Category: Sexuality / Sensuality

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Defining Sexuality Later In Life

— Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires and needs is fundamental at every age

By G Stone

When and where did you learn about sexuality, and how have your beliefs about sexuality changed since then? I love asking this question. Why? Because growing up, sex and sexuality weren’t openly discussed in many households, including mine.

“Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.”

Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts.

Questions like this offer insight into our history, culture, upbringing, beliefs, life experiences and present awareness. They challenge us to reflect on our sexual beginnings and examine how things have evolved.

For most of my life, sex and sexuality were the same. Today, I know that sexuality is far more expansive than who we sleep with. Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.

Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts. It’s a personal journey, sometimes a nuanced experience and often something we don’t understand until much later in life.

As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection.

Sexuality Beyond Sex

In understanding your sexuality beyond the idea of physical intimacy and sexual acts, let’s think about the six following aspects:

1. Sexual Self: Who are you as a sexual being at this stage of your life?

This includes your biology, anatomy, ability to engage in specific sexual behaviors, identity, desires, preferences, interests and kinks, etc. All of these things add shape and dimension to your sexuality.

2. Emotional Intimacy: Which sexual identity(s) or gender(s)?

As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection. Our sexuality offers information about who we choose to be vulnerable to with regard to sharing our thoughts, emotions, compassion and support.

3. Mental: Who are you, and how do you see and feel about yourself?

Your sexuality, personality, values, beliefs, confidence and self-esteem are pieces of your most authentic self. They influence your mental health, overall well-being, relationship with yourself and ability to engage and interact with others.

4. Romantic Attraction: Who’s the partner for you?

Your sexuality offers information about who or what types of humans with whom you experience intense feelings, longing for affection, emotional connection, willingness to commit and desire for a future together.

5. Social and Cultural Norms: What will people think?

We may not want to admit it, but most of us struggle with navigating what other people think – even in a small way. The opinions of friends, loved ones, neighbors, media and the world around us play a significant role in our behaviors, decision-making and, ultimately, our ability to live authentically.

6. Aesthetic Attraction: What’s your type?

Aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction is being attracted to or drawn in by someone’s physical appearance. 

It includes physical features and appreciation of their beauty, style, figure and facial features. Unlike sexual attraction, these characteristics may or may not incite sexual desire.

These six components are part of our sexuality. They are unique to each individual and may change at any point during one’s life. Our sexuality and who we are sexually play a significant role in how we feel about ourselves. It also informs how we feel about our relationships and, ultimately, our ability to achieve happiness.

It’s a good practice to review these areas at different stages of our lives to cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness and evaluate alignment within ourselves and with others.

Understanding and Exploration

Who am I sexually, and what does that mean? Our ability to understand, accept and embrace ourselves impacts our capacity to live happier, healthier and more fulfilling lives.

Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires, boundaries, interests, and needs becomes more important as we progress through life. For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.

It can create the time and space to work on things like:

For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.

  • Personal growth and making better decisions
  • Engaging in activities that are more aligned with our interests
  • Focusing on things that bring us joy and fulfillment
  • Prioritizing our health
  • Retirement or career changes
  • Spending time with family and friends

All these things help us acquire a deeper understanding and a greater sense of self and self-awareness. We can find acceptance in embracing our most authentic selves and, in turn, expand our capacity for happiness and having a pleasurable life.

Age also brings physical, mental, emotional and sexual changes, and many of these changes aren’t within our control. With this in mind, it’s essential to approach these changes with compassion and grace instead of shame, blame or judgment.

It may be helpful to have an open mind and explore new experiences as our minds, bodies and desires may call for different things later in life. Exploration can be both solo and shared experiences not limited to sex. 

It can be an exciting process to assess our sexual preferences, determine who we want to explore with, engage in various forms of intimacy (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and experiential), practice open and honest communication about needs, identify challenges, desires and pleasure, and experiment with different mental and physical stimulation forms. 

In addition, we can use exploration as an opportunity to discover what feels right for us and hone in on the unique and personal aspects of our sexual self at our current stage of life and beyond.

Cultivating a healthy and fulfilling relationship with our sexual self is a lifelong process essential to our overall well-being. It’s best to approach this process with an open and curious mind and seek support from professionals, health care providers, therapists and other support systems if and when needed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

By

1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘When people can talk about sex, they flourish’

— The rise of sexual wellness

Advice on sex is available on myriad apps, sex toys are for sale on the high street, and the science of sexual fufilment is blossoming. Will this focus on sexual wellbeing have the desired effect?

By

Tina was 52 when her long-term relationship ended. She had experienced low libido throughout her perimenopause years, and her relationship had become “pretty much sexless by the end”, so reigniting her sex life felt like a daunting prospect.

But rather than closing the book on her sexuality, Tina turned to a sexual wellness app called Dipsea, and began listening to erotic stories, as well as learning about different self-pleasure and communication techniques.

“I’ve never hugely enjoyed visual pornography and this sounded like something different and worth trying out,” she says. “The app enabled me to explore my sexual wants and fantasies as well as use some of the wellness-focused content, which helped me to feel more confident when dating and navigating having sex again.”

She’s not alone. As attitudes to sex have liberalised, and people increasingly strive for greater physical, mental and social wellbeing, a growing industry in sexual wellness has sprung up. Whereas sex toys only used to be available from sex shops or porn magazines, they can now be bought from high street chemists. Subscription-based apps and websites are offering erotic content alongside relaxation exercises and relationship advice from trained sex counsellors. Sex is no longer taboo, but an integral part of our general wellbeing. But while investors in this industry may have hit the financial G-spot, what does it mean for the rest of us?

Precisely who conceived the term “sexual wellness” is hazy, but the actor Gwyneth Paltrow is credited with catapulting it into the mainstream. In 2015, her lifestyle website Goop.com recommended that women steam-clean their vaginas for extra energy and to rebalance female hormones. Since then, Goop has sparked debates about the pros and cons of jade vaginal eggs, an “aphrodisiac warming potion” called Sex Dust – not to mention the infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has been credited with initiating the sexual wellness trend – but claims made about the benefits of some of the expensive products it sells lack evidence.

“With the launch of things like Goop, there’s been a much broader, holistic sort of view on what sexual wellness means, and how it can benefit you to be a happier, more confident and satisfied human being,” says Mei-lin Rawlinson, chief of staff at OMGYes, an educational website about female pleasure.

Around the same time Paltrow was preaching the benefits of vaginal purification, OMGYes’s founders were setting out on a mission to use science to help crack a similar nut. Sparked by conversations between friends about how women like to be touched, they realised there was a dearth of academic research on the subject, and little vocabulary for the specific things women find pleasurable.

They partnered with sex researchers to conduct in-depth interviews with more than 3,000 women from across the US, using these insights to develop a trove of educational videos, infographics and how-to’s, designed to educate fee-paying members on how to access greater sexual pleasure.

“Sex is such a core part of life for many people, but it is also a really vulnerable, charged area of life, with lots of taboo. We think that if people can talk about it, learn more about it, learn more about themselves, they can flourish so much more,” Rawlinson says.

In the coronavirus lockdowns, sales of adult toys increased by 25%. Superdrug’s website promotes sex toys with the line: ‘Masturbation is self-celebration’.

Launched in 2015, OMGYes was one of the first sexual wellness platforms, and it now has more than a million users. Research conducted by the platform, in collaboration with Devon Hensel, a professor of sociology and paediatrics at Indiana University, suggests that the benefits of membership aren’t just physical.

They gave 870 women access to the website, and asked them to complete pre- and post-questionnaires to assess their sex-based knowledge and communication skills.

The research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, found that after a month, women reported they had developed a wider repertoire of ways to talk about what they liked sexually and that they felt more positive and confident about understanding what felt good. “These are skills not only important for sex, but also in the context of women’s everyday lives,” Hensel says. Indeed, some of the women also reported an increase in overall agency – such as voicing their thoughts or ideas at work – as a result of this training.

It’s not only educational platforms that are growing in popularity. The global sexual wellness devices market – industry speak for sex toys – was estimated to be worth $19bn in 2021.

With everybody stuck at home due to Covid restrictions, this market experienced a boost. During the first two weeks of UK lockdown alone, orders for adult toys reportedly increased by 25%. But while sales of other consumer categories, such as cycling products, that experienced a “Covid boost” have since fallen back, the sexual wellness market continues to experience accelerated growth.

“I think that’s a good data point to suggest that it is earlier in its life stage. There is more to go for in terms of the number of people who buy these products, and the number of products any one person uses,” says Jacqueline Windsor, UK retail leader for PwC.

She recently co-authored a report on the sexual wellness devices market, and believes several factors may be at play. Interest in general wellness has increased over the past decade, and sexual health and wellbeing are increasingly viewed as central to this. Attitudes to sex are also liberalising, and there has been a shift in sex-toy design away from explicit brands, and towards more discreet and ergonomic models primarily targeting women and couples.

“Commercially, it’s big business, but I think it makes a big statement when we see sex toys and pleasure products on high-street shelves like those in Boots and Selfridges,” says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. “It makes the statement that sexual wellbeing should be there, and shouldn’t be taboo or hidden away, and this can have a huge forward impact on how we think and talk about sex, helping us to break away from its links to shame.”

Pleasure isn’t the only benefit: doctors are increasingly recommending vibrator use as a way of treating and preventing conditions such as vaginal dryness and atrophy. Some of these new generation products could go a step further and enhance scientific research into sexual health and orgasm.

Ergonomically designed, the Lioness vibrator is a modern iteration of the classic “rabbit” toy. What really sets it apart though, is the incorporation of sensors to measure pelvic floor movements, such as the rhythmic contractions that accompany orgasm. Paired with an app, this allows users – and (with users’ consent) sex researchers – to better understand how sexual function is affected by factors such as caffeine, alcohol, childbirth, menopause, or medical conditions such as concussion.

“I always tell people that knowledge is pleasure,” says Anna Lee, co-founder and head of engineering at Lioness. “It’s an empowering tool to be curious about your body, and to learn about things that might be changing our pleasure or sexual wellness.”

But the plugging of sexual wellness could also have some pitfalls. Lee worries about the potential for misinformation in the marketing of certain products, and their promotion by social media influencers. For instance, in 2018, Goop was forced to pay $145,000 in civil penalties for making the unsubstantiated claim that jade love eggs were used by women in ancient China to increase sexual energy and pleasure.

“Jade is a porous material that you should never insert [into] your body, and there’s no evidence to indicate that this technique was ever used in ancient China,” Lee says. “We have to be so mindful of how we create this information that so many people are desperately seeking – because they will grab on to anything, it is such a hard topic to talk about.”

Also, whereas novelty and exploration can be a turn-on for some people, for others, it can have the opposite effect. “Some people are much more comfortable with what’s familiar,” says Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and the author of Come As You Are.

Another risk is that the focus on sexual wellness mounts pressure on people to do things they don’t want to do. “Everywhere you look, whether it’s on social media, telly, movies, the emphasis seems to be on the importance of sex – everyone’s having great sex, and if you’re not having great sex there’s a problem,” says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate and a trained relationship counsellor and sex therapist.

“Sex toys historically, and some of the new apps, are kind of promoting the idea that you should be having amazing sex. You should be having an orgasm. But having worked with clients for 25-30 years, what they are often asking for is they just need [the sex] to be good enough.”

What these clients are really seeking, Major explains, is intimacy: the emotional closeness and trust that ideally accompanies sex. “A lot of these apps and products focus on the physical stuff, as opposed to what sexual intimacy means for individuals. I think we sometimes put a lot of pressure on people to be sexual, when actually sex isn’t that important to them.”

In other cases, couples genuinely want to have more sex, but struggle to find the time and motivation to achieve this. Here, technology could help. In early 2022, Mark (not his real name) and his partner began using an app called Intimacy to track their sex life – logging both the number of encounters and their orgasm count. “We had reservations, but set ourselves a target of having sex 104 times in the year – or twice a week,” Mark says. “Rather than putting pressure on ourselves, and recognising it won’t be for everyone, we revelled in the experience – we are obviously both target-oriented.

“We rapidly found ourselves ahead of our target, and reset it to 2.5 times a week, or 130 times in the year – and we ended on 134. We had a good sex life before, but this gave us the motivation to be more intimate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexologist Chantelle Otten on the complexities of sex in both her work and her personal life

— Let’s talk about sex.

Chantelle Otten

By Alley Pascoe

As a renowned sexologist, Chantelle Otten is privy to people’s deepest desires, fears and insecurities. Here, she’s honest about her own.

I’m in bed with Chantelle Otten and she’s taking photos of her feet. It’s not as kinky as it sounds. We’re speaking over Zoom ahead of Otten’s Body+Soul cover shoot the next morning, and she’s sending the manicurist pictures of her nails so they know what to expect.

“This is very embarrassing, my nails are really, really bleak,” she says, with endearing honesty and an easy laugh.

There’s something about Otten’s voice. It’s soothing. And welcoming. Like the cosy blanket wrapped around her dachshund Sauce, who’s snuggled beside her in bed.

Chatting from her sunlit bedroom in Melbourne, Otten speaks with a warmness. She has a way of putting you at ease, making you feel comfortable and giving you the space to speak your truth. When Otten opens her mouth, you can’t help but bare your soul in return. It’s a gift – and sometimes a burden – and it’s something she was born with.

“For my entire life, I’ve always had people confide in me. I’m the person at the party sitting in the corner listening to someone’s life story,” explains Otten, who grew up in a “quirky” family in the Melbourne suburb of Murrumbeena with two younger brothers and an older sister with an intellectual disability.

“As a kid, I was always listening in on what was happening in my parents’, siblings’, grandparents’ and friends’ lives. That gave me an awareness and understanding of different personalities, and the complex nature of individuals.”

From then, Otten, now 32, has turned her skill into a successful career as a psycho-sexologist. What exactly does that involve, you may wonder? A sexologist is someone who studies the science of sex, human behaviour and sexual health and wellbeing. Their job is to help clients with their sexual concerns, and to empower them with the knowledge and the confidence they need to lead a healthy sex life.

At Otten’s sex therapy clinic in Melbourne, nothing is off limits. It’s a safe space to talk about intimate things: sexual identity, self-esteem, performance anxiety, trauma, pleasure and pain.

“I feel grateful that people trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.”

“My clinic is a place where people can be themselves; you can swear, cry, laugh and talk about things that upset you. Or not. Whatever you want,” she says. “My clients tell me that I make them feel at ease. Apparently, I’ve got a therapeutic voice.”

Soon, you’ll be able to listen to Otten’s voice in the Audible podcast Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten. The series promises to “take you under the covers and into the world of sex therapy”, and that’s quite literally what it does. Each episode features an anonymous recorded therapy session with real people dealing with real issues.

There’s the married couple looking for advice on opening up their relationship; the new mum trying to regain her sexual identity; the man experiencing erectile dysfunction; and the woman who has never reached orgasm. Their stories are fascinating – heartbreaking at times, oh-so relatable at others – and truly enlightening.

“We wanted for it to feel like being a fly on the wall,” says Otten. “We’re all going to have difficulties with sex at some point in our lives – all of us – so I hope this podcast can help to normalise talking about sex. I hope the episodes resonate with people, and that they take shame out of the conversation and help to alleviate any apprehension they might have around sex therapy.”

The podcast is the latest move in Otten’s mission to increase pleasure and remove shame from the bedroom. After studying psychology and undertaking a masters in sexual health, Otten worked under Dr Ingrid Pinas in a women’s sexual health clinic in the Netherlands.

Upon returning to Melbourne from Amsterdam, she founded the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine in 2016, followed by her namesake clinic in 2018. In the five years since her clinic has opened, Otten has grown from being a one-woman show (and disguising her voice on the phone to pretend she had a receptionist) to having a dedicated team of 20.

“I tend to only take on patients with very specialised cases, so I am dealing with a lot of complex trauma,” she says. “That’s very rewarding for me. I don’t charge my patients; I make money from my sponsorship work. So, my client work is pro bono, which is my way of giving back.”

With Otten – and many other sex educators – leading the way, times are a-changin’. As her business has grown, Otten has seen vibrators go from being ‘dirty little secrets’ to being stocked in major department stores and promoted by influencers all over Instagram. She’s watched the sexual wellness industry grow by $16.8 billion from 2017 to now. And she’s been a part of important discussions about consent and reproductive health, with her 2021 book The Sex Ed You Never Had. But as far as we’ve come, there’s still a way to go.

In the last five years, we’ve witnessed Roe v Wade overturned in America, threatening the future of reproductive rights in the country. We’ve heard shameful stories of sexual harassment and assault within Australian politics. And we’ve learned that Instagram has been censoring sex education accounts – Otten’s included.

“Oh, I think I’ve been shadowbanned on Instagram for five years. It’s problematic that so many people are being silenced, because sex education should be accessible to everyone,” she says. “The main thing I want people to know is that sex should be fun, pleasurable and free of pain and shame. I think we need to make sex sexy again!”

That’s where Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten comes in. Apart from the all-important destigmatising and empowering stories, perhaps the best part of the podcast is getting to listen to Otten’s silky voice in situ.

Today Otten’s voice is raspier than usual. She’s been battling a sinus infection, she tells me, and is trying to recover from the physical fatigue of taking on people’s trauma.

“The challenges that come with this line of work are heavy. When you hear someone’s trauma, it does affect you,” she says. “I am constantly doing work on myself to make sure that I’m there for my patients.”

As well as the emotional toll there are other – more, er, unique – challenges that come with being a sexologist. Namely, people confusing sexology with sex work. Remember when Otten was starting out in her business and put on a fake voice to make out she had a receptionist? Yeah, that didn’t end well.

“I had a guy call wanting to book in a session with his wife for relationship therapy. He was talking and asking questions, and I was answering as the ‘receptionist’. Then he asked me if he could watch. ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Can I watch you and my wife having sex together,’ he said. ‘Oh, no, no, this isn’t the place for that,’ I explained. ‘Just keep talking,’ he said, and I realised that he was masturbating over the phone listening to my receptionist voice,” recalls Otten, with amusement rather than horror. “That’s when I realised I really needed to get an actual receptionist.”

Otten is quick to find the humour in her work. What’s the saying? If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. That’s the approach Otten takes with life and work. Once again, this is a trait she’s had since childhood.

After Otten’s older sister left their primary school to attend a school that provided support for her disability, she had to find her own voice. “When my sister went to a different school, I felt left behind. I had no friends, so I had to learn how to make friends. I learned how to make people laugh, and became an extroverted introvert,” she says.

Learning how to make friends has paid off. Today, it’s Otten’s friends who keep her grounded. They’re the ones she turns to when she’s struggling with the pressures of her profession and running a 20-person business.

“My best friends are all amazing, deep thinkers. When I’m with them, I’m not the therapist, I’m their friend. I feel very lucky for the community I have around me,” she admits. That community includes Otten’s partner of four years, Dylan Alcott.

As the meet-cute story goes, Otten first laid eyes on Alcott, the champion tennis player and 2022 Australian of the Year, at the launch of his book at the North Fitzroy Library in 2019. It was love at first sight. “I still remember that moment so clearly. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘That’s my person.’ I didn’t know anything about Dylan – or that he was famous – I just knew that he’d written a book because I was at his book signing. I realised this guy wants a big life, and I was excited to live a big, wonderful life together,” she says.

The feeling was mutual. When Otten had to slip away from the book launch without speaking to Alcott, he found her on Instagram after she posted about the event, and slid into her DMs: “Where the hell did you go?” They’ve been together ever since.

“Dylan has taught me so much about life, about having a purpose and being in a long-term relationship. When you love someone so much, you need to look at yourself and your flaws and consider what you’re bringing to the table. Dylan’s a lot of fun, and sometimes I can be a bit serious, so we’ve taught each other about balance,” says Otten. “There’s no one else out there who makes me feel so excited and passionate about life.”

Alcott, also 32, shares his partner’s passion for breaking down taboos, especially when it comes to changing the misconceptions around disabled people having – and desiring – sex. “A lot of people think that people with a disability don’t have sex, but I’m having the best sex of my life and it’s important for me to say that,” Otten told Stellar magazine in 2020.

Clearly, sex is a big part of her life. But does she ever get tired of talking about it? “Of course I get sick of talking about sex,” admits Otten. “There are times when I’ve been inundated with work and under a lot of pressure, and I’ve hated my job. I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up.”

When people recognise Otten and come up to her on the street to tell her that they love her work, she feels grateful: “That’s beautiful.” But when people approach her and ask intimate questions or unload their personal issues, Otten takes a step back. She thanks them for wanting to open up to her and suggests they book a session through her clinic.

“There’s a time and place; I can’t give good advice when I don’t know all the details of their situation or medical and sexual history. It’s very complex,” she says. “I was once recognised by a girl on the dance floor at a club in Amsterdam at 3am, and I ran off into the darkness.”

Otten can be blunt. “I’m Dutch,” she explains. “I can be direct, but that’s how I speak, and sometimes I have to be that way. I don’t mind if people don’t like me because I hold boundaries with them. That’s more on them than it is on me.” When Otten speaks about boundaries, her voice is steady and unwavering.

There’s a knowing beneath her words. It’s the voice of someone who’s heard, seen and done some sh*t – and lived to tell the tale. The thing that keeps Otten going through it all is her innate curiosity.

“The best piece of advice I was ever given was to remain curious. My mum gave it to me and I’ve held onto it. People are so complex and I’m forever curious about them,” she says. “They have such amazing private lives – you have no idea about – and they come to share it with me. How lucky am I that I get to hear people’s secrets, and hold those secrets? It’s unbelievable.”

How to have better sex

Four surprisingly simple Chantelle Otten-approved ways to improve your intimacy.

Keep learning

“I want people to remain open to learning more about their sex lives and their partner. We often make the mistake of assuming we know everything about our partner, but there’s so much that goes on behind our outer shells. That mystery is a beautiful thing.”

Get playful

“Toys can add spice to your sexual experience, making it more pleasurable and adding variety for both you and your partner. I like to think of toys like salt and pepper – they might not be needed, but they make everything better.”

Book it in

“OK, this one might seem a little bit naff, but scheduling sex once a week has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction. Even if it’s the same sexual menu every time, it still improves satisfaction. Our sex lives are something we need to work at.”

Talk it out

“When you’re stuck in a sexual rut – and we all get stuck sometimes – don’t be shy to talk about it with someone who can help. That’s what sexologists are here for, to provide a different perspective and give advice on getting more pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Female Porn Director Shares Her Best Sex Tips

— Anna Richards is the founder of ethical porn platform FrolicMe, which portrays sex in a positive, female-focused light. Believing we’re all capable of having great sex, she says the secret is losing your inhibitions and getting comfortable with what turns you on. From the importance of switching up your stimuli to why dropping expectations in the bedroom can be liberating, here are her tips…

By Tor West

Enjoy It

“Sex is supposed to be fun, and feel good, but in a long-term relationship it can be easy to forget who we are having sex for. This means we don’t stop to look at what sort of sex we enjoy. Remember, we aren’t having sex for anyone else. Too often, we are overly focused on the man’s experience, convinced we need to affirm to him that we are ‘good in bed’ by bringing him to orgasm. However, for sex to be great, we need to have sex for ourselves. Plus, there’s no more of a turn-on for a man than being in the presence of a woman losing herself to her own pleasure.”

Keep The Brain Stimulated

“The brain is our biggest sexual organ, and it needs stimulating to have great sex. In a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into maintenance sex to get the job done, but to keep it fresh, you need to change the dynamic. Taking sex out of the bedroom is a good start or try having sex at a different time of the day, like before dinner, so you can relish in the afterglow together earlier in the evening. It’s okay to need to work at reviving your libido as it can be a struggle to put yourself in the mood. Turning to sex-positive ethical erotica sites like FrolicMe or engaging in erotic stories is a great way to stimulate your desire by liberating your erotic imagination.”

Create Your Own Pleasure

“Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t revel in the sexual highs and pleasures of sex. Being single is a great time to explore your own body and learn what it is you enjoy and desire. By exploring your own body through solo masturbation, you will learn so much more about what turns you on for when you are in a partnered relationship. We don’t always know what we like until we give it a try. Get involved with a clitoral stimulator – the choice has never been better, and they can help you reach orgasm. Watch masturbation erotica and learn new techniques – you can even film yourself talking to your phone as you enjoy some solo time. Explain how you feel and what’s turning you on as your body responds to your touch. If you’re in a relationship, you can even send it to your partner – it can feel mind-blowing to know you are thinking of them as you pleasure yourself, as well as being watched.”

If you’re confident in bed KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT, that’s a HUGE TURN-ON for your partner.

Talk About It

“Sex is about pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. It’s important to communicate and be open with your partner about what you enjoy and what you want. Help each other achieve this desired satisfaction – if it’s reaching an orgasm, talk about what would help and how you can achieve it together. Perhaps you need to incorporate some toys and accessories into your play to help with more sexual stimulus. Take time to explore what you enjoy and let your lover know. If you’re confident in bed knowing what you want, that’s a huge turn-on for your partner.”

Experiment With Joint Masturbation

“It’s a very sexy way to quickly understand and learn how and where your partner stimulates themselves, and what it is they enjoy to reach climax. You can then apply these techniques during partner play in the knowledge of how much it turns them on. Plus, it increases the excitement to know you’re being watched. It can feel great to let your partner hold a toy on you as you masturbate. You can tell and guide them to what you like and where you like it.”

Listen To Audio Porn

“Explore stimulating and arousing your mind by tapping into audio porn, which will fuel your mind with erotic thoughts – you’ll be surprised at how quickly you will feel aroused. Audio porn allows the listener to feel part of a shared fantasy, setting the scene as you may wish to imagine it, creating your personal erotic porn of choice to stimulate pleasure.”

Get Spooning

“Spooning is a classic and simple sex position that’s great for when you’re feeling lazy but crave intimacy. The partner behind you can penetrate you deeply while reaching around and holding you in their arms or touching your genitals and nipples. It’s a great position for new parents who may barely have the energy to move at the end of the day but still want to feel intimate. To level up, try going side by side, which is like spooning. Both lie on your sides but facing each other – the partner being penetrated will wrap their legs above the other partner’s legs to create room for them both and allow deeper penetration. This can feel intimate as you can look into each other’s eyes.”

Penetrative sex SHOULDN’T ALWAYS BE THE FOCUS – sex is about pleasure, which can take many forms.

Go Slow

“If you struggle to have an orgasm during sex, you’re not alone. Don’t forget that less than 25% of women are capable of achieving orgasm through penetration alone and, as clitoris owners, we rely on additional sensations to help us achieve climax. Take the foot off the expectation pedal when it comes to climax, too, as the expectation of an orgasm can put pressure on and hinder your chances. Don’t forget that your partner could be the one to blame – not you. Perhaps they aren’t stimulating you in the right way. Remember you are responsible for your own orgasm, so communication on what you enjoy is important. Take it slow, play and arouse your body, and know that orgasms aren’t based on the clock. Taking your time doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance. Being more mindful of the moment and letting your mind loose can be a great turn-on.”

Be Intimate

“Don’t think sex is all about penetration. Penetrative sex shouldn’t always be the focus – sex is all about pleasure, which can take many forms. Be creative and look at how you can be intimate with each other. Sex accessories can turn up the dynamic when it comes to sexy fun – blindfolds are good for kinky play while a bullet vibrator can help you achieve incredible orgasms. We still have expectations of sex where penetration is seen as the end of the game with a male ejaculating, and this needs to change. Bodies, pleasure and sexuality need to be equally discussed and normalised.”

Give Erotica A Chance

“Porn gives us the opportunity to expand our ideas, experiment and fantasise, and can inspire us to new forms of play. The problem is, mainstream porn is made for men. Woman-made and woman-centred ethical sites like FrolicMe can be a good place to start, allowing you to feel comfortable and safe. However, make sure you are not rushing into watching porn together until you are able to communicate your sexual needs. Certainly, you can’t get to watching threesomes and consensual BDSM if you are struggling to convey what turns you on. Be clear why you are wanting to share watching some porn with your partner and how you feel it might help with your own adventures. This will also help guide you to what sort of erotic films you should be viewing. Don’t try to be too ambitious in your viewing and build up your preferences through experience. Chat about what turns you on and what you would like to see but also what you wouldn’t.”

Don’t Overthink It

“Sometimes we feel sex is a much bigger issue than it really is. Sex is a part of our life, not our whole life. Rather than thinking of sex, think of it as pleasure and explore what you enjoy and what gets you off. This will help to remove the noise around sex and enable you to focus on yourself, exploring your body and revelling in the euphoria it can offer you. You don’t need someone else to help you evolve sexually – you can work on your own sexual evolution, so that when you have a partner, you can teach them exactly how to please you.”

Visit FrolicMe.com

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The Pleasure Centers On Your Body You Didn’t Even Know About

By Hannah Rice

Most people have heard the expressions “getting to first base” or “scoring a home run.” These sayings turn sports metaphors into sexual allusions, hinting at a certain goal that is supposed to result from physical intimacy. And, to plenty of folks, that mentality makes sense. After all, is there a problem with bringing an “eyes on the prize” attitude into the bedroom? Well, according to sexologists, the answer is: Yes.

Debby Herbenick, PH.D., M.P.H., is a sexual health professor, per her personal website. In a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, Herbenick explained that being too focused on one area of the body can be detrimental to one’s sex life. “In the quest for sexual pleasure, we too often focus squarely on one another’s genitals as if those few square inches hold the only key to ecstasy,” she wrote. Apparently, this sense of tunnel vision can lead to dissatisfaction over time. Herbenick warned, “[S]ex runs the risk of turning stale unless partners pay attention to each other and to more than just the [obvious pleasure centers].”

To achieve a happier and healthier sex life, couples can try to let go of goal-based intimacy and strive for something more holistic. One way that partners can do this is by focusing less on the areas below the belt and, instead, putting more effort into other parts of the body. In doing so, couples can discover the many pleasure centers that exist, from their scalps to their toes.

The lower back

Woman touches partner's back

At first glance, the lower back might not seem like the sexiest part of the body. However, sexologists report that it is actually a powerful pleasure center. According to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, the lower back can experience intense feelings of enjoyment. As O’Reilly told SheKnows, certain individuals find that, “their lower back is the most sensitive area of their body.” Per the sexologist, the area can be stimulated through some tickling, and can even result in “orgasmic sensations.”

The reason for the lower back’s intense sensitivity can be traced to the area’s anatomy. In an interview with Metro, Dr. Deborah Lee, a sexual health physician, revealed that many women experience lower back pleasure, thanks to a bone called the sacrum. Located above the tailbone, the sacrum is able to stimulate many of the nerve endings in the pelvic area. Per the doctor, many women can experience orgasm when their partner massages this area. “A ‘sacr[al] orgasm’ is another way of achieving female orgasm, by directly stimulating nerves in the sacral [lower back] area,” she told Metro. While Dr. Lee suggested massaging the lower back on its own, she also recommended touching this body part throughout intercourse. “Women often find sexual stimulation, such as stroking, or applying pressure on their lower back directly over the sacral region, highly pleasurable during sex,” she revealed.

The shoulders

Woman receives massage

The lower back isn’t the part of the body that could benefit from a nice, gentle massage. A good old-fashioned shoulder rub could also help partners access their pleasure centers by fostering a sense of relaxation. According to My Health Alberta, shoulder massages can help reduce tension and relieve stress. And the more relaxed that partners feel during an intimate moment, the more satisfaction they experience.

The reason for this is that stress has a direct impact on sex drive. In an interview with Talkspace, psychologist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, explained that an increase in stress can cause a decrease in sexual activity. “When you’re stressed … you may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex,” O’Neill revealed. The psychologist also went on to warn that stress can actually make sex feel like a chore. “It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list,” she added.

Luckily, however, taking time to relax can greatly impact one’s libido. As sex therapist Diane Gleim LMFT, CST, wrote for a piece in Psychology Today, “Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex.” Partners looking to sink into that relaxed state can exchange pleasurable shoulder massages. To achieve this, Health Alberta recommends “kneading” the two shoulder muscles softly and then slowly increasing pressure. For maximum enjoyment, try adding a soft squeeze to the back of the neck.

The spine

A fulfilling spine massage

While giving a relaxing shoulder massage, partners might want to stimulate some of the body’s other pleasure centers. One thing to consider is adding in some spine play. According to the experts, this can be a great way to simply enjoy your partner’s body or set the mood for sex. Chantelle Otten is an Australian psycho-sexologist who has also worked as an ambassador for Love Honey. In an interview with Body+Soul, Otten noted that not everyone knows just how pleasurable spine stimulation can be. “A zone that people can neglect is the spine,” she lamented. Nonetheless, the psychotherapist opined that many partners will enjoy spine stimulation if they follow a few tips. “[O]nce you trail a single finger, a pinwheel, or perhaps a feather tickler, down the length of your partner’s spine, you won’t forget this zone in a hurry,” she told Body+Soul.

The reason that spinal pleasure is so powerful has to do with the spine’s function in the body. As per the Cleveland Clinic, the spine sends nerve signals from the body to the brain and vis-versa. This means that one of your spine’s jobs is to report sensations back to your brain. And, as noted in Psychology Today, the spine even has a special pathway that only sends “pleasant touch” signals from the body to the brain. Because of this, partners might consider stimulating each other’s spines using their fingers, tongues, or even toys.

The armpits

Girl shows off underarms

Armpits might not have a great overall reputation. After all, they are one of the only body parts that inspired a special product designed to control their smell. (Cue: deodorant.) Nonetheless, armpits are a powerful part of the body when it comes to their erogenous potential. For one thing, armpits are rumored to secrete the scents that generate sexual attraction. As licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, told Insider, “Some people believe the armpits to be an erogenous zone because they may secrete pheromones, but this is still debated.” For another thing, armpits are extremely sensitive to touch.

According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lot of people experience the armpits as a pleasure center simply because this zone is so often ignored during sex. In a conversation with mindbodygreen, Steward elaborated, “Kissing and teasing the armpit can be sexy for you, especially because it is a zone that doesn’t get touched often, so it’s more sensitive than a lot of the areas on the body.” She also explained that underarm pleasure doesn’t have to stop at simple touching. “Armpits get a bad rap because of the odors they emit, but for some of us, armpits are [also] erogenous to smell,” she added.

The neck

Woman touches her neck

The neck can be a serious pleasure center, thanks to the area’s overall sensitivity. As sexual health physician Dr. Rahul Gupta, MD, pointed out in a piece for Lybrae, both the nape of the neck and the back of the neck are “pleasure points” for some people. According to the physician, “[The nape of the neck is an] erogenous spot … packed with nerve endings.” Later, he explained that the blood flow through the back of the neck also stimulates feelings of pleasure. In a section on this area, Gupta wrote, “[Y]our neck acts as a hot spot: it’s extremely sensitive, full of blood vessels, and is associated with vulnerability.”

To stimulate neck pleasure, partners can try a unique breathing technique suggested by clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D. In an interview with Women’s Health, Laino revealed that partners can exhale on each other’s necks to achieve enjoyable results. “Even a faint breath excites the nerve endings on the neck and can be very arousing for both men and women,” Laino said. To put this principle into practice, partners can try lying down side-by-side and blowing lightly on the skin between the lower ear lobe and the collarbone. As things heat up, adding other factors, like kissing, nibbling, or licking, per Laino’s conversation with Women’s Health, can be fun.

The feet

Couple lounges in bed

The feet have long had a reputation for inspiring sexual desire, thanks to the notoriety of foot fetishes in contemporary culture. However, beyond the psychological stimulation that feet can create in some people, this body part can also produce physical pleasure. As Love Honey sexpert Annabelle Knight emphasized in an interview with Metro, “It is worth remembering, too, that the feet are erogenous zones in their own right, with 7,000 nerve endings.” Because of this massive quantity of nerve endings, some people can even achieve orgasm through foot stimulation– Although Knight explained that it’s not common. “Foot orgasms are incredibly rare and it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve an orgasm through foot stimulation alone,” she told Metro.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways that partners can enjoy each other’s feet. Per clinical sexologist Aliyah Moore, couples can start out by giving each other a simple foot massage. In an interview with Elle, Moore elaborated, “Many nerve endings cover the feet … So, massaging them creates exciting and intense sensations.” To alternate or vary these sensations, Moore recommended using toys. “For example, tickle your partner’s feet using a feather or a wisp of cotton or any subtly sharp object. You can also alternate between warm and cold things to stimulate the feet,” Moore told Elle.

The ears

Man whispers into ear

In the movie “Meet the Fockers,” Barbara Streisand’s character, Roz Focker, dished out some iconic sex advice: Stimulate the ears. In the context of a comedy film, this advice might seem funny. However, according to science, Roz Focker might just have been right. Per Medical News Today, the human ear has 25,000 nerve endings — More than three times the number of nerve endings in the feet. Because of this, the outlet reports, some people can even achieve orgasm through ear stimulation alone.

While not everyone may want to try for an “eargasm,” there are several alternative ways to experience ear pleasure. According to clinical sexologist Steve McGough, Ph.D., a massage can effectively stimulate this pleasure center. As McGough revealed in an interview with Women’s Health, gently massaging the ear can be especially enjoyable. “This area is connected to the vagus nerve, which travels from the skull downward through the heart, nipples, and genitals,” he told the outlet. McGough added that this massage could be especially stimulating for women. “Research has shown that the vagus nerve is involved in female orgasm,” he shared.

Luckily, a massage isn’t the only way to evoke ear pleasure. Partners can also use their fingertips and mouths to make each other feel good. In an interview with Insider, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, advised: “Try lightly caressing with a fingertip, nibbling on the earlobe, or tracing your tongue around the back of the ear.”

The cheeks

Kiss on the cheek

For some people, a kiss on the cheek seems more fit for their grandma than, say, a lover. However, when incorporated into a sexual context, cheek kisses can also be erogenous. According to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and the director of The Intimacy Institute, the cheeks respond well to touch. Speaking to Women’s Health, Skyler explained, “The cheeks are actually really sensitive. If you have your partner close their eyes as you softly caress their cheek, that can be really arousing.”

Interestingly, cheeks aren’t just a physical pleasure center — They are also an emotional one. In an interview with Elite Daily, body language expert Tonya Reiman analyzed the emotional impact of touching someone’s face. “When someone touches or strokes your hair and/or face during sex, it is typically a demonstration of affection. This is primal; it shows that they want to connect with you on more than a mere physical level,” Reiman said. The best part is that a kiss on the cheek can be extremely meaningful for the receiving partner. As New York-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., told Women’s Health, this gesture “can activate deep feelings of being cared for.”

Consequently, partners looking to bring more sentimentality into their sex lives might want to stimulate each other’s cheeks. Caress them with a finger, nuzzle them with the nose, or shower them with kisses. Ultimately, showing the cheeks some love can also make one’s partner feel more loved.

The wrists

Couple uses handcuffs

Just like the cheeks, the inner wrist can be a pleasure center emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, NetDoctor reports that not everyone knows that this region has the potential to send shivers up the spine. As sex therapist Mia Sabat told the outlet, “It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive.” Beyond the inner wrist’s physical sensitivity, the region also has the power to foster intimate communication between partners. In her conversation with NetDoctor, Sabat revealed, “Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress [their inner wrist] will turn you on, too.”

Some couples may also want to use their wrists to introduce a little bit of power play into their sex lives. According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, pairs can achieve this when one partner grabs the other one’s wrist during a sexual interaction. In an interview with mindbodygreen, Howard said, “Being pinned down by the wrists or a firm grip during a make-out session is common. Pressure play is a great way to explore pleasure with the wrists.” Couples looking to spice up their wrist play even further may consider experimenting with handcuffs or other forms of bondage.

The belly

A couples in bed

The belly represents a key piece of real estate on the human body as it is situated immediately above the genitals. Because of its prime location, the belly experiences heightened levels of sensitivity and erotic pleasure (via Insider). And, per a conversation between Women’s Day and certified sexuality educator Amy Levine, a small minority of people can orgasm from doing an ab workout. Levine told the outlet, “It’s unlikely that the majority of us will be able to experience [this] effect, but incorporating some ab work in the bedroom could help get you in the mood. Not to mention, the thought of [your partner] moving farther south can be downright exciting.”

While doing abdominal exercises could be very rewarding for some, it might be … well, anticlimactic for others. To stimulate the belly without doing crunches, partners can try gently touching each other’s stomachs. In an interview with Women’s Health, clinical sexologist, Renee Lanctot, Ph.D., recommended focusing on the region surrounding the belly button. “One of the best ways to approach belly button play is by circling the area: Use large circles that converge slowly, using the belly button as your bullseye,” Lanctot suggested. While some couples may enjoy using their fingers, others might prefer to use their tongues, or even a toy.

The scalp

Woman massages man's scalp

It’s no secret that a head rub can feel fantastic, but some folks may not know that the scalp is actually one of the body’s main pleasure centers. Because of its many nerve endings, the scalp is extra sensitive to touch, according to Prevention. This means that sexual partners can unlock the scalp’s feel-good potential via a gentle massage. According to Australian psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten, one effective scalp rub technique can really heat things up during a make-out session. In an article for Body+Soul, Otten advised, “[O]nce you start kissing, run your nails through your partner’s hair and down the back of their scalp and neck to bring on those pleasurable feelings.” She suggested adding a bit of neck and ear action into this scalp play: “Moving your thumbs up behind the ear and down the nape of the neck are really hot ways to incorporate multiple erogenous zones.”

For partners looking to explore the spicier side of scalp play, it might also be gratifying to incorporate a bit of hair-pulling. As certified sex educator Emma McGowan told Glamour, hair-pulling can stimulate the scalp in a deeply satisfying way. “Your scalp has thousands of little nerve endings, and if you’ve ever had your hair pulled during sex, you know it’s an erogenous zone,” she told the outlet. Before pulling someone’s hair, however, remember that it is important to ask for consent.

The hands

Holding hands in bed

Holding hands can be a sweet gesture in public, but in private, it can actually be kind of steamy. In an interview with Well+Good, sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., explained that the hands are a pleasure center, capable of receiving intense enjoyment. To tap into these good feelings, O’Reilly suggested that partners try rubbing each other’s palms. “Consider giving your partner’s hand (or your own) a sensual massage using your thumb to work in sweeping ovals … You can also trace your fingertips around the palm with a feather-light touch or play with their fingers in your hand with a gentle stroking and circular motion,” she told Well+Good.

Couples looking to connect more deeply during sex might also consider using their hands to foster a sense of emotional closeness. Patti Wood, a body language expert, told Elite Daily that holding hands during these intimate moments can help partners bond. As Wood told the outlet, “[Holding hands during sex is] a sign of tenderness, and it’s a signal of connection, rather than just passion or lust.” The body language expert added that a person who grabs their partner’s hand is trying to communicate their desire for closeness. “They want to maintain a connection with you that has more intimacy attached to it,” Wood affirmed.

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If Your Sex is Goal Oriented, Then Expect Emotional Distance

— Here Is Why

Goal oriented sex creates emotional distance.

By Rene’ Schooler

“Men seek sex and hope for love. Women seek love and give sex.”

Patricia sits in my office crying, hands on her face, legs crossed, tears cascading down her cheeks as she sobs about Arthurs requests for sex and how she just is not interested.

“I love my husband, I really do, and that’s why I keep giving him sex as much as I can handle and pretend to enjoy it. I know that he needs it. I know that he wants it and that he is only happy if the goal is achieved.”

“And what goal is that?” I inquire.

“For us both to climax, to orgasm.” she responds.

Going on to tell me that he feels that this is a requirement of sex and that it is her duty to make sure that he achieves orgasm and that she does as well. As we speak over the course of multiple sessions, Patricia shares with me that her husband Arthur wants sex multiple times a day, most days, or at very least once a day. That the only times that he is okay with not having sex is when one of them is horribly ill and even then, it depends on what he deems as horribly ill, a migraine or sore throat is not on the list. She goes on to tell me that he wants each time to “sizzle” and be fresh and hot, saying that he wants adventure in their sex.

Over the years, like many couples Patricia and Arthur have gone through their fair share of life challenges with raising children, being a two-income household and working long hours to make ends meet and take care of responsibilities. They have fought about all the usual things and still proclaim to be committed and in love with each other, however as time goes on in my conversations with Patricia, I see that she is committed to loving Arthur but is not in love with him. She has bitterness and resentment toward him. She feels used and unseen, but like most women who have been in Patricias shoes she consistently chooses her wisest move of staying the course and allowing Artur his needs and wants without disagreement from her. She has invested over two decades into her marriage and does not want to do anything to cause issues, especially speaking up about her anger and pain or her needs with intimacy. And so, Patricia keeps giving Arthur what he wants and pretending it is all good to keep the peace.

THE TURN OFF OF ASKING FOR SEX

Rebecca and David came to me only three years into their marriage. David was frustrated that he was always the one to initiate sex as it seemed that Rebecca was either always too tired or just uninterested.

David asked for sex frequently only to be denied just as frequently by Rebecca. As I sat with the young couple and listened to their tale, I noticed that one of the main issues was that Rebecca had lost respect for her husband, she was not desiring him because he was acting out of neediness, and she knew that she could easily control him with sex.

“I work long hard days to support our growing family and future. I think she is stunning and sexy, and I just want to get close to her. I want to feel like she wants me too. Is it too much to ask that my wife want intimacy with me a few times a week?” inquires David.

“I work a part time job and take care of our one-year-old. I am exhausted at the end of the day and David comes homes, we have dinner, put Olivia down to bed, watch a show and then he says as we get into bed, ‘Can we have sex tonight?’ — it is such a turn off. Can’t he see that I am exhausted and not into it? Why does he ask like that? It’s like a kid in a store asking his mommy for candy…’Can I have this candy? PLEEAASSEE…” Rebecca says in disgust.

David goes on to share that he would not have to ask like that if she would just initiate when she was in the mood, but from his perspective she is never in the mood anymore and Rebecca’s rebuttal comes with the pain of feeling like she is just there to be his blow up doll as she says, he takes no interest in helping her with other things in the home or time to connect and speak to her about what’s happening in her work life or struggles of being a new mom. They don’t have time or money to get away from any connection and even though they eat out a lot, they no longer date.

WOMEN NEED TIME TO GET AROUSED — MEN NEED VISUAL STIMULATION

Monica and Henry started dating six months ago. They enjoyed being together, had lots of great conversations and laughter, spoke about longer-term goals together and were both feeling like this thing may really work out. They had waited to have sex until about a month in on dating seriously and like all first-time sexual encounters they had their mishaps and Henry’s stamina was not what either of them wanted it to be. Understanding, that this is often the case on the beginning side of intimate relationships, they both had patience and enthusiasm about learning each other and getting more familiar so that their sexual energy could be hot but also longer and steady. They shared about their sexual histories with each other, what they liked and did not like, what had worked well in the past and Monica was very vocal about her needs to take sex slowly, to build up with kissing and touching.

“I have told him repeatedly that I am not a light switch! You cannot give me a little peck of a kiss, rub some lube between my legs and stick it in and expect a miracle to happen.” she says in anger, going on to share, “it actually hurts me physically when he does that. Then he thinks that by slamming into me harder and faster that that is the trick. He pushes away from me, so he can watch my body, watch himself penetrating me, like it’s some live porn just for him, he grabs my breasts roughly and if I try and do anything he tells me to stop. He just really wants me to lay there and take it and somehow, he thinks that I am going to orgasm from this?”

Henry with eyes wide, “I had no clue. I thought she was liking it. The issue is that she takes so damn long to have an orgasm. I try everything and she won’t cum. I have never been with a woman like her before with these challenges.”

“How long do you two focus on foreplay typically and how long does your sexing last in total?” I inquire.

Monica rolls her eyes while Henry answers,” Foreplay maybe five to ten minutes and the same for the actual sex.”

“Are you aware that it takes a woman 20–40 minutes of foreplay, that’s kissing, touching, snuggling, oral sex, feeling loved and cared for physically to be ready for actual physical penetration? Without this her body takes physical damage. The lining of her vaginal walls can easily tear, she does not have adequate blood flow to her vagina, her clit, and her cervix is not soft and flexible. This is just the physical aspects. If we look at hormone response no healthy chemicals have dropped down to trigger arousal yet, and her emotional response is most likely armored as she is still thinking about everything else and also fearful that she won’t get the time to drop down into her body and connect to herself or you.”

THREE SEPARATE COUPLES TALES- ONE ISSUE

These three couples have all been together for different time frames. They have different levels of bonding with each other, and they all have their own unique wants in sexual relationship, however the common agendas you may see are:

  • Men focusing on a goal of orgasm through speed, action and frequency
  • Women focusing on intimate connection, slowing down, touch, laughter, courting and then letting that lead to orgasm potential

Men wonder why women have issues getting aroused after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, and that can be anywhere from six to eighteen months into a serious relationship where the new relationship energy (NRE) starts to wear off. The culprit is pretty simple:

    Men stop courting, stop romancing, stop applying themselves. They stop hunting the woman and connecting to her emotionally and mentally. They may stop doing all the things that they were doing even for themselves to make themselves more desirable or to feel confident and strong. In other words, men capture what they are going after and then turn their attention to the next hunt, which is not their woman any longer. This happens because men feel settled in the relationship and since men are linearly focused and compartmentalize everything, they believe that they can now change focus and the relationship will just maintain itself.
  • Women lose interest a lot quicker than men do it is shown in studies, but women once committed will stay the course of the relationship and put attention to building a family, a home or their career and forfeit the depth of intimacy or sexual arousal for the sake of security and to be cared for with a man. Women seek out love and security and they give sex to gain these things. As much as a woman desires orgasms and sexual pleasure, just like men do, women will disregard them and accept not having them to assure stability and overall relationship peace. When a woman is not being hunted by her mate any longer, when her mate stops trying to impress her with his strength, intelligence, manliness you could say, her desire and arousal dwindle. When she is not being courted and romanced, her sexual desire is limited and often will be buried for years without notice.
  • Women lie to their men about orgasm. Why? In studies it has been revealed that over 80% of coupled women do not have orgasms in their sex with their partner. The vast majority of women in the world understand that men believe that a few moans, some nails on the back, some laughter and deep breathing or hip rotating are signs of a woman having a “real O” and so they make use of this to make their man feel accomplished and then they take care of themselves when alone. It is again all about keeping the peace in the mind of the woman. Women know that they need time and attention to achieve the result their mate wants for them but is not willing to slow down and give, and so they train their man to believe that they only need five to fifteen minutes, no foreplay, no courting or romance.
  • Men have a tough time accepting, believing or even understanding that their sex is polar opposite from their female partner’s sex. Nature made us opposites in how we function, think, view the world, open to pleasure, emotionalize things and most certainly to our needs and wants sexually. For men sex happens outside of the body and is stimulated through visual stimuli, touch, sound, smell. It is an act that he can witness and feel control around. For women sex happens inside her body, she must allow and open up her body to her partner and trust that she will not be harmed. For her to feel him at all she must exit her mind and enter her heart allowing him in there as well with trust. A woman is stimulated through her mind and heart which causes an emotional response which leads her to her body.

Over and over again, I meet couples like these three I share here today with you and what I see is that disconnect and the expectation on both sides. I see the lack of integrity from the women out of fear of abandonment and hurting their partners ego’s. I see the men fearful of sinking in and letting themselves feel their hearts and become emotional with their woman out of fear that they will not have the stamina of even five minutes, so in turn they want their woman to sex like a man. I tell you though, this will never be. There are women out there that will argue these words and say that they are good with the quickie, that they don’t like or want foreplay or even courting. They will proclaim that they always have an orgasm. And some are being truthful, but the majority are hiding their pain because they are trying to live up to the new standard where women are to be men in all aspects of their lives: Including their sex.

And to this I say, how sad our world has become.

How doomed our intimate relationships are.

We claim to want connection.

To be loved and to love.

We say that we want integrity, intimacy and happiness.

And we have been brainwashed into believing that we can achieve these things with limited time, focus, dedication or commitment. That they will not and should not require us to go deeper within ourselves. Nor should we have to work at earning the trust of others’ vulnerability and we most certainly should not have to keep up the hunt, do the maintenance and ongoing work of having what we say we want and keeping it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here are 3 Ways To Improve Your Sex Life’

By Zoë Kors

I had a ten-year sexless marriage in my twenties. There, I said it. I married a man I loved dearly. He was loving, funny, and gorgeous, but the thought of having sex with him made my skin crawl. Eventually, I left.

What was missing for me, where gynecology and therapy fell short, was that I gained no understanding of how my emotional relationship with my husband affected my physical relationship with him. I was still left wondering how a healthy, educated, self-aware young woman who loved her husband had inexplicably lost her sex drive. This set me on a lifelong path of exploring the true nature of sexuality.

My extensive exploration included reading and researching the fields of psychology, neuroscience, meditation, and mysticism. It wasn’t until ten years later that my personal mission became my professional calling. When I opened my private practice as a sex coach, what surprised me most was the nearly universal disorientation inside the topic of sex. Conversation after conversation led me to realize how little most of us know about our bodies, our minds, and our hearts when it comes to our intimate relationships.

It’s only now that I am able to look back and see the micro and the macro of my relationship with my husband, in and out of bed, and recognize that skillful navigation of our sexual relationship would have spared us both a decade of suffering inside what was otherwise a loving and respectful partnership.

More than a dozen years on and having worked with thousands of clients, I am able to help others navigating the mysterious landscape of sex and intimacy. Whether it’s desire discrepancy, low or non-existent sex drive, or just plain boredom in the bedroom, I find myself saying what I wished I heard all those years ago, “There’s a way out. It doesn’t have to be like this.” Here are my three secrets to improving your sex life:

Stop making orgasm the goal of sex

Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are great. If we all had more orgasms, I’m sure the world would be a better place—especially women, for whom “the orgasm gap” is real. However, when we mistake orgasms to be the goal of sex, we miss the opportunity to experience all kinds of pleasure along the way.

Something I ask my clients to do is take the possibility of orgasm off the table for a predetermined period of time—usually two to four weeks. Whether they are having partnered or solo sex, I encourage them to continue to engage in sex but to stop short of having orgasms. In doing so, I invite them to explore their relationship with pleasure.

My client, Kate, had a history of struggling to reach orgasm with a partner, an issue she didn’t encounter when she was with herself. She reached out to me when she had entered into a new relationship and didn’t want to fall into her familiar pattern of not being able to have an orgasm during sex and all the compensating behaviors, including faking orgasms to spare her partner’s ego. I had her invite her partner into a “pleasure laboratory” in which they experimented with giving each other all kinds of pleasure while stopping short of orgasm. What they found was life-altering, as Kate put it. Not only did she find a new level of pleasure, but she reported finally being able to “get out of her head” during sex. Shortly after she and her partner ended their orgasm moratorium, she climaxed for the first time ever with a partner.

I have observed that when we slow down and give our bodies a chance to open-up gradually to the natural stages of arousal, we also give our minds the opportunity to process and be present with what is happening moment to moment.

Master Your Instrument

When I was in high school, my girlfriends and I had a book called, “Our Bodies Ourselves” published by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. It was like an owner’s manual for our young evolving bodies. It gave me a good start to understanding my body and how it worked, but, years later, when my sex drive inexplicably disappeared and I was struggling in my sexless marriage, one thing that would have helped me would have been to have an even greater depth of knowledge, not just about my anatomy but my physiology.

When it comes to sex, knowledge is power. There are plenty of sources for science-based information at our fingertips about the physiology of sex.

Beyond what you can learn about your sexual response cognitively, learning about your body experientially will directly contribute to your enjoyment of sex. My client Grace is a good example of how this works. Grace was raised to believe that sex before marriage is dangerous and immoral. Masturbation was warned against as well. When Grace became an adult, though she remained close to her family, she rejected many of the values and perspectives from her childhood.

After college, she moved across the country, launched her career, met someone, and got engaged. It was then that she reached out to me because she felt intimidated by having sex with her partner, who was much more experienced. Her partner was a generous lover and asked her regularly about her sexual preferences; what she likes and how to touch her. Grace didn’t have answers to any of these questions. Although she didn’t believe self-pleasure was philosophically wrong, it wasn’t something she did often and even when she did, she felt conflicted, guilty, or a little embarrassed.

I invited Grace to create a pleasure laboratory all for herself. By exploring her body—in its entirety, not just her genitals—she would be able to learn how her body responded to various types of touch. Just like with Kate, I suggested she see the experience of sensation as the goal in the lab, and to remove orgasm as the destination. Each session should last at least 30 minutes before climax, giving her plenty of time to feel fully her stages of arousal.

Grace came back to me after two weeks of intentional self-pleasure with a completely new outlook. She reported that until that time, she hadn’t even known what her body was capable of feeling. She said she felt like an entirely new version of herself.

Grace then took her discoveries to her partner and invited her to join in the experiments. Not only was she able to answer her partner’s questions, but together they found answers to even more questions they didn’t know to ask.

Our ability to connect powerfully with each other is magnified exponentially when we master own instrument and mutually share that information with our lovers.

Start scheduling sex

Hollywood often has us believing that sex has to be spontaneous in order to be good. That the “tear each other’s clothes off” sex is the way it’s always supposed to look.

Many of us likely did have spontaneous sex early in our relationships, before living together and responsibilities such as shared bills, kids and chores became part of the equation. We rarely feel the kind of insatiable and simultaneous desire for each other that we did early on.

My second husband and I solve this problem by scheduling sex. It’s not that we don’t have spontaneous sex, it is that we intentionally create opportunities for spontaneity to happen. If you think about it, that’s exactly what we did when we were dating: we carved out time to devote to each other. We anticipated that time with excitement, made plans, showered, dressed, put down our devices, and focused on each other. We created the conditions in which desire, and great sex, could flourish.

Now, many years later, we continue to do the same thing by scheduling sex. Doing so sends a signal to ourselves and each other that we care enough to nourish a very tender and delicious aspect of our relationship.

No matter who you are and who you like to have sex with, I believe that the key to having a great sex life is to form a deeply intimate relationship with ourselves first. We can meet each other only to the extent that we can meet ourselves. While it can be challenging to form an organically healthy relationship with this very tender part of ourselves, taking the time to get intimate with ourselves allows us to share and receive each other in a way that make sex profoundly more intimate.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This Is the Key to Unlocking Your Best Sex Yet

— Solo or Partnered

By Crystal Raypole

Sex is a natural human desire. Many people enjoy physical intimacy and want more of it. Sex with new or multiple partners, different kinds of sex, better sex with your current partner — all are completely normal goals.

Yet, sometimes, it can feel as if improving your sex life is easier fantasized about than done.

Sure, you can find plenty of practical guides offering physical tips for better sex to people of any gender or anatomy.

But good sex doesn’t just involve your body. Your emotions and mood also play a pretty big part.

Like other aspects of wellness, good sexual health relies on the mind-body connection.

This interaction between mind and body can have some significant implications for emotional and physical health, both in and out of the bedroom.

Positive emotions such as joy, relaxation, and excitement help boost physical pleasure and satisfaction.

At the same time, distraction, irritability, and stress can all settle into your body, affecting your ability to remain present and fully enjoy experiences — from G- to X-rated — as they come.

Here’s the good news about the mind-body connection: Improvements in one area often yield similar improvements in the other.

In other words, increased emotional awareness could just help you have the best sex of your life. Nurturing this connection may take a little work, but these tips can help you get started.

Mindfulness refers to your ability to stay present in the moment.

Robyn Garnett, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who specializes in sex therapy, describes mindfulness as “being fully engaged in an activity, fully experiencing the moment with physical senses rather than the thinking mind.”

You can probably imagine how a lack of mindfulness can detract from a sexy experience.

You might try to stay focused, for example, but thoughts of that midterm you need to study for, the pile of dishes in the sink, or how early you have to get up in the morning keep creeping in.

This fragmented awareness is incredibly common, but learning to boost powers of observation in other areas of life can help you overcome it.

As you go about your day, pay more attention to your body. How do you feel when you exercise? Eat breakfast? Walk to work? Do chores?

Notice the physical and emotional sensations that come up. What feels good? Not so good? If your thoughts start to wander away from the activity, gently return them to what you’re doing.

Many people find meditation and yoga make it easier to get in tune with emotions and practice mindfulness throughout the day.

If you have trouble expanding your awareness alone, giving these wellness practices a try could help.

It can take some time to get the hang of mindfulness, but the increased self-awareness that develops as a result can facilitate greater connection during sex.

Generally speaking, great sex means everyone involved is getting their needs met on some level.

It’s fine to want to please your partner(s), but you should also have some idea of what you enjoy and want from a sexual encounter.

Staying present during sexual encounters, whether solo, partnered, or multipartnered, can help you notice:

  • what types of touch feel best
  • how your body feels from moment to moment (let yourself move naturally)
  • the noises you and your partner(s) make (don’t be afraid to make noise, even when on your own!)
  • how your breath and movements speed up and slow down (take time to enjoy yourself instead of rushing toward climax — unless that’s what you’re into!)

When something feels good, don’t be shy about speaking up. Discussing what you like and want more of can strengthen your connection and lead to even better sex.

The same goes for things you don’t love. Participating in activities you dislike, just for a partner’s benefit, can lead to disconnection (or dread) during sex.

Also keep in mind: Good sex doesn’t always require a partner. In fact, exploring sexual interests through masturbation can help you get more comfortable with your desires.

It becomes much easier to communicate with partners when you know exactly what you enjoy — if you do choose to share with a partner, that is. Solo sex can be equally fulfilling!

First of all, you can have fantastic sex without maintaining a romantic relationship.

(That said, if you’ve tried no-strings-attached sex and find it somewhat lacking, it’s worth considering that you may need more of an emotional connection.)

If you are in a relationship, though, you’ll want to take into account the ways stress and conflict can affect not just individual well-being but also partner interactions.

It’s often easier to recognize serious issues threatening your relationship, but smaller concerns can also build up, adding to worry and anxiety.

If you don’t know how to bring these issues up, even minor problems can cause strain and affect overall emotional wellness over time.

These effects can make it more challenging to connect with your partner and enjoy intimacy.

If you’re struggling to connect with your partner — physically or emotionally — couples counseling can offer a safe, judgment-free space to explore the issue and work on healthy, productive communication.

Arousal takes time and effort for many people. Some days, you might just not feel it (totally normal, in case you wondered). Regardless, you might want to go ahead with it anyway.

Maybe you don’t get a lot of chances to have sex and think you should make the most of it, or perhaps you don’t want to let your partner down.

Keep in mind, though, your body usually knows what it’s talking about.

Remember, your mind and body work together, so pushing yourself to connect intimately when you’re drained, tired, achy, or unwell generally doesn’t end well.

Instead of fully engaging with your partner, you might get distracted, notice physical discomfort or annoyance at being touched a certain way, or have difficulty maintaining arousal and having an orgasm.

Your good intentions could even trigger conflict if your partner notices you’re less than enthusiastic.

It’s always better to communicate instead of trying to force a mood you don’t feel. You can still enjoy yourselves without having sex.

In fact, Garnett explains, exploring nonsexual activities together could promote more meaningful connection that can, in turn, lead to an improved sexual relationship.

Don’t forget: A sexual partner who doesn’t respect your physical needs and tries to pressure you into having sex anyway is not one worth keeping.

Sex therapy might sound a little terrifying when you don’t know what to expect, but it’s basically just talk therapy.

“It provides a space for you to openly discuss concerns and potential barriers so you can better understand your own needs,” Garnett says.

“Sometimes the inability to enjoy sex comes down to a misunderstanding of your own body, so psychoeducation is often where the conversation starts,” she says.

Garnett explains that while your sex therapist might suggest activities for you to try outside of therapy, by yourself or with a partner, sex therapy itself doesn’t involve touch or demonstrations.

Your primary goal in sex therapy is exploring any issues potentially affecting your sex life, such as:

Although mental health symptoms can affect sexual desire and contribute to difficulties enjoying intimacy, the reverse is also true.

If you find intimacy challenging, for whatever reason, you might become anxious when thinking of sex or feel so low that your arousal fizzles out.

This can create an unpleasant cycle. Not only can missing out on the benefits of sex bring your mood down further, you might notice tension between you and your partner if you don’t communicate what you’re feeling.

A professional can help you take a holistic look at the challenges in all areas of life, from work stress and sleep troubles to normal life changes, and consider how they could be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.

Better sex might not happen overnight, but dedicated efforts toward increased mindfulness can help you employ the mind-body link to improve self-awareness.

This stronger connection within yourself can pave the way toward a powerful, more deeply satisfying sexual connection with others.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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List of Erogenous Zones for Better Intimacy

By Molly Burford

Sexual health is important for your overall health and well-being. Sexual health encompasses everything from getting routinely screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to simply knowing what you like in the bedroom. One way to improve your sex life is by knowing your erogenous zones.

Essentially, an erogenous zone is any part of the body that can trigger sexual arousal when touched.1 For example, the nape of your neck or your wrist can potentially elicit pleasurable feelings when stimulated. That said, everyone’s erogenous zones are different.

Knowing both your and your partner’s erogenous zones will enhance your sexual experiences. This article will discuss what you need to know about erogenous zones.

Why Are Erogenous Zones Stimulating?

Certain areas of the body, including the erogenous zones, have a higher density of touch receptors. This is why your fingertips are more sensitive to touch than your elbow. Touch receptors respond to touch and convey the information via your nervous system to an area of the brain called the somatosensory cortex. Not only does the somatosensory cortex process sensory information, but it’s also involved in regulating our emotions and moods.2

Immediate Gratification vs. Foreplay

When it comes to sex, the build-up is everything. While reaching orgasm immediately may sound appealing to some, foreplay is a crucial component for both reaching orgasm and experiencing one to its fullest potential. Try using slow, erotic touching to explore your and your partner’s erogenous zones and build arousal.

Nerve Bundles

Nerves are the nervous system’s main communicators, carrying electrical signals to and from different parts of the body. A collection of nerve endings is known as a nerve bundle. Erogenous zones are thought to contain many nerve bundles, which is why they are so sensitive to touch.

Non-Genital Zones

Everyone is different, but in general, these are believed to be the most common non-genital erogenous zones:3

  • Head and hair
  • Eyes and temples
  • Cheeks
  • Mouth/lips
  • Ears
  • Nape of neck
  • Shoulder blades
  • Upper back
  • Upper arms
  • Breasts/chest
  • Nipples
  • Stomach
  • Belly button
  • Forearms
  • Wrists
  • Hands
  • Fingers
  • Sides
  • Lower back
  • Hips
  • Outer thighs
  • Buttocks
  • Back of thighs
  • Inner thighs
  • Pubic hairline
  • Behind knees

Below the Waist

When it comes to genital erogenous zones, the most common include:3

Try Solo-Play

Solo-play, aka masturbation, is a great way to explore your sexuality, learn about your body, and become in-tune with what you might enjoy during partnered sex. After taking time to learn about your bodies individually, you can decide to give mutual masturbation a go.

Some tips for a healthy masturbation practice include:

  • Washing hands before and after
  • Keeping nails clean
  • Avoiding eye area while masturbating
  • Not sharing sex toys
  • Properly cleaning sex toys after each use

Summary

Erogenous zones are parts of the body that trigger sexual arousal when stimulated. These include both genital and non-genital areas.

Knowing your and your partner’s non-genital erogenous zones can help enhance your sex life. But, of course, everybody will have different erogenous zones, which is why exploration, partnered or otherwise, can be helpful.

Communicating with your sexual partners about each other’s preferences is absolutely key to a safe, happy, and healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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All About Arousal

By Eleanor Hadley

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to sex? Hands up who can relate to this? You get home, see your girlfriend curled up on the couch. You feel horny, so you go over and start laying on the moves. But she’s not up for it and shuts you down. Again. You feel rejected and sexually frustrated. Why doesn’t she want sex?

What if I told you that the issue isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t want sex at all, or that she isn’t into you anymore. But instead, it’s all about context. A fundamental mismatch in libido is really common in relationships where one partner seems to always be horny at the drop of a hat, but the other doesn’t feel that same pull. There are a lot of factors that can impact our level of arousal and our desire for sex, and most of them fall into whether we are actively turned on or turned off.

In my work with women, some of the biggest concerns they come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners. This all gets exacerbated of course if their male partner is pressuring them in any way, or making them feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them. They tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing or that there’s something wrong with them if they no longer feel like sex as much as they once did.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

Let’s think of our libido, our ‘sex drive’ like a car. We need a good balance between using the brakes and the accelerator, and it all depends on the situation as to which we need. Now, if we have our foot slammed on the brakes, no matter how much you rev the engine, the car won’t move, right? Similarly, the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake without pressing down the accelerator. The same goes for arousal. In order for us to feel ready and excited for sex, we need to first take our foot off the brake, and then accelerate. Essentially, we need to turn off the things that turn us off and turn on the turn-ons.

Sounds simple right? Well, everyone’s brakes (what turns them off) and accelerators (what turns them on) are different. Not only do we all have unique and individual turn-ons and turn-offs, but the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators will vary widely between people too. To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes. Let’s explore the difference between the two sexual arousal systems.

The Accelerator

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your sexual accelerator or your turn-ons. It’s in constant pursuit of pleasure, working below the level of consciousness and scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli. It looks for things in your sensory world – what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear – and sends a message to your brain (and sometimes your genitals) to turn on.

Possible turn-ons could be things like:

  • Mood lighting
  • Seeing a partner’s naked body
  • Feeling desired by their partner (without pressure)
  • The smell of your lover’s fragrance
  • Sexy music
  • Seeing your lover in their element
  • Certain types of touch (sexual and non-sexual)
  • Eye contact
  • Deep conversation
  • Sex Toys
  • Imagined scenarios

The Brakes

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual brake, or your turn-offs. This system is perpetually scanning your environment for possible threats and reasons not to be aroused because nobody wants a random boner at a family dinner, right? This system is incredibly important in our everyday life, but if our brakes are highly sensitive then they can hinder our sexual experience. This is why we want to do what we can to take our foot off the brakes when it comes time to get down. Our SIS can be split into two categories, internal and external.

Internal:

  • Body image insecurities
  • Performance anxiety
  • ‘Meaning’ (eg: are we dating?)
  • Being up in your head
  • Feeling distracted or rushed
  • Feelings toward the person
  • Not feeling seen or appreciated
  • Social consequences

External:

  • Harsh lighting
  • Fear of being caught
  • Concern around lack of protection/catching an STI
  • Fear of unwanted pregnancy
  • Temperature in the room
  • Messy environment
  • Safety in general (physical AND emotional)
  • Inappropriate context (eg a family dinner)

So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context. Everyone’s accelerators and brakes are different and have different levels of sensitivity, but these lists might give you more of an understanding of what your own turn-ons and turn-offs are so that you can share them with your partner. And similarly, discover what theirs may be.

So, the next time you’re wanting to get it on with your lover – pause and consider what you each might need in order to release the brakes and rev the engine. Enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Be A Better Kisser

— 26 Tips & Tricks From Sex Experts

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Kissing, making out, Frenching, locking lips…whatever you call it, it’s one of the most intimate and thrilling things that two people can do. And while the focus often lies on sex when thinking about how to be a better lover, perfecting your kissing game is just as (if not more) important. Here, we’ve collected a bunch of different tips to help you land your makeouts just right every time.

Why humans kiss.

To understand how to kiss better, it’s helpful to understand why humans kiss in the first place.

People kiss in order to express feelings of closeness and desire, as well as to amplify or intensify the arousal they might be feeling. “Kissing stimulates the brain’s pleasure regions, causing it to release a mix of hormones that leave you feeling oh-so-fantastic,” explains clinical psychologist Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D. “These molecules include oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which are pleasurable and promote feelings of affection and bonding.”

There are also myriad benefits of kissing, from helping to reduce stress levels to potentially supporting your immune system, according to Texas-based clinical psychologist Ana Ortiz-Lugo, PsyD., HSP. And within relationships, kissing serves a vital role in that it can help heal tensions and promotes closeness. It is also often a vital part of a couple’s sex life and a way to show intimacy outside of the bedroom. While relationships can often go a long time without sex without the intimacy between two people necessarily being lost, Rosenberg says keeping up with kissing is essential for keeping the spark alive.

Interestingly, though, while we might think of kissing as something intrinsic to being human, it’s actually culturally specific and only observed in around half of the world’s societies.

Tips & techniques to try:

1. Focus on your partner.

“The No. 1 most important trait of being a better kisser is paying attention to your partner’s response,” says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey. “Too often we learn a ‘technique’ and become completely dedicated to that way of doing things.” The goal of kissing shouldn’t be mastering one particular “move” but to get to know your partner’s particular desires.

2. Ask, ask, ask!

“It’s so obvious, but many people are scared to ask their partner what they like because they think it will make them look foolish. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite!” says Carey. “Your partner may be sitting on a few things they want to tell you but don’t know how to bring it up.”

If it feels intimidating, you can think of it as a sexy and fun way to learn together instead of something that indicates that something has been “wrong” up until now. You can say, “I want to kiss you even better, so let’s spend 15 minutes teaching me exactly what you like and how you like it. Then we can turn the tables, and I’ll do the same for you!”

3. Prioritize kissing.

Often kissing is thought of as a precursor to sex, instead of an intimate activity in its own right. Set time aside where you focus just on kissing. You can ramp up the excitement by telling your partner you can only kiss and not take off any clothes for X number of minutes. By focusing purely on kissing, you’ll become more adept at it.

4. Make eye contact.

Before going in for the kiss itself, “lock eyes with your partner, give a sensual smile, and slowly lick your lips with a twinkle in your eye,” says sexuality coach Renee Adolphe. By establishing eye contact before making physical contact, you ramp up the anticipation and sexiness. (See also: the viral psychology love eye trick.)

5. Draw out the anticipation.

“Linger in the stages before the kiss,” adds sex educator Suzannah Weiss. “Run your hands through each other’s hair, touch each other’s faces and bodies. Graze your lips against theirs before going in for the kiss. Kiss other parts of their face before going toward their lips. Try to keep teasing each other like this until you can’t take it anymore.”

6. Build it up.

Once you get into it, start with the softest, most feathery kisses you can manage, suggests clinical psychologist and sex therapist Lori Beth Bisbey, Ph.D. Then slowly work up to kissing harder and faster. You can also use your hands at the same time to caress and passionately grab your partner for extra emphasis.

7. Use your tongue.

“Work on your tongue game,” encourages Bisbey. Try different patterns and strokes, alternating pressures and rhythms. See what your partner responds well to when it comes to this so-called French kissing.

8. Don’t be afraid to bite.

You can tug on your partner’s lips with your teeth if that’s something that they’re into. Just make sure not to bite too hard, too suddenly, says Bisbey. People’s mileage may vary with biting, so ask before diving in.

9. Suck it.

You can try sucking briefly on your partner’s tongue—bring it deep into your mouth while creating a brief but strong suction action and then gently release it, says sex therapist Lori Lawrenz, Psy.D., of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

10. Involve your whole body.

Weiss also recommends making kissing a full-body experience: “Playfully lean forward and away as you kiss your partner. Graze your hands over their arms and legs. Grind your hips against theirs if that’s something you’re both comfortable with,” she recommends. These actions help to increase the desire between the two of you and add an edge to your kisses.

11. Pay attention to your partner’s reactions.

“Look at how your kissing partner reacts when you kiss their neck, nibble their ear, do a playful lip bite, or slip your tongue in,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. By being mindful of these things, you’ll know whether or not your partner is into what you’re doing and then you can make adjustments.

12. Kiss places other than their mouth.

Kissing doesn’t have to be limited to mouth-on-mouth. Play around with other places to kiss on your partner’s body. Try their eyelids, their nose, the crook of their arm. (Here’s our full guide to erogenous zones, too.)

13. Be a tease.

Another fun way into a make-out session: “Play a game where you lick your partner’s lips, but as soon as they try to reciprocate, you pull away. Don’t let them know what you’re doing; just keep pulling away until they finally understand that if they want your kissing, nibbling, licking, and teasing, they have to lie back and receive it,” suggests Carey.

14. Focus inward.

“Kiss mindfully,” suggests body coach Sarah Bick. “Notice everywhere your lip touches theirs. Home in to the sensation.” When you force yourself to be in the moment instead of letting your mind wander, the pleasure you feel from the kiss will be intensified.

15. Get into the groove.

Certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, recommends that you practice relaxation techniques so that your body isn’t tense while making out. A few stretches can ground you in your body and make you a little looser so that you can really find your rhythm and have fun without feeling tight or stressed.

16. Pamper your lips.

Before you actually get to the kissing, AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessica Kicha, LMHC, recommends making sure that you always have a soothing lip balm on hand to ensure your pout is silky smooth. “No one likes kissing chapped lips!”

17. Brush up.

It’s also important to stay on top of your oral hygiene, says Kicha. Make sure you brush and floss at least twice a day. A quick swill of mouthwash before a kissing session is also considerate. You want your date to focus on how good it feels to kiss you, not on how much your mouth tastes like noodles.

18. Keep it fresh.

“If you are planning on kissing after a date scheduled around a mealtime, have mints on hand to refresh your mouth,” Oakland-based psychotherapist Julia Simone Fogelson, LCSW, adds. “This demonstrates to the person you are kissing that you care enough to do a little extra to make sure they have a positive kissing experience with you.”

19. Get consent.

“There’s nothing sexier than consent,” Fogelson says. “There will not always be the Hollywood movie moment where the two people dive in for a passionate kiss. A simple ‘Can I kiss you?’ with eye-gazing and a smile shows that you are into clear communication and respect.”

20. Follow their lead.

When you are moving your tongue into their mouth, check to see if they seem to be responding in kind. If so, keep going. If you feel like they are pulling away at all, bear that in mind and correct course, says Bat Sheva Marcus, LCSW, MPH, Ph.D.

21. Embrace awkwardness.

When you go in for the kiss, you and your partner might turn your heads in the wrong directions, you might bump heads or glasses, etc. Instead of getting flustered and pulling yourself and your partner out of the moment, try to keep it lighthearted. Laugh gently at yourself, and then try again, says therapist Renetta Weaver, LCSW.

22. Don’t forget to breathe!

“Take breathing breaks. Everyone needs to breathe,” says Marcus. It can be really easy to get swept up in the moment and not focus on your bodily needs. But if you don’t breathe regularly and deeply while making out, you risk getting dizzy and having to take a break.

23. Close your eyes.

“Closing your eyes increases the sensual nature of the kiss because it forces both parties to anticipate what will happen next. Not knowing exactly what will happen next is part of the excitement!” says marriage and family therapist Janine Piernas, M.A., LMFT. If you accidentally open your eyes to see your partner staring at you, it can be a little off-putting. Eyes closed is safest unless otherwise specified.

24. Use your hands.

Kissing is obviously mouth-centered, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your hands in on the action too. Use your hands to gently pull your lover’s hair or grab their butt or cup their face. Ask your partner where they most like to be touched while being kissed.

25. Positive feedback is everything.

“Want a kiss booster? Tell your partner they’re a good kisser. If that’s not how you feel, you can still give them compliments with some constructive critique in the middle,” says Moore. When giving constructive criticisms, use “I” sentences so it won’t look as if your kissing partner failed at kissing you. These statements soften the blow and make it easier for the other person to overcome.

26. Use your words.

Kissing is a way of expressing desire or affection without words, but the pleasure that you can derive from a kiss can be intensified if you also tell your partner how you feel about them before the kiss.

The takeaway.

Being a more thoughtful kisser can lay the foundation for a better, more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Increase the intimacy and create moments of real connection by treating kissing like something worthy of attention rather than just a step on the way to sex

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11 Ways To Have More Romantic Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Sometimes, you want sex that goes beyond the physical: sex that’s full of powerful emotions, simultaneously intense and tender, almost spiritual. Not just two bodies intertwining, but also two souls.

Sexual romance is the experience of expressing feelings of love, passion, and care through erotic touch. So, to have more romantic sex, you’ll want to find ways to communicate how you feel about your partner through your sexual actions.

With that in mind, here are a few ways to make sex more romantic, from sexuality experts:

1. Learn what your partner finds romantic.

“Romance is relative,” sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recently told mbg. What you find romantic might be different from what your partner finds romantic, which might be different from what the next person finds romantic. So, take time to actually ask your partner what sexual romance means to them, specifically.

This conversation itself can be fairly steamy. On an intimate date night, ask them about what intimate, passionate sex looks like to them. Ask them how they liked to be touched and held. You’re sure to enjoy the conversation that follows, and whatever else comes after that. “Talking about sex when you’re not having it can actually increase the quality of the sex you have tremendously,” Battle adds.

Then, deliver on whatever desires they shared with you. Not only will you be giving them pleasure in the exact way they like it, but they’ll also know you were really listening to them and care about making them feel good.

2. Get to know your partner’s inner world.

Sexual romance starts outside the bedroom. Because romantic sex is all about showing how you feel through sexuality, you first need to actually nurture that connection.

Take time to actually get to know your partner: their hopes, dreams, personal challenges, fears, and desires. Spend quality time with them, getting to know their soul well, from their adorable little quirks and to their most amazing, awe-inspiring qualities. When you can truly appreciate how wonderful your partner is, you’ll be better able to convey genuine adoration for them in bed.

3. Create a romantic environment.

One of the simplest ways to cultivate sexual romance is to physically set the right scene for your intimate activities, according to certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST. She recommends taking the time to create a romantic, sensual environment by attending to the five senses in your space.

“Getting creative with sensory experiences like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music, and so on can expand your sexual experience,” she recently told mbg. “Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions.”

4. Gaze into each other’s eyes.

Eye contact can instantly make sex more intimate, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. “Eye gazing can promote feelings of safety and attunement.”

Aim for sex positions that allow you to face each other, and even better if you can be close enough to really gaze into each other’s eyes throughout the act. Really try to see into your partner’s soul, and see them fully.

5. Kiss them in places other than their mouth.

Lay soft kisses all over their body, especially in the more tender and vulnerable places. A kiss on the back of the hand, the forehead, the shoulder, or the inner thigh—delivered oh so gently—can make the heart flutter and swell.

6. Hold hands.

Likewise, sometimes even the simple act of holding your partner’s hands during sex can make the experience all the more romantic. Interlock your fingers with theirs as you gaze into each other’s eyes and melt into each other.

7. Try the yab yum.

The yab yum, also known as the lotus sex position, is a classic Tantric sex position for a reason: It’s incredibly intimate and involves creating a deep, spiritual connection between partners. One partner sits upright on the ground or bed, and the other sits on their lap and wraps their legs around the base partner. From there, sex and relationship coach Prandhara Prem, M.A., recommends engaging in circular breathing together: as one partner breathes in, the other breathes out, creating a “circular flow” of energy exchange between you.

“The other breathing that you can do is breathing together in and out at the same pace,” Prem also shared with mbg. “This gets your heart to beat at the same rate, thereby allowing you to be more empathetic with each other and know what the other is feeling.”

8. Be romantic in your day-to-day life.

In general, if you’re actively cultivating romance in your daily life, you’ll find that romance translating more easily into your sex life.

“Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship,” clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., recently told mbg. “Romantic partners don’t need to be a specific personality type; they can be introverts, ambiverts, or extroverts. A romantic partner, however, does need to be attentive, thoughtful, willing, creative, and considerate of [their] partner’s secret (and not-so-secret) longings.”

Try showing affection for your partner more actively by planning special experiences for them, kissing them passionately in random moments, writing a love letter, or other romantic gestures.

9. Cuddle more.

According to research by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., psychologists and founders of The Gottman Institute, cuddling is strongly correlated with a good sex life. “Ninety six percent of the non-cuddlers said they had a bad sex life,” John told mbg in a recent podcast episode, referencing a survey they conducted of some 70,000 people across 24 countries.

So, cuddle more often in your day-to-day lives. You might even consider getting more creative with your cuddling positions. (See also: spooning sex.)

10. Practice aftercare.

Continue showing care for your partner after the sex is over, so they know the intimacy you’ve just shared extends beyond just the sexual realm. “If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you’re overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection,” trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg.

Aftercare refers to checking in with each other after a sexual experience to reconnect and make sure you both feel good about it. “Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other’s feelings, and clear up anything that you weren’t able to mention during sex,” Nguyen explains.

11. Say what you’re feeling.

If you want a sexual moment to be more romantic, sometimes it’s as simple as saying what’s on your mind. This isn’t about whispering sweet nothings but rather opening up to be truly vulnerable with your emotions. How does your partner make you feel? What do they mean to you? What do you love about them—their personality, the way they look, the little things they do that pull you in? Let them know, right there and then in the middle of the act.

The more ways you can find to communicate your feelings for your partner during sex, the more romantic your sexual experiences will be.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need To Know About Outercourse

(Sex Without Penetration)

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

What is outercourse?

Outercourse is a term that generally encompasses any type of non-penetrative sexual play, says sex educator Cassandra Corrado. “So it might include handjobs, nipple stimulation, perineal massage, cunnilingus—anything that stimulates the outside of the body for sexual pleasure.”

Notably, outercourse has a broad definition and can mean different things depending on who you ask. For some people, outercourse is any sexual activity that isn’t penis-in-vagina sex, while others define it more strictly as only sexual acts that don’t involve any penetration whatsoever.

Often, someone’s definition of what counts as outercourse is influenced by their reasons for wanting to practice it. A person who believes in waiting for marriage to have sex, for example, might see getting fingered vaginally as belonging to the realm of outercourse, whereas another person might not necessarily agree.

Some people see outercourse as a form of abstinence (i.e., voluntarily choosing to not have sex), while others see outercourse as just one of many types of sex. Outercourse can also be seen as encompassing any sexual activity that comes with a lowered STI risk or lowered chance of pregnancy, though notably, many forms of outercourse may still include skin-to-skin contact or an exchange of fluids, meaning there may still be some of these risks involved.

What behavior “counts” as outercourse.

Dry humping

Dry humping involves rubbing your genitals against your partner’s genitals or body, often with clothes still on. It can feel amazing and has a much lower risk of STI transmission and pregnancy than PIV sex. Dry humping might also entail someone rubbing their penis or clitoris between their partner’s butt cheeks or thighs in a simulation of intercourse. This involves more risk in terms of both STIs and pregnancy since ejaculate or vaginal lubrication is more likely to touch your partner’s genital mucous membranes or accidentally enter their vagina, and there’s skin-on-skin contact. (Here are some other ways to have a hands-free orgasm though, if you’re curious.)

Kissing

Good old making out can be considered a part of outercourse. Getting hot and heavy with your mouths is a simple yet fun erotic activity. (Read up on all the different types of kisses here, if you’re curious!)

Mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation can describe two different things. Firstly, it can mean partners touching each other at the same time, or it can mean partners touching themselves at the same time, usually while looking at one another. The latter option carries the lowest risk of STI transmission, in addition to being extremely hot. Try lying on opposite ends of the bed and forbidding yourselves from touching each other while you go to town on yourself. You can even do it over the phone!

Tribadism

Colloquially known as scissoring, this form of outercourse involves grinding two vulvas together in order to stimulate each person’s clitoris. Finding the right angle is key for scissoring success, so don’t be afraid to experiment with different positions to find what works for you.

Massage

Is there anything sexier than a massage? Rubbing, kneading, and stroking your partner’s body with your hands is a safe and extremely pleasant form of outercourse. The erotic pleasure that can be gained from feeling your partner’s body underneath your hands is unmatched.

Vibrators

An external vibrator is a great way to enjoy outercourse. Just apply to your clitoris, penis, perineum, or nipples, and buzz away. A vibrator is a great way to reach orgasm without needing someone else to touch you, which is useful if you’re interested in outercourse as a form of abstinence from partnered sex. Just make sure to clean your sex toys well, especially if you use them during partnered sex.

Fingering and handjobs

Using your hands on your partner’s genitals can be seen as a form of outercourse. However, if one person’s vagina or anus is being penetrated, then some people may view it as intercourse as opposed to outercourse. However, as noted, people’s definitions do vary.

Oral sex

Going down on your partner or giving them a blowjob can be considered as another form of outercourse, as it doesn’t involve vaginal penetration. Not everyone would agree on categorizing oral sex as outercourse, though, as it all depends on your parameters for what outercourse is or isn’t. Even though oral sex cannot get you pregnant, it can still spread STIs, so if you’re engaging in oral sex, you’ll need to use a barrier method such as a condom or dental dam to reduce the risk of transmission.

Does outercourse count as abstinence?

“Depending upon one’s personal, spiritual, or ethical background, abstinence has different meanings for different people,” explains sex educator and therapist Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., LCSW, CSE, CIMHP.

For some, abstinence means refraining from any and all sexual behaviors, including, but not limited to, intercourse. This definition is usually more common among people for whom living “a chaste life may be an important exercise of faith,” says Harris-Jackson.

Abstinence can also be understood as simply avoiding penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex, in which case outercourse could technically be understood as a form of abstinence. If you are practicing abstinence, Corrado recommends that you “talk with your partners about what that means to each of you. It’s best to be on the same page—and to also understand why some things are off the table and why others aren’t.”

Benefits of outercourse.

1. Decenters penetration

Sexuality educator Shemeka Thorpe, Ph.D., notes that outercourse is a good way to “take the pressure off viewing penetrative sex as the main source of pleasure.” By engaging in outercourse, you can learn ways to have orgasms that don’t have anything to do with PIV or penetrative sex, she says.

2. Lowers pregnancy risk

Outercourse comes with a lower chance of getting pregnant because the penis does not enter the vagina. However, it may not always eliminate the risk of pregnancy completely: “People can still get pregnant with outercourse because semen can exist in pre-cum; and there is a chance that pre-cum can make contact with the vulva [and then the vagina] and result in pregnancy,” warns Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

3. Gives you room to learn what you like

When assumptions that PIV=sex are off the table, people are left with more room to explore what gives them pleasure. Questions that can be asked might include “What kind of touch feels good to you? Where are the places that you especially enjoy being touched? How do you want to be touched, caressed, kissed, and/or held?” says Fred Wyand of the American Sexual Health Association.

4. Can soothe stressors

Due to outercourse’s less risky nature than PIV, it can contribute to a lowering of stress that might otherwise be present, says Harris-Jackson. Being able to enjoy sexual intimacy (especially if it’s a risk-free option such as a massage with no genital contact) without fear, or with less fear, can free oneself up to pleasure and mindfulness in the moment.

Risks of outercourse:

The risks can be misunderstood.

Rachel Lotus, a sex educator who focuses on sex education for young people, explains that one of the downsides of outercourse is that people might engage in it assuming that it’s risk-free. This is a myth that needs to be countered. Outercourse is less risky than PIV sex, but it is not risk free. Scissoring while nude, sharing sex toys, and oral sex are all examples of outercourse that can absolutely lead to the transmission of STIs.

It can inadvertently lead to intercourse.

This con is often touted as a reason not to have outercourse, the fear being that “engaging in outercourse may lead to the need, desire, or pressure to have [PIV] sex,” says Harris-Jackson. “It is worth noting, however, that this is not a risk inherent to outercourse. Instead, this concern is related to communication and consent. Having open and clear lines of communication with partners is essential. Be willing to be open and honest about expectations and boundaries. Discuss areas of ‘go’ and ‘no go’ on one another’s bodies as well as outercourse activities that are OK and not OK.”

She also advocates for the importance of being able to change one’s mind and remove or change the terms of consent. “Have such discussions in advance and continue the communication throughout,” she advises.

Is outercourse really “safe sex”?

No, outercourse isn’t necessarily “safe sex.”

“Any type of sex act comes with some level of risk, whether that’s risk of STI transmission, emotional vulnerability, physical harm, or social risk. There’s no one form of sex that’s inherently safe or unsafe,” Corrado explains. “If someone is including cunnilingus in their definition of outercourse, that’s oral sex—and it comes with the risk of STI transmission. But there is also how vulnerable someone feels during a sex act, if a particular sex act could trigger gender dysphoria, and if their partner can be trusted to keep what happens in the bedroom between them.”

Safer sex is achieved through a combination of communication, birth control (if relevant), and barrier methods. To make outercourse safer, you need to fit the protection to the act. For example, a condom will be effective (although not fail-proof) in preventing pregnancy if used while thrusting between your partner’s butt cheeks or thighs. However, a condom will not protect against herpes, for instance, as this STI is spread by skin-to-skin contact.

Likewise, to reduce the risk of STI transmission, a condom or dental dam needs to be used at any time during outercourse where there’s a risk that vaginal fluid or semen can touch your partner’s genitals or mouth.

The bottom line.

Whether you’re interested in avoiding penetration because of health reasons, simply aren’t interested in it, or want to protect yourself against pregnancy and STIs, outercourse can be a good choice for you. It’s even great for those who do engage in intercourse but who just want to mix it up a little. Just remember to stay safe and don’t assume that you’re protected just because no PIV is happening.

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5 Benefits Of Spooning

& Why You Should Do It More

by Sarah Regan

Spooning is easily one of the most well-known cuddling positions, and for good reason. Doubling as a sex position, it has so many benefits—for both your health and your relationship. Here’s everything you need to know about spooning, from variations to benefits and more.

Spooning is a cuddling position that typically involves two people lying on their side, facing the same direction, with the “little spoon’s” back against the front of the “big spoon.” The big spoon will often wrap their top arm around the little spoon.

As the name suggests, the position resembles the way spoons look when stacked, with their curves fitting together.Illustration of two men spooning.

How spooning benefits your relationship:

1. Increases intimacy

One of the biggest benefits of spooning is the feeling of closeness it fosters between partners. As licensed therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, MSW, LCSW-S, CST, tells mbg, it enhances intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy. “When people are thinking of intimacy, they immediately think of sexual intimacy, but there’s so many other types, and spooning can increase or enhance the emotional intimacy that we feel with someone,” she explains.

2. Fosters vulnerability & protection

Depending on whether you’re the big spoon or little spoon, this sleep position can foster feelings of vulnerability, safety, or protection. “With your partner lying behind you, holding you, you get the feeling of being supported and cradled,” certified sexologist Gigi Engle previously explained to mbg, adding, “It’s romantic because it gives you a feeling of unity and comfort.”

3. Releases feel-good hormones

Along with being good for your relationship, spooning (and cuddling or physical touch in general) releases feel-good hormones in your brain like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, according to Blaylock-Solar. “Also dopamine and serotonin are released in your brain when you are in close embrace with someone, and that’s what increases that feeling of closeness,” she notes.

4. May support your immune system

Speaking of those feel-good hormones, there are added health benefits of spooning thanks to all that oxytocin. As functional medicine practitioner William Cole, IFMCP, DNM, D.C., previously wrote for mbg, cuddling increases oxytocin, which boosts your T-regulatory cells—and those cells are essential for keeping your immune system balanced and strong.

5. Can help those dealing with pain and stress

Along with giving your immune system a hand, Cole also explains that research has shown oxytocin is actually able to help people dealing with pain, feelings of anxiousness, and even suboptimal digestion. This is because oxytocin boosts T-regulatory cells, which have anti-inflammatory actions, he explains.

Big spoon vs. little spoon.

Regardless of the actual sizes of the two people, the big spoon is the person who is embracing their partner from behind, and the little spoon is the person in front being embraced. Any gender can play either role, though typically the cis-het stereotype always has the man as the big spoon and the woman as the little spoon. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, Blaylock-Solar tells mbg it can be nice to switch it up sometimes.

“Being the one who is embraced can give you an opportunity to be in a vulnerable position where you can be supported,” she says, adding, “Often because of toxic masculinity, a lot of guys don’t feel they have space to do that, but being the one who’s embraced allows you to receive the benefit of that expressed vulnerability and knowing that you’re safe.”

When we’re in a safe and loving relationship, we have the opportunity to operate outside of those cultural constructs, Blaylock-Solar says. So while everyone may have their preference of being the big or little spoon, who doesn’t want to be held sometimes?

Positions & variations to try.

The standard spooning position is typically two people lying next to each other facing the same way, with the little spoon’s back against the big spoon’s front. But according to Blaylock-Solar, there are a few other positions that could be considered spooning.

For instance, one partner could lie on their back, while the other person lies across their chest, not quite all the way on top of them but enough that they’re essentially “spooning” them in a different way.

You could also spoon toward each other, with the little spoon curled up and the big spoon’s arms wrapped around them.

As Blaylock-Solar explains, “I think any position where one person is the holder and the other person is being held counts, and understand that for different body types, sizes, or abilities, you just have to figure out what works best for you.”

Spooning as a sex position.

While spooning doesn’t have to be sexual, it certainly can be, and since it doesn’t require a position change, cuddling like this can potentially get steamy if you want it to. Vaginal or anal penetration are both an option while spooning, and certified sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., previously told mbg that the spooning sex position is great for G-spot stimulation, lasting longer in bed, and having more intimate sex. She also says this is a good position to go for if you have a high sex drive or if you want to slow things down to last longer.

As far as having sex this way, Blaylock-Solar has a few tips. For one thing, you’ll want to be flexible—and not physically flexible but rather mentally flexible. “It may not look like what you’ve seen in porn, so understanding that it’s OK if your body looks a little different as you’re trying to get the right angle,” she says.

In addition to that, you can optimize the experience with things like pillows or wedges to help find the right angle. Blaylock-Solar adds that this is also a great position for using toys for different types of stimulation.

The bottom line.

Whether you’re spooning to cuddle or spooning to have sex, this position can be incredibly intimate, release feel-good hormones, and even support your holistic health. So, if it’s been a while since you did some spooning, consider it added to your to-do list.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!