Here’s how to tell if a throuple might be right for you

— It’s not the same as an open relationship.

By and

The beautiful thing about non-monogamy is that it can take on many, varied forms: A non-monogamous dynamic can look like one polyamorous person having multiple romantic and sexual partners, or several individuals all in a non-hierarchical relationship together. One term you might’ve heard is ‘throuple,’ or triad, which describes a certain kind of committed relationship structure between three people.

Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship. And while the term might be new to you, there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. ‘It’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time,’ she says.

So, what is a throuple, exactly—and what should you know if you’re interested in being in one? Read on for the full lowdown, according to therapists and social workers who work with polyamorous folks.

What is a throuple relationship?

A throuple, or triad, is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three people. ‘What it means is that each person is in a relationship with another—it’s a three-way relationship,’ says Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York.

Like a couple, or a relationship between two people, the members of a throuple might have a ‘closed’ relationship, or an ‘open’ one. In some cases, ‘one person could be open to dating others, but another person in the triad isn’t,’ Marcantonio adds. ‘It really just depends.’

Different people in different dynamics might have their own definition and rules for the three-way relationship, so if you meet someone in a triad (or you’re about to join one!), it’s always a good idea to clarify what being in a throuple means to them.

What’s the difference between a throuple and other forms of polyamory?

Anything that isn’t a monogamous, exclusive, two-person relationship falls under the non-monogamy umbrella, says Anna Dow, LMFT, a therapist with Vast Love. And there are infinite types of polyamorous relationships, adds Marcantonio: ‘The sky’s the limit.’

Here are a few more polyamory-related words to know:

  • Quad: Four people who are in a committed relationship with each other
  • Polycule: A network of individuals who are all in relationships with each other
  • Kitchen table polyamory: A network of individuals who are in relationships with each other; if someone new is brought into this dynamic, they must generally get along with the rest of the group (think: feel comfortable sitting together at a large kitchen table)
  • Parallel polyamory: When a polyamorous person has multiple partners who don’t really interact with each other (essentially, the opposite of kitchen table polyamory)
  • Polyfidelity: When a throuple, quad, or larger polycule are ‘closed’ and do not see people outside of their group

Why might someone want to be in a throuple?

In some cases, a couple might meet a third person, become interested in them, and decide to bring that person into their relationship, says Spector.

In other instances, someone might know they’d like to join an existing couple, and seek out this kind of relationship dynamic. ‘If someone is oriented towards knowing that they can love more than one person responsibly, and if they feel like they can enter a relationship with an existing couple—and there’s chemistry, and connection between both and everyone agrees that they’d all like to be dating together—wonderful,’ says Marcantonio.

‘Being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust’

Aside from the joy of getting to date two people you like (or love), being in a throuple can help you get all your needs met, adds Spector. Think about it like this: When you have a third person involved, chances are, you’ll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can’t offer each other.

If you feel like you’re fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest. You can say something like: ‘I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?’

What are some tips for being in a healthy throuple?

Just like in any kind of relationship, being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust. ‘It’s the same as a monogamous relationship—the only difference is, it’ll be happening with two other folks,’ says Marcantonio.

However, there are some specific things you’ll want to watch out for, per relationship therapists:

1. Make sure you set ground rules first.

Different triads have different preferences, needs, and boundaries. Some examples of questions you’ll want to discuss, according to Marcantonio: ‘If everyone is open to all having other partners outside the triad, what does cheating look like? Do we all tell each other and have complete transparency when we’re talking to someone on the app, when we’re planning something, when we’ve had sex?’

Aside from discussions about sex and dating outside of the throuple, you’ll want to talk about your own dynamic as a trio, too, adds Spector. Would you prefer to only have sex as a throuple, for example, or is it okay for two people to have sex without the third?

‘It really depends on the triad and how they would like to set up the rules,’ says Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous. ‘It may be that a throuple sits down with each other and actually spends a few hours hammering out what might be relationship agreements.’

2. Continue to communicate.

People’s needs can fluctuate over time. So, continued communication is important, says Marcantonio. Spector recommends setting regular check-in times with your partners—and also checking in on your own needs, too.

3. And be sure you’re communicating *directly*, too.

One of the biggest issues a throuple might face is triangulation, says Marcantonio. ‘Triangulation in a relationship is when there’s one person who avoids directly interacting, usually with the person they have a conflict with,’ she explains. ‘So instead, they use the third person to confide in, to talk to.’

This can inadvertently put one person in the middle, Marcantonio adds. It can happen in friend groups, family dynamics, and—of course—romantic relationships that involve more than two people. So, if you have an issue or frustration with one of your partners, make sure you’re talking to them directly.

4. Get comfortable with any feelings of jealousy that might crop up.

It’s a common misconception that polyamorous folks don’t deal with jealousy. But, in fact, they can and do, says Schneider. It’s a natural human emotion. ‘It does take a lot of self-awareness and reflection to be in a poly relationship, because you will have feelings that come up that you need to sit with,’ Marcantonio adds.

If you find yourself feeling twinges of envy, Marcantonio recommends ‘staying curious’ and digging into the root of the issue. Is this something you can navigate on your own? Is this something you’d like to discuss with your partners? Did something trigger this emotion? These can be tough questions to work through, so if you’re struggling, you might want to check out a resource like The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, which is chock-full of tools and exercises for people in polyamorous ‘ships.

What are some of the myths about throuples?

1. They’re purely sexual relationships.

When some people hear ‘throuple,’ they might hear ‘threesome.’ But this dynamic signifies an emotional, intimate relationship between three people. They go on dates together, have deep conversations together, and confide in one another.

‘It’s not all about sex,’ says Marcantonio. ‘It’s people who really uniquely enjoy having deep, intimate connections that go beyond sex.’

2. You have to have a certain sexuality, or be a certain gender, to be in one.

Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says.

‘Pop culture depicts them as primarily female-female-male threesomes in an imbalanced way that often fetishises the relationship structure,’ adds Dow. ‘In reality, however, throuples are just typical relationships comprised of people of any genders. And like all relationships, each one has its own set of benefits and challenges.’

3. They’re not natural.

News flash: throuples, quads, and other forms of polyamory are nothing new. Marcantonio recommends checking out the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan for further reading on the history of non-monogamous relationships. ‘We were much more communal many, many decades ago,’ she adds.

Ultimately, being in a throuple might not be for everyone—as humans, we all have different needs and preferred relationship structures. ‘Some people are more wired for monogamy, and that’s what they like and want. Others are able to do poly; they might be more wired for that, and that works great,’ Marcantonio says. ‘There’s no one ‘natural’ way to have a relationship.’

Meet the experts: Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. Anna Dow, LMFT, is a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy at Vast Love. Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York. Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Explore Your Sexuality, according to Science

— Some researchers say that the standard definition of sexual orientation is incomplete—and offer a tool for expanding it.

By

Stacy Watnick: The first thing that I do with clients is I tell them that we’re going to go slow—because there are three things that most clients … do not talk about in therapy, and those are religion, politics and sex.

[CLIP: Intro music]

Kate Klein: There’s this, like, whole world underneath people’s clothing that no one talks about.

Sari van Anders: Our science, in some ways…, is…catching up with people’s existences.

Meghan McDonough: I’m Meghan McDonough, and you’re listening to Scientific American’s Science, Quickly. This is part one of a four-part Fascination on the science of pleasure. In this series, we’re asking what we can learn from those with marginalized experiences to get to the bottom of BDSM, find the female orgasm and illuminate asexuality. In this episode, we’ll discuss new ways to question your sexuality, according to science that draws from feminism and queer theory.

But first, let’s get real basic.

Stacy Watnick: Tell me, when I say the word sex or sexuality to you, what comes up?

McDonough: That’s Stacy Watnick, a clinical psychologist based in San Diego, California. She specializes in relationship issues and sexuality. She’s noticed certain patterns in her clients when she asks this question.

Watnick: First, surprise—that there’s such a range of experiences in their body and in their mind about it…. Frequently, I get some shame and discomfort. They’re not sure what words they’re supposed to use: “Are those bad words?”

A little lean forward…. they’re sort of excited and there’s some tension in wanting to tell me—or a little lean back because they’re not sure it’s safe.

McDonough: Stacy asks her clients if they’ve heard of gender and orientation. They talk about the words they know. And then she brings up the zine.

Zine is short for “magazine.” But zines are different from traditional magazines. They tend to be self-published and not typically what you’d find in an academic setting.

This particular zine invites readers on a “journey through the landscape of your sexuality.” The front cover features a drawing of five people on a path leading into the horizon. Each is holding a map labeled “SCT.” SCT stands for sexual configurations theory, a term coined by Sari van Anders, a gender, sex and sexuality researcher at Queen’s University in Ontario.

>Sari van Anders: I was doing some work about multipartnering and things like polyamory…, I was at a conference where there was … a session about asexuality…. And I started thinking about the way these two … identities claimed by different people might come together.

McDonough: Here’s Sari, the creator of this theory. She and her team created the zine as a more accessible offshoot of her 2015 academic paper on the topic.

Van Anders: It was the most exciting piece of work I’ve ever done. I’ve never really done work where it just felt like it had to come out, and it was sort of bubbling out of me.

I think we can maximize our pleasure when we understand what it is that we’re wanting, what the options are, who we are. We can think through some things that we might never have had prompts to do before.

McDonough: Oxford Languages defines sexual orientation as “a person’s identity in relation to the gender or genders to which they are typically attracted.” Sexual configurations theory asks: What if this sort of definition is incomplete?

Sari’s theory basically complicates the idea that sexual orientation is only based on gender. She built it on the existing academic literature and on what people shared about their sexualities.

Van Anders: And it was really important to me to include not just diverse sexualities and genders and people with diverse sexualities and genders but people with marginalized experiences, and so on …

McDonough: Such as people who are LGBTQ+, disabled, into kink or BDSM, asexual or non-monogamous.

Van Anders: Our science, in some ways, is, if anything, sort of, like, catching up with people’s existences…. I think many women know that, like, not all women who are attracted to men, maybe including themselves, that means they’re attracted to, like, penises or that’s the thing only that turns them on. And, and so there’s sort of an assumption that gender/sex sexuality, or what people typically call sexual orientation, is about, like, genital match-ups, like, “I have these genitals, and I’m attracted to people who have those genitals.” But really, like, we rarely see people’s genitals until we’ve already decided we’re attracted to them, right…. Usually there’s so much else going on.

McDonough: Sari uses the term “gender/sex” to mean features that are both socialized and biological and considers it to be just one aspect of sexual orientation.

>Van Anders: You know, it’s not always bodies; there’s also ways of being in the world or clothes, appearance, presentation, the way people talk, how someone treats you. And research on attraction is pretty clear that a lot of other things are rated pretty high up, like kindness or sense of humor or things like that.

McDonough: Sari refers to this as “sexual parameter n”—all the other things that make us attracted to a person.

The way she visualizes these aspects is through cone-shaped diagrams where people can pinpoint their preferences.

Aki Gormezano: As an example, you could think about the tornado for gender/sex sexuality…. So there’s a space on top where there’s a ring going around the outside that SCT calls the binary ring.

McDonough: This is Aki Gormezano, a sexuality researcher who did his Ph.D. with Sari at Queen’s. The ring he’s describing represents what most people know as the sexuality spectrum.

Gormezano: And then there’s a whole space beyond that, falling inside of the binary ring, completing that circle, where you’re not just thinking about women and men, you’re thinking about gender/sex-diverse folks who are occupying spaces outside of that binary ring.

McDonough: This is called the “challenge area.”

Gormezano: That circle I described is on the top, but then it moves all the way down to a point forming what kind of looks like a cone. And there’s a little meter ranging from zero to 100 on the far left of that, and that’s to indicate the strength of your attractions.

McDonough: In lay terms, if gender/sex was an important part of your attraction to people, you’d mark a place higher up on the tornado. If it wasn’t, you’d mark a place farther down. There are also tornadoes for partner number—one, multiple or none—as well as for sexual parametern, representing the other factors Sari mentioned, such as kindness and sense of humor.

Gormezano: Growing up, I was, like, pretty uncritical of my sexuality for the most part… Like I identified as straight by default. And a lot of my attractions, you know, as a cis boy at the time, or, like, now a cis man, were to cis women.

McDonough: In case you don’t know, “cis” here refers to cisgender, when a person’s gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth.

Gormezano: I had a point in high school where I realized … I did have attractions to people who were not cis girls or cis women…. I think I was just, like, confused and upset and didn’t really feel like it was something I could talk about. You know, especially as someone who played sports and was known as an athlete, where that was a big piece of my identity—like, I played soccer all the way through and still do…. I think, for me, the hardest part about realizing that I had interests and attractions that didn’t fit with being straight was that it challenged a lot of my identity around being a man or, like, wanting to be.

McDonough: Aki says that studying sexuality as an adult has helped him see that this isn’t a problem and that sexual orientation, identity and status don’t necessarily line up perfectly. Sexual configurations theory calls this “branched.”

Van Anders: Orientations have to do with, like, attractions, interests, arousals, desire [and] pleasure, and those might be different, or they might be the same. Like, you might really enjoy the thoughts or have fantasies about being with a man. And then when it comes to the actual sex you do, you find people of any gender are really enjoyable…. And status refers to, like, what you’re kind of actually doing, have done or will do…, who you’re actually with, for example.

McDonough: In a 27-country survey conducted by the market research company Ipsos in 2021, for example, 80 percent of self-identified heterosexual people reported that they were only attracted to the opposite sex, and 12 percent of them said they mostly were. Meanwhile 60 percent of self-identified lesbian and gay people said they were only attracted to the same sex, and 24 percent of them said they mostly were. These “branches” of sexuality can all be mapped on separate “tornado” diagrams. If you’re still struggling to picture them, you’re not alone. Between gender/sex, partner number, and other factors—plus identity, orientation and status—it’s a lot. But portraying sexuality as complex is also kind of the point.

McDonough (tape): To what extent do you think sexuality labels are limiting or expanding? If you could imagine your ideal world of how people conceive of sexuality, would everyone have a label?

Gormezano: I think when you just have identities and you just have labels, especially when identities and labels are really narrow…, you might not have the language to articulate the ways in which you don’t perfectly fit with that identity or label…. And I think the more people … who are able to understand the ways in which they might branch from their label or, like, perfectly coincide with it, the more open everyone will be around, you know, just like understanding that, like, around each identity is, like, a collection of people who might vary from that in different kinds of ways.

McDonough: Stacy, the therapist we heard from earlier, commonly meets clients who are working through their sexualities.

McDonough (tape): How do you help them kind of figure that out?

Watnick: We kind of try labels on like clothes…. I’m gonna try this sort of sweater on and see: Does that feel snuggly? Do I feel comfortable? Is there, like, a resonance in my body and in my mind and my heart and my genitals, all over me, that this feels true…? And much like the sweater I put on, I don’t have to wear it all the time…. There’s a very flexible return policy on this kind of content: if they decide they don’t want it; they don’t have to keep it. But we’re trying it on. Let’s see how it feels.

McDonough: Stacy first saw Sari speak at a virtual conference during the pandemic.

Watnick: And my whole brain lit up.

McDonough: The two of them have since formed a working group to bring sexual configurations theory into more clinical settings.

Van Anders: Those of us with marginalized or minoritized or oppressed genders, sexes or sexualities are often not given the tools from science or scholarship to make sense of ourselves. And so this can be helpful in that way. But also people who are majorities…, our culture tells everyone…, you’re just a cisgender man; that’s that; there’s nothing more complex; the complexity is for, you know, the other “complicated,” quote, unquote, people. But our research finds that the majorities actually have a lot of complexity and often have had even less prompt to think about it.

McDonough (tape): I’m wondering if you’ve had any pushback from the scientific community or otherwise?

Van Anders: We get a fair bit of skepticism from academics that what people might call laypeople, just you, people on the street, could actually do SCT diagrams because they are a bit more complex than “What is your attraction…?”…. So we sometimes get people who say, “This is pretty hard” or “I’m kind of confused.” And then we’re like, “Okay, can you describe yourself?” And then we look at the dot, and it matches. So people are actually able to do it anyway.

Van Anders: And we sometimes get pushback, too, from majorities who get, like, a little bit angry, who are like, “Okay, well, here, I can locate myself, but, like, I don’t believe in all these other locations….” You know, they’re usually seeing questions that have heterosexual first if there’s a checklist. And here it’s, like, you know, if you’re interested in women, that’s just one little dot in this whole diagram, and that can be a bit disorienting for people who are used to being with the center.

McDonough: Sari thinks that accounting for this complexity is not only helpful for individuals but also for future scientific research.

Van Anders: People sometimes forget that every measure we use is sort of telling a story about what the world is…. They’re kind of almost like a sieve that you sieve the world through. And depending on what that sieve looks like—whether it’s SCT, whether it’s a one-word question with a checkbox or answer or something—is going to let kind of different kinds of things through…. What is empirical in science is to try to measure the world as it is.

Complete Article HERE!

True romance

— How to keep the love alive when you fight

‘A big blow-out can clear the pipes’

Research has found that couples who argue (and get over it) are more likely to stay together than those who avoid conflict. But how can you argue safely?

By

It wasn’t without a little smugness that I used to tell friends that my partner and I almost never argued. It turns out this isn’t necessarily something to be proud of. “When couples don’t argue ever, and never show their differences to each other, or their strong feelings, they risk getting quite disconnected,” says Joanna Harrison, a couples therapist and the author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have. “They might describe themselves as being on parallel tracks, and they become out of touch with each other.”

When my partner and I do have occasional disagreements, neither of us deals with them well. He is the peacekeeper and often acquiesces, but then feels resentful; I sulk, can nurse a grudge and have been known to produce percentage calculations (I am a dreadful person) to show why he’s wrong about something he says I “always” do. Both of us flinch from real conflict, preferring passive aggression. But Harrison says: “The thing about arguments is that they keep us in touch with our partners.” If, she adds, “we use them productively”.

Psychologists used to think, says Ian Leslie, the author of Conflicted, that clashes in relationships were generally harmful. Instead, when couples are studied over months and years, those who argue (and then get over it) “are the couples who are more likely to stay together, to be happy in the relationship, and to feel that they’ve made progress on whatever problems they have”. Conflict, says Leslie, “is information. In an argument, the veil of civility that we use even with our intimate partners gets ripped away and we say what we really feel. That means we get information on what our partner really cares about, what upsets them, and often that information is new. So now we have a more accurate, updated mental model of our partner and that means we can relate to them better.”

Of course some arguments, says Harrison, “are destructive and dangerous”, particularly those that are hostile and unsafe. And constant bickering over small things can, says Susanna Abse, a couples psychotherapist and the author of Tell Me the Truth About Love, be a sign that something in your relationship “needs attending to, there are feelings around something that have not been repaired, long-term grudges have emerged. Sometimes it’s because you’re competitive – what are you competing about? – rather than a notion of you being on the same side. I think if you find yourself in a relationship that is marked by constant sniping, you need to think: what really is going on here? Because it’s very eroding. The beginnings of contempt, which is very deadening to a relationship, start to creep in.”

But if we’re talking about arguments, however big, between otherwise loving couples, a disagreement can be creative, says Harrison. “It’s two minds trying to find a way of putting differences together and coming up with something new.” A big blow-out can “kind of clear the pipes and enable things that need attention to get some airing”.

Actively avoiding conflict, says Abse, “often stops life progressing, because if you avoid the difficult things, you often don’t make decisions that move you on, such as deciding to move home or have a second child. These things sometimes require conversations that involve differences between a couple. One of the biggest challenges of relationships is how to manage conflict in a healthy and creative way.”

How, then, do we prepare for battle, or rather approach a disagreement in a grownup and productive way? Leslie says we “communicate on two channels at once. There’s the ‘content’ channel – money, who’s taking the bins out – and there’s the ‘relationship’ channel, which is more about whether each party feels they are getting the respect they deserve, or the affection they want.” If you can stay attuned to that channel, “you can have a vigorous argument about the content without walking away feeling hurt or furious. Often when the other person is being difficult or irrational about the content of the argument it’s because of something at that unspoken [relationship] level – perhaps they fear that you’re trying to shame or humiliate them.” Leslie suggests putting some work in to “ameliorate that, by making sure to acknowledge your partner’s hard work or good intentions or whatever – and then get into the contentious issue you need to discuss”.

People find it difficult to be told what to think or feel – when you say “you should …” – so avoid that, says Leslie, who adds that “in tense situations, people are very alert for threats”. Describe the emotional impact of the issue on you. “It means you relax a bit and your partner realises what the emotional stakes are.”

Try not to get into a situation where you are blaming each other, says Abse. Instead, “place things in the middle, between you, as a shared problem, holding on to the idea that you’re a couple and the issues need to be grappled with by you both”.

Saying “you always” or “you never” is unhelpful, says Abse. It can lead to an escalation, which is what you’re trying to avoid. “The more the heat gets in, the less thinking there is,” she says. “You then try and rid yourself of all the bad feelings by pushing them back at your partner.” If the argument escalates, take some time out. “Say: ‘I can’t talk about this right now, because it’s upsetting me too much. I need a bit of space to think about it. Let’s talk about it again later.’ Sometimes it’s best to let things lie for a little bit and return to them,” says Abse.

“Don’t have arguments to win them,” says Harrison. “This is not a court of law.” Don’t bring in every (real or perceived) crime they have committed over the course of your relationship. “That makes the other person panic, and feel defensive.” Try to actually listen, rather than just waiting for them to finish speaking so you can have your say. If their volume is rising, it’s probably because they’re not feeling heard. It’s difficult to remember all this in the heat of the row, Harrison adds. “We’re all only human. Sometimes you’ve got to just have the argument.” Arguments can blow up out of nowhere, but if it’s an issue you know is going to be touchy, Harrison recommends scheduling a discussion. “Don’t put the other one on the spot. Say: ‘Should we go for a walk tomorrow and talk about this?’ So everyone knows that it’s coming.”

Be curious, she says. The row happened because you left a coffee cup somewhere you shouldn’t, but what is that actually about? Go into information-gathering mode. “That is a lot of what we do in therapy – being curious about disagreements and trying to find the deeper layers, because an argument about a coffee cup could be about some fundamental principle going on in the relationship that needs attention.”

The hot topics that often cause arguments – money, jealousies, big life decisions – usually have a resonance beyond the relationship, says Abse, often going back to childhood. “If you’re finding certain topics very difficult, having a bit of space where you think about why it’s so hard for you, together or on your own, is important.”

It is the repair of the relationship after an argument that is vital. “Ruptures followed by repair are strengthening and produce greater resilience in a couple than avoidance,” says Abse. Try whatever works for you both – an apology, a cup of tea, a biscuit. “And when the gesture has been made, really try to reciprocate. You can say: ‘I’m still cross with you’, but accept the hug or the cup of tea.” Refusing a peace offering “is likely to lead to gestures not being made and making it harder to come back from arguments. Sometimes it takes time – if the rupture has been about a big betrayal then you’ve got to make the gesture for longer.”

A lot of people, says Abse, are fearful of having rows – maybe you witnessed your parents arguing and found it frightening. “But sometimes you do have to have big arguments, and sometimes you have to accept that they go on for a while.” An argument may be resolved, but it may be a case of learning to live with your differences, she says. “Or realising: ‘We’re too different and we can’t live with that.’”

Since Leslie wrote his book, he has found himself more likely to engage in arguments with his wife. “Not angry ones,” he adds. He suggests having lots of “good-natured, low-stakes arguments. Then, when the bigger ones come along, you’ll be more prepared to deal with them.” As for me, I’m off to start a row.

Complete Article HERE!

The science of sex

— What happens to our bodies when we’re aroused?

Sex helps with sleep and allows the brain to switch off

It’s good for our mental and physical health, lowering blood pressure and boosting the immune system

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Sex is the most talked-about, joked about, thought-about topic in our culture. Every grown adult is expected to know how to do it, but beyond the basic mechanics we’re not taught about it and fiction is coy. We are not short of information on sexual practices – thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey – but there is a general absence of accurate detail of what happens to our bodies during, and as a result of, the act.

Yet sex is good for our mental and physical health. It lowers the heart rate and blood pressure. It may boost the immune system to protect us against infections and it certainly lowers stress. The NHS even recommends it, in a section tucked away on its website, where few are likely to find it, that advises: “Weekly sex might help fend off illness.”

The consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Leila Frodsham thinks we should be better educated about it. She’s even supporting a project to open a Vagina Museum in Camden, London – after all, there is a Penis Museum in Iceland. More information could make us healthier, happier and save the NHS lot of money, she believes.

“People who have difficulties with sex are much more likely to present with other problems,” says Frodsham. She would like to see more investment in sexual health as preventive medicine.
When hooking up is working out

Sex can be good exercise, although that rather depends on how energetically you go at it. A study in the open-access journal Plos One in 2013 found that healthy young heterosexual couples (wearing the equivalent of a Fitbit) burned about 85 calories during a moderately vigorous session, or 3.6 calories a minute. It’s unlikely to be enough. The NHS says: “Unless you’re having 150 minutes of orgasms a week, try cycling, brisk walking or dancing.”

Tales of men having heart attacks and expiring on the job are much exaggerated. Sex raises the heart rate, which is generally a good thing. A study in the British Medical Journal of 918 men in Wales in 1997 found that sex helped protect men’s health. Men who (admittedly from their own report) had more frequent orgasms had half the risk of dying over the 10 years of the study compared with those who had the least orgasms. As a general rule, if you are able to walk up two flights of stairs without chest pain, you are probably safe to have sex, experts say.

The key to many of the health benefits of sex is the love hormone – oxytocin. Also sometimes called the cuddle hormone, it can even be released when petting your dog. The same hormone causes contractions in childbirth and is in the pessaries given to induce labour. It’s even in sperm. It’s not a myth that sex can help an overdue baby get going. When she was working as an obstetrician, Frodsham says, male partners used to “leave grinning from ear to ear because I’d suggest having sex on all fours to make labour come on”. There’s plenty of oxytocin around when people have sex or even just get friendly. “Any touch releases oxytocin,” says Frodsham. Keeping up physical activity affects libido, she says. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

She doesn’t often see people with intrinsically low libido, she says. “But we do see people who kind of get into a sexual rut and it sort of disappears. I often encourage people to schedule sex. A lot of couples feel that it is not natural and it is forcing things, but sometimes you need to get them to become habitual so they can become spontaneous.”

Sex helps with sleep, and allows the brain to switch off. “If you are having sex, you should be getting into a zone where your brain is not in overdrive,” she says. It’s like mindfulness. “I don’t think there are many people who actually give themselves time to relax any more,” she says.

Prof Kaye Wellings, at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, blames our busy lives for a decline in sexual activity in Britain. Her large recent study of 34,000 men and women, in the British Medical Journal, suggests we are having less sex than we were a decade or more ago. Half of the women and two-thirds of the men told researchers they would prefer to have sex more often. Wellings says the digital age is partly to blame. “We are bombarded with stimuli. I can see that the boundary between the public world and private life is getting weaker. You get home and continue working or continue shopping – everything except for good old-fashioned talking. You don’t feel close when you are on the phone.”

The sexual response, step by step

The best explanation of what actually happens during sex is still credited to two scientists who started work in 1957 – William Masters and Virginia Johnson – although later researchers have criticised parts of their work.

Masters and Johnson worked at Washington University in St Louis, Missouri. Masters convinced Johnson to have sex with him in the interests of research while he was married to someone else. He eventually divorced and they married in 1971, splitting up 20 years later. Together they founded the Masters and Johnson Institute where they carried out their research and trained therapists.

In a book called Human Sexual Response, published in 1966, they described a four-stage cycle in heterosexual sex. First is the excitement or arousal phase in response to kissing, petting or watching erotic movies. A small study by Roy Levin in 2006 found that almost 82% of women said that they were aroused by their nipples being fondled – and so did 52% of men.

Half to three-quarters of women get a sex flush, which can show as pink patches developing on the breasts and spreading around the body. About a quarter of men get it too, starting on the abdomen and spreading to the neck, face and back. Men quickly get an erection but may lose it and regain it during this phase.

Women’s sex organs swell. The clitoris, labia minora and the vagina all enlarge. The muscles around the opening of the vagina grow tighter, the uterus expands and lubricating fluid is produced. The breasts also swell and the nipples get hard.

Masters and Johnson say there is then a plateau phase, which in women is mostly more of the same. In men, muscles that control urine contract to prevent any mixing with semen and those at the base of the penis begin contracting. They may start to secrete some pre-seminal fluid.

The third stage is orgasm, in which the pelvic muscles contract and there is ejaculation. Women also have uterine and vaginal contractions. The sensation is the same whether brought about by clitoral stimulation or penetration.

Frodsham says about a third of women easily have orgasms from penetrative sex, a third sometimes do and a third never do. “I have never seen anything that could be a G-spot,” she says. But the clitoris is much larger than some people assume. “The clitoris actually surrounds the vagina. The protuberance is only 5% of the clitoris.”

Women can quickly orgasm again if stimulated, but men cannot. Last is the resolution phase, when everything returns to normal. Muscles relax and blood pressure drops. But, says Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health at the University of Southampton, “we still don’t understand everything about what happens even though research has been going on since Masters and Johnson’s early lab studies”.

Take the female orgasm, for instance. “Women report so many different sensations. Some women describe orgasm in a much more focal way. Some describe it in a diffuse way with, for instance, a tingling down their legs. Some women describe losing consciousness.”

And then there is the male erection. A healthy man may have three to five erections in a night, each lasting around half an hour. The one many wake up with is the last of the series. The cause is unknown, but there are suggestions of a link with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, when people are most likely to dream. Even in the daylight hours, erections are not necessarily under conscious control. Usually they are associated with sexual arousal, but not always.

There is an assumption that sexual desire and libido are strongest in the young and fade out as we age. But there is plenty of evidence of people wanting sex and having sex at older ages. For women, the menopause can be a real obstacle. The loss of oestrogen leads to vaginal and vulval dryness. Frodsham points out that hormonal treatments, from oestrogen tablets in pessaries delivered locally into the vagina to creams and gels, are safe and effective. But so is having regular sex, she says. It’s like exercising a muscle.

“There is very good evidence, particularly in menopausal women, that the more they have sex, the better their physiology is,” she says.

But she cautions against the current enthusiasm for promoting the health benefits of sex for all ages. “There can be a kind of pressure on older adults who don’t want to. A lot of older adults do, but not everybody. There’s no norm about sexual desire.”

However biologically similar we may have been at birth, the one thing that is certain is that sexual desire and preference – as well as means of achieving satisfaction – differ from one individual to the next. Frodsham, for one, thinks enhanced understanding could boost our mental and physical health. And, she believes, it needs to start early.

“Many schools present sex as something that is going to cause STIs and pregnancy,” she says. They’re missing something important, she adds: “They don’t talk about the very natural reason to want to have sex, which is pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

I Used Sex Therapy Apps for Six Weeks

— And Can Confirm They’re a Relationship Game-Changer

Not to mention they helped me seriously start to unpack my sexual traumas and insecurities.

By

In no particular order, here’s a list of things I’d rather do than talk about sex: accidentally like a photo of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend from two years ago; play six straight hours of baby shower games; drink bath water (yes, even Jacob Elordi’s).

Though I love having sex, actually talking about it with my partner, friends, and even my therapist makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide. According to a 2023 survey from Durex, I’m not the only one: A third of the 2,000 adults surveyed reported that they feel uncomfortable talking about sex with their partners, and a fifth won’t bring up sex at all over the course of their relationships.

If these folks (myself included) get itchy having these conversations with the person who regularly sees them naked, chances are they’re probably not running out to have them with a professional, either—which is where sex therapy apps can help.

My first introduction to sex therapy apps came late one night while I was laying in bed after a not-so-great, highly-anxiety-provoking sexual experience with my long-term partner. It was a sort of a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation that made me realize that if I continued to ignore my sexual trauma—and the hangups that came along with it—it was never going to get better. What started with a few Google searches in the realm of “what is wrong with me” took me down a rabbit hole of resources I didn’t know existed. Fifteen minutes later, I downloaded my first sex therapy app, and was almost in tears as I realized that 1) I wasn’t alone in my experience, and 2) there might actually be a solution.

While most experts will tell you that working with an actual human therapist is the best way to address intimacy issues because they’re able to take a more personal approach, apps are a great plan B, especially if you can’t afford individual therapy. There are a number of different reasons why people find themselves in need of sex therapy—Kate Levine, LMHC, a Brooklyn-based sex therapist, names desire discrepancies, shame or embarrassment around sexual preferences, and trauma as some of the most common—and considering 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men will experience some sort of sexual dysfunction (which includes lack of desire) throughout their lifetime, according to The University of Texas Southwestern, any resource that makes navigating these things more accessible is decidedly a good thing.

“For a lot of folks, talking about sex with another human being can be very overwhelming—especially initially—and it might feel easier to engage with an app, where there’s a level of separation through the screen to allow them to get more comfortable,” says Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP, a sex therapist who specializes in queer, poly, and POC couples. “I think these apps provide a more accessible way to check into or use certain resources at someone’s own pace and time and environment.”

To begin navigating my own issues around sex, I spent six weeks testing out some of the App Store’s most popular offerings. Here’s how it went and what I learned in the process.

Best Overall: Blueheart

Cost: $9.99/month

Pros: Solo and partnered work available, audio and written courses, stories from real couples, guided self-touch sessions, can link up with a partner’s account so you can do the work together.

Cons: Content largely focuses on cisgender sex and sexuality, no free option.

blueheart sex therapy app, blueheart sex therapy articles
BlueheartBlueheart’s helpful articles on sexual desire and arousal. 
blueheart sex therapy app
Blueheart

Blueheart was my first foray into sex apps—I downloaded it the night I realized I couldn’t “fix” my sexual issues on my own and immediately dove in.

The program starts with an assessment, which was built by psychologists and asks questions around five relationship pillars: Connection (i.e. how comfortable you are being yourself around your partner), Teamwork (how well you and your partner work through arguments), Sex and play (whether or not you feel attracted to and sexually fulfilled by your partner), Communication, and Values. From there, the app puts together a personalized program based on your needs.

The results of my assessment reaffirmed that I had significant anxiety around sex, which was impacting my libido levels, and informed me that I could benefit from learning new ways to communicate these things to my partner. The first part of my lesson plan was all about “re-sparking libido,” which consisted of 36 therapist-led audio sessions across five levels. The sessions ranged from five to 20 minutes, and each level included three guided self-touch sessions meant to help me learn how to get out of my head and focus on the pleasurable physical sensations that come with sex—which are more “guided meditation with some light nipple play” than audio erotica.

Level one began with exploring what desire is and how it works; level two was about managing stress and distractions during sex; level three focused on body image and performance anxiety; level four amped up those learnings with lessons on how to better connect to your body; and level five highlighted how to find pleasure. The final lesson, which is meant to be the last one you do on your own, teaches you how to talk about Blueheart with your partner so that you can work together moving forward.

In addition to the personalized lesson plan, Blueheart allows you to opt into other couple-friendly courses like “How To Talk About Money” and “Becoming a Better Team.” There are also a slew of expert-informed articles around body image, arousal, basic sex-ed, and more, plus stories from real couples who have found success with the program.

After spending years feeling like a freak because of my anxiety around sex, what I loved most about this app was how often it reassured me that it was totally normal—exactly what I needed to hear (especially from the soothing British woman’s voice Blueheart uses across its content). Every new session seemed to be building on the work I’d already done, which made me feel like I was making real progress. Additionally, the meditations helped me get in touch with my body, and I found myself coming back to the breathing exercises and sensory scans I learned during intimate experiences. After only two weeks of using Blueheart, I started to feel less stressed about sex, and now that I’ve finished my first full lesson, I’m excited to bring my partner into the fold to continue this work together.

Best for individuals looking to improve sexual function and desire: Rosy

Cost: $9.99/month-$74.99/month

Pros: Backed by licensed therapists and OBGYNs, offers coaching for queer and non-monogamous relationships, daily programs as short as five minutes, community-based conversation boards, live events, two virtual 30-minute coaching sessions a month with premium plan.

Cons: No free option, meant more for individual work than for couples.

rosy sexual therapy app
RosyRosy has a slew of content types to explore, from Religion to Mental Health.
rosy sex therapy app
RosyJust a few of Rosy’s audio erotica options.

Like Blueheart, Rosy’s sexual wellness program also begins with a quiz, but the questions are more related to your sex life over the course of the past month (think:”how often did you feel sexual desire?” and “how often did you reach climax when you had sexual stimulation?”). It also asked questions about birth control, pregnancy, and menopause (because hormones are so closely linked to sexual desire and performance), mental and gynecological health, and sexual trauma. All of this information creates your personalized wellness plan, which typically includes a daily lesson followed by a reflection in your in-app journal.

My journey started with the basics: A video in which two licensed psychotherapists explain in depth what sexual trauma actually is, which helped me better understand how these types of experiences can take different shapes. In addition to the daily tasks, the app also offers a series of “Quickies” videos where experts dive into common sexual concerns, like the orgasm gap and libido changes during menopause. Even better? It’s got an entire library of written and audio erotica (we’re talking hundreds of options), and a community discussion board where you can talk about what you’re going through with others who may be sharing the same experience.

I love how expert-led Rosy feels—certainly the closest to what I imagine IRL sex therapy feels like. The lessons gave me the opportunity to really understand how my sexual trauma was impacting me, as well as the tools I need to start overcoming it.

Best for couples looking to connect: Coral

Cost: $59.99/year

Pros: Designed for couples, one subscription includes two memberships (one for each partner), includes personalized therapy “journeys,” audio pleasure guides, games for couples, and sex tips. Free option offers limited access to some resources.

Cons: Not great for individuals looking to navigate sex and intimacy independently.

coral sex therapy app

coral sex therapy app
CoralCoral’s “Yes to Sex” sexual improv game.

Coral is designed for couples, which means that after a month of testing sex therapy apps on my own, it was time to tell my partner what I’d been up to—which was admittedly a lot less scary than it would have been prior to this experiment.

Like all of the other apps on this list, Coral opens with an assessment—but in this case, the questions focus more on your sex life as a couple rather than an individual. (A few examples, which are meant to be answered by both parties: Who initiates sex more often? Does your desire come on suddenly or gradually? Has your attraction to your partner grown or diminished over time?) Your answers will inform the “journeys” that the app recommends for you, which target your goals around things like communication, confidence, and pleasure within your relationship.

Based on the program’s assessment that my partner and I have different desire types, I got my own journeys, each consisting of both written and audio lessons meant to be worked through on your own. Beyond these structured solo paths, the app also offers a slew of “choose your own adventure”-type programs that you can do alone or with your S.O. There are audio guides for solo and partnered pleasure, games and activities couples can play together to help get in the mood (my personal favorite was “Yes to Sex,” a sexual improv game in which one partner says something like “I’d like to get naked tonight,” and the other keeps the conversation going by adding a “yes and” statement, like, “Yes, and, I’d like to give you a massage with essential oils.”), sex tips and how-to guides, and more.

Thanks to the confidence and comfort I started building using Blueheart and Rosy, I was genuinely excited to start working with my partner on Coral. Though many of the activities started off giggly and silly, they helped us have some real, honest conversations about sex—and for the first time in my life, I faced them head-on instead of sticking my fingers in my ears. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Dare I say it was kinda… fun?

Final Thoughts on Sex Therapy Apps

After six weeks of entrusting my sexual wellbeing to app-based therapy, I walked away with a better understanding of my sexuality and how to properly communicate my needs. It’s hard to pick a favorite among the three apps because each one is so different, but using them helped me realize that there are effective tools available, that I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to spend big money on an IRL sex therapist to work through my struggles—at least not for now.

Caring for your mental health is a highly personal endeavor, which is to say that what worked for me may not work for everyone. But all three of these apps will be staying on my phone—and in my life—for the long haul, because even though I’ve made strides, I’m still a work in progress. And if they can continue to make my sex life, and my attitude around it, even better? That’s well worth the monthly subscription fees, IMO.

Complete Article HERE!

Can You Have a Sex Life After Breast Cancer?

— Experts Say Yes.

With patience and treatment, you and your partner can rekindle your sexual spark.

You may find yourself facing physical changes and emotional challenges, but you can overcome them.

By Abby McCoy, RN

If you’ve recently gone through lifesaving breast cancer treatment, you may be looking forward to better days ahead. But as you try to get back to “normal life,” you might notice a change in your libido.

“Cancer treatment across the board can take a significant toll on the body, and breast cancer is no different,” says Gabriel Cartagena, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Smilow Cancer Hospital at Yale New Haven and an assistant professor at Yale School of Medicine in New Haven, Connecticut.

About 60 to 70 percent of breast cancer survivors report sexuality issues after treatment, according to a study published in 2019 in Breast Cancer, so if you’re having that experience, know that many other women are, too. We asked the experts and have some treatments and tips to help you fire up your sex life after breast cancer.

How Breast Cancer Affects Your Libido

So you can understand how to combat a low libido after breast cancer treatment and take back your sexuality, let’s look at the causes.

Premature Menopause

Several cancer therapies can lead to premature menopause, according to a study published in 2022 in the Journal of Clinical Medicine. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy, for example, can decrease hormone levels in your body and make your menstrual cycle slow down or stop altogether, says Mary Jane Minkin, MD, a codirector of the sexuality, intimacy, and menopause program for cancer survivors at Yale Cancer Center and Smilow Cancer Hospital. For women whose breast cancer is fueled by estrogen, treatment may include medication to block the production of estrogen, or surgical removal of the ovaries. These measures, too, can bring on premature menopause. With menopause symptoms like hot flashes, insomnia, and dry mouth, sex may be the last thing on your mind.

Emotional Distress

A breast cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of emotions. Women diagnosed with breast cancer can be at a higher risk for mental health issues like depression and anxiety, neither of which are conducive to a high libido, according to a study published in 2021.

Vaginal Dryness

When your estrogen takes a nosedive during and after treatment, your vagina can become very dry, says Dr. Minkin. Lack of lubrication in this area can make sex uncomfortable or even painful, according to the American Cancer Society (ACS).

Painful Sex

Painful sex can also arise from pelvic floor dysfunction, which means the muscles in and around your pelvis can be too tight or too loose. That’s according to the research published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine, which also found that women may experience chronic pelvic pain syndrome (unexplained pain in your pelvis) after breast cancer treatment.

Body Changes

If you have had surgery or other body changes during treatment, such as removal or reconstruction of one or both breasts, you may not feel like revealing the new you in a sexual encounter, and new or missing sensations can make it hard to get in the mood. “Many women who have lost breast tissue, particularly if they have lost nipples, may feel [less] sensation in their breasts, and many women find breast stimulation important for sex,” says Minkin.

How to Get Your Groove Back

This list may feel discouraging to read, but you shouldn’t lose hope. “The important thing is that we can help with most of these issues,” says Minkin.

Medications Minkin recommends nonhormonal (estrogen-free) medications to help with symptoms of early menopause. “An over-the-counter herbal product called Ristela can help improve pelvic blood flow and enhance libido,” Minkin says. One meta-analysis published in 2021 found that women who took Ristela and similar products that contain the amino acid L-arginine experienced more sexual arousal, better lubrication, more frequent orgasms, and less discomfort or pain. Many participants reported no side effects at all, but a few experienced an upset stomach, heavier menstrual bleeding, and headache.

“Women can also consult with their providers about using prescription nonhormonal medications called flibanserin (Addyi) or bremelanotide (Vyleesi),” Minkin says. Addyi may be less effective than other options, and can cause fatigue and drowsiness, according to a meta-analysis published in 2022 in Sexual Medicine. Vyleesi, on the other hand, has shown more promise, according to a study published in 2019, with uncommon mild side effects like nausea, flushing, and headaches.

If your low libido stems from feelings of depression or anxiety, medications, often in combination with psychotherapy, are an option you can discuss with your healthcare provider.

Vaginal moisturizers For vaginal dryness, Minkin often suggests over-the-counter nonhormonal vaginal moisturizers, like Replens and Revaree, which are inserted into the vagina with an applicator a few times a week. “[These] work very nicely for many women,” Minkin says.

Toys A vibrator or similar device could be a worthwhile investment. They can boost sensation and increase blood flow to your pelvis, says Minkin, both of which can amplify desire.

Therapy One or more sessions with a counselor can be helpful, says Minkin. Sexual health counselors often use cognitive behavioral techniques to discover the “why” behind your low libido, and help you unlock thought patterns that may be blocking your sexual drive, according to a study published in 2020. Therapy is also an effective treatment for depression and anxiety.

Vaginal hormones Hormone replacement therapy is often used to treat menopause symptoms. But if you’ve had breast cancer, it may increase the risk that it will come back, especially if your cancer is sensitive to hormones. With vaginal hormonal treatments, a cream, tablet, or ring containing low-dose estrogen is placed directly in your vagina to aid lubrication and strengthen the vaginal lining. Because much less estrogen gets into your bloodstream, this option is generally considered safe, according to the North American Menopause Society. Your healthcare provider can help you decide if hormone treatments are right for you.

Get Reacquainted With Your Body

Breast cancer treatment can leave you feeling like you’re living in a stranger’s body. “A stark change like a mastectomy can leave women feeling separated from themselves,” says Dr. Cartagena. But every woman can get to know and accept her new body.

Reintroduce Yourself Gradually

“The process to reknow your body takes time and begins in small steps,” says Cartagena, who suggests a first step could be to get dressed in the morning with the lights on. After a few days or weeks of this, you might try spending 10 seconds observing your body in the mirror.

“Exposing yourself to your body little by little can allow you to gradually grieve what is different and take notice of what is new that is still important to you,” explains Cartagena.

Reframe Your Sexual Desires

Sex after cancer may look different, and mourning lost sensations is very important, says Cartagena. Looking forward, he encourages breast cancer survivors to study what sex means to them by asking questions like, “What feels good now?”

“If penetrative sex still evokes pain, a patient can explore foreplay, different forms of stimulation, or other forms of intimacy to induce different, fulfilling sensations,” says Cartegena. Sex doesn’t have to mean one thing — it can be whatever you need or want it to be.

Complete Article HERE!

Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

Complete Article HERE!

A Bird Sighting Just Reaffirmed That Nature Is Queer

— The half-male half-female Green Honeycreeper joins the ranks of genderqueer lionesses, the “Leaping Lesbian Lizard,” and other “drag queens in the sky.”

By Ananya Singh

Hamish Spencer, zoologist and Distinguished Professor at the University of Otago, was on holiday in Colombia when ornithologist John Murillo drew his attention to a striking bird at a bird-feeding station in a nature reserve. Save for a few feathers here and there, this Green Honeycreeper seemed to be neatly divided down its middle with brilliant blue plumage – resembling males of the species – on its right side, and green plumage – observed in females – on its left. The two watched this bird between the end of 2021 and mid-2023, observing its behavior in relation to other members of its species. As their report notes, this bird is only the second example of “bilateral gynandromorphism” in this species – a trait where animals present with both male and female characteristics in species that usually have distinct sexes.

This “extremely rare,” half-male and half-female bird soon made headlines. After all, it was the first record of this phenomenon in this species in over a 100 years. But this sighting also reiterated what some scientists have long been pointing to – that our understanding of sex as a biological binary of male and female may, in fact, be a simplistic reduction of a far more complex reality.

“Many birdwatchers could go their whole lives and not see a bilateral gynandromorph in any species of bird,” Spencer said in a statement. While considered rare, this trait has previously been observed in spiders, bees, butterflies, lizards, and stick insects among others. Scientists have also found these seemingly gender binary-defying individuals in other bird species, such as the northern cardinal (a non-binary icon, according to X) and the rose-breasted grosbeak. The northern cardinal even inspired Pattie Gonia, an environmental drag activist, to create a look based on it. “We see queerness and gender queerness demonstrated in birds like the [chimera] cardinal so vividly… Birds are drag queens in the sky,” Gonia told Audobon Magazine.

In its most simplistic form, sex in humans seems to hinge upon the presence or absence of the Y chromosome, which determines the reproductive organs one possesses. Sex, according to this understanding, casts individuals as either male or female and is one of the foundational pillars upon which our society has been constructed – prescribing roles, granting opportunities, and determining whose rights are championed and whose sidelined. But several scientists have pointed out that sex as a binary is false. Arthur Arnold, a biologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, told Scientific American in 2018, “The main problem with a strong dichotomy is that there are intermediate cases that push the limits and ask us to figure out exactly where the dividing line is between males and females… And that’s often a very difficult problem, because sex can be defined a number of ways.” That is, sex in humans (as in animals) is far more complex.

Agustín Fuentes, a professor of anthropology at Princeton University, pointed to emerging research data that shows how binary explanations of human sex “are either wholly incorrect or substantially incomplete.” Biology has been wielded as a tool to exclude queer people. Fuentes writes, “Given what we know about biology across animals and in humans, efforts to represent human sex as binary based solely on what gametes one produces are not about biology but are about trying to restrict who counts as a full human in society.”

Look to the natural world and countless examples emerge to challenge the fallacies around sex, gender and sexuality. These examples call into question what humans have long considered “natural.” It is an idea inherent in the field of queer ecology that draws upon the ecofeminist movement and expands it beyond binary thinking, instead championing a more fluid and diverse understanding of the world, and our relationship with it. Nature, as countless species show, is queer.

Take the clownfish, for instance. They live in groups where only two – the dominant male and female are mates. When the female dies, the male changes its sex to become female before selecting the next male from the group to become its mate. Male bearded dragons, meanwhile, reverse their sex under warm temperatures to become female while still within the egg. Banana slugs are “simultaneous hermaphrodites” – they possess and use both their male and female reproductive organs to mate with a partner or even themselves. In Botswana, five gender-queer lionesses alarmed scientists when they grew a mane and developed male-like behaviors, including a deeper roar and mounting other females. Then there is the New Mexico lizard, which is a species that entirely comprises females. They mate, lay eggs and reproduce like others. According to scientists, this is a form of asexual reproduction known as parthenogenesis. Just like the “non-binary” cardinal, this lizard – also referred to as “Leaping Lesbian Lizard,” also became a queer icon, inspiring not only art, but even a Pokémon and the name of a college frisbee team.

A key way in which nature challenges the heterosexual ideal is through the sheer prevalence of same-sex behavior. Homosexuality, reports say, has been documented in 1500 species – from dolphins and giraffes to penguins and starfish. It’s ironic when viewed historically, where the supposed absence of homosexuality in animals has been used time and again to fuel homophobia and deem homosexuality a “crime against nature” itself. The emperor penguin, for instance, was lauded by American conservatives as upholding traditional family values after a film depicted them in monogamous relationships. Penguins, however, may be socially monogamous, but aren’t so sexually, Eliot Schrefer, author of “Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality,” wrote in The Washington Post. Some may even be bisexual, Schrefer noted. Just last year, a pair of male penguins successfully fostered an egg at the Rosamund Gifford Zoo in New York, while in 2019, another pair of male penguins at the Berlin zoo co-parented an abandoned egg after having attempted to hatch stones and even a dead fish.

Same-sex behavior across species also challenges the prevailing notion that sex in the natural world only occurs for the goal of reproduction. Instead, there are many reasons for same-sex behavior – from building social bonds and resolving conflict to simply gaining pleasure. Recently, a lot more research has emerged on same-sex relationships in nature, perhaps due to changing gender norms. In the past, observations of same-sex behavior had scientists either decrying it as “depravity” or avoiding publishing findings, due to their own biases or to prevent disapproval from the scientific community, noted Schrefer.

As Ingrid Bååth wrote in Climate Culture, “Not only does our understanding of nature become the baseline for what we believe to be natural, but also what we believe to be moral or good behaviour… We interpret nature based on our inherent biases and use our biased understanding of nature to defend and justify those societal biases we have.”

These biases stem from predominantly Western notions of gender and sexuality that have been imposed upon the human and nonhuman worlds, Willow Defebaugh noted in Atmos. It creates dualities of “opposing” categories – pitting humans against nature, man against woman – separating one from the other in a power hierarchy. “Binary thinking, in any form, is rooted in a Western colonial view of the world in which one must always be subjugated by the other,” Katy Constantinides wrote for Climate Policy Lab.

A queer ecological framework, on the other hand, shows us that there is no one way to be masculine or feminine and that these categories may not exist in nature as we know it. It positions humans as a part of nature rather than distinct from it, leveling the power dynamics from an extractive to a community-oriented one. Nature is fluid, queer, and resists categorization as per human cultural perceptions and biases. As queer ecologists point out, acknowledging that may be the first step to repairing our relationship with the natural – as well as human – world.

Complete Article HERE!

Many survivors aren’t sure what to do after a sexual assault

– Here’s what you need to know

By

Millions of people have experienced sexual violence and abuse in England and Wales, but many do not know where to go, or who to turn to afterwards. Shame felt by victims and survivors of sexual violence can be reinforced by the responses of family members and others.

This means many find it difficult to get help, sometimes carrying the burden of abuse for years. As one survivor I spoke to put it: “My parents didn’t want to know when I spoke to them about it. I grew up in the age of where everything was hidden. So, I kept this totally from everybody until 2021.” Perpetrators count on survivors of abuse not being heard.

I’ve been researching the work of Sexual Assault Referral Centres (Sarcs) in England, and speaking to survivors who have used their services. The narratives people share are upsetting, but give me hope – there is a strong network of Sarcs and other sexual violence and abuse services providing support to people across England, whether people choose to involve the police or not.

Getting help as soon as possible is important for any injuries and to reduce risks of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

A person may prioritise contacting the police, especially if there is ongoing risk of harm to them or a third party. The police will check safety and refer victims and survivors to support agencies like Sarcs. A survivor can opt to provide a witness statement at the appropriate time.

The first Sarc opened in 1986. Today there are over 50 across England and Wales. Sarcs can be a first point of care for any survivor, no matter their age, gender or how long it has been since the abuse occurred. They can be reached 24/7, and offer crisis support, first aid, pregnancy and STI testing, emergency contraception, forensic care and referrals to other services like independent sexual violence advisers.

What happens when you seek help after sexual assault

Sarcs offer the choice to have a forensic medical examination to collect evidence, which may be useful if the case goes to court. These samples, which include swabs of where physical contact took place, must usually be taken within a few days. Acting quickly gives the greatest chance of securing forensic evidence.

These exams were once undertaken in busy emergency departments and police stations, but Sarcs provide dedicated private spaces and a supportive environment. One survivor I interviewed referred to their experience as “a remarkably positive experience, considering the circumstances. I was impressed by [the forensic practitioner’s] professionalism and her knowledge, she was supportive in terms of me being a victim.”

Unless there are overriding safeguarding concerns, survivors have a choice about whether or not to involve the police. The staff at a Sarc can help a person decide the best course of action for their situation. This could include storing samples for reporting in the future, and anonymous reporting.

A circle of people sitting in chairs in a support group, focus is on one young woman with peers comforting her
Sarcs help survivors access other services like counselling and support for domestic abuse.

Sarcs are not the same as Rape Crisis centres, which are run by the voluntary sector. Rape Crisis England and Wales provides a 24/7 helpline, with around 40 centres offering outreach, advocacy, pre-trial therapy, peer support and counselling. Many also provide specialist advocates who can help survivors navigate the justice system.

Rape Crisis is struggling to keep up with the high demand for its services, in response to record numbers of survivors coming forward for help. A backlog of cases in the courts due to the pandemic, delayed trials and lack of resources in the judicial system, means there are now nearly 10,000 cases waiting, each taking an average of two years to be heard. This places further pressure on voluntary sector services to support people for longer.

What do survivors say about Sarcs?

Through our research, my colleagues and I have spoken to hundreds of survivors between the ages of 18 and 75 about their experiences of Sarcs. We have found that these services are safe and effective, with around 1% of participants feeling they had been adversely affected by the care they received.

On joining our research (around 100 days after contacting the Sarc), 70% of participants had symptoms consistent with PTSD. After one year and contact with many different services, this had fallen to 55%. As one man shared: “I feel that the support I’ve had … has given me a better outlook on life.”

People said they felt safe, believed and understood at Sarcs, and they received accurate and accessible information. Traditionally, the voluntary sector has been the benchmark for survivor-centred, trauma-informed care. But participants in our research rated Sarc care at least as positively as support from the voluntary sector. These results are heartening.

But there is still work to be done to ensure people understand their options after sexual violence. Only around one in 10 eligible people ever access a Sarc’s services. In particular, survivors from ethnic minorities, those experiencing concurrent domestic abuse and those with mental health problems struggle to access help.

Giving survivors choices and control over decisions is crucial in the aftermath of sexual violence. Aside from Sarcs, survivors can talk to a health professional like their GP, sexual health or antenatal care provider, or get in touch with Rape Crisis or The Survivors Trust. No one should have to carry the burden of sexual violence and abuse alone.

Complete Article HERE!

A guy’s guide to sexual health

— What every man should know

Most people know the fundamental sportsmanship rule: hitting below the belt is illegal. The groin is highly sensitive, and a strike here can cause severe injury. While a man’s sexuality is off-limits for low blows, that doesn’t mean it’s off-limits for discussion with your doctor.

Too bad most men don’t see it that way.

Stats About Guys and Sexual Health

It’s not that men aren’t concerned about sexual health. In a 2023 survey, the Cleveland Clinic reported:

• 44% of men are worried about erectile dysfunction.
•39% of men are worried about loss of sex drive.
•36% of men are worried about low testosterone.

But of men surveyed, while 37% reported having experienced issues related to sexual health, only two in five sought professional help.

So, guys, let’s have a frank discussion about your most common sexual health concerns.

Talking About ED

What is it?
Erectile dysfunction is the inability to get or maintain an erection firm enough to have sex. Many men think ED only occurs in older men, but ED is not exclusive to getting older. There are men in their 40s and 50s who experience ED and men in their 70s, 80s, and 90s with great sex lives.

What are the symptoms?
Failure to reach or sustain an erection more than half of the time, at any age, may indicate a condition that needs treatment. Other symptoms may include decreased sexual desire and less rigid erections.

Who is at risk?
ED has a wide range of causes, from vascular issues and nervous system issues to hormone or psychological issues. Chronic health conditions, which about 1 in 4 guys face in the U.S., also impact erectile function. These include diabetes, heart disease and hypertension, obesity, high cholesterol, and smoking. Many medications that treat these conditions have side effects that contribute to ED. Bottom line: ED is a complex, common medical condition and not one to treat lightly or feel self-conscious about.

What is the most common myth about ED?
That taking testosterone supplements will cure ED. Low testosterone may or may not be what is affecting your erections. Taking supplements with a normal testosterone level will not result in better erections and may cause side effects if not taken appropriately.

What treatments for ED are you most excited about?
Low-intensity shock wave lithotripsy and platelet-rich plasma (PRP) therapy injections. There are also new oral therapies in clinical trials. ED is very treatable. It all comes down to which treatment is right for your lifestyle.

Talking About Low-T

What is it?
Testosterone deficiency syndrome or Low-T means that a man’s body is not making enough testosterone, the primary male sex hormone that regulates fertility, muscle mass, fat distribution, and red blood cell production.

What are the symptoms?
Reduced sex drive, reduced erectile function, loss of body hair (including facial hair), loss of lean muscle mass, feeling tired all the time, obesity, and symptoms of depression are the specific symptoms most directly linked to Low-T.

Who is at risk?
Data suggests that about 2.1% of men (2 in every 100) may have clinically Low-T, which is a low blood testosterone level of less than 300 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL). It is more common in men over the age of 80, who have diabetes, or who are overweight. Don’t just assume you have Low-T and start popping pills. Talk to your doctor.

What is one of the most common misconceptions about Low-T?
That it’s a normal part of aging, and nothing can be done about it. If you have clinically Low-T, it is essential to treat it. Testosterone is not just for sexual health. It aids in bone, cardiac, mental, and psychological health. Anyone whose testosterone is in the low-normal range may also benefit from treatment, but a physician should manage it.

What treatment for Low-T are you most excited about?
Bio T Pellets because they quickly get testosterone into the normal and high normal range for men.

Talking About Peyronie’s Disease

What is it?
Peyronie’s disease is a condition by which a small scar forms in the lining of the penis resulting in penile curvature, loss of penile strength, indentation, or pain.

What are the symptoms?
During the first 12 months of developing Peyronie’s disease, you may experience pain with erections, curvature of the penis, penile shortening, an abnormal shape to the penis, or a lump in the penis.

Many men are worried that Peyronie’s disease will cause issues with getting and maintaining erections. While there is some association between penile plaque and restriction of blood flow in the penis, this is not always the case.

Who is at risk?
Peyronie’s disease typically forms from microscopic trauma that occurs during intercourse. The trauma leads to inflammation and then a penile scar or lump. It is most common in men over the age of 40.

What is the most common misconception about Peyronie’s
That it is a rare condition. It can feel very isolating, since many men don’t talk about it or seek care because they find it embarrassing. In reality, it’s estimated that 6-10% of adult men have Peyronie’s disease.

What treatments for Peyronie’s disease are you most excited about?
Introducing injectable collagenase into penile plaques has dramatically broadened the options for safe and effective office-based treatment of Peyronie’s. Surgery remains highly effective at correcting the curvature for more severe or bidirectional (S-shaped) curvatures.

The Physical/Mental/Sexual Health Connection

Men, your physical, mental, and sexual health are closely related. Changes in sexual health may indicate underlying medical conditions. Sexual health affects your quality of life and mental health.

A urologist can provide many management options, including observation, medication, injections, surgery, and more. Sexual health is a crucial component of overall health, so if you’re experiencing any issues, it’s time to consider seeking help from a physician.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Talking About Sex is So Awkward

— Sex is everywhere, but talking about is still so taboo. Here’s how to begin to change that.

By Sabrina Winter

Gianna Bacio makes a living doing something most people are uncomfortable with: talking about sex. And she’s been doing it day in, day out for the past 13 years, especially on Instagram and TikTok.

Today, great TV shows like Sex Education have begun demystifying the topic, but we’re still very far from comfortable and positive discussions about what we like in bed. We asked Bacio why that is and what we can do about it.

VICE: Hey Gianna. When was the first time you talked about sex?
Gianna Bacio:
I was 4 years old. I was sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car, playing with Barbie and Ken, when Barbie said, “Ken, let’s fuck!” That’s how my family still tells the story to this day.

People hate talking about sex, but for you, it seems fun.
I’ve always enjoyed it. I remember an evening with my friends, I was maybe 19 or 20, where we met up with plans to go out later. I just threw the question out there: “What do you do with the sperm after having sex?”

Some friends found it totally gross and shut it down, but I thought it was an important question. I wanted to share my experiences and learn from others. Maybe I was just oversharing.

Why do people get so embarrassed?
Shame is a crucial part of embarrassment. The ability to feel shame is innate, but it’s only later that it really kicks in with socialization. When children hear, “Yuck,” “That’s gross,” or “Stop that,” they become insecure. Talking about personal preferences is considered shameful in our culture, just as opening your mouth in public is shameful in Japan, for example.

Does shame have any positive connotations?
Well, if we look at evolution, yes. For humans, group survival was crucial and bodily responses like blushing signal: “This is uncomfortable for me.” Today, it’s become unnecessary in many situations, though.

So shame gets in the way of good sex. But it’s only part of the explanation, right?
Yes, during sex, we are usually naked. This vulnerability should not be underestimated when talking about sex. We make ourselves vulnerable, we reveal something about ourselves. Plus, sex has long been considered forbidden and dirty. And that’s even more the case with female pleasure – we’ve only begun openly talking about it in the past few decades.

Why is that?
We haven’t come very far in terms of gender equality. While there has been a revolution on women’s rights, the Church – which has had a huge influence in Europe for many centuries – made sex and masturbation taboo. Today, few people are religious, but we still don’t learn to talk about sex.

Who should teach us? Parents? Teachers? The internet?
Parents, of course, are role models. People often ask me: When is the right time for sex education? I think there doesn’t need to be a big moment. If you talk about sex openly, you’ll notice when a child develops their curiosity. Then they’ll ask questions, and you can answer them.

You have a young son. What questions does he ask?
My son is almost 5 and is very curious. He sees many books at home dealing with the body. Recently, at the library, he held up a book about bodies and said, “Look Mom, you like these kinds of books.” Of course, he knows what I do for work and asks many questions.

What should schools teach about sex?
I was recently in a classroom and could feel the embarrassment. It manifested as a lot of giggling. But it was even worse in the teachers’ lounge, there was even more giggling.

The problem is, in school, you only learn how to protect yourself – whether from pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. The joyful, positive aspects of sex are rarely discussed.

In one of your Instagram posts, you wrote that good sex can be learned. How?
There’s this assumption you should just be able to have sex, that it’s innate. Either it works, or it doesn’t. Some believe they just need the perfect partner. That’s mostly nonsense.

I believe that if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can have good sex or a good relationship with anyone. You have to educate yourself, experiment, communicate, and figure out what pleases you.

How do you start doing that?
You have to get over yourself, of course. One strategy is to dive into the deep end. For example, you can say to your partner: “Hey, let’s sit down tomorrow at 6PM and talk about sex.” This involves revealing intimate details, stating your own needs, and discussing preferences.

How do you even find out about your preferences?
That’s not easy. Our attention and thoughts often focus on the other person and what they like. It can be worth asking yourself: Where do I want to be touched? What makes sex good to me? Opening up isn’t easy. People often message me about it.

What kinds of messages do you receive?
Sometimes women write to me that they’ve been faking an orgasm for years. They ask me: “How can I now say it was never real?”

What do you advise them?
Well, either they live with the lie or they overcome this hurdle. Often, I sense a desire for change in these messages. But you have to do something about it. It’s probably awkward to talk about sex for the first time. But I promise: It gets easier over time. 

What helped you?
Repetition. And therapy.

Therapy isn’t always accessible, nor is jumping into the deep end. What else can you do to talk more about sex?
Perhaps with a game. Then, there’s an external entity raising questions and stimulating reflection.

Are these topics harder for men or women?
Often for men.

Why?
This sounds like a stereotype, but unfortunately, men talk less and are less open. When they do talk about sex, it’s more about performance. They don’t frequently ask themselves what they would like.

Not talking about sex is bad, but having sex without your partner’s consent is worse. How can we communicate more clearly about that?
Here we are again with the question: What do I like, and what do I want? It helps to listen to your gut feeling. When we don’t want something, we notice it, and we should trust ourselves. If we don’t, we also harm our self-esteem and confidence because we betray ourselves.

Complete Article HERE!

If You’re Only Interested In Hooking Up, Here’s How To Say So

— Because you’d rather head to the bedroom, not down the aisle.

By Elyssa Goodman

When it comes to dating, honesty and communication are considered the two biggest tools in creating and maintaining a successful relationship. And relationships, as we know, come in all different flavors. Casual sex is of course one of them.

So why is it that when the relationship doesn’t necessarily appear to be headed down the aisle, and instead just toward the bedroom, sometimes people can freak out? Well, sex is delicate and personal for a lot of people, and it’s important to tread thoughtfully when you’re seeking something casual.

If you’re honest and directly ask a girl for sex, you might turn her off — or worse, offend her. But if you lie and put on a big show with dinner dates and flowers, then completely drop the other person after you hook up, you run the risk of hurting them.

So what’s a good way of telling someone, “I’m not looking for anything serious, just a sexual relationship,” without being offensive? How do you ask a girl for sex without being creepy? How do you tell a guy you just want casual sex? It all comes back to communication: how and what you say, and when you say it, matters. We spoke to Miss Couple, Bedroom and Sexual Empowerment Coach, to learn about developing more casual relationships. Here are a few ways to get to the point without resorting to trickery.

Understand What Kind Of Casual Sex You Want

“Something casual” can mean a lot of different things to different people, so make sure not only that your potential bedmate knows what you mean, but that you know what you mean. “Casual dating is often but not always non-exclusive, however it does not automatically imply non-monogamy — many polyamorous people have both casual and more emotionally attached partners,” Couple says. “Typically, casual dating is a connection that you pursue for fun, not commitment. Relationship labels like ‘partner’ or ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ are absent from these dynamics.” You can also casually date someone without having sex with them. “Relationships are all about the art of giving and receiving,” Couple says, and this includes casual sex.

So when you want to know how to ask a girl to hook up or ask a guy to hook up, you need to pinpoint your own desires first. This involves asking yourself some questions. “What are you willing to give and what do you want to receive?” Couple asks. “Do you feel that the dynamic that you’re setting up is fair and balanced?”

You should also know why you’re seeking casual sex. If it’s for fun and pleasure, great! If it’s to heal yourself in some way, it’s better to take a step back. “If you are having casual sex because you are trying to get rid of some negative emotions, or you are wanting to feel some positive emotion, it probably won’t turn out good for you,” wrote Dr. Ryan Anderson in Psychology Today.

“I think that if you’re interested in a casual relationship, you should be upfront about that as soon as possible,” Couple says. “Casual dating means different things to different people, so getting very clear about what your needs, desires, and boundaries are is imperative.”

Couple details how you can figure these out for yourself in three steps. The first, she says, is determining what you need emotionally. “Emotional needs such as affection, acceptance, autonomy, empathy, trust, prioritization…etc. are really important to consider and clarify for yourself,” she says. “What are you truly looking for? What bar does someone have to reach in order for you to feel emotionally cared for and satisfied?”

Next, understand your desires — “What things would make the dynamic more enjoyable for you, but aren’t deal breakers?” she asks — as well as your boundaries. “What boundaries do you want to set? In addition to personal boundaries about your body and personal space, boundaries around friends, family, and especially social media are very important in casual dynamics.”

Talk Frankly About Casual Sex

When you know what you need, a discussion is necessary. To do this, Couple says, “Use ‘I’ statements to communicate what you’re looking for, and ask the other person if what you’re describing is a dynamic they might be interested in participating in.” Be clear, and know that they might say no. “If someone says no to a casual sexual dynamic, it’s probably because they’re looking for a more serious commitment or they feel like it will be too painful for them to engage in a sexual dynamic without that type of commitment,” Couple says. “Respect their boundary and wish them the best on their search for a more committed relationship!”

Fear of rejection is natural. Who wants to get shot down? But the reality is, there are going to be people who aren’t going to be down for what you’re offering. It sucks, but eventually there will be someone out there who wants what you want.

And If You’re Being Asked For Casual Sex…

An important part of this dynamic to note is when you’re the person being approached for casual sex. If this is not something that you want, simply say no. You’ll save both yourself and the asker a lot of trouble and drama. “I think the biggest mistake that people make with casual sexual dynamics is agreeing to them even though they want something more serious, thinking the other party will eventually come around,” Couple says. “This is manipulative and unfair. If you want something that the other person isn’t offering, then the dynamic isn’t for you.” And it’s OK to walk away and find something you do want.

Complete Article HERE!

How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article HERE!