What is consent? Consent is a key component of all healthy relationships. What you are or are not comfortable with in a sexual experience can change over time. Thus, it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner while also checking to see what their needs are.
Consent culture, where people in a community feel empowered to freely make decisions regarding their own comfort as it pertains to their sexual experiences, is created through open dialogue about sex.
As part of a continuous effort to bring that conversation to the BU community, Student Health Services hosted an event for incoming students at Orientation called Cones for Consent. The event was originally established by SHS’ Sexual Assault Response & Prevention Center (SARP). Students completed a quick survey and got free ice cream in exchange! As a Student Health Ambassador, talking with students about such an important topic at a fun event like this was nice. Being able to chat with such a large portion of the student body over a popsicle was a great way to close out the summer. Our discussions and the array of anonymous survey responses helped us better understand how BU students think about consent.
Here’s What Students Responded With:
“Consent culture means having respect for others’ boundaries.”
Defining boundaries is an important part of establishing a healthy relationship, and respecting them ensures that everyone feels safe and comfortable.
“It means that you openly communicate with your partner.”
Open communication empowers partners to discuss what they like, dislike, and everything in between.
“Creating consent culture lets us feel safe and empowered on campus.”
Consent culture makes the campus community a better place for us all!
“Consent is always an enthusiastic yes that can be taken back at any time.”
Consent should always be freely given. If a person feels uncomfortable or can’t give consent, stop what you’re doing.
Through the survey, students showed that consent culture is important to them as members of the BU community – so how can you encourage the development of consent culture in your own relationships?
Here are a few tips to help you get started!
Have a conversation with yourself:
It isn’t always easy to know what you want. That’s why it’s important to take time and reflect on what you’re comfortable with.
Consider what ideas you may have surrounding sex in general. These are often shaped by past experiences, but you’re the only one who can know what’s best for you!
Understand what boundaries are:
Boundaries are guidelines/limits that help you feel comfortable and safe. These boundaries should be respected.
Over time, boundaries can change. This is completely normal! It’s important to revisit them as time passes, just to check in and see if anything has changed.
Boundaries can be set regarding a large number of things. Examples include:
Using condoms when having sex
Getting screened for STIs before having sex
Types of sexual activities that you are comfortable (or not comfortable) with
How to have the conversation:
Clearly communicating your needs and wants will help everyone be on the same page.
Here are some fill-in-the-blank guides for communicating boundaries:
Before we have sex, I think it’s important for us to both get screened for STIs. It’s important to me, and will make me feel safe.
Just FYI, since we’re going out tonight, I don’t want to have sex if we’ve been drinking. It makes me feel ________.
I don’t feel comfortable with ______. If you’re not okay with that, we shouldn’t have sex.
AddressingConsent and boundaries in the moment:
You might think you’re okay with something, and then once you’re in the moment, it may not feel right. That’s okay, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected. Don’t be afraid to verbalize that.
“No” is a full sentence – you don’t need to give a reason or justification.
If you hear “no” during sex, stop what you’re doing and check in with your partner. Boundaries are not a one-and-done conversation. It can take time to fully discuss everyone’s boundaries, and that’s okay!
With a large amount of misinformation on the internet it can be hard *excuse the pun* to know what is fact and what is myth about our bodies.
And when it comes to the male anatomy, particularly the penis, there are plenty of misconceptions that are so common we take them as truth.
Well, Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, has agreed to help Metro bust some myths around the phallus, so you are left satisfied with the answers.
Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.
‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.
There’s a lot of misinformation about the penis but we’ve got the truth
‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.
‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’
Myth 2: Penis length correlates with hand size
We’ve all heard it. People jokingly checking if their partner has big hands or big feet because “you know what that means”, but that’s actually a fruitless exercise.
And, we might add, one that doesn’t matter anyway.
Danae says: ‘There’s no reliable way to link somebody’s hand or foot size to their penis size — there’s no scientific evidence behind it to prove it.
‘I’m not entirely sure where the myth came from, I think it’s probably observational, where people noticed it and shared it with one another.’
Myth 3: All circumcised penises are less sensitive
Now, for those of us who do not have a penis, it’s not like we can be an authority on this topic, but we can tell you what the science says.
Danae tells Metro: ”The literature on this is mixed and every person will have a different experience.
‘There are some studies that say yes, there are men who experience reduced sensation. But there have been other studies done where men don’t report reduced sensation or functionality.
‘It’s not my place to tell someone with a penis how they do and don’t feel, but the scientific literature shows that not everybody who undergoes a circumcision experiences reduced sensation.’
Can circumcision reduce chances of acquiring SITs?
According to the Centre for Disease Control in America male circumcision can reduce a male’s chances of acquiring HIV by 50% to 60% during heterosexual contact with female partners with HIV.
‘Circumcised men compared with uncircumcised men have also been shown in clinical trials to be less likely to acquire new infections with syphilis (by 42%), genital ulcer disease (by 48%), genital herpes (by 28% to 45%), and high-risk strains of human papillomavirus associated with cancer (by 24% to 47% percent),’ it says.
However, ‘in the UK male circumcision is not medically recommended unless there’s a medical reason,’ Danae adds.
‘It’s important to note that the UK (NHS) and the US (CDC) differ on this point. In the UK, routine male circumcision is not considered a way of reducing STI risk.’
Speaking to the BBC, Dr Colm O’Mahony, a sexual health expert from the Countess of Chester Foundation Trust Hospital in Chester, said the US pushing circumcision as a solution sends the wrong message.
Keith Alcorn, from the HIV information service NAM, also warned: ‘We have to be careful not to take evidence from one part of the world (in this case Uganda) and apply it uncritically to others.
‘Male circumcision will have little impact on HIV risk for boys born in the UK, where the risk of acquiring HIV heterosexually is very low.’
Myth 4: Lengthening exercises can make your penis longer
Penis lengthening exercises, colloquially known as ‘jelqing’ refer to stretching the penis either with your hands or weighted devices.
‘Some of these things they do, where they take a flaccid penis and they grip the head and pull it in different directions, that can create micro tears and create more damage to the penis,’ says Danae.
‘People think these tears will fill up with scar tissue and make their penis bigger, but that’s just not true. Handling it so aggressively can cause injury and won’t make it bigger, there’s nothing scientific to back this up.’
Danae says this doesn’t apply to men who suffer with conditions like Peyronie’s disease, ‘where the penis gets an abnormal curvature’ who may need similar treatments, but for healthy men this shouldn’t be done.
‘This is where self-love and acceptance and trying to debunk the myths and stereotypes around what’s most important about penis’ — penis size, partner satisfaction — is important and it’s about accepting yourself,’ adds Danae.
‘Penis stretching is an unproven practice. There are certain exercises or devices that are thought to increase the length or girth of the penis. None of these are scientifically proven to result in any long term penile lengthening.’
A sexologist said her kinky clients do a lot more planning around sex than the vanilla ones.
Shamrya Howard told Insider non-kinky couples can learn a lot from those who are kinkier.
Tips include frequent communication and starting foreplay for the next round at the end of sex.
You might think that kinky sex is as spontaneous as it is unconventional. But a sexologist told Insider that her kinky clients do a lot more planning than those who are more vanilla when it comes to sex, and that groundwork pays off in a way that we could all benefit from.
Shamyra Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist, realized that it was her kinkier clients who tended to discuss and plan their sexual encounters, even though scheduling sex is commonly seen as a marker of a stale sex life, and that this made having sex easier and better.
Here are three things that Howard thinks the kink community does that could improve sex for non-kinky couples.
Scheduling time for sex
Kinky sex often requires some forward planning and organization, because it can involve other people, locations outside of the home, and specific equipment. For example, you might schedule a “playdate” or “play party” to have sex with another couple, or need a costume and a free house for roleplay.
Some couples might just engage in sexual play or a kink rather than any sex acts during this scheduled time, Howard said, which allows them to be intimate without the pressure of sex and helps “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.”
This can in turn improve sex when it does happen, because it allows partners to prepare emotionally and physically, which can make sex more enjoyable, she said.
If scheduling sex sounds too formal, Howard previously told Insider that “erotic time zones” are a less rigid way of letting your partner know when you might be up for sex.
Practicing aftercare
Aftercare involves checking in with each other after sex or play to make sure everyone was comfortable, and attending to your partners’ needs so the experience has a fulfilling end. Kinky couples who practice things such as BDSM using ropes and whips might need to tend to cuts and bruises after sex too, or it might be necessary to have some affection and conversation to reset from a consensually aggressive scenario.
But any couple can benefit from aftercare, even if it’s just fetching the other person a heated blanket or tea if they like to feel warmth after sex, Howard said.
“Aftercare can be a game changer for couples who struggle with a desire discrepancy or couples who don’t feel as connected in their sexual relationship,” Howard said, referring to a mismatch in times when different partners want sex. This is because aftercare can help partners feel closer emotionally after sex, even if they haven’t been so connected outside of the bedroom.
Howard said: “Foreplay begins at the end of your last sexual encounter, so aftercare prepares you for your next sexual experience.”
‘Using your mouth’ to communicate more about sex
Kink culture is very hot on consent and communication — for example, safe words are used to signal when something is too rough and there can be strict rules around touching at play parties.
Howard said that her kinkier clients are often therefore much better at talking about sex. “They have to have more open communication because it’s built into the negotiation of their kinks,” she said.
Plus, you can easily incorporate discussing what you enjoyed into aftercare, to make sex better next time.
“Use your mouth,” Howard said, “figure out what your partner likes, whether that’s kinky or not. That’s going to be the key to having better sex.”
Elagabalus ruled as Roman emperor for just four years before being murdered in AD 222. He was still a teenager when he died. Despite his short reign, Elagabalus is counted among the most infamous of Roman emperors, often listed alongside Caligula and Nero.
His indiscretions, recorded by the Roman chroniclers, include: marrying a vestal virgin, the most chaste of Roman priestesses, twice; dressing up as a female prostitute and selling his body to other men; allowing himself to be penetrated (and by the bigger the penis the better); marrying a man, the charioteer Hierocles; and declaring himself not to be an emperor at all, but an empress: “Call me not Lord, for I am a Lady”.
Based on this quote, North Hertfordshire Museum has reclassified Elagabalus as a transgender woman, and will now use the pronouns she/her. The museum has a single coin depicting Elagabalus, which is sometimes displayed along with other LGBTQ+ artefacts from their collection.
When writing about ancient subjects, from emperors to slaves, the first question historians have to ask is: how do we know what we do? Most of our written sources are fragmentary, incomplete and rarely contemporary, amounting to little more than gossip or hearsay at best, malign propaganda at worst. It’s rare that we have a figure’s own words to guide us.
Elagabalus is no exception. For Elagabalus, our principle source is the Roman historian Cassius Dio. A senator and politician before turning his hand to history, Dio was not only a contemporary of the emperor, but part of his regime.
However, Dio wrote his Roman history under the patronage of Elagabalus’ cousin, Severus Alexander. He took the throne following Elagabalus’s assassination. It was therefore in Dio’s interest to paint his patron’s predecessor in a bad light.
Sexual slurs and the Romans
Sexual slurs were always among the first insults thrown by Roman authors. Julius Caesar was accused of being penetrated by the Bithynian king so many times it earned him the nickname “the Queen of Bithynia”.
It was rumoured that both Mark Antony and Augustus had prostituted themselves for political gain earlier in their careers. And Nero was said to have worn the bridal veil to marry a man.
The Romans were no stranger to same-sex relationships, however. It would have been more unusual for a Roman emperor not to have slept with men. Roman sexual identities were complex constructs, revolving around notions such as status and power.
A bust of Elagabalus.
The gender of a person’s sexual partner did not come into it. Instead, sexual orientation was informed by sexual role: were they the dominant or passive partner?
To be the dominant partner, in business, politics and war as much as in the bedroom, was at the root of what made a Roman man a man. The Latin word we translate as “man”, vir, is the root of the modern word “virile”, and to the Romans there was nothing more manly than virility. To penetrate – whether men, women, or both – was seen as manly, and therefore as Roman.
Conversely, for a Roman man to be passive, to be penetrated, was seen as unmanly. The Romans thought such an act of penetration stripped a man of his virility, making him less than a man – akin to a woman or, even worse, a slave.
A man who enjoyed being penetrated was sometimes called a cinaedus, and in Latin literature cinaedi are often described as taking on the role of the woman in more than the bedroom, both dressing and acting effeminately. The implication is always that the way they dressed, acted and had sex was somehow subversive – distinctly un-Roman.
The word cinaedus appears in Latin literature almost exclusively as an insult — and it’s this literary role that is ascribed to Caesar, Mark Antony, Nero and Elagabalus. The power of the insult stems not from saying that these men had sex with men, but that they were penetrated by men.
It’s worth noting that these rules of Roman sexuality only applied to freeborn adult, male Roman citizens. They did not apply to women, slaves, freedmen, foreigners or even beardless youths. These people were all considered fair game to a virile Roman man, as uncomfortable a concept as that might be to us today.
Was Elagabalus transgender?
While the Romans clearly engaged in acts that we today consider gay or straight sex, they would not recognise the sexual orientations we associate with them. The ancient Romans did not share the same conceptions of sexuality that we do.
Many men’s sexual behaviour was what we would now term bisexual. Some lived in a manner we might describe as gender non-conforming. The concept of a person being transgender was not unknown. But an ancient Roman would not have self-identified as any of those things.
We cannot retroactively apply such modern, western identities to the inhabitants of the past and we must be careful not to misgender or misidentify them – especially if our only evidence for how they might have identified comes from hostile writers.
In attempting to fact check the sexual slurs and propaganda from the biographical facts, there is a danger that we lose sight of the fact that ancient Romans did recognise a huge variety of sexual orientations and gender identities – just as we do today. To attempt to crudely ascribe modern labels to ancient figures such as Elagabalus is not only to strip them of their agency, but also to oversimplify what is a wonderfully, fabulously broad and nuanced subject.
In the last installment of my series on male masturbation, we discussed problematic masturbation styles—how they can get in the way of satisfying partnered sex, and offered a surefire way to resolve these problems. This time around, I’d like to offer suggestions on how men can use different styles of masturbation to overcome certain dysfunctions, such as premature ejaculation.
Short Fuse Confusion
Here we have 28-year-old Marcos from NYC:
I may have premature ejaculation, meaning after I’m excited, I can’t hold it in (ejaculation) for more than a couple of minutes, which worries me regarding the pleasure I can provide… Suggestions, other than the eventual doctor visit?
The curious thing about premature ejaculation is that what constitutes “premature” is pretty subjective. Some men report that they can only last a minute or two, others say they can last only 15 minutes, but all consider themselves as premature ejaculators. I’m not trying to suggest that PE is a figment of one’s imagination. On the contrary; any guy who isn’t satisfied with the control he has or doesn’t have over his ejaculation may fall into this general category. In the same way, lasting longer, whatever “longer” might mean, is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. All you have to do is work at prolonging the pleasure.
Let’s start with how you masturbate, Marcos. If I had to guess, these sessions are speedy little affairs, right? A quick wank just to relieve sexual tension is a good thing, but if that’s all the self-pleasuring you do, it will interfere with your partnered pleasure later. Look at it this way: If your body is sensitized to coming quickly while masturbating, then that’s how it’ll respond with a partner.
I suggest that you reevaluate your self-pleasuring activities. Most, if not all of your masturbation should be dedicated to full-body masturbation. The object is to play with the sexual tension that develops in self-pleasuring, and to delay the your ejaculation for as long as you can.
As you become turned on you, build up sexual tension. Move the sexual energy all over your body as you stroke your cock. Touch and pleasure your whole body — feet, nipples, asshole, etc. Make the pleasure last as long as you can. As you approach the point of ejaculation, stop stroking yourself and concentrate your play on the other parts of your body. When the urge to come subsides, you can start stroking your dick again. Repeat the process ’til you can last 30 minutes. (By the way, some people refer to this as edging or edge play — coming to the edge of coming and then backing away. Get it? Got it? Good!)
The purpose of this exercise, besides the joy of getting off on your whole body, is to teach your body a different way to respond to cock stimulation. If you practice this method conscientiously, it will increase your sexual stamina both alone, and when you’re with a partner, too. Spread the sexual energy around. Concentrate on stalling your orgasm through the techniques you learned in your self-pleasuring. If you’re getting close to coming, pull out until you regain control; then resume. This will take some practice, but it’s worth the effort.
One final thing: If you’re concerned about the amount of pleasure you can provide, short fuse or not, I always encourage the men I work with in my private practice to look to pleasuring their partners before they even get warmed up themselves. But even after you come, you still have a mouth and hands and fingers with which to pleasure your partner, so there’s never an excuse to leave a partner unsatisfied, regardless of your own sexual response cycle.
Keeping the Genie in the Bottle
Now let’s turn our attention to two other masturbation styles—one that comes out of the Tantric sex tradition, the other comes to us by way of the world of kink. Both are similar to edging, inasmuch as they help gain control over our ejaculatory response, however, each of these practices evolved for very different purposes.
Tantric sex is interesting, if for no other reason that it distinguishes between orgasm and ejaculation; a distinction all men should know. Although they often happen at the same time, we are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating. In the Tantric practice of controlled ejaculation, men avoid ejaculating during masturbation (or partnered sex), making it possible to capture and extend the energy of orgasm. Refraining from, or holding off on ejaculation, men can actually become multiorgasmic. Learning to control the wave of our orgasmic energy without releasing that energy, or chi, through an ejaculation will at least give the practitioner a fuller, more intense orgasm.
Here’s how this works. If you take the time, you’ll notice that you have four distinct stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Knowing this, you can incorporate a couple of Tantric techniques to quell the rising tide. Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals.
Throw in a few Kegel exercises to postpone ejaculation as well. These contractions of your pelvic floor muscles will allay the approaching ejaculation.
You can also delay ejaculation by gently tugging on your balls down and away from your body.
Tantric sex is all about you being conscious of your full self in your sexual practices, alone or with a partner. Being aware of and controlling your breathing, your genital muscles and the build-up of sexual tension will allow you to last as long as you’d like. Tantric practitioners speak of opening one’s self to our higher “spiritual” centers of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder.
Finally, from the kinkier side of things there is a version of ejaculation control that is far edgier than what we’ve discussed so far. Here we have actual orgasm denial, which is often associated with cock and ball torture and/or chastity play. This is either self-induced or part of power play between a sub and his Dom. We’ll leave the power-play dynamic for another time. For now we’ll just look at this as a kinky masturbation technique.
Here’s a typical scenario. An edger will begin to wank like normal, but when he gets near to coming—he stops stroking. So far so good. But here is where the cock and ball torture may be introduced. The guy will often squeeze or slap his cock and balls till the urge to shoot subsides. Once the urge to come quiets down, he begins to stroke again. Stopping again whenever he approaches climax. He repeats this whole “stop and start” cycle, along with the CBT for as many times as he would like, so that when he finally shoots, if indeed he permits himself an orgasm, it will be much stronger and he’ll spew loads more spunk.
However, like all things edgy, you gotta know when enough is enough. I know a lot of men who edge and they swear by it. I also know that a number of these men are doing themselves a disservice, even harm, because they are practicing an extreme version of edging. In the end, despite the stand-up nature of our dick, it is a very delicate instrument. Intense edging, especially accompanied by nasty squeezing or slapping to quell the building ejaculation can be injurious. And if you overdo orgasm denial you can injure your prostate and seminal vesicles.
— The small blue pill helping end HIV transmission
Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) is used to prevent HIV transmission
By James W Kelly
Access to a preventative drug has led to a fall in the number of gay and bisexual men diagnosed with HIV, a leading sexual health clinic has said.
Health Security Agency (HSA) figures for London show the number of first diagnoses had fallen in this group by 3% from 2021 to 2022.
Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) is a “powerful tool” in ending transmission, 56 Dean Street clinic said.
However there was a rise of 17% in new HIV diagnoses in the capital.
The treatment which has been free on the NHS in England since 2020, involves taking the PrEP pill containing the drugs tenofovir and emtricitabine before having sex.
Uptake of the drug has been greatest in gay and bisexual men, the clinic said.
Consultant Dr Alan McOwan said: “Everyone should know about PrEP and its potential for preventing HIV.”
Dr Alan McOwan
Dr McOwan said it’s “really simple” to access PrEP
He encouraged anyone considered at higher risk of HIV to enquire about it at their local sexual health clinic.
Across England however, among gay and bisexual men, the overall reduced HIV transmission is not reflected across all ethnic groups.
Tarun Shah, who was diagnosed with HIV four years ago while trying to access PrEP, said the results were encouraging but more work was needed to target more at-risk people in accessing the drug.
He told BBC News: “A few months after enquiring about the PrEP trial, I ended up getting quite ill and it came out that I was HIV positive.”
Tarun said his experience accessing PrEP before his HIV diagnosis was “frustrating”
At the time, PrEP was only available on the NHS to a limited number of people during its trial and Tarun said he was unable to get onto it and could not afford the drugs privately.
He said he found it “frustrating” to think about his situation but added: “I’ve now been quite healthy ever since and it’s great to see that PrEP is now widely available to everyone.”
‘Many not being talked to’
The data for England shows new diagnoses fell by 17% from 2021-22 for white gay and bisexual men, while rises were observed among men of Asian (17%) and mixed or other ethnicity (25%).
Tarun, who is South Asian, said: “There are a lot of groups who don’t feel like they are being talked to in these conversations.
“The more people we can include, the better and I think it will be great that everyone has access to PrEP.”
While effective HIV treatment eliminates the possibility of transmission, Tarun said his partner taking PrEP provide them with a “double zero kind of safety”.
We’ve been talking about sex around my house a lot lately.
As my 10-year-old gets ready to enter middle school next year, he’s been getting increasingly curious about bodies, puberty, and of course, s-e-x. He’s not interested in having sex, he’s quick to inform me ― in fact, the first time I explained the physical machinations of intercourse, his initial response was, “I don’t know, I’d rather play video games.”
But he is interested in understanding sex, a circumstance that has led to a series of increasingly difficult-to-answer queries along the lines of “But what does semen look like?”
We’ve looked at a diagram of the inside of a penis together. We found out that the hole on the tip of the penis is called the “urinary meatus.” I finally convinced him that a man doesn’t pee inside a woman to make a baby. It’s been a wild time.
I try to answer his questions as honestly as is age-appropriate while using the clinical and appropriate terms for body parts and sex acts. Sometimes, I get a little stumped or tongue-tied by questions I didn’t anticipate, like when he asked me how old you have to be to have sex. (I came up with: “There’s no set age, but you want to make sure you’re emotionally mature enough to handle it, that you’ve found someone you trust enough to take that step with, and that you have the necessary information to do it safely. Also, sex should never happen between children and adults.”)
While it’s not always easy or comfortable to have these conversations, I love that my preteen feels comfortable with himself and unashamed to approach me with any and all questions about sex and sexuality. (Although I did have to tell him recently that it’s not necessary to inform me every time he has an erection.)
I have also, throughout his life, been careful not to assume my son’s sexuality; if we talk about the idea of a future partner, I refer to a potential “boyfriend or girlfriend,” “husband or wife.” He has queer people in his life, and he knows other kids with gay parents. He knows about trans and non-binary people, and he once told me a great joke that went: “What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.” The time he came home from school repeating what some boy had told him — “Boys can’t kiss each other” — I didn’t hesitate to tell him that, my dear, they can and they DO.
“What if my son does turn out to be gay? Wouldn’t my ability to provide LGBTQ-inclusive sex education be of dire importance?”
I am very much a parent who says gay, because my son’s sexual orientation (and potentially, gender identity) has yet to be revealed to me, and it’s imperative to me that he knows I will love and support him no matter who he turns out to be attracted to.
So, the other night, when he asked me if two men can have sex together, I had no problem telling him enthusiastically: “Of course they can!” It’s when he asked me HOW they do it that things got hairy.
Tripping over my words, I gracelessly gave him the main idea. (Clinically, and not in excessive detail, but he got the gist.)
Then I immediately started to second-guess my decision. I should have said something nebulous like, “People have different ways to kiss and touch each other,” I thought to myself, feeling the itchy discomfort I get when I overshare with another mom at soccer practice.
So later, when he thought to ask me how two women do it, I sort of pawned him off with a nonanswer and sent him to bed. (But not before he asked me if I had ever done it, to which I responded with a swift and only slightly panicked “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,” which I stand by.)
The next day, I was still thinking about our conversation and sitting with the vague feeling that I hadn’t handled it correctly.
In light of the “Parental Rights in Education” law passed in Florida, dubbed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in the popular lexicon, there has been a lot of talk about how supporters are assuming that discussion about the existence of sexual orientation or gender identity and related topics is somehow sexual in nature, and thereby inappropriate for children. That is wrong.
Knowing that some families have two mommies or two daddies is not sexual information. Small children don’t sexualise things in that way, and there’s nothing inherently deviant or inappropriate about knowing that LGBTQ+ people exist.
But what about when children are old enough to be taught about sex? (And experts do agree that these conversations are perfectly appropriate for children between 9 and 12, or even younger, especially considering they are on the cusp of puberty.)
If my son is old enough to have gotten a frank explanation of the mechanics of hetero sex, why did I feel so uncomfortable giving him the same information about queer sex? Especially considering that the sex acts engaged in by queer people are also performed by straight folks.
Somehow, when he asked me about two men together, the same information had just felt instinctually more, well, sexual.
I had to look at that discomfort. How had someone as well-intentioned and liberal and frankly not even entirely straight as me fallen into the idea that gay sex is somehow dirtier or less appropriate to talk about than straight sex?
“If my son is old enough to have gotten a frank explanation of the mechanics of hetero sex, why did I feel so uncomfortable giving him the same information about queer sex?”
And I don’t think I’m alone. When I started trying to research the topic, I found a lot of information on how to explain the concepts of sexual orientation and gender identity to children, but practically nothing about actually talking to them about queer sex, at any age.
And what if my son does turn out to be gay? Wouldn’t my ability to provide LGBTQ-inclusive sex education then be of dire importance? Don’t I want my son to be sexually prepared, informed, and provided with the information he needs to stay safe, no matter what his sexual orientation? Who would tell him about things like safety in anal play and dental dams?
Not necessarily the teachers at his school. According to the GLSEN 2019 National School Climate Survey, only 8.2% of students (including those who received no sexual education at school) “received LGBTQ-inclusive sex education, which included positive representations of both LGB and transgender and nonbinary identities and topics.”
As a high school junior who identifies as a lesbian told The Atlantic in a 2017 article on LGBTQ-inclusive sex education, “We were informed on the types of protection for heterosexual couples, but never the protection options for gay/lesbian couples.”
Despite my attempts to resist assuming my son’s heterosexuality, when I half-answered his questions about gay sex, wasn’t I assuming it was information he didn’t need? If I was truly considering the possibility that my son might not be straight, wouldn’t I have answered him differently? Pretty sneaky, hetereonormativity.
The more I Googled and the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I’d gotten it wrong. Luckily, this is no uncommon experience for a parent. I make mistakes all the time, and when I do, I think there’s great value in modelling my ability to admit it, take responsibility, and apologise.
So last night, around bedtime, when all the most important conversations seem to happen, I went back in.
“Last night, you asked me some questions about how two men and two women have sex together,” I told him, “and I think I felt a little bit uncomfortable, or nervous, and I didn’t really answer what you asked. But I thought about it more and I realised that if you’re old enough to know how straight people have sex, there’s no reason you’re not old enough to know how gay people have sex. So we can talk about the different ways that gay people have sex together, which, by the way, are also ways that straight people have sex together, and I will answer any questions you have.”
There was nothing dirty or inappropriate about the conversation we proceeded to have, and at the end, he just wanted to know which acts could result in pregnancy, which, hey ― is really important information to have!
He even made me proud when he pivoted from a reaction of “Wow, that’s so weird” to “Actually, it just wasn’t what I was expecting. I shouldn’t call it weird,” in less than 3 seconds with no prompting.
Maybe as importantly, I told him that I’d felt uncomfortable talking about all this because of a prejudice I had, and that everyone has prejudices, but we have to investigate them and try to move beyond them when they come up.
I hope that’s a lesson we all can take to heart because the core belief contributing to my discomfort around the topic of talking to my son about gay sex feels to me like it’s on the same continuum of the ideas fueling Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” and copycat bills.
To be clear, I do not think that we should be educating young children about how anybody has sex. But just as gay people are not inherently inappropriate, and education about LGBTQ topics is not inherently sexual, providing education about gay sex to children who are old enough for sex education is not any dirtier than providing them with information about straight sex.
And in the case of LGBTQ kids, it just may be vital.
— Taking the child’s lead during gender identity exploration
Following the child’s lead is key as they explore their gender identity, experts say.
Being supported is critical as children and adolescents explore their identity. It is the key to avoiding worsening mental health outcomes, research indicates.
Being supported is of the utmost importance for children and adolescents exploring their gender identity.
It is the key to avoiding worsening mental health outcomes, research indicates.
A group of local healthcare providers and doctors, Physicians for Diversity & Inclusion, have come together to stand with families of gender diverse children and gender diverse members of the community.
Dr. Ingrid Cosio, whose practice includes time spent at the Northern Gender Clinic in Prince George each week, provides specialized care to transgender and gender diverse persons living in the Northern Health region.
Only about 25 per cent of those exploring their gender identity before puberty go on to take the journey to transition and identify as trans, Cosio said.
“That gender diversity group who is exploring is much bigger compared to the group who ultimately, after puberty, identify as gender incongruent,” Cosio said. “But all the more important is that exploration piece be supported so they can figure that out.”
The key is to follow the child’s lead.
“If the child would like to try different clothing, a different pronoun, a different name or nickname, to see what that feels like then that’s great,” Cosio said. “I think that’s really important because it’s part of that reflection/exploration that is so key. So really it’s about observing them, creating a space where they’ll hopefully tell you if they want to explore.”
Parents can invite their child to talk about it if they would like to change things, Cosio added.
“I have some young folks who were assigned male at birth, they identify as female since they were two years old but want to keep their very typically masculine name – and they don’t want to change that and that’s totally fine,” Cosio said. “That’s what I mean about following the child’s lead – it’s not like ‘well, now you have to change your name’ – no, it’s like ‘what are you comfortable with?’ So I think there’s a lot of misinformation about children being told or being convinced they need to change pronouns or do this or do that. The key is taking the child’s lead and supporting them along that path to do that exploration because only they can do that.”
Support and love for the child no matter what, Cosio said, is the biggest part people can play.
Sexual orientation and gender identity (SOGI) programs in place in local schools helps educators make schools inclusive and safe for students of all sexual orientations and gender identities. At school, students’ gender does not limit their interests and opportunities, and their sexual orientation and how they understand and express their gender are welcomed without discrimination.
But if parents want to connect with the school, Cosio said, that might be a good idea if there are issues.
“This is something I would see 15 years ago for sure, much, much less now, but do go have a meeting with the school and talk about the goals and how to support your kid,” Cosio said. “That’s the main message.”
Gender diverse children and youth who received medical gender-affirming care over one year experienced 60 per cent lower odds of depression and 73 per cent lower odds of suicidality.
Gender diverse children and youth with supportive parents compared to those with somewhat or non-supportive parents have reduced rates of depression from 75 per cent to 23 per cent, reduced rates of suicidal ideation from 70 per cent to 34 per cent and reduced rates of suicide attempts from 57 per cent to four per cent.
Research has consistently shown very low rates of gender diverse children and youth de-transitioning after social and or medical transitioning, Cosio added.
Yaoi bondage is a subgenre of yaoi, a popular genre of Japanese manga and anime that focuses on romantic or sexual relationships between male characters. While bondage itself is a niche interest within the broader realm of BDSM, yaoi bondage adds a unique twist by exploring the dynamics of power, dominance, and submission in same-sex relationships. In this article, we will delve into the world of yaoi bondage, examining its origins, themes, and impact on both the LGBTQ+ community and the wider world of manga and anime.
The Origins of Yaoi Bondage
Yaoi, which originated in Japan in the 1970s, gained popularity in the 1980s and 1990s. It was initially created by and for women, providing an outlet for their fantasies and desires. Yaoi often features androgynous or feminine-looking male characters engaged in romantic or sexual relationships. The genre gained a dedicated following, both in Japan and internationally, and has since evolved to include various subgenres, including yaoi bondage.
The Influence of BDSM
Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism (BDSM) is a set of sexual practices and role-playing scenarios that involve consensual power exchange. BDSM has a long history and has been explored in various forms of media, including literature, art, and film. The influence of BDSM on yaoi bondage is evident, as it incorporates elements of dominance, submission, and restraint into the relationships depicted in the genre.
Themes in Yaoi Bondage
Yaoi bondage explores a range of themes and dynamics within same-sex relationships. While the primary focus is on power dynamics and the exploration of dominance and submission, there are several other recurring themes that are often present in yaoi bondage stories:
Trust and Consent: Consent and trust are crucial elements in any BDSM relationship, and yaoi bondage is no exception. The characters involved must establish a level of trust and consent to engage in the power dynamics depicted in the stories.
Emotional Intimacy: Yaoi bondage often delves into the emotional connection between the characters, exploring their vulnerabilities and desires. The power dynamics depicted in the genre can deepen the emotional bond between the characters.
Exploration of Taboos: Yaoi bondage pushes the boundaries of societal norms and explores taboo subjects. It allows readers to explore their own desires and fantasies in a safe and consensual manner.
Gender Roles and Identity: The androgynous or feminine appearance of the male characters in yaoi bondage challenges traditional gender roles and allows for a more fluid exploration of identity and sexuality.
The Impact of Yaoi Bondage
Yaoi bondage has had a significant impact on both the LGBTQ+ community and the wider world of manga and anime. Here are some key aspects of its impact:
Representation and Visibility
Yaoi bondage provides representation and visibility for LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly those interested in BDSM dynamics. By depicting same-sex relationships and exploring power dynamics, yaoi bondage helps to normalize and validate these experiences.
Exploration of Sexuality and Identity
Yaoi bondage allows readers to explore their own sexuality and identity in a safe and consensual manner. The genre provides a space for individuals to engage with their desires and fantasies, helping them to better understand themselves and their own preferences.
Artistic Expression and Creativity
Yaoi bondage has inspired countless artists and creators to explore new artistic styles and storytelling techniques. The genre’s popularity has led to the creation of a vast array of manga, anime, fan art, and doujinshi (self-published works) that push the boundaries of creativity and artistic expression.
Q&A
1. Is yaoi bondage only for women?
No, while yaoi was initially created by and for women, it has gained a diverse following that includes people of all genders and sexual orientations. The appeal of yaoi bondage extends beyond gender, as it explores themes of power dynamics and emotional connection that can resonate with a wide range of individuals.
2. Is yaoi bondage considered pornography?
Yaoi bondage can contain explicit sexual content, but it is not solely focused on pornography. The genre encompasses a wide range of stories, from romantic and emotional narratives to more explicit and erotic depictions. It is important to note that yaoi bondage, like any form of media, can be enjoyed for various reasons, including artistic appreciation, storytelling, and personal exploration.
3. Does yaoi bondage promote unhealthy power dynamics?
Yaoi bondage, like any form of media exploring power dynamics, should be approached with an understanding of consent and healthy relationships. It is essential to differentiate between fantasy and reality, recognizing that the power dynamics depicted in yaoi bondage are consensual and based on mutual trust and respect. It is crucial to apply these principles to real-life relationships and ensure that all parties involved are consenting and comfortable.
4. How has yaoi bondage influenced mainstream manga and anime?
Yaoi bondage has had a significant influence on mainstream manga and anime, particularly in terms of character design, storytelling techniques, and the exploration of LGBTQ+ themes. Many popular manga and anime series have incorporated elements of yaoi bondage or explored similar power dynamics in their narratives, broadening the representation of diverse relationships and identities within the medium.
5. Are there any controversies surrounding yaoi bondage?
As with any form of media that explores sexuality and power dynamics, yaoi bondage has faced its share of controversies. Some critics argue that it perpetuates harmful stereotypes or promotes unrealistic expectations of relationships. However, it is important to approach these discussions with nuance and recognize that yaoi bondage, like any genre, can vary greatly in its portrayal of relationships and power dynamics.
Summary
Yaoi bondage is a fascinating subgenre within the world of yaoi that explores power dynamics, dominance, and submission in same-sex relationships. It originated in Japan and has gained popularity worldwide, providing representation and visibility for LGBTQ+ individuals interested in BDSM dynamics. Yaoi bondage allows readers to explore their own desires and fantasies in a safe and consensual manner, while also pushing the boundaries of artistic expression and storytelling. While controversies and debates surround the genre, it remains an important part of the manga and anime landscape, broadening the representation of diverse relationships and identities.
Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.
1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal
“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”
2. Mood is often a factor
Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.
3. Have a medical check-up
It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”
4. Talk to someone outside the relationship
Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.
5. Be prepared to talk to your partner
When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.
‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’
6. Single people struggle with desire, too
It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.
7. Work out what desire means to you
“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”
“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.
8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other
“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.
9. A sex ban can be a good place to start
Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.
10. Looking back is crucial
As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”
11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy
This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.
12. Scheduling
This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.
13. Self-love is everything
“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”
14. Work on body confidence
This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”
15. Faking it can be counterproductive
Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”
16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual
“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”
17. Think about ‘sexual currency’
“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”
18. Write down things you want to try
This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”
19. Variety is the spice of life
Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”
20. Put down your phone
For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”
When it comes to sexual attraction, we all have our own specific things that turn us on. For some, a good sense of humor does the trick, while others are all about physical chemistry. Others still have more specific turn-ons, including feet. This attraction is called a foot fetish, and to answer some common questions about it, Allure spoke with some men who proudly have foot fetishes and professional dominatrixes. They have plenty of interesting things to say about our southern-most appendages, from explaining the whole spectrum of foot fetishes to the reason for all the foot love in the first place.
In our conversation, foot fetishists explain what foot worship is, they talk about their favorite pedicure colors, and dominatrixes talk about what they’ve learned from some of their clients. Even if you’re just interested in cute pedicures, Goddess Aviva, a New York City-based pro-domme, has plenty of foot-care secrets to share. And what better time to learn about all this than on I Love My Feet Day, a real holiday that occurs every year on August 17? Our feet carry us around all day and they deserve all the love they can get, so read on for a celebration of feet like no other.
What does a foot fetish typically entail?
“When someone has a foot fetish it means they sexualize feet to the point they become a strong trigger for arousal. For some, it’s as extreme as there needing to be feet involved in order to experience sexual pleasure or climax,” Goddess Aviva tells Allure. Though it’s not necessarily true for everyone with a foot fetish, she says that some people with foot fetishes need feet to be involved in a sexual experience to achieve sexual gratification. If feet aren’t involved, they simply aren’t interested.
As for what a foot fetish actually entails, she describes it as a spectrum. “On the gentler side, perhaps your partner enjoys kissing or massaging your feet, and on the more extreme side, you have foot-gagging, stinky foot worship, and trampling,” Aviva explains.
What is foot worship?
Kevin, a 45-year-old foot fetishist from California, explains that for some, it’s all about worshipping a woman by paying special attention to her feet. “I absolutely have a foot fetish and love massaging and worshipping women’s feet,” he tells Allure. When asked what his ideal fantasy is, Kevin says, “You’re soaking in my antique clawfoot tub after I’ve drawn a bath for you filled with sea salts and lavender oils, bubble bath, as you drink sparkling champagne.” That doesn’t sound too shabby.
If you find yourself dating someone with a foot fetish, you can likely expect many foot massages in your future. The fetishist may also share an exceptional love for pedicures, which is why pro-dommes such as Aviva put such care into their foot routines, and their efforts do not go unnoticed. “My favorite pedicure color is red or hot pink,” Brent, a 29-year-old from Rhode Island with a foot fetish, tells Allure.
How does a foot fetishist experience submission?
While it’s all about the love for some, for others, foot fetishes are more about being submissive and may involve humiliation. “Not only do I have a foot fetish, but I also have a bondage fetish. I love to be tied up, having no say at all, and having a mistress have her way with me,” Brent explains. Men such as Brent may enjoy being forced to lick and smell feet, ideally ones that are stinky and sweaty.
“There’s something special about forcing someone to massage, lick, kiss, and smell my sweaty feet, while I have their hands tied, a leash on their neck, and there’s no hope for escape,” says Ms. Tomorrow, a professional dominatrix based in Nashville.
Are some foot fetishists intrigued by shoes?
In conjunction with an attraction to feet, many people with foot fetishes are also into shoes, socks, and stockings — anything that wraps around the foot. “I have submissives who are very shoe-oriented. These submissives really get off on tying shoes and heels to their faces, to be immersed in the smell. They will also insert their penis (I mostly work with clients who have penises) into shoes, and use shoes as a masturbatory aid,” Ms. Tomorrow says. She elaborates that she has a few clients who are shoe specific: Some only like heels, others are exclusively turned on by old, dirty boots. A few of her clients prefer clogs, house slippers, ballet flats, or sandals.
Shoes aren’t the only wearable item of interest. “There is a wide variety of oddly specific foot fetishists — same can be said for sock fetishists,” Ms. Tomorrow tells Allure. “Socks stuffed into the mouth as a gag, dirty socks to be cleaned, even wearing certain kinds of socks can be a part of sock-focused kink play.”
Why are foot fetishes considered so taboo in mainstream society?
Though foot fetishes are sometimes thought of as taboo and those with them are often kink-shamed (especially those who lean toward the stinky, sweaty end of the spectrum described by Goddess Aviva), there’s another side to them many people don’t think about. You may relate to wanting to make your partner feel good by rubbing and massaging part of their body, such as their feet, or are excited about the idea of dating someone who wishes to do this to you.
Foot fetishes are just another way to be vulnerable with another human being when you get down to it. We walk around on our feet, all day long, and they carry us through most of our lives, and we ought to give them more credit. The intimacy of getting close to such an important part of the body is precisely what arouses foot fetishists, especially those who are also submissive.
“Physically being under someone’s feet is as low as you can be, which is a beautiful metaphor for power dynamic. I also love when my submissive can make me feel good with foot massage and worship,” Aviva explains. “Our feet carry us all day long, and they deserve a lot of love and care. It’s a beautiful thing when someone can give you that love and care as an exploration of their foot fetish.”
Now, regardless of your partner having a foot fetish or not (and regardless as to whether you have a partner or are totally single), is anyone up for a Netflix-and-foot-massage night? Happy “I Love My Feet Day,” everyone.
In 2022, University of Melbourne evolutionary psychologist Dr Khandis Blake estimated that among young people, “around 4-5 per cent of people might be involved in a polyamorous relationship, and about 20 per cent have probably tried one”.
Polyamory statistics in Australia are limited. But recent research in the US shows just over 11% of people are currently in polyamorous relationships, while 20% have engaged in some form of non-monogamy. In the UK, just under 10% of people would be open to a non-monogamous relationship.
“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write the co-authors of The Ethical Slut, a now-classic guide to non-monogamy (tagged “the Poly Bible”).
Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are the co-authors of The Ethical Slut.
When it was first published more than 25 years ago, shattered social norms and stigma around non-traditional relationship styles. Now in its third edition, revised to address cultural changes like gender diversity and new technological innovations (like dating apps), it’s sold over 200,000 copies since its first publication in 1997.
As a non-monogamous practitioner myself, I welcome literature that aims to destigmatise relationships that sit outside monogamy.
Sexual educator Janet W. Hardy and psychotherapist Dossie Easton, two self-described queer, polyamorous “ethical sluts” – friends, lovers and frequent collaborators – bring readers into their world of multiple partners and multiple kinds of sex. It encourages them to think about their own desires, and how they might be achieved in ethical ways.
Easton decided against monogamy after leaving a traumatic relationship, with a newborn daughter, in 1969. She taught her first class in “unlearning jealousy” in 1973. Hardy left a 13-year marriage in 1988, after realising she was no longer interested in monogamy. The pair met in 1992, through a San Francisco BDSM group.
Two years later, sick in bed, Hardy stumbled on the film Indecent Proposal, where a marriage crumbles after millionaire Robert Redford offers a madly-in-love (but struggling with money) married couple, played by Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore, a million dollars for one night with Demi.
“A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me,” Hardy told Rolling Stone. “I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.” And so she reached out to Easton to propose they collaborate on a book on non-monogamy.
The Ethical Slut is a significant guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships and polyamory – responsibly and thoughtfully. It’s aimed at readers exploring non-monogamy, or supporting loved ones to do so.
What is The Ethical Slut?
The book is divided into four parts, each offering mental exercises to help readers embrace a sexually diverse lifestyle. It aims to support those interested in exploring non-monogamous relationships, free from stigma or shame.
The first part offers an overview of non-monogamy. An ethical slut approaches their relationships with communication and care for their partner(s), whether casual or committed, while staying true to their desires.
In the second part, the authors urge readers to break free from the “starvation economy” mindset, which conditions us to think love and intimacy are scarce resources. This is what leads to fear and possessiveness in dating, sex and relationships, they explain.
In part three, readers learn how to handle jealousy and insecurity, while managing conflicts effectively.
Finally, the authors cover various non-monogamous sexual practices. There are tips for navigating swinging and open relationships as a single person, group sex (orgies), and advice on asking for what you want in a sexual encounter.
‘Everything’s out on a big buffet’
The Ethical Slut’s appeal lies in its ability to help people shift their mindset about monogamy, in a society where other forms of relationships have often been deemed immoral. (Though this is changing.)
What I’m seeing among young people is that they don’t have the same need to self-define by what they like to do in bed, or in relationships, like my generation did. Everything’s out on a big buffet, and they try a little of everything.
Ezra Miller has talked about his ‘polycule’.
Five years later, in 2023, many celebrities openly identify as polyamorous. Ezra Miller has talked about his “polycule” (a network of people in non-monogamous relationships with one another), musician Yungblud has called himself polyamorous, and Shailene Woodley has been in and out of open relationships.
Books like Neil Strauss’s The Game (2005) view sex and relationships as ongoing competitions, requiring varied strategies to effectively land a partner. Instead, The Ethical Slut encourages developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty. Relationships are seen as fluid and open to change, with endings viewed as opportunities for growth and development, not failures.
Rather than teach readers to mimic a social norm that will “win” them sex or relationships, The Ethical Slut pushes readers to think beyond what is “normal”.
Dating apps like Feeld, PolyFinda and OkCupid enable individuals to link profiles with their partners, promoting transparency and openness about their relationship status and desire for diverse sexual experiences.
And more books with varied and nuanced takes on non-monogamy have emerged since 1997, such as More than Two, Opening Up and Many Love.
A utopian mirage?
There’s much to appreciate in the messages The Ethical Slut conveys. However, it’s framed with a utopia in mind – one that doesn’t quite exist.
A key aspect of this book is challenging the starvation economy that influences monogamous relationships. In an ideal world, breaking free from this mindset about love and intimacy seems like paradise. The idea of loving more than one person is beautiful, connected and certainly achievable. But it’s also a significant challenge.
For many, longing for love and connection is not just a concept but a real, lived experience. Withholding affection in relationships can be emotionally abusive and manipulative. It’s essential to recognise non-monogamous people may still be susceptible to – or even perpetuate – these behaviours.
The authors present themselves as spiritually and morally enlightened in their non-monogamous choices and their sexual practices. Monogamy is framed as a negative byproduct of a regressive culture, rather than a genuine choice in its own right. Substance use is severely frowned on, echoing longstanding taboos around the use of drugs in sexual play.
The Ethical Slut frames monogamy as ‘a negative byproduct of a regressive culture’, rather than a choice.
The Ethical Slut makes universal assumptions about people’s experiences without considering broader social and personal influences. For instance, the section on flirting assumes a global understanding on what constitutes flirting cues between people. It lacks cultural, gendered and neurodiversity awareness.
Rejecting sex is not always easy
The authors assert “being asked [for sex], even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you”. Yet a simple “Thank you, I am not interested” is not always easy.
Research has shown women need to find ways to gently reject cisgender, heterosexual men to avoid violence (like “I have a boyfriend/husband”). And many men often do not take no as an answer. Thanking men for compliments can also lead to further hostility and aggression.
The authors advocate for women to say yes more, assuming women only say no due to shame and stigma. But the real fear of experiencing violence is a major deterrent. For example, recent research in the UK on recreational sex clubs has found that cisgender, heterosexual men may show sexual interest in trans women, only to immediately become violent with them.
These assumptions are echoed in discussions about barrier methods, sexual health testing, birth control and abortion options. The Ethical Slut assumes everyone has equitable access to sexual health education, and reproductive health services and products.
Yet the overturn of Roe vs Wade in the US has shown this is not the case. People who experience menstruation and pregnancy are increasingly losing – or never had – those reproductive freedoms.
Emotions are ‘choices’
The book envisions an idealised world where emotion and logic unite to challenge social constructs of monogamy, possessiveness and control. It’s underpinned by a belief our emotions (including jealousy) are choices we make about life events.
In The Ethical Slut, jealousy is solely attributed to the person experiencing it, overlooking its complexity in various contexts. Jealousy can be a sign of insecurity, grief or relationship issues, among other things.
Managing jealousy is presented as something an individual needs to address on their own. The book lacks guidance for dealing with partners who might contribute to jealousy by not fulfilling emotional needs, breaking boundaries, failing to communicating effectively, or purposely trying to evoke the feeling.
The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion, ignoring the role of the non-jealous partner. Suggested responses, like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I have to go on my date now”, reaffirm this mindset.
Jealous partners are advised to write journal entries, practice mindfulness or go on a walk to deal with their emotion. In a book about sex that is fundamentally about relations with others, jealousy becomes lost in the hyperfocus on the individual.
The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion.<
The book’s explanation that emotions like jealousy are normal and natural, may emerge unexpectedly and should not be shamed, contradicts the idea that emotions are choices. People don’t necessarily choose to feel grief, anxiety, insecurity or sadness. Intellectualising emotions as conscious choices does more harm than good.
The book also praises compersion, the act of feeling joy at your partner’s happiness – even with other partners – as a positive experience, possible when a partner feels secure. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don’t want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place,” says Easton. Yet the book provides little guidance in how this can be achieved.
Compersion can also be weaponised against those who experience insecurities, with statements like “if you were really poly/non-monogamous, you’d feel compersion for me”. Some have suggested compersion should be seen as a bonus, not a requirement, in non-monogamy.
‘A too-perfect picture’
Non-monogamists may face challenging conversations about emotional needs. The book’s advice assumes a certain level of emotional intelligence, experience and good intentions. It lacks guidance on dealing with emotionally unintelligent partners, malicious intentions, potential abuse, or what to do when conversations go terribly awry.
While I applaud the book’s push towards destigmatising non-monogamy, it paints a too-perfect picture. The odd sense of censorship is even there in its depictions of potential challenges, which seem cherry-picked to demonstrate a sense of ease with the lifestyle.
Stories about managing jealousy come to neat and tidy endings. One example is Janet’s story about falling in love with another partner and having the discussion about it with her “primary” partner. Her primary handles the discussion well and they go on to have a fulfilling relationship. There are few genuinely negative examples.
As a result, The Ethical Slut feels like it’s working to hide any potential downfalls to embracing a non-monogamous lifestyle. But providing examples of where things do not work and how people manage that could be quite useful.
Nevertheless, the book is an important introduction to non-monogamy. Perhaps it’s best used as a stepping stone for deeper exploration.
— Distinguishing gender identity and sexual orientation
The Gender Unicorn illustration explains the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity.
Sexual orientation and gender identity are hot topics that bring much controversy and misinformation with them, especially when it comes to youth. Dr. Cosio, Prince George physician, explains the difference.
Sexual orientation and gender identity are hot topics that bring much controversy and misinformation with them, especially when it comes to young people.
A group of local healthcare providers and doctors, Physicians for Diversity & Inclusion, have come together to stand with families of gender diverse children and gender diverse members of the community.
Dr. Ingrid Cosio, whose practice includes time spent at the Northern Gender Clinic in Prince George each week, provides specialized care to transgender and gender diverse persons living in the Northern Health region.
Cosio referred to the www.transstudent.org online tool called The Gender Unicorn to explain basic terms used when it comes to explaining the difference between gender and sexuality.
“So gender identity is what’s in the brain, in the sense that this is how you feel on the inside – your gender,” Cosio said. “So there is female, male, other. So you can have some of one – it doesn’t mean you’re less of the other.”
Gender expression is how you are presenting yourself, which includes feminine, masculine or other.
“You can feel male even though you were assigned female at birth but not feel safe to express it in any way,” Cosio said. “Or you could fully express that by cutting your hair and doing things that are stereotypically considered more masculine. So that’s your expression piece and that’s what other people are going to see when they look at you. So that’s very different than what’s going on in your thoughts in your brain.”
Sex assigned at birth are your chromosomes and what parts you are born with, Cosio explained.
Who you are physically attracted to are totally separate from gender identity. Sometimes these are divided into physical attraction and emotional attraction.
“So you can have any combination, so that means if a person is gender diverse, it doesn’t mean they are gay and a lot of people make that mistake,” Cosio said.
Cosio often finds those who identify as gender diverse, where things aren’t put in boxes so much, are pan-sexual which means they are attracted to the person, no matter what gender they are or what parts they have.
“It’s really about the connection they make with a person,” Cosio said.
If you’re sexually active, taking the antibiotic doxycycline within 72 hours of sex might help prevent an STI
Syphilis cases are surging in the United States, making ‘Doxy on Demand’ a welcome weapon against the disease
Taking doxycycline shouldn’t be a substitute for condom use, experts say
Data showing that the antibiotic doxycycline might prevent a sexually transmitted infection (STI) if taken soon after sex made headlines earlier this year.
As surging numbers of cases of syphilis and gonorrhea affect more Americans, here’s what you need to know about using the drug.
“If you’re actively having sex and not using condoms 100% of the time, which is the reality out there, this strategy could be appropriate for you,” said Dr. Christopher Foltz, an infectious disease specialist at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. “It comes down to each person’s individual risk level, something that you should discuss with your physician.”
He noted that syphilis, especially, has reemerged with a vengeance in recent years as a health threat.
“Syphilis has been climbing at the highest rate with a significant increase among pregnant women and men who have sex with men,” Foltz said in a hospital news release.
According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, syphilis cases among gay and bisexual men in the United States rose by 7% between 2020-2021.
Rates of new cases of the disease rose even more steeply among women: a 55.3% jump between 2020 and 2021, and 217.4% rise between 2017 and 2021 overall. That means more babies potentially being born with syphilis, as well.
You may not even realize you are infected with syphilis, Foltz noted, since in many cases it can lurk symptom-free for years. But left undiagnosed, long-term syphilis can cause blindness and neurological issues.
“That’s what we’re trying to prevent — these kinds of catastrophic long-term complications from undiagnosed STIs,” Foltz said. “If we can prevent infections with a relatively safe and easy-to-take antibiotic, the overall number of new infections will ultimately decrease.”
That’s why the new data on doxcycycline is so promising. A trial found that one 200 milligram (mg) dose of the drug — which has been used to treat other ailments for years — could prevent infection with syphilis and chlamydia if taken within 72 hours of a sexual encounter.
The strategy has even gained a nickname: “Doxy on Demand” or “Doxy PEP” (post-exposure prophylaxis).
The method isn’t foolproof however, and it’s no reason to forgo the use of condoms, Foltz warned.
“We absolutely encourage condom use to prevent against other STDs and HIV as an added barrier of protection for prevention,” he stressed.
Doxycycline is not advised for certain groups: Pregnant women and anyone known to be allergic to a class of antibiotics known as tetracyclines. Always consult with your doctor before taking any antibiotic.
— A new documentary jogs our cultural memory of the pioneering sex researcher
This image released by IFC Films shows Shere Hite in a scene from “The Disappearance of Shere Hite.”
The 1976 book “The Hite Report” was a bestseller from the beginning
By LINDSEY BAHR
The 1976 book “The Hite Report” was a bestseller from the beginning. Its intimate anecdotes about love, sex, orgasms and masturbation, drawn from anonymous survey responses from about 3,000 women across the U.S., challenged male assumptions about heterosexual intercourse. And it made its author, Shere Hite, a deeply polarizing public figure.
A glamorous figure who had once paid the bills by modeling, Hite quickly became a fixture on talk shows and news programs in the 1970s and 80s after the publication of her report.
Playboy called it “The Hate Report.” Erica Jong, in The New York Times, wrote that what the women “have to say is utterly fascinating and often surprising” and to read it, “if you want to know how sex really is right now.” Everyone seemed to have something to say about it, and her.
But cultural memory can be short, especially when it comes to pioneering feminists — even ones who have sold 50 million books. When she died in 2020, at age 77, it seemed as though she’d been all but forgotten.
“The Disappearance of Shere Hite,” a new documentary from IFC Films now playing in theaters, takes a holistic look at Hite: her life, her work, her impact and why, after so many books sold and so many feathers ruffled, she faded into the backdrop.
Filmmaker Nicole Newnham (Oscar nominated for “Crip Camp” ) found “The Hite Report” in her mother’s bedside chest when she was 12 not too long after it was published. At the time, she said, it felt like a portal into the inner lives of women. And over the years what those women said stuck with her in a way that so many other books didn’t. When Hite died, Newnham realized how little she really knew about her and started digging around, teaming up with NBC News Studios, which had a similar idea.
And some younger generations were aware of Hite, like actor Dakota Johnson, whose company TeaTime Pictures executive produced the film. “We love Shere Hite!” Newnham recalled Johnson and her producing partner Ro Donnelly responding. Johnson, who is a co-creative director for a sexual wellness company, also gives voice to Hite’s writings in the documentary.
“I thought this was really a way to look at a phenomenon that occurs over and over and over again in our society,” Newnham said. “Women who are iconoclastic and speak out and change culture or have new ideas often do get forgotten.”
Though Hite gave up on the U.S. and decamped to Europe in the early 1990s, she took steps to ensure that anyone who wanted to follow the breadcrumbs of her moment in the spotlight could. She sold her personal archives to the Schlesinger Library at Radcliffe, including personal writings, original survey responses, notes about methodology (which was one of the things she was often pilloried for in the media), and tapes of her television appearances.
“She had a policy of asking for a VHS tape if she agreed to do a television interview,” Newnham said. “The footage you see in the film was material she’d taped, otherwise many of those shows would have been lost to history.”
Many of the clips are uncomfortable, with both men and women challenging and dismissing her work, sometimes without even having read it. Seeing Hite walk out of an interview was not uncommon, especially after the publication of “The Hite Report on Male Sexuality” in 1981, which proved even more divisive. And things only got more difficult for her as the culture entered the “backlash” era.
“She was a complex, volatile personality and we didn’t want to shy away from that,” Newnham said. “She was so viciously pictured as a man-hater. And yet what she really was trying to do is lead an enterprise to free of both men and women from the tyranny of this very specific, rigid, patriarchal way of looking at sexuality.”
You must be logged in to post a comment.