Category Archives: Sex Therapy

Fear of Sex, Lasting Longer, Performance Anxiety, Preorgasmic Women, Sensate Focus

The Little Engine That Could

Name: Terri
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Location: ND
I’m having a problem with knowing when I am feeling an orgasm. I feel like I have to fake it around my husband because I am unsure. Sometimes when I’m alone I just feel like I have to go to the bathroom so I stop myself and then other times I feel like my legs are paralyzed but that’s it. I don’t ever feel like I’m sexually stimulated. Just tired. Any ideas as to what I am doing or not doing or what might be causing it?

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that your are, what we in the business call, preorgasmic. My experience tells me that if you’ve actually had an orgasm, you’d know it. All the symptoms you list — feel like you have pee; feel like your legs are paralyzed; or just plain exhausted, don’t sound orgasmic to me.

clitoral anatomyI can’t actually say I know what you are doing wrong, if anything. You don’t really go into detail on how you pleasure yourself. But I will hazard a guess as to what is causing this. And that would be inadequate stimulation to your pleasure centers.

Even in this day and age where sexually laden messages abound in the popular culture, there are still some women, even young women, who are unversed about orgasms in general and how they could go about getting one for themselves in particular.

Orgasms don’t always come easily for some women, and that’s a fact. I suppose there are as many reasons for this as there are preorgasmic women. A woman’s pleasure center (her clit) is more subtle and less obvious than a man’s raging boner. Women are socialized about sexuality — even nowadays — in a much different way then men are. Men have more cultural permissions to be sexually adventuresome than do women. And if the truth be told, us men folk, — we don’t need no stinkin’ permission to get our self off!clit

The basic formula for achieving an orgasm is acquainting yourself with your pussy. Map out all the points of interest. Find out what feels good, and repeat it. The object of this first step is not to stress about having an orgasm it’s all about reconnecting with your cunt.

The more you know about this marvelous part of you the better you’re gonna be at slammin yourself a screamin’ meme when the time comes. Knowing your way around your pussy is also gonna be helpful in partnered sex, especially if your partners are men.

The first part of this exercise is called a self-sexological exam. Get a hand mirror and find a really detailed diagram of female genitalia on the internet. Using the diagram as a guide, work at familiarizing yourself and making friends with your pussy. Once you are certain you know all the parts, I want you to do a detailed touch test. I want you to test for sensitivity very square inch of your body from your asshole to your navel. I want you to draw pictures of your own cunt and surrounding area, then color them to represent the levels of sensitivity — red being the hottest and most pleasurable areas to blue being the more neutral areas and all the colors in-between. I encouraged you to try this exercise with both a wet hand and a dry hand. I suggest a nice personal lubricant for your wet hand exploration. Spend at least 30 minutes a day for three consecutive days on this home-play. You have a lot of reacquainting to do, don’t cha know. And this is private time; your partner(s) is not invited.

hitachi-magic-wandThe next step in your home-play will include a vibrator. If you don’t already have one, shop for one. There are plenty of suggestions for vibes on my product reviews site: DrDickSexToyReviews.com. (There’s a vast array of pleasure products on that site and all the guesswork has been eliminated. The Dr Dick Review Crew painstakingly reviewed each product so that you’ll be able to see what’s hot and what’s not.)

Now using the pictures you created of your genitals in part one of this exercise, I want you to kick-start that vibrator, throw it into first gear and start making small lazy circles around the blue areas, and work your way to the bright red areas. Do this privately for 30 minutes for three consecutive days or until there was a breakthrough.

The next step is masturbation. You may have tried it before without success, that’s ok. This time you’ll be better informed about all the hot spots of your cooch that you learned in step one. I’m a big fan of full body masturbation. So while you’re diddlin’ yourself spread the sexual energy all over your body — tits, ass, feet, mouth, whatever.Aloe Cadabra

Vary your technique: stroke, pinch, pat, massage, and rub yourself all over. Vary your breathing, gyrate your hips, listen to sexy music, rent some porn, watch yourself in a mirror, or throw in some Kegel exercises. Try a wet hand. Play with yourself in the bath. Hell, dance around naked with a jewel in your navel…whatever it takes.

Many women experience their first orgasm with the help of a vibrator. I encourage you to be adventuresome and experiment with one too. Try a dildo or another sex toy.

Be sure to keep a journal during this exploratory period. This will help you later to bridge the gap in communicating with your partner(s).

Finally, Terri, I want to turn you on to a fantastic website, www.Clitical.com. This is a one-stop shop for all things relating to female sexuality.

Good luck

Dribblin’ Instead of Shootin’?

Name: Alvaro
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Mexico
Hi, I’m concerned because I never shoot when I cum. I dribble. I don’t like the way I cum, can you advice me how to cum shooting?? Is there anything I can do? Is it my fault or I was born with a less powered gun than others?? Sorry to bother. And thx for your help.

The problem you describe is a common one. And the solution is relatively simple. It lies in, of all things, muscle mechanics. An ejaculation is primarily a muscle contraction — built up energy being released — thus the spurt. No spurt, or a dribble most likely indicates poor muscle tone. But there’s an easy and fun solution, or more properly an exercise. Kegel exercises to be precise.

turkey-basterLet’s start at the beginning, which is always a good place to begin, don’t ‘cha know. Your prostate is the source of your ejaculate. You have a handle on that concept, right? Good! Now picture a turkey baster. Imagine your prostate as the bulb on the one end and your dick as stalk with a hole in it at the other end. Picture the baster pointed upward, like your cock with an erection. Imagine the bulb is full of fluid and you need to get that fluid out the bulb, up the stalk and out the hole…just like your spooge when you cum. How ya gonna do that? A firm grasp on the bulb and a hefty squeeze, that’s how!

So Alvaro, if you’re dribblin’ instead of shootin’, your muscles need to be strengthened and toned. And like I said, I have just the right exercises for you.

Anyone who is paying the least bit of attention to the ranting and raving of Dr Dick will fruit_genitalsimmediately be familiar with Kegel exercises. I talk about them a lot. And those who haven’t been paying attention — listen up, you monkeys! Kegel exercises serve to tone and strengthen the pubococcygeus muscle or as we in the know like to call it, the “PC” muscle, which is part of the muscle group at the floor of the pelvis. The health of this muscle group plays a vital role in getting you up and getting you off, as well as in other aspects of healthy genital functioning.

Kegel exercises help increase blood flow to the genital area (getting you up). And Kegel exercises strengthen and tone the muscles that are involved in ejaculation (getting you off). If you exercise this muscle regularly, you’ll gain greater control over the timing and strength of your ejaculations. Kegel exercises can also prevent incontinence and other problems associated with aging, but we’ll save that for another time.

male_anatomy.jpgSo you’re probably saying to yourself, “sure, Dr Dick, I’d like to strengthen my PC muscle, but I never even heard of that muscle, let along know where to fine it.”

Alrighty then, Alvaro, here’s what ya do. Work up a full bladder, the more full your bladder the better. Go to the john and sit on the toilet. (Yeah, just like a girl!) Now let the pee flow. As you’re doin’ that, I want you to interrupt the stream of piss several times before you empty your bladder. The muscle you are using to do this is your PC muscle. Look to distinguish between your PC muscles and your anal sphincter muscles. With a little practice you’ll become adept at separating out these two muscle groups. Actually strengthening all your pelvic muscles is a swell idea, especially for power bottoms, but again we’ll save that topic for another time too.

Now that you have located your PC muscle, you can exercise it at will, even when your bladder is completely empty. First, try squeezing your PC muscles as hard as you can for a count of three seconds. Then relax. Repeat this till you feel the muscles tiring. How fun is this?

I want you to work for both muscle strength and tone. For example, start with five strong prolonged squeezes (5 seconds apiece). Relax. Then do a series of 10 rapid contractions in a row. Doing three sets of each twice a day for a week is your goal. When you are ready to proceed try increasing this to three sets of eight to ten prolonged squeezes and 20 rapid contractions in a set. The advanced Kegeler will be able to vary the type and timing of his PC squeezing; slow clenches to quick flutters.PG-TrainingKitOnly-Promo

If you keep this up, you’ll be shootin’ jizz across the room in no time. And the beauty part of Kegel exercises is you can do them whenever and wherever you like. You can be sitting in a meeting with your boss and be doing your Kegel exercises. You can argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend and be doing your Kegel exercises. You can be watching reruns of Leave It To Beaver with your maiden aunt and be doing your Kegel exercises. Who would have guessed improving your sexual health would be such a pleasure?

If you’re serious about all of this, I have else to share with you. This is The Private Gym. It’s the first interactive, follow-along exercise program that helps men strengthen the muscles that support and control our cock. As men approach age 30, the muscles that support erectile function begin to weaken. By age 40, more than 50% of men experience some form of erectile dysfunction and this number increases to more then 66% as men approach 60 years of age. And for all you bottoms out there, you know how important it is to keep anal muscles in tip-top, pardon the pun, shape. And, just in case you didn’t know, The Private Gym won the coveted Best Health Related Product or Toy of 2014 as compiled by the Dr Dick Review Crew. So how about them apples?

Good luck

Slut Shaming

Name: Martin
Gender: Male
Age: 50
Location:
Thanks in advance for your assistance, Dr. Dick.
Here’s my dilemma; I’m so in love with my partner, he’s actually the man of my dreams. We met much later in life, he being 45 and I’m 50.
I was married before w/children, out now as a gay man and all is well with my children’s relationship.
My partner has always known he was gay, has had numerable relationships, and was a sexual addict. He has wanted me to understand his past in relationship to his level of happiness now, stating that he was a bottom slut only because he was never truly in love or satisfied.
He wants me to believe that “I’m the one” that has changed his life-long addiction to strange dick up his ass.
I can’t seem to get past his past slut behavior, and oftentimes get so pissed off because he wants me to meet and develop friendships with many of these past fucks (primarily because they were military buddies also).
Why can’t I accept his slutty past and stop the suspicions?
Why do I get so upset just knowing that he was a total bottom slut??
How can I get him to understand that I have no desire to know any more about his sexual past and just focus on creating our lives???
Thanks,

Martin, Martin, Martin! How you do go on, darling.bullshit

Take a look at your language, why don’t ‘cha? Could you possibly be any more pejorative when speaking of the sexual experiences of someone who has lived a different lifestyle than you? I doubt it. Look at how many times you use the word “slut” to describe the man you say you love. I’m gonna call you out on that. You simply can’t tell me you love someone that you have so little regard for.

Your man wants you to understand his past, but you won’t take it at face value. You belittle his experience, possibly because it doesn’t match your own very limited, sexually exclusive, predominately heterosexual lifestyle.

circle jerkListen, lots of gay men (and some straight men) have loads of sex for lots different reasons. Sometimes just for the fun of it…or, as your man suggests, just to be a big old bottom slut. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. One can be happily sexual without loving each and every one of his partners. And the sex can be really good too. Just as one can have very unsatisfying sex with somebody one loves deeply. Sex, intimacy, and love are not necessarily dependent on the one another. No need to make such a tangle of it all, Martin.

I also want to reinforce my belief that there’s no such thing as a sex addict. Compulsive behavior? Sure! Out of control behavior? You betcha! Self-denigrating behavior? Absolutely! Sexual addiction? No way!

Try for just a minute to extricate yourself from your sex-negative mindset by exchanging the notion of eating when you talk about your friend’s sexual exploits. Would you have the same revulsion if your guy said he had shared food with lots of other guys? Some of it was fast food that didn’t satisfy all that much. Sometimes he ate just because he wanted to, not because he was hungry. And now he wants you and he, as a couple, to be friends with some of the men he ate with. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me!fingering his ass

Your man is inviting you to open yourself up and see life and sex as most openly gay men do. This is fundamentally different from how some formerly closeted men see life and sex. If you let him, he just might help heal you of your sex-negativity.

Finally, jealousy is one of the worst human emotions. It’s actually a kind of hatred, you know. Sometimes it’s hatred of another, but it is always self-hatred. You say you love this man; again, I challenge you on that. It’s clear to me that you have a much greater love of your provincial notions about sex then you have for this guy.

Here’s a tip, Martin. Jettison the unhealthy attitudes about sexual expression and give your guy a chance to be himself, not the idealized man you’ve made him out be, or think he should be. You’d be well served by working with a sex-positive therapist to help you get over this. Do it now, because if you hesitate you will surely ruin the very relationship you claim to treasure.

Good luck

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Name: Trey
Gender: Male
Age: 24
Location: Charleston, SC
I’m a good looking guy. At least that’s what people tell me. I’m educated, have a good job, have a great sense of humor, and I’m also bi. I thought that being attracted to both women and men would increase the likelihood of me finding the sexual satisfaction I so desperately want and need.

I’m not afraid of commitment, but I can’t seem to get beyond casual hook ups and affairs that last only a few months. The sex is a hit or miss kind of thing, but even when the sex is great, I always seem to hit a wall. I can’t seem to get to the next level.

The New Year is upon us and I don’t want to remain stuck in this holding pattern. What am I missing? Any advice for someone like me?

Thanks for the timely question, Trey. And Happy New Year to you.

i'd totally fuck youYou bring up two very important skill sets — satisfying sex and relationship building. Despite the myths perpetuated by the popular culture, the two are not necessarily interdependent. Sexual satisfaction is one thing, and it can be achieved through traditional relationship models or not. Successful primary relationships can and often do depend on the sexual satisfaction of the partners, but not always. And given the diversity of intimate interests people have, it’s no wonder some come away from the experience frustrated and disappointed. Think of it as a combination lock. All the tumblers need to align for the lock to open.

The secret, it seems to me, is to discover precisely what it is you are looking for and deciding precisely what it is you are willing to expend getting what you want.

And I hope that your bisexuality has lead you to embrace more relationship models than what is traditionally handed us as the be all and end all—heterosexual monogamy. There is so much more out there.foreplay

That being said, I do have some generic thoughts about sexual satisfaction that are applicable to whatever relationship model you choose. Great sex is dependent on mutuality, even in a casual hook up. Be sure your partner knows he or she is loved, appreciated, or in terms of the casual hook up, respected.

If the connection you have with another has legs, so to speak, you will soon discover that either you or your partner has a stronger libido than does the other. That’s pretty common. Deal with this immediately, like adults. Don’t wait for your relationship to go broken. It’s just too easy to walk away from something that is floundering instead of investing the effort it would take to right it. Does that sound familiar? I wouldn’t be surprised if it does. Accommodations and compromise are always necessary in seeking the common good. And by that I don’t mean sinking to the lowest common denominator.  People come to compromise and accommodation through effective communication. If you don’t know how to do that, your relationship, of whatever stripe, is doomed.

female body as art 2Passion is not a dirty word, nor is sexual expression a sin. If you or a partner has religious scruples about enjoying you own body or that of your partner you’re headed for trouble. And remember, boredom in the bedroom is a recipe for disaster.

You should be well versed in self-pleasuring. In fact, the more you know about your body and the mysteries of your sexual response cycle the smoother things will go in partnered sex. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to partnered sex uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.

Like I said, mutuality is the key. And since we all evolve sexually, partners need to grow right along with each other. Make your sex play an adventure. Never hesitate to check in with one another to see how the pleasure thing is going. What’s worked last time is not necessarily gonna work next time.

Spontaneity is always a real good thing. Both partners need to take responsibility for seeing that their intimacy needs are being met. Sometimes that will involve fucking like bunnies, other times it will mean vegging-out in front of the boob-tube with a fist full of Häagen-Dazs.

Again, communication is key! Openness and honesty about one’s most secret sexual fantasies and desires is essential. Can’t trust your partner with your secrets? That’s never a good sign. Take responsibility for your own sexuality. Ask for what you need, but don’t neglect caring for yourself.

Seek your partner’s pleasure before your own. This is particularly important for a man.

If you are too busy to celebrate your sexuality with your partner, you are indeed too fuckin’ busy. Prioritize your life with your partner at its center.

nipple rubThere’s a fundamental difference between making love and fucking. Both have their place in a healthy sex life. And there ought also be room for solitary sex too. Everyone in entitled to privacy and private time, especially in a relationship.  If your job, or career, or whatever else interests you is more important than your relationship don’t expect that relationship to last.

Be creative in your sexual expression; toys, fantasies, role-playing, they’re all good. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Attend to making your sex play spaces fit the mood — romantic to down and dirty. One size does not fit all, if you catch my drift.

Stay in shape (and there’s not just one shape), get plenty of exercise, and keep yourself interesting and attractive to your partner. Pay attention to your personal hygiene. No one wants to bump someone with a smelly body or bad breath.

Make sure your partner is fully aroused before full-on fucking. And remember sex is way more than the old in an out. Finally, have a sense of humor about the whole damn thing; it will help take the edge off.

Good luck

Holier Than Thou

Name: Jean
Gender:
Age: 36
Location: New Haven, CT
I’ve been with the same man for 14 years. We both decided to become Christians about a year ago. Now he’s not interested in sharing the same bed and not interested in having sex with me. It tried to overlook this hoping it was some kind of phase, but it goes on and on and he still doesn’t want sex. He’s the only man that could ever satisfy me sexually. I dated a few guys, four to be exact, before we met. I still love this guy but he won’t acknowledge my feelings. I feel like I’m losing everything, my best friend, my partner, my lover …and my sanity. I’m happy we’re still together, but I’m frustrated to the point of exhaustion without my sex life. Any ideas what I could do to turn this around?

What an unhappy tale of woe you have you have to tell, Jean. The Christian conversion thing didn’t quite work out like ya thought, huh? Well maybe it has less to do with Christianity per se, and more to do with the Joe who converted with you.

I’ve heard similar complaints from other people whose partners have decided, unilaterally, to make a radical life-change for themselves. Often these new zealots fail to appreciate how their life altering decisions impact on the wellbeing of those around them. And because they are so damn single-minded about their new passion — as every zealot is, there is rarely any talking to them.holier-than-thou

Two former clients come to mind. First, there was George, a gay man in a 10-year relationship with this other really sweet guy, Robert. Eight years into the relationship Robert had a heart attack. Despite a full recovery and living a much healthier lifestyle after the hear attack, Robert got it in his head that if he were to have sex again, it would kill him. There was no reasoning with him. No sex ever again, period. This otherwise blessed relationship ended painfully. Pity that!

Another client, Melissa, discovered long-distance running two years into her marriage to Allen. She became like a woman possessed. Running consumed her. Her career, her friends and family, her social life all suffered. But no one took the brunt of her newfound craze more than her husband. At first sex was out of the question because there was no time. Then all that body-punishing running radically changed her entire metabolism. She even stopped menstruating. Her libido virtually expired. Even the imminent demise of her relationship didn’t alter her running routine. So basically Melissa just ran away from her marriage. Simple as all that!

In your case, Jean, your partner appears to have bought into the some of the worst sex-negative messages of Christianity. I suspect that there’s no turning this around and, unless you wish to continue to sacrifice your sexuality on this unworthy altar, I’d suggest you make peace with the fact that life will never return to how it once was.

And what’s all this about he being the only man who could satisfy you? You’ve had only 4 other partners, for christ sake! And most if not all were crummy lovers, right? Are you the kind of gal that quits shopping for shoes after trying on only 5 pair? I think not!

There is a whole world of men out there that would be happily give you what you aren’t getting at home and some of them may even be good lovers. If no accommodation can be made with your husband about fulfilling your needs than I suggest you beat a hasty exit.

The longer you stay in this unhealthy environment the greater the chance will be that you will become more and more embittered. God gave us the gift of sexuality for a purpose. It was meant to give us pleasure and enhance life. Your sexuality is in danger of becoming just the opposite of what nature intended. Do yourself a favor and choose life and happiness. You’ll be glad you did…so will God.

Good luck

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