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Death Is Way More Complicated When You’re Polyamorous


By Simon Davis

death become her

Screencap via ‘Death Becomes Her’

In February, Robert McGarey’s partner of 24 years died. It was the most devastating loss McGarey had ever encountered, and yet, there was a silver lining: “I had this profound sadness, but I don’t feel lonely,” McGarey told me. “I’m not without support, I’m not without companionship.”

That’s because he has other partners: Jane, who he’s been with for 16 years, and Mary, who he’s been with for eight. (Those are not their real names.) And while his grief for Pam, the girlfriend who died, was still immense, polyamory helped him deal with it.

There’s not a lot of research into how poly families cope with death—probably because there’s not a lot of research about how poly families choose to live. By rough estimates, there are several million poly people in the United States. And while polyamory can bring people tremendous benefits in life and in death, our social and legal systems weren’t designed to deal with people with more than one romantic partner—so when one person dies, it can usher in a slew of complicating legal and emotional problems.

“Whether people realize it or not, the partner to whom they are married will have more benefits and rights once a death happens,” explained Diana Adams, who runs a boutique law firm that practices “traditional and non-traditional family law with support for positive beginnings and endings of family relationships.”

Since married partners rights’ trump everyone else’s, the non-married partners don’t automatically have a say in end-of-life decisions, funeral arrangements, or inheritance. That’s true for non-married monogamous relationships, too, but the problem can be exacerbated in polyamorous relationships where partners are not disclosed or acknowledged by family members. In her work, Adams has seen poly partners get muscled out of hospital visits and hospice by family members who refused to recognize a poly partner as a legitimate partner.

McGarey and his girlfriend Pam weren’t married, so the decision to take her off life support had to go through Pam’s two sisters. The money Pam left behind—which McGarey would’ve inherited had they been married—went to her sisters too, who also organized Pam’s funeral.

This kind of power struggle can also happen among multiple partners who have all been romantically involved with the deceased. The only real way to ensure that everything is doled out evenly is to draft up a detailed prenuptial agreement and estate plan. Adams works with clients to employ “creative estate planning” to ensure that other partners are each acknowledged and taken care of.

Adams is a big proponent of structured mediation as a way of minimizing post-mortem surprises, like when families discover the existence of mysterious extra-marital partners in someone’s will. It’s much better to have those conversations in life than on someone’s deathbed, or after death.

But many poly people remain closeted in life and in death, according to sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, who has studied polyamorous families for 15 years and authored The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. A person might have a public primary partner—someone they’re married to, for example—plus other private relationships. That can make it harder to grieve when one of the non-primary partners dies, because others don’t recognize the relationship as “real” or legitimate in the way the death of a spouse might be.

Take, for example, something like an employee bereavement policy. Guidelines from the Society for Human Resource Management spell out the length of time off given in the event of the death of a loved one: a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, in-laws, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Unsurprisingly, extra-marital boyfriend or girlfriend is not on the list. (Actually, “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” aren’t on the list at all.) It’s possible for an employee to explain unique circumstances to an employer, but in her research, Sheff has found that some poly people prefer not to “out” themselves this way. People still disapprove of extra-marital affairs and some poly people, according to Sheff, have even lost their jobs from being outed, due to corporate “morality clauses.”

It’s similar, she says, to the experiences of same-sex couples who are closeted. “It’s much less so now because they’re more acknowledged and recognized, but 20 years ago, it was routine for [the family of the deceased] to muscle out the partner and ignore their wishes—even if [the deceased] hadn’t seen their family for years and years,” Sheff said. “They would come and descend on the funeral and take over. Or when the person was in the ICU. That same vulnerability that gays and lesbians have moved away from to some extent is still potentially very problematic for polyamorous people.”

Legal recognition of polyamorous unions could provide some relief. After the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act in 2013 and legalized same-sex marriage in 2015, calls for legalizing plural marriage have only become louder. Adams noted that an argument put forth in Chief Justice John Roberts’s 2015 dissent may provide a legal foothold for legalization advocates. “As Roberts points out, if there’s going to be a rejection of some of the traditional man-woman elements of marriage… those same arguments could easily be applied to three or four-person unions,” she said in an interview with US News & World Report earlier this year.

In 2006, Melissa Hall’s husband Paul died at the age of 52. Both were polyamorous, but Paul’s death presented “no special problems,” since they were legally married and Hall had all the rights of a spouse. Instead, she found unexpected benefits in dealing with her husband’s death: In particular, she told me that “being poly made it easier to love again.” Since they had both dated other people during their life together, Hall knew her husband’s death wouldn’t stop her from dating again.

In traditional relationships, it’s not uncommon for people to impose dating restrictions on themselves to honor the desires of their dead spouses, or to feel guilty when they start dating again. Of course, you don’t win if you don’t date either, as people eventually get on your case to “move on with your life.” All this goes out the window when you’re polyamorous, where dating doesn’t necessarily signal the end of an arbitrary acceptable period of mourning.

More partners in a relationship can certainly mean more support. It can also mean more people dying, and with that comes more grief. In an article about loss among polys published in the polyamory magazine Loving More, one man wrote: “Those of us who have practiced polyamory through our lifetime must be grateful for the abundance of love in our lives. But having those wonderful other loves means we must accept a little more grieving as well, when our times come.”

Is the trade off worth it? McGarey certainly seems to think so. “There is more grieving, but… we are held and cradled in the love of other people at the same time.”

He compares his relationship to the Disney movie Up, which starts with a guy falling in love and marrying his childhood sweetheart. “And then [she] dies, and he turns into this grumpy old man because he lost his love,” McGarey said. “I don’t see myself turning into a grumpy old man. I don’t know if I can attribute that to poly, but maybe that’s why.”

Complete Article HERE!

I’m just along for the ride

Dear Dr Dick,
My husband (34) and I (31) are coming up of ten years of marriage, and for the most part our sex life has been what I would consider average. He’s pretty much been the aggressor in our relationship, which has worked out fine until now. I guess after ten years my husband would like it if I occasionally expressed interest and initiated and told him what I like/don’t like etc. I really have no idea how to do that! I told him that and his comment was that maybe I wasn’t even sure what I liked/don’t like and that I’ve pretty much just been going along for the ride all these years. He’s probably right.
We used to kiss and cuddle etc. to work up to sex and now it’s, “hey, you wanna have sex?” which completely turns me off (which he knows). I’m sure this is partly due to his work schedule and having a four year old so by the time we get to bed we’re wiped out most of the time, but I’m so not into the, “hey, you wanna…” approach.
Anyway, I guess my question is how do I get started in figuring out what I like and don’t like, how do I work up to feeling comfortable enough to verbalize it and especially verbalize or show him that I’m in the mood, and then how do I tell him I don’t like something without shutting him down. There are times, I know I don’t like something but I go along with it because I don’t want to shut him down.
I should preface by saying I’m not a very confident person and tend to be a people pleaser?

You’re husband’s right. It is fuckin’ time you started lifting your share of the sexual initiation load. I mean come on! Most women would kill for a man in their life that would show an interest in what they like and don’t like. This going along for the ride stuff has got to end, darling.

female nude159How do you get started in figuring out what you like and don’t like? Masturbation! That’s the shortest and most to the point answer I can think of. Once you discover what turns your crank through masturbation you will have loads of very important information to share with you man. And hey, don’t forget toys, vibrators in particular.

How do you work up to feeling comfortable enough to verbalize what turns you on and verbalizing or showing him that you are in the mood? The answer to this question is as simple as the previous question. You masturbate for him.

Now I know that a lot of people, and that includes most women, have been socialized to think that masturbation is wrong, or at least it’s a private affair that one should keep to herself. But I’m her to tell you that’s just bull-hockey. And this is true for both women and men, gay and straight and everyone in between.

How do you tell him you don’t like something without shutting him down? Well, it’s probably much easier to tell him what you like and how you like it rather than approaching the tutorial from the negative. If he’s not completely brain dead, he WILL get the message. If, however, he starts to do something that is rubbing you the wrong way, so to speak, simply tell him as calmly as possible that he will get a much bigger and better rise out of you if he did it THIS way. And then show him…again.masturbation001

That fact that you sometimes don’t like something but that you often if not always go along with it tells me that you’ve socialized your man into thinking he’s an adequate lover when he perhaps isn’t. Its time for a confession, girlfriend! Be as gentle as you can, but for god sake, it’s time to come clean.

Take responsibility for keeping him in the dark about his lack of sexual prowess. Then tell him that there’s a very easy and fun fix for the problem and show him what you need and how you need it.

If you indeed lack the confidence you need to be honest with the one you love and who loves you back, then frankly Brandi, you deserve what little you get. But if you can muster up the gumption to throw off the tyranny of that whole people pleasing bullshit you’ve been laboring under all these years, then you have a real shot at some happiness and sexual fulfillment. It’s gonna be up to you to make this happen. If you need some support find a sex positive therapist who will help you grow some balls.

Good luck

meat substitutes or give me the beef

Name: Carol
Gender: female
Age: 32
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
I’ve got an odd question. You know how there seems to be no end to the methods and devices available to bolster a man’s equipment. Everything from cock rings to Viagra. I know guys are all ego involved with their stuff and everything, but it seems to me that instead of all this gadgetry and pharmaceuticals why don’t they just strap one on? Most women I know wouldn’t much care if was the “real thing” and a dildo. I mean, is the “real thing” all that superior? I don’t think so, because a woman could choose the girth, length and texture of her “object of desire” or change it depending on her mood. The guy would not have to worry about being “worn out,” “premature” or not being able to “get it up” at all. Best of all, both could enjoy sex for longer periods. I’m quite serious. Let’s face it; the male refractory period is really a drag. It seems to me that strap-on sex would be a great way to put off ejaculation, extend the time we have for lovemaking and “keep the fire burning” for as long as the woman wants and needs.

OUCH, Carol! For a chick who says she understands that us guys are all ego involved with our stuff, you sure are rough as hell on us penis owning people. Holy cow!

You’ll get no argument from me — most us men folk are way to obsessed with our cocks. If only we spent a fraction of the time we fritter way worrying about the size and shape of our poor willies on something worthwhile, something that would actually make us more interesting; the world would be a much better place. But let’s face it, that ain’t gonna happen. And when all the boys out there get a load of your message, which suggests that most women would actually choose a strap on over the real thing, well…you know for sure the anxiety level is gonna go through the roof.

Frankly, I don’t believe that most women would choose a dildo over the real thing, even though the “real thing”, as you so generously point out, has its deficiencies like the pesky male refractory period.  And if I had to guess, and it would indeed be a guess, most women would prefer the animate thing, with all its shortcomings, no pun intended to the inanimate things with all their variety. I guess this because most of the women I know think that there is more to sex and intimacy than penetration sex, even though penetration sex is all fine and dandy. I’ve also had my share of women tell me they’re not overly disturbed when the hubby or BF can’t get it up, because that means less barkin’ at their front door, or (god forbid) back door…if you catch my drift.

I also get loads of letters from women who complain that the dudes in her life don’t know squat about how to use the dick nature gave them. It’s hard for me to imagine how awkward and clumsy penis/vagina sex would be if the guy pluggin’ the chick couldn’t feel the thing he was pluggin’ her with. I’d be willing to wager that there’d be a whole lot more bruised pussies out there if men were strappin’ their tool on, instead of using the one that came “standard issue” with their birthday suit.

But let’s just say you’re right; let’s say that most women would prefer to have fake as opposed to real, how would these women break the news to their benighted men? I mean, would she just come right out and say, “hey mister, tonight we’re gonna have you strap on old junior here.” As she pulls out some big vibrating monster wang and a harness. How do you suppose that would affect the guy’s ego? I suggest, not very well. Like I said at the beginning, us guys are already nervous about our adequacy. How are we supposed to compete with something that never loses its boner and can vibrate all at the same time?

No darlin’, I don’t think that’s gonna fly. Imagine for a moment if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak. And men started to bring home blow up dolls to compensate for all the times their women were too tired, or too headachy, or too pregnant or too turned off to the idea of giving their man some well-deserved head. Imagine the female consternation if their male partners asked them to move over in bed to make way for Missy Blow-up…you know the one with the eveready mouth, pussy and asshole, the one that never complains and has those really perky tits, albeit made of plastic.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t ‘cha? Most of the women I know can’t even bear the idea their man might be jerkin’ off to porn let alone having to share their bed with an inanimate object that is there simply for the sexual gratification of their male partner.

Now that I’ve debunked the idea of real verses fake, I do believe that most couples I know — straight, bi, gay, what have you — would benefit from adding a sex toy…or six to their love making. I mean that’s why I hawk all those fabulous “marital aids” in the Dr Dick’s Stockroom for my kinkier friends  and my other, more vanilla toy emporium HERE.  I’m a big advocate of spicing up things with all this stuff, but never at the ego expense of one or the other partner.

So by all means Carol, if you’re bedding a man that has the ego strength to hear you suggest he strap one on when his peters out…so to speak…good for you! Knock yourself out! But then you’d have to be as agreeable to his toy suggestions too, right? I mean turn about is fair play, right darling?

I am of the mind that most people, both women and men are still too skittish about the whole notion of toys, at least as part of partnered fun. And that’s really too bad. For the most part, us Americans, particularly straight Americans, are not particularly adventurous when it comes to sex in general, and partnered sex with toys in particular. And those who are including toy play in their sex play generally use toys that are no threat to the ego of their partner. They tend to save their dildos and masturbation sleeves for when they are alone, again, too bad about that. I think that more people would have more enjoyable sex — together, if they were more comfortable jerkin’ off and jillin’ off WITH their partner and their toys. As it is now, most masturbation is still a furtive, solitary affair, again, too bad about that.

In the end, the answer to your query might reside with the kind of guy you fuck, Carol. Hopefully he, or they are open minded and fun loving sex freaks who are dying to try new things. If he, or they are, you’re in luck. All you’ll have to do is come up with a politic way of introducing “old junior” and his harness to your man. If by chance, the guy or guys you fuck aren’t quite so enlightened, maybe you’ll have to introduce the idea of toys first by getting him one. Imagine his surprise if you showed up in bed one day with a vibrating masturbation sleeve, one that looks like a real live pussy. Then you could tell your man to have a ball and bust a nut while you watch with joy. After he’s spent himself on the inanimate pussy, you could whip out the strap-on and tell him to go to town on your real thing.

Good luck!

Sex Work — The Principle of Supply and Demand

No podcast today; instead there’s this…

Sex workers and their consumers are two sides of the same coin; the operative word being coin. Few things are more troublesome to the social hierarchy than the notion of sex for money. And yet, as the saying goes, there’d be no supply if there weren’t a demand.

I travel a lot for work and often get really lonely on long trips. I don’t go to bars, because I don’t drink. The idea of looking for sex in a bathhouse or sex club puts me off. Lately I’ve been thinking I should just hire an escort, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. It must be a pretty common phenomenon thought, because I see tons of ads for escorts on line in every city I go to. Any suggestions on how I might proceed?
— Gabe

I presume you’ve ordered out for food while traveling for business, right? Finding a satisfying “order-out” sexual adventure is not all that different. In the case of an escort, the commodities are charming company, erotic massage, and possibly a little sex, instead of potstickers, mu shu pork and Kung Pao Chicken. (Now if only someone would devise a marketing plan to combine the two—erotic massage and mu shu pork? We’d all die from an overabundance of bliss!)

Not all order-out is created equal. Just as there is bad food, there are also unsavory escorts. Do your homework. You already know there are scads of escort or rentboy sites on the net. There are also plenty of review sites, where customers of the provider leave their comments regarding levels of satisfaction and the like. Most escorts, particularly the really good ones, immediately call your attention to the reviews they’ve received. It’s like having the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval stamped on your ass.

Start by interviewing a few working boys. This can initially be done via email. Ask for further information about services and rates. Many escorts have photos of themselves available to send to prospective clients, so you might respectfully request those. If at all possible, include a photo of yourself—or at the very least, an accurate description.

When communicating with a service provider, NEVER suggest that you are offering money for sex; in most jurisdictions, that’s against the law. While most clients hope to get a little sex in the encounter, the money exchanged is not for the sex. It is for the provider’s time and expertise. This may sound like splitting hairs, but if sex happens it is by mutual agreement by consenting adults during the time you’ve arranged to be together.

Finding the right escort for you is your task. Know what you want and know how to ask for it. Don’t waste your time or that of the provider by beating around the bush. If you are new at this, say so. The rentboy, if he’s any good at all, will be familiar with this territory and help you though the initial conversation.

There are different levels of pros out there; each will have his own fee structure for services provided. If you’re looking for something kinky, be ready to pay more. Never bargain with the provider. If he’s out of your price range, move along. Or come right out with it and say, “Listen, I have X amount of money to spend. Are you available?” This gives the provider the option to see you at the discounted rate. You’d be a fool not to insist on safe sex, but there’s a shitload of fools out there.

When arranging an outcall to your hotel, there may be an additional surcharge for traveling cost. This should be agreed upon before the deal is struck.

Not all prostitutes are prostitutes because they want to. But most guys turn pro because they’re good at what they do. And most enjoy the accompanying lifestyle. The truly successful provider will have a string of regulars, men they have a somewhat more intimate connection with. Kinda like finding a great Chinese restaurant and becoming a regular there. The proprietor might just offer you something not on the menu as a way of acknowledging your preferred customer status. Get it?

Some johns use the service of an agency, which can be a reliable way to go at first. However, I believe the hard-working independent entrepreneur is often one’s best bet.

You’ll also find among the independents a unique phenomenon—Gay for Pay. These are ostensibly “straight” (and I use that word in quotes with great intent) guys who will have gay sex with gay men for money. In the old days, we used to refer to them as trade. And like we in the business say, “today’s trade is tomorrow’s competition.”

Remember, a wise and informed consumer is happy and satisfied consumer.

I’m just out of college and have a ton of bills and no real job prospects at the moment. A friend suggested I do some escorting to make ends meet. Guys tell me that I’m hot and I like sex, but I don’t know if I could pull it off. Suggestions?
— Kevin

Being hot and liking sex are great assets if you decide to turn pro, but you’ll need a whole lot more than that. Being a sex worker is not like having sex for love, or even recreational sex. You will be exchanging sex for money and that makes it a business proposition. You’d be wise to approach this with as much forethought as you would any other profession. It is, after all, the world’s oldest.

You’ll need the physical fortitude to have sex with a wide range of people; some who may not be attractive to you. And when there’s an exchange of money, the john becomes your customer. And all pro sex is client-directed; it’s not about you even when it looks like it’s all about you.

You’ll also need the emotional distance and psychological resilience to cope with the intimacy issues this line of work creates. This is precisely the point where most fledgling sex workers flounder. They either give too much, or not enough. Some actually resent their clients for sustaining them; go figure! A lack of clarity on this issue will cause troubling boundary issues for both you and your john.

A cheap street hustler turning tricks to support a drug habit and an expensive rentboy who is attending the rich and famous face many of the same pitfalls. A lot of sex workers are self-destructive or have huge unresolved sex issues that they are trying to compensate for by making people pay them for what they usually give away.

If you still think this is a line of work for you, know that your mind and body are your greatest business assets. Take care of them. Keep them clean, fit and toned. Hygiene, both physical and mental, is a must. Improve your mind. Make yourself interesting. Stay abreast on current affairs. Develop other skills like massage and bodywork. Self-awareness, not the narcissistic type, and safe-sex practices are your frontline defense against STIs.

Stay clean and sober while on the job. More sex workers get busted for drugs than hustling. Know how to handle a drugged-out client. You’ll probably see a lot of those. Also know they can take forever to get off, and can sometimes be paranoid and dangerous.

Be fiscally responsibility. Plan for the lean times…and there will always lean times. You’ll probably be a hot property at first; the new meat phenomenon, don’t cha know. Don’t let this go to your head. There will be cuter, younger, hotter competition getting off the bus tomorrow. Try to cultivate a number of regular clients. Have a thought to how and where you will market yourself. And I encourage you not to do this full-time. If you find it difficult to pay the rent, you’ll be tempted to do more and more risky things just to make ends meet.

Sex work is often more about being psychologically present than a sexual performance. Your clients will often be more lonely and isolated then they are horny. Always treat them with respect.

You should have at least one trusted friend who knows your whereabouts at all times, or who has access to your appointment book. Never make a date with anyone who won’t share his/her phone number with you. And always make a call back before you head out. Keep an appointment book, in code if you must.

Have a travel bag prepared with all the basics you will need: condoms, lube, massage oils, handi-wipes, an extra shirt, toys, mace (or other protective equipment). Have that bag ready to pick up and leave if there’s trouble.

Finally, I suggest that you connect with other sex workers in your area. There is strength in numbers. Other rentboys will provide you with essential information about troublesome clients and help you get the lay of the land, so to speak.

Good Luck

I’ll be the judge of that!

Name: Eddie
Gender: male
Age: 19
Location: Sacramento
I have a pretty big dick, almost 9 inches and if I try I can bend myself till the tip is just touching my lips and then I can shoot right in my mouth.  But I want to get more of my cock in my mouth because I think it’s hot.  Are there any exercises I can do to help me do this?  Thanks.

You go, dude!  Autofellatio, or self-sucking is every man’s dream.  Of course, if all selfsuck2.jpgof us men folk could blow ourselves, there would be no good reason for us to ever leave our house.

What we have here, sex fans, is a guy who can orally masturbate himself. According to the Kinsey Reports less than 1% of males can lick or suck their own cock.  Obviously, suckin’ is more difficult than lickin’, because the guy’s gotta fold himself over a whole lot more to get more of his unit in his mouth.  But it is doable for the lucky few.

Did you know that there is archaeological evidence for self-administered blowjobs in Egyptian hieroglyphs?   That’s right, sex fans!  According to researcher David Lorton, “Many ancient texts refer to autofellatio within the religious mythology of Egypt.  The sun god Ra is said to have created the god Shu and goddess Tefnut by sucking himself off, then spitting out his spunk into the ground.”  Yeah baby, give me that old time religion!

Successful self-sucking depends on two things, Eddie — having a big enough dick and being limber as all get-out so you can pretty much bend in half.  Every guy can do something about his flexibility, but none of us can grow our dick longer.  That’s why this behavior remains fantasy material for the vast majority of us wee willies.

autofellatio.jpgIf you want to suck your own cock it’s a good idea to begin by expanding your range of motion; ya know, working on becoming more limber.  Concentrate on stretching exercises that will help improve the flexibility in your legs, glutes, lower back, upper back and neck.  If you’re not doin Yoga, pup, now’s a good time to start.

Begin by stretching out your legs.  Your quads and hamstrings need to be nice and limber.  While lying flat on the floor, with your legs fully extended.  Lift each leg in succession.  Take hold of your calf or thigh and pull your bent leg toward your chest.  Hold this for 15 seconds, breathe deeply and release.  Repeat five more times.  Once you’re able to do one leg at a time, work on doing both legs at once.  Be careful not to over stretch, you don’t want to pull a muscle.

Next stretch your back and neck. While lying flat on the floor, clasp your fingers together place them behind your head and slowly roll yourself up while your hold your chin to your chest. This will be exactly like doing a crunch, only completely different.  Hold these stretches for 15 seconds apiece, breathe deeply and release.  Repeat five more times.

Once you’ve mastered these stretches to the point you can pert-near fold yourself in half, you should be getting close to being able to lick your own dick…if it’s long enough, that is.

While lying flat on the floor place, roll yourself up, legs to your head and place your knees, one at a time, on either side of your head so you’re looking at your crotch and your pud is pointed towards your lips. Don’t forget to breathe through these stretches.

Now grab your ass and pull your dick closer to your mouth.  If it’s meant to be, this is how it will happen.  If it’s not meant to be, it won’t.

But don’t despair, if ya can’t pull this off.  All those stretching exercises you’ve been doing will make you a much better lover with a partner.  Because you will be much more limber for all the sexual gymnastics, don’t cha know.

Name: Gil
Gender: male
Age: 25
Location: Ohio
I’m bi and I have both female and male lovers.  Right now, I’m in more of a same sex phase.  I’m dating two different guys that I like a lot.  Both are really nice and fun and the sex is pretty good.  But neither one of these guys — one is 23 and the other is 25, knows how to kiss worth a damn.  And I can’t get worked up without kissing.  The 23 year old claims to be mostly straight and says kissing is too queer for him.  The other guy is all like all open mouth teeth.  Yuck!  Is it just me, or is kissing a lost art for gay men?

You are so right on, Gil!  Kissing is a lost art, but not just for gay men.  Women kissing.jpgoften tell me that their straight male partners don’t know squat about kissing either.  Is it just too intimate a thing for manly men nowadays or what?

And yeah, it is queer for one guy to kiss another guy.  It’s supposed to be, for Pet’s sake!  What, does the 23 year old think he’ll maintain his “straightness” if he sucks and fucks another dude, but doesn’t kiss him?  WTF!

In my book, kissing is essential to satisfying sex.  If ya can’t kiss, I’d be willing to bet you can’t fuck either.  Oh, that’s not to say that you won’t be able to bump parts, any monkey can do that.  But real good fucking involves passion and how’s there supposed to be passion without kissing?  That’s what I’d like to know.

Kissing is often the first sexual experience we have.  Whether it’s a light kiss from a friend, or deep sensuous French kiss with a potential lover.  We can express so much with kissing — love, passion, friendship, commitment — and we can do so while fully clothed.


Kissing someone on the mouth is bliss.  But taking those kisses to other places on your partner’s body is a mighty fine idea too.  I used to think kissing came naturally to us all, but now I’m convinced that’s now so.  It could be we all have an innate ability that just needs to be nurtured before it blossoms.  Whatever the case may be, there are some things the kissing challenged ought know.

Always make sure that your breath is fresh.  There’s nothing worse than kissing someone with bad breath!  This is particularly important for those of you who still smoke.

Kissing not only involves your mouth, it also has to involve body contact, hugging and touching.

  • If you’re all open mouth, teeth and drool, you’re not kissing.
  • If you rush to jam your tongue into your partner’s mouth and down his or her throat, you’re not kissing.
  • If you’re biting instead of nibbling, you’re not kissing.
  • If you’re trying to cover his or her entire mouth with yours like some kind of freaky suction cup, you’re not kissing.
  • If you’re kissing with your eyes wide open, you’re not kissing.
  • If your tongue is poking and prodding in your partner’s mouth like it is searching for lost food, you’re not kissing.
  • IF someone is kissing you and you’re not kissing back, you’re not kissing.
  • If you’re body is stiff, like a frozen slab of beef, you’re not kissing.
  • If your hands are stationary without a thing to do, you’re not kissing.
  • If you think kissing is something ya gotta do just to get laid, you’re not kissing.

kissing02.jpgIf you’re pressed for technique, or you’re simply clueless about where to begin, start by giving your partner a quick peck on the cheek or lips. Then move back a little, look him or her in the eye, then move in again for another kiss with a bit more passion this time.  Slowly build up the passion and excitement with a series of these kinds of seductive kisses till you’re all over one another like a bad cold.

Or try light kissing all over your partner’s face and neck pausing every now and again for a deep sigh and a longing look in his/her eyes.  Whatever you do, don’t suck or slobber.  Save that for when you’re eating her out or sucking his cock.

If you think you need practice kissing, and unless you’ve been told that you are a great kisser, you do need practice.  And you’re too timid to invite a partner to join you for the exercise, here’s what I propose you do.  Make a fist; turn it sideways so that you have the opening between your thumb and forefinger in front of you.  Kiss that.  Stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself.  If you look like they do in the movies, you may be on the right track.

When you think you’re getting the hang of it, move on to the real thing.  Don’t be shy we all have to start somewhere.  You might invite your partner to give you some feed back on how you’re doing.  Remember, practice makes perfect.

Name: Wilson
Gender: male
Age: 58
Location: Lancing MI
I’m a successful entrepreneur, in decent health (I could stand to lose a few pounds.) I have just about everything a man could want in life, but I’m miserable.  I have no energy and I feel like I’m sleepwalking through my life.  I have no sex drive at all; my wife thinks I’m having an affair…I wish.  Even Viagra doesn’t do the trick anymore.  Is this just old age, or what?

Old age, at 58?  I beg your pardon!  Hell, you’re not even technically a senior yet!  older_men.jpgRegardless what we call it, you sound like you’re in the throws of andropause — male menopause — ya know, the change of life!

Never heard of such a thing?  You’re not alone.  It’s only been recently that the medical industry has begun to pay attention to the impact changing hormonal levels has on the male mind and body.  Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant.  WRONG!

Every man will experience a decrease testosterone, the “male” hormone, as he ages.  This decline is gradual, often spanning ten to fifteen years on average. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects that menopause does, the end results are similar.

There’s no doubt a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more pronounced too.

While most all of us have heard of a mid-life crisis, and it’s tragic consequences — red convertible sports cars, comb-overs, and the trophy wife or lover — fewer have heard of andropause. A mid-life crisis is essentially a psycho-social adjustment to aging — bored at work, bored at home, bored with the wife or partner — that sort of thing.

Although andropause may coincide with a mid-life crisis, is not the same thing.  Andropause is a distinct physiological phenomenon that is akin to female menopause.

Like I said, the production of testosterone diminishes gradually after age 40.  I suppose you know that testosterone is the hormone that stimulates sexual development in the male infant, bone and muscle growth in adolescent males, and is responsible for our sexual drive, right?  But did you know that by the age of 55 the amount of testosterone secreted into our bloodstream is significantly lower than it was at 45.  And by age 80, most male hormone levels have decreased to pre-puberty levels.

  • Men, are you over 50, feeling weak, lethargic, depressed and irritable? Do you have mood swings, hot flashes, suffer from insomnia and decreased libido, like our buddy Wilson, here?  Then you too may be andropausal.  You need to get some lead back in your pencil!

check-up.JPGAll kidding aside, all us andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT).  Ask your physician about this.  Just know that some medical professionals resist testosterone therapy, because they mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer.  Even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. However, before starting a testosterone regiment, insist on a complete physical, including blood work and a rectal examine.  Mmmm, rectal exams!

Here’s an interesting tidbit; total testosterone, which is generally the only thing that is ever measured in men complaining of andropausal symptoms, is only low in relation to the standard laboratory “normal range” in 13% of cases. However, more detailed blood analysis shows that  bio-available Testosterone, which is the important measure, is decreased in 74% of cases.

Testosterone is available in many forms — oral, injectable, trans-dermal and by way of implants. The oral form is not recommended because of the high risk of liver damage.  But injections, patches, pellets, creams and gels might be just the answer.

I encourage you to be informed about TRT before you approach your doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively — by you and your doctor.

I just found a swell resource online:  The Andropause Society.  Check it out!

Good luck ya’ll

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