Disabled Australians should be able to access sex toys, dating support and sex workers under the National Disability Insurance Scheme if they require them to live a normal life, a coalition of disability advocates says.
Four of Australia’s major disability groups argue the NDIS needs a “sexuality policy” to cover a broad range of needs such as adaptive sex toys, services from sex workers and sex therapists – as well as education about sexuality and relationships.
But the National Disability Insurance Agency, which administers the NDIS, says the scheme does not cover sexual services or therapies as part of its assistance to disabled Australians.
The agency recently launched an appeal against a tribunal decision that granted a severely disabled women access to a sex therapist under her NDIS plan.
People with Disability Australia spokesperson Matthew Bowden said it was a “human need” for people to be able to express their sexuality and have fulfilling sexual experiences, urging the government to show a “compassionate approach to a private and sensitive issue”.
In a new position statement, Disabled People’s Organisations Australia says disabled people date, have casual partners, marry and enjoy loving relationships like others in the community.
“Historically, people with disability have been subjected to societal beliefs that we are either asexual or hypersexual, while constantly being denied full autonomy over our own bodies,” says the alliance, which include organisations that represent women, Indigenous and multicultural Australians.
“While accessing services of a sex worker may not be for everyone, this option should not be denied or dismissed on the basis of disability, or the moral beliefs of third parties.”
Disability advocates stress that access to sexuality supports – particularly sex workers – would be considered on a case-by-case basis, and involve significant disability. For example, this might include someone with severe cerebral palsy who could not reach their own genitals.
Saul Ibister, president of Touching Base, an organisation that has been helping disabled people access sex workers for 20 years, said sexual expression was part of an ordinary life.
“The community does not expect people with disability to live the life of a nun,” he said.
In July, the Administrative Appeals Tribunal found the provision of a sex therapist was a “reasonable and necessary” support under the NDIS for a woman with multiple sclerosis.
The woman is in her 40s and was diagnosed with MS about 16 years ago. She finds it difficult to walk but has no loss of intellectual capacity.
The NDIA originally refused the woman’s request for “sexual release” but the AAT found in her favour. The government almost immediately announced it would challenge that decision, and an appeal has been lodged with the Federal Court.
Sex therapists do not touch clients but focus on issues such as how to adapt sexual activity to a disability.
An NDIA spokesperson said: “The NDIS does not cover sexual services, sexual therapy or sex workers in a participant’s NDIS plan.
“The NDIS can fund supports to enable [people] to participate in the activities they choose; however, the NDIS does not fund the private activity itself and does not generally fund the cost of private activities.”
As a nation, we’re getting less action in the bedroom than ever – and technology could be to blame. But it may also be the answer, says Rosie Mullender, who road tests the latest sex gadgets
There are three people in my relationship: me, my boyfriend Don, and Betty. She’s the female avatar he plays with on his PS4, and I often head to bed alone, while he stays up for hours killing aliens with gamers in a different time zone. Meanwhile, I’m happily having a passionate fling with Facebook, and both of us are seeing Netflix on the side.
We’re not the only ones whose sex lives have been interrupted by technology. Nearly all of us use some form before bed. Our always-on work culture is sending stress levels soaring, while online porn has been found to cause real-world relationship problems. Data analysed from the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles recently revealed that sex across the board in the UK is declining, with fewer than half of British men and women having sex at least once a week. This decline is most pronounced among the over-25s, and couples who are cohabiting or married (yep, that’s us). I sometimes get nostalgic about the days when we barely made it to the bedroom because the hallway was closer – rather than because we were watching ‘just one more episode’ on iPlayer.
But if technology is helping send the nation into a libido slump, could it also pull us out of it? Sex tech is a growing industry that is set to be worth £22m in revenue by 2020, and a new generation of toys and apps promises to help us get it on more often. So, which apps are most effective in encouraging us to reconnect with our partners instead of our screens? I asked four sex and relationship experts for their recommendations.
I thought Don would be excited by the prospect of trying them out, but when I asked him if he was up for it, he simply shrugged without looking up from his iPad. Oh dear, technology definitely owes us, big time, so let’s get started…
The sex-play app
‘Some apps, such as Kindu, offer a way to discover more about what you’d like to try as a couple,’ says Dr Pam Spurr, relationship counsellor and presenter of the Wham, Bam It’s Dr Pam! podcast. ‘An app can decrease anxiety when breaking free from your sexual routine and, for some couples, lead to more honesty and confidence to experiment.’
We download Kindu (free on Android and iOS), which lists a variety of sex moves we can tag as a yes, no or maybe. Afterwards, it reveals those we’re both interested in – and among the more vanilla ideas that match, such as getting a massage together, there are a few surprises. We’re both keen to indulge in a spot of bondage – something we haven’t tried since the early days of our relationship. It’s also a relief to find that Don is equally turned off by the thought of ‘hiring a professional dominatrix’.
‘I was a bit worried you’d want to try things I’m totally not into,’ he says, echoing my thoughts exactly, ‘so it’s good to see we’re on the same page.’ My main worry was that we’d use the app to hide behind our phones, instead of talking. But the real point of Kindu seems to be to spark conversation, which, as with so many things, is the key to great sex.
Sex factor: 7/10
The pulsing air stimulator
‘Womanizer was the first company to patent Pleasure Air Technology, and because its stimulators use air, rather than direct vibration on your clitoris, they’re gentler,’ says sex educator Alix Fox. ‘They also switch off when not in contact with your skin, making them great for couples who have children and might be interrupted.’
I order a Womanizer Premium (£169) and banish Don from the bedroom – realising that flipping through an instruction manual isn’t a huge turn-on, I decide to get to grips with it alone. The stimulation provided by the unit’s gentle suction and vibrations is like no other; it feels like an incredibly intense butterfly kiss. Don soon joins me and we play together. As the Womanizer is so gentle, I’m not shy to use it with him, and it leads us to be more tender than usual. Don’s verdict? ‘You seemed more confident and totally turned on, which got me excited, too,’ he says. It feels like a very grown up piece of kit, and one we’re definitely going to try again – once I find the charger, which I’ve lost somewhere under the bed.
Sex factor: 8/10
The mindful sex app
‘Ferly is an app that helps partners find new ways of being together, which aren’t necessarily sexual,’ says psychosexual and relationship therapist Kate Moyle. ‘Modern couples often struggle to make space to prioritise each other, and Ferly encourages them to do so.’ Costing £40 for a premium annual subscription on iOS (an Android version is coming soon), the app offers podcasts on topics such as the relationship between boundaries and pleasure, a series of ‘Sexy Stories,’ and practical audio sessions designed to help you connect with your partner.
We try Touch-4-Touch, which involves facing each other, focusing on our breathing, then touching ‘for touching’s sake’ – holding hands, tracing each other’s faces and gently scratching each other’s necks. The soothing voice on the app acknowledges this might feel a bit strange, and it does, at first. But it also encourages us to really ‘see’ each other in a way long-term couples don’t often make time for.
Although we keep our clothes on, those ten minutes feel surprisingly intimate and really relaxing. We don’t have sex afterwards, but fall asleep hugging. ‘I think you’re beautiful, and focusing on your face reminded me of those little details I’ve stopped noticing,’ says Don. Which is definitely what I wanted to hear.
Sex factor: 9/10
The hands-free vibrator
‘A relatively recent addition to the sex-tech field is a range of toys you can control remotely via an app,’ says family therapist Stefan Walters. ‘As well as being a great tool for long-distance couples, they can feel like a safe introduction if you’re new to the idea of using toys together. Although I’m not a sex-toy virgin, it occurs to me that I’ve never used a vibe with Don (the idea makes me feel a bit vulnerable), so a remote-controlled device sounds ideal.
I order the We-Vibe Moxie (£119.99, Lovehoney), a ‘cheeky remote-control clitoral vibrator’, and we both download the We-Vibe app. Connecting the vibe to my phone via Bluetooth, I attach it to my knickers, leave Don in the lounge and head to the bedroom. Inviting him to join in and control the device, we warm up with a bit of chat via the app. ‘New vibe, who dis?’ he asks, which makes me laugh and relax. Then, he switches the Moxie on, scrolling through different vibration modes and intensities. I send instructions – ‘stronger, lighter, next!’ – but he has ultimate control. Eventually, my chat dries up as things get more intense, so I’m disappointed when the vibrations stop. I wonder if our connection has dropped, but then Don comes into the bedroom to take over.
Sex factor: 7/10
Although big fans of using hands and lips in the bedroom, and frank conversation out of it, trying out new-gen sex tech was an eye-opener for Don and I. It helped us open up about what we want, as well as providing some new sensations. Don’s keen to try the Moxie again next time I’m away for work, and I’m keeping the Womanizer in my bedside-table drawer. The Kindu is a fun conversation starter, while Ferly is a reassuring space in which to explore mindful sex, and one we’ll definitely be returning to. The internet might be keeping us out of the bedroom, but sex tech could also offer the tools to encourage us back in.
When you think of self-care, you probably think of sheet masks, Sunday-morning meditation or Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations podcast. You probably don’t think of masturbation. And yet, it can decrease anxiety, improve your sexual relationship with your partner, and help you sleep better. And, it turns out women may even enjoy it more than men.
In her experience, women, on the other hand, are more “planful and more thoughtful with masturbation,” says Milhausen. “It’s more of a special occasion since they are doing it less often. Women may be setting the stage more — maybe they are finding some erotica to read, maybe they are using a vibrator.” An assist from vibrators during the act is also why some women are getting the most out of masturbating: The study showed that 54% of women used a vibrator during their last self-love sesh and 46% of these vibrator users said it was very pleasurable.
In a new study by Trojan (yes, the condom brand) and the non-profit Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN), researchers surveyed 1,500 Canadians between 18 and 24 years old. They discovered that while men masturbate more often — twice as many men than women said they masturbate at least once a week (65% of men compared to 35% of women) — women were more likely to report their last self-love experience as very pleasurable (38% of women compared 29% of men). According to Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor from the University of Guelph who worked on the survey, the male results could be a case of too much of a good thing (most men masturbate at least three times a week, she says). “I think that this generation considers it just another thing to do during the day without much thought,” says Milhausen. “It’s just an itch to scratch, just part of their routine.
Sex-educator, advice columnist, and founder of FindYourPleasure.com, Cynthia Loyst links the increase in women feeling comfortable to use toys and be open about masturbating to pop culture. “Over the past few decades, there’s been a huge surge in representation of female masturbation in mainstream media — from shows like Sex and the City, Girls, and You, to online magazines like Goop featuring sex toys and YouTubers giving full reviews [of vibrators]. Female self-pleasure has finally come out of the closet.”
There’s still work to do, she adds. The shame and stigma surrounding female masturbation is a reason both Loyst and Milhausen give for why women still masturbate less than men. For women who are still too embarrassed to engage in some solo fun, Loyst recommends reading erotica, watching ethical porn, sexting and investing in some lube as some easy ways to incorporate self-love into your self-care routine. Sheet mask optional
There are ~almost~ as many designs of sex toys as there are sex positions–trying to pick one that fits your preferences can be harder than finishing your first CrossFit WOD. But most can be relegated to specific categories. To our rescue, sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane (who’s been teaching sex toy classes at Good Vibrations and Pleasure Chest since 2001) breaks down 12 of the most common types of sex toys with info on the benefits and best-use practices for each. (Related: I’ve Tried 100+ Vibrators—and My Favorite Looks Like a Banana)
(Keep in mind: This list is far from complete—if you have Q’s about toys like nipple clamps, handcuffs, pinwheels, spreader bars, fetish gear, etc. don’t hesitate to ask the expert at your local sex shop!)
“Wand vibrators typically offer vibrations at a higher RPM, so they’re more intense than other vibes,” says Sloane. “They work really well for people with vulvas or penises who enjoy a strong sensation, or who have difficulty getting fully aroused without intense stimulation.”
Wand vibes can also be used for applying stimulation to your non-nether regions—they double as a back and shoulder massagers, a ~teasing tool~ to trace on someone’s bod, or a very intense nipple toy, says Sloane.
According to Sloane, clitoral vibes have emerged as their own category. They’re typically much smaller, less phallic-shaped, and are intended specifically for (yep) the clit. “These are best for people who like direct clitoral stimulation,” she says.
That said, there are a variety of shapes and sizes under the clit vibe umbrella. For instance, the Eva II by Dame has wings that wrap around the labia so that the bzzzbzzz is applied directly to your bud, while the Form 2 by Jimmyjane has little “ears” that can surround your button with pleasure. Or, you can go with a more straightforward bullet vibe like the We-Vibe Tango which looks like (obv) a bullet. There are also clit vibrators that look like everyday objects like lipstick and/or a necklace—fun!
Clit Suction Toys
True to their name, clit suction toys use air pressure to create a gentle sucking. “They’re a very, very different sensation than vibrators; people who really love oral sex or the feeling of a partner curving their tongue around their clitoris and folks who find vibration patterns too intense tend to like these,” says Sloane.
Sexpert tip: If you’re trying a clit suction toy because your clit is ultra-sensitive, first use it over your panties to warm up, then apply a dab of lube to the tip of the toy. “Super sensitive clitorises typically need more warm-up than going from zero to a suction toy,” says Sloane. Makes sense.
ICYWW, dildos are qualified as a dildo if they’re “anything vaguely phallic shaped that is meant to simulate penile penetration,” she says. They can be any length or girth—there are ones that are two inches and ones that are monster-sized.” She says that people who enjoy the feeling of being penetrated or like the feeling of fullness in their vagina or anus might enjoy dildo play.
Note: While dildos are meant to simulate penile penetration, that doesn’t mean that all dildos look like realistic penises. In fact, most don’t—there are even some that like icicles, tentacles, or candy canes. (That said, if you are looking for a realistic dildo, no one does it better than New York Toy Collective).
Butt Plugs
Butt plugs are great for experimenting with anal play. “They can teach your body to accept anal penetration and train your sphincter to relax around different sized toys,” explains Sloane. But, lest you think butt plugs are *only* a stepping stone to full-blown anal, she says, “they’re awesome for stimulating the ring of nerves around the anus.”
What’s the difference between using butt plug and using a dildo in the butt? “I tell people that dildos are more dynamic and meant to be taken in and out, while butt plugs typically go in and stay in to give a sustained, feeling of fullness,” explains Sloane. Plus, butt plugs have a flared base, which means they can be used safely without being attached to something like a harness. (See more about why butt plugs need a flared base here.)
Thanks to their slight curve or expertly positioned bump, G-spot toys make it easy to apply firm pressure to the G-Spot (which, yes, does exist). For your first G-spot toy purchase, Sloane recommends what she calls an egg-on-a-stick toy. “They’re great starter toys because they can be used internally and externally, for G-spot or A-spot play, and are typically pretty inexpensive.” She recommends the G Slim Classic by Blush Novelties (which is under $10!), or the Frisky by Doc Johnson (which is under $15).
A-Spot Toys
Speaking of the A-Spot—an erogenous zone a little further back than the G-spot and technically known as the anterior fornix erogenous zone—there are toys specifically meant for A-spot stimulation. Typically they look like long, narrow variations of the G-spot toys, says Sloane. For a vibrating A-spot toy, try the Lady Bi-violet by Fun Factory. And for a non-vibrating option try the 7.5-inch Pure G-spot Metal Wand by Njoy which Sloane says is A+ for A-spot play.
Rabbit Vibrators
A rabbit toy is a combo of an external vibrator and a G-spot toy. “It has an external part that usually looks like rabbit ears that provides vibration to the clitoris, while a second attachment goes inside the vagina for G-spot stimulation,” explains Sloane. She says this toy is best for people who find duel sensations pleasurable, or those who want to experiment with blended orgasms.
Shopping tip: “Make sure the toy you purchase allows you to control the vibrator patterns of both legs separately, because usually the G-spot and clitoris need different intensities,” she says. The INA Wave by Lelo and the Jack Rabbit by Calexotics are both good options.
Prostate Toys
Built for people with prostates (of the male sex, for the most part), the function of these toys is to provide direct sensation to the prostate—some vibrate, some do not. “They’re a slender, curved toy that’s similar to G-spot toys,” says Sloane. “They provide direct sensation to the prostate, and are a great option for people who want to explore prostate play but don’t want to use their hands.” Lelo is one of the best-known brands for this corner of the market. (Related: How to Prepare for Anal Sex, According To Experts)
Anal Beads
Unlike butt plugs which typically go in and stay in, anal beads provide the sensation of the anal sphincter opening and closing. “As you insert the beads, the sphincter opens up and then closes, giving you a teasing bloop-bloop sensation,” says Sloane. Maybe you’ve heard that pulling them out as you orgasm can create a more intense orgasm, she confirms that’s true—for some folks. “Other people like them because they have more mass to them, so can create a sense of anal fullness.” You can buy vibrating beads, like these VeDo Beads or ones that don’t, like these 50 Shades of Grey beads by LoveHoney.
Just remember, the anus is not self-lubricating, so you’re going to want to use a toy-compatible lubricant—and lots of it. For maximum glide, Sloane suggests lubing up the entire length of the toy, not just the first few beads. (Related: Everything You Need to Know About Lube).
Now, there are vibrating cock rings which offer the same effect, while providing a buzzy sensation to the wearer and the partner being penetrated. “They’re also a great way to turn dildos into vibrating dildos for strap-on sex,” says Sloane.
Oh, and she says these babies cheappp. Both Durex and Trojan make one for under ten bucks.
Glass and Metal Wands
These may look like G- or A-spot toys, but Sloane says, these deserve their own category. Why? “These non-vibrating wands are an awesome option for people who have discomfort or pain with penetration. They are frictionless and go in smoothly, and can be a great bridge to penetrative sex for people who need slower, more gradual dilation,” she says. (Related: Why You Might Be Experiencing Pain During Sex).
You can buy a sex toy in almost every shape, size, and color, but they still don’t run the gamut. The pursuit of personal pleasure largely excludes non-binary bodies. Fortunately, a handful of brands with a focus on gender-free sex toys recognize the need for improvement. Soon, anyone with the desire for some self-love will have a toy at the ready in the drawers of their nightstands.
“Making a sex toy gender-free makes it more accessible to everybody,” says Amy Boyajian, CEO and co-founder of Wild Flower. The adult store for sexual well-being will release its first gender-free vibrator, Enby ($74), at the end of this month. “We want to bring queer experiences to the forefront because gendering sex toys—or subscribing only to certain ways of using a toy—often leaves out queer bodies and experiences.”
“When we label a sex product ‘for women’ or ‘for men,’ it doesn’t take into account all of the people who don’t identify with those labels.” —Logan Levkoff, PhD
The marketing of personal pleasure products can also be damaging to those who don’t identify within the gender binary, according to Logan Levkoff, PhD, a relationship and sexuality educator. Much of the market stills splashes the toys in colors traditionally associated with being male or female (i.e., cotton candy pink and baby blue). And the slogans are no better. “When we label a sex product ‘for women’ or ‘for men,’ it doesn’t take into account all of the people who don’t identify with those labels and winds up preventing people from exploring their sexuality using these items, because of an assumption that it’s not ‘for them,’” Levkoff says.
Brands like Wild Flower—and PicoBong, the maker of another gender-neutral toy called the Transformer ($130)—are re-writing the rules. These companies design toys that accommodate the needs of every gender, and thus revolutionize the way people masturbate and/or play with their partners.
The inspiration behind Enby is one example. After going through a gender affirmation surgery, one of Boyajian’s friends shared that she had to throw out all of her sex toys and start over. “That was one of our light bulb moments: we wanted to create something that could take you through any transition, no matter your anatomy or identity,” says Boyajian. “No one should feel like their body or sexual desires are an afterthought.”
“No one should feel like their body or sexual desires are an afterthought.” —Amy Boyajian, CEO and co-founder of Wild Flower
The innovative curves of Enby reveal how it can caters to the sexual hotspots of every body. But Boyajian says the sexual creativity Enby encourages is the biggest source of pride. “We had folks of all anatomies and identities test Enby to ensure we were meeting all their needs. Many of them came up with even more creative ways to use Enby, so the possibilities are endless,” says Boyajian.
The hand-sized device really is a giant step in a more inclusive direction. And they’re only just getting started. Picturing the future of the industry, Boyajian sees a world where users—not brands—dictate the use of each device. “For too long, the sex toy industry has prescribed identities and preferences onto its users. When we give customers the room to explore, we’re creating space for them to prioritize self-love and pleasure on their own terms,” says Boyajian.
Rarely does traditional sex education tackle pleasure for pleasure’s sake, how to have sex for non-reproductive purposes, or the wide spectrums of sexualities, bodies, and genders that exist. Instead it tends to cover penis-in-vagina penetration only, pregnancy risks, and STI/STD transmission, leaning heavily on scare tactics that may not even work.
Traditional sex ed is failing us all, but when it comes to standardized sex education in the U.S., the LGBTQ community is especially left out of the conversation. A GLSEN National School Climate Survey found that fewer than 5% of LGBTQ students had health classes that included positive representations of LGBTQ-related topics. Among self-identified “millennials” surveyed in 2015, only 12% said their sex education classes covered same-sex relationships at all.
The good, and even possibly great news is that not being boxed in by the narrow definitions of sex provided to us via traditional sex ed means that we are free (and perhaps even empowered!) to build our own sex lives that work uniquely for us, our partners, and our relationships. But we still need some info in order to do so.
Let’s talk about what classic sex education might’ve missed about how to have sex if you’re queer, from what sex between queer people means to how to keep it safe and consensual between the rainbow sheets.
What Queer Sex Means and How to Have it
Redefine and self-define sex. Sexual desire exists on a spectrum just like gender, sexuality, and other fluid and fluctuating parts of our identities. From Ace to Gray-Ace to Allosexual and everywhere in between and beyond, check in with yourself and your partners about how they experience sexual desire (if at all).
Similarly, “having sex” can mean a million different things to a million different people from making out, to certain kinds of penetration, orgasmic experiences, etc. You get to decide “what counts as sex” to you which is especially true when it comes to sexual debuts — a necessary and inclusive term for self-determined first times that looks beyond the traditional, heterosexist version of “losing your virginity.”
Honoring the identities and bodies of ourselves and our partners with respect, kindness, compassion, and tenderness is crucial and can feel even more precious and rewarding when you’re queer. Truly pleasurable sex — regardless of your identity — starts with a sense of safety, clear communication, confident boundaries, active listening skills, and self-awareness.
Check in with yourself first. Active consent starts with knowing yourself and what your boundaries are. Though an important piece of practicing consent is asking your partner for permission and for their preferences, it can be easy to forget to ask yourself similar questions. What do you want out of a sexual experience? Where are you confident you don’t want to venture now, yet, or maybe ever? What are you super excited to explore?
This check-in can help you determine what you want from sex and what queer sex means to you. This is when you can think about experimenting with sex toys, whether you’re interested in penetration, and what kind of touch feels good to you.
Sometimes we don’t even know where to start if we’re not sure about what our options even are. Scarleteen.com or Girl Sex 101 (much more gender-spectrum-inclusive than the title suggests) are both great resources that can get some of your questions answered. You can also find more information here.
Name your own bits. Body parts, especially private body parts, can be complicated territory for LGBTQ folks, and understandably so. One of the main goals of sex for many of us is to feel good in our bodies. The first step to this can be feeling good about the terms we use for our body parts. Try on one or a few that might work for you, communicate them to your partners (especially new ones), and ask them how they like their bodies to be talked about or touched.
Gender roles are bendable roles. You don’t have to adopt traditional gender roles in sex unless you want to. Media mediums from PG-13 sex scenes to X-rated porn can create clear splits between what’s considered being “sexually masculine” (being the do-er, taking control, knowing the ropes) and being “sexually feminine” (being the receiver, being passive or reactive, being led rather than initiating the sexual interaction).
Just because you identify with being masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between doesn’t mean you need to act a certain way or do anything in particular in your sex life. You can be a Ferociously Fierce Femme, a Passive Prince of Pillows, a Non-Binary Take-Charge Babe, or any version of your sexual self that follows what feels good, affirming, and right to you and your partners.
Talk about sex outside of a sexual context. Talking about sex with your potential or current partners before the clothes come off can be a great way to keep clear-headed communication and consent thriving. Sexual interactions are vulnerable, exciting, and can get your body and brain functioning in all new ways. So, sometimes it can be easier to talk about your feelings about sex, your enthusiastic Yes-es, your definite No’s, and your curious Maybes over coffee or text first, in addition to in-the-moment communication about consent.
Make an aftercare plan. We know that consent, permission, and pre-sex talks are all important parts of a healthy sex life, but we can forget to think about what happens after we have sex (besides water, a pee break, and snacks, of course). This is aftercare — or, how we like to be interacted with after sex has ended.
Aftercare preferences can include what we want to do immediately after sex (cuddle? watch Netflix? have some alone time?) and can also include what happens in the upcoming days or weeks (check-ins over text? gossip parameters? is there anyone you and your partner definitely do or don’t want to dish to?).
No matter your aftercare preferences, a post-sex check-in conversation about how things went, what you’d love an encore of, and what you might want to avoid next time (if you’d like there to be a next time) is always a good idea.
Always keep it consensual. Consent starts with asking permission before any sexual touch or interaction begins, continues with checking in about how things are going, and ends with talking with each other about how the sexual interaction went overall so that feedback can be exchanged and any mistakes can be repaired.
True, enthusiastic consent thrives in a space where each person feels free, clear-headed, and safe to speak up about what their No’s, Yes-es, and Maybes are.
Safer Sex for Queer Sex
Hormones matter. Even though testosterone hormones can decrease your risk of unwanted pregnancy, folks on T can still become pregnant, so make sure to use condoms if sperm is likely to be in the mix. Estrogen hormones can slow sperm production, but if your body is still producing sperm, an egg-creating partner could still get pregnant, so put your favorite birth control method to work.
Starting or ending hormone therapy, whether it’s testosterone or estrogen, can impact your sexual response, your desire levels, your emotions, and even your sexual orientation — so don’t be surprised if these changes crop up. Find safe people to talk to about any complicated feelings this may trigger rather than keeping them bottled up.
Condoms aren’t a one-trick pony. Though the gym teacher might think that putting a condom on a banana tells students all they need to know about wrapping it up, they’re usually doing little more than wasting a high-potassium snack. Condoms can help reduce pregnancy and STI/STD transmission risk for all kinds of penis-penetrative sex (vaginal, anal, and oral) so they’re important to learn to use correctly. But, they can also be used in other ways. Condoms can be put on sex toys to help with easy clean-up, or if you want to share the toy with a partner without getting up to wash it (just put on a fresh condom instead!), and can even be made into dental dams.
Gloves are another important piece of latex (or non-latex if you’re allergic) to keep…on hand…in your safer-sex kit, as they can prevent transmission of fluids into unnoticed cuts on your hands and can protect delicate orifice tissues from rough nails or your latest catclaw manicure (Pssst: if your nails are extra long and pointy, you can put cotton balls down in the tips of your glove for extra padding).
Lube is your friend. Lube is a great addition to all kinds of sex, but comes highly recommended for certain kinds of sex. A good water-based lube (avoid the ingredient glycerin if you’re prone to yeast infections!) can add pleasurable slip to all kinds of penetration, is latex-compatible, and reduces friction from sex toys or other body parts.
Lube can also be put on the receiver’s end of a dental dam or a small drop can be added to the inside of a condom before you put it on to create more pleasure for the condom-wearer.
Anal sex especially benefits from lube as your booty doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina does, so it can be prone to painful tearing or friction during penetration. Using a thicker water-based lube like Sliquid Sassy for anal sex reduces friction, increases pleasure, and decreases chances of tearing which, also lowers risk of STI/STD transmission.
Sadly, no one is immune to STIs. Though it’s true that certain sex acts come with greater or lesser risk of STI/STD transmission, it doesn’t mean that certain partner pairings are totally risk-free. The Human Rights Campaign’s Safer Sex Guide (available in both Spanish and English) contains a helpful chart that breaks down the health risks associated with specific sex acts, complete with barrier and birth control methods that’ll help lower your risk.
Remember, some STIs/STDs are easily curable with medication, some are permanent-yet-manageable, and some can be lethal (especially if left untreated). So, knowing the difference and knowing and communicating your status are all important pieces of your sexual health. You can continue to lower STI stigma while reducing rates of STI transmission by keeping conversations about sexual health with your partners open and non-judgmental.
Sex toys need baths, too. When choosing sex toys, it’s wise to pay attention to the kind of material your toy is made out of. Medical grade silicone, stainless steel, glass, and treated wooden sex toys are all, for the most part, non-porous, meaning that they can (and should) easily be washed with soap and water between uses, between orifices, and between partners.
Sex toys made out of cyberskin, jelly rubber, elastomer, or other porous materials have small pores in them that can trap dirt and bacteria (kind of like a sponge), even after you wash them! This means that you could reintroduce dirt and bacteria to your own body causing bacterial or yeast infections for yourself, or you could pass bacteria or STIs to a partner via the toy. You could avoid these porous materials entirely (check the packaging to see what your toy is made out of) or you could use a condom on them every time like you would a body part.
Just another day at your friendly neighborhood sex shop
By: Emma Chekroun
Having a part time job in college isn’t uncommon. Some students wait tables, others have jobs through their university, and some, like Haydin Wellens, a junior at the University of Minnesota, work as a cashier at a sex shop. Similar to other students, Wellens goes through his week’s worth of classes before working eight to nine hours on the weekend. Wellens fights exhaustion and tries to keep up with homework while working his late night shifts. The highlight? Much better party stories.
Wellens revels in the opportunity to talk about his job. “People will be talking about their jobs, and I usually start out with I work at a sex shop and…” pause for reaction. What usually comes next is smiles and stares of anticipation.
That anticipation lingers. There is something exhilarating in talking about and going to sex shops. Staring wide eyed at all the toys and tools that decorate the walls is enough to make anyone feel eager and anxious.
While customers may only dedicate a few hours to browsing a sex shop, for those maintaining these glimmering palaces of self-love, it’s a lifestyle.
Not Just a Job
Vincent Valcroft, assistant manager at Bondesque near Uptown, said he loves building people up through his work at the BDSM and fetish wear specialty shop. “I get to contribute to something that helps people,” he adds, “to bring greater wellness, meaning, and pleasure into their lives and relationships.”
Wellens, cashier at Lickety Split, and Cat Charles, website manager at Smitten Kitten, both said the best part of their jobs was answering questions and giving customers a safe space to ask them.
Charles said it’s “delightful and fun” to have sex as the subject manner of work. They enjoy making sex a normal and comfortable topic for shoppers.
Education also takes an important role in working at a sex shop. At Smitten Kitten, every employee is trained in the store’s sex ed curriculum. The shop also holds periodic free sex workshops, such as “Anal 101.”
Bondesque also holds workshops centered around BDSM, which Valcroft hopes contributes to a “holistic kink experience” in the store. Meanwhile, Wellens takes on an informal education outside of work, utilizing the internet to be better informed.
“I love figuring out how the different toys and interests work,” Wellens said. “Doing research into products on my own time doesn’t really feel like work.”
Education is a major way these sex shops pay it forward to the community. A shop’s attitude also has a big impact on its workers and the community. Wellens described how his manager created a position for him when he applied to Lickety Split back in June of 2018 and how that contributed to the family-like workplace he enjoys so much.
Valcroft went as far to say at Bondesque it’s “not a sale, it’s a celebration” and described the fun and explorative setting he strives to achieve at the store. When the community you and your store are a part of branches off into a spectrum of gender identities, orientation, and age groups, it’s important to “celebrate people,” Valcroft said.
Funny Moments
Even a community saturated with pleasure and support has its occasional negatives. From drunken shoppers to more dangerous exchanges, it’s not always easy being the purveyors of pleasure.
Wellens has had his fair share of run-ins that range from hilarious to horrifying. One particularly frightening story involves a knife and customer named Jelly; “we learned he was called Jelly after the fact,” Wellens clarifies.
Jelly became irate, yelling slurs at Wellens’ co-worker. Wellens went on to say, “He got super frustrated and pulled out a knife.” He adds, “It was more funny after the fact,” although that seems hard to believe.
Wellens’ stories only get wackier from there. At one point, a man came in waving around a sizeable chunk of marijuana for no apparent reason. Drunk frat guys have played leapfrog, Wellens added. “One time a guy bought a cock ring,” Wellens continues, “and tried to put it on in the store.” This patron wasn’t drunk or high—just “very excited,” Wellens clarified.
For Valcroft, there hasn’t really been one defining hard part of his job, except maybe when “the gimp gets loose,” he explained, only half kidding while a devilish smile spread across his face.
But all laughs aside, the world of sex shops, is just that: a world.
There’s a Whole World Out There
Even sex shop workers encounter kinks they’re not familiar with. A resounding response from all three sex workers, no matter the kink, is that sex shops are a judgment-free zone. Don’t be afraid to have questions, just leave the nitty gritty personal experience out, according to Wellens.
Your kink isn’t that weird, Charles assures. They also encouraged beginners to be open to new experiences and not be discouraged if something doesn’t work out for you.
Valcroft described BDSM and fetish as a “journey,” which the other sex workers agreed with—it’s a journey to find what you like.
Lots of communities are included, so there is a good chance you can find what you are looking for. Smitten Kitten specifically identifies as “queer-centered.” Every shop mentioned here has some form of gender expression or cross dressing inventory, gender expression involving toys, and other items for persons in the transgender community to express their identity. This can include strap-ons or realistic artificial penises.
A tour of Bondesque illuminates several kinks that fall under the radar of popular culture, such as sex toys for electrosex, which involves electrostimulation, and is surprisingly safe. There are also tools/toys for medical fetishes and latex fetishes.
And yes, for those interested in feet, Lickety Split sells silicone feet, according to Wellens.
Aside from kinks, a few new things discovered this week through interviews, an anal workshop, and a sex shop tour: silicone lube is not good for silicone sex toys, fetish parties are like raves mixed with fashion mixed with latex, and there is something out there for practically everyone. Most importantly, sex shop workers make a rewarding career not only out of selling toys but also out of making comfortable environments for sexual deviants and newbies alike.
There is no doubt that sex is great. However, it can use something to make it more passionate and wild from time to time. The best thing to achieve that is to find the right “hardware” for your games and let it all play out really really well.
Besides making sex better, sex toys can bring many different benefits to the table, or into the bed, however you like it (this is a judgment-free zone). But among all the physical benefits, there are some psychological ones, too.
Eliminating shyness
Some people are shy about their sexual lives or talking about sex in general. What is more, at the very mention of sex toys even they can get all giggly and blood rushes to their cheeks like they are teens again. However, what not many of us know is that if you get over it and talk about sex toys, you can actually feel more confident to talk about sex.
Sex toys are not a taboo anymore and everyone uses them; either with their partners or by themselves. So, if you are able to talk about them in any way, be sure you will be more free to talk about sex with your partner, for example. You will eliminate that shyness, guilt or embarrassment you might be feeling, and your sex life will get better and more satisfactory in no time.
“Cure” for sexual dysfunction
There are both men and women who can have sexual dysfunction, and sex toys are something that can aid in that. For example, there are women who suffer from anorgasmia, which means they can hardly reach orgasms while having sex. That is why vibrators and relaxing sex toys, are recommended. As far as men are concerned, a helping hand of sex toys can make them climax without having to get an erection. There is no harm in trying kinky toys like Hustler Hollywood has, for example, and giving it a shot.
Plus, if you manage to finally get that orgasm, there is no doubt that your confidence will rise. Another positive thing is that they will take the pressure off of you because you won’t be overthinking what you’re doing in bed. You just need to relax and let the toys do their thing. And, at the end, you will feel confident about your relationship, things will get back on track sex-wise and you will relieve stress!
Great sex equals a great relationship
You might have that spark with your partner, but things are bound to get boring sometimes. That is why you need to communicate. Surprisingly or not, sex toys will lead to better communication with your partner. Even a simple visit to the sex shop with your partner will make you communicate better. You do need to be open about what you want, like and dislike, so it is a great way to get to know each other better.
Furthermore, you will learn how to “navigate” your partner better. Without the toys, you might feel shy about telling him “a bit to the left” or her “to use less teeth”, but with sex toys, things can change. If you’re using vibrators you will be more relaxed and open about where he or she needs to go in order to hit the spot. Plus, some toys can reach places no man or woman has ever touched.
According to Bustle, you can say that sex toys can improve your honesty and communication because they will spark the conversation and make your relationship even better.
They just make you feel good
The mental benefits of using sex toys are almost the same as the benefits of sex. But double the dosage! Sex boosts your confidence, but with the use of sex toys, you are even more confident because you managed to go pass that stigma and taboo.
Sex leads to increased intimacy, love and trust in a relationship, but with the toys, you two can get even closer. This is because your aforementioned communication is better, you made that special bond when buying sex toys and you learned new things about each other and your bodies. Plus, a lot of oxytocin is released after each passionate, sweaty and successful round in the bed, which only leads to stronger relationships and more respect towards each other.
After all this, we can say for sure that sex toys are beneficial. Forget about all that kink-shaming and go a little wild. Your relationship can use a little something new and fun, and your partner will be happy about it, too! Not to forget about that confidence boost and more happiness in your lives. So, take your partner’s hand, find the toys you both like and go on an adventure of kinky fantasies and plenty of fun.
A consumer technology innovation award was revoked from a company that makes a hands-free sex toy. The reason, some believe, is that the product is made for women.
Lora DiCarlo, the company behind the Osé sex toy shown above, was stripped of an award at CES. Its products were deemed “immoral, obscene, indecent, profane or not in keeping with CTA’s image.”
A personal massager, a sperm counter, virtual-reality pornography, something described as “the world’s first ebook-driven sex toy”: All of these products have been exhibited at CES, the country’s largest consumer electronics convention. Two of them won awards there.
So Lora Haddock was surprised when Osé, a hands-free sex toy she designed with a team of engineers from Oregon State University, had its CES Innovation Award revoked after three weeks. In an email explaining the convention’s change of heart, which Ms. Haddock shared with The New York Times, a representative cited a clause in the awards’ terms and conditions that disqualified products deemed “immoral, obscene, indecent, profane or not in keeping with CTA’s image.” (CTA refers to the Consumer Technology Association, which runs CES.)
“I was shocked,” Ms. Haddock, 33, said, “and then I was angry.” The award “signified a shift in inclusion,” she said. “And then it was actually, no you’re obscene and you’re indecent and immoral, and you’re not innovative at all.”
Last year, CES had more than 180,000 attendees from around the world and racked up more than 100,000 mentions in media outlets, by its own count. For start-up companies like Ms. Haddock’s, exhibiting at CES is crucial for attracting investment. It’s all the more important for sexual wellness companies, which by their nature have a difficult time placing ads on platforms like Facebook, in magazines and in public spaces.
Evie Smith, who handles public relations for Lora DiCarlo, promoting the Osé at an event near CES.
ohn Parmigiani, the director of the Prototype Development Lab at Oregon State University, first met Ms. Haddock in 2017, shortly after she had officially started her company, now called Lora DiCarlo. Over the years, Mr. Parmigiani — who has worked with companies like Boeing and Daimler Trucks — had become a go-to person for entrepreneurs seeking expertise in mechanical engineering.
“I went into the meeting with Lora having no idea what her product was,” Mr. Parmigiani said in a recent interview. “The third sentence she said was along the lines of, ‘I didn’t have my first blended orgasm until I was 20-something years old.’” Mr. Parmigiani said he was briefly taken aback but he kept listening.
“I thought, it’s a little out of my comfort zone,” he said, “but there’s nothing wrong with it.”
Ms. Haddock had used a term that describes a sexual climax reached from simultaneous external and internal stimulation. Her first blended orgasm, which Ms. Haddock said occurred at age 28, “knocked me off the bed onto the floor. I laid there wondering, how do I do that again?”
That wasn’t what sold Mr. Parmigiani on the project.
“I gave him a list of 52 functional engineering requirements that would be needed to produce this product,” Ms. Haddock said. “And that’s when he lit up.”
Ms. Haddock, who previously worked in health care and served in the Navy, is a self-described anatomy nerd. She knew she wanted her product to be customizable, so she started gathering data for where the G-spot and the clitoris are located on different bodies. “I tried to have that conversation with every single person with a vagina that I knew,” Ms. Haddock said. “I literally asked them to measure it with their hands and a tape measure.”
Osé, which will be available this fall for $250, expands, according to user preference, once placed on the pelvic girdle. It doesn’t vibrate but uses gentle, autonomous motions and air flow to enhance stimulation. Eight patents associated with Osé are pending. The team that built it includes Dr. Ada-Rhodes Short, who specializes in robotics and artificial intelligence, and Lola Vars, a current doctoral candidate in design-focused mechanical engineering at Oregon State University.
In follow-up emails, officials from CES and the Consumer Technology Association appeared to step back from the earlier assertion about the product’s violations of the morality clause, writing instead that Osé did not fit into the robotics and drones category, nor into any of the other product categories.
“It certainly is a robotic device if you look at a definition of a robotic device,” Mr. Parmigiani said. “There is no justification. Lora DiCarlo should have won the award.”
In a statement provided to The Times, Gary Shapiro, the president and chief executive of the Consumer Technology Association, said: “We have apologized to CEO Lora Haddock for our mistake, as the Lori DiCarlo product does not fit into any of our existing product categories and should not have been accepted for the Innovation Awards Program. CES is a professional business show, and porn, adult toys and sex tech products are not part of the event. CES is a large show with over 4,500 exhibitors. We acknowledge there are inconsistencies in exhibiting companies, and these will be addressed.”
But Ms. Haddock believes that what happened was more than an accidental oversight or a clerical error. So she published an open letter accusing CES of gender bias last Tuesday, Jan. 8, the first day of the convention. It is not the first time the trade show has been accused of gender bias: In 2018, numerous people in the tech industry criticized CES for having no female keynote speakers for the second year in a row, a failing CES attributed to “a limited pool when it comes to women in these positions.”
This year, of the 89 judges for innovation awards, 20 were women. CES said that it is committed to diversity, and pointed to its announcement this year that it will invest $10 million in venture firms and funds focused on women, people of color and other underrepresented start-ups and entrepreneurs.
On display at CES was a wide array of female-oriented products, including breast pumps, fertility trackers and skin-care tools, but critics point out that many of them exist to enable women to support something or someone else. “They’re in service of fertility, of society as a whole, of the household,” said Ms. Vars, the technical director at Lora DiCarlo. She noted that a sexual health company that has exhibited at CES for years, OhMiBod, won a prize in 2016 for its Kegel exerciser. “It’s something construed as good for men’s pleasure or fertility,” Ms. Vars said. “I hear that as a joke from men: ‘I like to sleep with women who do their Kegels.’”
“Sexual health wellness is something that can only happen behind closed doors, especially for women,” said Polly Rodriguez, the chief executive of Unbound, a company that makes lubes, vibrators and other sexual wellness products. Ms. Rodriguez has never applied to CES because of its reputation for gender-based discrimination. (Earlier this year, Unbound was in the news after the Metropolitan Transportation Authority rejected the company’s ads on the grounds that they violated rules against obscenity.)
But other female-driven sexual wellness products have gone the way of Ms. Haddock’s.
Karen Long, who has been in health care technologies for more than 20 years, was told that her company’s libido enhancing device, Fiera, did not qualify for the health and technology category in 2015. A later email from convention organizers added: “As a practice, we don’t allow sexual wellness products at CES.”
“We’re a consumer product that’s very clinically driven, with studies to support our product, validated surveys, OB-GYNs on board and everything,” Ms. Long said.
“We’re all sick and tired of this,” Ms. Haddock said. “It’s not just about our product. It’s about something bigger. It’s about really embracing an understanding of human sexuality, of recognizing innovation. When you call something obscene just because it has to do with a vagina, technology as an industry starts to lose out.”
Liz Klinger, the chief executive of Lioness, which makes a smart vibrator for women that collects data about sexual arousal, was similarly appalled. (She applied to CES in 2017 and was rejected.) “They said they weren’t going to include any new adult products in this space,” Ms. Klinger said. “That they had bad experiences in the past and didn’t want any new products on the floor.”
Later she found out that another applicant was approved to rent an entire room to show VR porn.
Sex is sex, right? There can’t be that much you can change about it.
But sex trends do indeed exist, whether in terms of the tech we’re using to get off, the type of relationships we have, or our views of sexual acts.
The good news is that as long as you’re having consensual fun, it really doesn’t matter if you stay ahead of the curve.
If you are keen on being at the cutting edge of sexual stuff, though, you’re in luck, as sex toy brand Lelo has just released their predictions for the top sex trends of 2019.
Just do everything on the list then pat yourself on the back for being the trendiest, sexiest person ever. Congrats.
Open relationships and polyamory
Of course, polyamory is not a new concept. But thanks to documentaries (oh hey, Louis Theroux), celebs and influencers sharing stories of how polyamory and open relationships can work, the idea of non-monogamy is becoming more widely accepted.
Think of how BDSM was pushed on to everyone’s radar by Fifty Shades Of Grey. The same sort of thing is happening with polyamory.
Sex dolls
Not the ones you’re imagining, blow up ones with holes for mouths.
We’re talking fancy sex dolls made to feel and look incredibly lifelike, made with silicone and internal skeletons for a more human feel.
Artificial Intelligence
With the rise of household devices such as Alexa and Google Home, it’s no surprise we’ll start using artificial intelligence in the bedroom, too.
This can range from vibrators that collect your data and adjust to give you an orgasm every time to sex robots who respond to dirty talk and adjust their personalities to fit your desires.
Yes, the techphobes among us will be freaked out, but 2019 will be a cool year when it comes to seeing how far we can take sex tech.
Being single
Blame Ariana Grande.
Lelo reckons that in 2019 we’ll see more women remaining happily single later into their lives, with no desire to get into relationships.
Self-dating will be on the rise, as will treating yourself to all the toys you could ever want to provide satisfaction solo.
Male pleasure
Will 2019 be the year we finally accept that men can enjoy sex toys too?
The sex toy market will launch a bunch of new male sex toys this year, including prostate massagers and masturbation sleeves, which will hopefully normalise something that’s, well, very normal: using tools to masturbate more effectively.
New sensations
Vibration is great, but Lelo says 2019 will see the rise of newer, fresher ways to stimulate pleasure.
The brand’s Sona sex toy, released in 2018, uses sonic waves to stimulate the clitoris, to drive pleasure much deeper in the body.
You’ll also spot more toys that use pulsing or suction.
Sometimes a long-distance relationship is unavoidable. Here are some expert tips and clever tech we suggest to keep an intimate relationship lively and hot from miles away.
Couple Apps
Tristen Weedmark, Global Passion Ambassador for vibrator company We-Vibe, recommends that long-distance partners look into Avocado or Couple, apps that both offer multiple ways for couples to connect in daily life. They are multi-purpose apps with built-in capabilities for partners, such as sharing sexy photos, working simultaneously on doodles, sending virtual “kisses,” or coordinating calendars and to-do lists.
Lay the Ground Rules
There are so many different options for connecting remotely. Texting, photo chats, live video, and phone calls are just a few options, and each comes with its pros and cons. “Figure out what works best for you in an LDR,” says Weedmark. “For some it might be constant texting throughout the day, while others prefer long phone calls a few times a week.” Mix and match your options and see what sticks. Once you can settle on a style that suits you both, you might be amazed at how multi-faceted LDRs can be.
Making Memories
Just because you’re separated doesn’t mean you’re not part of each other’s lives. Take the time to celebrate special days, like birthdays, anniversaries, or life achievements in ways that are memorable. Send cards, flowers, or homemade gifts the old-fashioned way. To keep track of past efforts and future events, consider the two-person messenger app Twyxt, which auto-generates a relationship journal from your messages and allows users to make a “Keepsake” collection of their favorite messages and photos.
Rules of Sexting
A couple can be great at texting, calling, and sending presents while skimping on more intimate ways to relate. “Without the regular sexual contact that many couples take for granted, you may start to feel more like friends rather than intimate partners,” says Weedmark. The trick here, she says, is to develop intimacy in other ways, which comes down to being more straightforward about your desires and emotions. It’s also probably time to boost your virtual sex skills. Learn how to avoid saving sexy pics and video to the cloud and be careful not to sext anyone you don’t mean to. Then, try something new with your partner.
Toys
There are many sex toys that allow couples to pleasure each other from afar. Weedmark’s company has the We-Vibe Sync, which is an app-enabled, adjustable vibrator that allows a woman’s partner to control the toy while also sexting or chatting in the app. Toys like this can help make partners feel more in tune with their partner during long-distance sex.
Trying to visit each other is a no-brainer, but it’s worth some extra effort to make the experience as exciting (and easy) as possible. First of all, consider coordinating itineraries through using an app like TripIt, which can sync with email and calendars, skipping the need to forward and record travel details. It can be a blast for partners to play host to their other halves, while enjoying their own city from a fresh perspective. Or couples can choose to meet somewhere in the middle, which may land them in unusual but story-worthy spots.
The sex tech industry is booming and you’re the last one to know. How do you feel about that? If I were you, I’d feel lame as hell. So, why not do something about it? They’re all gonna laugh at you either way. At least you’ll be having back-to-back orgasms while the nay-sayers snicker behind your back.
Our beloved gods of good sex have bestowed upon us a myriad of perverted pleasure products that pique every nook and cranny of our depraved interests. It’s time we took advantage of that. In today’s world, it’s possible to find a male sex toy that can do just about anything you can imagine. In fact, some manufacturers still know how to surprise me, believe it or not.
As John James, the Sex Toy Expert, I know all about sex tech and the products that have come out of its catacombs in the last few years. I’ve made it my life’s mission to “stay on top” of every sex toy I possibly could (pun most definitely intended). The results haven’t always been pretty but they’ve almost always been fun.
What Is Sex Tech?
I’m a gentleman and a scholar but even I don’t know the actual definition of “sex tech”. My best guess is that is has something to do with sex toys and technology. As far as I’m concerned, they can fuck off with their technical jargon. For our purposes, the term “sex tech” refers to any sex toy or arousal product that utilizes some form of technology in its design, features and/or functionality. Got it?
What Kind of Toys Are We Talking about Here?
One of the first questions I get when introducing someone to sex tech is, “So, what kinds of toys use technology like that?” I suppose it’s because most people only know about the traditional stuff, having little to no experience with the world of luxury brands and tech-savvy features. That’s okay though, because ole J.J. is here to help.
First of all, there are 5 main types of male sex toys that generally have a techie component or two. Know them and find your way to some of the best orgasms you’ve ever had. Ignore them and keep beating your meat like your granddad.
Masturbators
Known for their durability and simplicity, handheld masturbators allow for manual manipulation of your penis and a fully customizable experience for you and/or your lover. Often made with pre-programmed speed or intensity settings and graced with the ability to connect via Bluetooth or internet for a real-time sex session, today’s masturbator isn’t the simple pocket pussy of yesteryear.
Automatic Blowjob Machines
Once I tried an auto-blow device for the first time I started to wonder why the sex toy industry even bothered making anything else. These things are amazing and I’ll tell you why: Not only do they feel almost exactly like a real deep-throat knob-job but they also work without manual manipulation and can (sometimes) link up to other devices. While some masturbators do that too, only automatic blowjob machines simulate the kind of shameless, enthusiastic head you have to pay good money for.
FUN FACT: Many masturbators and auto-blow machine models come with orifices and/or skin-like sleeves that have been molded after famous porn stars.
Torsos
If you want to get REAL nasty, go for a humanoid torso that has tech-friendly features like touch-sensitive controls, sync-motion, vibration and Bluetooth connectivity. Among the most high-tech (and most expensive) male sex toys on the market, torsos are also among the most realistic in terms of visuals and can sometimes be have their hyper-humanistic skins and canals warmed.
Prostate Massagers
There are a lot of p-spot stimulation toys out there that are designed with high-tech features and pleasure-seeking settings. Although usually not as futuristic as the auto-blow machines or the torsos, prostate and perineum massagers come in all shapes and sizes from beginner to pro. The higher-end models can be synced to Bluetooth, smart phone apps or other toys for an interactive or long-distance party.
Cock Rings
A staple of the modern-day bedroom in my humble opinion, the cock ring is a must-have for any contemporary pervert with something to prove. A good high-tech cock ring can be controlled via wireless remote or smart phone app, plus it’s generally rechargeable and waterproof. Made for discreet guys who like safe restriction and convenient kink, well-made cock rings with high-tech features bring out the animal in any man.
The Final Verdict
Doesn’t it feel so much better to be “in the know” about male sex tech and the options that currently flood the market? I know I feel much better having schooled you on what’s up. If variety is the spice of life, then an existence without several high-tech sex toys must be an extremely bland one. I, for one, have better taste than that.
To be fair, there are a couple of reasons why penetrative shower sex is objectively difficult: It’s dangerous and there is no lubrication. You think that one-legged standing sex position is going to work out for you and then … it really doesn’t. You wind up with this awkward, dry humping and grinding situation that often ends in frustration and general angst.
Fact: The shower is slippery. With all that soap and water on tile or linoleum, you’re very likely to take a tumble if you decide to have penetrative sex. How can you expect to have an orgasm with one leg in the air, praying to the high heavens that you won’t fall and break your leg? It’s just not practical.
Instead of making P in the V sex the end-all-be-all of shower sex success, do other things instead. Have your partner stand with his back to you and reach around for a handy. The dominance is intoxicating. Bend down and suck on her nipples and touch her clitoris with your hand.
We have to stop putting pressure on ourselves to “get it in.” This makes shower sex less fun and ultimately a lot less satisfying.
Don’t rush it.
Enjoy the shower itself. Wash each other. Shampoo your partner’s hair and give them a head massage. Let them wash your back and shoulders. Showering can be very sensual even without sex so lean into that romantic aspect of the experience. There is a kind of primal urge that comes from cleaning your partner. Just look at monkeys picking bugs out of each other’s fur.
Listen to the sound of the water, smell the lovely soaps, and take your time to simply be with your partner. Showering together is basically foreplay with zero effort on your part.
Get comfortable with making out under the water
It should come as no surprise that, in the shower, there is going to be water everywhere. It’s going to run down your face and over your eyes, and probably into your mouth when you start kissing. Don’t let this deter you, let it be fuel for a steamy, wet makeout session.
Haven’t you ever heard of making out under waterfalls and all that other romantic movie stuff? It’s like that. These are going to be wet kisses so, get down with it. Yes, you might have to spit out water occasionally, but this just comes with the territory.
Feel the water running over your body. Lick it off of each other’s chests. Long showers are the best. Kiss and enjoy.
Try some standing sex positions if you’re brave enough
If you insist on having intercourse, there are definitely some positions that are better than others. We have a complete guide right here. Most comfortable for shower sex-ing are a three-legged stand and the 90 Degree Angle. For the 90 Degree Angle, if you’re on the receiving end, be sure your partner has something to hold onto with one hand. Again, slippery = dangerous.
Remember, this is not the only thing that makes shower sex valid. If you start having intercourse only to realize it isn’t working for you, have some hand-sex, oral sex, or any other kind of sexual play you feel like. Don’t force it. That isn’t fun for anyone.
Silicone and oil-based lube are your best friends
There are plenty of amazing (and not so amazing) lubes out there. You want to be sure whichever you choose is paraben, petrochemical, and glycerin free. When in doubt, water-based lubes are your best bet for sex. But, in the shower, water-based lubes don’t have the staying power you need.
Opt instead for a silicon or oil-based lube. These lubes hold up against the water test and will keep things smooth and slippery during shower friskiness.
If you go for silicone, we love Babelube Silicone from Babeland. If oil-based is more your style, you can use something all natural like 100 percent organic coconut oil or almond oil. If you’d prefer an oil-based brand, we’re big on Boy Butter in the original formula.
Just keep in mind that if you’re using condoms, oil-based lubes are a no-go. Oil is incompatible with latex and can break down the material, leading to breakage. With condoms, stick to silicone lube.
Don’t forget the toys
The golden rule of sex toy owners used to be: If it has a motor, don’t submerge it in water. Luckily, this is no longer the case for many a vibrator. Many companies have waterproof sex toys that are not only bomb for shower sex, but can even be taken into the bathtub and dipped under the water completely. It’s pretty revolutionary.
A sex guide advising nurses how to help senior and elder patients watch porn and use sex toys has been given out to care homes.
The leaflet circulated by the Royal College of Nursing also covers the topics of masturbation and extra-marital affairs.
The new guidance was produced to help nurses and care staff advise on the “taboo subject” of the sex lives of the older generation.
The brochure, called Older People in Care Homes: Sex, Sexuality and Intimate Relationships, has been developed to help nursing staff “work effectively with issues of sexuality, intimate relationships, sexual expression and sex” with people living in homes in “a professional, sensitive, legal and practical way”.
“Fundamentally, people who move to live in a care home should be able to have the same rights, choices and responsibilities they enjoyed at home provided that these do not impinge upon the rights of others in the home,” the 44-page guide states.
“Care home staff should strive to achieve a balance between an individual’s right to privacy and control with the need for care and observation, for example, residents remaining in bedrooms undisturbed or with locked doors and staff waiting to be invited before entering,” it continues.
The guide states that: “sexuality remains a fundamental aspect of being human throughout life. It encompasses gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, intimacy, sexual expression and sexual acts.
It goes on to say that sexuality also influences “identity, self-image, self-concept and self-worth. It also affects mental health, physical health, social relationships and quality of life.”
The leaflet sites case study examples of real patients and the problems they have encountered when it comes to sexual activity within their care home including an OAP who was refused help with masturbation because staff “felt ill-equipped to deal skilfully” with the request.
Another case study explained how a resident had ask to watch porn in his bedroom. The guide noted that patient “should be supported” in accessing “the entertainment” he desired.
Commenting on the guide, RCN spokeswoman Dawne Garrett told the Daily Express: “Just because people live in a care home doesn’t mean they lose the same rights, choices and responsibilities they once enjoyed in their home.”
And actually research suggests many of the older generation are likely enjoying more sex than their younger counterparts.
A 2009 study, National Social Life, Health and Ageing Project (NSHAP), conducted by a team of researchers at the University of Chicago, found that almost three quarters (74%) of women aged 75 to 85 believed satisfactory sex was essential to maintaining a relationship, while 72% of men felt the same.
The same study found that over a third of men (38%) and almost a fifth (17%) of women within this age bracket were sexually active. And why the hell not?
Researchers from Coventry and Oxford University in the UK have found a link between frequent sexual activity and improved brain function in older adults.
The study, published in in The Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological and Social Sciences, involved quizzing 73 people aged 50-83 on how often, on average, they’d had sex over the past 12 months. Participants also answered questions about their general health and lifestyle.
The 28 men and 45 women also took part in a standardised test, which is typically used to measure different patterns of brain function in older adults, focussing on attention, memory, fluency, language and visuospatial ability.
Like it or not, we’ve entered the annual period of seasonal gift giving. Hanukkah begins Sunday, December 2. St. Nick’s follows on Thursday, December 6 (leave your shoes out on the night of the 5th). Next up is Winter Solstice on Friday, December 21. And then we wrap up the traditional gifting holidays with Christmas on Tuesday, December 25. Basically, if you’ve got a romantic partner in your life, you’re probably going to be doing a little shopping real soon.
Each year, the staff of the Tool Shed spends about six weeks helping people navigate the fun—but sometimes tricky—adventure of purchasing sex toys for another person. Giving overtly sexy gifts has an etiquette all its own. There are some obvious things (like don’t give an acquaintance a set of vibrating nipple clamps) that are basically common sense. But there are some less obvious things, too. Read on for some important gift giving dos and don’ts from Tool Shed staffers…
Don’t limit yourself to obvious sex toys, i.e. dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, etc. Shy or modest folks may recoil from a gift so blatant. You may also find that a person is just not interested in owning or using a sex toy. And if you’re in a new relationship, getting a sex toy out of the blue can feel like a lot of pressure.
Do remember how many different ways there are to be sexy. TS staffer Stephanie says, “For my sister, I got soap and socks with a gift card. It encouraged her to come back to the store and shop for herself.” Massage oil, books, underwear, and truth or dare games are also fun ideas.
Don’t just buy the most expensive vibrator you can find. You wouldn’t believe how often this happens! A customer will walk in the store, browse briefly, and pick out a vibrator in the $179-$219 price range. Sometimes they’ll ask, “So, is this the best one?” And we’ll try to explain that there’s no best vibrator for everyone. It’s a very individual thing. But because our culture equates cost with quality, they buy the toy anyway.
Do pick a toy that is body safe and reliable, but also that’s likely to make your partner happy. Different things are important to different people. Some people love vibration, while other people find it distracting or annoying. Some people want something small and discreet, but some folks feel that bigger is better. Even color can make or break someone’s relationship with a sex toy.
Don’t buy a sex toy to fulfill your own fantasy, especially if you’ve never discussed it with your partner. For instance, TS staffer Ashe says, “Unless you’ve had a few conversations with your partner about anal play, don’t surprise your partner with an anal toy.” This is also true for BDSM related gifts like paddles, masks, and bondage supplies. New items for activities that you haven’t talked about before can feel less like a special treat and more like an ambush.
Do pick a toy based on what you know about your partner’s pleasure and previous sex toy experience. If the two of you have had your eye on something, but have held back because it seemed too extravagant for a random Tuesday in June, now’s a great time to pick it up. TS staffer Kayla adds, “If you haven’t tried mojoupgrade.com, it might be a great and somewhat subtle way of finding a new gift idea that you would both enjoy. This website allows you and a sexual partner to choose what you both want or desire, then emails you the areas in which you overlap.”
Don’t assume that you’ll get to participate in the using of the sex toy. If it’s a gift, then the recipient gets to decide how they’re going to use it. Before you buy something, ask yourself who will really benefit from the gift. If you want to get your boyfriend a cockring so that his erection will last longer, talk about that ahead of time. If you’re dying to use a vibrator on your girlfriend because you want to see her reaction, be up front about that.
Do give a gift because you want your partner to be happy, and to have some tools to make that easier. While there are definitely toys that are designed for couples to use together, gifts should be things that will bring joy to the receiver.
Don’t use gift giving to make a joke or intentionally cause someone to feel embarrassed. As Kayla wisely says, “Avoid gag gifts or gifts meant as a prank. They may seem funny at the time, but the money you’ve spent could go towards a gift they’ll definitely enjoy, without all the stigma and shame wrapped up around it. Consider getting a hilarious card or funny wrapping paper instead, and have the gift either be meaningful or practical.”
Do pick up supplies and accessories to help the recipient enjoy the gift. That could mean batteries, lube, locking toy box, or instructional book. Consider charging up rechargeable toys so they’re ready right out of the wrapping paper. Make sure you know how to clean and care for the toys, and share that information when you give the gift.
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