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Sexual Tension or Domestic Tranquility

Name: Barbara
Gender: Female
Age: 48
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
I’ve been with my current lover for 5 years and I dearly love him. A couple of years ago he had hemorrhoid surgery and was in the hospital for a month. When he got home he refused to have sex with me but once a month of so. After two years his sexual interest is less and less. We have a wonderful time together, except for the sex. He’s a great guy and I know he loves me. We talk about it, but he tells me that he doesn’t need sex and he wants a platonic relationship. He’s not open to therapy. If he doesn’t want to be physical, I don’t want to force it but I’m masturbating all alone and I’m very frustrated. I don’t what to leave him, but I can’t stand the status quo.

This is a classic lament, Barbara. So many couples struggle with much the same thing. Love, intimacy, and sex—three very different things—yet we are socialized into thinking that they should always come to us as a package deal. And anything that doesn’t is less than optimum and often downright bad or sinful. What a tiny little box we’re all supposed to fit in.

sexual-FrustrationI believe there is a fundamental difference between love, sex, and intimacy, but so many people confuse or conflate these very different needs to their detriment. Some go so far as to destroy an otherwise good and vibrant relationship just because it doesn’t conform to what we perceive as the norm…ya know the big package deal I just mentioned.

I don’t know how we got it into are head that the only legitimate or wholesome sex is the sex that happens in a loving relationship, or that if there is no sex in a loving relationship, then that relationship is somehow flawed or defective. That’s simply not the case.

The way I see it, passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. Ya know, like the grips of hot monkey love that happens at the beginning of a relationship. In time this sexual tension dissipates. I might add that it takes a great deal of work to keep that kind of tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy, even though they may pay lip service to the desire for it.life is too short

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship, which often also includes sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the domestic tranquility option. But the result is the kind of sexual frustration you report, at least for some.

Those who wish to have both sexual passion and intimacy need to be creative in developing both. It simply isn’t enough to believe that loving someone is enough to make it happen. It takes a lot of very hard work.

That being said, Barbara, if your partner refuses to join you in any effort to find a solution to the problems that plague your relationship, he is telling you that your sexual concerns are unimportant to him. My counsel is always the same under these circumstances. If your sexual needs are as pressing as you say they are, then confront him in no uncertain terms. No beating around the bush, darlin’, it’s ultimatum time. Tell your partner that dragging his feet, or obstructing all together your efforts to solve your relationship problems signals to you that the relationship, at least as it is currently configured, is in desperate trouble.

As I’ve suggested earlier, you can tell him that there are several ways of keeping the relationship going without expecting he fulfill all or any of your sex needs if he’s gonna be fulfilling your intimacy needs. But living without sex in your life is a deal breaker. He needs to know that you are serious about the crisis that exists. Of course, if you do this you will have to follow through on the ultimatum. To do otherwise would tell him that you don’t believe your concerns are all that important either.

If you ask me, life is too short to be living with all that sexual frustration. Don’t tolerate the frustration make it work for you. Your sexual frustration could be the very thing that motivates you to create better your situation for yourself and possibly your old man too.

Good Luck

SEX WISDOM With Katie Querna — Podcast #426 — 09/03/14

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

I have an important announcement before we begin. We are coming to an end of an era. This week and next marks the end of my career as a podcaster. I’m just a couple months short of my 8th anniversary of podcasting and I’ve decided that enough is enough.

The truth is, I have a bunch of other projects that I want to spend time on and I have only so much time to allocate; thus something had to give. I am exceptionally proud of the quality programming I’ve brought to you, my international audience. Over the last seven plus years I’ve presented a variety of extraordinarily informative, enriching and entertaining shows—interesting interviews, enlightening Q&A and even some fun adult product reviews. And, I’m happy to report, all my podcasts are archived here on my site and they will remain so for the foreseeable feature. So I hope you will visit often.

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Alrighty then; I want to go out with a bang, so to speak, so I’d like to introduce you to a remarkable woman who is just beginning her career in the field of human sexuality. And as you probably can guess, this is the SEX WISDOM show. This series has generally involved chats with learned colleagues well established in our field, but every now and again I had a hankerin’ to check in with those people who are just starting out in this field. I tell you, it reassures me no end to know that brilliant young folks are picking up the sex-positive banner and carrying it forward. And I am delighted to welcome one such person to my show today. I am delighted to introduce you to my good friend, colleague, and real life neighbor, Katie Querna.

Katie and I discuss:

  • The nature of our relationship;
  • The Columbia School of Social Work and The University of Washington School of Social Work;
  • Gender and sexuality studies;
  • Lifelong AIDS Alliance;
  • Designer vaginas;
  • Plastic surgery and self-worth;
  • Sensuality, sexuality, and intimacy;
  • Masculinity, intimacy, and the fear of the feminine;
  • Intuition, sensation, and perception vs. science.

Katie invites you to visit her on her site HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Open Hearts, Open Minds, And Open Relationships

Name: Deborah
Gender: female
Age: 36
Location: Rome
I like your site very much. Thank you for some much honesty. I have a question; do open relationships really work?

Well gee, thanks for your kind words, darlin’; I appreciate it.

To your question about open relationships, I guess that depends on the maturity level of the people considering opening their sexually exclusive relationship. And how much work they are willing to put forward to communicate with one another through all the details that such a decision entails.open relationship

That being said, there are a few things us sex researchers know for sure. In most cultures, people claim to practice sexual exclusivity, which is commonly referred to as monogamy. Although I think that’s a misnomer. Monogamy literally means having one union, which, as we all know, tells us nothing about sexual expression of either or both partners.

Lifetime sexual exclusivity (being sexually involved with only one person for one’s entire life) is rare. Serial sexual exclusivity (having a series of exclusive relationships over one’s life) is much more common. And despite knowing that we humans do not mate for life, we continue to presume that sexual exclusivity, or monogamy is the only legitimate kind of coupling.

This, unfortunately, leads to our culture’s obsession with cheating — that is, having sex with someone outside of a monogamous relationship. And frankly, what I know about humans, human relationships, and human sexuality; I can say for certain that fidelity is not necessarily a genital issue. One can indeed be faithful to someone else and still have the freedom to express him/herself sexually with others. It happens all the time. In these cases, fidelity is to the relationship and the agreements, parameters, and boundaries mutually agreed upon by the partners. Which get me back to my opening comment about the need for communication. Of course, it’s much easier to presume that everyone in a relationship is working under the same rubric, but that kind of presumption is a fool’s paradise.

polyamory1Another shortcoming of setting up sexual exclusivity, or monogamy as the only legitimate kind of coupling is that it diminishes all the other types of relationships that flourish albeit in a more covert sort of way. And here I’m talking about an array of open relationship models and polyamory. The fact that we don’t hear a lot about these non-traditional relationships shouldn’t suggest to you, or anyone, that they don’t exist or that they aren’t practical or practiced my a lot of people. They are! It just means that most people in non-traditional relationships know not to go public in a society that would denigrate them for their lifestyle choices. That’s how things are here in the good old US of A; and I’ll wager it’s also true for you Italians. Am I right, or am I right?

Open relationships and polyamorous relationships work because the people in them adhere to some basic tenets about how to conduct themselves.

First among them is the notion that these alternative relationships must be chosen; they can’t be mandated. If one or another of the persons considering an open or poly relationship is being pressured to go along with the flow, or is fearful that he/she will be alone if he/she doesn’t comply with the will of the other(s), that kind of duress is not gonna work.

Each person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for the choices he/she is making. If you’re not up for the task, or if this kind of arrangement is not compatible with your personality type, don’t attempt to override that. You will only jeopardize the relationship for the other(s) involved. However if the idea appeals to you, give it your best shot. I can guarantee it will be a learning experience. Just remember, exploring something and having it carved in stone are two very different things.

Second, communication is key. The more complex the relationship structure the greater the need for open lines of communication. Know your boundaries and express them clearly. Ask questions; never assume you know something when you don’t. If you will allow me some shameless self-promotion, I’d like to direct your attention to my latest book, The Gospel Of Kink — A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For. It’s a communication and relationship-building workshop, for folks in nontraditional relationships, in workbook form. I think you will find it most enlightening. GOK small cover

Third, know yourself! You must be able to deal with your emotions, particularly jealousy, in an up-front, adult way. This is often much easier said than done. If you need to be the center of attention just so you can feel good about yourself, or you have serious territorial issues — this is mine, this is mine, and this is mine! Alternative relationships are probably not for you.

Know what keeps you even keel in terms of what you need and what you are able to give. There has got to be a healthy tension between these two things. If you’re the kind who gives too much and resents not being rewarded for your gifts, stay away from alternative relationships. Or if you are so needy that you can’t stand it when someone else is enjoying his/her time in the sun; open or poly relationships are decidedly not for you.

You should also know that alternative relationships, of whatever stripe, are, for the most part, on the fringes of what society will accept. And some are outright taboo. This doesn’t mean you will have to slug it out on your own, in a vacuum of support. On the contrary, you will no doubt find that the people who are living contrary to the expectations of the popular culture are often a whole lot more generous with their support and compassion then those following all the rules.

You will find that your support system will shift from more traditional sources like family, church, and community to alternative sources like clubs and social groupings of other like-minded individuals as yourself. A common mistake made by those in non-traditional relationships is to take their problems and issues to their traditional support systems. This rarely works because the traditional support system will inevitably blame the non-traditional relationship setup for the problem. This is not true, of course, but how would those in traditional relationships know otherwise.

I always suggest that those in non-traditional relationships bring their issues to their non-traditional support system. Here you are less likely to encounter judgments about your life choices and more help with overcoming the problems at hand.

Good luck

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Mastering Masturbation – The finer points of Jacking and Jilling Off

A Special Workshop with Yours Truly!

When: 03/27/14 — 7PM to 9PM
Where: Foundation For Sex Positive Culture — 1608 15th Ave W.  Seattle, WA 98119  —  The Annex
Who: Anyone 18+ with ID
Cost at the Door: $25 Advance prices: $20 for Individuals, $35 for Couples and $50 for Triads.

Purchase your tickets HERE!

***Space is Limited So Get Your Tickets NOW!***
This workshop is open to all regardless of gender, orientation, or relationship status.

They say everyone does “it,” but there’s way more to masturbation than a quick wank or furtive diddle. masturbating womanSelf-pleasuring is the most basic building block of a healthy and vibrant sex life. Most of us learn to masturbate when we are young. Most of us learn to masturbate just to relieve sexual tension. But, oh boy howdy, if that’s all you’re doing you’re totally missing out.

We’ll cover a wide variety of topics, including:

  • Finding all your hot-spots
  • Full body masturbation
  • Lubes, toys, and solo sex
  • Mutual masturbation; the key to great partnered sex at any age
  • Edging and lasting longer
  • Mutual masturbation; the key to great partnered sex at any age
  • Myths and misconceptions
  • And so much more!

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Remember, everyone does “it”; lets relax and enjoy it!

There will be lots of adult product to giveaway too.

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More SEX WISDOM With Tim John Peterson — Podcast #410 — 03/12/14


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.png_base64a962413058288533

Author and humorist, Tim John Peterson, is back with us today to regale us with more of his remarkable SEX WISDOM. Listen, if you’re a man, or know someone who is, I can assure you the next half hour will be well worth the time you spend with us.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #409 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Tim and I discuss:

  • His early life and background;
  • His career path;
  • The beginnings of his books and the personal nature of his writing;
  • His startling sense of humor;
  • Capturing life’s absurdity;
  • Men Talk — biting, cutting, and fun;
  • Men Talk Sex — straight men’s perspective;
  • Gay Men Talk — mostly relationship material;
  • Insightful, touching, hilariously funny;
  • Men Talk Solids, Liquids and Gasses — offbeat frat-boy stuff;
  • Women love his books;
  • Men Talkisms — bon mots that say it all;
  • His unique talent of listening to us men talk and distilling our thoughts with care and humor.

Tim invites you to visit him on his site HERE! Don’t miss his Tumblr site HERE! And he’s also on Facebook HERE! And Twitter HERE!

Click on the cover art below for more information about Tim’s books.

MTSex-HighResCoverOnly MT-flatcoveronly GMT-Coveronly Men Talk Solids, Liquids and Gases MenTalkisms

 

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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