If your sex life has taken a hit recently, trying this 20-second trick could help boost physical intimacy.
As many parents will know, your sex life can change quite dramatically after you have kids. Between sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones and leaky or sensitive boobs thanks to breastfeeding, you’re likely feeling as though you’ve gone off sex. And even when your baby gets older, busy family life means being physically intimate with your partner might remain low down on your list of priorities.
So, if you feel like you need to spice up your relationship, then you’re not alone. But trying something new in the bedroom like tantric sex isn’t the only way to do this -there are much simpler things you can do to improve your sex life.
Appearing on a recent episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast, doctors John and Julie Gottman – who have been married for 36 years and spent decades studying relationships – shared a few small things couples can do to improve their relationship. But there was one habit in particular that makes a difference to sex life.
Citing research published in the book The Normal Bar, Dr John said, “There are really about a dozen things that people do and have a great sex life – saying, ‘I love you’ every day and meaning it is one of them, giving compliments, romantic gifts, having a lot of touch, and cuddling.”
And it turns out cuddling is key, as he went on to say, “Of the people who don’t cuddle, only four per cent of them said they had a great sex life. Ninety six per cent of the non-cuddlers had an awful sex life. So touch is very important – even physical touch and affection in public was a big thing.”
So, if you feel like your sex life has been neglected recently, try to take some time to cuddle, and you might notice the difference. Dr John Gottman recommended that twenty seconds is the optimal length of time for a hug, because this releases oxytocin, which makes you feel safe and connected psychologically.
This was found by a study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, in which almost 200 people (who were partners in couples that were living together) were given the very stressful task of public speaking. But before the task, half the group had the benefit of a 20-second hug from their partner, while the other half just rested quietly on their own. Both men and women in the hugging group showed lower stress levels.
Feeling safe and calm with your partner is key to improving sex life, particularly for women, as Dr John explained in the podcast. Speaking to host and entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, he said: “Men don’t need to feel safe to feel sexual, women do. Women need to feel psychologically safe and that means emotional connection – it also means there can’t be a long to-do list of things that they have to get done.”
This might explain why you rarely feel in the mood for sex after having kids – because chances are your to-do list feels neverending. But as well as that 20-second hug, communicating your needs and explaining the mental load to your partner could help you feel more physically connected again.
We have yet another reason to feel sorry for straight women — and another reason to celebrate the joy of lesbianism. According to a new study, lesbians are much better at getting their partners to orgasm than straight men (but really, we already figured as much).
The first phase asked 476 lesbian and heterosexual women about their most recent sexual experience. Lesbian women reported orgasming 20% more than straight women.
The second phase of the study focused on bisexual women, asking them to imagine sex with both men and women and reporting how likely they think they’d be to orgasm in each scenario on a scale of one to seven. Imagining sex with women yielded an average score of 5.86, compared to only 4.88 for hypothetical sex with men.
There was some common ground for all the women in the study, though: no matter their own sexuality or their partner’s gender, clitoral stimulation was the key to reaching orgasm.
Kate Dickman, one of the study’s lead authors, offered some advice for those struggling to climax (or struggling to get their partner there). “If women, or men partnered with women, want to increase their own or their partners’ orgasm, they should create an environment that encourages orgasm pursuit through diverse sex acts, particularly those involving clitoral stimulation,” she wrote.
To that end, the researchers discovered a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: when they were having sex with other women, the study participants thought they had a greater chance to orgasm, and because they were expecting it, it was more likely to happen. In other words, expecting to orgasm means you’re more likely to, and so far, lesbians have been better at setting high expectations.
“The problem is not inherent to men or to being heterosexual, but to the dominant sexual scripts associated with heterosexual sex,” explained Grace Wetzel, another of the study’s authors. “Sexual scripts are flexible and can be changed.”
Basically, straight men need to take a page from the lesbian book and give straight women the foreplay and attention they deserve.
If you live in New York, it’s very possible you’ve recently found yourself chatting with a co-worker, or listening to the table next to you at a restaurant, and heard some variation of “They just opened up, and they’re so much happier.” Or “My partner’s partner truly sucks.” Ethical non-monogamy isn’t new (The Ethical Slut, the polyamorous bible, came out in 1997), and it isn’t exactly mainstream, but it isn’t so fringe either (or reserved for those who live in the Bay Area). A curious person might be tempted to download Feeld or let their partner know over salmon they’re ready to let in a third. But though people don’t talk about it in hushed tones anymore — Riverdale just ended with Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica in a quad, after all — it isn’t such a simple thing to do well. There are a million things that can go awry, from the small and awkward (oversharing about a date) to the enormous and life-imploding (ending an otherwise fine relationship). The poly-curious among you likely have questions about the day-to-day operations — how do you tell your kids about it? Where do you find people to date? What if your partner gets way more matches than you do? What if their new partner is way hotter than you? To that end, we’ve created an exceedingly in-depth guide. We talked to nearly 40 people — some who’ve had open relationships for decades, others who only recently opened things up — to figure out how to capably, or at least less messily, date non-monogamously.
Is There Only One Way to Do It?
There are many, and choosing which one suits you depends on a lot of factors: Are you currently in a relationship? If you are, do you want other relationships to take equal priority? Do you want to fall in love with other people or just have sex with them? A non-exhaustive taxonomy.
Open Relationship: In a strictly technical sense, this is when you and your partner can have sexual, but not romantic, relationships with other people.
Swinging: A couple who have sex or dates with other people as a duo.
Hierarchical polyamory: When you and your partner can have relationships — romantic or sexual — with other people but have agreed to remain each other’s primary partner. You might pursue these relationships as a couple or separately.
Nonhierarchical polyamory: There are no primary partners in this scenario — everyone is on an equal footing.
Solo-poly: A single person pursuing multiple intimate or sexual relationships while trying to avoid riding the Relationship Escalator. This means you’re not particularly interested in, say, sharing a home or bank account with any one person.
Wait, What Is a ‘Metamour’?
Becoming non-monogamous doesn’t mean you have to join a ten-person polycule or memorize ‘The Ethical Slut.’ Still, there are terms that many non-monogamous people will use while discussing their arrangements, and it’ll make things easier to familiarize yourself with at least a few.
Comet partner: A romantic or sexual partner who might live far away or appears in your life only occasionally. When around, you pick up your tryst, but there are no obligations to one another between these meeting points.
Compersion: The pleasure you derive from your partner enjoying romantic or sexual happiness or success with a person who isn’t you. The opposite of jealousy.
Kitchen-table polyamory: A style in which everybody in a polyamorous network — primary partners, tertiary partners, metamours — is encouraged to form close and friendly relationships with one another (without necessarily being romantically involved) to the point where they can all sit down and have dinner without its being weird.
Metamour: Your partner’s other partners whom you are not also dating.
Monogamish: Often attributed to relationship columnist Dan Savage, this arrangement is at the halfway point of monogamous and open: You and your partner are exclusively committed to each other but allowed purely physical encounters on the side. Think of Cameron and Daphne from White Lotus, season two.
New-relationship energy (NRE): The all-consuming, chemistry-altering high that accompanies the early period of being romantically involved with a new person. NRE, and the chance to experience it many times, is cited as one of the biggest perks of polyamory, but it’s also one of the biggest sources of anxiety when a partner is experiencing it with someone else.
Nesting partners: The partner(s) with whom you live. Not necessarily a primary partner.
One-penis policy (OPP): Probably the most-hated concept in the world of ethical non-monogamy; this is often when a cis straight man only allows his female partner to sleep with another person who doesn’t have a penis.
Polysaturated: When you’ve reached maximum capacity on partners and/or time.
Primary partners: For people who practice hierarchical non-monogamy, this is the relationship that comes above all others in terms of time, commitment, loyalty — sometimes the person you share a home, finances, or children with. If you have a primary partner, you might refer to your other partners as secondary or tertiary.
Relationship escalator: This refers to the way in which monogamous people, by default, “level up” their romantic relationships: how they go from dating to becoming exclusive to living together to getting married to merging finances to having children. A process that many non-monogamous people want to avoid or at least question.
Vee structure: A three-person arrangement in which one person acts as the “hinge,” or point of connection, while the other two don’t have a romantic or physical relationship with one another.
Veto Power: If you’re in a primary partnership, you may grant each other the ability to call for a change in each other’s outside relationships — whether they’re spending too much time with a person or you simply object to them dating that person as a whole. A controversial concept within the poly world.
How Do I Broach This With My Partner?
There are so many ways this conversation could go wrong. So we asked three couples who handled it well — and one who might have handled it better — to tell us how they first proposed it.
Julia told Matt she had a crush.
Julia: After we had our child, I went through a few years of lacking sexual interest. It got to the point where it felt like I might never be interested in having sex again and that would be fine. That began to change in May 2022. I started having a crush on someone. I didn’t know if I was even going to tell Matt, but I didn’t want to repress this part of myself. And I didn’t want to cheat on him. Eventually, I told him about this crush, how I was feeling different and vibrant. I said, “I’m feeling more open about my sexuality and more interested in exploring it.” He said, “Are you asking to open the marriage?”
Matt: We talked and cried for hours. But I knew it made no sense to hold her back. I was like, I’m not going to get in your fucking way.
Julia: It was still an unresolved idea, and we sat with it for a week. I never wanted to push it, I wanted to wait for him to be the one to suggest it. Eventually, he said, “I don’t want to hold you back from being yourself.”
Misty reminded Ari of an old conversation.
Ages: 29 and 29 Open for: 3 years
Misty: The conversation happened after Ari came out as nonbinary. I brought up these conversations we had had in college about having threesomes. I used to say, “I would only do it if it was two guys. I’m not gay.” He’d say: “I’d do it if it were two girls. I’m not gay.” So at the time we thought, Okay, well, then we’re never going to do this.
Ari: You had just come out as pansexual. You said, “Maybe we can talk about what it would look like for me to start exploring that part of my sexuality.” I was shocked at my own response because in the past I’ve been very territorial and heavily monogamous. But I was like, “Yeah, let’s start talking about it.”
Misty: You had the moral high ground of, “Oh, my wife is coming out to me. This is me honoring someone’s queerness.” Literally a few months later, at my birthday party, there was a girl there we were really into, and the threesome happened. The next day, we were like, “Wow, that was fun. Should we download Feeld?” I do think the first conversation was deceptively easy.
Steven and Andrew talked about flirting.
Ages: 45 and 39 Open for: 7 years
>Steven: Andrew can tell me every single day that I look great, that I look sexy. And of course I want to hear those things, but there’s a difference between your husband telling you that and someone you’re not married to saying it.
Andrew: Every year, we’d go to this Christmas party. It was lots of gay men on Broadway. They were all beautiful, and it was a party full of flirting. I remember one time asking Steven afterward, “How do you feel about me flirting with other people?” Because I felt the same way Steven did — a beautiful man at that party can make me feel sexy in a way that my husband can’t. So we discussed those feelings and talked about how we both thought it was healthy. That was a gateway for us.
Eva gave Tomas an ultimatum.
Ages: 30 and 30 Open for: 8 years
Tomas: I was in Europe, she was in the U.S., and she wasn’t happy with the relationship. We got to a stage where she said, “Either we open it up or we have to break up.”
Eva: I obviously know now that in the literature there’s this idea of non-monogamy by coercion, and that isn’t great. But it was challenging to do long distance. Also, Tomas was my first serious relationship, and I had this fear that I would settle too early. I wanted to date other people.
Tomas: It was not something I ever considered. I always saw myself in a monogamous relationship and married with kids and all that. But we talked about it over a few months, which helped.
Eva: At the beginning, he thought I was trying to find a way to replace him. Over time, when he realized that wasn’t happening, he was more fine with it.
Should We Come Up With Some Rules?
When couples start being non-monogamous, there are, in general, two kinds of rules they tend to set. The first is about the structure of the arrangement. Are you seeing new people as a duo, or is it okay to pursue an outside relationship on your own? Are you remaining each other’s primary partners, or are you eliminating the hierarchy entirely? Breaking these kinds of rules can feel like a violation or at least require serious negotiation. A few years ago, Alice and her husband opened their marriage. They knew they wanted to date together and had started seeing another couple but hadn’t set firm rules. One day, the four of them were together at a food festival in Brooklyn. “I had to go off somewhere, and the other husband had to go off somewhere. So my husband and the woman were left at this food festival and ended up going back to our apartment together and then slept together,” she says. “We hadn’t clearly said, ‘No, that’s not allowed.’ It was murky. But I felt really betrayed and devastated, which I think is hard for people outside of the lifestyle to understand.”
The second kind of rules are of the more tactical, logistics-y variety. Keep your wedding ring on always, for example, or no sleepovers at home, or no more than two dates with other people per week. Nearly every couple we spoke to said that these types of rules are more like training wheels: important to set up and follow in the beginning to make everyone feel safe but likely to fall off as people get more comfortable. Brittany and Roy gave each other curfews, which they stuck to in the beginning, until needing to be home at a certain time started to make them feel constrained and they realized they didn’t really care. It became a specific request for specific circumstances, like if one of them was sick. Blake and Paula had the “no sex in the shared bed” rule for a while, “but at a certain point I was like, ‘I personally don’t care anymore whether you have sex with someone else in our bed,’” says Paula. “This does not seem important to me. ‘Go forth and let’s see how it feels.’ And then you did it and I did it. And we were both like, ‘Oh, this is fine. We don’t care.’” Some non-monogamous people are skeptical of rules in general. “I think a path for success for an open couple is to be able to be very present, treat every moment as if it’s unique,” says Robert. His partner, Olivia, adds, “If you had a set of rules, it would almost feel very strict, like monogamy.”
Where Do I Meet People?
Unless you live in Brooklyn or San Francisco (and even if you do), chances are you’re meeting people on the apps. Many default to Feeld, the non-monogamy and kink-friendly dating app, but you could do just as well somewhere like Hinge, matching only with others who label themselves non-monogamous. If you and your partner are dating separately, you might consider acting as each other’s wingman. After Toni opened her marriage, she found that she was having trouble meeting women. “I joined several apps, and nothing was really happening for me,” she says. Her husband, Tom, started matching with people he could potentially set her up with on Feeld. To one woman, Clarissa, he wrote, ‘Hey, my wife would love to speak with you separately without me, are you okay if I connect you?” then put Clarissa and Toni in a group chat. The two of them dated for a few months.
Does My Wife Want to Hear About My Night?
Some couples who date separately follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy — this can work well for those who like a little secrecy or just don’t want to talk about everything. But more often, couples like to share at least some details about how their respective love lives are going. Some ways to make those conversations less fraught.
Don’t debrief immediately.
“When we get home from a date with somebody else, that’s not the time to talk about it,” says Ethan, who opened his marriage three years ago. In that moment, he says, the most important thing is to reassure your partner: “Hey, I came home to you, and I want to be with you.” He adds, “Then, after some time has gone by, you can say, ‘How did the date go?’ It’s easier the second day.”
And don’t go into every detail.
Even if you and your partner want to be transparent with each other, it doesn’t necessitate giving a play-by-play. For one thing, too much information could send your partner into a spiral of anxiety or insecurity. Plus it’s not always the most considerate to the partners who aren’t in the room. “It feels a little bad to talk about every little thing you did with somebody, especially if they don’t have the ability to tell their own story,” says Blake, who has been partnered for ten years and poly for seven. “It’s just bad manners.”
But do consider sharing breakthroughs.
The one exception to Blake and his wife Paula’s rule is when they have a sexual first. “The first time I fisted someone, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Blake,’” Paula says. Another time, Blake called her with news. “I was like, ‘I fucked a guy in the butt,’” Blake says. “We celebrated.”
And findings.
“There’s one guy that I was with, and it was just a fabulous experience,” says Emily, who is married to Ethan. “I told him I couldn’t squirt. He said, ‘I am telling you, you can,’ and at the end of a four-hour session with him, I squirted for the first time.” Upon hearing about this, Ethan felt insecure. “But then I said, ‘Okay, what did he do? Let me learn,’” he says. “Now I think we need to send him Christmas cards.”
Should We Sleep With Them on the First Date?
If you’re a couple on a date with another couple, there are things to consider that you don’t have to think about as a single on a date with another single. “We’ve been a lot of couples’ first dates after they’ve opened up their relationship,” says Amelia, who frequently dates other couples with her husband, Chris. Below, the two share some advice.
Amelia: We’ve been together eight years, and it’s exciting to see that charming first-date persona anew in your partner.
Chris: But we often notice that other couples seem unsure of what they want out of the situation. We will say, “What are you guys hoping for?” And they’ll say, “We never really talked about it.” So we’re often putting the brakes on. People will want to go out for drinks, then go back to their place, and it’s like, “No, it would be better if you guys went home, processed your feelings, and then let us know if you’re both interested.” A red flag is when one partner seems overly excited and the other is pulling back. And sometimes two people just clearly want different things. So we try to really communicate — like, we’ll say, “Hey, are you in this pile of eight people because you want to be, or are you in it because you feel like you need to be?”
Amelia: When dating together, we have pretty good game: We’ll tee each other up to be charming. But sometimes we just have more of a connection with only one of the people in the couple: Our current girlfriend and boyfriend both started out as part of other couples. Things didn’t work out with the other partner, but we kept seeing them.
Am I Being Nice Enough to My Boyfriend’s Girlfriend?
If you’re not in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, you may find yourself getting to know your partner’s partners, otherwise known as your metamours.
Don’t think of them as rivals.
When it comes to her husband’s girlfriends, Ali goes out of her way to avoid acting territorial. “I’m not in competition with these women. It’s not like, I’m more important because I am his wife. I am here to make sure that their needs are being met as well as mine,” she says. In the past, she’s given her phone number to new people her husband is dating in case they’re feeling unsure about him and want to talk. She’ll also intervene to make sure her husband is being a good boyfriend. “He has a girlfriend that he’s been with for two years,” she says. “I know the relationship is important, so sometimes I’ll facilitate. I’ll ask, ‘Have you FaceTimed or seen Daphne lately?’”
It’s okay to say, “Hey, this is our thing.”
Alejandra recently went on a trip upstate with Diego (her primary partner), Ivy (Diego’s partner), and Nathan (Ivy’s partner). It was the first vacation the group had taken together, and Alejandra pulled her metamour, Ivy, aside. “In bed, I refer to Diego a lot as ‘Daddy,’ and the one thing that I asked Ivy not to do in front of me on this trip was call him that because that might make me uncomfortable,” Alejandra said. “Ivy was like, ‘Oh, that’s totally fine. I’ve never called him that in my life.’ I was like, ‘Great.’”
But also, it’s not all on you.
A lot of the responsibility lies with the hinge, or mutual partner, in making sure nobody feels neglected. “When you are the middle person, you need to make sure that you’re giving equal amounts of attention to those two people,” Alejandra says. “It can be mental gymnastics: Okay, I held this person’s hand. So I have to hold this person’s hand. Oh, I gave this person a kiss. Oh, fuck, I want to make sure that everyone feels loved.” On their trip upstate, Diego, the hinge, was openly affectionate with Ivy in front of Alejandra, but later, when Alejandra began feeling insecure, he reassured her. Alejandra describes the situation: “I’m like, I’ve gained about 20 pounds, so I do not feel super-comfortable in my skin, and Ivy’s gorgeous. As soon as I felt that, I just started talking about it in front of everyone, and Diego told me some nice things, that I’m superhot and fuckable, and that’s what I needed. He did a great job. I would love to go on a little trip with them all again.”
But if your metamour is giving you a genuinely bad feeling, don’t ignore it.
Ali recalls a former metamour who grew angry after she and her husband tried to set boundaries. “She told him she had HPV, which is not a scary thing to most people, but I have a family history of cancer,” Ali says. “I said that certain sex acts are off the table, and she ended up exploding on him on his birthday while he was with his family, just keeping him on the phone for hours and hours.” The relationship ended on its own, but if it hadn’t, Ali would’ve intervened. “The language would have been, ‘I noticed so-and-so is treating you in this way, and I feel like you deserve better.’”
How Much Time Does This All Take?
You might be thinking at this point, I have a job, and a partner, and friends, and hobbies. How in the world am I going to make time for dating, and then talking about dating, on top of all of that? Some non-monogamous couples keep shared Google calendars or reserve one night a week for each other. Julia, who is in an open marriage with her husband, Matt, breaks down how they manage their week-to-week and what she’s had to give up to make room.
Matt and I have an agreement about how much time we can spend with another person weekly. Spending a whole evening out once a week, either Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, is totally fine; usually, it’s after we have dinner with our young child, so from 7 p.m. till 1 a.m. And then we’re okay with each other sleeping over somewhere else once every two weeks.
Right now, I feel at capacity with one secondary partner and my husband. If my one secondary partner were way more casual, then maybe I could date two people. In order to keep my nuclear family my priority, the amount of time I put toward this other relationship has a maximum. I’d guess it takes up, or keeps me away from Matt, eight to 12 hours a week, depending on if I stay over at my partner’s or not.
I think I’ve ended up sacrificing my more introverted hobbies. So I’ve done less reading. The gardening and yard work and just a lot of home-improvement stuff I let go to the wayside. I’ve done less crafts. I think Matt has too. I know he’s put aside house projects because he needs time to go on dates. He used to do a lot more woodworking.
Some poly people prefer not to tell every single person in their lives — it simply seems unnecessary, or they don’t feel like explaining or receiving judgment. Others find it more challenging, logistically and emotionally, to keep it private. (What if someone spots you out and thinks you’re cheating? Or you need to tell work you’re leaving early to pick up your partner’s child?) Writer Molly Roden Winter explains how she navigated talking to her children about her and her husband’s open marriage.
My husband and I never planned to tell our children about our open marriage. But seven years after we took our first fumbling steps toward non-monogamy, I got off a plane to find a series of text messages from my then-13-year-old son, Daniel. “Mom,” he wrote, “are you and Dad in an open marriage?” My husband, Stewart, had left his OKCupid profile open on his laptop, and Daniel had seen it.
I found a spot against the wall of the Houston airport to call him. When Daniel picked up, I began by telling him how happy his father and I were, how we were always honest with each other. But Daniel’s main question surprised me. “I get that Dad has time for it,” he asked. “But when do you do it?” This question brought me relief: Like many mothers with a full-time job, I’d worried that I wasn’t spending enough time with my children, and using precious nonworking hours to go on dates made me feel particularly guilty. Here was proof that, in Daniel’s mind at least, I was around so often he couldn’t fathom my managing to be anywhere else.
Daniel, the eldest of my two boys, had always been eminently reasonable. As an infant, he cried only when he needed something, and in elementary school, Daniel’s teachers often commented on his extraordinary comfort level with adults and his ability to mediate conflicts among his peers. With him, I had always leaned toward honesty: I’d told him about my limited drug use as a teenager, my fraught relationships with eating and body image, and my family’s history of mental illness. But speaking to my son about my sex life felt far more difficult. “I don’t do it very often,” I lied.
Daniel seemed satisfied, but over the next few weeks, once I returned to Brooklyn, he was consumed with curiosity about my whereabouts. “Where are you going?” he asked. “Are you really going to see a friend? Are you sure you’re going to the gym?” Stewart, meanwhile, continued to come and go as he pleased. “Why doesn’t Daniel ask where you’re going?” I asked Stewart one night. “Why doesn’t anyone seem to care if fathers have sex, but every mother is supposed to be the goddamn Virgin Mary?” Stewart offered to speak to Daniel, who afterward apologized to me. “I’m sorry I’ve been asking where you’re going all the time,” he said. “I know it’s private.”
“It’s okay, honey,” I answered. “It’s just that I don’t think you actually want to know if I’m on a date. And sometimes I really am just going out with friends or to the gym.” Daniel nodded. He’d try not to ask, he said, “but if I do, can you just lie if you have a date?” He seemed to agree: My dishonesty was also in his best interest.
While Daniel had always been compliant and even-tempered, his younger brother, Nate, had a penchant for emotional extremes. At the end of our phone call in the Houston airport, I’d asked Daniel to put away his father’s laptop; while he may have been mature enough to handle the truth, I hoped to keep our open marriage hidden from his younger brother as long as possible. But four years after Daniel called me in Houston, I was in my bedroom when I heard a scream from downstairs. Nate burst in with Stewart’s old iPhone in his hand. “Mom!” he shouted. “Dad’s cheating on you!” He had found pictures of Stew with his girlfriend.
Rather than asking questions stoically and matter-of-factly, as Daniel had when he first discovered Stewart’s dating profile, Nate’s eyes were wide, his breathing rapid. “Are you getting a divorce?” he asked. No, I said. He asked me who the woman was. “You don’t need to know who,” I said. “The important thing is I know who she is, and Dad isn’t cheating on me. Cheating means you lie, and Dad and I always tell each other the truth.”
There I was, standing on the same line between boundaries and honesty, exactly where I’d stood with Daniel four years earlier. Yet what I’d learned from Daniel was only halfway applicable. While Daniel was a classic introvert — often cutting discussions short in order to process his feelings alone — Nate was more like me, an extrovert who preferred to talk through complex emotions. Tell Nate too much, and he’d be anxious. Tell him too little, and he’d fill in details with his own worst fears. I checked my mind and my gut for signs of the old shame, but it registered only as a weak flicker. Calmly, I told Nate that his father and I had an open marriage. “Should we FaceTime Dad at his office?” I asked. While Stewart and I had spoken to Daniel separately when he first found out, I’d come to understand the importance of presenting a united front. Stewart and I proceeded to tell Nate our beliefs about open marriage — our commitment to each other, the emphasis on honest communication, the affirmation of each other as our life partners of choice. There was one question Nate came back to over and over again. “Just promise me you guys still really love each other,” he said.
In the months after, additional questions arose. “Are you sleeping with my orthodontist?” he asked. “No,” I responded. “Non-monogamy doesn’t mean you sleep with everyone. And I would never get involved with someone you know.”
“Cool,” he said, relieved. Then, a few days later: “Do you and Dad still like having sex with each other?” I said “yes,” to which Nate replied, “Okay, okay. Don’t say anything more!” Over time, Nate’s questions became less frequent. Stewart and I had always been affectionate with each other in front of the kids, but now I often saw Nate peeking around corners when Stew and I hugged, or jumping between us happily when we held hands on weekend outings or family vacations. And if Stewart and I fought in front of the kids, we tried to make sure they bore witness to our reconciliation as well.
Daniel, who is now an adult, recently confessed that back when he was 13, he’d been more upset about the open marriage than he’d let on. Like Nate, he’d equated open marriage with infidelity, fearing that any arrangement outside the conventions of monogamy was verboten. Would his parents stay together? Would the foundation of our family crumble beneath his feet? “It’s okay, though, Mom,” he said, registering my panic. “I’m fine with it now.” What helped, he said, was that nothing actually did change: My and Stewart’s marriage remained strong. Plus, he said, he grew up. It is tempting to believe that the choices we parents make are helping to shape our kids into confident, secure adults, but our children, ultimately, will become who they will become — maybe thanks to us, maybe in spite of us, and maybe a little bit of both.
And What About My Co-workers?
Katie Coyne, the environmental officer for the city of Austin, suggests being casual about it.
I’m married, and we’ve been poly for about two years. I have a public-facing job. It’s really important for me to feel like I’m not hiding anything about myself or hiding people who are important to me. I have it sort of worked out now. With people I’m closer with, I’ll just slide it in casually. For instance, when I was dating someone who has kids, I was going to soccer games and doing some part-time co-parenting. So at a happy hour with my staff, when someone asked what I was doing over the weekend, I said, “I’m going to my partner’s kid’s soccer game.” He was like, “Oh, I didn’t know you and your wife had kids.” I said, “Oh, we don’t. It’s my partner; I’m polyamorous.” The only person I was afraid to tell was my boss because he’s pretty religious. But the day after another partner and I broke up, we had an all-day executive-team coaching retreat. At the end of the day we were going to happy hour, and I said to him, “Hey, most of the rest of the executive team knows this about me, but I wanted to tell you that I am upset because my girlfriend and I broke up last night. I’m polyamorous.” He didn’t know how to react, but he’s adapted. A few months ago, I even took a date to a fundraiser. One of the organizers was like, “Oh, is this your partner?” And I said “No, actually, we’re on a date!” And my boss was like, “Great to meet you.” Everyone’s kind of rolling with it.
What Can Go Wrong?
More people means more interpersonal dynamics — double or triple the giddiness, maybe, but also double or triple the jealousy, anxiety, abandonment, and painful breakups.
The hierarchy might shift.
For the first five years of our open relationship, Eva and I were each other’s primary relationship. Any outside relationships never got super-serious. I was under the impression that that would always be the case. Then, two years ago, Eva met this other person and they fell in love. She started spending more nights at his house, and the relationship developed to a stage where Eva was very emotionally involved. Now her other boyfriend and I are on an equal footing in terms of the importance in the relationship. We celebrated her birthday together this year. — Tomas
You might become a third wheel.
One time, we met a girl who showed interest primarily in Ethan but said she was also interested in me. We had her over for drinks, and when things carried into the bedroom, it was clear that the focus was really him. It was our first threesome. At one point, we were talking about what we all wanted. So I said to Ethan, “What do you want? I want you to have what you want.” And he said he wanted to fuck the other girl. Then they went off to do their thing and I wasn’t involved. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I left the house. —Emily
Your partner might date someone who wants you gone.
The first time that Blake fell in love with someone else, it felt clear to me that she hoped that she would win him over and that he would leave me for her. When I met her in person, it didn’t feel to me like, Oh, she’s not ready to meet me. It felt like, She’s bummed about me. She was sad. She did not want me in the picture. Since then, I’ve met other women Blake has been in love with and it’s been great. And I’m able to look back and say, “The vibes were really off.” —Paula
They might realize they’d rather be monogamous.
We met on OKCupid and had both set ourselves as non-monogamous. We’d both just gotten out of eight-year relationships. She and her ex had decided to be non-monogamous to try to save their relationship. Over the course of ours, she basically figured out a poly relationship was not really what she wanted. I was encouraging her to date. I thought over time she’d become more comfortable. But she didn’t. She’d get really anxious and have a lot of fear and jealousy when I was trying to date. She’d say, “Hey, please don’t do this. I’m not ready for it.” There was this sense that I was somehow hurting her, and she felt like she was cheating on me when she went on dates with other people. I felt constricted. And then there was the fact that we kind of wanted different things — like, she wanted to have a child very soon. Over time, once we realized this feeling wasn’t going away, we started talking about ending the relationship. We’d do this thing sometimes where we’d lie around and scroll through OKCupid and try to find people for each other. She came across this one guy’s profile one day, and I was like, “Oh my God, you have to, like, go out with him. He’s just like me except better for you than I am.” And she did, and she ended up married to him, and they had children soon after. —Nikhil
You might tire of your secondary status.
I was dating somebody — I’ll call him Michael. And he was in a primary relationship with Michelle.
At the time, they were making a lot of space for loving other people and inviting those lovers or boyfriends into their home and on vacations with them. I was their secondary. I was very connected to them, and I very much fell in love with Michael. Michael very much fell in love with me. I was supporting Michael while he prepared to propose to Michelle. But then I went through a really rough period. I needed more emotional support than he could give me. I was impulsive and broke up with him. I knew Michelle was consoling him for many months afterward. A few years later, Michelle reached out to me. She’d asked seven of his lovers and former lovers to come surprise him for his birthday. We tied him up and throttled him in complete silence. So it was ultimately a happy ending. —Sonya
They might leave you behind.
Seven years ago, I met this woman. I was mostly monogamous and single. She was very up front that she had a boyfriend and they were open. We started dating, and for those two years, I wasn’t dating multiple people — I just was dating her, and she really just wanted one female companion and him. The beginning of the end was when her and her boyfriend’s relationship started to become codified in traditions. He proposed to her, and it threw me. It made the balance beam that I was on feel uneven and one-sided. He invited me to the wedding, but she was like, “Uh, no.” She said she didn’t want to have to explain to her family who I was at the wedding. It felt like she chose him over me, like, “You’re not fully included.” I think I saw her one more time after the wedding, but it was just awkward. —M.J.
You two might drift apart.
A few years after my husband and I opened our marriage, I met this woman. We fell in love really, really fast. One morning, after she slept over, my husband said, “Seeing you this excited about someone else really freaks me out.” But I’d seen him happy with people over the years we’d been open, so he let me give it a shot. Eventually, he even suggested she move in. Now, I live in very separate worlds with them in the same house. He’s a very tidy person. She loves to play music, cook, be messy. He’s reserved; she loves to give attention. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. We love each other, but our connectedness just doesn’t run as deep as mine and hers. —Caroline
Or it might just break your relationship.
>My partner and I started dating in college, and we stayed together after. She was always interested in alternative relationship modalities, and over the years she brought it up a couple of times. I’d be like, “Okay, that’s interesting. Let me think about it.” Eventually, when we moved cities, I was like, “Why don’t we give this a shot?” In the beginning, it felt really fun. Then she got more serious with someone and it became more difficult to talk about with each other. She was never anything but transparent about the facts. I would ask her what she was doing one day, and she’d say, “Oh, I’m seeing this person.” At one point, they started taking trips together, so I knew they were getting more serious.
I felt upset and wondered if I should be doing something similar. I started looking around more on Hinge and found somebody I had amazing chemistry with. Eventually, my feelings toward her and hers toward me grew so strong that I was like, I have to make a decision. It’s gotten out of hand, emotionally. The main relationship was suffering. Neither of us was putting the same attention into that that we were into the other relationships.
I ended up breaking things off with my partner. The conversation was consuming. I feel like I’ve never been so focused on something. I walked around the city for days and days thinking, What should I do? At one point, she asked, “Well, would you change your mind if I ended things with the other person?” I said, “Honestly, I don’t know. The cat’s kind of out of the bag.” And she said, “Well, honestly, I don’t know whether I’d be able to do it and hurt the other person in this way.” I don’t know if we’d have stayed together if we’d stayed closed. Or if it would have been the right decision to stay together. —Lucas
All names have been changed at the request of the subjects.
Sexual performance anxiety is a form of performance anxiety that causes intense fear or worry before or during sex. Many people feel nervous before having sex. However, if you feel so anxious about sexual expectations or body image that you can’t perform sexually, you may have sexual performance anxiety.1
Sexual performance anxiety can affect anyone, but it is more common in people in males. Eventually, sex-related anxiety can make it impossible to have sex with your partner and may eventually strain your relationship. Sexual performance anxiety can also lead to other sexual disorders, like erectile dysfunction.1
Fortunately, there are a few ways to address and get past sexual performance anxiety.
Like other forms of performance anxiety, sexual performance anxiety can affect you mentally and physically. People with sexual performance anxiety are so overwhelmed by sex-related worries, negative thoughts, or fears that they have trouble engaging in sexual activity. These negative thoughts or fears may happen before or during sex.1
As a result, you may be unable to maintain an erection, climax, or ejaculate. You can completely lose your desire to have sex. You may also experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like increased heart rate, upset stomach, and shaking.2
Sexual performance anxiety symptoms commonly found in males include:2
People can have different fears, experiences, and worries that can affect sexual performance. Potential causes of sexual performance anxiety include:13
Feeling worried about your partner’s sexual expectations or satisfaction
Feeling concerned about how masculine or feminine you come across during sex
Lacking self-esteem or having a negative body image
Being physically or emotionally unattracted to your partner
Feeling anxious about past negative sexual experiences
How exactly do stressful and anxious thoughts affect sexual performance? When you become stressed or anxious, your body kicks off its stress response by producing more of the stress hormone cortisol. When cortisol levels rise, levels of the sex hormone testosterone drop—decreasing your sex drive, or libido. In males, low testosterone is also linked to erectile dysfunction.4
People with substance use disorders, anxiety, and depression may also experience sexual dysfunction and disinterest that can lead to sexual performance anxiety. Medications used to treat anxiety and depression can also negatively affect libido and sexual performance.5
Lack of sex due to sexual performance anxiety can harm romantic relationships. Studies show couples who engage in higher rates of sexual activity build greater intimacy and have a lower divorce rate.6<
Being unable to have sex or enjoy sex can make partners feel less connected and intimate. As a result, your partner may feel like you are avoiding intimacy because you do not desire or care for them. People with sexual performance anxiety may also start to feel cautious of their partners, which disrupts trust and intimacy.3<
Identifying your triggers and finding ways to destress can often help you learn how to manage the negative thoughts and feelings affecting your sex life. Coping strategies include:2
Yoga to help manage stress and improve the mind-body relationship as it relates to sex, which can also help manage premature ejaculation8
Masturbating to learn more about what you enjoy and feel during sex
Seeing a sex therapist to identify thoughts or feelings that lead to sexual performance anxiety.
Talking with your partner can also help you cope with sexual performance anxiety. Open communication can help partners better understand your feelings and struggles related to sex. Your partner may also offer valuable insight into the false, preconceived thoughts that prevent you from performing sexually—like your body image or performance concerns.2<
Accepting sex isn’t perfect or spending more time focusing on foreplay can also help improve intimacy. Other ways you can help build intimacy without sex include:9
Cuddling
Kissing
Hugging
Holding hands
Spending quality time together
Reach out to a healthcare provider if your anxieties around sexual performance and dysfunction are affecting your relationships and quality of life. They can refer you to a licensed sex therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist for therapy services. You may also be able to contact these mental health professionals directly.
Some symptoms of sexual performance anxiety may also point to an underlying sexual dysfunction disorder.1 If you’re unable to perform sexually for a few months, see a healthcare provider to make sure you don’t have an underlying condition.
Sexual dysfunction symptoms that warrant a visit to your primary care provider, urologist, gynecologist, or OB-GYN include:1011
Premature ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation
Erectile dysfunction
Reduced or no interest in sex
Vaginal dryness
Pain during sex
Inability to orgasm
Sexual performance anxiety treatment often depends on the cause, and research on the overall success of these treatments is limited. However, treatment typically involves a combination of therapy and medication.2
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Talking out your feelings with a therapist is a common approach to treating sexual performance anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common talk therapy used to treat performance anxiety.12
CBT helps people learn to reframe negative thoughts around sex that make it difficult or impossible to perform. This helps build awareness of triggers while learning to actively dismantle and redirect them.2
Mindfulness sex therapy can also help people with sexual performance anxiety learn to understand their bodily sensations and become aware of how they react to sex. This type of therapy often incorporates CBT practices.2
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy helps people with sexual performance anxiety communicate their feelings with their partner and explore feelings that may affect sexual performance. This therapy focuses on the couple as a whole, not just the partner with sexual performance anxiety.2
This approach can help remove shame, fear, and miscommunication between couples. Couples therapy helps create an open dialogue related to sources of emotional distress or negativity while creating active solutions to solve them.2
Medication
Erective dysfunction medications like Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) may help males with sexual performance anxiety who are unable to maintain an erection. These medications increase blood flow to the penis to help keep an erection.13
Limited research shows anxiety medications like BuSpar (buspirone) and antidepressants like Wellbutrin (bupropion) and Desyrel (trazodone) can help reduce sexual performance anxiety. Unlike some anxiety drugs that decrease sexual function, these medications can affect brain chemistry in a way that may improve sexual arousal and sex drive.7
Sexual performance anxiety affects sexual performance before or during sex. If you have this type of performance anxiety, you may be unable to have sex, become aroused, or climax. Males with sexual performance anxiety often have issues with erectile dysfunction.
If you or your partner is experiencing sexual performance anxiety, having open communication and seeing a healthcare provider, like a licensed sex therapist, can help. Cognitive behavioral therapy, couples therapy, or medication may also help.
We’re living in the age of normalising sexual wellness, and it looks like the boys are getting on board. Here are the latest innovations in the male sex toy sphere you need to get your hands on.
Sexual wellness is coming for men. In fact, it has been for quite some time now. The proof?
A global market report conducted in the mecca of sex – the US – has revealed the male sex toy industry is set to hit a compound annual growth rate of more than seven per cent over the next decade, expanding the overall market value from $23,000 in 2019 to an eye-watering $59 billion by 2032. And with the current popularity of female pleasure heating up social discourse, it seems sex toys for guys have officially gone mainstream.
“I think society is gradually shifting towards a more open and inclusive dialogue about male sexual wellness, beyond function and hydraulics,” says men’s sex and relationships coach, Cam Fraser.
“[Generally speaking], this trend is indicative of a broader cultural movement toward destigmatising sexual exploration and prioritising mutually pleasurable experiences.”
While long assumed to be only for women, there is, in reality, a huge and varied range of sex toys designed explicitly for men. And all men at that. Whether you’re shopping for yourself or a male partner – there’s a sex toy out there to enhance both solo or partner play.
According to a survey by pleasure-aid brand, Womanizer, men masturbate an average of 155 times per year, which equates to almost three times per week.
“As restrictive stereotypes about being a ‘real man’ have lessened, many men have become more comfortable with exploring different aspects of pleasure,” says Fraser, adding that digital dialogues have also played a major role in this shift.
“Social media, wellness influencers and a more open public conversation about masculinity and sexuality have contributed to normalising discussions around male sexual health and pleasure… [and] a more accepting and curious attitude toward exploring one’s own body and desires.”
These stats alone beg the question: if you’re putting that much time into something, why not spice things up a bit?
Turns out toys can have major health benefits
According to science (yes, actual science), masturbation, prostate massage and using sex toys can be life saving for men.
Firstly, it turns out masturbation can lower your prostate cancer risk, improve heart health, boost immunity and (if you orgasm once or twice a week) help you live longer.
“The man who has 350 orgasms a year, versus the national average of around a third of that, lives about four years longer,” says Michael Roizen, the chair of the Wellness Institute at the Cleveland Clinic who conducted a study on the topic.
Meanwhile, in Wales, researchers determined that men who had two or more orgasms a week halved their rate of mortality to those who had orgasms less than once a month.
“Sexual activity seems to have a protective effect on men’s health,” the researchers concluded, and these numbers are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to longevity.
Experts say that the new breed of male sex tech can actually help with sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, lack of libido and post-surgical problems, like urine flow, for a variety of conditions.
In fact, one study revealed that “72 per cent of men with secondary delayed orgasm [difficulty achieving ejaculation or orgasm] were able to restore orgasm with penile vibratory stimulation” – aka the use of male vibrators.
If that hasn’t put you in the mood for self-love, then we don’t know what will.
Design is more high-tech than ever before
“In addition to improved ergonomic designs and advancing technology, which have made self-pleasure more appealing and enjoyable, I think the way that sex toys are being marketed and packaged has encouraged more men to explore self-pleasure,” says Fraser.
“Instead of sleazy, back-alley shops and lewd imagery, many toys are now being sold by reputable companies in sleek and unassuming packaging.”
Brands are creating a range of vibrators for men that are rooted in enjoyment – both physically and aesthetically – meaning, most of the time, they don’t actually resemble one.
“When we develop our toys, their design is always top-of-mind,” says Sarah Moglia, head of innovation at sexual pleasure brand, Arcwave. “We keep our products discrete-looking so that users don’t feel the need to hide them away when not in use.”
In fact, most new designs can be displayed around the home as a piece of art without impromptu visitors knowing what they actually are.
“Not only should the toys bring users sexual satisfaction, but we also want them to look great in interior spaces so that our customers can feel proud that they are embracing pleasure,” says Moglia.
“These changes have made sex toys more approachable and accessible, perhaps resulting in men feeling less ashamed to purchase [and use] them,” adds Fraser.
“I think this signals a promising future for sexual wellness, where personal pleasure is both prioritised and destigmatised.” It’s something female brands have been adopting for a while now, but an element that has long been neglected in male pleasure.
Earlier this year, Womanizer unveiled the world’s first shower head designed for masturbation.
Created in partnership with luxury German bathware manufacturer, Hansgrohe, the Wave shower head looks discreet in the bathroom, but packs a punch when it comes to enjoyment.
“A chic-looking sex toy on your shelf, bedside table or in your shower is the ultimate tool – both aesthetically and sexually,” says Elisabeth Neumann, sexologist and head of user research at Womanizer.
“Design has played a significant role in changing perceptions around pleasure and sex toys,” adds Fraser. “By focusing on aesthetics, functionality and discretion, [brands] are breaking down stereotypes that sex toys are either taboo or vulgar.”
Not only is this pivotal in normalising sexual wellness as an integral element of overall health and wellbeing, but it also plays a major role in reducing shame around sex and self-care. And we’re all for that.
A real test of someones’ character is how they act when they think no one’s watching. This is exactly why hidden camera social experiments are so poignant.
Unfortunately, these experiments usually produce negative results — but every once in a while, strangers will act so compassionately that it may actually surprise you.
The video, created by Spain’s State Federation of Lesbians, Gays, Transsexuals and Bisexuals, calls on the public to “report homophobic, biphobic and transphobic threats, insults or attacks.”
The premise of the hidden camera social experiment is this: A gay couple from the U.S. are in Spain on vacation and don’t know the language. So they stop people on the streets for directions and to translate this letter, given to them by their hotel owner. To the locals’ shock, the note is filled with homophobic remarks and hatred.
You can see the sadness on these strangers’ faces while reading the homophobic note. One girl, who cannot bring herself to translates what the note actually says, tells them “It’s better if you go to another hostel, because this one is not very good.”
Another man tells the couple, “You go with this to the police, they can close his business.” And a woman, visibly upset, calls the note “disgusting.”
The video, part of a larger campaign to stop homophobic harassment in Spain and beyond, urges victims to report all threats to local authorities.
Many people assume aging means losing interest in sex. A recent study sheds light on the misconceptions surrounding older adults’ sexual lives.
Society’s beliefs about aging and sex are complex and vary widely, but one common belief is that disinterest in sex is a standard part of aging. A recent study explores how misconceptions like these can complicate the acceptance of older adults’ sexual lives.
The study surveyed 270 young adults, ages 18 to 35, about their perceptions of sexuality in older adulthood, general attitudes towards sex and sex as a leisure activity. It was conducted by Liza Berdychevsky, professor of recreation, sport and tourism at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and Iulia Fratila, an assistant professor of global and community health at George Mason University.
“The entire premise is: How do we combat ageism?” Berdychevsky said.
The study found that young adults have a moderate level of knowledge and are typically open-minded regarding later-life sexuality. But it also revealed the ageist views and misconceptions that can potentially harm older adults’ sexual expression.
More than one in four young adults surveyed incorrectly believed that sex might increase the chance of heart attacks for older folks. About 12% mistakenly thought that sex in later years could be bad for health overall. And roughly one in five were under the wrong impression that older men and women can’t be partners to each other for sex, thinking instead that they need younger partners for any sexual connection.
Older adults can internalize ageism, Fratila said, leading them to limit their willingness and confidence to seek help if issues with their sexual life do arise.
“We see a lot in movies, that older adults become asexual, or that it’s a dirty, creepy phenomenon to have sexual interest still as you get older,” Fratila said. “It might just hurt their psychological well-being and self-esteem, being marginalized or stereotyped in that way.”
It’s a shame, she said, because these false ideas “[don’t] allow people to actually pursue the maximum health that they can, given that sexual health is a part of our overall well-being.”
In an earlier study, Berdychevsky spoke with older adults about ageist beliefs they’ve encountered. Many said that at least some of these ideas came from uninformed health care providers or close family members — like adult children — who did not appreciate the idea of their parents having sexual relations.
The new study also found that some participants would be reluctant to admit a relative to a nursing home that allowed and supported sexual activity among its residents.
“I think they should view it through the lens of: Am I infringing on my relative’s sexual expression rights? And if the answer is yes, then rethink your position,” Berdychevsky said. “It’s up to them. The infrastructure for privacy and intimacy and sexual relationships need to be provided, and then it’s up to older adults whether to take advantage of that.”
Illinois Student Newsroom spoke with young people on the campus of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, to see what they thought about the topic of aging and sex.
UIUC freshman Seher Bhaskar said sex is seen as taboo for older generations.
“It’s that idea that there’s a prime of your age – the idea that a senior citizen is not as capable as someone who’s younger,” Bhaskar said. “So we just feel that they’re just not part of normal life, so they shouldn’t be doing those ‘un-innocent’ activities.”
Numerous research studies show that sexual activity in later life has numerous health benefits, including improved cardiovascular function, relaxation, and decreased pain sensitivity and depressive symptoms. Fratila also noted the psychological and social benefits.
“It doesn’t stop after our reproductive years,” Fratila said. “This is something that can be a glue for relationships, it can be something that’s empowering for individuals when they’re able to practice safe sex, and sex that is adaptable to where they are in their life stage. It doesn’t have to look like how it [did] when you were younger.”
When asked what age they thought adults stopped having sex, Alex Lopez, a UIUC freshman, guessed somewhere in their 30s.
“I have no idea,” they said. “At least for me in middle school, I had no sex ed, and then in high school as well. I got educated by a friend of mine during a free period in a classroom.”
Berdychevsky said the next steps are to focus on developing appropriate sexual health education throughout life.
“It has to be tailored to [a] particular life stage with the focus that there’s no expiration date on sexuality,” Berdychevsky said. “It’s not only older adults. It’s not only younger adults. [Sex] can continue to be enjoyed, perhaps differently at every life stage, but it still comes with all its benefits.”
Better sexual education of young people, the researchers said, could help alleviate fears many young people have about mortality and aging.
Mallory Miller, a junior at UIUC, said she believes more representation would also be beneficial.
“We only hear about sex with people who have the ‘perfect’ bodies or early 20-year-olds or college students,” Miller said. “You don’t even realize that it happens at all ages. I think it’d be great if we could change that mental imagery to something that’s more inclusive.”
Currently, Berdychevsky is spearheading another project – an app with tailored sexual health education messages for older adults. Her team has already developed 30 modules and is working on an algorithm and screener.
“Every good thing in our life requires some work, and ageist stereotypes tend to inhibit some people’s ability to do that work because it’s not viewed as worthy or as appropriate or whatnot,” Berdychevsky said. “Removing that ageist inhibition is so crucially important, so that people could act upon their change in needs and desires and get that fulfillment that they’re looking for.”
— PrEP has been hailed by sexual health experts as crucial in bringing the HIV epidemic to an end, but studies show that only 20 per cent of the British public even know it exists.
BY CONOR CLARK
Taking PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is one of the most effective ways to reduce the risk of getting HIV, but knowledge about it among the British public remains scarce. In fact, just 20 per cent of people in the UK know it exists, according to research conducted by YouGov on behalf of Terrence Higgins Trust, the country’s leading sexual health charity. A staggering 77 per cent were also unaware that England can end new cases of HIV by 2030, which sexual health experts have said PrEP is key to making a reality. So, what is the drug, how effective is it at preventing HIV and where can you get it?
What is PrEP?
PrEP (sometimes known as Truvada) is a medicine that drastically reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex or injection drug use when taken effectively. It typically comes in the form of a tablet containing tenofovir disoproxil and emtricitabine, both of which are used to treat HIV. Once there’s enough of the drug inside you, it works by blocking HIV from getting into the body and replicating itself.
Long-acting injectable PrEP also exists and has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in the US, though is not yet available in the UK. It can also exist as a vaginal ring, though this is also not yet available in the UK.
PrEP does not protect you against any other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
How effective is it at preventing HIV?
When taken effectively, PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex by 99 per cent. When taking it daily, PrEP needs to be taken for seven days until it becomes fully effective.
The PrEP Impact Trial, which involved more than 24,000 participants across 157 sexual health services from October 2017 to July 2020, proved the real-world effectiveness of the drug and concluded that it should be used more widely to prevent the spread of HIV. John Stewart, National Director for Specialised Commissioning at NHS England and co-Chair of the PrEP Impact Trial Oversight Board, said: “Not only did the trial directly prevent many cases of HIV, help normalise the use of PrEP, remove stigma and pave the way for a routinely commissioned clinically and cost-effective PrEP service; but it also made a very real contribution towards our goal of ending new cases of HIV by 2030.”
How often should I take it?
Most people take it orally in the form of a tablet, either regularly (one a day) or ‘event-based’ (two tablets two to 24 hours before sex, then one 24 hours after sex and a further one 48 hours after).
Those who were assigned female at birth and trans people using hormone treatment are recommended to take PrEP daily due to the lack of data available in supporting other dosing options. More information about this is available here.
Do I still need to test for HIV if I’m on PrEP?
The short answer is yes. Sam, a doctor at the Dean Street sexual health clinics in London, which are world-famous for their services to LGBTQIA+ people, said: “PrEP is the most effective way of protecting yourself from HIV. However, mistakes can happen with taking your PrEP, so we still advise testing every three to four months for HIV and all the other STIs.”
Kidney tests are done before you begin taking PrEP and continue routinely while you are on it. This is because it can sometimes affect your kidneys, though this is incredibly rare and typically only happens in those aged 50 and older or those who already have kidney problems.
Are there any side effects?
Not everyone gets side effects from PrEP and those who do usually see them go away after the first few weeks of taking it. “This is one of the number one reasons for people not wanting to take PrEP, but actually only about one in 10 people get side effects from PrEP and these tend to be quite mild and not very severe,” Sam told GAY TIMES.
According to the NHS, the most common side effects some people experience are:
Headache
Nausea and/or vomiting
Diarrhoea
Feeling dizzy and/or weak
Trouble sleeping
Bloating and/or indigestion
Clinicians recommend that anyone experiencing side effects seek medical advice if they persist.
Over half of women have faked an orgasm. Surprised? Probably not.
But while some women fake it from time-to-time, for others the lack of ability to reach orgasm is a far more debilitating issue.
Female orgasm disorder/difficulty (FOD), sometimes referred to as orgasm dysfunction, occurs when an individual has difficulty reaching orgasm, even when they are sexually aroused.
It affects millions of women worldwide and yet remains drastically under-studied.
“FOD is an under-recognized and under-treated serious public health issue,” says Dr Suzanne Mulvehill, founder of the Female Orgasm Research Institute, in written correspondence.
“The purpose of the Female Orgasm Research Institute is to identify proven pathways to female orgasm, conduct female orgasm research, bring awareness to the persistently high percentage of women affected by female orgasm difficulty, and provide an online female orgasm research library.”
According to Mulvehill’s research, the condition affects up to 41% of the female population, a statistic that has remained unchanged for 50 years.
She puts this down to a number of reasons that include “shame, stigma, lack of research, and lack of treatments”.
A quick search of clinicaltrials.gov and you’ll see that there are currently no clinical trials recruiting or in the early stages of development on FOD and only 13 completed studies.
This is compared to 363 completed studies on erectile dysfunction and 88 in the early stages.
Dr Mulvehill says: “When I was conducting my dissertation research, I was shocked to discover that there is only one empirically validated treatment for FOD and that is only for women who never orgasmed, or rather, have not yet orgasmed, and this is called directed masturbation and was developed in the 1970s.
“There are no empirically validated treatments for the largest group of women affected by FOD which is women who have what is referred to as Situational FOD, meaning women who can orgasm in some situations but not others, such as orgasm from masturbation but not during partnered sex.”
There is one potential treatment which is showing significant promise though.
While previous research has suggested cannabis could have therapeutic potential in a number of female sexual disorders and could enhance pleasure for both men and women, the latest study to be published by the Female Orgasm Research Institute is the first to specifically evaluate the effects of cannabis in treating FOD.
What The Study Found
The observational study conducted among almost 400 women between March-November 2022, evaluated baseline demographics, sexual behavior, mental health, cannabis use, and the orgasm subscale questions of the Female Sexual Function Index (FSFI), evaluating orgasm frequency, orgasm satisfaction, and orgasm ease, with and without cannabis before sex.
The majority of women in the study who reported difficulty reaching orgasm were between the ages of 25–34 (52%), reported their race as white (75%) and were married or in a relationship (82%).
Among those respondents reporting orgasm difficulty, cannabis use before partnered sex was found to increase orgasm frequency (72.8%) improve orgasm satisfaction (67%) or make reaching orgasm easier (71%).
According to the findings, the frequency of cannabis use before partnered sex correlated with increased orgasm frequency for women with FOD, while orgasm response to cannabis depended on the reasons for use.
“I honestly do not know of any other condition that has more of a research history than cannabis and sex, and in particular female orgasm,” she continues.
“What we do know is that 50 years of research shows cannabis helps women orgasm and helps women who have FOD. In the 1970s Dr Eric Goode speculated that it helped women release sexual inhibition.
“Aldrich found that cannabis has been used since ancient times to enhance sexual pleasure, and extensively documented the tantric use of cannabis in India from the seventh century onward to aid sexual pleasure and enlightenment.
“In 2020, Kasman et al. found that for each step up in cannabis use, female sexual dysfunction declined by 21%.”
FOD: The Bigger Picture
It starts to make sense when you look at the bigger picture around FOD.
Dr Mulvehill’s study also examined the mental health difficulties experienced by women with FOD. Those with the condition reported 24% more mental health issues, 52.6% more PTSD, 29% more depressive disorders, 13% more anxiety disorders, and 22% more prescription drug use than women without FOD. Women with FOD were also more likely to report sexual abuse history than women without.
“We also know that orgasm difficulties are the number one sexual complaint of sexual abuse survivors. When we start to put the research puzzle together, we see cannabis medicine helping women overcome FOD.”
Dr Mulvehill and her research partner, Dr Jordan Tishler, have been trying for three years to secure the funding to conduct a randomized controlled trial to examine cannabis as a treatment for FOD in more depth.
Among as yet unanswered questions such as why it works first-time for some and not others, this is an issue about “more than just pleasure” and could have a much wider impact on health.
FOD has a well-documented link to anxiety, childhood sexual abuse, PTSD, and cognitive distractions.
Studies have shown that THC, one of the main cannabinoids found in cannabis, can significantly reduce rates of anxiety and traumatic memories related to trauma and PTSD by reducing activity in the amygdala and reduces cognitive distractions by inhibiting activity in the prefrontal cortex.“
“As it turns out, orgasm is way more than being about pleasure. It is about a human right, a sexual right, and mental and physical health,” says Dr Mulvehill.
FOD has been linked to heart disease and cardiovascular issues, while a 2009 study found that of the sexually active women with type 1 diabetes, 51% of women reporting female sexual dysfunction had problems with orgasm.”
“If we start to actually ask women if they orgasm or not when screening for medical conditions, we may find out that lack of orgasm is linked to other health conditions. We know that during orgasm massive amounts of oxytocin are released.
“And what condition is related to a lack of oxytocin? Alzheimer’s disease. We also know that women in their 60’s are twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s. We will not know until we start asking the questions.”
FOD And Public Policy Changes
Dr Mulvehill began researching this area following her own experience of overcoming FOD with the help of cannabis. And she’s not alone.
The study comes as four U.S. states are now considering adding FOD to the list of qualifying conditions for a medical cannabis prescription.
This month, the Illinois Medical Cannabis Board approved adding FOD and endometriosis as conditions of treatment with medical cannabis and is now awaiting final approval from the state’s director of public health.
Dr Mulvehill’s personal testimony has been submitted as part of the Illinois public comments process, alongside that of other women.
Meanwhile, Ohio’s State Medical Board also recently announced that FOD, along with autism spectrum disorder, would move forward for expert review and public comment following petitions submitted online.
New Mexico and Connecticut are also reported to be considering the issue.
Dr Tishler, founder of the Association of Cannabinoid Specialists and president of inhaleMD, already prescribes cannabis for FOD and other sexual disorders, and has also submitted a letter of support to regulators in New Mexico.
He highlights the importance of women having access to legally prescribed cannabis and clinical guidance when using it to manage these conditions.
“Cannabis is a medicine and as such must be treated as a medication,” he comments over email.
“It has risks as well as benefits and best practices that lead to better outcomes. This is certainly true for the treatment of FOD. Using cannabis in a recreational manner is more likely to lead to no benefit and higher risk of misuse. Further, as cannabis overuse can worsen anxiety and depression, it can worsen FOD. Women who have FOD, like any other illness, deserve proper treatment from a knowledgeable and caring cannabinoid specialist.”
Despite the lack of robust scientific evidence through RCTs, Dr Mulvehill highlights how this hasn’t prevented other conditions being approved for medical cannabis treatment. PTSD was approved in New Mexico in 2009, with no published studies and only case reports.
“The 50 years of research, combined with doctors prescribing medical cannabis for FOD, therapists recommending it, and women using cannabis before sex, tells me there is enough evidence for FOD to become a condition of treatment with medical cannabis,” she says.
“Just google cannabis and orgasm and you will see all of the articles on it. It is not new news. What is new is getting a public policy change to add FOD as a condition of treatment with medical cannabis. Just like PTSD has dealt with stigma through awareness and education, the same can be said for FOD.”
Dr Mulvehill adds: “FOD is a medical condition that deserves proper medical treatment. It is not something that women should have to ‘figure out on their own’.”
Carol always knew something was “off” for her during sex.
“At one point I even thought I might have been asexual because I just wasn’t getting what other people would talk about all the time,” she told Larry Mantle on AirTalk, LAist 89.3’s daily news program.
It took Carol a long time to figure out that nothing was wrong with her, she just had a missing kink.
That kink? Spanking.
At 74 years old and 52 years into her marriage, Carol discovered she loves to be spanked.
“It just took a long time to figure this out because my access to computers and things were limited, and I just didn’t know,” she said. “I didn’t have the time to explore me!”
Her husband doesn’t necessarily have the same kink, but that hasn’t stopped him from leaning into his partner’s pleasure.
“He noticed every time we do this, how much happier I am. If I’m cranky or we’re fighting it will change the mood like an instant pill. We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year,” Carol said.
Kink may not be what you think
The art of Shibari
Kink and BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, Sado-Masochism) conjure up certain images in popular culture. Take the Blockbuster hit 50 Shades of Gray, which delved into fantasies of violent sex in which Christian Grey, a handsome business man, wants his love interest to be submissive. While this is a common kink played out in private spaces, BDSM practitioners were quick to weigh in on all that was missing from the film’s depictions — communication, context, and most importantly, consent.
“We have two dominant paradigms around kink,” said Nora Last, owner of Double Mask Studio, a queer owned and operated Shibari studio located in downtown L.A. Shibari is a type of bondage practice (more on that further down).
A couple paradigms include “a slender guy in a suit and a girl in a dress kneeling in front of him,” or, Last continued, “a conventionally attractive woman in spiked heels and latex.”
“They’re lovely, but we’re really limiting ourselves and not giving ourselves enough credit if we stop imagining there,” said Last.
Finding your kink
Nora Last at her studio Devil Mask Studios in DTLA
Kinks come in all styles and flavors. You’ve got your more common asphyxiation kink, also known as “breath play,” to your spitting kink, where two consenting adults enjoy spitting in each others mouths. Suffice to say, kinks run the gamut.
“What if we want to [explore kink] in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles?” Last said. “If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them.”
Like Carol, who discovered her kink for spanking at age 74, many people may have dormant kinks they haven’t yet realized.
“We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year.”— Carol in Palm Desert
“I was shocked to find out I was a kinky woman,” Franzblau said.
After the end of a relationship, Franzblau said her sexuality “shut down.”
Jean Franzblau performs her play “My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky”
“When I got out of it, I became dedicated, committed, to exploring for myself and finding my own sexual sovereignty,” she said.
With newly granted self-permission, Franzblau discovered that both sides of the dominance-submission coin were intriguing to her. Her exploration began with submission. When she found a partner interested in dominance, they had the necessary conversations about consent and negotiation.
“I thought I was going to have maybe a titillating experience, maybe I would learn something new,” she said. “Instead, I would consider it a spiritual experience. I wept. There was something in me that needed to surrender.”
For many folks, finding your kink is just the first step. The next step? Finding a safe space and people with whom to express it.
“What if we want to explore kink in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles? If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them.” — Nora Last
Freeing your kink
Today, there are ample spaces that provide safe and playful settings for adults to explore their sexuality. One of those spaces is Nora Last’s studio in Downtown L.A. where the focus is on Shibari, the Japanese art of erotic bondage.
“We define it most broadly as rope bondage,” Last said, “Whether that is for sensation, whether that is for sexual gratification, and that references specific aesthetics and styles coming from Japanese rope bondage.”
Nora Last on the beach practicing the erotic bondage art of Shibari
Shibari is one of the many styles of kink or eroticism that people can play with — play being the operative word.
“At its core, kink is about creating a container for intimacy. It can be sexual, emotional,” they said. “Creating a container for a focused, specific experience. It’s part of our core human desire.”
A San Francisco-based kink educator named Midori, whom Last admires, writes “BDSM is childhood joyous play, with adult sexual privilege, and cool toys.”
Last adds, “So much of it comes down to…why not? There’s a harsh dichotomy between kinky and vanilla, queer and hetero. It’s not as harsh of a line as we think it is.”
Therein lies the nuance. To be kinky or not to be kinky was never the question.
Nora Last tied up in Shibari in a public park
Talking with partners
When it comes to kink, Franzblau’s hope for everyone in a partnership is that they can candidly talk about the places they connect and the places they don’t.
“Are we here to control each other or to encourage each other’s greatness or well-being?” Franzblau said.
She acknowledges that it can be totally heartbreaking when partners don’t see eye to eye. But, she adds, “What’s wonderful about this moment in time is that there are a lot of resources for navigating these extremely tricky conversations.”
For kink and BDSM communities that have been historically stigmatized, Franzblau and Last are two people among many trying to change that. Arguably, their most powerful and subversive statements? Their kinks.
NEW TO KINK? CHECK OUT THESE RESOURCES!
Sex Positive LA
Sex-Positive Los Angeles is a non-profit organization that creates educational and social experiences around positive sexuality, identity, lifestyle, consent, and body-positivity for adults. We provide a chance to explore, learn, and grow in a safe, welcoming, and consensual environment through consensual touch events, workshops and discussion groups.
910 WeHo
A Queer and Alt Lifestyle, Friendly Community Space for All. BDSM Los Angeles kink dungeon.
Fet Life
A popular Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community.
Cuddle Sanctuary
Social events to learn about and practice consent
My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky
A one-woman show exploring the early childhood hints that she was wired differently and her bumpy, awkwardly arousing journey towards self-acceptance.
Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships
Therapist Kate Loree—who has practiced non-monogamy since 2003, and who specializes in treating clients who also practice non-monogamy—pulls no punches as she uses vignettes based on her own life, as well as her clients’ experiences, to illustrate the highs, lows, and in-betweens of life as a consensual non-monogamist.
Plura App
Plura is the go-to app for queer, sex+, growth-oriented, and alternative people to find their people.
ShibariStudy
An online resource, rope-focused (as the name implies) but their consent classes are both very good and very broadly applicable.
Why Are People Into That?!
A podcast hosted by sex-ed icon Tina Horn, a podcast dedicated to answering its titular question. Now also a book!
Safiya Darling
a sexuality & consent educator based here in LA, Safiya speaks so effectively to the interplay of queerness, race, and kink
Devil Mask Studio
particularly rope jams, they’re a low stress, semi-structured way to experience the space and connect with other interested folks
Every type of prostate cancer treatment has the potential to negatively affect sexual function and may impact fertility. But there is good news: A variety of therapies make it possible to have an active and fulfilling sex life during and after prostate cancer treatment, even if it means slightly reimagining what it means to have good sex. If your sex life has been altered by prostate cancer treatments, some unwanted side effects like erectile dysfunction have been known to improve over time, according to Johns Hopkins Medicine.
The prostate is surrounded by nerves, muscles, and blood vessels that help produce an erection, but the prostate isn’t required for an erection or orgasm. However, the prostate and seminal vesicles are required for ejaculation and fertility. Some cancer treatments may affect the ability to get an erection and ejaculate.
Sexual Side Effects of Prostate Cancer Treatments
Prostate Surgery
It’s important to understand that orgasm and ejaculation are different physical reactions, although they often happen at the same time. Because the prostate and seminal vesicles are removed in a prostatectomy, no ejaculation can happen, but an erection and orgasm can happen. Sometimes the climax is called a dry orgasm because there is no semen.
Typically, a surgeon will attempt a sparing prostatectomy to save the neurovascular bundles on the side of the prostate that are necessary for erections and orgasms. But sometimes these nerves are damaged in surgery, which could diminish the ability to get erections or keep them.
If there is nerve damage, erectile dysfunction can improve over time even without intervention, according to Raevti Bole, MD, a urologist and specialist in men’s health at the Cleveland Clinic. “In general, patients notice the biggest impact on their erections right after surgery, then start to see improvements for up to two years after surgery,” says Dr. Bole.
There’s also the potential for another frustrating side effect of surgery: climacturia, or orgasmic incontinence. This is when a bit of urine leaks out during arousal. It is treatable through bladder training and exercising the pelvic floor muscles, or Kegel exercises.
Radiation
Although the goal of radiation therapy is to deliver the treatment to only the areas affected by cancer, sometimes it affects nearby nerves as well. When this happens, the nerves may not send a signal to have an erection. Unlike a prostatectomy, for which the biggest impact is right after surgery, the effects from radiation, if they happen, may occur over the course of years.
“Patients who have radiation can still orgasm and ejaculate, but often their ejaculate is diminished because, over time, the seminal vesicles in the prostate don’t produce semen like they used to,” says Scott Shelfo, MD, the medical director of urology at City of Hope in Atlanta.
Chemotherapy
Chemotherapy is unlikely to cause erectile dysfunction, though it does have other side effects, such as fatigue and hair loss. Chemotherapy can, however, lower testosterone levels during the treatment period, per the National Cancer Institute, which leads to decreased libido. Chemo is always given in conjunction with hormonal therapy.
Hormone Therapy
Hormone therapy is used to stop the progression of cancer by significantly reducing testosterone, which can affect libido. With lower testosterone, the desire to have sex decreases. Low testosterone, or low T, can also affect the quality of erections, even though it isn’t physically affecting the sensory nerves. Testosterone is important for maintaining rigidity as well.
But patients with prostate cancer aren’t likely to be on hormone therapy for life. The length of time depends on the aggressiveness of the cancer. If you’ve been on hormone therapy for a while and the cancer is under control, you might have a discussion with your oncologist about taking a “hormone holiday,” according to Bole. “But there will still be intensive monitoring to make sure you’re doing it safely,” Bole says.
Common Questions About Sexual Side Effects of Prostate Cancer
Can You Function Sexually Without a Prostate?
There is life after prostate cancer, and you absolutely can have sex after a prostatectomy, although the quality of the sex depends on how well the nerves that stimulate erections and lead to orgasms survive the surgery.
Regardless of any possible damage to the nerves around the prostate, the sensory nerves, which are different from the ones that control erections, remain untouched by surgery. This means that the process that leads to arousal, but not necessarily erections, shouldn’t change.
Can You Get an Erection if You Have Prostate Cancer or Had Your Prostate Removed?
Yes. The nerves that control erections run along the back of the prostate. As long as the cancer has not invaded those nerves, your surgeon will make every effort to peel the prostate gland from those nerves without doing damage to them.
“If the surgeon does a good prostatectomy, and the patient had good erectile function before it, they have a better chance [of avoiding erectile dysfunction],” says Dr. Shelfo. Of course, if you had erectile dysfunction before prostate removal, chances are that you’re still going to have it after the procedure.
Can You Ejaculate After Prostate Removal?
No. Once the prostate is removed along with seminal vesicles, you can’t ejaculate.
Does Sex Feel Different After Prostate Removal?
Sex after prostate removal might feel different for some people. People with intact prostates often ejaculate and orgasm at the same time, although they are actually different processes. With prostate removal, erections and orgasms should be unchanged, unless the nerves around the prostate are damaged.
But Bole, who surveys patients after surgery, found that some patients find a dry orgasm after prostate surgery less satisfying, adding that same-sex couples may have issues if one partner is lacking a prostate. “For men having receptive anal intercourse, where the prostate is a source of pleasure, having the prostate removed definitely changes the sexual experience,” Bole says.
Can Prostate Cancer Affect Fertility?
Prostate cancer itself won’t necessarily affect fertility, but prostate removal definitely will. When the prostate and seminal vesicles are removed, there can be no ejaculation, which is necessary for fertility.
Sperm is still being produced, however. It’s possible to retrieve sperm surgically though a testicular biopsy for use in assisted reproductive procedures like in vitro fertilization.
Because the average age of prostate cancer diagnosis is 66 years old, according to Cancer.Net, many patients with prostate cancer will be past the age of wanting to conceive.
With other treatments that leave the prostate in place, there may be an impact on erections, depending on whether the nerves that lead to arousal are damaged. However, if you have a prostate, it is possible to ejaculate without a full erection, according to UCLA Health.
Treating Erectile Dysfunction Caused by Prostate Cancer
Nearly all patients will experience some erectile dysfunction after a prostatectomy. How long it lasts depends on age, overall health, and the amount of damage done to the nerves surrounding the prostate, says Johns Hopkins Medicine.
Some erectile dysfunction treatments include the following:
Medications Sildenafil (Viagra), vardenafil (Levitra), and tadalafil (Cialis) will help if the issue is getting blood to the penis but won’t be effective if the nerves have been damaged by surgery or radiation. This class of drugs won’t help with low libido.
Vacuum Erection Device Also called a penis pump, the device pulls blood into the penis. It can be effective for men who can get an erection but can’t maintain it.
Penile Injection Therapy You give yourself a shot at the base of the penis with a mixture of alprostadil, phentolamine, and papaverine (Trimix) to open the blood vessels in the penis and help achieve an erection.
Penile Implants These devices placed in the penis to get an erection are sometimes recommended when other treatments for erectile dysfunction fail.
“I always tell my patients, When there’s a will, there’s a way for you to get a firm enough erection for sex,” says Shelfo.
In addition to these interventions, lifestyle changes such as quitting smoking and cutting back on drinking can improve the ability to get an erection, per Cancer Research UK. This is also true for men with erectile dysfunction not related to prostate cancer treatment.
Reimagining Good Sex
Many men believe that good sex involves an erect — and constantly erect — penis, as well as an orgasm and ejaculation. But Bole says that if there are unwanted sexual side effects of prostate cancer treatment, it’s possible to imagine different ways to be sexual.
“Sexual therapy, psychology [experts], and couples counseling can help patients communicate with their partners about what they’re going through and explore other ways to be intimate and express affection,” she says.
Any kind of treatment for cancer can affect not just your anatomy and sexual function but also the way you feel about yourself. Bole says that it’s important to speak with doctors before treatment for prostate cancer about what kinds of sexual changes can be expected. “A lot of times, when the oncologist identifies a problem, they are good at reaching out to get the patient a consultation with someone like myself or one of my partners who specializes in talking about some of the [symptoms] that might not be brought up during an oncology-focused visit,” says Bole.
Picture this: It’s 3 a.m., and instead of blissfully snoozing beneath your sleep mask (…or adding a bunch of viral TikTok finds to your cart), you’re deep in the trenches of your feelings, wrestling with the kind of heartache no amount of beauty sleep or online shopping can heal. Welcome to the not-so-exclusive club of the lovesick, bb, where the main activities include over-analyzing text messages, obsessing about ~the one that got away~, and wondering if your soulmate is really out there. Bleak, right? That’s because, hi, lovesickness is a real thing, and unfortunately for all of us, it hurts like hell.
“Lovesickness describes the intense emotional and physical experiences associated with romantic love,” says Sarah Hill, PhD, a research psychologist and consultant for Cougar Life, specializing in women’s health and sexual psychology. “The symptoms resemble those of a physical illness because of the profound links between the mind and body.” You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you feel depressed, and the thought of doing anything other than crying in bed and watching Love is Blind seems impossible. Sound familiar?
Even though the term isn’t a recognized medical diagnosis, Hill stresses that it’s a very real, very painful mental ailment. To put it bluntly, being lovesick makes it feel like your heart got hit by a semi-truck. Whether you’re trying to get over a breakup, grappling with unrequited love, or coming to terms with a going-nowhere situationship, lovesickness isn’t just for the dramatically inclined—it’s a legit rollercoaster of physical and emotional symptoms that can leave even the strongest among us reeling.
The silver lining? While lovesickness is your body and mind grappling with loss, remember, you’re not spiraling alone—you’ve got us! And with the help of relationship pros, we’re breaking down every damn thing you need to know about lovesickness, from what it is to how to heal. Stick with us, y’all, because happier days are on the horizon, no matter how lovesick you feel rn.
What Actually *Is* Lovesickness?
As the name suggests, lovesickness is the feeling of being “sick” due to the loss or lack of romantic love. Again, it’s not an official medical or clinical condition, but holistic relationship coach Alexandra Roxo stresses just how uncomfortable the experience can be.<
“It’s the point where emotional pain turns to physical pain after going through a breakup, heartbreak, or a separation,” she says. While heartbreak—an existential experience—makes you feel sad, Roxo says the difference is that lovesickness is usually described as the physiological response to that heartbreak. Feeling lovesick means you might find it hard to eat, sleep, work, or even have fun. Food might lose its taste, music might sound flat, and you might even experience real symptoms of clinical depression and anxiety. So, no! You’re not being dramatic! Your body *literally* feels sick from lost love, dammit!
The term is sometimes mistaken for limerence—an obsessive form of love—but lovesickness primarily stems from the absence of love, triggering a feeling similar to that experienced from addictive substances. “Being lovesick can feel akin to the withdrawal symptoms from opioid drugs,” Hill explains, “As both scenarios involve a lack of stimulus that usually activates the brain’s reward centers, leading to a dopamine withdrawal.”
While this all sounds, frankly, miserable, it’s important to note that feeling lovesick is actually totally normal. “Both lovesickness and heartbreak can be intense and distressing emotional experiences, but they are also natural responses to the complexities of relationships,” Hill says. Knowing how to heal is key, and curing your lovesickness is possible. Promise.
What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Lovesickness?
Feeling lovesick isn’t just about wallowing in your feelings post-breakup (but, like, that’s totally valid too). According to Hill and Roxo, the symptoms of lovesickness can—and likely will—vary from person to person, ranging from mood swings to sleeplessness to yearning for your former partner. Sometimes, you might feel fine, and other times, you feel like you’re on autopilot or have a hard time functioning in daily life.
So, if you find yourself wanting to call out of work because your heart literally hurts, there’s a chance you’re feeling lovesick. While the signs of lovesickness aren’t always obvious, here’s what the pros say to look out for:
Difficulty sleeping: Your love interest’s absence can disrupt your sleep cycle, making it hard to fall or stay asleep.
Restlessness and anxiety: A constant state of unease, especially after the breakup or when exposed to triggers? Check.
Inability to concentrate: Your thoughts might be consumed by your partner or your breakup, distracting you from any and all tasks at hand.
Increased tearfulness: You might find yourself crying over songs, random memories, or simply out of nowhere. Inconvenient, sure, but normal.
Pain or tension in the chest: This can be a physical manifestation of your emotional pain (but if it persists, feels uncomfortable, or intensifies, reach out to your doctor ASAP).
Mood and appetite changes: Swings in mood and changes in appetite are A Real Response, often leading to eating too little or too much.
Obsessive thoughts and idealization: You may find yourself putting the relationship on a pedestal or obsessing over what went wrong.
Understanding these symptoms is the first step toward healing, and can empower you to take steps toward recovery and eventually find balance and happiness again. Because, yes! You will be happy again!
How Do You Heal from Lovesickness?
Dealing with lovesickness can feel like you’re wading through emotional quicksand, but there *are* effective ways to pull yourself out and move forward. Let’s break down some expert-backed strategies to heal from lovesickness and find your footing again.
Be Kind to Yourself.
First and foremost, be gentle with yourself. Lovesickness can take a toll not just emotionally, but physically too. Roxo suggests giving yourself plenty of extra TLC. Eat soothing foods, take bubble baths, get a massage, or cuddle with your pet for some quality physical touch. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings—so cue up that sad playlist or watch some breakup movies—but Roxo says to schedule something uplifting afterward (like coffee with a pal) to help balance your emotions.
Set Boundaries…and Stick To Them.
As hard as it might be to delete a number or block an account, Hill emphasizes the importance of the whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing. Delete the pics, toss the mementos, and try to keep contact to an absolute minimum. Setting healthy boundaries for yourself—whatever that looks like to you—during this time is key, and once you’ve decided that you’re not going to talk to your ex and that you’re going to avoid stalking their socials, stick to it!
Sweat It Out.
I realize working out whilst sad sounds like agony, but physical activity can actually be a crucial component of healing. “Exercise, especially cardio, can significantly improve your brain chemistry, helping to alleviate the fog of lovesickness,” Roxo says. She recommends incorporating upbeat music into your workouts to elevate your mood further.
Have Fun. Seriously.
Since lovesickness is often a dopamine withdrawal, rediscovering joy and pleasure outside of your romantic relationships is crucial to overcoming the ailment. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, going on a trip, or reading everything trending on BookTok, find fun new activities to look forward to. And if the idea of a rebound relationship sounds alluring (which is okay!), Hill suggests taking things slow and dating people different from your former partner. “Opening yourself up to new experiences can encourage healing,” says Hill.
Ask For Help.
Remember, it’s more than okay to ask for help during this challenging time. Whether it’s a friend or a professional, having someone to act as a sounding board and uplift you when you feel low is paramount. In fact, Roxo encourages reaching out to a therapist or coach who can support you through this transition. “This period of pain could very well be a pivotal moment leading to a breakthrough in your love life,” she says. What’s important is taking proactive steps towards recovery, allowing yourself to grieve, and gradually opening your heart to the possibility of love again.
How Long Does Lovesickness Last?
The truth is, there’s no universal clock for recovering from lovesickness. Some of us might shake it off in a few weeks, while others might be in the trenches for far longer. As Roxo puts it, “The acute symptoms usually start to chill out after a week or two, but really, lovesickness fades in time, depending on how you deal with it.”
While you might wish for a magic potion to speed up the process (don’t we all?), everyone mends at their own pace. It’s a journey, but trust the process. Your heart didn’t come with a fast-forward button, but it’s equipped with resilience and the capacity to heal. You got this.
It’s been a tricky landscape since Roe v. Wade was overturned almost two years ago, as reproductive health care has become increasingly complicated to navigate — and misinformation is on the rise.
Not only are the attacks on abortion care merging with limits on the availability of infertility treatment, but the same court that reversed the constitutional protection for abortion will hear arguments this week on restricting access to mifepristone, one of two medications commonly used to induce an abortion. And on the state level, new bills are aiming to cut back contraception options.
In Oklahoma, one bill in the state legislature has sparked questions about whether it might ban emergency contraception — like the day-after Plan B pill — and intrauterine devices, or IUDs. Part of it targets contraception that prevents the implantation of a fertilized egg. At the same time, some birth control options are expanding. This month, Opill, the first over-the-counter birth control pill, began sales. And, under a new policy, New York pharmacists can dispense certain hormonal contraceptives without a prescription.
Capital B asked three Black reproductive health care experts some of the big questions about how to access birth control, navigate the misinformation online, and understand what’s unfolding politically. Here’s what you need to know.
What is the difference between abortion care and birth control?
Amid the uptick in misinformation, experts want patients to understand there is a distinct difference between abortion care and birth control. Birth control, like the pill and IUDs, is not abortion inducing, doctors say.
While both are considered a part of reproductive health care, birth control, also called contraception, is intended to prevent pregnancy before it occurs and is often discussed and prescribed by gynecologists, which are doctors who specialize in women’s reproductive health systems.
“Birth control is acting to fundamentally prevent pregnancy,” said Dr. Alexandra Wells, an OB-GYN in Washington state. It works by stopping sperm from meeting the egg, she said.
Abortion care is separate. It terminates an already existing pregnancy, either out of patient choice up to a certain time period or medical necessity. It takes place after folks know they are pregnant and is typically managed by obstetricians, or doctors that focus on the pregnancy of patients. Many practitioners have their training in both gynecology and obstetrics.
Over the past year, how has the landscape over available birth control changed?
With so many different bills being introduced in states across the country, aiming to both limit and expand access to reproductive health care, the amount of misinformation spreading across social media platforms is surging.
While birth control and abortion care are different, the landscape in terms of access to both is shifting nationwide.
Soon after the 2022 Dobbs decision reversing federal abortion protections, when states began moving to restrict abortion, many physicians were concerned about the implications on birth control, said Dr. Yolanda Lawson, a Texas-based OB-GYN. It was not the first time. Several years prior, in the Burwell v. Hobby Lobby case, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that corporations run by religious families cannot be required to pay for insurance coverage for contraception care.
More recently, changes in abortion care have also trickled into changes in birth control access and infertility treatment for families. When reproductive health care clinics offering abortions close, other services are impacted, said Wells, who’s also a fellow with Physicians for Reproductive Health. The good news is technology is making online access to birth control options more accessible. Many options can be mailed and are often covered by insurance, she said.
Opill is now available, adding to the many other options, including condoms, spermicide, the ring, IUDs, implants, patches and cycle tracking.
How do I know what’s happening with access to birth control in my state?
There is no comprehensive, central location for all of this information, said Jennifer Driver, senior director of reproductive rights at SiX, an organization that works with elected officials after they win office. The federal Title X family planning websites have a lot of information and resources for patients, said Driver. The best way to find out what is happening with legislation is directly through the state legislator. On each website, you can see what bills are being introduced and which representatives may have brought it forth.
Local news coverage from trusted outlets may also break down what bills are impacting your reproductive health care. Experts caution against relying on social media for health information, given the sheer amount of misinformation and myths.
Do IUDs induce abortions?
No. The devices work by thickening the mucus along the uterine wall, making it difficult for sperm to migrate and meet with the egg, preventing fertilization.
“It’s a simple mechanism, but it really works,” said Lawson, who’s also the president of the National Medical Association. It prevents conception. They are 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy.
What birth control is now available?
Condoms, spermicide, contraceptive sponges, apps to track your menstrual cycle, emergency contraception like Plan B, and most recently Opill, are all birth control options that do not require a prescription from a doctor.
Some hormonal contraceptives require either a prescription or insertion by a medical provider. Those include the ring, IUDs, implants, contraceptive injections, and birth control pills. Sterilization is also an option regardless of the gender of the patient.
“It’s really amazing that women have so many contraception options,” said Lawson. There is some slight variation in how well each works, she said. “There are options that our grandmothers and even mothers did not have. I hope women are empowered by that.”
It’s also important to make sure you feel comfortable with your provider, said Wells. You should feel free to ask questions about how each contraceptive option works and might impact your body.
A lot of birth control options are covered by insurance, and many clinics and health centers may offer free condoms. Some birth control pill companies offer discounts on their websites.
If you’re uninsured, many freestanding health clinics offer sliding scale payment options based on your household income and ability to pay, which could bring the price down.
How do I know what my best birth control option is?
It’s important to understand your medical history, said Wells. In person or online, your provider may ask about your history with high blood pressure, blood clots, and conditions like lupus. Those conditions may preclude the use of certain forms of contraception.
People should also consider their lifestyle and goals, she said. For example, the IUD requires a one-time insertion every handful of years depending on the types, whereas the pill requires patients to take them at the same time each day. Each option offers a different level of independence. The pill can be stopped at any time. The IUD and implant require an appointment with a provider to remove.
An assortment of contraceptives such as Plan B and condoms provided by Planned Parenthood Generation Action at the Sex and Relationships photoshoot. Sex-ed is an important part of K-12 education, and the risk of losing the curriculum in schools can lead to an increase in unwanted teen pregnancies and STIs.
Although it may be a cliche, there is some truth to the trope ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ — whether it be through teachers, pediatricians, athletic coaches or politicians who create laws directly affecting youth. But in some states across the U.S., the adults in charge of youth policies are not doing their part in ensuring quality education for all.
According to an Associated Press article, GOP-led states are at risk of losing sex education curricula in their schools. This idea was amplified after the emergence of the “parents’ rights” movement, whose main concern is dismantling inclusive LGBTQ+ sex education. Republican leaders and parents are trying to ensure that it is the parents’ choice to allow their children to take part in any sex education.
So what can we expect in the absence of sex education at K-12 institutions if these policies are implemented?
Lack of sex education for all youth may lead to an increase in unwanted teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Since GOP state leaders tend to oppose abortion rights, minimizing unwanted pregnancy is crucial in these states to protect teens from potential physical, emotional and financial harms. In fact, teen birth rates are much higher in states that ban abortion and have minimal sex education curricula.
Moreover, the number of contracted sexually transmitted disease (STD) cases has risen again since the COVID-19 pandemic — reaching more than 2.5 million cases of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia according to the CDC’s 2022 statistics.
GOP-led states are especially at higher risk; out of the top 10 states with the highest rate of STDs, eight are Republican-controlled states.
Many of the Republican voters who oppose mandatory sex education argue that it is the parents’ responsibility to determine what constitutes appropriate sex education for their children. But this begs the question: is sex education really taught at home?
According to OnePoll, one in five parents are not willing to have conversations about sexual matters with their kids at all. Even the parents who discuss sex education with their kids tend to avoid more complex topics, such as birth control and consent.
While sex education in schools is taught by qualified instructors, parents may not have the same level of professional expertise. Not only do they tend to avoid harder topics, but their own lack of education can lead to misinformation. For instance, older generations who are more socially conservative may be more likely to still believe in myths regarding sexual assault, such as victim-blaming for dressing or acting in a “sexually provoking way,” or believing that victims could have prevented it if they wanted to. A study from the International Society for the Study of Individual Differences’ journal proves that individuals with sexually conservative views are more likely to accept these myths.
Furthermore, teenagers are more likely to seek sexual information from peers and teachers than parents. We must keep these resources open, allowing for spaces where minors feel comfortable participating in honest outreach discussions.
The controversy surrounding sex education in public schools has been a longstanding issue, but it significantly escalated recently in GOP-led states due to opposition from parents and politicians who are reluctant to incorporate LGBTQ+ topics. The “Don’t Say Gay Bill” in Florida exemplifies the strong aversion for such discussions in politically conservative states. Given that the inclusion of LGBTQ+ sexual health in the curricula is the biggest concern among Republican-controlled states, should schools offer LGBTQ+ exclusive sex education to satisfy everyone?
The main reason why LGBTQ-inclusive sex education is important is that gender and sexually-marginalized youth are at a higher risk for sexual health issues such as STIs, sexual activity under the influence and dating violence.
LGBTQ+ youth are also far less likely to have open sex discussions with their parents. Even if they do, unless their parents are part of the community themselves, it is often difficult for kids to receive useful and accurate information specifically concerning their sexual health. It is important that schools protect LGBTQ+ youth by providing adequate education to prevent against poor health outcomes and lack of support within their homes.
Sex education is a shared responsibility between schools and parents. While schools need to provide children with quality health education, they also need a welcoming environment at home to seek answers. Instead, youth are struggling to find proper information in a world where open discussions about sex and sexual diversity are considered taboo. In each of our villages, adults and educators are responsible for ensuring safe environments and comprehensive education for all youth, including the LGBTQ+ community.
Since not everyone is privileged enough to receive quality sex education at home, K-12 schools provide necessary education for everyone regardless of socioeconomic status, family background and sexual orientation. When giving equal educational opportunities is the main function of primary and secondary schools, how is it acceptable to exclude one of the most important subjects?
Sex education is directly related to a person’s physical, emotional and social well-being. The World Health Organization defines sexual health as “a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality.” Teaching adolescents about sexual health ensures a better quality of life overall.
According to a study from the Journal of Adolescent Health conducted with adolescent women, better sexual health is associated with better social integration, higher self-esteem, less substance use and lower self-reported depression. Another study from the Frontiers in Reproductive Health Journal suggests that among male adolescents, mental and reproductive health are intertwined; poor sexual health leads to poor mental health and vice versa.
Hence, comprehensive sex education can prevent many health issues and encourage healthy habits in various aspects of life. Minimizing sex education curricula means young people who are not fortunate enough to have sexually accepting and knowledgeable parents will have to learn on their own while risking their sexual health.
Conservatives’ irrational fear of healthy relationships being formed between members of same sex and non-binary gender identities, along with their false beliefs of comprehensive sex education encouraging reckless sex, are putting children at risk — including their own. What may hurt their kids is delaying essential education, as well as restricting exposure to healthy homosexual love or confident transgender people. The exclusion of proper sex education may leave people with irreversible consequences, such as unwanted pregnancy, HIV or sexual trauma.
Children should be set up for success, not put in a position where they have to rely on misinformation or the internet to be taught healthy sexual habits.
— How these terms changed and why states now want to define them
Transgender rights advocates rally at the Kansas capitol, Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2024. In 2023, the state enacted a measure that says there are two sexes, male and female, based on a person’s “biological reproductive system” at birth.
This year, 17 state legislatures sought to narrowly define “sex” or “gender” in state law as based solely on biological characteristics. In Utah, one became law.
Although they’re sometimes used synonymously, “sex” and “gender” have different meanings to medical professionals. Sex traditionally refers to one’s biological characteristics, whereas gender is how a person identifies.
Laws redefining sex in state law could require driver’s licenses and identifying documents to display a person’s sex assigned at birth, a policy that transgender advocates say would lead to discrimination.
After decades of creating laws that assumed “sex” and “gender” were synonymous, lawmakers across the country are taking another look at how states define those terms.
Scientific and legal interpretations of these words have evolved considerably in the past century. Today, medical experts understand biological sex assigned at birth as more complex and consider it distinct from gender identity.
In 2020, the Supreme Court also broadened its understanding of sex discrimination in employment to include discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
Grappling with this cultural, scientific, and legal shift in the meaning of “sex” and “gender,” lawmakers in some states have tried defining the terms narrowly in state law as biological and binary. In 2023, four states passed such laws and, this year, 17 states introduced bills defining “sex.” Some bills in Florida and West Virginia were defeated, but 15 bills are still advancing in states across the country.
This focus on terminology may seem rhetorical, but these legislative changes can restrict access to driver’s licenses and documents that match a person’s gender identity. Transgender rights advocates say that requiring IDs to match the sex a person was assigned at birth can expose transgender Americans to discrimination.
So, how do we understand these terms, and what could these definitions mean for everyday life once codified?
How have the terms ‘sex’ and ‘gender’ evolved?
Until the mid-20th century, Americans’ understanding of “sex” was largely biological and binary.
“For a substantial time period, law in the United States defined identity categories, such as race and sex, in biological terms,” said Darren Hutchinson, an law professor at Emory University law professor.
In the 1950s and ’60s, psychological research emerged that differentiated biological sex from “gender.” Researchers coined terms such as “gender roles” as they studied people born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that didn’t fit the typical definitions of male or female and observed how children sometimes developed identity distinct from their biological sex.
By the early 1960s, the term “gender identity” began appearing in academic literature. By 1980, “gender identity disorder of childhood” was included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’ third edition. This inclusion signaled that the concept of gender identity “was part of the accepted nomenclature being used,” said Dr. Jack Drescher, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University.
Before the 1970s, the word “gender” was rarely used in American English, according to research by Stefan Th. Gries, a linguistics professor at the University of California, Santa Barbara. He said evidence suggests it was used mostly when discussing grammar to describe the “gender” of a noun in Spanish, for example.
Edward Schiappa, a professor of communication and rhetoric at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, observed in his book “The Transgender Exigency” that the rising use of “gender” in English coincided with the term’s introduction into psychological literature and its adoption by the feminist movement. Feminists saw the term as useful for describing the cultural aspects of being a “woman” as different from the biological aspects, he said.
After the 1980s, gender’s term usage rose rapidly, moving beyond academic and activist circles. In common American English, “sex” and “gender” began to be used more interchangeably, including in state law — sometimes even in the same section of the law.
In Florida’s chapter on driver’s licenses, for example, the section on new license applications uses “gender,” but the section on replacement licenses uses “sex.”
Modern legal and scientific views of ‘sex’ and ‘gender’
Sex is a biological category determined by physical features such as genes, hormones and genitalia. People are male, female or sometimes have reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit the typical definitions of male or female, often called intersex.
Our legal understanding of “sex discrimination” has also evolved.
In 2020, the Supreme Court decided Bostock v. Clayton County, a series of cases in which employers were accused of firing employees for being gay or transgender. The court held that this was a form of “sex discrimination” prohibited under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Whether the court will extend this interpretation to other areas of federal law is unclear, legal experts told us.
How have lawmakers responded to this shift?
Recently, lawmakers have tried to codify their understandings of “sex” and “gender” into law.
In some cases, these laws aim to recognize and protect transgender Americans. The Democratic-backed Equality Act, which passed the House, but not the Senate, in 2019 and 2021, would have federally protected against discrimination based on sex, sexual orientation and gender identity. Some states have passed similar equality legislation, creating a patchwork of anti-discrimination protections for LGBTQ+ people.
But lawmakers in many Republican-led states have proposed narrow definitions of sex and gender that would apply to large sections of state law. “Women and men are not identical; they possess unique biological differences,” Iowa’s Republican governor, Kim Reynolds said in a press release detailing her support for the state’s version of such a bill. She added, “This bill protects women’s spaces and rights afforded to us by Iowa law and the Constitution.”
Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds speaks July 28, 2023, at the Republican Party of Iowa’s 2023 Lincoln Dinner in Des Moines, Iowa.
Opponents reject the idea that the bills relate to women’s rights and claim the bills are an attempt to “erase” legal recognition of transgender people.
The Kansas Legislature, for example, passed the “Women’s Bill of Rights” overriding Democratic Gov. Laura Kelly’s veto. The law says that “pursuant to any state law or rules and regulations … An individual’s ‘sex’ means such individual’s biological sex, either male or female, at birth.”
The law defines male and female as based on whether a person’s reproductive system “is developed to produce ova,” or “is developed to fertilize the ova of a female.”
The Kansas law also states that “distinctions between the sexes with respect to athletics, prisons or other detention facilities, domestic violence shelters, rape crisis centers, locker rooms, restrooms and other areas where biology, safety or privacy are implicated” are related to “important governmental objectives” a condition required under the equal protection clause of the U.S. Constitution’s 14th Amendment.
Rose Saxe, lawyer and deputy project director of the LGBTQ and HIV project at the American Civil Liberties Union, said the Kansas law does not explicitly require those spaces to be segregated by “sex” as the bill defines, but tries to justify policies that would do so.
Current bills defining ‘sex’
This year, 17 more states considered bills that would narrowly define “sex” and/or “gender” in state law according to the ACLU’s anti-LGBTQ legislation tracker. One, Utah, signed a definition into law, and 10 other states are advancing 15 bills combined. In the remaining six states, the bills were carried over to next year or defeated.
The Utah State Capitol is viewed March 1, 2024, in Salt Lake City.
Some bills, such as Arizona’s S.B. 1628 change the terms for the entire statute: “This state shall replace the stand-alone term ‘gender’ with ‘sex’ in all laws, rules, publications, orders, actions, programs, policies, and signage,” it reads. The state Senate passed the bill 16-13 on Feb. 22, along party lines with Republicans in favor.
Other bills, such as Idaho’s H.B. 421, don’t replace the word “gender” but declare it synonymous to “sex.” Gender, when used in state law, “shall be considered a synonym for ‘sex’ and shall not be considered a synonym for gender identity, an internal sense of gender, experienced gender, gender expression, or gender role,” reads the text of the bill, which passed the Idaho House 54-14 on Feb. 7.
Saxe said the bills could have a cascading effect on other laws.
Transgender rights advocates say access to identification that matches an individual’s identity and presentation is important. “If you can’t update the gender marker on your ID, you are essentially outed as transgender at every turn,” said Rodrigo Heng-Lehtinen, executive director of the National Center for Transgender Equality to PolitiFact for a previous story on drivers licenses in Florida. This can happen during interactions with potential landlords, employers, cashiers, bartenders and restaurant servers.
“Even in the states that have passed these bills,” said Paisley Currah, a political science professor at the City University of New York, “there’s still going to be these contradictions,” because a person’s driver’s license might not match the gender on their passport, for example.
“Unless you’re a prisoner or immigrant or you are in the Army, the government actually doesn’t get to look at your body,” said Currah, who wrote a book on how government agencies address “sex” categories. “It’s always some doctor that signs a letter … and so there’s always a document between your body and the state.”
How these sex-defining laws would affect state agencies remains to be seen. And the laws may face court challenges, likely on the grounds that they violate the Equal Protection Clause or right to privacy, Saxe said.
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