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If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another!

Name: Julie
Gender:
Age: 26
Location: 41425
I am a virgin. I am also just asking How do I keep my first time from hurting? Some Say Lubrications in exess, but I am very small.

Yep, lots of lube is important — first time and every time. 05_10_12.jpg

But there is so much more you can do to prepare yourself for your first fuck. Begin by knowing your body and your sexual response cycle. Is it safe to assume, even though you are a virgin to full-on fucking, that you are familiar with masturbation? If not, darling, that’s where you should start. If you enjoy pleasuring your body to orgasm, you will likely know the kind of stimulation you need to achieve full arousal. This is precisely the information you will want to pass on to your partner before the fuck-fest begins as well as throughout the event.

The more you know about your body and the mysteries of your particular sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for you and your partner. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their first partnered sexual encounter uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.

Most women experience pain during fucking (for the first time or anytime) because of one of three basic reasons: 1) She is inexperienced, 2) Her partner is inexperienced or unversed about mutual pleasuring, 3) She is not fully aroused. Right away you can see how a familiarity with your body in general and your pussy in particular will short-circuit at least two of the three basic reasons right away. And while you can’t account for the sexual prowess of your partner, you will be able to direct him/her on how to touch and make love to you. And that, my dear, takes care of the third basic reason.

One other thing, a lot of women don’t relax during sex…thus discomfort…because they worry about becoming pregnant. If you’re not well versed on all methods of contraception and actually practicing one of them, you’re not ready to have sex. And one other thing, sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for both you and your partner. Don’t be a fuck-up; your partner ought always use a condom.

Name: Dave
Gender:
Age: 20
Location: Sydney
The other day I had to stop myself pissing mid-flow.. and god it hurt like fuck… felt like my ass was being tugged, from within. why does this happen? and can there be any damage from doing this at all?

Jeez, ya got me, pup! Was this some kind of muscle spasm? The muscles in your pelvic region, specifically your pubococcygeus muscle (or PC muscle), are responsible for stopping the flow of pee. Could you have injured or strained these muscles in some way? Has this happened before? One thing for sure, if this continues; have a doctor take a look right away.

Name: Drew
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: Idaho
Is there any way that I can increase my quality of orgasm? I’ve been having shitty orgasms for the last year, so shitty that they really shouldn’t be called orgasms. I’m on antidepressants (Effexor XR), and I fear that is a factor. I’m also having trouble keeping an erection, it never really gets fully hard and then kinda fades in and out over the course of masturbation or oral sex. Any ideas?

I think you put your finger on the problem right there. Antidepressants can sure enough fuck up a person’s sexual response cycle — interfering with both erections and orgasms. c917.jpg

Short of going off your meds, which I don’t advise…at least not without consulting your physician first…there are a few things you could try. I advise all my clients who are struggling with this same issue to use a cockring. It helps them get and keep a harder hardon. And of course, the more firm your rod, the more likely you will have a “quality” orgasm. I also encourage other clients on antidepressants to use a vibrator during their sex play…alone or with a partner(s). There are several different kinds — wands, dildos, eggs, bullets and plugs. Check out Dr Dick’s Stockroom for every imaginable kind. Of special interest for you might be The Rude Boy (C917)

Name: Jennifer
Gender:
Age: 42
Location: AZ
No joke, I am writing for my best friend who is a 41 year gay man and a virgin. He has never had any type of intercourse and has had brief foreplay with only a few. He can get erect when masterbating but not with a partner. He has tried to “wing it” and pick up men only to be “punched in the gut” again and again and again. He does not pick up anyone anymore because he considers it “false advertising”. He is super cute, very funny and works in the entertainment industry. He is so lonely and very depressed and completely against any type of medication. He wants to share his life with someone so bad. He says that no one has his problem and medical doctors say that the plumbing is fine. He seems to think that because he was able to masturbate at 8yrs old without a true erection that this ruined him. All my research points to performance anxiety and ED which he completely denies. He tried Viagra and that did not even work. Please share your best advice…I really want to help him. Thank you!!

My best advice? Okey dokey, here goes!

This boy needs a sex-positive therapist big time and right away. He is a freakin’ ball of sexual neurosis, for cryin’ out loud. However, the likelihood of your best friend actually seeking the help he so severely needs is nil. Especially since he can’t even cop to performance anxiety and ED issues with you.

And you know what, Jennifer? You may actually be enabling this dude’s dysfunction by allowing him kvetch about his love life…or lack there of. Lay down the law, darling. Tell this miserable wretch he needs to get professional help ASAP. If he refuses, cut him off from your shoulder to cry on. If he can’t grow a pair of cohunes and address his issues like a man, then you oughta grow a pair for him till he get a life. And that’s my best goddamn advice. So there!

Name: Rachel
Gender:
Age: 32
Location: Houston
I have the pleasure of dating (for the first time) a man who is uncircumcised (his foreskin completely covers his head. I love giving oral sex, but I’m a little intimidated. Lots of info on “cercumcised blow jobs” … not so much on Mr. natural. How do I blow his mind!

Doll, havin’ a natural man don’t make suckin’ his cock any different than suckin the cut variety. Except that you have a whole lot more delicious willie to play with. Let’s start with the basics. There’s no one best way to make oral love to a boner. No two cocksuckers will do it exactly the same way. But all have one thing in common, and that’s the desire to satisfy. Technique and position take a back seat to simply craving a cock in your mouth. We’re not talkin’ rocket science, girlfriend, it’s just a pecker and a mouth doin’ what comes natural.

vein.jpgBegin by taking a good look at the object of your desire. A big stiff woody with lace curtains is a wonder to behold. And even those little willies can be cute as hell. Visually explore the whole enchilada. Feel it’s shape, its thickness and texture. Sick a finger under his hood and trace his dick head. Nibble on his foreskin. Pull on it and stretch it out. He’ll be sure to let you know if you are doing too much.

Use your tongue to trace a line from his dick head down the underside of his shaft to his balls. Draw back his foreskin and slop your tongue all around his corona. As you do, watch your man’s eyes roll back in his head in ecstasy.

Let his cock slide inside your mouth. Let your lips slide over the head and down the shaft a little, but, for god’s sake, watch out for your teeth! Slide your mouth down farther and open wider. Feel the stretch in your jaws. When his dick gets close to your throat, you may begin to gag. This is a normal reflex that you will, in time, be able to control. Ask for some feedback on your efforts. Just don’t talk with your mouth full.

There are lots of other things you can do with your mouth. Lick his dick, suck on it and flick your tongue rapidly across the top of his dick. Or you can simply move your mouth up and down his joystick drawing his foreskin back and forth with your hand as you go.

Dive into his crotch, lick his inner thighs, lower belly, and slobber all over his nuts. Keep your mouth wet, a thick wad of saliva will add to the pleasure and eliminate irritation. Don’t be afraid to be sloppy. Increase your speed or slow it down. Fondle and cup his balls in your hand.

As your man is about to spew, he will become more excited and may start some pelvic thrusting. If he does and you start to gag, use your hand to guide his dick in and out of your mouth. Remember that you’re the one in charge here. Encircle your lips firmly around his cock and over your teeth. Keep the other parts of your mouth as relaxed as possible (actual “sucking” is unnecessary at this point). Keeping a regular rhythm is nice, but don’t let it get boring. If you vary your position and your stroke you won’t get fatigued.

Name: Bruce
Gender: male
Age: 19
Location: UK
What’s a PA? I sometimes see this abbreviation in online personals but I can’t figure it out. thanks

Well, Bruce, PA could mean a whole lot of things. It could be an abbreviation for Pennsylvania, public address system, personal assistant, parental advisory, pussy addict …hell, even Port Arthur, Texas.

pierced.jpgBut if I had to guess, you are referring to PA as in Prince Albert.

A PA is probably the most common male genital piercing. It enters the urethra and exits immediately behind the glans on the underside of the cock.

The Prince Albert Piercing, also known as a “Dressing Ring”, was apparently designed to strap the penis tightly against one’s leg to minimize the bulge caused by one’s rod when wearing the very tight trousers, which were fashionable during the Victorian era. We sure have a different ethinc about that today, huh?

As the rumor has it, Prince Albert, queen Victoria’s hubby, wore one of these little numbers to hold back his foreskin so he would keep his johnson sweet-smelling so as not to offend the Queen. What a fuckin’ gentleman!

Good luck ya’ll

A Helping Hand, or Two

Do you ever just need a hand getting a grip on a hard throbbing problem? Well never fear, sex fans, Dr Dick is here to lend a hand…or two to all you sexually worrisome out there.

Name: Jose
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Norwalk, CT
how can i approuch a good stripper to get into sex? even tho they just stripper some make rule but if stripper off work, would some of them willing to do it?

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that English is not your first language, right Jose? I think I understand what you are asking. Let’s just hope that the women you approach will also understand you meaning.

So OK, you know this fine stripper and you want to have sex with her, right? Alrighty then! First thing you oughta know is that not all strippers are hookers. Some simply strip because they make good money. And don’t sell sex, well because they don’t have to. The ones that do sell sex, don’t do so where they strip. It’s bad for business and, I also hasten to point out, it’s against the law.

live-girls.jpg
There are two good ways to go about this hunt for stripper sex. First, you could ask the vixen out on a real date. I think this is the best way of going about gettin laid by any woman. If this particular woman is available for a sexual liaison, and you’re not a totally creepy dick-head, she might take you up on the offer. Just remember, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fucking with customers. If that’s the policy at the joint you frequent, let it go. Don’t pester the woman for something that will jeopardize her job. If she does accept the date, and all goes well, and you charm the pants off her, you might just get a little bump and tickle. I hope we’re clear on the concept that if any woman, especially a sex worker, accepts a dinner invitation it is not the same thing as saying she’ll fuck you, right? GOOD!

The second option is to ask the stripper if she does escort work on the side. Again, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fraternizing with customers in any way, shape or form, especially fucking them. You ought to know that if the woman in question is indeed an escort as well as a stripper, your “date” with her is gonna cost ya, don’t ‘cha know. These women are professionals; you’d do well to treat them with the respect you’d offer any professional woman.

Never, under any circumstance, offer to pay this woman…or any woman…for sex. That would be inviting prostitution, and that’s against the law — except if you’re in Nevada. If the woman in question is an escort, she will be exchanging her time and expertise for money; not sex for money. Get it? If she’s smart she won’t give you a second chance to get this right if you fuck up asking her the first time.

My advice to you is, figure out ahead of time which way you want to go — date or escort. Then approach her like a gentleman. If she’s not interested, respect her decision to decline your offer with some grace and dignity.

Good luck

Name: john
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: california
my penis when erect is slightly bent to left what should i do? will there be any problem while having sex?

You haven’t seen a lot of stiffies on other guys, have you John? Most straight guys are unaware of how their cock compares to other dude’s. If a guy, like you, doesn’t have a frame of reference, so to speak, he may even think his unit is abnormal. The fact is many men have curved cocks. Some curve to the left, and others to the right. Some curve up, some curve down.

wet.jpg
You’re clear on the concept of what creates wood, right? An erection occurs when two tubular structures that run the length of the penis, the corpora cavernosa, become engorged with blood. Imagine your cock is a baloon with two separate inflatable tubes on either side. If you put more air pressure on one side of the balloon than the other, the baloon will curve. Simple as all that! Many guys believe that a bent cock is caused by wearing tight briefs instead of boxers or that it’s caused by circumcision. These are myths. However, excessive, rough or heavy-handed masturbation during one’s youth can promote a curvature later in life. That’s why I always promote handling one’s pecker with care.

Since you say your dick curves only slightly to the left, I’m pretty sure this natural variation won’t be a problem in partnered sex.

Good luck

Name: Bryan
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Melbourne, Australia
I live about 45 mins outside the city and have always had a weight problem. I found that the easiest way for me to get off (or the only option for a long time) was to meet guys at beats or online. These were never really guys that I found attractive, and ones that I felt that I was simply resorting to to fulfil my needs. I also found myself taking a submissive role rather than my preferred top, just in order to get sex. Now that I am older, I am able to meet guys that I actually like, however I find that it takes forever for me to come. I like being active but I can never come just from sex, and even when I get head jobs, I cant come just from head jobs, I end up needing to jerk myself off and it takes a very very long time. I cant help but be cerebral and need to think for a long time to create a scene, something that I needed to do when I didnt find the guys attractive, but I cant stop this now when I actually do like them. Also, I cant come unless I am lying on my back and jerking off. Which is difficult as I like being dominant and active. A part of me thinks that it’s because I jerk off too much, or because I have needed to play the submissive role for so long. I have spoken to friends and the idea that because I dont find feminine guys attractive and the very role of having anal sex psychologically associates the other guy as taking a feminine role within my head and thus a turn off has been suggested. Whereas some friends have said that maybe I just dont feel that I deserve to be able to take that active role because of my attachments to past sexual experiences in my earlier youth. Im studying some psychology at university and am trying to make sense of it all but I just cant, and I am tired of apologising to guys when they cant make me cumm from blow jobs or sex, and that I have to do it myself and they are detached to the role of a lesser important role of oral contact in another manner just so that they are involved in someway in the process. I just want to be able to come while having sex or having a blow job and not lying on my back, and not taking forever and a day. I do like these guys that I am seeing now, and this issue I feel has always put pressure on my sexual relationships.

I caution you to not read too much into your inability to cum through oral sex, or than in any other position than on your back. No need to psychoanalyze yourself or look too deeply into your sexual past to find the root of this problem. While you mindset and your past behaviors may impact on your current performance, you should know that lots of men, with very different sexual histories than yours, have a similar inability to cum in any other way than on their back and with their own hand.sin_20nombre.jpg

If this is so disturbing for you, you can learn different behaviors that may, in time, allow you to cum in the position and by an activity that you prefer — like standing up for a blow job. But I suggest that you’ll never accomplish this if you think you are defective, or that some deep psychological trauma is the root of your dissatisfaction.

Why not just chalk your concerns up to a natural variation on male sexual response cycle. Expanding one’s sexual repertoire is best accomplished with some patience and a whole lot of practice. Being ashamed of yourself or belittling yourself for what you perceive as an inadequacy will completely sabotage any effort you might make to change your sexual patterns.

Good luck

ATTENTION SHOPPERS!

So many people are writing in for information about sex toys — What are they? Where can I get ‘em? How do I work one of these? Can you suggest a good one? Do these things really work? — that I’ve decided to inaugurate a new feature here on Dr Dick Sex Advice SEX TOY AWARENESS. Just like another popular feature — The Sexual Enhancement Tutorials — the STA will be chock-full of swell information while being downright entertaining.

Here’s what I’m gonna do. Thanks to Dr Dick’s Stockroom I have the wherewithal to SHOW & TELL you everything you need to know to make an intelligent decision about buying a quality sex toy. And you can shop at Dr Dick’s Stockroom with confidence. We carry the best quality and widest variety of sex toys for adventurous men and women. The service is prompt, convenient and responsive. We never share information about our customers with anyone, and all orders are shipped in discrete packaging. What more could one ask?

drdicksstockroom.jpg

So, sex fans, I hope you will find my SEX TOY AWARENESS postings helpful (and entertaining) and that you will enjoy shopping at my store.

Name: Tadd
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: Arizona
In one of your podcasts you told some guy about a strap on kit he could buy for his GF. Could you repeat that? I’ve been trying to find one.

I think you are referring to my 04/09/07 podcast. I responded to Karol from Poland inquiry about a strap-on kit. I said: “As to your question about a strap-on and what a guy should know about buying one for his female partner. That’s another really goodb664.jpg question. I suspect the overriding concern for the amateur butt pirate is to get his gal a comfortable harness that can accommodate a couple different sized dildos. May I turn you attention to the Dr dick’s Stockroom banner on the left hand side of www.drdicksexadvice.com. Click through there and search for the Bend Over Beginner Harness Kit (B664). The good people at JT’s have painstakingly put together everything you need for your first pegging!”

  • Is there someone in your life who is curious about strapping it on, but doesn’t know quite where to begin? Well, we have the perfect starter kit! Everything a beginning sensuous player would need to strap it on is included in this package (except their favorite water-soluble lubricant – sold separately).
  • This strap-on harness is low-riding with a fuzzy, deep purple velvet front and highly adjustable nylon straps. The kit has 2 color coordinated, shimmery purple dildos. These hypoallergenic silicone dildos are shaped and sized appropriately for those just beginning anal play adventures. The smaller is approximately 4″ long and 3⁄4″ wide, while the larger one is 5″ long and 11⁄4″ wide.
  • A powerful variable-speed mini-vibe sits in a secret pocket behind the dildo to give the wearer an extra jolt of fun. The straps are adjustable, fitting up to 50″ hips. The 11⁄2″ O-ring can be exchanged for play with other sized dildos (sold separately). Washable, smart, and sexy. Bottom line – this is one hot strap-on package!

Good luck

Name: Jordan
Age: 19
Location: Michigan
What is a cockring and how does it work?

Holy cow, Jordan, where to begin. Every man should know about cockrings. Cockrings, in one form or another, have been around for as long as there have been cocks…and that’s a pretty long time, don’t ‘cha know! They are low-tech, but extremely effective means of getting it up and keeping it hard.

Cock rings can create larger, harder erections. Since blood flow enters your dick through arteries deep inside your dick, and leaves it through the veins on the outside of your tool, wearing a cock ring can help to keep more blood inside your dick shaft. And as all you rocket scientists know blood is what causes erections in the first place. Some men claim that wearing a cock ring intensifies their orgasm.

I recommend the flexible and/or adjustable cockrings. These are generally made of

b642.jpg

stretchable rubber or leather. Let’s take a look as some now. First, the Neoprene Cock Ring (B642).

  • This light yet durable cock ring is made of neoprene – an oil-resistant substitute for natural rubber. Neoprene displays outstanding physical toughness and resistance to damage caused by flexing and twisting. It is an extremely versatile synthetic rubber with 70 years of proven performance in a broad industry spectrum.

Next, we have these festive little numbers, Gummy Cock Rings (B170)

b170.jpg

  • Fruity-colored cockrings with multiple soft knobs. When unstretched, it fits snugly around a pinky finger. When stretched, it can expand to a surprising diameter. Once removed, the ring will slowly contract to its original size. One size fits all.

For the more butch among us we have this handsome devil — Leather Cock Ring w/ Pyramid Studs (A413)

a413.jpg

  • This ring comes with pyramid-stud hardware for that extra-macho look. It measures 9/16″ and sports three snaps to adjust the size for a snug fit.

For the more daring there are the metal variety. They may look pretty, but they’re a bitch to put on and to take off. Here’s how ya do it.

1. Pull your ball sack through the ring first.
2. Follow this by popping each of your balls through the ring one at a time.
3. Now bend your cock down and pull it through the ring.

Let’s take a look at some of these. First, the standard Aluminum Cock Ring (A888)a888.jpg

  • This style of Cock Ring is a significant improvement over the standard steel O-ring. Since it is made of aluminum, it is very lightweight and perfectly smooth, as no connector seam is necessary.
  • Sizing hint: Measure the circumference of (the distance around) the erect penis at the place where you want the ring to go. Divide by 3.1 and you have a ballpark number for the diameter of a snug-fitting ring.

b352.jpgThen there’s “cockring as fashion statement” — Teardrop Cock Rings (B352)

  • The Teardrop Cock Ring is worn around the cock and balls, but what makes this cock ring different is that it gently massages the perineum (the spot between the balls and anus) and other erogenous zones. It is made out of anodized aluminum, which is lighter and smoother than its chrome-plated counterparts, and preferable for people who have nickel allergies.

It’s absolutely essential that you not wear this kind of ring for longer than a couple hours. Make sure you don’t buy one that is too small either. If your dick is turning an angry red or worse, purple, or it is cold to the touch, you’re in trouble. Take that ring off immediately. If you don’t you will risk serious injury to your precious dick.

Good luck.

Name: Betty
Age: 22
Location: Fremont CA
I think my roommate is a lesbian. She hasn’t come right out and said so and I don’t know how to ask. Her birthday is coming up and I thought I would get her a sexy toy or something to let her know that it’s ok to talk to me about sex and stuff. Do you think I should get her a dildo? What kind of dildos do lesbians like?

Jeez Betty, how the fuck should I know what lesbians like? I’m pretty well versed on most things sexual, but even I am at a loss when it comes to the mind of a lesbian. I just put in a call to my favorite lesbiaterian, the magnificent Diana, for the 411 on toys for dykes and dyke wannabees.

b367.jpgIf you don’t want to be too provocative in your gift giving, Diana suggests you start out with a — I Rub My Duckie Vibe (B367)

  • These floating, waterproof little guys sit by your bath, jacuzzi, or bed with nothing more than those big innocent blue eyes to give away their real purpose in life!
  • Squeeze their backs and watch your smile grow as they seduce you and massage your tensions away. Waterproof On-Off Switch. Strong but quiet motor. Requires two AA batteries (included).

If you really want to pitch your friend an unambiguous message, Diana suggests a — b193.jpg

Vibratex Rabbit Habit (B193)

  • This vibrator does everything! It has three functions. The shaft gyrates and is bendable with a wire inside to keep its angle. Mid-way down, there’s a capsule of pea-sized pearls that rotate around the shaft for an undulating/ripple effect. And the bunny vibrates for clitoral stimulation.

If this doesn’t do the trick, Betty, nothing will.

Good luck

Name: Gary
Age: 58
Location: Tampa
I’m a widower; my wife of 29 years died a little over a year ago. I’m just now getting back into the swing of thing. The sex I had with my wife was very conventional now I want to try something different. I want to go to a dominatrix. I’ve always had a fantasy about a woman owning and punishing my privates. It’s a big turn on. Is there anything I should know about this?

I love it; another kinkster in the making. Coming out as a perv is better done late than b702.jpgnever, in my opinion. My first suggestion is that you find a better term for your privates than “privates”. You sound like your mommy. I suggest cock and balls, it pretty much says it all very succinctly.

Have you done your homework in terms of finding the right dominatrix? I suppose you have at least a couple in mind, right? Might I suggest that when you make contact with one or another of these professional women that you be very specific about what you want and how you want it.

Here’s a tip…a good submissive, or sub — that’s you, Gary, will want to bring his dominatrix, or dom a little gift to start things off on the right foot. May I suggest this little number: A Male Chastity Kit (B702).

  • It represents the latest design in modern male chastity. The natural flow of lines in this model represents the penis and conforms to the body. The slim, smooth lines permit this device to be worn easily under clothing. It is slightly vented with curving lines and custom openings for comfort and hygiene. The material, a highly durable transparent polycarbonate, is functional and appealing, and its strength exceeds that of acrylic and many other plastic blends.

Good luck

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

Today, I will start with a declaration. A “Thus Sayth Doctor Dick,” sorta deal. I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. I reject the concept of sex addiction, that is floating around in the popular culture these days. I know this will rankle a bunch of you, but you need to get over it. Ya see, there ain’t no such thing as a sex addiction. Period!

That being said, I hasten to add that there are sexual compulsions, plenty of ‘em. However, compulsions are not addictions and addictions, while they may involve irresistible impulses, are not the same thing as compulsions. Get it? Got it? Good!

Check it out. With the help of my handy-dandy dictionary, a good place to start in all such discussions, I discovered these two very distinct definitions.

Addiction — a need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. Broadly: persistent use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. A state of physiological and psychological dependence on a drug.

Compulsive — driven by an irresistible inner force to do something; i.e. a compulsive liar.See! Different words. Different meanings. Not a particularly complex notion to grasp, right?

And listen, just because a bunch of pseudo-intelligent afternoon talks show hosts banter the two concepts about like they were interchangeable doesn’t make it so. In fact, we do ourselves a huge disservice by jumbling these two very specific concepts. Because finding the proper intervention for either an addiction or a compulsive behavior will be as specific as the problem itself. One thing is for certain; misidentifying one of the things, as the other will surly complicate the problem solving. It’s kinda like going to the doctor with a headache, and when the doc asks where it hurts, you point to your stomach. It simply won’t do.

Dear Dr. Dick, I’ve been married for 5 years now and truly love my wife, however I can never seem to get enough sex. I am 30 and she’s 29, but I constantly find myself in the chat rooms and porn sites lookin for more sex. It’s more than just a hobby; it’s a habit! And if I have a few cocktails in me, and that happens more and more, I really can’t stop myself. I once lost a job once because I used the work computer to search the web for sex. It’s like I’m addicted to sex. My wife knows I have played around (we even did a 3-way once and it was totally hot) but she has no idea how extreme it’s become. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m not unhappy with my wife. I just can’t seem to stop wanting sex. Any suggestions?   — Brian

Dear Brian,

You got it bad, and that ain’t good!porn.jpg

It’s interesting to note that you tell me about your compulsive sexual behavior in the same breath that you claim to love your wife. Love and sex are two very different things. And as you’ve probably guessed already, there’s no necessary connection between the two. Sometimes they go together, but not always. So it is possible to love someone dearly and deeply, but still be consumed with pursuing sex with others.

It appears to me that you’ve really got two problems happening simultaneously. First, your compulsive prowling of the internet for sex. (This is complicated by your alcohol abuse.) Second, the deception you’re practicing on your wife. Let’s deal with each of these in turn.

Your particular sexual activity, like any compulsive behavior (over eating, excessive shopping, etc.), is more than just a bad habit. It’s a serious dysfunction. Take it from me, breaking this behavior pattern will be very difficult, if not impossible, without some professional help. If the problem is as serious as you say, then you’d better seek help right away. This sort of thing, if left untreated, will not only destroy your marriage; it will ruin your life. When you seek professional help, I encourage you to include information about your alcohol consumption. If there is an addiction in all of this, it’s the alcohol, not the sex. And in your case, your (alcohol) addiction may be fueling your (sex) compulsion.

Look for a sex-positive therapist, someone who has experience working with other people similarly challenged. A support group may also be an option. Since you’re not alone in this, there is probably a group already meeting in where you live. You’ll need to do some legwork to uncover these resources, but I promise you it will be well worth your effort.

Now, regarding your relationship. It’s imperative that you come clean with your wife about your (sex) compulsion and probable (alcohol) addiction. Not only will you feel better not having to deceive her anymore, but you’ll also need her support in overcoming these problems. I suggest that you attend to this right away. There’s not a moment to lose.

Good luck

Hey doc! I think I’m addicted to having sex on the internet. I haven’t told my partner. Do you think this is a form of cheating or is it just harmless fun? I like getting off with guys in chat rooms and with my webcam. I feel guilty about it so I guess this tells me something!— Luke

Dear Luke,

You’re having what is commonly known as cyber sex, right? If that’s a good call on myfingering.jpg part, I don’t consider it a form of “cheating” on your partner, any more than I would consider jerking off to porn to be cheating. (We’ll address this notion of cheating in a later column.)

However, your feelings of guilt are another thing all together. They tell me that you are not at peace with your sexual practices. Maybe you need to take a look at this. Are your cyber pursuits a serious concern? Do you squander your sexual energy on cyber sex, instead of sharing it with your partner? Only you can determine this for sure. I can assure you that the guilt feelings will continue to plague you until you dump the sexual practices that are hurtful to you and those you love, and integrate healthier ones in their place.

Good luck

Hi Dr. Dick, My boyfriend cheats on me. Every time he does he begs me for forgiveness. I think ok, but don’t do that again. I love him, but I hate feeling bad all the time. I feel stupid putting up with all of this, but I can’t leave him. I still love him. Please give me some advice. Thank You. Hope to here from you soon, Denise

Dear Denise,cunny_illus.jpg

Before we turn our attention to your boyfriend, let me make a quick observation about you, Denise. You’re a mess, girl! I mean really, take a long hard look at yourself, you’re a freakin’ doormat! How’s the BF supposed to respect you when you have no respect for yourself? How can you say that you love a person that makes you feel bad? You are deceiving yourself, girlfriend, cuz LOVE don’t ever make you feel bad.

As screwed up as your BF is, and he is pretty fucked up, he is just part of the problem. You’ve got some obsession issues yourself that you need to address.Your boyfriend probably has you pegged as a pussy…and not in a good way. He knows you will tolerate his misbehavior, which of course gives him permission to do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feel like doing it. If you’re really serious about reining in the bastard, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate. Until you do precisely that he’ll just think that he can roam wherever he wants and whenever he wants.

There are root causes for his behavior, just like there is a root cause for your behavior. To get to the bottom of all of this each of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy with a therapist. One can only hope that there’s a bank of goodwill between the two of you, enough to carry the day. However, if I had to guess, I’d say there was a slim to no chance for that, right? If so, I advise you throw the bum out. And no more relationships for you till you get your head screwed on tighter.

Good Luck

IM Distress Signals

When I first began writing this advice column, back in the Paleolithic era, most correspondence came via snail mail. Those were the days, huh? Email replaced letters as the dominant means of communication about 8 years ago, and so it remains today. Lately, there’s been yet another innovation — the Instant Messenger. Never fear, Dr Dick stands at the ready to console and advise even at cyber speed.
Instant messenger technology allows me to do something I’ve never been able to do before, save the whole shebang as a single document. This, dear readers, will provide you, as you will see below, an intimate vantage point to a crisis as it is being reveled.
What follows is an abridged version of an exchange I recently had with a good friend. This is someone I deeply respect and admire. However, my friend has been through a terrible lot this past year and the signs of stress are beginning to show. His judgment, generally razor sharp, is now clouded and he is consumed with self-doubt.

William: Hey Dick, I have a question. Do you know the current social standards surrounding marijuana use?

DD: Are there current standards? I didn’t get the memo.

William: Smart ass!
Let me put it a different way, is daily, long-term use of pot a sign of an addiction?

DD: Probably. Certainly designates one as a heavy user.
There is a simple test. Can/will the user go 48hrs without?

William: Here’s the deal, a guy I hang with smokes every time we get together. He says it relaxes him after a hard day. I told him I thought that was a rationalization. I don’t drink daily; so I have to deal with life as it presents itself, rough edges and all.

DD: I guess you told him, huh?

William: I know I can’t drink every day without it becoming a problem for me, but am wondering if pot smokers think daily usage is different than what I think about daily drinking?

DD: See my comments above.

William: My friend’s paternal grandfather was an alcoholic; his dad neverglory_hole_d29.jpg drank. My friend admits to doing 200 hits of acid in high school and crystal when first arriving in town 10 years ago. He claims he hasn’t done either for 7 years.
Trouble is my Dad was an angry alcoholic so this guy’s marijuana use triggers feelings of abandonment and flashbacks of abuse in me.

DD: Right about now you should be hearing yourself say out loud: “Whoops, where did I put my car keys? Gotta run! Call me when you get home from Betty Ford”

William: I confronted my friend about his pot consumption and he got all defensive. He countered with, “what am I supposed to do, not smoke while you’re around? He was already high when we had this exchange. He said I should have warned him about not smoking before he rolled the joint he just smoked.

DD: Wait a minute; he’s saying his drug “(ab)use” is now your issue? Why does this stink to high-heaven?
Here’s a tip; don’t be surprised when you confront a pot-head, while he’s ripped, about his habit and he gets, as you say, “all defensive”.
William, I’m pretty confident that was not a teachable moment, don’t you agree?

William: The problem is he’s generally stoned by the time we get together, so there’s no real good time to talk to him.
I even entertained the idea of smoking with him to get in the same mind set. Instead, I drank a half a bottle of wine. I realized later that both options were self-defeating.

DD: At least you’re clear on that. In this instance, sinking to the lowest common denominator is not a good idea.

William: Bottom line is I feel he needs to smoke to be around me.

DD: I suggest that he needs to smoke around everyone and everything, not just you.

William: I am thinking this is an indicator of his low-self esteem.

DD: You betcha! Aren’t all addictions?

William: Maybe I am projecting.

DD: What if you are? It doesn’t diminish the fact you called it right.

William: I also questioned what type of relationship we are forming if all our time together happens while he’s in an altered state.

DD: That’s easy, a codependent one!

William: I’ve been thinking, maybe he needs to smoke to have sex. Maybe that’s the only way he can cope with his guilt or shame. When he smokes he likes to top me. But when I top him, he’s a very passive. I told him what I like sexually, so he knows. But he doesn’t even try to please me. He doesn’t play with my nips when I top, which is the only way I can cum. When I bottom it’s simply out of desire for intimacy, it doesn’t do anything for me sexually.

DD: YIKES! Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Like my momma always used to say, “if it has four wheels or a dick you know you’re gonna have trouble with it.”

William: For example, when I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wantedmale_art2.jpg sexually the other night, I shut down. I got him off and he fell asleep.
He knows me well enough to know when I’m pissed. So the next time we were together, he asked if he had done something wrong. He’s a fuckin’ genius! He asked if he had been too passive as a bottom. Unfortunately, he was pretty stoned at this point, so I thought any further discussion would be fruitless.

DD: Again, YIKES! Any more red flags and this would be a Chinese New Year Parade, for christ sake!

William: If I dump him, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?

DD: Darlin’, there is no baby in the bath water! There’s just a fucked up stoner dude who is taking you for a ride. He’s welcome to live his life as he so chooses. You, on the other hand, need to find someone a less fucked up.

William: I like him, he is smart, affectionate and we have the same analytical way of thinking.

DD: When he’s not stoned, ya mean.
Here’s a suggestion, why not keep him as a friend. Have dinner together occasionally, enjoy his sparkling conversation and then, quick as you can, get back in your car and go home.

William: He takes care of my physical needs, except sexually. There is, after all, more to a relationship than sex.

DD: EXCEPT SEXUALLY????? That’s like saying he takes care of your nutrition needs, except for the protein and carbohydrates. Sheesh!
You’re right, there is more to a healthy relationship than sex. But given that you are an intensely sexual man, why would you start a relationship with a deficit like this?

William: This is triggering my deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which I fully accept as my own shit. I want to please him, so I did not ask him to stop smoking around me. But I did tell him how “not present” he is to me when he smokes prior to sex.

DD: I am so amazed that you are bottoming for this dude. What’s up with that? You hate being a bottom. Listen darlin’, you are way too needy at this point to be looking to someone like this to even begin to meet your needs.

William: He said that he did not think his personality changed when he smokes. But yet he thinks people liked him better when he’s got a buzz on.

DD: Where did you find this guy? Does he live under a bridge?

William: Is this a glitch in a new relationship? Do you think I should hang in there during this adjustment period?

DD: This is scariest thing you’ve said up to this point.
GLITCH??? Are you serious? Does a stripped down, burnt out skeleton of a car on the what_a_ride.jpgside of the road, suggest to you that the owner is having a problem with his windshield wipers? Good lord, man, what can you be thinking?
What follows comes from the deepest recesses of my heart, William. I put this out there because you are my friend. The fellow you describe would be a handful for you if you were at your peak of your emotional and psychological powers. But even then, I’d suggest you avoid him like the plague.
But now, dear William, you are in crisis. You’ve had a terrible lot happen to you this past year. You are hanging on by a thread. I support and encourage all your efforts to find your balance in your life once again, because you are a good and resilient person.
I empathize with your desire to connect with someone who will love you, stand by you and care for you during this difficult time. This is decidedly not the time to be taking on dead weight.
Look to yourself, care for yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself, heal yourself. Come back to us refreshed and whole. Then, and only then, will you be able to take on a complete wreck of a project like this dude.
Count on me to walk through this with you. Thanks for letting me be part of your life. Remember, I’m only as far away as your Instant Messenger.

Over and Out!

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