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Pesky Pronouns

Name: Lynn
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Eugene, OR
I have a friend who is driving me (us) crazy. She is my age and we’ve been best friends since grade school. Last year I came out to her as a lesbian and she was very supportive and loving. This year it’s her turn. She cut her hair really short and now only wears men’s clothes. Thing is, she’s not gay, or lesbian. In fact, she doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. As far as I know she’s still a virgin. She told me that she’s gender queer. I was like, OK cool. Then she changed her name and wanted all her friends to call her by her new gender-neutral name. I was like, OK cool. Now she wants us to use gender-neutral pronouns—they, their, and them when referring to “her.” This just sounds dumb. I want to be loving and supportive of her, like she was for me, but I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s like this whole thing is an act, like she is trying to see how much attention she can get. A lot of our friends have just given up on her, but I don’t want to do that. At the same time it’s like she’s mocking our trans friends who have real gender concerns. Am I being a dick for not wanting to go along with this?

Curious word choice there, young lesbian Lynn. Are you being a dick? Hell, I don’t know. What I can say for certain is, if we were being totally politically correct, we wouldn’t use euphemisms for our genitals in a derogatory way, right? Luckily, I’m not the least bit PC as you will discover from my comments below.gender-fuck

The question you raise in your email is a thorny one and I’m not sure I know how to respond. Gender is the new hot button issue and it is rapidly becoming the litmus test for PC crowd. As you suggest, it sometimes looks as though some folks are just trying to get attention or see how much the traffic will bear.

I’m going to be pretty self-referential in my response because I feel like I’ve been here before. Let me explain.

When I was about your age and into my early 20’s the modern gay lib movement here in the US was just finding its footing. Stonewall had just happened and those of us on the sexual fringe were tying to come up with a new vocabulary with which to talk about ourselves. No one I knew liked the term homosexual for obvious reasons. Some of us, myself included, preferred the term, homophile. The difference being one was about loving, the other was about sex. That term didn’t catch on, but “gay” sure did. I was fine with that, even though it wasn’t my first choice. As I began to take a closer look at my sexual orientation and identity, I became a bit more radical; gay just didn’t cut it anymore. I began to embrace the term “queer.”

look!When I was a boy, the term queer, often directed at me because I wasn’t like the other boys, was hate-filled and hurtful. It stung and I was ashamed. By my mid 20’s, however, I was no longer ashamed. In fact, I was full of a new found fervor that was connected to my new found identity as a sexual outlaw. I know for certain that my radicalness was a little off-putting to some people, even people who wanted to love and support me.

After I passed through my militancy stage, I continued to use the term queer to describe myself as a way of showing the world that I had reclaimed and detoxified the word that once brought me shame. It became my own personal badge of honor.  Maybe you’ve had a similar ark in your coming out, Lynn.

The curious thing is I’ve lived long enough to see the term I fought so hard to reclaim morph yet again. Nowadays, when someone self-identifies as queer, more often than not, it has to do with gender; it no longer has a strong sexual connotation. I feel a little bummed about this because one of my favorite words has been coopted by another group of people.  But that’s the nature of language, right?Gender-Outlaws6

Over the decades since I first began to struggle with who I was and how I would talk about myself to others, I’ve seen numerous fracturing of the solidarity we sexual outlaws might have had. There was a virulent strain of lesbian separatism that cropped up in the mid 70’s. But most of that has dissipated since. And there was the radicalism that came with HIV/AIDS, which turned quiet, unassuming, cocktail sipping homos into fearless street fighters. That too has played itself out. In fact, now that marriage equality is all the rage, some of us old queers are asking if it’s still possible to be a sexual outlaw by just being gay. I fear not. Apparently, gender benders are the new sexual outlaws. OK, my time has past; I get it. I have no hard feelings, but I do have a wistfulness for days gone by.

It’s also been my experience that some of us, and I include my younger self in this category, have an uncanny ability to alienate loads of people with our politics. That can be a good thing, but radicalism can, and often does, alienate those who would naturally be our allies as well as some of those who struggle next to us. There’s nothing more devastating to a popular movement than having a bunch of edgier-than-thou folks setting themselves up as the thought police. When this happens, as it always does, it suggests to me that we are more interested in making a point than making a connection. This is a particularly acute problem for the newly liberated crowd, often found on college campuses. They are flush with indignation as they discover that life is not fair. They tend to use the scattergun approach when doling out their fury regardless if those around them are deserved of their wrath or not.

fuck genderThe current incarnation of the gender liberation movement suffers from a lot of the excesses that other liberation movements have experienced before it—intolerance and dogmatism among them. The thing is, gender-fuck has a long history and an honored place in sexual politics. However, in the past, this has mostly expressed itself in street theater. Nowadays, there is precious little humor among the new gender warriors, and very few of these zealots can laugh at themselves. That tells me we’re all in for a very rough ride ahead.

I know how important a shift in vocabulary is to making the dominant culture see its oppression, but the pronoun thing is just awkward. For one thing, there’s no agreement on what pronouns to use for those who are rallying for gender neutrality. Some people militate for they, their, and them. Others want the even more extreme “ze,” pronounced as the letter zee. And “hir,” pronounced here. As in, “Ze went to the store and bought hirself an ice cream cone.” Well, if you wanna do that to the language go right ahead, but I refuse!

Besides, are we just supposed to use these twisted pronouns when the gender warrior is in our company, or are we to alter our vocabulary even when they aren’t around? Try using they, their, and them when referring to someone who isn’t present. Confusion will reign.gender neutral pronouns

Lynn, I don’t know your friend so I can hardly make a call on whether your friend is being authentic, disingenuous, or histrionic. But I don’t think you should beat yourself up if you draw the line at a pronoun shift. If your friend takes offense, as well your friend might, you could always compromise and use no pronouns ever in relation to your friend. Simply use your friend’s chosen name each time a pronoun might serve you better. In time, this will surely get exhausting for both you and your friend. But maybe this exercise will help your friend see that you are not the enemy and maybe your friend will then cut you a little slack.

Good luck

Spank me, daddy!

Name: Karla
Gender: female
Age: 32
Location: Quebec
I think I want to try spanking. I never tried it, but it gets me hot thinking about it. I think my partner might be up for it, but I have yet to ask him. I thought I’d ask you first. What are your thoughts about spanking?

If you’ve been a bad girl, Karla, then I think you definitely need a spanking. Have you been naughty, Karla? Precisely how naughty have you been, Karla? Everyone here at Dr Dick Sex Advice wants to know!spank

Spanking is a very popular fetish, one that can be enjoyed with or without sex. At the same time, spanking might be a little risky if you entrust the task to someone who doesn’t know what she or he is doing. Of course, it’s not particularly difficult to learn the basics. So just for you, wayward Karla, I’m gonna offer a brief sexual enrichment tutorial on erotic spanking. YEAH!

Usually a hand or a paddle of some sort is used for spanking. This is different from whipping and flogging, which are much more advanced techniques than your garden-variety spanking. We’ll leave these techniques for another time.

There are two musts in this kind of power play:

  1. The spanker must always inquire about the health of the spankee before the play begins.
  2. Both participants must always agree on a safeword before the play begins. A safeword is a code word that the spankee will use as she is reaching a physical, emotional or moral boundary, or for when she wants the spanker to stop the play.

The safeword will be a word that spankee would not ordinarily use during the play, like “pickles.” This extraordinary word allows the spankee to scream “no, stop”, “Please, don’t!” etc. as much as she/he wants without really meaning it, and still have a way to stop the play when necessary.

435_girlshyspanking.jpgIf you actually get around to enticing your partner to join you for a little spanking entertainment, make sure the first adventure is fun for all. I suggest that the spanking be part of a role-play scenario that you and your BF develop together. Your partner may need lots of positive reinforcement, particularly if he reluctant to join you in your kink. Keep telling him how much fun you’ll both have in the role-play. For example, you could be the naughty schoolgirl and your partner could be the stern headmaster. Really get into your roles; you’ll both need to dress the part, of course. You—sexy short pleated Catholic schoolgirl skirt, anklets and trashy high-heels. Him—the domineering teacher in a drab, no-nonsense grey suit. Get the picture?

The headmaster calls you into his office for a corrective interview. He needs to teach you a lesson. He puts you over his knee. He’ll do lots of bottom rubbing first, as he’s lecturing you on your bad behavior. As he gets into it, he’ll be getting turned on too. “It will be a shame to spank this beautiful bottom of yours,” he’ll coo. “This is going to hurt me as much as it hurts you!”…that sort of thing. He’ll finger your pretty panties, but won’t remove them. He’ll start spanking very gently at first. Light taps on the fleshy part of your ass cheeks. If you want more, start wiggling into the spanking. Remember to stay in character. “No, Mr. Hardwood, that hurts, please don’t touch me there! Grind into his lap. Your body language will communicate your desire for him to continue and possibly intensify the spanking.

To insure the comfort of your partner, set some ground rules for your first play session. Don’t’ do bare-bottom spanking until he readily indicates his willingness to do so. If your partner is a feminist, this whole spanking thing may go against the grain for him. So remind him this is fantasy role playing; not real life.

The more you get into your roles, the more likely he’ll get into his roles — Catholic schoolgirl/Father Flanagan, slutty patient/naughty doctor — you get the idea. The more you please him, the better he’ll please you.

You’ll want to reward your partner for his participation. After the first session take him to dinner. Ask him for his reactions. What could you have done to make the scenario more pleasurable for him? Talk about your reactions. Tell him how much you appreciated his participation. Talk about the scenario and how well he did. Tell him what you liked most about the spanking itself. If you sense that he’s content with events thus far, you could plan for more.

Xcite six spanking stories cover spanked.jpeg bottoms up spanking good erotica guide to spanking     Schoolgirls Spanking

Set aside a couple of role-play evenings in the coming weeks. If he continues to be open and receptive, you can add more and more spanking, different implements, a ruler, a hairbrush, a paddle. If you want spankings on other parts of your body, tits, pussy, and the like introduce those slowly. The intensity of the spanking needs to be adjusted to more sensitive parts of the anatomy. Make sure there’s lots of feedback happening before and after each play session.

Spanking is a full-fledged fetish with loads of spanking associated erotica. It goes from mild to wild. Do some exploring together your BF. Check out some short stories, magazines or videos. You might want to include some of the hot girl-on-girl stuff for his benefit. Always talk about spanking in a positive way as something that is fun and enjoyable for both of you. Remember to also attend to your partner’s fantasies and the things that turn him on too. Who knows, there may be a time when the roles reverse and you could take your turn as the top and he the bottom. How fun would that be?

Like I said at the beginning, spanking is a stand-alone fetish, it may be a part of full-on sex, or it may be just a bonding thing between you and your partner.

In the end, introducing your partner to your kink is one of those — “Give To Get” things. Be attentive to him. Make sure he knows he’s the most special person in your life. The more satisfied he is; the more he’ll be open to pleasing you.

Embrace Your Inner Bear

Name: Ramon
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Denver
Hi Dr. Dick. I have a lot of thick body hair and I spend a lot of time and money keeping it trimmed. I even use Azulene Oil, which allegedly slows the rate of hair growth. I don’t think it works although it makes my skin nice and soft. My question is: are there any products that work to slow, or stop hair grow? I would even consider hormonal treatment if it was safe. Thanks for your time. Your devoted fan; Ramon

Well, devoted fan Ramon, I’d be willing to bet that you’re gonna be as successful in finding a hair growth inhibitor as other men have been in finding a hair growth accelerator. Which, for all intents and purposes, means not successful at all. Sorry!

very hairy & hotAnd are you really serious about tampering with your natural hormonal balance for cosmetic purposes? My, my, my to what lengths we will go to compensate for, or alter something, we don’t like about ourselves. Just imagine how vulnerable this makes you to the unscrupulous purveyors of the proverbial snake oil? I always say; desperate men make desperately wrong decisions.

I don’t have any personal experience with any of the products you ask about. But I do have a whole lot of bear friends. So I quizzed them for some advice to pass on to you. Several of the men I spoke to confessed to having tried one or another non-prescription product for at least a short period of time. Some of my bear friends said they used one or another or several such products for a long enough time to say for certain that nothing they tried worked. No surprise there, I suppose.

Not one of my bear friends is currently experimenting with a hair growth-inhibiting product now. When asked why, every one of them said it was easier, cheaper, and less detrimental to their psyche to make peace with the fact that they are hairy guys…plain and simple.

What I did learn from my friends is that typically one uses a hair growth inhibitor after employing a method of hair removal (waxing, shaving, tweezing, etc.) in an attempt to slow the regrowth of the hair just removed. These products come as lotions, creams, or sprays and are applied directly to the area where the hair has been removed.

The claim is that the enzymes in many of these products can get into the hair follicle and affect the rate and texture of regrowth. Hair that does regrow is often finer, even if there’s not less of it. At least that’s the claim.hairy369

There are dozens of these over-the-counter products. And my research has also turned up a wealth of negative comments from disgruntled former users. Apparently some of these products are not only ineffective, but also dangerous. So beware!

Here’s a tip: if you, or anyone else in my audience is thinking about plunking down hard-earned money for a product of dubious worth. I suggest you do an online search using the name of the product or the company producing it, along with the word “scam” or “complaints.” In short order you will find what I found; there are a lot of very unhappy people who regret falling prey to the hype and being ripped off.

From what I can gather, electrolysis and laser hair removal are about the only permanent hair removal methods currently available. But even these techniques can be spotty, so to speak. Results can vary from person to person and there can even be regrowth in some cases.

In the end, there is but one undeniable fact: there is no published clinical data that backs up any claim that any of product or technique will slow or stop hair growth. With those odds against you, devoted fan Ramon, maybe it would be easier and way less expensive to simply embrace your inner bear.

Good luck

Year’s First Q&A Show 2014 — Podcast #403 — 01/22/14


Hey sex fans,by the balls

We kicked off the New Year a couple of weeks ago with some wickedly informative and enriching Sex EDGE-U-cation. So now let’s turn our attention to the sexually worrisome, shall we? I have a delightful Q&A show in store for you today, the first of the New Year. Each of my correspondents is eager to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

  • Holly is worried about getting pregnant.
  • Weaver is gender queer, but her straight BF ain’t so cool. I see trouble ahead.
  • Tammy has a fanciful story to tell about her sexual exploits, but I think she’s pullin’ my leg.
  • Michael has MS and is wheelchair bound. He’s angry and frustrated and it is killing his marriage.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Touchy Little Bugger

Name: Lilla
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Location: Evansville, IN
My BF and I have been together for a three years. We have a great sex life together…or we did. Recently he asked me if I would be interested in some anal play — me inserting something in his butt. I thought ok; lets give it a try. After some fumbling around the first time, (I was very self-conscious) I really got into it. It was very empowering. I never imagined how different it is inserting a dildo into someone as opposed to being inserted into, if ya know what I mean.
We were both having such a good time and I could see that he was totally turned on by the play.
After one of these very fun sessions I made an off-handed comment that all the butt play was going to make him gay. This innocent remark had an immediate and devastating effect on him. It was as if I had slapped him in the face. He stormed out of the room and sulked all the rest of the day. I told him I was just a joking. But he didn’t believe me and now there’s no butt play at all. In fact, there’s not much sex between us anymore.
I really screwed up, I know. I had no idea he would react this way. Is there anything I can do to redeem myself? I feel absolutely dreadful.

Wow, touchy little bugger, isn’t he? What we have here is some unresolved masculinity issues on the part of your novice butt-pirate BF. Too bad he’s cutting his nose off to spite his face instead of dealing with his issues in an up front way.

And just to put your mind to rest, Lilla, this implosion was bound to happen sooner or later. I know you feel bad about triggering it, but it’s not really your fault.

In his defense, we can chalk up your BF’s regrettable response to you poking (no pun intended) fun as the result of a lifetime of homophobic conditioning. One can only guess at the virulent anti-gay messages he’s received throughout his lifetime there in one of the reddest of red states. I think we can all agree that Evansville, Indiana is no San Francisco, California.ShameHands

All us men, including all us gay men, have some vestiges of homophobia inside us. And some have a whole lot. It’s regrettable, but that don’t make it any less true. This fear we all carry around inside of us can turn us inside out. It can get in the way of us accepting and loving ourselves for who we are, if we are indeed gay. And this fear can lead us to all kinds of destructive antisocial behavior against others if we are straight.

I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that tells fag jokes and laughs loudest when he hears the same. I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that raises an eyebrow (and possibly even a fist) when he encounters an effeminate man. I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that over-compensates for even the slightest perceived feminine tendency within himself. I’d be willing to guess your BF is the kind of guy that has a very structured and uniform notion of what a woman’s place in society should be.

stubbornI added this last one, because I’m convinced that the root of all homophobia is actually a fear and hatred of women. In the worldview of most men, masculinity is privileged, making it superior femininity. To these men, it’s an affront to their world order to see any another man behave in a less than masculine way, even if that behavior is in the privacy of his own bedroom. This strict sex-role stereotyping has them in a strangle hold, choking all the joy and pleasure from their lives.

One can only imagine the massive internal conflict your BF must have struggled with before he asked you to bugger him. Imagine his chagrin when the only person in the whole wild world he’s ever opened up to about this mortifying desire of his; turned around and make a joke about it…and a fag joke on top of it.

I know, I know, you didn’t mean it to be a fag joke, but it was one nonetheless; at least in his mind. Your harmless little comment went to the heart of his insecurities. He had been found out, as it were, and the tables turned on him. And all he was left with was his shame. How enormously sad!

Can I tell you a story? Early in my therapeutic career I had a couple come to see me for marriage counseling. They were a pretty conservative heterosexual couple with two preteen children. They were both prim and proper and neither one had so much as a hair out of place. Can you say: buttoned down?homophobia2

When I got around to asking them to tell me what was wrong, the wife broke into sobs. She couldn’t talk. I thought to myself, “this is gonna be juicy.” The husband hung his head in shame and began to spill the beans. After 10 years of marriage he finally got up the courage to ask the little woman for some oral sex. Apparently she was mortified at the suggestion. Good girls don’t do that! It took another two years of supplication before she finally relented and gave him his one and only blowjob.

I was spellbound as he recounted the fateful night that he finally got his wish. His wife, on the other hand, was completely beside herself, holding her face in her hands. With a little prompting from me, the husband continued his story. The blowjob started out very tentatively. The little woman was doing all she could to suppress her natural inclination not to gag as she got closer to his johnson. But then she finally relented. And, after all those years of patiently waiting and fantasizing about this moment, she took a deep breath and wrapped her lips around the head of his dick.

He was so overjoyed and completely lost in the moment when somehow he let pass from his lips, the unfortunate word — cocksucker — in reference to the mother of his children down there between his legs smokin’ his pole. Where this word came from; he couldn’t say. It wasn’t a word he could ever remember consciously using before in his life. But there it was on that night of nights. And that, dear Lilla, was all she wrote. Before the husband knew what was happening, his wife spat out his boner with a yelp and fled to the bathroom to wash out her mouth with soap.

From that night to weeks later when they found themselves in my company, not only were there no more blowjobs, but no nookie whatsoever.

It took us weeks and weeks to uncover the root of the wife’s aversion to oral sex — giving or receiving. An unhappy childhood, an abusive father, catholic guilt, countless messages about sex being dirty, low self-esteem and her being pre-orgasmic all fueled her disconnect with sex in general and oral sex in particular. This coupled with the unfortunate and untimely exclamation by the husband was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Isn’t it amazing how one word can short-circuit the whole shebang?

homophobia002I suppose you see where I’m going with this, huh Lilla? Your little comment triggered a landslide in your BF’s psyche. The delicate house of cards he was able to assemble to hold on to his homophobia and still take it up the ass, was simply not strong enough to withstand the word “gay,” joking or not.

Clearly your BF has issues. But I’m probably telling you something you already know. I can’t really say if there’s a possibility for the two of you to overcome this on your own. Is there any chance your BF would acquiesce to some counseling? If yes, that would be the way to go. He needs to do a bunch of reprogramming on himself, don’t cha know.

If counseling isn’t in the cards all I can suggest you do is stroke his masculinity as much as you can. There will be a price to pay for this, but maybe you’ll be able to address that later. You can tell him that you’ve been reading all over online about how much straight men are getting into ass play these days. How they are throwing off the yoke of their ass-phobia and enjoying all the god-given sensations their backdoor has to offer. You might even offer up your pucker by way of example.

If he ever does relent and allow you to touch him “down there” again that would signal that the crisis is over, but you won’t be out of the woods quite yet. If the ass play does resume, you could chat him up sometime (not in the bedroom though) as to why he had such a virulent response to your joking. If he is honest with you, he will tell you what you already know from reading my response here. And I’d be willing to bet my last dollar on that.

Good luck

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