of lube.

If you guys follow these simple steps, you will have greater success with your fucking. Your woman friend will experience great pleasure and she will, in turn, be a fount of great pleasure for you. In the end, your woman friend must take the lead in this. She must get to know her own body first, so she can teach you about it next.

Finally, let me turn you on to a couple of great resources. Both are SEX WISDOM podcasts. I suggest that you and your woman friend listen to these shows together.  The first is an interview with author Mikaya Heart. Mikaya is the author of The Ultimate Guide To Orgasm For Women; How to Become Orgasmic For A Lifetime. It is by far the best book about women’s sexuality that I have read in the past decade, if not longer.

The second interview is with sexologist, Dr Shannon Chavez. She is one of the co-founders of the revolutionary SHE (Sexual Health Experts) Clinic in Arizona. Theirs is a comprehensive interdisciplinary treatment approach to female sexual health needs.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Desperate measures

Name: Jake
Gender:  Male
Age: 18
Location: London
I have never had sex mostly because I have never managed to approach the person. I am bisexual and am desperate to have sex with a guy or girl. What are the best ways to approach someone for sex?

Never managed to approach a person for sex? Are you just shy, or are you a total geek? Either way, my friend, you gotta get over yourself if you ever hope to get laid.

Ok, so you’re just 18 without a lot of experience in the ways of the world. Here’s what I tell everyone who asks me this question, regardless of age or gender. When it comes to asking for sex, I think the direct approach works best. Just so long as you’re not gonna be a dick about it. If you haven’t already discovered, baggin’ a chick will probably take a bit more finesse than pokin’ on a bloke. And coming on to a mate will take a different approach than hittin’ up a stranger for a shag.

If there’s a bit of charm about you, your task will be considerably easier than if you are some crude Neanderthal who just wants to notch his belt. If you’re not sure what your selling points are, ask a friend for his or her feedback. If he or she tells you nice things bout yourself, you might be in luck. If he or she tells you that you’re a charmless creep, you’ll have your work cut out for you.

Regardless what group you fall into — the “maybe fuckable”, or the “not fucking ever,” you can always improve your image and hone your unique style. Look to how you present yourself; make sure you are groomed, clean and odor-free. Dress like you mean to impress. Doesn’t need to be fancy or fussy, just make it look like you gave your cloths a thought before you dressed yourself. Make yourself interesting, have a point of view, but share it sparingly. Have a sense of humor about yourself. If you can’t be clever or witty, then keep your mouth shut for the most part.

The internet is a great place to test the waters. Dating and hook-up sites abound. Put up a profile…with a photo or too. Here’s a tip, save the dick pics for the queer sites. Women don’t want to see your pathetic willie, at least not right away. One thing for sure, there’s nothing more unattractive to most women or men than a desperate fuck. Asking for what you want is good, pleading to be taken out of pity is not!

Few women are as casual about sex as are most men. So if a woman tells you no, she just may be shy, or not ready, or not sure. If a guy tell you no, it’s not the end of the world. He’s probably not into your type. Since there are so many fish in the sea, if you’re immediately not successful, move on. Sometimes getting laid is a situational thing. Being in the right place at the right time is helpful.

Chicks are gonna be concerned about the whole pregnancy thing. This is much more serious concern for a girl then for a boy. If you’re not well versed on methods of contraception, you’re not ready to have sex. Sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for you both. Don’t be a fuck-up; always use a condom regardless your partner’s gender.

If you’re dick is hard, it’s not the right time to talk about sex with a woman, but it might be the best time to hit up a dude. Women don’t necessarily like the lean and hungry look. Men tend to groove on it.

There are lots of different ways to have sex, so what might be appealing to one person may not be to another. Hand jobs and/or blow jobs are often more easy to cum by than full-on fucking with both chicks and blokes.

In the end, there no standard way to ask for sex, but if you treat a prospective partner, regardless of gender, with respect, honesty, and patience, you can be sure whatever words you use will be more effective than if you’re an uncouth lout.

Good luck

Libido Disparity, A Common Problem

Name: Chris
Gender: male
Age: 29
Location:
I’m 29 and I’ve been married for the last 3 years. I was seeing my wife for 5 years prior to being married so I guess it’s been a total of 8 years that we’ve been together. When we first got together everything was great the sex was outstanding ya know 69 all types of positions tons of oral, tons of foreplay and she had an orgasm every time. It seems that just in the last couple of years everything has dwindled away to the point where it’s her on top for a little bit, me on top for a little bit till I finish then we go back to the living room and hang out. Whenever I bring up the subject she gets very uncomfortable and won’t talk about it. And it’s really starting to freak me out in every aspect of our relationship. I love the girl, so I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m wondering if there’s any hope to get things back to the way they used to be that fresh hotness and spontaneity. How can I bring the heat back?

Like I always say, If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this same complaint from a frustrated and desperate man or woman trapped in an undersexed marriage, I’d have enough money to lay down my keyboard, give up my status as the most fabulous and revered sexpert in the universe and retire to Maui.

Despite the frequency of the grievance, it still breaks my heart to hear the despair. I mean it’s one thing to have the sexual connection between partners drift away by mutual consent. It’s another thing all together to have one partner dissolve the sexual connection unilaterally while leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

And what gives with a partner who refuses to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive? That is so wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things goin’ south, or even how to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that’s just unfair. Suppose the problem had to do with finances instead of sex. What if one of you decided to start splurging on major purchases without consulting the other? There’d be hell to pay then, huh? There’d be no duckin’ out of the responsibility by clamin’ up in this instance, I’ll bet. But when it comes to sex, somehow the same rules for accountability don’t always apply. Why is that?

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Thus sexual wellbeing in a relationship is way more than just the old in and out. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. Sex is a way of expressing one’s self as well as our love for the other. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that results from the breakdown of this fundamental tenet will, as you suggest Chris, spill over into and contaminate other areas of the relationship. But it doesn’t need to happen.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the breakdown in these private sessions than I do when the couple and I work together as a threesome. Sometimes it’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

My experience tells me that more often than not, a refusal to discuss sexual concerns has more to do with not knowing how to express oneself without hurting the feelings of the other. Sometimes an individual simply doesn’t know herself why things are different than they once were. Sometimes there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes there are medical and psychological issues that impact on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few.

There’s also something we in the business call: “desire discrepancy disorder,” which is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying one partner has a stronger libido then the other. But often the simplest and most ordinary explanation is that the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Ok, so your wife is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, Chris. That just means you’re gonna have to be proactive in bringing this issue to a head. And I’m not suggesting that you browbeat your wife about her unwillingness to talk about the issue. It’s gonna be all about you leading by example. Here’s what I suggest. Set up a time for you and your wife to have a sit-down. This needs to be scheduled in advance so that both of you know it’s coming. There ought be no surprises. This conference should not immediately follow sex, especially disappointing sex. Set aside at least 30 minutes when you guys are fresh and relaxed and then start preparing what you want to say. Take notes if necessary.

When the time comes for the sit down, I encourage you to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Begin by laying out how you feel and owing your feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Stay away from statements like “you make me feel…blah, blah, blah. These kinds of pronouncements will only muddy the waters. Then I suggest that you invite your wife to do the same. If she can’t, or won’t, move on to what steps you will take to get to the bottom of this. Something like, “I don’t want to continue the status quo. I’ve decided that I am going to seek some professional help for this. Maybe there’s something I’m missing. I can’t get to the bottom of this on my own, so maybe a sex therapist will help me understand what’s going on.” Again, invite her to join you in this effort. If she refuses or stalls out, move on to closing the discussion. You might say something like, “thank you for hearing me out on this. I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I think our relationship is worth the effort to preserve it. And I’m actually gonna do something to make sure that we stay together. My invitation to you to join me in this effort will remain open.” End of discussion!

Of course, if you take this route, you will have to follow through on your commitment. If you don’t you will sabotage the whole damn thing, which will only make matters considerably worse. I encourage you to find a sex-positive therapist to work with. A good resource for this is The American College of Sexologists. Visit the directory page on their website. You will find listings for certified sexologists and sex therapists all over the world. If there is no one near you, contact the person closest to you and ask for a referral. Often my fellow ACS therapists and sexologists are very well connected to the broader sex-positive communities in their area.

You may also wish to consult me, even if you’re not here in Seattle. Check out the Therapy Available link in the header of my site for all the information you’ll need to make an enlightened decision about working with me.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your wife is looking for to muster her own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surely fuck things up royally.

Good luck

Quickies

Name: Vic
Gender:
Age: 37
Location: Hollywood
I think I have hemorrhoids can you tell me what to do and what kind of doctor I should see

You think you have hemorrhoids, but you don’t know for sure? Since you don’t include the symptoms you might be having, I really can’t help all that much.

What I can tell you is that hemorrhoids are abnormally swollen veins in your rectum and on your asshole. They’re like varicose veins you might see on a person’s legs only they’re in your butt. When bulging hemorrhoidal veins are irritated, they cause surrounding membranes to swell, burn, and itch. They can become pretty painful, and they can bleed too.

Hemorrhoids are caused by too much pressure in your rectum, forcing blood to stretch and bulge the walls of the veins, sometimes even rupturing them.

Frequent causes include:

  • Constant sitting
  • Straining with bowel movements (either from constipation or diarrhea)
  • Severe coughing
  • Heavy Lifting

What you can do to help:

  • Be sure your hole is clean after each bowel movement. Use a premoistened towelette, like baby wipes or Tucks for a thorough cleanup.
  • Avoid excessive rubbing and scratching.
  • Make sure the soap you use is scent and dye free.
  • Apply an ice pack to reduce swelling and follow this with a warm compress.
  • Take a sitz bath. Fill your bathtub with just enough warm water to cover your ass, add Epsom salts. Soak your sorry bum for about 15 minutes a couple times a day.

There are plenty of over-the-counter hemorrhoid treatments — ointments, creams, and suppositories. Give these a try, but if symptoms continue see a doctor. Any physician, including a general practitioner, will be able to diagnosis a case of hemorrhoids.

Name: Jon
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: LA
How can I make myself ejaculate harder and longer when doing masturbation?

Ever try “Edging”? This is a stop/start technique guaranteed to prolong the time it takes you to reach your climax. Grab your dick and begin to wank like usual. Only when you get near to cumming — stop stroking. After the urge to shoot subsides begin to slowly wank again. Every time you approach climax — stop the stroking. Repeat this whole ‘stop and start’ cycle for as many times as you would like. When ya finally shoot you’ll have a stronger orgasm and you’ll spew more spunk. Do an internet search for edging & masturbation, you’ll find a load of information posted by fellow edgers.

Another cool method is the “Squat ‘N Jerk”. Squat on the floor, and stretch your knees as far apart as possible. Lean against a wall if necessary. Feel the stretch in your feet, calves, thighs, taint and asshole. Begin your yank session. Try to keep your rod perpendicular to the ground as you stroke. Because of the tension in your fee, legs and butt, when you shoot you’ll be sure to get more bang for your buck. A variation on this technique is to squat on a dildo or a butt plug. ENJOY!

Name: Trev
Gender:
Age: 27
Location: Toronto
My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night and he punched me in the face. He lost his job about a month ago and since then he has been using drugs, mostly pot but sometimes speed too. When he gets depressed he gets angry and I have to stay out of his way. I’m worried about him but he won’t get help. He says he’s sorry about last night but it’s different when he is high. What can I do to help?

You could start by taking a long hard look at your own enabling behaviors. I can tell, even from this great distance, that you are a doormat. Remember, behind every abuser is an enabler. Behind every drunk and druggie there is an enabler. The fact that you are more concerned about your abusive BF welfare than your own safety tells me there is more to your unhealthy relationship than what you reveal here.

Many victims of abuse, and you are an abuse victim, Trev, believe the abuse is their fault. Regardless of how twisted your relationship may be, there is never sufficient cause for someone to punch his partner anywhere on his body, least of all in his face. Your BF has at least two major issues to deal with: a) his depression/anger/violence and b) his drug abuse. As you suggest these are related. You are neither well positioned nor well enough informed to assist him with either of his problems. In fact, as I say above, you are part of the problem.

You, on the other hand, have issues of your own that he can’t help you with, because he is part of your problem. Abusers often promise to change their behavior, and those empty promises often keep the victim from identifying the pattern of abuse in the relationship.

Anyone in a relationship that doesn’t have the emotional wherewithal to leave an abusive relationship needs help ASAP. Here’s a resource for you: The Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project.

Good Luck

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