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Time On My Hands

When I was just a little tike, the nuns who taught me in grade school would often say, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” Far be it from me to lend the devil an idle hand. While I was waitin’ on my new computer, the one that allowed me to resume my podcasts, I decided to use some of the down time to respond to a backlog of correspondents in the old fashioned way…by writing.

Name: Adam
Gender:
Age: 34
Location: UK
I have been attracted to male children for years. Having been arrested for viewing child porn I realize that I need to pursue a celibate lifestyle. I realize that celibacy is a demanding lifestyle. What advice would you offer me?

You present a particularly touchy issue for our culture, Adam. But before I respond, I’d like to help you with some of your vocabulary. You say you need to pursue a celibate lifestyle. I think you mean to say you need to pursue an abstinent lifestyle. The two concepts — celibacy and sexual abstinence — mean different things. Unfortunately, way too many people use these terms interchangeably. This is not a good thing and only serves to muddy the waters further.

Celibacy has a very specific meaning. Let me whip out my trusty, handy dandy Funk & Wagnalls dictionary. Celibacy: the state of being unmarried. Some people infer, especially those of a strict religious bent, that celibacy also connotes sexual abstinence. Ya see, religious people are of the mind that there is no legitimate sexual expression outside the confines of heterosexual marriage. Legitimate or not, unmarried people have always been and will always continue to be sexual, so making that unfortunate connection between celibacy and abstinence ill advised.

The only thing we ought to be able to say for sure when someone identifies him/herself as celibate is that he/she is not married. To assume a celibate person, even one who has taken a vow of celibacy, is sexually abstinent is quite a dangerous stretch indeed. Need I point out the very unfortunate sex abuse scandals that continue to plague the Roman Catholic Church?

In the same way, if someone identifies him/herself as sexually abstinent, the only thing we ought to be able to say for sure is that he/she is not engaging in any type of sexual expression. It would be false to assume that a sexually abstinent person is not married, because there are a lot of married people who are indeed sexually abstinent.

In your case, Adam, I believe you are telling me that you are both not married (celibate), and because of your particular sexual predilection — young boys — you must also be sexually abstinent. If I’ve got this right…and it is very important that I not misinterpret your words…then I think there are options you may not have considered.

I firmly believe that we learn our sexuality. All we eroticize, in your case boys, is learned behavior. You once learned to eroticize boys; you can now learn to eroticize a more appropriate group of people. This isn’t a particularly easy thing to accomplish, but it’s not impossible either.

Anytime any one of us discovers that the object of our desires is someone inappropriate, we need to adjust our eroticism immediately. This is the better part of being a sexually responsible person. Pedophilia is just one such inappropriate eroticism. A father for his daughter, a mother for her son, a boss for a subordinate, a man for his neighbor’s wife, a teacher for her student, a counselor for his/her client, a congressman for his page…are you getting the picture? I hope so. And the list goes on and on.

I believe learning to readjust your eroticism to a more appropriate outlet is a much better option than trying to live a sexually abstinent lifestyle. The reason I believe this is that having a more appropriate outlet will at least give you an outlet for your pent up sexuality. If you have no outlet, or limit yourself to masturbation, you will only intensify your longings and further fixate on the inappropriate object of your current desires.

Like anyone trying to wean him/herself off a bad habit, the task ahead of you Adam, will be challenging. It will also be enriching and life-affirming. I hasten to add that you ought not try to do this on your own. Work with a sex-positive therapist.

You’re a relatively young man with many years ahead of you. These years can be filled with happy, healthy and appropriate sexual expression. Make it happen.

Good luck!

Name: Bert
Age: 54
Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Dear Sir,
7 years ago I lost my lover who I had lived for 14 years by AIDS. 6 months later I met my present lover. His lover just died of lung cancer. We met each other at a time we needed someone in our life. I am not a person who steps inside easily into a relationship. For the first 3 years we had a review every 3 months and every 3 months we extended our relationship for another 3 months. I needed time to get over my loss. My problem is that I cannot ejaculate when I have sex with my present lover and my appetite for sex has vanished. Before my lover died I had the greatest appetite for sex and I had no inhibitions about sex. I feel shy and uncomfortable when he approaches me and I do have an erected penis. In the first years I thought the reason was my lost of my lover. But after seven years it must be over. Can you give me advice?

Dear Bert,
Grief has a profound effect on our sexual response. In my practice I have found that grief is one of the leading causes of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction. You, Bert, present the classic symptoms of grief induced sexual dysfunction and dysphoria.

As you probably know, some animals mate for life. When the mate dies, that animal will not mate again. Are you such an animal? Is seven years of grieving enough? I can’t say. Grieving is such an individual thing. What I can tell you is it is time for you to bring this concern to a professional for help. I suggest that you seek the help of a qualified sex-positive therapist, someone who is well versed in both sexuality and grief counseling. It’s imperative that you address this issue as soon as you can. Don’t let this go unattended any longer. It will fester and destroy any sexual relationship you will try to establish in the future.

Good luck!

Name: Lenore
Age: 28
Location: IL
Whenever I have sex with ANYONE (it could be the hottest guy on the planet) I have to ALWAYS imagine I am with someone else from my past. The guy in question was the first guy I ever had sex with. We only did it once and I never saw him again after that. I was 17 in high school and he was 23 in the navy. Now if I don’t imagine this guy I can’t achieve orgasm, no matter how GOOD the partner I have is making me feel. I’m having a good time, I lubricate like crazy, but when it gets right down to it, I HAVE to think of this guy or no orgasm.
Can you give me some advice on this?

Are you suggesting that what you describe here is a problem? Or are you just making a point and asking me for my thoughts on the matter? I hope it’s the later, because I

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don’t see that your fantasy life is getting in the way of you enjoying your sexuality. On the contrary, your fantasies are enriching your sexuality. You’re able to fully enjoy sex, even to orgasm…with the help of your recollections of the guy who popped your cherry.

As to what goes on in your head during sex, well that’s no body’s business but yours, unless you want to tell your partner what’s on our mind. Everyone enjoys sexual fantasies as an integral part of their sexual expression. And rarely do those fantasies include the person right there bumpin’ parts with the person doing the fantasizing. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t ‘cha know! I mean, why would you want to leave your largest sexual organ, your brain, unstimulated when your pussy is having such a good time?

Why not just enjoy what works for you?

Good luck!

Name: Kevin
Age: 30
Location: Delaware
I would like to know why gay men and lesbian woman have fetishes (turned on by a certain body part). I’m turned on by feet and by men wearing all01010801150101031020071202061df1a0067a5a44f400c442.jpg types of boots and all types of sox please reply with answer thanx

Ya know, Kevin, fetishes are not just a gay/lesbian phenomenon. Every kind of person may have fetishes.

Fetishes come in all sizes and shapes; body parts, clothing, hair color, (racial fetishes…as we will see later) particular sex acts, sex toys, to name just a few. There are a few plausible explanations for these behaviors, but the one I prefer is that we learn our sexuality. All the things we eroticize — in your case feet, footwear and sox — are learned behaviors. I suppose that if you had the time and energy to retrace your steps, as it were, you’d find a specific time and place when you began to fetishize these things. The people who study human sexuality say that there is a pleasurable connection of one sort or another with everything we find erotic. Some fetishes develop later in life, some start when we are children or even infants.

Good luck!

Name: Mura
Age: 22
Location: Japan
I am 22 year old. I like and love strong and humor and good-looking male man. When saw the man like those, my cock is becoming hard and want to have sex. Frankly speaking, I like and love black Actors of USA Will Smith and Denzel Washington. When I watch their films, I do my cock by myself. I feel it s very nice. But I also think that it is not good. But I can’t control myself. I don’t know how to do. Please tell me your advice.

Lots of us share your sexual fantasies of black American actors.

— Denzel! Denzel! Denzel! Oh baby, oh baby, you make me so hot! —

And those that don’t share your (our) fantasy have other beloved fantasies of their own, just like Lenore and Kevin above you. There is nothing wrong with that. Masturbating to sexual fantasies is good and healthy. It will help you learn about your

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body. Enjoy yourself. Try not to think of yourself as having a problem. This is all very natural.

Good luck!

Name: Jose
Age: 27
Location: Miami
Dear Dr.Dick, I’m been having a problem for a long time I’m a goodlooking guy that works out, healthy, professional but I have a problem I can only have sex with men of color only I fantasy about it everyday till the other day I call an escort service and finally I did it but now I’m worse still having more fantasies everyday and I don’t know if this is an addiction problem or what, I try white guys but they do not turn me on at all and by the way I’m Latin, can you please advise.

Why do you think there’s a problem with your sexual preferences? It sounds like you’re doing fine, you’ve discovered that you’re into men of color.

— Denzel! Denzel! Denzel! Oh baby, oh baby, you make me so hot! …WHOOPS, I THERE I GO AGAIN…

No need to apologize for that. Why not just enjoy yourself…and the luscious black men that we love so much?

Good luck!

Who Can I Turn To?

Hello Dr. Dick! I have a serious question for you. I’m relatively new at this, so here goes. In trying to meet and make gay friends, I find that none want a friend. The only interest I find is for sex. Is this typical and is it a waste of time seeking gay friends?
— C

Dear C,

Thanks for your message and question.bw1.jpg

I’ve been hearing a lot of similar complaints from guys all over the country lately. Some are just coming out; others are just weary of the constant sexual competitiveness among gay men.

Let me begin by saying, yes, what you report is pretty typical. And, no, you’re not wasting your time looking for gay friends. That being said, you should also know that making friends in the gay community is often very different than making friends in the straight community. For the most part, the “getting-to-know-you” phase among gay men almost always has a sexual component to it. Is this a good thing? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Personally, this does not put me off, but that’s only because I understand the ground rules. If you’re approaching gay friendships with a heterosexual mindset, you’ll no doubt encounter some frustration. If, on the other hand, you accept the fact that casual sex is, at least for some, a legitimate means of getting to know someone, and is as good a reason as any for making friends, there will be less disappointment.

This can be very challenging for those whose sexual mores are not that open-ended. On the other hand, this can be an opportunity to open oneself up sexually and to learn to appreciate a wider range of sexual expression from the very casual to the deeply committed.

Good luck

Richard,
I really do appreciate your taking the time to respond. Yes, I am finding it difficult to navigate the gay waters. I’m not completely out and the primary reason (one could argue other reasons) has to do with what I see in the gay community. I don’t see the warmth or open friendliness I see in the Black community for example.
I recently moved to a new city in Indiana and joined a local predominately Black church. Even though I didn’t know anyone I was welcomed with open arms. The people there often invite me to events and gatherings. I have done the same in the gay community and it seems so cold and icy. I have attended a predominately gay church, joined a gay support group, etc. In none of these gay environments did I ever feel welcome. Few, if any, made any attempt to say hello let alone invite me to anything.
Without fail, each time I try to make a gay friend it’s unsuccessful because either they aren’t attracted to me or they are attracted to me but I’m not sexually attracted to them. But I have always welcomed the friendship.
Of course the most insulting thing happens when they ask for a face picture of me (those I meet on the Internet), even though I make it clear I’m only interested in friendship. Though they claim they are only interested in the same, in most instances once they see my face PIC they lose interest. Now, please explain to me why what I look like has anything to do with becoming a friend? Now, I may not be attracted to that person physically, but I would never not want to be a friend because of someone’s looks.
So, it seems I have few choices. I can sleep with someone I have absolutely no sexual interest in just in hopes of having a gay friend. Or, I can forget the gay friendship thing all together and accept the fact that having straight friends is the best way to go.
One more thing, it never fails that if there is someone I find very attractive, they are never interested in me. Never fails. I always attract guys that are 5 feet tall or 300 lbs and out of shape or 70 years old. Just once I would like someone around my age, my height and in relatively good shape. LOL! It seems the easiest thing is simply to find a gay male prostitute and pay him. Keep it all clear, business like and to the point. No games or issues. If I were rich that would be a great option.
I won’t even go into racism within the gay community…it’s just a mess. Most white guys won’t give a Black guy the time of day. <G>
Now I know what straight women go through. Gay men are even more superficial, so small wonder that relationships just don’t last and the ones that do are always, “open”
Okay, I’ve vented enough. LOL! Again, thanks for giving me some of your time.
— C

Dear C,

I kinda figured you were still in the closet. And, yes, that does have a lot to do with howblackcock.jpg other gay men perceive you. I mean, how would you respond to a fellow black man who was trying to pass himself off as white?

I’m glad you brought up the warm reception you are receiving in your black church. You are welcomed there because they recognize you; you are familiar to them. No big stretch for either them or you, huh? I wonder though, would they be as welcoming and inclusive if they knew you were a big ol’ gay homosexual? Probably not! Sexual bigotry can and does trump even the strongest bonds that shared race and ethnicity engender.

Your reception in the gay community is similarly determined. Ambivalence about one’s sexuality, like ambivalence about one’s race, sends a strong message to the community at large. It declares to the group that the individual is not to be trusted, at least not until he proves himself worthy of that trust. Seems to me, you’re expecting more of a stretch from your gay sisters and brothers then you’re asking of your black church. And that double standard adds to your alienation.

Despite your protestations to the contrary, you do discriminate for superficial reasons, just like most of your gay (and non-gay) peers. Check it out, your words betray you. Apparently there is no room in your circle of friends for effeminate men, guys who are much older than you, or, god forbid, anyone who is out of shape.

Ahhh the heartland, beautiful Indiana! There’s another big part of your problem right there. Even I know that Indiana is not a hot bed of big ol’ gay homosexual-ism. Most of the guys you’re trying to relate to, there in the Hoosier State, are probably closeted or semi-closeted just like you. That kind of stultifying atmosphere breeds fear and mistrust. It also militates against intimacy and openness. But don’t underestimate the resilience and adaptability of us gay folk. Even in deepest darkest Indiana there are gay couples successfully living out their lives together with pride and love in very long-term relationships.

You conclude that you now know what straight women go through. How very insightful! Solidarity with women and others who have been sexually oppressed or objectified does us men a world of good. It should help keep us humble.

So bro, high marks for your critique of the gay community. (Although, how difficult is it to point out the obvious?) Lucky for you, I have a sure-fire way to immediately improve the status quo. Get off your pity pot and jettison all those bogus reasons for remaining closeted. Nowadays, coming out is not optional; it’s a fundamental developmental task that each of us must face, even those who live in god’s country. Failure to address this basic responsibility to yourself will stunt your growth as a human being, because you’ll never be able to live an authentic life. You, and most of those around you, will always know you’re living a lie. Coming out will make you a better person, improve your local gay community and make the world a better place to live…because one more person — YOU — are being true to yourself.

And while you’re working on the task at hand, don’t be so hard on yourself or your gay brothers. None of this is easy. Each of us is fighting our own demons, and sometimes that battle is so fierce that we don’t immediately recognize the folks around us who could and would be our natural allies.

Good luck

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

Today, I will start with a declaration. A “Thus Sayth Doctor Dick,” sorta deal. I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. I reject the concept of sex addiction, that is floating around in the popular culture these days. I know this will rankle a bunch of you, but you need to get over it. Ya see, there ain’t no such thing as a sex addiction. Period!

That being said, I hasten to add that there are sexual compulsions, plenty of ‘em. However, compulsions are not addictions and addictions, while they may involve irresistible impulses, are not the same thing as compulsions. Get it? Got it? Good!

Check it out. With the help of my handy-dandy dictionary, a good place to start in all such discussions, I discovered these two very distinct definitions.

Addiction — a need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. Broadly: persistent use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. A state of physiological and psychological dependence on a drug.

Compulsive — driven by an irresistible inner force to do something; i.e. a compulsive liar.See! Different words. Different meanings. Not a particularly complex notion to grasp, right?

And listen, just because a bunch of pseudo-intelligent afternoon talks show hosts banter the two concepts about like they were interchangeable doesn’t make it so. In fact, we do ourselves a huge disservice by jumbling these two very specific concepts. Because finding the proper intervention for either an addiction or a compulsive behavior will be as specific as the problem itself. One thing is for certain; misidentifying one of the things, as the other will surly complicate the problem solving. It’s kinda like going to the doctor with a headache, and when the doc asks where it hurts, you point to your stomach. It simply won’t do.

Dear Dr. Dick, I’ve been married for 5 years now and truly love my wife, however I can never seem to get enough sex. I am 30 and she’s 29, but I constantly find myself in the chat rooms and porn sites lookin for more sex. It’s more than just a hobby; it’s a habit! And if I have a few cocktails in me, and that happens more and more, I really can’t stop myself. I once lost a job once because I used the work computer to search the web for sex. It’s like I’m addicted to sex. My wife knows I have played around (we even did a 3-way once and it was totally hot) but she has no idea how extreme it’s become. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m not unhappy with my wife. I just can’t seem to stop wanting sex. Any suggestions?   — Brian

Dear Brian,

You got it bad, and that ain’t good!porn.jpg

It’s interesting to note that you tell me about your compulsive sexual behavior in the same breath that you claim to love your wife. Love and sex are two very different things. And as you’ve probably guessed already, there’s no necessary connection between the two. Sometimes they go together, but not always. So it is possible to love someone dearly and deeply, but still be consumed with pursuing sex with others.

It appears to me that you’ve really got two problems happening simultaneously. First, your compulsive prowling of the internet for sex. (This is complicated by your alcohol abuse.) Second, the deception you’re practicing on your wife. Let’s deal with each of these in turn.

Your particular sexual activity, like any compulsive behavior (over eating, excessive shopping, etc.), is more than just a bad habit. It’s a serious dysfunction. Take it from me, breaking this behavior pattern will be very difficult, if not impossible, without some professional help. If the problem is as serious as you say, then you’d better seek help right away. This sort of thing, if left untreated, will not only destroy your marriage; it will ruin your life. When you seek professional help, I encourage you to include information about your alcohol consumption. If there is an addiction in all of this, it’s the alcohol, not the sex. And in your case, your (alcohol) addiction may be fueling your (sex) compulsion.

Look for a sex-positive therapist, someone who has experience working with other people similarly challenged. A support group may also be an option. Since you’re not alone in this, there is probably a group already meeting in where you live. You’ll need to do some legwork to uncover these resources, but I promise you it will be well worth your effort.

Now, regarding your relationship. It’s imperative that you come clean with your wife about your (sex) compulsion and probable (alcohol) addiction. Not only will you feel better not having to deceive her anymore, but you’ll also need her support in overcoming these problems. I suggest that you attend to this right away. There’s not a moment to lose.

Good luck

Hey doc! I think I’m addicted to having sex on the internet. I haven’t told my partner. Do you think this is a form of cheating or is it just harmless fun? I like getting off with guys in chat rooms and with my webcam. I feel guilty about it so I guess this tells me something!— Luke

Dear Luke,

You’re having what is commonly known as cyber sex, right? If that’s a good call on myfingering.jpg part, I don’t consider it a form of “cheating” on your partner, any more than I would consider jerking off to porn to be cheating. (We’ll address this notion of cheating in a later column.)

However, your feelings of guilt are another thing all together. They tell me that you are not at peace with your sexual practices. Maybe you need to take a look at this. Are your cyber pursuits a serious concern? Do you squander your sexual energy on cyber sex, instead of sharing it with your partner? Only you can determine this for sure. I can assure you that the guilt feelings will continue to plague you until you dump the sexual practices that are hurtful to you and those you love, and integrate healthier ones in their place.

Good luck

Hi Dr. Dick, My boyfriend cheats on me. Every time he does he begs me for forgiveness. I think ok, but don’t do that again. I love him, but I hate feeling bad all the time. I feel stupid putting up with all of this, but I can’t leave him. I still love him. Please give me some advice. Thank You. Hope to here from you soon, Denise

Dear Denise,cunny_illus.jpg

Before we turn our attention to your boyfriend, let me make a quick observation about you, Denise. You’re a mess, girl! I mean really, take a long hard look at yourself, you’re a freakin’ doormat! How’s the BF supposed to respect you when you have no respect for yourself? How can you say that you love a person that makes you feel bad? You are deceiving yourself, girlfriend, cuz LOVE don’t ever make you feel bad.

As screwed up as your BF is, and he is pretty fucked up, he is just part of the problem. You’ve got some obsession issues yourself that you need to address.Your boyfriend probably has you pegged as a pussy…and not in a good way. He knows you will tolerate his misbehavior, which of course gives him permission to do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feel like doing it. If you’re really serious about reining in the bastard, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate. Until you do precisely that he’ll just think that he can roam wherever he wants and whenever he wants.

There are root causes for his behavior, just like there is a root cause for your behavior. To get to the bottom of all of this each of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy with a therapist. One can only hope that there’s a bank of goodwill between the two of you, enough to carry the day. However, if I had to guess, I’d say there was a slim to no chance for that, right? If so, I advise you throw the bum out. And no more relationships for you till you get your head screwed on tighter.

Good Luck

IM Distress Signals

When I first began writing this advice column, back in the Paleolithic era, most correspondence came via snail mail. Those were the days, huh? Email replaced letters as the dominant means of communication about 8 years ago, and so it remains today. Lately, there’s been yet another innovation — the Instant Messenger. Never fear, Dr Dick stands at the ready to console and advise even at cyber speed.
Instant messenger technology allows me to do something I’ve never been able to do before, save the whole shebang as a single document. This, dear readers, will provide you, as you will see below, an intimate vantage point to a crisis as it is being reveled.
What follows is an abridged version of an exchange I recently had with a good friend. This is someone I deeply respect and admire. However, my friend has been through a terrible lot this past year and the signs of stress are beginning to show. His judgment, generally razor sharp, is now clouded and he is consumed with self-doubt.

William: Hey Dick, I have a question. Do you know the current social standards surrounding marijuana use?

DD: Are there current standards? I didn’t get the memo.

William: Smart ass!
Let me put it a different way, is daily, long-term use of pot a sign of an addiction?

DD: Probably. Certainly designates one as a heavy user.
There is a simple test. Can/will the user go 48hrs without?

William: Here’s the deal, a guy I hang with smokes every time we get together. He says it relaxes him after a hard day. I told him I thought that was a rationalization. I don’t drink daily; so I have to deal with life as it presents itself, rough edges and all.

DD: I guess you told him, huh?

William: I know I can’t drink every day without it becoming a problem for me, but am wondering if pot smokers think daily usage is different than what I think about daily drinking?

DD: See my comments above.

William: My friend’s paternal grandfather was an alcoholic; his dad neverglory_hole_d29.jpg drank. My friend admits to doing 200 hits of acid in high school and crystal when first arriving in town 10 years ago. He claims he hasn’t done either for 7 years.
Trouble is my Dad was an angry alcoholic so this guy’s marijuana use triggers feelings of abandonment and flashbacks of abuse in me.

DD: Right about now you should be hearing yourself say out loud: “Whoops, where did I put my car keys? Gotta run! Call me when you get home from Betty Ford”

William: I confronted my friend about his pot consumption and he got all defensive. He countered with, “what am I supposed to do, not smoke while you’re around? He was already high when we had this exchange. He said I should have warned him about not smoking before he rolled the joint he just smoked.

DD: Wait a minute; he’s saying his drug “(ab)use” is now your issue? Why does this stink to high-heaven?
Here’s a tip; don’t be surprised when you confront a pot-head, while he’s ripped, about his habit and he gets, as you say, “all defensive”.
William, I’m pretty confident that was not a teachable moment, don’t you agree?

William: The problem is he’s generally stoned by the time we get together, so there’s no real good time to talk to him.
I even entertained the idea of smoking with him to get in the same mind set. Instead, I drank a half a bottle of wine. I realized later that both options were self-defeating.

DD: At least you’re clear on that. In this instance, sinking to the lowest common denominator is not a good idea.

William: Bottom line is I feel he needs to smoke to be around me.

DD: I suggest that he needs to smoke around everyone and everything, not just you.

William: I am thinking this is an indicator of his low-self esteem.

DD: You betcha! Aren’t all addictions?

William: Maybe I am projecting.

DD: What if you are? It doesn’t diminish the fact you called it right.

William: I also questioned what type of relationship we are forming if all our time together happens while he’s in an altered state.

DD: That’s easy, a codependent one!

William: I’ve been thinking, maybe he needs to smoke to have sex. Maybe that’s the only way he can cope with his guilt or shame. When he smokes he likes to top me. But when I top him, he’s a very passive. I told him what I like sexually, so he knows. But he doesn’t even try to please me. He doesn’t play with my nips when I top, which is the only way I can cum. When I bottom it’s simply out of desire for intimacy, it doesn’t do anything for me sexually.

DD: YIKES! Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Like my momma always used to say, “if it has four wheels or a dick you know you’re gonna have trouble with it.”

William: For example, when I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wantedmale_art2.jpg sexually the other night, I shut down. I got him off and he fell asleep.
He knows me well enough to know when I’m pissed. So the next time we were together, he asked if he had done something wrong. He’s a fuckin’ genius! He asked if he had been too passive as a bottom. Unfortunately, he was pretty stoned at this point, so I thought any further discussion would be fruitless.

DD: Again, YIKES! Any more red flags and this would be a Chinese New Year Parade, for christ sake!

William: If I dump him, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?

DD: Darlin’, there is no baby in the bath water! There’s just a fucked up stoner dude who is taking you for a ride. He’s welcome to live his life as he so chooses. You, on the other hand, need to find someone a less fucked up.

William: I like him, he is smart, affectionate and we have the same analytical way of thinking.

DD: When he’s not stoned, ya mean.
Here’s a suggestion, why not keep him as a friend. Have dinner together occasionally, enjoy his sparkling conversation and then, quick as you can, get back in your car and go home.

William: He takes care of my physical needs, except sexually. There is, after all, more to a relationship than sex.

DD: EXCEPT SEXUALLY????? That’s like saying he takes care of your nutrition needs, except for the protein and carbohydrates. Sheesh!
You’re right, there is more to a healthy relationship than sex. But given that you are an intensely sexual man, why would you start a relationship with a deficit like this?

William: This is triggering my deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which I fully accept as my own shit. I want to please him, so I did not ask him to stop smoking around me. But I did tell him how “not present” he is to me when he smokes prior to sex.

DD: I am so amazed that you are bottoming for this dude. What’s up with that? You hate being a bottom. Listen darlin’, you are way too needy at this point to be looking to someone like this to even begin to meet your needs.

William: He said that he did not think his personality changed when he smokes. But yet he thinks people liked him better when he’s got a buzz on.

DD: Where did you find this guy? Does he live under a bridge?

William: Is this a glitch in a new relationship? Do you think I should hang in there during this adjustment period?

DD: This is scariest thing you’ve said up to this point.
GLITCH??? Are you serious? Does a stripped down, burnt out skeleton of a car on the what_a_ride.jpgside of the road, suggest to you that the owner is having a problem with his windshield wipers? Good lord, man, what can you be thinking?
What follows comes from the deepest recesses of my heart, William. I put this out there because you are my friend. The fellow you describe would be a handful for you if you were at your peak of your emotional and psychological powers. But even then, I’d suggest you avoid him like the plague.
But now, dear William, you are in crisis. You’ve had a terrible lot happen to you this past year. You are hanging on by a thread. I support and encourage all your efforts to find your balance in your life once again, because you are a good and resilient person.
I empathize with your desire to connect with someone who will love you, stand by you and care for you during this difficult time. This is decidedly not the time to be taking on dead weight.
Look to yourself, care for yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself, heal yourself. Come back to us refreshed and whole. Then, and only then, will you be able to take on a complete wreck of a project like this dude.
Count on me to walk through this with you. Thanks for letting me be part of your life. Remember, I’m only as far away as your Instant Messenger.

Over and Out!

Pros and Wannabes

When it comes to sex, pro and amateur alike have issues. (It’s a good thing too; otherwise I’d be out of work.) Weather one is just getting the hang of things or one is making bank pleasuring others, body awareness and sexual technique can be fine-tuned.

In our culture just about everyone, regardless of age, faces some kind of bugaboo about sex and/or intimacy. When we are young, inexperience and the sexual misconceptions and misinformation that accompanies youth can seem charming to some. Youth, after all, is a time for stumbling about.

Not so when we’re all grown up. Those who are old enough to know better, but don’t, are not judged as indulgently as greenhorn youth. Older folks are expected to learn the lessons of youth while we are young. And while there are a whole set of particular issues that arise for us in our middle years, it’s exasperating to encounter an oldster who is still clueless about the fundamentals.

Hey Dick!
As you know, I am an escort. My business is doing very well. In fact, so well I need to ask if you know of any meds, besides Viagra, that I can take that will help me maintain an erection over a longer period of time?
Can I be frank? Here’s the deal, let’s say I have I have two one-hour clients during the day. Then a regular of mine calls and wants an all-nighter. That’s not a problem other than the fact that this particular client wants to get fucked hard. I mean real hard, for hours at a time. He’s an insatiable power bottom.
I want to be able to ride his ass, like the bitch he is. Hell, I’m even attracted to him. I just can’t stay hard enough to fuck him like he likes (especially after having had the two clients before him that same day). Sometimes I have difficulty getting it up for him, and wind up finger-fucking him till my hand is sore. I do not want to lose this client. And shifting days is not the solution. Because when he wants it he wants it and I have to produce. That’s what I do, I sell “muscle.” I have a reputation for giving the best hard driving, dominating and controlling sex around.
Again, is there a medication I can take to maintain the erection?
Works Hard

Dear WH,

Your life reads like a cheap porn movie script. Lordy, the good doctor nearly got the

copy-of-ego_jock0.jpg

vapors simply reading through your very explicit missive. (As you can see, I had to edit out some of the more gory details so I could protect your identity in this public forum.) Of course, as you suggest, it never hurts to advertise. You’re so bad!

I thoroughly understand the pressures you and other sex workers face. It’s not as glamorous a life as it is often portrayed, huh? Ok, so you’re beautiful, men idolize you and crave your attention. You’re getting loads of sex, putting all those “bitches” in their place, and crying all the way to the bank. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. But then again, there are all those sniggling performance issues that even a he-man like you must contend with.

The trouble lies in the fact that you are a workaholic. And that’s never good, regardless of the work one does. Sex work, like any other work, will burn you out if you’re not careful. If you don’t learn to pace yourself, darlin’, you’ll fizzle. (How’s that for an appropriate euphemism?) And from what you tell me, this is already beginning to happen. Keep it up (no pun intended), you won’t be the first causality in this line of work, nor will you be the last. But If you ask me, and I happen to know a little something about sex work myself, the object here is to grow old (or older in your case) in your chosen profession.

I’m tellin’ ya, WH, if the erectile burnout don’t get ya the psychological torment will. I’ll bet you’re terrified the word will get out that MR. Big-Beautiful-29-year-old-Stud-Power-Fucker can’t get it up. That would be real bad for business. And you know how those johns can gossip. Bitches! They don’t know that you’re servicing men at a rate that would make a superhero blush. All they see is limp willie and that spells trouble right there in River City.

It’s not surprising that you are having erection concerns given the number of clients you are seeing in one day. I mean, girlfriend, when do you find time to eat? You don’t need a new med, you need a vacation. If Viagra and a good cock ring don’t do the trick, then, in my humble opinion, your body is telling you to slow the fuck down.

And here’s another tip; research is beginning to show that prolonged and persistent use of Viagra can have some very unpleasant side effects. Those who overuse this potent cardiovascular drug, particularly young men who use it recreationally, may be in for some very unpleasant surprises down the road. So, I have one simple suggestion, WH, have a care about your sexual wellbeing and treat your dick gently. Despite the pounding you can inflict with it, it is a very delicate mechanism.

Good Luck

Dear doc, I am just about to turn 50 years of age. Is there a sex life ahead for me? I love sex clubs and anonymous sex. But is it too late for me to get into a relationship.
Washed up?

I regret to inform you, Washed, sex does, indeed, come to a screeching halt right as you turn 50. In fact your dick is gonna fall off too, cuz you ain’t gonna be needin’ that little thing no more.zoo_3_bg_070402.jpg

I mean, come on, I’m sure you know better than that. Thanks to the wonders of modern pharmacology even Bob Dole is getting laid, for Christ sake. Wake up and smell the coffee, Washed!

Oh, and one other thing, since there’s no guarantee that you’ve taken note of this subtlety, especially seein’ how you missed the big picture above, I have a tip for you. If it’s relationship sex you’re after, you’re gonna have to look for that in a different venue than where you are currently skulking around for stand-up sex. And you can pretty much count on the fact that relationship sex is gonna demand a whole different set of skills than anonymous sex. Do you have what it takes? Hmmm, the jury is still out on that. But if you’re just now lookin to nest at 50, I’d say an acquittal is highly unlikely.

Good Luck

Dear Doctor, I am gay, 49 and after a “broken heart” in my 30’s I went back to the closet for 20 years. I feel so lonely. Seems I have wasted my life. At my age, how can I ever find a lover with whom I can truly be happy, both spiritually and sexually? This is very difficult for me and I really would appreciate any good advice. Thank you. Kind regards.
Lonely in Louvain

Dear LL,

Hey, it’s never too late to find what you are looking for. However, this particular questleavemealone.jpg is not for the faint of heart. If you’re prone to retreat into your shell, or closet as the case may be, every time you are disappointed or rejected, don’t even start this adventure. But, if your life of loneliness and isolation has taught you to value the companionship and love of others, then your years in the closet may not have been a total waste. Get out there and make a difference.

Live authentically; it is the best aphrodisiac. You may not find everything you are looking for in one package, but that shouldn’t matter. That’s the stuff for fairytales. The object is to satisfy your needs. So, if you find satisfying sex with one person and spiritual fulfillment with another, so be it.

And may I suggest that you try and expand your concepts of what defines happiness for you. You don’t want to box yourself in now that you’re finally venturing out of the closet.

Good Luck

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