Self-Love Is Important, but We Mammals Are Stuck With Sex

— Some female birds, reptiles and other animals can make a baby on their own. But for mammals like us, eggs and sperm need each other.

Parthenogenesis could be the future for this California condor species, but not for any mammals you know.

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If Galentine’s Day had an animal mascot, it would have to be one of the species whose females can reproduce without a mate. Nearly all animals make more of themselves the traditional way, by combining eggs and sperm. But some have an alternative called parthenogenesis: no males needed.

No matter how many romantically frustrated mammals have wished they could truly go it alone, though, a genetic quirk means we still need sexual reproduction. For now, parthenogenesis is for the birds (and the bees), the fishes and the reptiles.

One of the most famous recent cases of parthenogenesis involved California condors, an endangered species. In 2013, Leona Chemnick, then a researcher at the San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance, discovered that two male chicks in the condor breeding program had DNA that didn’t match that of the fathers in their cages — or of any other male. The chicks’ DNA only matched their moms’.

Ms. Chemnick caught Oliver Ryder, the zoo’s director of conservation genetics, on the way to his car and asked him about the odd data she was seeing. He explained to Ms. Chemnick that any such condor chicks must have come from eggs that were not fertilized by sperm.

“We were literally walking out to the parking lot and had this eureka moment,” Dr. Ryder said. “We didn’t have time to dance or anything.”

By the time the two scientists and other colleagues published their parthenogenesis finding in 2021, the two unusual chicks, or parthenotes, were long gone. They’d both died young, at almost 2 years and almost 8. Their mothers both had many other offspring, though, conceived with their mates in the usual way (despite headlines declaring virgin births).

A condor swoops through the air in front of a partly cloudy sky.
Since researchers started to pay attention, they have found at least four California condors with no father.

Every condor conception is a miracle of another kind. In 1982, when only 22 California condors remained on the planet, conservationists began trapping every bird and bringing them into captivity in a desperate bid to save the species. In 2022, the birds numbered 561, most of them free in the wild.

A crucial part of growing that healthy condor population has been tracking the birds’ genetics, which allowed the discovery of the parthenote chicks. Since finding the first two, Dr. Ryder said, his team has discovered two more, although they died before hatching.

How their moms made them is a bit murky.

Condors, like most animals, carry two copies of every gene — one copy from each parent. To make a sperm or egg cell, an animal must divide its genetic material in half. When egg and sperm meet during sexual reproduction, they combine their genes to create one complete new genome.

To make chicks without any sperm, the condor moms must have doubled the DNA from an egg. There are a few ways this could have happened, Dr. Ryder said, and his team is conducting a deeper analysis that should resolve the mystery.

Other birds, including chickens and turkeys, have also accomplished the feat. Then there are the reptiles, including Komodo dragons and other clever girls, that have been found to reproduce this way. Last year, scientists reported parthenogenesis in an American crocodile. There are even some snake and lizard species that reproduce only through parthenogenesis and have given up sex entirely.

A crocodile’s eyes and rear ridges poke out from water.
American crocodiles are among the “clever girls” in nonmammalian species who have pulled off parthenogenesis.

Many insects and other invertebrates can reproduce without males. Certain sharks and other fishes can, too. One captive whitespotted bamboo shark bore several parthenotes, and one of those grew up to have her own fatherless offspring.

At Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, a female zebra shark named Bubbles had two parthenote pups in 2016, though both died shortly after hatching. Like the California condors, Bubbles surprised scientists with her quasi-virgin birth because she wasn’t alone at the time. She was living with two male sharks, which presumably wouldn’t have minded sharing their sperm.

No one knows whether a female can choose to reproduce on her own — say, if her current breeding options are unsatisfying — or whether parthenogenesis happens outside her control.

“It would be fascinating if they could willfully decide to do that,” Dr. Ryder said.

Humans have only noticed parthenogenesis when solo females had young or when researchers were monitoring a population’s genes. Given how many different branches of life have demonstrated the ability, though, many more kinds of female animals could be secretly reproducing on their own.

“It’s probably much more widespread than we think,” Dr. Ryder said.

Scientists are confident, though, that no mammal mother is having fatherless babies. We’re hampered by something called genomic imprinting.

To understand imprinting, recall that animals divide their paired genes in half to make a sperm or egg cell. Mammal parents add one more flourish to this process: They put chemical tags onto certain clusters of genes. The tags make those genes unreadable, as if the genetic instructions were struck through with a black marker.

After a mammal’s sperm and egg cells combine, those marked genes will stay silent. That means even though the offspring still has two copies of every gene, it may only use the copy from its mother or from its father, because the other copy is unreadable.

We can see imprinting in action when, for example, a lion and a tiger breed together in captivity. The resulting big cat looks different — a bulky liger or a petite tigon — depending on which species is the mom and which is the dad. At the imprinted sites, the hybrid is either all lion or all tiger.

“It’s really difficult to understand why this process evolved,” said Anne Ferguson-Smith, a developmental geneticist at the University of Cambridge.

Scientists have suggested that imprinting reflects a kind of evolutionary battle between the parents. That’s because many imprinted genes affect growth. The father’s modifications to the genome generally make his offspring grow bigger, while the mother’s changes keep the babies a more manageable size.

Baby turkeys cluster in a group, most in shadow but some in the dark.
How turkeys and other animals pull off reproduction without a male animal’s sperm is a bit murky.

However, Dr. Ferguson-Smith suspects the true story is more complex. Some imprinted genes affect the offspring’s brain and behavior, or even how they’ll care for their own young in the future.

Regardless of why we imprint our genomes, the result is that mammals’ sperm and eggs need each other.

If a mammal mom tried to make a baby the way Bubbles the shark did, by doubling the genes from her own egg, her offspring wouldn’t develop. Genes that she silenced would be totally absent. Other genes would be present at twice the usual dose, because the offspring would be missing the usually silent copy from a father. This can also cause serious problems, Dr. Ferguson-Smith said.

Mammals, then, are stuck with sex. But some scientists are experimenting with ways to rescue endangered animals whose dating pools are small or nonexistent.

Dr. Ryder at the San Diego Zoo, for instance, is involved in efforts to create embryos using frozen cells and then put the cloned embryos into surrogates of closely related species. So far he has helped to create a black-footed ferret clone named Elizabeth Ann and two Przewalski’s horses. The younger cloned foal was born last year and named Ollie, in Dr. Ryder’s honor.

Two rhinos walk along a path.
While mammals can’t use parthenogenesis, scientists are trying to find ways to save species with limited or non-existent dating pools, like the northern white rhinoceros.
Researchers at San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance turned northern white rhino stem cells into beating cardiac cells.

Dr. Ryder’s colleagues are also using genetic technology to try to save the northern white rhinoceros, a subspecies in dire trouble — only two are alive. A few years ago, he said, researchers at the San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance took a step in that direction.

They coaxed frozen cells from northern white rhinos to become stem cells. Ultimately, those stem cells could be turned into eggs and sperm. But first, as a test, the researchers told the cells to become heart muscle.

When Dr. Ryder saw northern white rhino heart cells beating in a dish, it was as good as a valentine.

Complete Article HERE!

Is It Safe to Have Sex If You Have Heart Disease?

by Maggie O’Neill

Key Takeaways

  • Most people with heart disease can safely engage in sexual activity.
  • But sex can exacerbate some specific heart conditions, and anyone with heart disease should be mindful of warning signs like shortness of breath or chest pain during sex.
  • It’s important to speak with a healthcare provider about the benefits and risks of sex after a heart disease diagnosis.

You should be mindful of how you feel during sex—or any other form of physical activity—if you have heart disease. However, having heart disease doesn’t necessarily mean you have to abstain from sex.

“Generally speaking, sexual activity is safe for patients with cardiovascular disease,” Lindsey Rosman, PhD, assistant professor of medicine in the division of cardiology at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, told Verywell.1

>It may be helpful to think about the risks and benefits of sex the same way you would a workout, Jim Liu, MD, clinical assistant professor of internal medicine at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, told Verywell. “I would think of sexual activity as any other physical activity—your blood pressure goes up, your heart rate goes up, and that’s how [sex] really impacts the heart,” he explained.

While sex is usually safe if you’re living with a heart condition, you should talk with your healthcare provider about any concerning symptoms to look out for during sex.

“Patients and their spouses are very reluctant to ever ask about sexual activity, and doctors are not very good at spontaneously bringing up the topic,” Glenn Levine, MD, professor of medicine in the cardiology department at Baylor College of Medicine, told Verywell. “Both patients and providers should be aware of this and not be afraid to bring this topic up on the part of the patient and their spouse.”

It’s important to know that living with a heart condition doesn’t mean that sex is “dangerous” for you. In fact, it can be good for your overall health and well-being. “Sexual activity is a form of exercise which can help strengthen your heart, reduce stress, and improve sleep,” Rosman said.

It may have benefits beyond the physical, Liu added. “Having sex has an impact on people’s quality of life, and this may have an indirect [positive] impact on heart health,” he said.

“There is a slightly elevated risk of experiencing a cardiac event whenever you’re physically active, whether it’s sexual activity or going for a walk,” Rosman said.

Is It Possible to Have a Heart Attack During Sex?

However, heart attacks during sex do not happen often. “Sex is a relatively rare trigger of heart attack or sudden death,” Rosman said. She added that less than one percent of all heart attacks occur during sexual activity.

Anyone with a heart condition should watch for the following warning signs during or after sexual activity, Rosman said:

  • Chest pain
  • Shortness of breath
  • Rapid heart rate
  • Irregular heart rate
  • Dizziness
  • Insomnia after sexual activity
  • Fatigue the day after sexual activity

If you have heart disease and start to experience these symptoms, contact a healthcare provider.

Does Heart Disease Impact Sexual Function?

A heart disease diagnosis can impact your sex life in many different ways, experts said. The disease itself and the treatments prescribed can affect sexual function.2

“Heart disease and its treatment can change the way blood circulates throughout the body and may reduce the amount of blood supplied by the heart to distant areas of your body, including the genital region,” Rosman said. “Reduced blood flow can lead to erectile dysfunction in men and sexual arousal difficulties in women, [meaning] both men and women may experience difficulty reaching orgasm.”

The toll heart disease takes on your mental health can indirectly affect your sexual health.3 “Emotional stress, depression, and anxiety are common in patients with cardiovascular disease and are associated with increased risk for sexual problems,” Rosman said.

Following a heart disease diagnosis, you may become less physically active than you were before, which could affect your sexual desire and performance, she added.

Partners of people with heart disease may also be affected: “Heart disease can be stressful for patients’ spouses and partners, which can impact intimate relationships,” Rosman explained.

Lastly, the symptoms that come with heart disease—such as palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, and fatigue—may make people who experience them less likely to want to engage in sexual activity.

Can People With Heart Disease Take Medications That Affect Sexual Performance?

If you’ve been diagnosed with heart disease, it’s important to speak with a healthcare provider before taking any new medications, including those for sexual performance. In general, most drugs that enhance libido (sex drive) or otherwise impact sexual performance are safe. However, some people who take erectile dysfunction medications should be aware of possible side effects or complications.

“Medications to treat erectile dysfunction such as Viagra [sildenafil], Cialis [tadalafil], Stendra [avanafil], and Levitra [vardenafil] are generally safe for patients with heart disease,” Rosman said. “[But] men with cardiovascular disease should use these medications with caution because they can cause a temporary drop in blood pressure.”

Erectile dysfunction medications can be dangerous for people with heart problems who take nitrate therapy for chest pain, experts said.3 “You can never take nitrates with those kinds of medications,” Liu said. It’s important for people who do take nitrates for chest pain to know there are other treatments for erectile dysfunction, Rosman added.

If you have heart disease, you should talk to a healthcare provider before trying any new medication, including over-the-counter [OTC] therapies. “Patients should not use dietary supplements and other [OTC] pills for erectile dysfunction without discussing these medications with their doctor,” Rosman said.

Who Should Avoid Sex With Heart Disease?

Though sex is typically safe for people with heart disease, sex may exacerbate some specific conditions, Rosman said. For this reason, “patients with advanced [heart] disease, unstable angina, or uncontrolled hypertension should talk to their doctor before engaging in sexual activity,” she explained. Those with advanced disease include people with unstable coronary disease or severe heart failure, Liu said.

Talking to a Healthcare Provider About Sex and Heart Disease

It’s normal to want to resume sexual activity after a heart disease diagnosis. “Returning to sexual activity is a common concern for patients with heart disease,” Rosman said.3

When possible, you should discuss the risks and benefits of sexual activity with your healthcare provider and your partner, Rosman said.

Your cardiologist may suggest therapies outside of heart disease treatments that may help. “If emotional distress, depression, and anxiety are contributing to sexual difficulties, patients may benefit from individual counseling with a licensed psychologist or mental health provider,” Rosman said. “Couples therapy may also be beneficial.”

Complete Article HERE!

True romance

— How to keep the love alive when sex has gone

Fantasising about other people? Wishing your partner was younger or fitter? It doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship

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It’s rare for intense sexual chemistry to last. “We don’t talk about it enough,” says the relationship therapist Cate Campbell, “but it’s very normal for attraction to wane in a long-term relationship, especially as people get older and bodies change. Even if you love and care for your partner, you may fantasise about other people or wish they were younger or fitter. Mother nature tricks our brains into only seeing the positives when we start dating, but that wears off over time.”

Some people find that loss of sexual connection is a dealbreaker, especially when it’s accompanied by other problems in the relationship. “If couples get out of the habit of being intimate,” Campbell says, “it can make them more critical of each other’s flaws.”

But it is possible to keep love alive, and even reignite that sexual spark.

Communicate openly

According to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur, nothing is more important in relationships than old-fashioned communication. “If you find the sex is missing, have an open conversation about it. Try bringing it up in a non-pressurised environment – like when you’re walking or cooking together. This creates a bit of space so you don’t have to answer questions right away.”

Taking the time to think about what’s caused the physical rift helps couples engage with what’s going on, and consider other forms of intimacy. It’s something that worked for Claire, 36, who has been with her partner for 10 years.

“When the sex went from our relationship a couple of years ago, we talked about it openly,” she says. “He told me that he didn’t fancy me, and I appreciated his honesty. We got together after running a business together so we’d never had that intense honeymoon period. Our relationship was built on mutual trust and enjoying each other’s company, but it got harder during Covid because we had the stress of trying to keep the business going.”

They separated briefly, but soon realised they didn’t want to be apart. “Ultimately, we are partners in life and have always supported each other in everything. For me, being able to have honest, open communication in a life you’ve built together is more important than sex.”

With so much history behind them, Claire found that focusing on their memories and achievements strengthened their bond. “Our relationship is based on achieving things as a team. To support that love, we’ve continued being intimate in other ways, such as hugging, sharing a bed and spending quality time together outside work.”

After two years without sexual contact, the intimacy between them is starting to grow. “It might come back even more when our child leaves home later in life. But for now I appreciate what we have, how well he treats me, and how he supports me through mental health challenges. People think the grass is always greener, but it takes time to build lasting intimacy and I don’t want to throw all that away.”

Kaur agrees that celebrating milestones can be a fantastic way to stop partners from taking each other for granted and recognise the evolution of their relationship. “It can be anniversaries or things you’ve achieved as a couple, such as having children or buying a home together. I recommend writing these things down because it encourages reflection and it helps to build positive memories. You can also try writing down your partner’s best qualities to remind yourself why you were drawn to them in the first place.”

Tackle the weak spots in your relationship

Unlike food and shelter, sexual chemistry isn’t No 1 in the hierarchy of human needs. Relationships coach Katarina Polonska, who specialises in supporting high-achieving couples, says that grappling to achieve the “big ticket” items in life, such as a good career or building a home, can mean people deprioritise their partner, leading to a loss of sexual interest. “To feel in love after the honeymoon period is a choice – it’s not something we can expect to last,” she says. “To make that choice, we have to make room to feel desire and love. The first thing I ask couples when they’re losing desire for each other is whether there are any other stressors in their life, such as work or caring duties.”

For couples who identify this as a problem, making more time for each other can help them reconnect and regain that sexual chemistry. “Another common reason that people stop fancying their partner is due to past resentments and unresolved relationship issues. These can be tiny microaggressions, but over time they grow into something bigger.”

She recommends that couples take at least 30 minutes each week to try the “three things” exercise. “You share three things you appreciate and three things you need the person to know, for example times you didn’t feel seen or heard, or something that has rocked your trust. Then you share three things that you need, such as acts of romance or help around the house. It’s important not to judge, but give each other space to share.”

Build an intimacy routine

Intimacy is often associated with sex, but Campbell points out that it can be so much more than that. “To keep a loving relationship going without sex, it’s important to build an intimacy routine, for example hugging and kissing before you go out. Sometimes applying a sex ban can be helpful to take the pressure off completely and see what happens when you try holding hands or just cuddling on the sofa.”

She adds that if partners still care about each other, spending quality time together is likely to improve the relationship, and those feelings of sexual chemistry could return – even after years without it.

For some couples, practising intimacy exercises can bring them closer together. Clinical psychologist Dr Patapia Tzotzoli says that mindfulness during intimate moments can help to rebuild attraction between couples. “Hugging meditation involves taking a deep breath and visualising your partner 200 years from now. This mental exercise helps people to appreciate that life is precious and enables them to cherish what they have right now.”

Through the simple act of staying in the moment, couples shift their attention back to each other and their relationship. “It can help them to replace the negative feelings with more positive ones and make them more able to interact with each other with kindness and patience.”

Try something new

One of the reasons that attraction between couples can dwindle is the lack of variety. The mundanity of day-to-day life, coupled with the stress of working can leave little time for excitement. Tzotzoli recommends taking up a new hobby or trying something different. “By focusing on personal growth, you’re nurturing your own sense of fulfilment. It can enrich each partner’s individuality, which will contribute positively to the relationship.”

Over time, that renewed sense of self can lead to increased attraction and appreciation for each other. She also suggests trying new activities as a couple, such as dance classes, cooking classes or anything else that pushes you out of your routine.

Complete Article HERE!

What Are the Rules for Talking About Your Sex Life With Friends?

— Sharing dirty details can be fun (and healthy!) but it’s important to respect everyone’s boundaries.

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When it comes to kissing and telling…your friends, it can be hard to know what crosses the line. There’s the issue of respecting your partner, of course: Are you spilling dirty details that they’d rather you keep private? Plus you might not know what’s TMI versus TAI (totally acceptable information)—you don’t want your pals desperately wishing they could unhear one of your X-rated anecdotes.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you should keep all your business to yourself, though. Revealing parts of your sex life can be good for you and your friendships, Todd Baratz, LMHC, a New York City–based certified sex therapist, tells SELF. “By openly sharing, you can help normalize conversations about sex, become more comfortable discussing it personally, and potentially receive support if you’re struggling with something,” Baratz says. “And let’s not forget—it’s sex, so it can be fun to talk about too.”

Still, you don’t want to end up violating your partner’s trust (or your friend’s ears). To help you determine how much of your sex life is okay to share with your social circle, we spoke to a few experts for some guidelines.

First, find out what your partner’s cool with.

They have a right to confidentiality, so you shouldn’t talk about anything they wouldn’t want you to. And the only way to know what your partner is comfortable with is to ask, Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, a Los Angeles–based social psychologist who specializes in sexuality and relationships, tells SELF. Having a conversation upfront about what each of you considers private (when it comes to sex or anything else), is a good way to ensure you’re in the clear and minimize the potential for hurt feelings later on.

To help the chat go as smoothly as possible, you’ll want to be thoughtful about how you broach the subject too, Janelle Peifer, PhD, LCP, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Richmond, tells SELF. Dr. Peifer suggests giving your partner a heads-up and picking a time that works for both of you, so you’ll feel more relaxed. And instead of diving in with “I want to talk about our sex life” (potentially scary), she recommends making it clear that you want to understand what’s important to them when it comes to confidentiality and respect (less scary). “This subtle reframe can help you feel aligned and prevent your partner from feeling defensive,” she adds.

It’s important to have this talk with each new sexual partner, too, because everyone has different values and preferences when it comes to kissing and telling, Eliza Boquin, LMFT, a certified sex therapist based in Houston, tells SELF. You might have a lover who doesn’t mind you bragging about your hottest moments, for example, but draws the line at you sharing less satisfying experiences. Or you may agree that neither of you should spill anything to your friends without discussing it first.

And what if you had a casual hookup or a one-night stand? Odds are you’re not about to call them up and ask for explicit permission to rehash the night with your friends. For situations like that, you can stick to your own experiences—how you felt or what you did, for example—out of respect for the other person’s privacy, Dr. Peifer says. (It may also help to think about what you’d be okay with if the roles were reversed.)

Remember: Just because you’re “allowed” to talk about certain aspects of your sex life, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

While probably unlikely, you do run the risk of having people use certain details against you (in a friend breakup gone ugly, say) or viewing you or your partner in a different way (like being judgmental about your bedroom activities, perhaps), Boquin notes. It’s also possible that one of your pals could start fantasizing about your partner or sex life, Dr. Nasserzadeh adds. You can’t control people’s thoughts, obviously, but if you’d rather not have a friend picturing your significant other (or you) in a particularly graphic situation, you might want to reconsider disclosing private details—or at least keep the conversation PG-13. And maybe save the juicier stuff for close friends you fully trust, Dr. Nasserzadeh says.

Give your friends a chance to opt in.

As we mentioned above, what’s okay to share according to one partner might be totally off-limits for another, and the same goes for your friends. Some of your besties may want all the intimate details, while others might prefer that you keep things a little less explicit. Out of respect for your friends’ boundaries, Dr. Peifer says it’s probably a good idea to offer anyone listening a quick “Do you mind if I get detailed or do you prefer I keep it vague?” before jumping into the deep end of a sex story.

Complete Article HERE!

The science of sex

— What happens to our bodies when we’re aroused?

Sex helps with sleep and allows the brain to switch off

It’s good for our mental and physical health, lowering blood pressure and boosting the immune system

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Sex is the most talked-about, joked about, thought-about topic in our culture. Every grown adult is expected to know how to do it, but beyond the basic mechanics we’re not taught about it and fiction is coy. We are not short of information on sexual practices – thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey – but there is a general absence of accurate detail of what happens to our bodies during, and as a result of, the act.

Yet sex is good for our mental and physical health. It lowers the heart rate and blood pressure. It may boost the immune system to protect us against infections and it certainly lowers stress. The NHS even recommends it, in a section tucked away on its website, where few are likely to find it, that advises: “Weekly sex might help fend off illness.”

The consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Leila Frodsham thinks we should be better educated about it. She’s even supporting a project to open a Vagina Museum in Camden, London – after all, there is a Penis Museum in Iceland. More information could make us healthier, happier and save the NHS lot of money, she believes.

“People who have difficulties with sex are much more likely to present with other problems,” says Frodsham. She would like to see more investment in sexual health as preventive medicine.
When hooking up is working out

Sex can be good exercise, although that rather depends on how energetically you go at it. A study in the open-access journal Plos One in 2013 found that healthy young heterosexual couples (wearing the equivalent of a Fitbit) burned about 85 calories during a moderately vigorous session, or 3.6 calories a minute. It’s unlikely to be enough. The NHS says: “Unless you’re having 150 minutes of orgasms a week, try cycling, brisk walking or dancing.”

Tales of men having heart attacks and expiring on the job are much exaggerated. Sex raises the heart rate, which is generally a good thing. A study in the British Medical Journal of 918 men in Wales in 1997 found that sex helped protect men’s health. Men who (admittedly from their own report) had more frequent orgasms had half the risk of dying over the 10 years of the study compared with those who had the least orgasms. As a general rule, if you are able to walk up two flights of stairs without chest pain, you are probably safe to have sex, experts say.

The key to many of the health benefits of sex is the love hormone – oxytocin. Also sometimes called the cuddle hormone, it can even be released when petting your dog. The same hormone causes contractions in childbirth and is in the pessaries given to induce labour. It’s even in sperm. It’s not a myth that sex can help an overdue baby get going. When she was working as an obstetrician, Frodsham says, male partners used to “leave grinning from ear to ear because I’d suggest having sex on all fours to make labour come on”. There’s plenty of oxytocin around when people have sex or even just get friendly. “Any touch releases oxytocin,” says Frodsham. Keeping up physical activity affects libido, she says. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

She doesn’t often see people with intrinsically low libido, she says. “But we do see people who kind of get into a sexual rut and it sort of disappears. I often encourage people to schedule sex. A lot of couples feel that it is not natural and it is forcing things, but sometimes you need to get them to become habitual so they can become spontaneous.”

Sex helps with sleep, and allows the brain to switch off. “If you are having sex, you should be getting into a zone where your brain is not in overdrive,” she says. It’s like mindfulness. “I don’t think there are many people who actually give themselves time to relax any more,” she says.

Prof Kaye Wellings, at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, blames our busy lives for a decline in sexual activity in Britain. Her large recent study of 34,000 men and women, in the British Medical Journal, suggests we are having less sex than we were a decade or more ago. Half of the women and two-thirds of the men told researchers they would prefer to have sex more often. Wellings says the digital age is partly to blame. “We are bombarded with stimuli. I can see that the boundary between the public world and private life is getting weaker. You get home and continue working or continue shopping – everything except for good old-fashioned talking. You don’t feel close when you are on the phone.”

The sexual response, step by step

The best explanation of what actually happens during sex is still credited to two scientists who started work in 1957 – William Masters and Virginia Johnson – although later researchers have criticised parts of their work.

Masters and Johnson worked at Washington University in St Louis, Missouri. Masters convinced Johnson to have sex with him in the interests of research while he was married to someone else. He eventually divorced and they married in 1971, splitting up 20 years later. Together they founded the Masters and Johnson Institute where they carried out their research and trained therapists.

In a book called Human Sexual Response, published in 1966, they described a four-stage cycle in heterosexual sex. First is the excitement or arousal phase in response to kissing, petting or watching erotic movies. A small study by Roy Levin in 2006 found that almost 82% of women said that they were aroused by their nipples being fondled – and so did 52% of men.

Half to three-quarters of women get a sex flush, which can show as pink patches developing on the breasts and spreading around the body. About a quarter of men get it too, starting on the abdomen and spreading to the neck, face and back. Men quickly get an erection but may lose it and regain it during this phase.

Women’s sex organs swell. The clitoris, labia minora and the vagina all enlarge. The muscles around the opening of the vagina grow tighter, the uterus expands and lubricating fluid is produced. The breasts also swell and the nipples get hard.

Masters and Johnson say there is then a plateau phase, which in women is mostly more of the same. In men, muscles that control urine contract to prevent any mixing with semen and those at the base of the penis begin contracting. They may start to secrete some pre-seminal fluid.

The third stage is orgasm, in which the pelvic muscles contract and there is ejaculation. Women also have uterine and vaginal contractions. The sensation is the same whether brought about by clitoral stimulation or penetration.

Frodsham says about a third of women easily have orgasms from penetrative sex, a third sometimes do and a third never do. “I have never seen anything that could be a G-spot,” she says. But the clitoris is much larger than some people assume. “The clitoris actually surrounds the vagina. The protuberance is only 5% of the clitoris.”

Women can quickly orgasm again if stimulated, but men cannot. Last is the resolution phase, when everything returns to normal. Muscles relax and blood pressure drops. But, says Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health at the University of Southampton, “we still don’t understand everything about what happens even though research has been going on since Masters and Johnson’s early lab studies”.

Take the female orgasm, for instance. “Women report so many different sensations. Some women describe orgasm in a much more focal way. Some describe it in a diffuse way with, for instance, a tingling down their legs. Some women describe losing consciousness.”

And then there is the male erection. A healthy man may have three to five erections in a night, each lasting around half an hour. The one many wake up with is the last of the series. The cause is unknown, but there are suggestions of a link with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, when people are most likely to dream. Even in the daylight hours, erections are not necessarily under conscious control. Usually they are associated with sexual arousal, but not always.

There is an assumption that sexual desire and libido are strongest in the young and fade out as we age. But there is plenty of evidence of people wanting sex and having sex at older ages. For women, the menopause can be a real obstacle. The loss of oestrogen leads to vaginal and vulval dryness. Frodsham points out that hormonal treatments, from oestrogen tablets in pessaries delivered locally into the vagina to creams and gels, are safe and effective. But so is having regular sex, she says. It’s like exercising a muscle.

“There is very good evidence, particularly in menopausal women, that the more they have sex, the better their physiology is,” she says.

But she cautions against the current enthusiasm for promoting the health benefits of sex for all ages. “There can be a kind of pressure on older adults who don’t want to. A lot of older adults do, but not everybody. There’s no norm about sexual desire.”

However biologically similar we may have been at birth, the one thing that is certain is that sexual desire and preference – as well as means of achieving satisfaction – differ from one individual to the next. Frodsham, for one, thinks enhanced understanding could boost our mental and physical health. And, she believes, it needs to start early.

“Many schools present sex as something that is going to cause STIs and pregnancy,” she says. They’re missing something important, she adds: “They don’t talk about the very natural reason to want to have sex, which is pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

Psilocybin, LSD And Other Psychedelics Improve Sexual Satisfaction For Months After Use, New Study Finds

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Psychedelic substances, including psilocybin mushrooms, LSD and others, may improve sexual function—even months after a psychedelic experience, according to a new study.

The findings, published on Wednesday in Nature Scientific Reports, are based largely on a survey of 261 participants both before and after taking psychedelics. Researchers from Imperial College London’s Centre for Psychedelic Research then combined those responses with results of a separate clinical trial that compared psilocybin and a commonly prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRIs) for treating depression.

Authors say it’s the first scientific study to formally explore the effects of psychedelics on sexual functioning. While anecdotal reports and and qualitative evidence suggest the substances may be beneficial, the study says, “this has never been formally tested.”

“It’s important to stress our work does not focus on what happens to sexual functioning while people are on psychedelics, and we are not talking about perceived ‘sexual performance,’” said Tommaso Barba, a PhD student at the Centre for Psychedelic Research and the lead author of the study, “but it does indicate there may be a lasting positive impact on sexual functioning after their psychedelic experience, which could potentially have impacts on psychological wellbeing.”

“Both studies and populations reported enhanced sexual functioning and satisfaction following psychedelic use.”

Authors noted that sexual dysfunction is a common symptom of mental health disorders as well as a common side effect of certain medications, such as SSRIs.

“On the surface, this type of research may seem ‘quirky,’” Barba said in a statement, “but the psychological aspects of sexual function—including how we think about our own bodies, our attraction to our partners, and our ability to connect to people intimately—are all important to psychological wellbeing in sexually active adults.”

Co-author Bruna Giribaldi said that while most studies ask whether depression treatments cause sexual dysfunction, this study attempted to go further.

“We wanted to make sure we went deeper than that and explored more aspects of sexuality that could be impacted by these treatments,” Giribaldi added. “We were interested in finding out whether psychedelics could influence people’s experiences of sexuality in a positive way, as it appeared from existing anecdotal evidence.”

The team’s analysis found that respondents typically experienced improvement in sexual function for as long as six months after a psychedelic experience, observing upticks in reported enjoyment of sex, sexual arousal, satisfaction with sex, attraction to their partners, their own physical appearance, communication and their sense of connection.

“Naturalistic use of psychedelics was associated with improvements in several facets of sexual functioning and satisfaction, including improved pleasure and communication during sex, satisfaction with one’s partner and physical appearance.”

The most striking improvements were around seeing sex as “a spiritual or sacred experience,” satisfaction with one’s own appearance and one’s partner as well as the experience of pleasure itself.

“Sexuality is a fundamental human drive. For example, we know that sexual dysfunction is linked to lower well-being in healthy adults, can impact relationship satisfaction, and is even linked to subjective happiness and ‘meaning in life,’” Barba said.

The only marker of sexual function that did not go up significantly was “importance of sex,” which could be read to mean that psychedelics did not cause hypersexuality or an excessive focus on sex.

In the clinical trial portion of the study, which compared psilocybin therapy to the SSRI escitalopram, authors found that while both treatments showed “similar reductions” in depressive symptoms, “patients treated with psilocybin reported positive changes in sexual functioning after treatment, while patients treated with escitalopram did not.”

Barba said that’s especially significant because “sexual dysfunction, often induced by antidepressants, frequently results in people stopping these medications and subsequently relapsing.”

David Erritzoe, clinical director of the Centre for Psychedelic Research at Imperial College London, said the findings “shine more light on the far-reaching effects of psychedelics on an array of psychological functioning” but said more study is still needed, especially in light of the currently illicit nature of psychedelics.

“While the findings are indeed interesting, we are still far from a clear clinical application,” Erritzoe said in a release, “because psychedelics are yet to be integrated into the medical system. In future, we may be able to see a clinical application, but more research is needed.”

As the study itself says, “These findings highlight the need for further research utilizing more comprehensive and validated measures to fully understand the results of psychedelics on sexual functioning. However, the preliminary results do suggest that psychedelics may be a useful tool for disorders that impact sexual functioning.”

“Use of psychedelic drugs might foster an improvement in several facets of sexual functioning and satisfaction, including experienced pleasure, sexual satisfaction, communication of sexual desires and body image.”

The new study comes just a few months after a study published by the American Medical Association reported the apparent “efficacy and safety” of psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy for treatment of bipolar II disorder, a mental health condition often associated with debilitating and difficult-to-treat depressive episodes.

Both studies are part of a growing body of research demonstrating the potential of psilocybin and other entheogens to treat a range of mental health conditions, including PTSD, treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, substance use disorders and others.

A recently published survey of more than 1,200 patients in Canada, for example, suggested use of psilocybin can help ease psychological distress in people who had adverse experiences as children. Researchers said the psychedelic appeared to offer “particularly strong benefits to those with more severe childhood adversity.”

And in September, researchers at Johns Hopkins University, Ohio State University and Unlimited Sciences published findings showing an association between psilocybin use and “persisting reductions” in depression, anxiety and alcohol misuse—as well as increases in emotional regulation, spiritual wellbeing and extraversion.

A separate study from the American Medical Association (AMA) came out in August showing that people with major depression experienced “clinically significant sustained reduction” in their symptoms after just one dose of psilocybin.

As for other entheogens, a separate peer-reviewed study published in the journal Nature recently found that treatment with MDMA reduced symptoms in patients with moderate to severe PTSD—results that position the substance for potential approval by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

Another study published in August found that administering a small dose of MDMA along with psilocybin or LSD appears to reduce feelings of discomfort like guilt and fear that are sometimes side effects of consuming so-called magic mushrooms or LSD alone.

A first-of-its-kind analysis released in June, meanwhile, offered novel insights into the mechanisms through which psychedelic-assisted therapy appears to help people struggling with alcoholism.

At the federal level, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) recently started soliciting proposals for a series of research initiatives meant to explore how psychedelics could be used to treat drug addiction, with plans to provide $1.5 million in funding to support relevant studies.

As for other research into controlled substances and sex, a report last year in the Journal of Cannabis Research found that marijuana could also enhance sexual enjoyment, especially for women—findings authors said could help close the “orgasm inequality gap” between men and women.

A 2022 study out of Spain, meanwhile, found that young adults who smoke marijuana and drink alcohol had better orgasms and overall sexual function than their peers who abstain or use less.

An earlier 2020 study in the journal Sexual Medicine also found that women who used cannabis more often had better sex.

Numerous online surveys have reported similar positive associations between marijuana and sex. One study even found a connection between the passage of marijuana laws and increased sexual activity.

Yet another, however, cautioned that more marijuana doesn’t necessarily mean better sex. A literature review published in 2019 found that cannabis’s impact on libido may depend on dosage, with lower amounts of THC correlating with the highest levels of arousal and satisfaction. Most studies showed that marijuana has a positive effect on women’s sexual function, the study found, but too much THC can actually backfire.

Complete Article HERE!

You’re ‘Solo Poly’? So … You’re Single?

— Not quite, according to practitioners, who want people to understand that the lifestyle is more than a dressed-up “friends with benefits.”

It’s like dating, but slightly different.

By

After James Nicholson went through a breakup in October, he realized that he was at a point in his life when he wanted to focus more on himself than on someone else, but without losing the perks of romantic intimacy.

He was juggling work and grief from losing a family member, all while parenting a 14-year-old with his ex-wife. So Mr. Nicholson, a 46-year-old Bronx resident, decided to embark on a journey of solo polyamory. To Mr. Nicholson, that meant dating several people at once with no intention to ride the relationship escalator to the top.

“I’m open to connecting with others, but it may not be just one other person,” he said in a phone interview. “It is really based on how schedules line up.”

It’s hard to miss the growing interest these days in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, the term du jour for having multiple and consensual romantic relationships. The new year kicked off with a slew of articles on the subject from a number of publications that shed light on the practice and lifestyle.

But among all the throuples, polycules and nesting partners, there exists another category of polyamory that still throws many for a loop: solo polyamory, or having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence. For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances or cohabitation.

The concept becomes a little less confusing when you break the term up. Solo? You’re your No. 1 focus. Poly? You’re interested in seeing several people at once. The specific details will vary from person to person.

In interviews with people who identify as solo poly, many described facing misconceptions about their lifestyle. Two of the chief distinctions that separates them from other singles who are dating is that solo poly relationships rely heavily on communication and transparency, and they aren’t defined by the end goal of finding a soul mate. And unlike other polyamorous relationships, their partners don’t interact.

For most people who are dating, “you’re single, maybe dating someone, and you don’t tell them about other people you’re dating,” Mr. Nicholson said. “There might be a lot more discretion, shall we say, with how you communicate with whoever you’re dating.”

One thing to be aware of when it comes to being solo poly, according to Mr. Nicholson, is that if you are prioritizing yourself, then you should expect the same treatment: “No one is going to specifically prioritize you.”

Tyomi Morgan, 36, a certified sexologist in Atlanta, was living the solo poly lifestyle long before she discovered the term, in 2016.

“Fourteen years ago, I did not have this language,” she said in a phone interview. “It was not in my awareness at all. It does feel fairly new.”

“I just know that having an open lifestyle was a thing,” she continued, “and I decided instead of being monogamous that I would be non-monogamous, and I would be transparent about that with people in my life.”

As these types of lifestyles gain steam — a 2023 YouGov poll found that one-third of Americans described their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy — some people have responded with skepticism to the idea of solo polyamory, writing it off as just a new label for being single and casually dating or sleeping around.

“I hate my generation of men,” one woman posted on X. “What do you mean you’re solo poly and straight? … That’s literally just a man.”

Solo poly? “Bruh, I think you mean single,” another wrote. “You just *have* to have a special little identity for every corner of your romantic life.”

For Ms. Morgan, being solo poly means there’s no expectation for her to live with any of her partners and she’s at the center of all her relationships, which include a long-distance relationship, a few more meaningful partnerships and some casual connections. She said she didn’t love any one of her partners more or less than another.

“I experience so much freedom and happiness in being solo and just prioritizing myself first,” she said. “As somebody who’s a recovering codependent and people pleaser, it feels good to center myself in relationships and not feel like I have this hard obligation to necessarily be with a particular group of people.”

The hardest part of being solo poly, in Ms. Morgan’s experience, has been maintaining healthy emotional regulation and staying aware of her own needs in the midst of it all.

So is “solo poly” a helpful label, a way to be more transparent with romantic and sexual partners? Or is it just another unnecessary term to describe behaviors that have long existed? For Mr. Nicholson, the label helps him clearly define exactly the type of single he is for the time being.

The label sets a tone that he hopes can encourage “healthy, open, transparent connection and communication,” he said, “for whoever I’m dealing with on an ongoing basis.”

Complete Article HERE!

Curious about trying tantric sex?

— Here’s everything you need to know

The key to sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.

By Nina Miyashita

In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by sex—how to have it, how often you should have it, what it should feel like—it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Regardless of if you’re in a long term relationship or you’re single and dating around, far too often, we can easily become disconnected from sex, in more ways than one. So if you find yourself disassociating from the practice, physically or mentally, and starting to struggle in your sex life, rest assured you’re far from being the only one.

Whether you’re dealing with performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction, or you’re just feeling detached or distant from your sexual partner and you want to shake things up, there’s an old sexual practice that can help you get back on track, teach you how to be more present in the moment during sex, and help enhance your lovemaking to a whole new realm. Like the sound of what you’re hearing so far? You might want to consider tantric sex.

A ritual that has been the centre of growing interest in recent years as a way to increase and strengthen sexual connection, tantric sex comes from the word Tantra, an ancient spiritual practice that focuses on a deep sense of bodily, mental and spiritual intimacy—essentially, sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.

What is tantric sex?

“Tantra is an artform that has continuously evolved over the centuries, and today, there are many different variations on the teachings of Tantra,” says Scarlett Wolf, a certified tantric facilitator, educator and massage therapist based in Sydney.

“There are 64 Arts of Tantra, such as the Art of music, poetry, martial arts, language, astronomy and philosophy, to name a few. One purpose of practising the Tantric Arts is to bring vibrancy and creativity into your life, as opposed to living a limiting existence. Tantric, or Sacred Sex, is one of these Arts, and can be practised to a level of mastery.”

Wolf points out that performative, goal-oriented sex can often feel unfulfilling, an issue that we can often run into either in a long term relationship or thanks to all the unhelpful cultural messaging we get around the purpose of sex.

If there’s only one goal for sex, to have an orgasm or to reproduce for example, it can start to feel a bit like a chore—especially for couples who’ve been together for a long time—and you might start to get the sense that it’s just something to get over with. On the other hand, Tantric sex is a slow and intentional way of connecting sexually.

What are the principles of tantric sex?

Mindfulness, intimacy and presence define tantric sex above all else, and it largely centres on a process of energy cultivation and exchange. “Harnessing the power of your sexual energy can open the doors to deep spiritual experiences, personal self-actualisation, and healing,” Wolf says. “The path of Tantra goes beyond the act of sex, as the pathway to an incredible sex life is through, first and foremost, knowing yourself.”

Seeing as our intimate experiences and relationships often reflect how we are in other ways, Wolf says that learning how to hold depth, passion and presence through different aspects of tantric sex can also positively impact so many other areas of our lives.

What are the benefits of tantric sex?

According to Wolf, tantric sex is for “anyone who has a desire to get to know themselves on a deeper level, feel more confident and reach their full potential with sex and intimacy”—and don’t we all? The benefit and goal of tantric is, in turn, multifaceted.

For men specifically, Wolf says there are some specific areas it can really assist in. “It’s extremely helpful for premature ejaculation, performance anxiety and in some cases, erectile dysfunction, if it’s not a medical condition but rather a psychological pattern,” she says. “A man who struggles with premature ejaculation can also reprogram his body to last for extended periods of time and enjoy being in the moment, rather than in fear of how he performs.”

As for couples, practising together can lead to deeper connection and better communication skills, helping you both to better understand your individual emotional and sexual needs—something seemingly simple yet very common that can often be a big barrier to meaningful sex between couples. Always remember that if you’re going to try introduce tantric sex to a partner to get their full and verbal consent to the practice.

Along with more satisfying orgasms and a reduction of stress and anxiety, there’s a whole plethora of benefits with tantric that might change your sex life forever.

How do you incorporate tantric sex into your relationship?

Before you can truly reap the benefits of tantric in your relationship, you’ll have to learn a few things on your own. “Having a solo practice is the starting point of Tantra,” Wolf explains. “Even when you’re in a sexually active relationship, having your own individual practice is essential for the deepening of your connection to your own body.”

“Knowing how to cultivate a connection to self first is what increases our capacity to connect more deeply with others, and feel more present in intimacy when we have partnered experiences. Once you’ve activated your sense of sexual freedom, self-expression and inner confidence, you can then experience this in your partnership.”

What are the techniques and practices of tantric sex?

Regulate your nervous system and do breathing exercises

When you’re getting started on your own, learning how to regulate your nervous system is super important. Think things like meditation, gentle exercise and breathwork. “When we are relaxed, and our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, we feel safe to communicate,” Wolf says. “We are then able to experience what true connection really is, and enjoy mind-blowing pleasure with our partner.”

In Wolf’s words, the secret to pleasure is relaxation. That means taking the time to get off our screens and taking some much needed time out. She recommends movement practices like meditation, dancing, or even taking a walk to clear your head before sex can be really helpful. Learning to slow down your breath is great, too. Breathing in for 5 counts and out for 10 is an easy breathing exercise you can implement to come into a more relaxed state.

Self pleasure

Self pleasure is also going to be important, since this is one of the best ways you can learn about your own sexuality. “Self pleasuring quickly and unconsciously will not make you a better lover, but taking your time and treating your body like you would treat your lover will,” says Wolf.

“A simple way is to practise circulating sexual energy through your body when you self pleasure. Use your breath and visualise as you are breathing that you are drawing your sexual energy up out of your genitals with your in breath and as you breathe out, visualise it spreading throughout your body. This is deeply relaxing and energising for your system.”

Remember, before you start any kind of tantric practice with a partner, getting their full, enthusiastic consent before any sexual or intimate activity is paramount, as is communicating about how you’re both feeling throughout.

Eye gazing

One of the most common ways to start a tantric practice with your partner, once you’re ready to have them join you, is eye gazing or eye contact. Here, Wolf breaks it down step by step.

“Have your partner sit cross legged, or in another comfortable position, facing you, and make sure your posture is supported. Hold hands and keep your arms, shoulders and hands relaxed. Look into the left eye of your partner and hold a gentle yet deep gaze.” You may blink, laugh, cry, smile whilst eye gazing, but try to keep a silence. In lieu of verbal communication, establish non-verbal consent cues before you begin. “Eye gaze for at least 5 minutes or as long as you desire. You may wish to listen to some beautiful music, preferably without lyrics, and then share your experience with your partner afterwards.”

Connecting heart centres through visualisation

“Place your left hand on your partner’s heart and your right hand on their genitals. On your in breath, visualise their sexual energy drawing up through your right hand, into your heart. Use this to energise your body. When you exhale, imagine sending the love in your heart through your left hand into your partner’s heart. Continue this breath and movement energy cycle for five minutes. This is a beautiful way to meditate together that creates a deeper emotional connection, and is also highly arousing.”

Sensual massage and touch

Engaging in a full body sensual massage is another great way to practise partnered tantric, and aims to move sexual energy around the body. Gently massage your partner with intention from the chest and shoulders all the way down their body, focusing on erotic zones, all while you pay attention to your breath.

Giving up too soon

One of the most important things to know before you get started is that Tantra is not about instant gratification. Patience is required when you’re learning new way of deepening your sexual experiences. “For many people, there is a reprogramming that happens around what they’ve known sex to be about,” Wolf confirms.

“Tantra is a journey. It’s not about ‘getting it right’ straight away. While it’s extremely enlightening to educate yourself by reading, watching videos and having conversations about Tantra, the real shift happens when you do the practices.” And Wolf is confident that if you’re consistent with your practice, you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll see and feel results.

Believing that tantra isn’t for you because no one you know does it

“Often people feel shy and don’t have the confidence to share what they’ve learnt, as they feel it’s too weird, out there and might not be accepted—but don’t assume a sexual partner won’t be interested,” Wolf encourages. “As long as someone has a willingness and openness to learn and connect with you this way, that’s all that matters. It’s a beautiful and life changing journey to introduce someone to, and you’ll often be met with gratitude.”

Tantra practice isn’t right for you because you’re not a spiritual person

Worried about the spiritual aspect of the practice? Wolf says you really don’t have to be. “Aside from Tantra having the ability to take you into ecstatic states, it’s also a very grounding somatic—somatic means of the body—practice,” she explains.

“If what you’re looking for is more meaningful connections, and a more fulfilling and enjoyable sex life at the very least, practising Tantra is for you. What I’ve found after 15 years on my Tantric Journey is that there’s never a limit to the depth you can go to with Tantra. It’s a gift that continues to give.”

Complete Article HERE!

7 Habits of Highly Sex-cessful People

— Why do some couples keep the home fires burning while for others the embers grow dim? Here’s what some romantic partners are doing right

By Nicole Pajer

You know who they are.

That couple down the block who’ve been together for 25 years and still canoodle like newlyweds. They seem to have the intimacy and magic you and your partner once shared. How do they do it?

There are plenty of obvious reasons some couples lose their intimacy mojo over time: too much stress, too much conflict, too many health issues. But there are also plenty of healthy people in otherwise healthy relationships who aren’t getting their fair share of lovin’. What’s separating the sexually successful from the carnally challenged? We took a peek under the sheets and discovered some unexpected habits that have nothing to do with your relationship and can help any couple regain their romantic mojo.

1. Sex-cessful couples use the bedroom — for sleeping

Women who sleep an extra hour at night experience more sexual desire the next day and a 14 percent increased likelihood of having sex, according to one study. Maybe it’s because their partners are better rested as well: Not getting enough sleep has been linked to erectile dysfunction and a lack of testosterone in men. “A lot of your hormones and sex hormones are actually produced during good sleep,” says Graham King, M.D., a family medicine physician with Mayo Clinic Health System. Aim for at least seven to nine hours per night; anything under six on a regular basis could be setting you up for trouble.

One key to better sleep and better sex: Don’t bring your smartphone to bed. A study conducted by tech solutions company Asurion looked at the bedroom habits of 2,000 U.S. adults and found that 35 percent of respondents said their sex life had been impacted by their or their spouse’s bedtime phone use. “The phone acts as a barrier to intimacy by distracting attention away from your partner, creating distance between you,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and host of the A to Z of Sex podcast. “Great sex needs both people to be present and focused on each other — and little else, actually!”

2. Sex-cessful couples never crash diet

Almost every trendy approach to losing weight, from keto to intermittent fasting, involves cutting out certain food categories and thereby restricting calories. Maybe they’re fat or carb or protein calories, but the fact is that not getting proper nutrients can have an impact on your sex drive.

“We need protein, we need fats to be able to build those sex hormones and keep our different muscular systems, including our genitals, working right,” says King. Sex, he says, requires a lot of blood flow, an array of hormones, and precursors to different kinds of amino acids we need for vasodilation “and, of course, ultimately, orgasms. So if we’re malnourished, we don’t have the fuel to get there.” If you’re trying to lose weight, do it intelligently. Eat a well-balanced diet high in produce, lean meat and fish, and whole grains, with a minimum of sugar and ultra-processed foods. (AARP’s best-selling guide to 50-plus nutrition, The Whole Body Reset, is now available in paperback.)

3. Sex-cessful couples soak up the sun

You’ve no doubt heard about the importance of vitamin D, and perhaps you’ve asked your doctor to check your blood levels. If not, and if you live in the northern half of the nation, a lack of vitamin D might be interfering with your love life. Low D has been linked to decreased erectile and orgasmic function, as well as diminished sexual desire. But supplements in winter can help: Additional research has found that supplementing with vitamin D can improve sexual function and mood in women with low vitamin D levels. To get more D from your diet, prioritize vitamin D–fortified foods like milk or yogurt. If you prefer to get your vitamin D from being outdoors, remember that you also need to protect yourself: The median age of people receiving a melanoma diagnosis is 66.

4. Sex-cessful couples work their muscles

Working out increases sexual arousal in women and helps combat erectile dysfunction in men. But more important, exercise — especially vigorous exercise that stimulates our muscles — is critical to our libidos.

When we exercise, the stress on our muscles stimulates the hypothalamus to produce sex hormones, says King: “It stimulates an effect that goes through our pituitary to our adrenal glands to start building those precursors to testosterone, estrogen and progesterone.” Without that stimulation, our brains never get the signal that it’s time for lovin’.

The American Heart Association recommends at least 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week, 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity exercise or a combination of both, adding in resistance or weight training several days a week. But don’t overdo it; one study found that men who engage in intense endurance training for long periods of time had reduced libidos.

5. Sex-cessful couples avoid late-night sweets

Many of us enjoy a good after-dinner treat. But dessert is one thing — a midnight snack is something else.

“Eating sugar before bed causes insulin release and can temporarily suppress testosterone levels,” says Raevti Bole, M.D., a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Anyone who has felt a crash after a sugar high will understand this effect. “This can make you feel sluggish and sleepy, which can tamper with your arousal,” Bole adds. If you’re hungry before bed, opt for something less sugary, like a piece of fruit, crackers and cheese, or dark chocolate. Avoid processed treats, desserts and sugar-sweetened beverages in the hours leading up to bed.

6. Sex-cessful couples drink a lot

Not booze — water. Water makes up 75 percent of the total body weight of newborns, but as we age, that percentage drops; in older adults it can be 50 percent or lower. And that can impact our health and our sex lives.

Proper hydration is critical to the cardiovascular system, which is responsible for keeping nutrients and oxygen flowing throughout the body. Even mild dehydration can impact a man’s ability to achieve an erection, and for women, it can cause issues with vaginal lubrication and genital arousal, says Sheryl Kingsberg, division chief, Ob/Gyn Behavioral Medicine at the University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and codirector of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at the UH Cleveland Medical Center.

Keep a water bottle nearby to sip on throughout the day; reduce your alcohol intake, as that can further dehydrate you; and incorporate water-rich fruits and vegetables into your meals and snacks.

7. Sex-cessful couples make their bed daily

Clutter can sneak up on you, causing stress that you might not even be aware of. One study found that cortisol levels in women with cluttered homes rose during the day and stayed high when the clutter remained; the effect was more powerful on women than on their partners.

“It is likely that this is related to the expectations that women will still be responsible for keeping the home presentable and the social approval inherent in having a lovely home,” says Bole. Chaos around us, she adds, “impacts our ability to concentrate and focus.” Another study that looked at the relationship between clutter and procrastination found that older adults with clutter problems tended to report a significant decrease in life satisfaction. Making your bed first thing in the morning gives you a sense of control that can help reduce the feeling of being a victim of chaos. Better yet, make it together.

Complete Article HERE!

I Used Sex Therapy Apps for Six Weeks

— And Can Confirm They’re a Relationship Game-Changer

Not to mention they helped me seriously start to unpack my sexual traumas and insecurities.

By

In no particular order, here’s a list of things I’d rather do than talk about sex: accidentally like a photo of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend from two years ago; play six straight hours of baby shower games; drink bath water (yes, even Jacob Elordi’s).

Though I love having sex, actually talking about it with my partner, friends, and even my therapist makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide. According to a 2023 survey from Durex, I’m not the only one: A third of the 2,000 adults surveyed reported that they feel uncomfortable talking about sex with their partners, and a fifth won’t bring up sex at all over the course of their relationships.

If these folks (myself included) get itchy having these conversations with the person who regularly sees them naked, chances are they’re probably not running out to have them with a professional, either—which is where sex therapy apps can help.

My first introduction to sex therapy apps came late one night while I was laying in bed after a not-so-great, highly-anxiety-provoking sexual experience with my long-term partner. It was a sort of a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation that made me realize that if I continued to ignore my sexual trauma—and the hangups that came along with it—it was never going to get better. What started with a few Google searches in the realm of “what is wrong with me” took me down a rabbit hole of resources I didn’t know existed. Fifteen minutes later, I downloaded my first sex therapy app, and was almost in tears as I realized that 1) I wasn’t alone in my experience, and 2) there might actually be a solution.

While most experts will tell you that working with an actual human therapist is the best way to address intimacy issues because they’re able to take a more personal approach, apps are a great plan B, especially if you can’t afford individual therapy. There are a number of different reasons why people find themselves in need of sex therapy—Kate Levine, LMHC, a Brooklyn-based sex therapist, names desire discrepancies, shame or embarrassment around sexual preferences, and trauma as some of the most common—and considering 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men will experience some sort of sexual dysfunction (which includes lack of desire) throughout their lifetime, according to The University of Texas Southwestern, any resource that makes navigating these things more accessible is decidedly a good thing.

“For a lot of folks, talking about sex with another human being can be very overwhelming—especially initially—and it might feel easier to engage with an app, where there’s a level of separation through the screen to allow them to get more comfortable,” says Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP, a sex therapist who specializes in queer, poly, and POC couples. “I think these apps provide a more accessible way to check into or use certain resources at someone’s own pace and time and environment.”

To begin navigating my own issues around sex, I spent six weeks testing out some of the App Store’s most popular offerings. Here’s how it went and what I learned in the process.

Best Overall: Blueheart

Cost: $9.99/month

Pros: Solo and partnered work available, audio and written courses, stories from real couples, guided self-touch sessions, can link up with a partner’s account so you can do the work together.

Cons: Content largely focuses on cisgender sex and sexuality, no free option.

blueheart sex therapy app, blueheart sex therapy articles
BlueheartBlueheart’s helpful articles on sexual desire and arousal. 
blueheart sex therapy app
Blueheart

Blueheart was my first foray into sex apps—I downloaded it the night I realized I couldn’t “fix” my sexual issues on my own and immediately dove in.

The program starts with an assessment, which was built by psychologists and asks questions around five relationship pillars: Connection (i.e. how comfortable you are being yourself around your partner), Teamwork (how well you and your partner work through arguments), Sex and play (whether or not you feel attracted to and sexually fulfilled by your partner), Communication, and Values. From there, the app puts together a personalized program based on your needs.

The results of my assessment reaffirmed that I had significant anxiety around sex, which was impacting my libido levels, and informed me that I could benefit from learning new ways to communicate these things to my partner. The first part of my lesson plan was all about “re-sparking libido,” which consisted of 36 therapist-led audio sessions across five levels. The sessions ranged from five to 20 minutes, and each level included three guided self-touch sessions meant to help me learn how to get out of my head and focus on the pleasurable physical sensations that come with sex—which are more “guided meditation with some light nipple play” than audio erotica.

Level one began with exploring what desire is and how it works; level two was about managing stress and distractions during sex; level three focused on body image and performance anxiety; level four amped up those learnings with lessons on how to better connect to your body; and level five highlighted how to find pleasure. The final lesson, which is meant to be the last one you do on your own, teaches you how to talk about Blueheart with your partner so that you can work together moving forward.

In addition to the personalized lesson plan, Blueheart allows you to opt into other couple-friendly courses like “How To Talk About Money” and “Becoming a Better Team.” There are also a slew of expert-informed articles around body image, arousal, basic sex-ed, and more, plus stories from real couples who have found success with the program.

After spending years feeling like a freak because of my anxiety around sex, what I loved most about this app was how often it reassured me that it was totally normal—exactly what I needed to hear (especially from the soothing British woman’s voice Blueheart uses across its content). Every new session seemed to be building on the work I’d already done, which made me feel like I was making real progress. Additionally, the meditations helped me get in touch with my body, and I found myself coming back to the breathing exercises and sensory scans I learned during intimate experiences. After only two weeks of using Blueheart, I started to feel less stressed about sex, and now that I’ve finished my first full lesson, I’m excited to bring my partner into the fold to continue this work together.

Best for individuals looking to improve sexual function and desire: Rosy

Cost: $9.99/month-$74.99/month

Pros: Backed by licensed therapists and OBGYNs, offers coaching for queer and non-monogamous relationships, daily programs as short as five minutes, community-based conversation boards, live events, two virtual 30-minute coaching sessions a month with premium plan.

Cons: No free option, meant more for individual work than for couples.

rosy sexual therapy app
RosyRosy has a slew of content types to explore, from Religion to Mental Health.
rosy sex therapy app
RosyJust a few of Rosy’s audio erotica options.

Like Blueheart, Rosy’s sexual wellness program also begins with a quiz, but the questions are more related to your sex life over the course of the past month (think:”how often did you feel sexual desire?” and “how often did you reach climax when you had sexual stimulation?”). It also asked questions about birth control, pregnancy, and menopause (because hormones are so closely linked to sexual desire and performance), mental and gynecological health, and sexual trauma. All of this information creates your personalized wellness plan, which typically includes a daily lesson followed by a reflection in your in-app journal.

My journey started with the basics: A video in which two licensed psychotherapists explain in depth what sexual trauma actually is, which helped me better understand how these types of experiences can take different shapes. In addition to the daily tasks, the app also offers a series of “Quickies” videos where experts dive into common sexual concerns, like the orgasm gap and libido changes during menopause. Even better? It’s got an entire library of written and audio erotica (we’re talking hundreds of options), and a community discussion board where you can talk about what you’re going through with others who may be sharing the same experience.

I love how expert-led Rosy feels—certainly the closest to what I imagine IRL sex therapy feels like. The lessons gave me the opportunity to really understand how my sexual trauma was impacting me, as well as the tools I need to start overcoming it.

Best for couples looking to connect: Coral

Cost: $59.99/year

Pros: Designed for couples, one subscription includes two memberships (one for each partner), includes personalized therapy “journeys,” audio pleasure guides, games for couples, and sex tips. Free option offers limited access to some resources.

Cons: Not great for individuals looking to navigate sex and intimacy independently.

coral sex therapy app

coral sex therapy app
CoralCoral’s “Yes to Sex” sexual improv game.

Coral is designed for couples, which means that after a month of testing sex therapy apps on my own, it was time to tell my partner what I’d been up to—which was admittedly a lot less scary than it would have been prior to this experiment.

Like all of the other apps on this list, Coral opens with an assessment—but in this case, the questions focus more on your sex life as a couple rather than an individual. (A few examples, which are meant to be answered by both parties: Who initiates sex more often? Does your desire come on suddenly or gradually? Has your attraction to your partner grown or diminished over time?) Your answers will inform the “journeys” that the app recommends for you, which target your goals around things like communication, confidence, and pleasure within your relationship.

Based on the program’s assessment that my partner and I have different desire types, I got my own journeys, each consisting of both written and audio lessons meant to be worked through on your own. Beyond these structured solo paths, the app also offers a slew of “choose your own adventure”-type programs that you can do alone or with your S.O. There are audio guides for solo and partnered pleasure, games and activities couples can play together to help get in the mood (my personal favorite was “Yes to Sex,” a sexual improv game in which one partner says something like “I’d like to get naked tonight,” and the other keeps the conversation going by adding a “yes and” statement, like, “Yes, and, I’d like to give you a massage with essential oils.”), sex tips and how-to guides, and more.

Thanks to the confidence and comfort I started building using Blueheart and Rosy, I was genuinely excited to start working with my partner on Coral. Though many of the activities started off giggly and silly, they helped us have some real, honest conversations about sex—and for the first time in my life, I faced them head-on instead of sticking my fingers in my ears. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Dare I say it was kinda… fun?

Final Thoughts on Sex Therapy Apps

After six weeks of entrusting my sexual wellbeing to app-based therapy, I walked away with a better understanding of my sexuality and how to properly communicate my needs. It’s hard to pick a favorite among the three apps because each one is so different, but using them helped me realize that there are effective tools available, that I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to spend big money on an IRL sex therapist to work through my struggles—at least not for now.

Caring for your mental health is a highly personal endeavor, which is to say that what worked for me may not work for everyone. But all three of these apps will be staying on my phone—and in my life—for the long haul, because even though I’ve made strides, I’m still a work in progress. And if they can continue to make my sex life, and my attitude around it, even better? That’s well worth the monthly subscription fees, IMO.

Complete Article HERE!

Debunking Love Myths

— A New Look at Romance and Science

“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.”

 

Summary: A new study challenges popular romance myths, debunking the Five Love Languages with evidence-based research. The work, proposes a ‘balanced diet’ metaphor for expressing love, emphasizing the need for diverse and evolving expressions of affection in relationships.

The findings, including critiques of concepts like “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and the appeal of unplanned sex, underscore the importance of mutual satisfaction and novelty in maintaining desire.

The research calls into question widely held beliefs, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics.

Key Facts:

  1. Amy Muise’s research contradicts the Five Love Languages, suggesting a need for multiple expressions of love rather than one primary language.
  2. Studies led by Muise found that both partners’ perceptions are equally important in a relationship, challenging the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” notion.
  3. Muise’s work emphasizes the importance of planned intimacy and novel experiences in enhancing relationship satisfaction and desire.

Source: York University

From the Five Love Languages to the concept of “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” popular culture is riddled with ideas of how sex and relationships are supposed to work, but does the science back these ideas up?

According to Faculty of Health Assistant Professor and Research Chair in Relationships and Sexuality Amy Muise, the answer is frequently no. 

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, Muise, also director of the Sexual Health and Relationship (SHaRe) Lab, can offer alternative theories that are supported by her research and other literature in the field.  

Muise’s latest research debunks the Five Love Languages, offers ‘balanced diet’ metaphor as alternative 

The Five Love Languages is the invention of Gary Chapman, a one-time Baptist minister who provided marital counselling to couples in his church and wrote a book based on his experiences.

The theory goes that each of us has a primary love language – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch – and problems arise in relationships when partners are speaking different languages.

Online dating sites encourage you to share your love language, 50 million people have taken the online test, and videos with the hashtag have half a billion views on TikTok – clearly, the concept has deeply ingrained itself in the popular imagination, but according to Muise’s latest review paper in collaboration with researchers from the University of Toronto, the theory doesn’t hold up. 

“His work is based on a very religious traditional sample of monogamous, heterosexual cisgendered couples and it is all anecdotal. We were pretty skeptical of the claims made so we decided to review the existing evidence, and his idea that we all have one primary love language really isn’t supported,” says Muise.

“His measure pits the love languages against each other, but in research studies when they’ve asked people to rate each of these expressions of love independently, people tend to rate them all highly.” 

Still, Muise sees why the concept has taken off. “It’s something people can really grab onto in straightforward way and communicate something about themselves to their partner. But we would suggest that love is not a language that you need to learn how to speak but it’s more akin to a nutritionally balanced diet, where partners need multiple expressions of love simultaneously, and that these needs can change over time as life and relationships evolve.” 

Other research Muise has done similarly questions pop psychology concepts, exposing flaws along the way: 

Happy Wife, Happy Life? 

Muise and a group of international collaborators looked into the idea that it is women’s perceptions that are the barometer for the relationships, carrying more weight than men’s. In two studies looking at mixed gender couples, one examining daily diaries and the other looking at annual reports over five years, they found instead that both partners conceptions of the relationship were equally important. 

“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.” 

Is unplanned sex hotter? 

Not necessarily, says Muise. In research done last year with a York graduate student, Muise found that while many people endorsed the ideal of spontaneous sex, the researchers did not find evidence that people’s actual experience of sex was more enjoyable when not planned. If you are planning on sex this Valentine’s Day, Muise advises it might work out better to plan to have it before a big meal. 

Is too much closeness bad for sexual relationships? 

“In the research, we find couples who grow closer have more desire for each other, but we argue that what’s also needed for desire is otherness or distinctiveness,” she says. 

“It’s important to bring new things into the relationship, find ways to see a partner in a new light. Novel experiences have been shown to increase desire in long-term relationships, so when making plans for Valentine’s day, doing something together that’s broadening or expanding can increase desire.” 

About this psychology and relationships research news

Author: Emina Gamulin
Source: York University
Contact: Emina Gamulin – York University
Image: The image is credited to Neuroscience News

Original Research: Open access.
Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective” by Amy Muise et al. Current Directions in Psychological Science


Abstract

Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective

The public has something of an obsession with love languages, believing that the key to lasting love is for partners to express love in each other’s preferred language.

Despite the popularity of Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, there is a paucity of empirical work on love languages, and collectively, it does not provide strong empirical support for the book’s three central assumptions that (a) each person has a preferred love language, (b) there are five love languages, and (c) couples are more satisfied when partners speak one another’s preferred language.

We discuss potential reasons for the popularity of the love languages, including the fact that it enables people to identify important relationship needs, provides an intuitive metaphor that resonates with people, and offers a straightforward way to improve relationships.

We offer an alternative metaphor that we believe more accurately reflects a large body of empirical research on relationships: Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.

 

Let’s Talk About Sex

— The Science, the Script, the Human Right

Why do we do ’it,’ fundamentally—have sex? Sex researchers, locally and abroad, are trying to drive home that it’s about a basic human right: pleasure.

By and

Elbow-to-elbow, Minnesotans are filling up a large side room in Fulton Brewery on a Tuesday night to listen to three experts talk about sex.

Drifting through the crowd, eyeballing the room for an unclaimed seat, one could feel awkward retreating to the bar, straining to hear the three Ph.D.s as they peppered the hour-long sex talk with research- and experience-backed wisdom: about how a low libido isn’t necessarily a problem if it doesn’t bother you, about how sex doesn’t need to involve penetration, about the false idea that heterosexual women have a smaller sexual appetite than men.

“Who ordered food?” University of Minnesota sex researcher Dr. Kristen Mark asked as a hot little sandwich emerged from the kitchen. Some giggled.

The vibe at November’s “Sex Science Happy Hour” felt progressive, even perky.

Stacked on a table beside Mark were copies of “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.” Mark described the book, released in August, as radical for its wide parameters around sex: not just between heterosexual, cisgender men and women, and not only within “normative” relationship structures.

She and the co-authors of “Desire”—Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, who owns a private practice in Minneapolis, and Dr. Jennifer Vencill, of Mayo Clinic in Rochester—made the happy hour feel as though we were delicately cracking through a layer of widely agreed-upon silence. The topic was unevenness, when one partner wants more sex. Such a discrepancy is a given, they agreed. It’s a feature, not a bug. When the bimonthly forum reconvenes in March—again with Mark, again at a brewery—the topic will be masturbation. (You can sign up and find more information here.)

Is it awkward? Attendance seems to declare, “I have sex! Or want to!” Which is generally unsurprising yet somehow close to taboo. It’s refreshing, too, because aren’t we all, culturally and societally, over that puritanical type of embarrassment? Perhaps. Perhaps not really.

“I know how interested the public is in sexual and gender science,” Mark says, explaining by email her inspiration for launching the happy hours. In September 2021, the first featured well-known sex columnist Dan Savage at St. Paul’s BlackStack brewery. “I also know how inaccessible accurate information about sexual health can be to the public and how difficult it is for some people to talk about it in a comfortable way.”

The past few years, reports have been flying that Americans—especially young Americans—aren’t having as much sex. The so-called “sex recession” may amount to “one-time reactions to all the upheavals of the past few years,” suggests the Institute for Family Studies. The year of 2020 was, after all, unprecedented. In 2021’s General Social Survey, which polls American adults, 26% of respondents said they had not had sex in the past 12 months, which figured into a pattern of decline: In 2010, 21% of respondents had not had sex in the last year. In 2000, that number was closer to 18%. In 2022, we saw a slight rebound. Still, Americans seem to be having less sex than they were when the survey started three decades ago. (The survey has its limits, as pointed out in a 2020 study published through the American Medical Association. It’s subject to “response and reporting bias,” for instance, and with “sexual activity” left undefined, respondents had to interpret what counted.)

Why the dip? Researchers have flagged many reasons. Millennials and Gen Z are getting into relationships later, and living single may mean less sex. There are also digital distractions thanks to social media.

Sex will never not be a hot topic. And with reports of a modern-day “loneliness” epidemic, the media has, in some cases, treated the decline in reported sex with concern. Sex, after all, comes with a range of benefits. In the context of relationships, the experts at the Fulton event, on the other hand, framed frequency of sexual activity in neutral terms. On the individual level, not having sex does not have to raise any alarms, they said. Nothing is wrong if nothing is wrong.

Illustration by Lisa Seitz

Presenting these Sex Science Happy Hours is the University of Minnesota’s Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health. Minnesotans may not realize the institute is a big deal in sex research. “It’s world-renowned,” says Mark, who is director of education at the institute. Maybe because of Minnesotans’ humble nature, she says, “people here don’t know we exist. We have this amazing institution. I’ve always been aware of this place that is so well-known nationally and internationally but not locally.” Readers likely know the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University for its headline-grabbing decades of sex research, but the U of M’s institute is equally prestigious and a rising star in gender studies and clinical access.

Bringing some of that reputation to the community, Mark modeled the happy hours after other casual, educational hangouts—Suds n’ Science, Brainy Brews. “Breweries are notorious for having a laid-back atmosphere. That’s what is most important about this.” 

At one point, an attendee took the mic to ask about consensual non-monogamy. With partners openly dating multiple people, what happens when a newcomer begins to enjoy a “honeymoon” phase and starts soaking up the sexual attention? (One answer: Those who have been in the relationships longer can learn to cultivate “responsive” desire, as opposed to “spontaneous.”) Other audience questions came up anonymously, on notecards.

Some takeaways from that night:

  • Assuming a common “sexual staircase” exists, along which everybody moves up the same graduating levels of intimacy—with penetration, perhaps, inevitably at the top—may trip up the many who “have a different pathway to pleasure.” 
  • In relationships, libidos will likely never match. The notion that one partner—typically the one with a lower sex drive—needs “fixing” or is “the problem” isn’t fair.
  • Whereas “spontaneous” desire stirs up seemingly at random, “responsive” desire depends more on stimuli and context. Sometimes we exemplify one more than the other.
  • A study released last year found women’s desire appeared to have more ups and downs throughout their lives, but men and women have similar desire fluctuations throughout the week. So, the notion that women generally have lower sex drives than men? It doesn’t hold up.
  • Research has shown that some approaching retirement are having the most satisfying sex of their lives. Hormones are not the end-all, be-all.

Ultimately, sex is personal. Within the bounds of consent, you are your own authority on what feels good. But for those who have felt stifled by dominant “scripts”—which may reduce sex to what’s seen in the media, or what’s described by parents and friends—there can be liberation in taking sexual pleasure as a fundamental right.

Illustration by Lisa Seitz

The Right to Sexual Pleasure

Why do we do “it,” fundamentally—have sex? Because it feels good.

Sex reduces pain, relieves stress, improves sleep, lowers blood pressure, and strengthens heart health, according to multiple medically reviewed studies. And it’s enjoyable.

“That’s what it comes down to: Sex gives us pleasure,” Mark says.

This sex-positive focus is emerging as a popular way to think about the universal and natural act. Instead of focusing on pregnancy prevention, consensual concerns, and other “negatives” around sex, researchers and others are working to recognize and enhance the benefits.

Mark and her colleagues say sexual pleasure is so important that it should be considered a human right, something along the lines of the right to a fair trial, free speech, and freedom from torture.

Pleasure is a fundamental part of sexual response, which happens in four phases and is called the “sexual cycle,” as coined in 1966 by researchers at the Kinsey Institute.

The first phase is excitement. The second is a continuation and intensity of first-phase changes—a faster heartbeat, heavier breathing, increased blood flow to sexual organs. Phase three is the orgasm stage, a series of intense muscle contractions. Then breathing calms, the sexual organs return to their original size and color, and resolution is reached.

This linear, four-stage model revolutionized sexual research for decades, but since then, “we’ve learned much more,” Mark says. In fact, the four-phase order is not always accurate: Not every sex act leads to orgasm, some people have sex without feeling any excitement, and others have multiple orgasms in a row and don’t reach resolution.

Sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan added the concept of “desire” to the cycle in the late 1970s, arguing that humans need to be “in the mood” to get aroused and have an orgasm. She also emphasized the potential emotional impact of sex.

About two decades ago, during the rise of post-modern and non-linear thinking, sex researcher Rosemary Basson introduced the circular sexual response model. She posited that humans have sex for multiple reasons, not just excitement.

As the research on human sexuality continues to expand to include gender norms and societal perceptions, Dr. Annelise Swigert, an obstetrician and gynecologist at Southdale ObGyn, adds that good sex needs to involve feelings of safety—and, obviously, consent. For instance, maybe contraceptives free you from worry about pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

“You should be able to enjoy sex, however you define ‘pleasurable,’” Swigert says. She adds, “Sex should not be painful.” That’s a concern many menopausal and post-menopausal women have.

By reframing sexual pleasure as a human right, Mark says, her work as a sex educator becomes about creating a common ground. “There’s an assumption that when you say, ‘sex education,’ you’re teaching kids how to have sex. That’s not it at all. Actually, we see strong support for sex education that focuses on pleasure”—whether that means self-stimulation, oral sex, vaginal sex, or some other method. “It’s doing a good job with community building. When educators learn about the pleasure, they usually buy in.”

She adds, “There has been so little funding poured into understanding the physiology of human sexual pleasure—another issue that is totally related to people’s lack of comfort talking about it or seeing it as important—but that is changing.”

And that’s something else we feel good about.

Illustration by Lisa Seitz

Sex Survey Results

According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior:

  • Men and women both were likely to report sexual satisfaction if they also reported frequent kissing and cuddling, sexual caressing by the partner, higher sexual functioning, and if they had sex more frequently. On the other hand, for men, having had more sex partners in their lifetime was a predictor of less sexual satisfaction.
  • Frequent kissing or cuddling predicted happiness in the relationship for men but not for women. Both men and women reported more happiness the longer they had been together.
  • Over 50% of respondents ages 18-24 indicated that their most recent sexual partner was a casual or dating partner. For all other age groups, the majority of study participants indicated that their most recent sexual partner was a relationship partner.
  • 28% of Americans over age 45 report they had sexual intercourse once a week or more in the last six months, and 40% report having intercourse at least once a month. More than one in five Americans over age 45 (22%) say they engage in self-stimulation at least once a week.
  • For women aged 50 and older, older age is related to a decline in all sexual behaviors: 5% per year of age for penile-vaginal intercourse; 7% per year of age receiving or giving oral sex.
  • About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event.
  • Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included.
  • Women are much more likely to be nearly always or always orgasmic when alone than with a partner. However, among women currently in a partnered relationship, 62% say they are very satisfied with the frequency/consistency of orgasm.

A note about the survey: The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) is the largest nationally representative probability survey focused on understanding sex in the United States. It is an ongoing multi-wave study with data collected in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2018. More than 20,000 people between the ages of 14 and 102 have participated in the NSSHB.

Complete Article HERE!

She’s Not Celibate

— She’s ‘Boysober’

Hope Woodard, a comedian and influencer, at Purgatory, a club in Brooklyn. Her decision to take a long break from romantic relationships has drawn an enthusiastic reaction from her fans.

The comedian Hope Woodard is spreading the word about her yearlong break from sex and dating. One fan calls it “this year’s hottest mental health craze.”

By Marisa Charpentier

A flock of mostly 20-somethings gathered on Tuesday night in a chapel-like building in Brooklyn to hear about a subject that has been a hot topic in religious spaces for centuries: celibacy.

Except no one was using that term. Instead, they were calling it “boysober.”

“I hate the word celibacy,” said the host of the event, Hope Woodard, a comedian and storyteller who grew up in the Church of Christ in rural Tennessee.

Ms. Woodard, who lives in Brooklyn, described herself as sex-positive — and sometimes wears a button that says “I heart female orgasms” to prove it. But after taking inventory of her dating life in October, and realizing that she had been in a relationship of some kind since kindergarten, she decided to take a year away from sex and dating.

With nearly half a million followers across TikTok and Instagram, Ms. Woodard, 27, started using the term “boysober” at the start of her journey. Now she is describing the experience in a monthly storytelling and comedy show, called “Boysober,” at Purgatory, an entertainment venue in Brooklyn’s Bushwick neighborhood that was once an administrative building of the Evergreens Cemetery.

At the first sold-out show, the approximately 100 attendees filled the seats and crowded around the small stage. Before introducing the lineup of comics, Ms. Woodard explained that she intended “boysober” as an all-encompassing term, one that meant abstaining from romantic relationships with people of any gender.

An audience comprising young women, some sitting, some standing, in a small club.
Audience members at Ms. Woodard’s recent “Boysober” show.

The audience of mostly women and nonbinary people often burst into knowing laughter as the comedians told stories about inconsiderate partners who had left pubic hairs on the toilet seat; offered an unrefrigerated cheese stick from their back pocket; and invited a different woman to a Halloween party they had planned on going to together.

During her time at the mic, Ms. Woodard described moments when she was the villain of her own dating story — times when she had led someone on, or had allowed herself to be treated poorly because she wanted attention.

A highlight was her story about going back to Tennessee and spending time with her grandmother, who has dementia. During the visit, she noticed that her grandmother kept sending texts to her ex — that is, Ms. Woodard’s grandfather — and grew angry when he didn’t reply. The thing is, her grandfather is dead.

“I’m like, ‘Mimi, you are going to be left “on read” till your grave!’” Ms. Woodard told the crowd, using a term for a text not responded to.

And yet, she recognized herself in that moment.

“Do you ever see your mom or your grandma doing something and you’re like, ‘that’s messed up’” — Ms. Woodard used a stronger word — “but then you’re like, ‘I know I’ve got that inside of me’?”

Ms. Woodard, wearing red tights, stands at the microphone onstage before a small audience.
Ms. Woodard’s stories of sex and dating included one about her grandmother’s texting habits.

A big part of the yearlong break from sex and romance is unlearning the unhealthy relationship patterns that often get passed down from generation to generation. “Maybe we are one of the first generations of women where we don’t actually have to plug into a man for, like, energy and power and whatever,” Ms. Woodard said.

Eliza Wright, an events planner from Brooklyn who was in the audience, said she knew what it was like to take a break from men. After a few bad sexual experiences in college, she stopped having sex for a couple years, and in that time she realized she wasn’t attracted to men at all, she said. She then fell in love with her longtime best friend Jess. The two are now married.

Ms. Wright, 25, pointed to the pressure on women to earn male attention. “When that dissolves,” she said, “there’s a whole new world that opens.”

Ms. Woodard said that, growing up in the South, she was raised to please others. Now, she said, she sometimes struggles with knowing what she wants. At its core, her “boysober” year is about learning how to say no.

“I’m a little bit angry at myself and angry at all the sex that I’ve had that I feel like I didn’t choose,” she said. “For the first time ever, I just feel like I have ownership over my body.”

Catie Kobland, 24, a nanny and graduate student in Manhattan who attended the event, said that she and her friends “go celibate” every so often.

“When you get out of a relationship, or you have a really bad situationship and dating or seeing people is tainted, and you want to rinse it from your mouth, I feel like the best way to do it is celibacy,” Ms. Kobland said. “It’s this year’s hottest mental health craze.”

Complete Article HERE!

When my partner was in the hospital, I missed his ex.

— Polyamory has only made my family stronger.

Alex Alberto (not pictured) says that through polyamory, their family has become more resilient.

By

  • Alex Alberto (they/them) is a queer and polyamorous storyteller who lives in Upstate New York.
  • The following is an adapted excerpt from their memoir “Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home,” which is available for preorder (out February 19).
  • “Entwined” tells the story of Alberto’s decade-long polyamorous journey toward a new kind of family.

My partner entered the hospital room in a blue gown, his clothes stuffed in a clear plastic bag.

“You left the back untied!” I said, with a forced chuckle.

“Oh, they see hairy butts all day long,” Don replied. “Plus, most of their patients aren’t as sexy as me…”

Standing in the doorway, he pulled his gown up and lifted his thigh, toes seductively pointed on the floor. I rose from the chair, smiled, and snapped a picture of him. I knew he was trying to set a mood that meant this wasn’t a big deal. In the five years we’d been together, I’d pictured him dying or falling seriously ill hundreds, maybe thousands of times.

The author's partner, Don, while in the hospital.
The author’s partner, Don, while in the hospital.

I’ve always been worried that something would happen to Don

I’d always imagined it would be around his 51st birthday, the age my father was when he had a stroke that left him paralyzed and unable to speak. I’d had intrusive thoughts about all my loved ones suddenly dying or getting sick ever since. Every time I’d voice my fears, Don patiently held me and said he’d live healthily for a very, very long time. But here he was, at 40, about to undergo heart surgery.

While Don was in the operating room, I sat on the blue vinyl chair in his office, grateful that his research center was in the hospital and that I had a quiet place to cry. I had a pile of memoirs and hours of crime podcasts saved on my phone.

“The procedure can take anywhere between three and 10 hours,” a nurse had told us, shaking her head. I looked at the books at my feet and didn’t pick any up. I turned the fluorescent light on, and turned it off. I looked at the psychology diplomas behind his desk. He had finally gotten them framed, 10 years after his last graduation. I sat on the floor and leaned on his desk.

The author and their partner, Don. They are sitting in the passenger seat of a car while Don is driving.
The author and their partner, Don.

During his surgery, I considered reaching out to his ex

I thought of calling Bridget, Don’s ex. Don met Bridget a year into our relationship; they’d dated for three years. Bridget broke up with him the summer before. He was over her, but I still missed her. She and I texted here and there, but it seemed inappropriate to call now.

Before Bridget, I’d never felt the power of a metamour bond — the bond with my partner’s partner. Don had a few girlfriends who were around for a few months, but we never clicked. One had a high-pitched, nasal voice that scratched my insides, another answered all my questions with a single word. But Bridget was present in conversation, and, like me, initiated her journey into polyamory while single. “Monogamy was a coat that never fit quite right,” she’d told me. She was a kindred spirit. I felt seen.

The success rate of Don’s procedure was high, so my rational brain trusted everything would be fine, and that his arrhythmia would disappear. But I also imagined sitting in a waiting room alone 10, 20 years down the road, a doctor telling me they couldn’t save him. That anticipated grief cinched my insides.

I then imagined that Bridget was part of that hypothetical future. I pictured us holding each other while crying, reminiscing about Don’s quirks: his bedside table full of protein bar wrappers that he ate in the middle of the night, how he mindlessly wiggled his thumb above his phone when he was reading the news, the way he kissed us both on the back of the neck. Sharing the pain of losing a partner made the possibility of it seem bearable.

Through polyamory, I’ve made connections beyond my own partners

When I began my journey into non-monogamy, I was focused on the freedom of developing romantic and sexual intimacy with multiple people. But in my relationship with Bridget, I realized metamours could become core members of my family.

Don’s surgery went well, but I couldn’t shake the creeping worry that I had become too reliant on him. That my identity and well-being were primarily tied to him. While I’d had other committed partners since meeting him, those relationships had ended. But I didn’t expect that Bridget breaking up with Don could also break my heart.

Polyamory has shown me a way to expand my family and make it more resilient. My life experience has made me acutely aware and sensitive to the vulnerability of the nuclear family. My half-sister’s father drowned when she was 11. My uncle was a trucker and died in an accident when he was in his early 30s. Both my grandfathers died of heart attacks in their early 60s. My father had his stroke well before his retirement age. When I think of a resilient future, it necessitates having multiple life partners. I need to know my stool won’t get knocked over if one leg breaks.

Complete Article HERE!

How Will I Know If I’ve Found True Love?

— Lasting connection and intimacy take work

By Julia Childs Heyl, MSW

The desire for love is universal. It’s rare to encounter a human being who has never yearned for true love, but what does the term even mean?

>We associate “true love” with fairytales and Disney, or with extravagant weddings and romantic films about couples overcoming adversity together and building a beautiful life together.

The concept of true love is even puzzling to researchers, with academic literature indicating love is an experience that boils down to a collection of emotions that further our ability to survive.

While there certainly is truth in this, from the drive to reproduce to the intense attachment that can provide support during the end of our lives, deep love can be hard to spot.1

It isn’t uncommon to wonder if you’ve found true love, or if the love you once thought was your end game is fading, and if true love even lasts. We’ve got you. This article will help you spot and learn how to nurture deep, secure, love in—hopefully—its truest form.

Characteristics of True Love

To learn how to identify true love, it’s important to understand the characteristics of it. A key component of true love is an unwavering sense of mutually feeling respected and valued. Speaking poorly of each other and breaking the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship exist as the antithesis of these traits.

Lauren Consul, LMFT

Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.
— Lauren Consul, LMFT

Unconditional acceptance and support are also key to true love. The same way you don’t speak poorly of each other, it is also important that you accept and support one another in the best and worst of times. This doesn’t mean that you evade difficult truths. In true love, you can trust that you can be honest. Furthermore, you can trust that your partner is honest with you.

But, true love isn’t only about respect, values, and boundaries. There are also enchanting elements that keep you in the relationship when times feel tough.

To dig deeper into the magic, we talked to licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Consul, “Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.” This is a key point to remember—true love isn’t the end of a book. It’s the process of writing an evolving story. “It involves experiencing a sense of safety, assurance, and significance in the eyes of your partner,” she continued. This type of connection helps develop a deep emotional bond and intimacy.

How does true love feel?

When it comes to the concept of love, it isn’t uncommon to hear people say you’ll just know. There’s good reason for this. An element of love is unspeakable, it is a feeling above all. “It goes beyond merely being heard; it’s about feeling that your words hold importance for your partner,” shares Consul. This feeling indicates emotional connection, trust, and vulnerability.

True love feels less like adrenaline and more like the sense of calm you’re left with after receiving a much-needed hug. It doesn’t leave you with questions or mixed-up emotions and feels authentic in a deeper way than what many of us have experienced.

However, things can get tricky. You can have a deep love for someone and also no longer wish to continue in a relationship with them. Though this may seem contradictory, such a predicament isn’t an indicator of a lack of depth, “True love doesn’t conquer all…it coexists with external circumstances that may end the relationship journey, but does not end the love,” says Consul.<

Similarly, she shares that someone can also love another but be unable to truly express that love because they have yet to do important internal work. Alas, this is when we end up in the unfortunate predicament of emotional unavailability. Yet, in a secure loving relationship, both parties are dedicated to doing the work to ensure they are available for the sweetness a relationship can bring.

How do I find it?

Dating to find true love can be a daunting task in a world where many people are just looking for casual connections. However, with some persistence, focus, and self-work, it is possible to not only find your match but to enjoy the journey along the way.

“With dating, a crucial aspect is self-awareness. That means understanding both your positive attributes and the baggage you carry,” explains Consul. She continued by acknowledging that while it is important to honor your strengths and deservingness of a great relationship, it is more critical that you’re aware of your baggage, generational patterns, trauma, and triggers. Once you have cultivated that awareness, you can do the deep self-work required to ensure you can show up to a romantic relationship with emotional availability and patience.

As for the logistics of dating? Somatic psychotherapist, coach, and mindfulness teacher Francesca Maximé gave us her thoughts: “Dating apps are always going to be an option, but try to meet people in real life.”

She suggests volunteering, joining a sports league, or taking a class as options. She continued by explaining that getting to know someone through a shared interest can take the pressure off of the early days of dating.

Maintaining True Love

So, you’ve found the love. How do you keep it? According to Consul, the bedrock of a thriving, long-term relationship lies in sustained curiosity. Curiosity helps avoid assumptions, which in turn avoids judgment while fostering intimacy and solutions.

Beyond curiosity is effective communication. Research shows that the way a couple navigates conflict is directly indicative of the quality of the relationship.2 Conflict isn’t bad for a relationship and is a great way couples can learn how to navigate challenges together.

“Frequently, we fall into the trap of making assumptions because we believe we know our partner inside out. However, this can gradually erode a relationship, leading to disconnection.” You can cultivate a sense of curiosity by continually asking questions. It can be as simple as, “What is your favorite food right now?” Or, “What is something new you’ve learned lately?” Though these questions may seem elementary, you’ll be surprised at what conversations they can open up.

Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist

True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,.
— Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist

Another tool to tap into is the Gottman Institute’s Card Deck app. The Gottman Institute, founded by the creators of the Gottman Method Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is committed to providing research-based therapy and support to couples around the world. Their Card Deck app utilizes a series of open-ended questions and activities that are designed to increase emotional connection, understanding, and intimacy.

If you’re noticing things are feeling particularly rocky within your relationship, consider seeking out therapy. Couples therapy is an excellent tool that can help you streamline your communication, physical connection, and emotional understanding of one another. If you’re not sure where to begin, Inclusive Therapists is an excellent therapist directory where you can search for therapists based on identity, modality, location, fee, and more.

Keep in Mind

While true love takes work, your fruits of labor will be well worth it. “True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,” explains Maximé.

If you’ve found it, trust that you can sustain it. If you’re looking for it, trust it is waiting for you.

Complete Article HERE!