Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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17 Intimacy Questions to Ask Your Partner

— Research finds that having these conversations guarantees a deeper connection

by Sarah Finley

When you’re in a relationship and life takes over — bills, children, and managing diaries — it’s hard to make time for each other and most importantly build on your intimacy. But making time for each other and getting to know each other better will help to build a happier future in which you grow together, rather than apart.

One way of doing this is finding the time to sit down together and ask each other intimate questions. Studies show that self-disclosure and open communication help build emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, which is especially important for relationship satisfaction.

But the level of intimacy you feel in a relationship ebbs and flows over time. It’s normal to occasionally grow distant from your partner, that’s why it’s crucial to prioritize your relationship to stay connected and curious.

Not sure what intimate questions to ask your partner? Finding the best relationship questions for couples can be tough, especially when you feel like you know them already. So here are 17 relationship questions scientifically proven to build intimacy and the research behind why they’re worth asking.

You don’t have to ask your partner all these questions (you can pick and choose the ones that resonate with you the most) and the answers aren’t what matters. The point is to spark a conversation, get to know one another on a deeper level, and focus on actively listening to your partner.

Ready to connect with your partner everyday?

Which do you prefer, kissing or hugging? Why?

We’re all different, but choices over physical intimacy can shape how we feel in relationships.

A study by Brigham Young University found that men and women usually prefer different forms of physical touch. According to the research findings, men prefer kisses or backrubs, while women like to be hugged.

What’s my best habit?

Instead of focussing on habits that annoy one another, this question looks at the positive habits we bring to a relationship. Appreciating each other’s strengths, one study found, meant more satisfying relationships and sex lives.

When did you last cry, and what was it about?

Being vulnerable in front of your partner or sharing a vulnerable moment is a great way to bond with your partner. Try to think back to the last moment you cried (beyond the last movie you blubbed in) and explore where that sadness came from.

What are the most important things on your bucket list?

Bucket list goals like completing a marathon or climbing a mountain sometimes feel completely out of reach, but by sharing the most important things you’d like to achieve with a partner it becomes a shared goal.

Studies have shown that shared goals give you both something to work towards and make both of you feel like you’ve achieved it. Working towards shared goals as a couple — as well as perceived partner support for individual goals — were both related to increased happiness in relationships.

What is the funniest thing that’s happened to you?

Humor is important in relationships, so the ability to share your hilarious or embarrassing moments (and be able to laugh about them) is paramount.

In fact, research shows that those in longer relationships tend to share a similar sense of humor, and couples who can laugh together reported high relationship satisfaction.

Is there anything you don’t feel comfortable joking about?

Setting your own boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries, whether they’re emotional or physical, is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.

In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab writes that boundaries are “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships”. Everyone has different boundaries, so it’s vital to openly communicate each other’s needs in a relationship in order to safeguard them.

What have you learned from past relationships that has helped you in your current relationship?

Sometimes it’s not wise to talk about past relationships, as it could make your partner feel jealous or inferior.

However, researchers Michele Berk and Susan Andersen found that participants who felt positively about a previous partner would view others with similar qualities more favorably, than those who spoke about negative aspects.

What’s one thing your best friend has taught you about relationships?

Ever wanted to be a fly on the wall when your partner has a night out with friends? Dr. John Gottman believes that a strong predictor of relationship stability is how much partners know about each other’s “inner worlds”. This knowledge helps them to remain connected in stressful times, rather than becoming strangers to each other.

What hobbies or activities do you wish you had more time for together?

If you’ve ever imagined donning matching golfing attire, then now is the time. Psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron found that starting a new hobby or activity as a couple, allows your relationship to grow and become more satisfying. Especially when you win at a couple’s game!

What would the perfect day look like for you?

Do you plan a day with all your favorite things and then wonder why your partner looks miserable?

Research from the University of Virginia shows that couples who devote time to one another at least once a week are likely to enjoy higher-quality relationships and lower divorce rates.

Is there a memory of your childhood that you love the most?

Finding out more about your partner’s past can connect you in ways that just looking at your present-day lives can’t.

Sharing good and bad memories of your childhood will help you see why your partner has become the person they are today, and better understand each other’s approach to romantic relationships.

What’s the hardest truth about love you’ve had to accept?

Unfortunately, real-life love isn’t like fairy tales or romcoms (much to most of our disappointments). But once we start to align our expectations of love, we can move forward.

Dr. Terri Orbuch found that partners who can identify each other’s personal expectations experience greater happiness and less frustration in their relationship.

How does your partner inspire you?

Do they work all hours to live out their dream? Do they make you want to be a better parent? Researchers at George Mason University found that the more we idealize our partners, the more satisfied we are — and in return, our partners will often work to meet that ideal too.

If you only had a month left to live, what would you do?

This question gives you the chance to open up and talk about your hopes and dreams for the future, which has been shown to help couples bond. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that a lot of conflict and resentment in relationships come back to unfulfilled dreams.

What area of our relationship would you like to improve?

It’s not easy to be open about areas of your relationship you may want to improve, but communicating how you can grow together is a positive move. In Kaplan and Maddux’s research on married couples, they found that couples who pursued goals together had more marital satisfaction.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

Money issues are one of the biggest things that couples argue about, so knowing you and your partner are on the same page can bring some relief.

Researchers at the University of Michigan found that the happiest couples tend to spend money in a similar way, whether that’s saving or indulging.

Do you ever feel distracted during sex? What by?

Try and discuss this question with your partner without judgment — we all have daily stresses that get in the way of sexual desire. According to researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, one way to concentrate during sex is “sensate focusing”. This is a technique where people focus on touching and being touched, taking information in through the senses while avoiding judgmental thinking. The goal is to be present and to experience sex in the moment.

If you’re looking for more questions to bond with your partner, Paired offers daily questions rooted in research to strengthen your relationship and improve communication.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Solo Sex Hurting Your Relationship?

By Danielle Page

So you’ve got a steady partner—and they are great. But sometimes, you’ve just got to *ahem* take care of yourself. Is this normal?

Or maybe you’ve walked in on said great partner doing the same thing. That can feel awkward at best and like a betrayal at worst. But is it actually cause for concern?

According to experts, yes and no, respectively. While talking about masturbation with your S.O. may be more uncomfortable than that last set of burpees, there’s no reason for the topic to be taboo. In fact, relationship pros say solo-time can help make sex with your partner even better.

Common misconceptions about masturbation

Just because you’re coupled up doesn’t mean your partner suddenly becomes solely responsible for your orgasms (or vice versa). “From a physiological and psychological perspective, moderate masturbation is completely normal and should be viewed as a relational enhancement,” explains John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand.

“Unfortunately, rather than being seen as the gift that it is, masturbation has been hijacked by individuals and institutions who feel the need to control other human beings,” he says. That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.

That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.

And the benefits of masturbation go beyond sexual satisfaction. “Masturbation improves self-confidence, reduces stress, and helps you sleep better,” explains sexologist Emily Morse, creator and host of the podcast Sex With Emily. “These widespread benefits are largely unknown, so we often can’t understand why our partners would need to please themselves without us.”

Bottom line: If you or your partner like to experience pleasure on your own from time to time, it’s not because of something the other partner is—or isn’t—doing. “We often interpret their solo routine to mean that we don’t satisfy them,” says Morse. “Which means they must not be attracted to us anymore.” Not true.

When does going it solo become an issue?

While masturbation is a positive thing in so many ways, it can be an issue if it starts to come between you and your boo. “If masturbation is replacing connecting physically with your partner, then it could negatively impact the relationship,” says psychologist Rachel Needle, PsyD. “In addition, if someone is getting used to an idiosyncratic style of masturbation that is hard to be replicated by a partner, it could impact partnered sexual activities.” If this sounds familiar, it’s not a bad idea to incorporate a toy that’ll be fun for both of you—like a couples vibrator.

It’s also important to be mindful of your masturbation frequency. “If you find yourself too dependent on porn or masturbation to get off, it may cause you to be unable to get aroused by your partner,” says Morse. “If a person starts to escalate the amount of time or the graphic nature of the content, it can desensitize them to healthy intimacy with their partner.”

How to make room for masturbation in your relationship the *healthy* way

At its best, masturbation in a relationship keeps both partners primed for satisfying sex with each other. “Sex is something we need to practice,” says Dr. Mayer. “Masturbation shouldn’t take the place of sex with your partner—it should be viewed as practice for the big game.”

And people who masturbate on the reg actually have “higher levels of sexual satisfaction,” Morse adds. “The more you reinforce the benefits of masturbation as a couple and as an [individual], while continuing to communicate about your sex life, the better sex you’ll have.”

If your or your partner feels insecure because of the other’s masturbation habits—and trust, this happens to the best of us—Morse recommends talking it through. “Reassure them that your masturbation routine has nothing to do with your feelings for your partner, or your sexual satisfaction,” she says. “The more that you encourage the talk about your individual self-love practices in an open and honest way without judgment or shame, the better it will be for your relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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If Your Sex is Goal Oriented, Then Expect Emotional Distance

— Here Is Why

Goal oriented sex creates emotional distance.

By Rene’ Schooler

“Men seek sex and hope for love. Women seek love and give sex.”

Patricia sits in my office crying, hands on her face, legs crossed, tears cascading down her cheeks as she sobs about Arthurs requests for sex and how she just is not interested.

“I love my husband, I really do, and that’s why I keep giving him sex as much as I can handle and pretend to enjoy it. I know that he needs it. I know that he wants it and that he is only happy if the goal is achieved.”

“And what goal is that?” I inquire.

“For us both to climax, to orgasm.” she responds.

Going on to tell me that he feels that this is a requirement of sex and that it is her duty to make sure that he achieves orgasm and that she does as well. As we speak over the course of multiple sessions, Patricia shares with me that her husband Arthur wants sex multiple times a day, most days, or at very least once a day. That the only times that he is okay with not having sex is when one of them is horribly ill and even then, it depends on what he deems as horribly ill, a migraine or sore throat is not on the list. She goes on to tell me that he wants each time to “sizzle” and be fresh and hot, saying that he wants adventure in their sex.

Over the years, like many couples Patricia and Arthur have gone through their fair share of life challenges with raising children, being a two-income household and working long hours to make ends meet and take care of responsibilities. They have fought about all the usual things and still proclaim to be committed and in love with each other, however as time goes on in my conversations with Patricia, I see that she is committed to loving Arthur but is not in love with him. She has bitterness and resentment toward him. She feels used and unseen, but like most women who have been in Patricias shoes she consistently chooses her wisest move of staying the course and allowing Artur his needs and wants without disagreement from her. She has invested over two decades into her marriage and does not want to do anything to cause issues, especially speaking up about her anger and pain or her needs with intimacy. And so, Patricia keeps giving Arthur what he wants and pretending it is all good to keep the peace.

THE TURN OFF OF ASKING FOR SEX

Rebecca and David came to me only three years into their marriage. David was frustrated that he was always the one to initiate sex as it seemed that Rebecca was either always too tired or just uninterested.

David asked for sex frequently only to be denied just as frequently by Rebecca. As I sat with the young couple and listened to their tale, I noticed that one of the main issues was that Rebecca had lost respect for her husband, she was not desiring him because he was acting out of neediness, and she knew that she could easily control him with sex.

“I work long hard days to support our growing family and future. I think she is stunning and sexy, and I just want to get close to her. I want to feel like she wants me too. Is it too much to ask that my wife want intimacy with me a few times a week?” inquires David.

“I work a part time job and take care of our one-year-old. I am exhausted at the end of the day and David comes homes, we have dinner, put Olivia down to bed, watch a show and then he says as we get into bed, ‘Can we have sex tonight?’ — it is such a turn off. Can’t he see that I am exhausted and not into it? Why does he ask like that? It’s like a kid in a store asking his mommy for candy…’Can I have this candy? PLEEAASSEE…” Rebecca says in disgust.

David goes on to share that he would not have to ask like that if she would just initiate when she was in the mood, but from his perspective she is never in the mood anymore and Rebecca’s rebuttal comes with the pain of feeling like she is just there to be his blow up doll as she says, he takes no interest in helping her with other things in the home or time to connect and speak to her about what’s happening in her work life or struggles of being a new mom. They don’t have time or money to get away from any connection and even though they eat out a lot, they no longer date.

WOMEN NEED TIME TO GET AROUSED — MEN NEED VISUAL STIMULATION

Monica and Henry started dating six months ago. They enjoyed being together, had lots of great conversations and laughter, spoke about longer-term goals together and were both feeling like this thing may really work out. They had waited to have sex until about a month in on dating seriously and like all first-time sexual encounters they had their mishaps and Henry’s stamina was not what either of them wanted it to be. Understanding, that this is often the case on the beginning side of intimate relationships, they both had patience and enthusiasm about learning each other and getting more familiar so that their sexual energy could be hot but also longer and steady. They shared about their sexual histories with each other, what they liked and did not like, what had worked well in the past and Monica was very vocal about her needs to take sex slowly, to build up with kissing and touching.

“I have told him repeatedly that I am not a light switch! You cannot give me a little peck of a kiss, rub some lube between my legs and stick it in and expect a miracle to happen.” she says in anger, going on to share, “it actually hurts me physically when he does that. Then he thinks that by slamming into me harder and faster that that is the trick. He pushes away from me, so he can watch my body, watch himself penetrating me, like it’s some live porn just for him, he grabs my breasts roughly and if I try and do anything he tells me to stop. He just really wants me to lay there and take it and somehow, he thinks that I am going to orgasm from this?”

Henry with eyes wide, “I had no clue. I thought she was liking it. The issue is that she takes so damn long to have an orgasm. I try everything and she won’t cum. I have never been with a woman like her before with these challenges.”

“How long do you two focus on foreplay typically and how long does your sexing last in total?” I inquire.

Monica rolls her eyes while Henry answers,” Foreplay maybe five to ten minutes and the same for the actual sex.”

“Are you aware that it takes a woman 20–40 minutes of foreplay, that’s kissing, touching, snuggling, oral sex, feeling loved and cared for physically to be ready for actual physical penetration? Without this her body takes physical damage. The lining of her vaginal walls can easily tear, she does not have adequate blood flow to her vagina, her clit, and her cervix is not soft and flexible. This is just the physical aspects. If we look at hormone response no healthy chemicals have dropped down to trigger arousal yet, and her emotional response is most likely armored as she is still thinking about everything else and also fearful that she won’t get the time to drop down into her body and connect to herself or you.”

THREE SEPARATE COUPLES TALES- ONE ISSUE

These three couples have all been together for different time frames. They have different levels of bonding with each other, and they all have their own unique wants in sexual relationship, however the common agendas you may see are:

  • Men focusing on a goal of orgasm through speed, action and frequency
  • Women focusing on intimate connection, slowing down, touch, laughter, courting and then letting that lead to orgasm potential

Men wonder why women have issues getting aroused after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, and that can be anywhere from six to eighteen months into a serious relationship where the new relationship energy (NRE) starts to wear off. The culprit is pretty simple:

    Men stop courting, stop romancing, stop applying themselves. They stop hunting the woman and connecting to her emotionally and mentally. They may stop doing all the things that they were doing even for themselves to make themselves more desirable or to feel confident and strong. In other words, men capture what they are going after and then turn their attention to the next hunt, which is not their woman any longer. This happens because men feel settled in the relationship and since men are linearly focused and compartmentalize everything, they believe that they can now change focus and the relationship will just maintain itself.
  • Women lose interest a lot quicker than men do it is shown in studies, but women once committed will stay the course of the relationship and put attention to building a family, a home or their career and forfeit the depth of intimacy or sexual arousal for the sake of security and to be cared for with a man. Women seek out love and security and they give sex to gain these things. As much as a woman desires orgasms and sexual pleasure, just like men do, women will disregard them and accept not having them to assure stability and overall relationship peace. When a woman is not being hunted by her mate any longer, when her mate stops trying to impress her with his strength, intelligence, manliness you could say, her desire and arousal dwindle. When she is not being courted and romanced, her sexual desire is limited and often will be buried for years without notice.
  • Women lie to their men about orgasm. Why? In studies it has been revealed that over 80% of coupled women do not have orgasms in their sex with their partner. The vast majority of women in the world understand that men believe that a few moans, some nails on the back, some laughter and deep breathing or hip rotating are signs of a woman having a “real O” and so they make use of this to make their man feel accomplished and then they take care of themselves when alone. It is again all about keeping the peace in the mind of the woman. Women know that they need time and attention to achieve the result their mate wants for them but is not willing to slow down and give, and so they train their man to believe that they only need five to fifteen minutes, no foreplay, no courting or romance.
  • Men have a tough time accepting, believing or even understanding that their sex is polar opposite from their female partner’s sex. Nature made us opposites in how we function, think, view the world, open to pleasure, emotionalize things and most certainly to our needs and wants sexually. For men sex happens outside of the body and is stimulated through visual stimuli, touch, sound, smell. It is an act that he can witness and feel control around. For women sex happens inside her body, she must allow and open up her body to her partner and trust that she will not be harmed. For her to feel him at all she must exit her mind and enter her heart allowing him in there as well with trust. A woman is stimulated through her mind and heart which causes an emotional response which leads her to her body.

Over and over again, I meet couples like these three I share here today with you and what I see is that disconnect and the expectation on both sides. I see the lack of integrity from the women out of fear of abandonment and hurting their partners ego’s. I see the men fearful of sinking in and letting themselves feel their hearts and become emotional with their woman out of fear that they will not have the stamina of even five minutes, so in turn they want their woman to sex like a man. I tell you though, this will never be. There are women out there that will argue these words and say that they are good with the quickie, that they don’t like or want foreplay or even courting. They will proclaim that they always have an orgasm. And some are being truthful, but the majority are hiding their pain because they are trying to live up to the new standard where women are to be men in all aspects of their lives: Including their sex.

And to this I say, how sad our world has become.

How doomed our intimate relationships are.

We claim to want connection.

To be loved and to love.

We say that we want integrity, intimacy and happiness.

And we have been brainwashed into believing that we can achieve these things with limited time, focus, dedication or commitment. That they will not and should not require us to go deeper within ourselves. Nor should we have to work at earning the trust of others’ vulnerability and we most certainly should not have to keep up the hunt, do the maintenance and ongoing work of having what we say we want and keeping it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk to your partner about taking the next step in your relationship

Are you both heading in the same direction?

By

If you’re happy in your relationship then it’s completely normal to think about the future.

When you’re in relatively early stages of a relationship, you might start thinking about next steps. Moving in together, for example. Or if you already live together, maybe marriage or kids are on your mind.

But it’s always scary to bring these things up, particularly if you’re not sure if your partner is on the same page as you – or if you suspect that they likely are not.

If these markers of progression are important to you, it’s vital to have those conversations with your lover. You don’t want to stagnate, or start to resent them because things aren’t going how you want.

Netflix show ‘The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On’ has created a lot of buzz as couples with misaligned commitment goals have to decide whether to get married or split up for good. But can an ultimatum actually work in a real-life relationship, or are there better ways to communicate?

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, has shared some advice on how to know when the time is right to progress in your relationship, and tips on how to navigate communicating your relationship desires with your partner. 

‘Before you even sit down with your partner to have these types of conversations, it’s a good idea to settle on some ground rules,’ says Annabelle.

‘That way, no matter which direction the conversation goes, you can be sure that you’re communicating in the best way possible.’

Dismiss the idea of right and wrong

When you’re talking to your partner about progressing your relationship to the next level, Annabelle says it’s important to remove any notion of ‘winning.’

‘This is a conversation, not with one partner pitted against the other, but rather two people side by side against the world,’ she says.

Keep your focus

‘If the conversation begins to spiral or evolve to be about something completely different then agree to take a step back and get back on track,’ says Annabelle.

This is common with partners who have a lot of history. You don’t want to end up accidentally having the same fight you always have.

Learn to listen

Annabelle says that more often than not we are guilty of spending time during deep conversations waiting for our partner to finish their sentence, so we can start ours.

‘This prevents us from really hearing what your other half is trying to say,’ she says.

‘So, for any important conversations make sure you tune into their words so you can really hear their meaning.’

Process properly

Annabelle adds: ‘After you’ve both said your piece take some time out to process what’s been said, how it’s made you feel and what you want to do about it.’

Seek clarity

She also says you shouldn’t be afraid to ask your partner to repeat any points you don’t understand.

‘Moving forward in any relationship relies heavily on understanding your partner, this goes for what they mean when they speak, as well as who they are as a person,’ says Annabelle.

How do you know when it is the right time to progress in a relationship?

Whether it’s taking your relationship to the next level and making it official, moving in together, or getting married, Annabelle agrees that knowing when the time is right can be tricky.

‘The answer to these questions largely lies in not only how you feel about one another, but also your visions for the future,’ she says. ‘Not just for what you want to achieve as an individual, but for what you want for your relationship as well. 

‘Having an open and honest dialogue with your partner about these things is absolutely your best bet, however, this isn’t always how things pan out in real life.

‘We might be fearful of rejection so hold our feelings in, we may be worried about rushing our partner so slow things down, or it could be that we keep meaning to have that chat… but life just keeps getting in the way.’ 

Although knowing when it’s the right time to progress in your relationship can be difficult, Annabelle says that if you take into consideration her key points of advice, you may have an answer for yourself.

‘I’ve created the acronym T.I.S.S – Trust, Intimacy, Security, Support – to help couples figure out if the time is right.’

Trust
‘Trust is a key component of any happy and healthy relationship. It’s also something that isn’t earnt overnight. If you and your partner can, hand on heart, say that you trust one another then it may be time to progress your relationship.’

Intimacy
‘Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to how often you’re intimate and what levels of affection you need from your partner.’

Security
‘Nope, I’m not talking about burglar alarms, I’m talking about how safe and secure you feel with your partner.’

Support
‘Supporting your partner and knowing that they in turn support you is one of the cornerstones of a long-lasting and meaningful partnership.’

If you can wholeheartedly tick these things off, and know that your partner can do the same, Annabelle says this could be the signal that it’s time to speak to them about taking your relationship to the next level.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex doesn’t stop after 60

— ‘We can stay sexually zesty and vibrant’

While sex after 60 does have its challenges, it can also be “sizzling.”

By Rachel Grumman Bender

Sex after 60 isn’t something people talk about that much — but Joan Price is looking to change that.

The 79-year-old speaker and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex tells Yahoo Life that if “we give ourselves regular sexual attention and orgasms, we can stay sexually zesty and vibrant and reap all the benefits of regular orgasms such as a sense of well-being, being in touch with our physicality, sleeping better” and more.

The University of Michigan’s 2018 National Poll on Healthy Aging found that most older adults (76%) agreed that sex is an important part of a romantic relationship at any age. The poll also found that 45% of those 65 to 80 years old are sexually active.

But Leah Millheiser, director of the female sexual medicine program at Stanford University Medical Center, acknowledges that it’s still a taboo topic and people don’t typically see women being depicted as sexual beings after menopause, telling Yahoo Life: “That’s unfortunate because we know men and women across their lifetime will go on to having very enjoyable and satisfying sex lives. You have to work a little harder for it to be enjoyable and successful. But it’s very achievable.”

Millheiser says that society has “definitely made strides” in talking about sex and sexuality in midlife and beyond but that “we are nowhere near where we need to be.” She points to Jennifer Lopez during the 2020 Super Bowl LIV halftime show, where the star, then 50, “came out and blew people’s minds — she looks great and gorgeous. For many people it was shocking.” Millheiser also points out that 50-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow has also been vocal about sexuality in midlife.

Even so, “we are very far from having normalized sexuality in the golden years for women,” says Millheiser. “We can have erectile dysfunction ads all over the place, but you can’t say ‘vagina’ and ‘vaginal dryness.’ It starts with normalizing sexuality after a certain age.” She mentions how on the show Grace and Frankie “they actually show a sex scene with Jane Fonda and it was extremely hot to watch — there needs to be more of that.”

Joan Price (Photo: Courtesy of Joan Price)
Author Joan Price says she “was having glorious sex” in her 60s — and still is at 79.

It’s something Price can relate to. “Usually, sex and seniors were never mentioned in the same sentence, and if they were it was doom and gloom. But I was having glorious sex” in her 60s with her lover, who eventually became her husband (he died of cancer 7 years after they met). After wondering why there weren’t any books that talked about positive sexual experiences past age 60, Price ended up writing a book about it herself — and she’s been vocal about the topic ever since.

Price says that as people age, there are ways that sex can actually be better than ever. “When I say can be, I mean it doesn’t happen automatically,” she shares. “This is something we make a priority. … It’s important to keep yourself sexually healthy and vibrant by having regular sex sessions — whether that’s sex dates with yourself or a partner. Solo sex is real sex.”

That said, sex after 60 does have its challenges. Millheiser says it can be a “double-edged sword.” On the one hand, there can be issues with low libido, vaginal dryness and sexual dysfunction. But on the other hand, sex can also be better “because you know what you want and you know how to ask what you want,” she says.

Price acknowledges that it can be harder to get aroused and reach orgasm with age. “But that doesn’t mean sex is over,” she says. “It means we explore new ways and new erogenous zones. It may be the addition of a sex toy and not just a partner’s finger or mouth or genitals. We need to ask for what we need, and before we can do that we need to know what to ask for. That’s again why solo sex is important — even if we’re in a relationship — because we can explore on our own to know what to ask for.”

Of course, one of the benefits of aging, says Price, is worrying less about what other people think — and that includes in the bedroom. “We’ve spent too much of our lives worrying about being judged or shamed,” she says. “Let’s apply this to sex too” — meaning speaking up about what you like and don’t like between the sheets, especially if what aroused you in the past doesn’t work for you anymore.

“We can do it in a loving way,” Price says. “‘Honey, I know I used to love being touched this way, but now it feels different to me and I’d love it if you’d touch me this way.’ Or even, ‘I’m not sure how I like to be touched — could we explore and I’ll give you feedback?’”

She adds: “You are doing your partner a favor by giving direction in a loving way.”

That also includes adding sex toys — along with lubricants to help with vaginal dryness — to the mix. “Don’t be shy about saying, ‘I will only have an orgasm if we bring my vibrator into this wonderful relationship,’” says Price. “One of my taglines is, ‘A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator may be the difference between orgasms and no orgasms.’”

She continues: “We have our best sex when we have enough intensity and sensation. Often bringing a vibrator into the mix, whether solo or becoming a threesome with your partner — you, me and the vibrator — can make sex sizzling and splendid.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk about kink with your vanilla partner

— Couples of all kinds grow together sexually.

By Beth Ashley

Most people who start a relationship expect — or at least hope — to align on important life elements. That’s why so many of us make sure to go over the basic, foundational bits like “Do you want kids?” “Do you want to get married?” and “Are you as career focused as I am?” during the dating stage. But often we forget to check on sexual compatibility before taking the plunge into a committed relationship, and by that, I don’t just mean having sex and thinking “Yep, that’s good sex.” Sexual compatibility goes much further than that.

According to sex educator and mental health expert Lola Jean, who facilitates classes in kink and BDSM, sexual compatibility also includes whether the two of you prioritise sex on the same level, have similar desires to have sex (in terms of frequency), are both good at sexual communication, enjoy similar sexual behaviours, and whether you’re both into (or not into) trying new things.

If you know you’re kinky from the get-go, this should also be laid on the table early on, when you first start discussing or having sex, with a conversation like “Hey, I’m into rough sex. Are you? Do you think you’d be into it if you tried?” Equally, if there’s something you’ve not tried but that has been on your mind to try for a while, you should bring that up, too.

This isn’t to say that all couples should have mind-blowing sex with equal pleasure that ticks everyone’s boxes on the first go or they should call it quits. In fact, that’s pretty unlikely, though possible. Couples of all kinds grow together sexually, and if any of your partner’s answers to your sexual compatibility questions are an awkward “ermmm no, no really,” it doesn’t mean the two of you are doomed. Humans are flexible and we change our minds. But we all have our deal breakers, our absolute “no-nos,” and that’s where things can get complicated.

This is why it’s so important not to gloss over this chat (no matter how awkward it is) and avoid ending up with mismatched levels of kinkiness.

How do I talk to my vanilla partner about kink?

If you did skip that first sexual compatibility course, don’t fret. It’s better late than never.

First, don’t assume your partner is “vanilla” — meaning, they like regular, non-kinky sex — because, so far, you’ve mostly done missionary. If you haven’t had a chat about kink before, there’s no way to tell they aren’t into it. Try not to make assumptions as you lead into this conversation or try to guess ahead of time what their reaction will be.

Schedule some time with your partner specifically to talk about sex and have the conversation somewhere where you’re comfortable. Often, it works well to have this conversation outside of the bedroom to remove any pressure. If you hang out together in your living room quite often, this could be a settling place to talk.

“You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.” Jean tells Mashable that when we talk to our partners about introducing kink into the relationship, we shouldn’t lead by focusing on specific activities, like using handcuffs or trying spanking, for instance.

“Just leading with specific activities is limiting,” she says. There’s not a lot of room for compromise or discussion if we jump in with a super-specific situation.

Instead, “Talk about the goals or feelings you’re after,” she suggests. For instance, “maybe I want to be spanked so I can feel punished, but my partner doesn’t want the idea of hitting me. So we can discuss and find another way where I can feel punished.” Words like “explore” and “figure things out” can help you communicate, she says. “You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.”

What if my partner is firm in their vanilla stance?

It happens! Vanilla people exist, and it’s not right to shame or try to change them. It might be that their vanilla nature comes from outdated ideas about sex, or it might be that they are just super into the simpler side of sex. Whatever the case, their style of sex is their own choice, just like everyone else’s.

Jean says the most important part of all of this is that you understand your desires don’t overrule your partner’s comfort. She tells Mashable, “Whether your desire is kink, or polyamory, etc, that is still your own desire, and your partner, no matter how much they love you, want to have sex with you, or think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, doesn’t have to do it with you.”

They are just desires, not rights. Your partner’s take on them just informs you of how or when you can act on them in the relationship.

If a kink is integral to you (perhaps it’s more of a fetish, meaning you struggle to get sexual pleasure without it?), Jean recommends seeing if your partner is open to giving it a go or trying something similar. But don’t pressure them. If they’re just not into it at all, or if they try it and don’t like it, but you find you still really need it from your relationship, then maybe that relationship isn’t for you.

“Sexual compatibility is important, but I don’t think it’s something that is innate,” says Jean. “It’s not about chemistry or attraction, it’s the ability to listen, understand, respond, and find different middle ground,” she says.

Once the initial conversation or conversations have been had, the next moves are really up to the vanilla person to explain what they’re comfortable exploring. “Just recognize it might take patience,” she says. “If you’ve figured out you’re kinky, there was probably a period of time where you didn’t know and it took you time, trial and error to figure things out.” Your partner should be afforded the same flexibility.

Should we open our relationship to solve this?

You can open your relationship if that’s something the two of you are genuinely interested in. But as Jean points out, “if someone isn’t getting what they want out of a relationship, that’s not a reason to have more relationships. You should be non monogamous because you want to be non monogamous, not because your partner is failing to meet your needs.”

A lot of people see opening the relationship as the only choice when you want to stay together but aren’t interested in the same kinks, but that isn’t the case. There are plenty of ways that you can also be monogamous and explore kink in a different way.

Kinks can actually be explored solo. From wax play to shibari to dominance, restraint, and nipple play, whatever you’re into or you’d like to give a go, a sexual partner isn’t necessary for exploration. “You can restrict yourself, you can deny yourself, you can impose a reward system or a punishment system, you can even do sensation play on yourself. And this is a great way to explore kink without your partner.”

What about hiring a helping hand?

There’s also the option of hiring a sex worker, like a professional kink instructor, to help you explore. “Hiring a professional is great if you want to stay monogamous but involve another person so you can experience kink,” says Jean. “There’s a professional boundary there which can make participants more comfortable, and you can work with the expert separately or as a couple.” It also means that you can explore with someone who knows what they’re doing and how to practise safely.

It might be that your partner doesn’t want to be directly involved in the kink but gets a thrill out of watching you engage in it, which is another way a professional can come in. Compromising in this sphere is all about trying different things, and working out what’s comfortable, fun, and pleasurable for both of you.

If you and your partner have different ideas about what sex should look like, whether you’re vanilla, a little kinky, or into hardcore BDSM, you don’t have to split up. But you cannot compromise beyond your boundaries, nor should you expect that of someone else. Have an open, honest conversation and be considerate of each other’s desires, needs, and no-go areas. Whatever the outcome ends up being for you both, it’s important to remember that no one has failed. Whether a relationship ends, opens, changes dynamic, or remains exactly the same, these are choices you’ve bravely made to protect each other’s happiness. And that’s exactly what partners should do.

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Here are 3 Ways To Improve Your Sex Life’

By Zoë Kors

I had a ten-year sexless marriage in my twenties. There, I said it. I married a man I loved dearly. He was loving, funny, and gorgeous, but the thought of having sex with him made my skin crawl. Eventually, I left.

What was missing for me, where gynecology and therapy fell short, was that I gained no understanding of how my emotional relationship with my husband affected my physical relationship with him. I was still left wondering how a healthy, educated, self-aware young woman who loved her husband had inexplicably lost her sex drive. This set me on a lifelong path of exploring the true nature of sexuality.

My extensive exploration included reading and researching the fields of psychology, neuroscience, meditation, and mysticism. It wasn’t until ten years later that my personal mission became my professional calling. When I opened my private practice as a sex coach, what surprised me most was the nearly universal disorientation inside the topic of sex. Conversation after conversation led me to realize how little most of us know about our bodies, our minds, and our hearts when it comes to our intimate relationships.

It’s only now that I am able to look back and see the micro and the macro of my relationship with my husband, in and out of bed, and recognize that skillful navigation of our sexual relationship would have spared us both a decade of suffering inside what was otherwise a loving and respectful partnership.

More than a dozen years on and having worked with thousands of clients, I am able to help others navigating the mysterious landscape of sex and intimacy. Whether it’s desire discrepancy, low or non-existent sex drive, or just plain boredom in the bedroom, I find myself saying what I wished I heard all those years ago, “There’s a way out. It doesn’t have to be like this.” Here are my three secrets to improving your sex life:

Stop making orgasm the goal of sex

Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are great. If we all had more orgasms, I’m sure the world would be a better place—especially women, for whom “the orgasm gap” is real. However, when we mistake orgasms to be the goal of sex, we miss the opportunity to experience all kinds of pleasure along the way.

Something I ask my clients to do is take the possibility of orgasm off the table for a predetermined period of time—usually two to four weeks. Whether they are having partnered or solo sex, I encourage them to continue to engage in sex but to stop short of having orgasms. In doing so, I invite them to explore their relationship with pleasure.

My client, Kate, had a history of struggling to reach orgasm with a partner, an issue she didn’t encounter when she was with herself. She reached out to me when she had entered into a new relationship and didn’t want to fall into her familiar pattern of not being able to have an orgasm during sex and all the compensating behaviors, including faking orgasms to spare her partner’s ego. I had her invite her partner into a “pleasure laboratory” in which they experimented with giving each other all kinds of pleasure while stopping short of orgasm. What they found was life-altering, as Kate put it. Not only did she find a new level of pleasure, but she reported finally being able to “get out of her head” during sex. Shortly after she and her partner ended their orgasm moratorium, she climaxed for the first time ever with a partner.

I have observed that when we slow down and give our bodies a chance to open-up gradually to the natural stages of arousal, we also give our minds the opportunity to process and be present with what is happening moment to moment.

Master Your Instrument

When I was in high school, my girlfriends and I had a book called, “Our Bodies Ourselves” published by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. It was like an owner’s manual for our young evolving bodies. It gave me a good start to understanding my body and how it worked, but, years later, when my sex drive inexplicably disappeared and I was struggling in my sexless marriage, one thing that would have helped me would have been to have an even greater depth of knowledge, not just about my anatomy but my physiology.

When it comes to sex, knowledge is power. There are plenty of sources for science-based information at our fingertips about the physiology of sex.

Beyond what you can learn about your sexual response cognitively, learning about your body experientially will directly contribute to your enjoyment of sex. My client Grace is a good example of how this works. Grace was raised to believe that sex before marriage is dangerous and immoral. Masturbation was warned against as well. When Grace became an adult, though she remained close to her family, she rejected many of the values and perspectives from her childhood.

After college, she moved across the country, launched her career, met someone, and got engaged. It was then that she reached out to me because she felt intimidated by having sex with her partner, who was much more experienced. Her partner was a generous lover and asked her regularly about her sexual preferences; what she likes and how to touch her. Grace didn’t have answers to any of these questions. Although she didn’t believe self-pleasure was philosophically wrong, it wasn’t something she did often and even when she did, she felt conflicted, guilty, or a little embarrassed.

I invited Grace to create a pleasure laboratory all for herself. By exploring her body—in its entirety, not just her genitals—she would be able to learn how her body responded to various types of touch. Just like with Kate, I suggested she see the experience of sensation as the goal in the lab, and to remove orgasm as the destination. Each session should last at least 30 minutes before climax, giving her plenty of time to feel fully her stages of arousal.

Grace came back to me after two weeks of intentional self-pleasure with a completely new outlook. She reported that until that time, she hadn’t even known what her body was capable of feeling. She said she felt like an entirely new version of herself.

Grace then took her discoveries to her partner and invited her to join in the experiments. Not only was she able to answer her partner’s questions, but together they found answers to even more questions they didn’t know to ask.

Our ability to connect powerfully with each other is magnified exponentially when we master own instrument and mutually share that information with our lovers.

Start scheduling sex

Hollywood often has us believing that sex has to be spontaneous in order to be good. That the “tear each other’s clothes off” sex is the way it’s always supposed to look.

Many of us likely did have spontaneous sex early in our relationships, before living together and responsibilities such as shared bills, kids and chores became part of the equation. We rarely feel the kind of insatiable and simultaneous desire for each other that we did early on.

My second husband and I solve this problem by scheduling sex. It’s not that we don’t have spontaneous sex, it is that we intentionally create opportunities for spontaneity to happen. If you think about it, that’s exactly what we did when we were dating: we carved out time to devote to each other. We anticipated that time with excitement, made plans, showered, dressed, put down our devices, and focused on each other. We created the conditions in which desire, and great sex, could flourish.

Now, many years later, we continue to do the same thing by scheduling sex. Doing so sends a signal to ourselves and each other that we care enough to nourish a very tender and delicious aspect of our relationship.

No matter who you are and who you like to have sex with, I believe that the key to having a great sex life is to form a deeply intimate relationship with ourselves first. We can meet each other only to the extent that we can meet ourselves. While it can be challenging to form an organically healthy relationship with this very tender part of ourselves, taking the time to get intimate with ourselves allows us to share and receive each other in a way that make sex profoundly more intimate.

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New theory suggests female orgasms are an evolutionary leftover

Having bad sex? Don’t blame yourself or your partner—blame evolution

Not switching off

By Elizabeth Pennisi

Billy Crystal may have been shocked when Meg Ryan so effectively—and amusingly—faked an orgasm in a restaurant during the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, but surveys suggest only one-third of women are regularly fully aroused during intercourse. And although poor partner performance, psychological issues, or physiological shortfalls are often cited as the reason, two evolutionary biologists now offer a provocative new explanation. In a paper published today, they argue that female orgasm is an evolutionary holdover from an ancient system, seen in some other mammals, in which intercourse stimulated important hormonal surges that drive ovulation.

Humans and other primates don’t need intercourse to trigger ovulation—they evolved to a point where it happens on its own—but the hormonal changes accompanying intercourse persist and fuel the orgasms that make sex more enjoyable, the biologists hypothesize. And because those hormonal surges no longer confer a biological advantage, orgasms during intercourse may be lost in some women. This explanation “takes away a lot of stigma” of underwhelming sexual relations, says one of the authors, Mihaela Pavlićev, of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in Ohio.

The new work addresses what David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Pennsylvania State University, University Park, calls “one of the most contentious questions in the study of the evolution of human sexuality: whether women’s orgasm has an evolutionary function.” There are more than a dozen theories about the evolution of orgasms, most proposed decades or more ago. They include arguments that women have orgasms because their reproductive machinery has the same origins as those of men, who need to have orgasms to ejaculate sperm. Others think orgasms are an evolutionary novelty that persists because it helps foster loyal partners. Some have proposed that female orgasms induce physiological changes that increase the chances of conception, but there’s no strong evidence that women who have more have increased fecundity.

Orgasm itself may have no evolutionary function, but it is derived from a key part of the reproductive cycle, Pavlićev and her colleague propose today in the Journal of Experimental Zoology Part B: Molecular and Developmental Evolution. Pavlićev didn’t start out studying orgasms. To better understand the evolution of reproduction, she was compiling data on the ovarian cycle in different mammal species. During this cycle, cells destined to become eggs mature, escape from the ovary, and travel down the reproductive tract. She discovered that in some species, environmental factors control egg maturation and subsequent ovulation; in others, such as rabbits, sexual intercourse with a male or even just his presence causes the release of the egg. In either case, a series of changes involving the hormones oxytocin and prolactin are triggered that cause the egg to mature and migrate. In humans and other primates, the ovulatory cycle has become spontaneous, generally on a set schedule that requires neither an environmental trigger nor a male. Pavlićev then realized that women still undergo the same hormonal changes as species with induced ovulation, but during orgasm.

To see whether induced ovulation was the evolutionary predecessor of orgasms—in a similar way that fins were ancestral to limbs—she and Günter Wagner, an evolutionary biologist from Yale University, first needed to see whether induced ovulation predated spontaneous ovulation in evolutionary history. Their literature search showed that environmental- and male-induced ovulation are found in earlier evolving mammals and spontaneous ovulation appears in later species, including our own. They also noticed another change. In earlier mammals, the clitoris, which is so often key to a woman’s orgasm, tends to be part of the vagina—guaranteeing that intercourse stimulated this organ and kick-started ovulation. But in later arising species, particularly primates, the clitoris has moved ever farther away from the vagina, even out of reach of an inserted penis. “A shift in the position of the clitoris is correlated with the loss of intercourse-induced ovulation,” says Martin Cohn, an evolutionary developmental biologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville. “Their hypothesis shifts the focus of the research question from the evolutionary origin of orgasm as an evolutionary novelty, which has long been presumed but not demonstrated, to the evolutionary modification of an ancestral character.”

Pavlićev and Wagner’s theory helps explain why female orgasms during intercourse are relatively rare. “It is new to use [this] innovative, Darwinian approach to understand one of the mysteries of human sexuality—why the male orgasm is warranted, easy-to-reach, and strictly related to reproduction and the female counterpart [is] absolutely not,” says Emmanuele Jannini, an endocrinologist at University of Rome Tor Vergata. The nonnecessity of orgasms for reproduction may also explain why women’s reproductive tracts vary a lot more than men’s—there are fewer constraints, he adds.

Jannini and others point out, however, that this theory needs more confirmation. So far, it deals only with the parallels between the hormonal surges in females during male-induced ovulation and orgasm, but has not looked to see whether there are also parallels in the neurological components of these activities, says Elisabeth Lloyd, a philosopher of science at Indiana University, Bloomington, who was not involved with this work. And because it’s so difficult to assess whether other mammals feel the pleasure associated with orgasms, the work can only ever address the evolution of some of the components of female orgasm, Puts notes.

Others more strongly criticized the new explanation. Two behavioral neuroendocrinologists, Michael Baum from Boston University and Kim Wallen from Emory University in Atlanta, tell Science that Pavlićev and Wagner misinterpret some previously published results and do not have the details about the hormonal changes during ovulation and orgasm correct. “Their hypothesis remains a good hypothesis,” Wallen says. “But I’m not very convinced by the data they marshal.”

Lloyd says the work drives home how much more we need to learn about female sexuality in other organisms. Wagner and Pavlićev concede that more data are needed to firm up their theory, though for now they have no plans to follow up themselves. Cohn predicts others will pick up the baton. “Pavlićev and Wagner have taken a fascinating, creative, and thoughtful approach to a problem that has been investigated by many but resolved by few,” he says. “I suspect that many investigators will be stimulated to further test the hypotheses raised in this paper.”

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Oh Cum On

— Why Are Men Having More Orgasms Than Women in Heterosexual Relationships?

By Nicole Andrejek

Sex researchers consistently find that men are having far more orgasms than women when it comes to heterosexual sexual encounters.

This is called the gender gap in orgasms, or the orgasm gap. There are many myths and assumptions about why women orgasm less. Some of the more popular ones are that women take too much time to reach orgasm, women don’t actually care about having an orgasm, that getting a woman to orgasm takes more work and they’re harder to please.

But are women’s orgasms really too much work and, if not, why is this belief so prevalent?

Insights from the ‘Sex in Canada’ project

I recently published a study alongside sociologists Tina Fetner and Melanie Heath that questions these assumptions about women’s ability and desire to orgasm.

We used data from our nationally representative Sex in Canada survey to establish that there is a gender gap in orgasms — 86 per cent of cisgender men reported having an orgasm in their most recent heterosexual sexual encounter, compared to 62 per cent of cisgender women.

What reduced the gap among our sample? Oral sex.

The notion that women generally require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm has been documented by a number of sexualities researchers, but what’s unclear is why the gap persists despite knowing the importance of clitoral stimulation for women.

To understand this discrepancy, we conducted in-depth interviews with adult men and women across Canada to examine the underlying beliefs and feelings that deters couples from engaging in the types of sexual activities that would make it more likely for women to reach orgasm.

The role of gender essentialism

One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex. Women are expected to inherently desire emotional connection and men are expected to inherently need physical release.

So feeling emotionally connected to one’s partner and whether women orgasm become mutually exclusive. This way of thinking isn’t new or isolated to the bedroom.

These explanations are what social scientists call “gender essentialism” — the belief that there are natural, biological and physical differences between men and women.

Gender essentialist beliefs have been used to justify a variety of gender inequalities, for example, those that attempt to solidify traditional gender distinctions that women belong in the home and men belong in workforce.

If we took essentialist beliefs at face value, it would seem that women simply don’t want to orgasm since they require emotional connection over sexual pleasure. But is it really the case that women don’t want to orgasm during partnered sex with men?

Our research suggests that these beliefs about women’s orgasms have less to do with women’s inherent inability or lack of desire to orgasm, and more to do with the way gender norms shape and limit expectations.

The role of heteronormativity

The orgasm gap is not just about gender, it’s also about heteronormativity. Our participants defined “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse. This definition means that our participants see sex as being centred on stimulation of the penis, rather than the clitoris.

Our study shows that heteronormative conception of “regular sex” results in other sexual practices that prioritize clitoral stimulation — like oral sex — as alternative sexual practices to the main event.

It also means that other sexual practices feel like extra work, separate, time-consuming and challenging, despite supporting women’s likelihood of achieving orgasm.

Bad feelings about potentially great sex for women

A consequence of the belief that sex is about “emotional connection” for women, and defining what it means to “have sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse, is that it limits the types of sexual practices women engage in, and these beliefs shape the feelings women have about other types of sexual practices.

For instance, some of our participants described other sexual practices, especially oral sex, as unnatural, bad or dirty.

As succinctly exemplified by our participant, Kathy: “I don’t do oral sex. It can be very pleasurable, but it feels wrong, it just makes me feel dirty.”

Women’s bad feelings about engaging in the types of sex that might bring them more physical pleasure shows the strength of the sexual double standard in which women are judged more harshly than men and taught to self-regulate their sexual desires and behaviours.

Putting sex on the agenda for gender equality

Beliefs about women’s bodies, what women want from sex and what it means to have sex in the first place all help justify why women aren’t reaching orgasm when having sex with men.

Fights for gender equality have tackled and refuted many gender essentialist beliefs, and yet the longstanding orgasm gap shows how gender essentialist beliefs still have a strong hold on the domain of heterosexual sexual encounters.

The orgasm gap highlights the ways in which gender inequality emerges even in the most seemingly private and personal encounters in heterosexual relationships.

Like other gender gaps, it is important to continue pushing past individual explanations and understand the gender gap in orgasms as a form of gender inequality.

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Faking Your Orgasms Is Messing With Your Relationship

— Here’s How

By Aliyah Moore, Ph.D.

“Did you orgasm?”

Many of us have been hit with that awkward question, and I’ll admit that I’ve found it easier to just say yes sometimes. Having an uncomfortable conversation about my sexual satisfaction isn’t how I want to end most nights.

Eventually, I found it easier to just pretend, and my partners stopped asking. These little white lies seemed harmless at first, but the lack of communication was hurting my sex life, and my less-than-ideal sex life was tanking my relationships.

And I know I’m not alone here: One 2019 study found well over half of women have faked an orgasm at least once before.

Why fake an orgasm?

It’s no secret that society hasn’t always valued female pleasure, but why do women feel the need to pretend instead of being honest about their sexual experience?

The aforementioned study found that 59% of women had faked orgasms, and 55% said they wanted to talk about sex with their partner but decided not to. Here are some common reasons why:

  • 42% said they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. 
  • 40% weren’t comfortable going into detail. 
  • 38% were embarrassed. 

I’ve also had clients and friends confess that failing to orgasm led to a conversation that felt like a chore. One client had started antidepressants – which can make it difficult to have an orgasm – and couldn’t consistently achieve orgasm for the first couple of months. This upset her boyfriend, who insisted on trying to solve the “problem,” even though she said she was enjoying her sex life. Eventually, she started faking orgasms so she wouldn’t have to talk about it. Her partner wanted to communicate, but he wasn’t listening to the fact that she was sexually satisfied without orgasms as she got used to her medication.

Our partners (men especially) sometimes stake their egos on our sexual satisfaction. We know this, so we often fake it to avoid making them feel like sexual failures. In other cases, our partners simply don’t care whether or not we orgasm or don’t consider it at all, and it’s easier to fake it since they won’t listen to our suggestions.

Perhaps the most frustrating reason is that our partners simply don’t understand our orgasms. It’s not any more difficult for a woman to orgasm than a man, but it usually takes more than vaginal intercourse.

No two women are the same either. Several of my female partners have had to help me help them cum, and vice versa. Sometimes it just feels easier to fake it than to try and explain your unique sexual sensations to another person.

Why you need to stop faking orgasms.

If you “fake it ‘til you make it” … you’ll never make it.

Faking orgasms is a slippery slope that never leads to a positive outcome. Even in one-night stands (unless you fear for your safety), it doesn’t help either of you to fake an orgasm.

Why?

1. You’re committing to lackluster sex.

By faking orgasms, you’re conditioning your partner to be sexually incompatible with you. If you act pleased with what they’re doing, why would they change?

2. You’re associating your partner with sexual dissatisfaction.

You may not think it’s important at the moment, but our experiences with people sink into our subconscious minds. As you associate your partner with dissatisfaction, you’ll steadily begin to feel more distant, and it will be even more difficult to enjoy sex. Even worse, it can disconnect your mind from your sensations, making it harder to orgasm in general.

3. It’s a form of lying.

It may seem harmless, but ask yourself: why don’t you trust your partner with this conversation? Why aren’t you comfortable with this conversation? Plus, your partner might already know you’re faking orgasms and be bottling up their own dissatisfaction.

4. It’ll be hard to change things down the road.

Like any lie, it’s hard to dig yourself out of. Once you decide to ask them to change their sexual behaviors, they’ll begin to wonder if they’ve been satisfying you up to that point.

5. It builds the expectation of an orgasm every time, which isn’t always realistic.

We need to normalize the fact that, regardless of gender, not all people will orgasm during sex every time. It could be anxiety, stress, physical ailment, medication, or any number of reasons that prevent an orgasm. On occasion, this is normal, and we shouldn’t be treating it like a sexual failure on either side.

6. It may signal a larger issue in the relationship.

As a sex therapist, I say this every chance I get. If you don’t feel safe expressing discomfort or displeasure during sex, then your relationship is not healthy, and you need to get out. Even if you believe it will lead to an argument, defensiveness, or verbal abuse – run. 

Sex isn’t “just sex.” It’s an intimate part of your relationship that carries as much weight as any other part. If your sex life isn’t healthy, then your relationship isn’t healthy. Before we get into fixing your sex life, it’s important to make sure that you have a partner who’s open to communication and cares about your satisfaction and well-being. 

For example, I had a client who never orgasmed with her partner because he refused to let her be on top. He simply didn’t like it, felt it was emasculating, and didn’t care whether or not she was satisfied. She faked orgasms to placate him, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. The relationship was toxic, and having better sex wasn’t going to fix it.

As we start to talk about coming clean, the assumption is that your partner cares about you, treats you as an equal, and is willing to listen and communicate.

How to come clean.

If you’re deep in the faker game, it can feel near-impossible to stop. The best way to bring authenticity back to your sex life is to try a solution that’s proportionate to the problem. This means bringing back honest sex in the same measure that you let it go.

If you’ve only faked a few orgasms:

It’s best to just let the cat out of the bag. Try not to surprise your partner with this information during sex; rather, let them know you want to talk about it and set aside time.

It will likely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it clears the air and sets an honest tone for sex afterward. Explain what you do like about having sex with them, what you don’t like, and what you would like to add.

Ask them how they’re feeling about sex too. Are they enjoying it? Do they want to try different things?

If you’ve been faking it for a long time:

Try gradually changing the tone of your sex life. Let your partner know you want to communicate more. Don’t be afraid to stop during sex and switch positions, ask your partner to do something, or use toys.

What needs to change:

Maybe you’re unsure how to reach orgasm together and need to do a little research – which is also a great tactic if you feel like your partner is unsatisfied. Ultimately, you and your partner will feel better when you like what each other likes.

It’s also important to set expectations. Many of us don’t orgasm from internal stimulation, but our partners can’t know that unless we tell them. There are also times when one of you won’t be able to orgasm, but still want to have sex. It’s okay to tell your partner this.

However, if you’re rarely or never able to reach orgasm, that may be indicative of a larger problem, and you may need to talk with a doctor or experiment with other forms of stimulation.

The takeaway.

You have the right to be satisfied.

While it can sometimes feel easier to fake an orgasm, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. You have just as much right to sexual satisfaction as your partner, and they deserve a fair shot at pleasing you.

We fake orgasms to keep other people happy because society tells us their happiness is more important than our sexuality, but it isn’t. Never cheat yourself of a healthy sex life just because someone else wants you to smile and look happy. 

It’s never too late to start talking about sex openly and honestly, and it’s never a bad thing to try.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Low Sex Drive (Loss of Libido)

By Heather Jones

Libido (also called sex drive) means the overall interest a person has in sexual activity. It is separate from sexual arousal, which is the body’s response to sexual stimuli. A low libido does not always indicate a problem, but it may be related to a medical condition or can cause a person distress, particularly if there has been a drop in libido.

Statistics vary, but up to 20% of men experience low libido sometime in their life. Up to 43% of women experience sexual dysfunction—a problem that occurs during any part of sexual activity, from arousal to orgasm—at some point, including low libido. About 1 in 3 women report having a low sex drive.123

Low libido itself is not considered a condition. If certain criteria are met, however, a woman with low libido may be identified as having female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSIAD).4

Some references, particularly those published before 2013, refer to low libido as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Since then the definitions for low libido and HSDD conditions have changed. In 2013, the official handbook that classifies mental health disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), combined the two diagnoses and now refers to it as sexual interest/arousal disorder.45

Read on to learn about low libido, when it’s considered a problem, and what can be done about it.

Symptoms of Low Libido

A person with low libido may experience:6

  • Little or no interest in any type of sex, including masturbation
  • Rare, if any, thoughts about sex or sexual fantasies

FSIAD is marked by a lack (or serious reduction) of sexual interest or arousal in women. To meet the criteria for FSIAD, a person must show an absence or reduction in at least three of the following, for at least six months:5

  • Interest in sexual activity
  • Initiation of sexual activity and being unreceptive to a partner’s attempts to initiate
  • Sexual or erotic thoughts and fantasies
  • Sexual interest/arousal in response to sexual or erotic cues
  • Sexual excitement or pleasure during sexual activity
  • Genital or nongenital sensations during sexual activity

The symptoms the person experiences also must cause them clinically significant distress and not be better explained by factors such as a nonsexual mental health disorder, severe relationship distress, or another significant stressor.
<h3″>What Is the Sexual Response Cycle?

A person’s sexual response cycle has four phases:7

  • Sexual desire: A person’s interest in sexual activity
  • Sexual arousal: Excitement/physical response
  • Orgasm (climax): Peak of sexual excitement (when pleasure is highest), and ejaculation occurs
  • Resolution: The body recovers and returns to its usual state

Causes of Low Libido

A number of factors can cause low libido, including that it may be a person’s natural preference. Libido commonly lowers with age for all genders.3

>Most research on low libido focuses on cisgender men or cisgender women. More research is needed to examine low libido in people who do not fall within this narrow gender binary.

Causes of low libido may include:8916235

  • Hormonal changes: Such as reduced sex hormones with aging, with hormonal contraception use, or with antihormone therapy
  • Medical conditions: Such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, fibroids, underactive thyroid, endometriosis, premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
  • Medications: Including many antidepressants and antipsychotics
  • Psychological distress: Stress, anxiety, exhaustion, problems with body image, etc.
  • Depression: Can cause a loss of interest in things once enjoyed, including sex
  • Relationship problems: Overfamiliarity with partner in long-term relationships, conflict, partner’s lack of interest/functioning in sex, etc.
  • Dissatisfaction or discomfort during sexual activity: Such as erectile dysfunction, problems with ejaculation, vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the muscles around the vagina before penetration), difficulty with orgasm, vaginal dryness, or pain
  • Substance misuse: Excess amounts of alcohol can affect libido, as can drug misuse and/or smoking
  • Life stage or event: Such as menopause, pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, loss of a loved one, retirement, job loss, divorce, illness, etc.
  • Trauma: Such as a history of unwanted sexual contact or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

A 2017 study also identified high levels of chronic, intense, and greater durations of endurance training on a regular basis, as a possible contributor to decreased libido in men.10

What Medications Can Cause Low Libido?

Medications that may cause low libido include:31112

  • Serotonin-enhancing medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
  • Antipsychotics, such as Haldol Decanoate (haloperidol)
  • Blood pressure medications, including diuretics and beta-blockers
  • Medications used to treat seizures
  • Medications that block the effects or reduce the production of testosterone, such as Tagamet HB (cimetidine), Propecia (finasteride), and Androcur (cyproterone)

Is Low Libido Always a Problem?

Having a low (or no) libido in and of itself can be perfectly normal for a person. Comparing your libido to someone else’s, including your partner’s, is not an accurate way to determine if your libido is “too low.”12

There is no set amount of sex that’s considered “normal.” A person may be content thinking about or having sex once a year, while another person may be unhappy with sexual activity once a week.136

Unless your low libido is a symptom of a health condition that needs to be addressed (such as diabetes, depression, etc.), the level of your libido is only a problem if it is bothering you.2

How to Treat Low Libido

If a person wants to treat their low sex drive, there are a number of approaches that can be tried.

Hormones

Supplementation of testosterone in those with low testosterone levels may help with low libido, but should only be attempted under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this treatment.11

Those who have been through menopause (either naturally or surgically) with low libido may benefit from transdermal testosterone therapy (with or without accompanying estrogen therapy). However, data on the benefit of testosterone therapy are limited and inconsistent, and there is a lack of long-term data on safety and effectiveness.

Hormone treatment comes with risks as well as benefits. Talk to your healthcare provider about whether taking hormones is appropriate for you.1

Medication

If low libido is a side effect of medication, talk to your healthcare provider about changing the dose or type of medication you are on. In some cases, another medication, such as the atypical antidepressant Wellbutrin (bupropion), may be added to help address the sexual dysfunction.12

Flibanserin

In 2015, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the medication Addyi (flibanserin) for use in the treatment of FSIAD of any severity in people who are premenopausal.5

Reported side effects include:

  • Headache
  • Dizziness
  • Fatigue
  • Drowsiness
  • Nausea

Flibanserin carries a boxed warning (the strongest FDA warning) for hypotension (low blood pressure) and syncope (fainting) in certain settings, particularly with the use of alcohol and/or moderate or strong CYP3A4 (an important drug-metabolizing enzyme) inhibitors, and for people with liver impairment.

Alcohol should be avoided during the entire course of treatment with flibanserin.

Flibanserin is taken daily as an oral pill.2</span

Long-term studies on flibanserin are needed. The benefits of flibanserin in improving sex drive are minimal compared to placebo, and in many cases are outweighed by the risks of using it.

Before taking flibanserin, it’s important to discuss these benefits vs. risks with a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this medication.

Bremelanotide

Vyleesi (bremelanotide) was approved in 2019 for treatment of HSDD in people who are premenopausal.14

Bremelanotide is taken as needed, about 45 minutes before sexual activity, as an injection in the thigh or abdomen.2

Evidence on efficacy is limited, and shows minimal effect on the number of satisfying sexual events compared to placebo.

The most common side effects of bremelanotide are:14

  • Nausea (about 40% of people who took bremelanotide in clinical trials experienced nausea and 13% needed medication to treat the nausea)
  • Vomiting
  • Flushing
  • Injection site reactions
  • Headache

People with uncontrolled high blood pressure, with known cardiovascular disease, and those at high risk for cardiovascular disease should not take bremelanotide.

Address Underlying Medical Conditions

If your low libido is caused by a health condition, managing that condition may improve your libido.111

Therapy

Therapy such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) with a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual and relationship issues may help with sexual dysfunction.121

Therapy can help you address psychological issues that may be affecting your sex drive, including:13

Lifestyle Changes

General healthy lifestyle practices, such as eating nutritious foods, being physically active, and getting enough quality sleep, may help improve your libido.6

Mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques, and other ways to reduce and manage stress may also be beneficial.1

For some people, engaging in sexual stimulation and triggering the arousal response can help the person “get into it,” even if they weren’t desiring sex before. While this may be helpful for some people, no one should feel pressured to engage in sexual activity if they don’t want to.12

Relationship Strategies

Open and honest communication with your partner about your sexual desires can help both of you feel sexually fulfilled.11

You may also benefit from psychosexual counseling, which can help you and your partner work through sexual, emotional, and relationship issues that may be affecting your libido.3

Remember that sex is more than intercourse. There are activities you can do together that can “spice things up” or let you engage in intimacy without having sex. Some things to try include:136

  • Exploring each other’s bodies through caressing, kissing, etc.
  • Giving and receiving massages
  • Bathing or showering together
  • Experimenting with different sexual techniques
  • Using aids such as toys or massage oils
  • Planning romantic activities or taking a weekend away

You may also find that self-exploration helps you find what works for you.

Are There Tests to Diagnose the Cause of Low Libido?

To look for a cause of low libido, your healthcare provider may:11

  • Ask about history of low libido (when it started, severity, situational and/or medical factors around the time it started, previous treatments, and if there other sexual problems present, etc.)
  • Get a general medical history, including medications and mental health
  • Perform a physical examination
  • Discuss your partner(s)
  • Run laboratory tests, such as a blood test to check hormone levels
  • Refer you to a specialist if needed (such as a mental health professional if FSIAD is suspected)

When to See a Healthcare Provider

loss of libido, especially if prolonged or recurring, may be an indication of an underlying problem. It may be a good idea to see if there are potential medical or psychological reasons that should be explored.3

Even without a medical reason, if your low libido bothers you, talk to your healthcare provider.

Summary

A low libido means little or no desire to engage in sexual activities. It may be linked to a medical condition, medication, relationship issues, hormones, and other factors. It may also be normal for that person.

Unless there is an underlying medical condition, low libido is only a problem if it causes the person distress.

Treating unwanted low libido depends on the cause, but may include medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, hormone therapy, and/or relationship building.

A Word From Verywell

If you have a low sex drive that is not caused by a medical condition and isn’t bothering you, then it is not a problem. If you are bothered by your low libido or are concerned about what may be causing it, talk to your healthcare provider. A medical professional can help you figure out what is going on and how best to approach it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Is low libido the same as low arousal?While related, libido and arousal are different. Libido refers to a person’s overall interest in sexual activities. Sexual arousal is how the body responds to sexual stimuli (“turned on”).
  • Is low libido normal?For some people, having a low libido is normal. A low libido is only a cause for concern if it is caused by a medical condition or if the person does not want to have a low libido.
  • Does low libido vary by gender?
    Women are more likely than men to experience low libido. The causes of low libido can also depend on gender.

Most studies on low libido include cisgender people only. More research is needed to understand how libido affects people across the gender spectrum.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Should Sex Be Funny?

Laughter in the bedroom can enhance or seriously kill the mood. Here’s how to achieve comedic bliss.

As long as you’re both laughing, your hilarious sex life is fine

By Kirk Miller

For something we think about so much, nobody really focuses on the truth that sex is… well, fucking ridiculous.

The sounds. The smells. The vocabulary (say “balls” and try not to laugh).

So should we embrace the bedroom absurdity or ignore it?

I’m not equipped to answer this question — and yes, if you read “equipped” in an article about sex and slightly chuckled, you are me. So I cast a wide net, talking to comedians, podcasters, adult film stars, sexologists, therapists and other professionals of all persuasions, ages and gender identities to figure out if and when you can bring humor to bed.

My mission did not start well. “I don’t even understand what you’re asking,” said a former sex editor for InsideHook (I’ll take her answer as a “no.”) But that reticent editor did put me in touch with Courtney Kocak, a writer who co-hosts a podcast called Private Parts Unknown, which tackles sexuality around the world in ways both funny and serious.

“Humor absolutely belongs in the bedroom,” says Kovacs. “Sex is primal and sometimes awkward. I mean, c’mon, you can’t take yourself too seriously while engaged in a position called “doggy style.” Plus, our bodies tend to keep us humble with a queef, a guttural moan, or a ridiculous O-face — some of those moments are genuinely funny. Occasionally dirty talk is laugh-out-loud hilarious. Allow yourself to be authentic and laugh if something funny happens in the sack. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the wonderful intimacy that comes from being vulnerable.”

Vulnerability is a key point here — as many people I talked to were quick to mention, humor does not lead to demeaning or laughing at someone.

“Obviously, laughter can be an expression of discomfort,” says Emme Witt, a sex and relationships writer who’s also an experienced dominatrix. “I was once laughed at for masturbating during sex because a man was unable to make me orgasm through penetration. I wasn’t too happy about that. He was laughing. I wasn’t. The relationships ended.”

However, there can be a place for mockery, if specifically requested. Notes Witt: “As a pro-domme, I’ve also had clients request humor in our sessions. They want to be laughed at because they enjoy being degraded to give me pleasure. Laughing, therefore, is a fetish in and of itself.”

“Unless it’s a negotiated kink scene and everyone is on board or you are 100% confident that your partner is okay with it in a sexual setting, I typically tell people that body image, abilities, intellects and identities are off-limits for teasing,” adds Amy Julia Cheyfitz, a sex therapist and BDSM educator in the D.C. area (Cheyfitz also admits that, in her own life, she’s a fan of “good-natured, silly teasing” and, in the best answer I received, “Having a weak spot for terrible puns.”)

Humor actually might be the only way a relationship can thrive. “There is almost no way a couple can sustain a long-term, fun and healthy sex life without a sense of humor,” says Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, a therapist with a specialization in sexual health and the former clinical director of the largest independent women’s sexual health center in the U.S. “Sex, at its best, puts all of us in awkward, odd and sometimes downright embarrassing situations. If it isn’t, you are probably stuck in a boring rut. So one of the first things I do with couples in normalizing all of this and ask them to tap into the humor or sex, let go and learn to ‘play.’”

Unfortunately, there aren’t many examples we can easily point to where sex and humor collide in a way that’s, well, fun and stimulating. “Media often portrays sex in a one-dimensional way, serious and seductive, and it can be, but that’s not the only expression,” says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, a sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. “It’s important that people feel empowered to express themselves in ways that are authentic and reflective of their life experiences and not conform to a model.”

Still, laughter can go both ways — it can be a sign of euphoria or complete comfort, or a signal that one partner is nervous or unsure. “Laughing during sex can be a good indication of satisfaction, pleasure and overall happiness,” says Amber Shine, an ACS Certified Sex Educator and media manager at XFans Hub. “It can be triggered while you and your partner are teasing one another verbally or physically, perhaps including an inside joke, or even when something silly happens in the heat of it all – which is not a bad thing. But if jokes are used to cover up nervousness, performance anxiety, or worse, to shame the other person, then it’s best to keep them at bay and focus on the deed.”

So, what specifically is funny during sex? Almost everyone I spoke with mentioned sounds or unintended bodily functions. “Humor allows us to laugh at funny sounds like queefs, farts and sweaty bodies smacking together rather than being consumed by self-consciousness around having human bodies,” says Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez, an intimacy, relationship and identity coach/educator (and founder of Sex Positive You). “Besides, when sex is taken too seriously, it adds a level of stress. It becomes performative rather than pleasure-focused.”

So far, these seem like pretty simple rules to follow. However…“You do have to be careful,” warns Valentina Bellucci, a porn and fetish performer. “If you are more comfortable in bed than your partner, then you might kill the vibe even with one joke. But if you are with someone who is very confident and you both have a great relationship and can talk and joke about everything, you can move it to the bedroom and make jokes from time to time. It can be something that makes you laugh, role-playing or acting as if you were in a porn parody scene.”

So what ruins it for Belluci? “Very often I pick up a part of a song or a line from a movie and joke about it during the day. My partner knows exactly what it is and when we start having sex, all it takes is him repeating this one sentence and he knows I will not stop laughing for two or three minutes. When he does it during sex, it’s even worse because I have to stop. But when he does it when I’m close to orgasm, I have extremely mixed emotions because I can’t be mad at him because he made me laugh but also I’m pissed off because I know I was about to cum.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This Is the Key to Unlocking Your Best Sex Yet

— Solo or Partnered

By Crystal Raypole

Sex is a natural human desire. Many people enjoy physical intimacy and want more of it. Sex with new or multiple partners, different kinds of sex, better sex with your current partner — all are completely normal goals.

Yet, sometimes, it can feel as if improving your sex life is easier fantasized about than done.

Sure, you can find plenty of practical guides offering physical tips for better sex to people of any gender or anatomy.

But good sex doesn’t just involve your body. Your emotions and mood also play a pretty big part.

Like other aspects of wellness, good sexual health relies on the mind-body connection.

This interaction between mind and body can have some significant implications for emotional and physical health, both in and out of the bedroom.

Positive emotions such as joy, relaxation, and excitement help boost physical pleasure and satisfaction.

At the same time, distraction, irritability, and stress can all settle into your body, affecting your ability to remain present and fully enjoy experiences — from G- to X-rated — as they come.

Here’s the good news about the mind-body connection: Improvements in one area often yield similar improvements in the other.

In other words, increased emotional awareness could just help you have the best sex of your life. Nurturing this connection may take a little work, but these tips can help you get started.

Mindfulness refers to your ability to stay present in the moment.

Robyn Garnett, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who specializes in sex therapy, describes mindfulness as “being fully engaged in an activity, fully experiencing the moment with physical senses rather than the thinking mind.”

You can probably imagine how a lack of mindfulness can detract from a sexy experience.

You might try to stay focused, for example, but thoughts of that midterm you need to study for, the pile of dishes in the sink, or how early you have to get up in the morning keep creeping in.

This fragmented awareness is incredibly common, but learning to boost powers of observation in other areas of life can help you overcome it.

As you go about your day, pay more attention to your body. How do you feel when you exercise? Eat breakfast? Walk to work? Do chores?

Notice the physical and emotional sensations that come up. What feels good? Not so good? If your thoughts start to wander away from the activity, gently return them to what you’re doing.

Many people find meditation and yoga make it easier to get in tune with emotions and practice mindfulness throughout the day.

If you have trouble expanding your awareness alone, giving these wellness practices a try could help.

It can take some time to get the hang of mindfulness, but the increased self-awareness that develops as a result can facilitate greater connection during sex.

Generally speaking, great sex means everyone involved is getting their needs met on some level.

It’s fine to want to please your partner(s), but you should also have some idea of what you enjoy and want from a sexual encounter.

Staying present during sexual encounters, whether solo, partnered, or multipartnered, can help you notice:

  • what types of touch feel best
  • how your body feels from moment to moment (let yourself move naturally)
  • the noises you and your partner(s) make (don’t be afraid to make noise, even when on your own!)
  • how your breath and movements speed up and slow down (take time to enjoy yourself instead of rushing toward climax — unless that’s what you’re into!)

When something feels good, don’t be shy about speaking up. Discussing what you like and want more of can strengthen your connection and lead to even better sex.

The same goes for things you don’t love. Participating in activities you dislike, just for a partner’s benefit, can lead to disconnection (or dread) during sex.

Also keep in mind: Good sex doesn’t always require a partner. In fact, exploring sexual interests through masturbation can help you get more comfortable with your desires.

It becomes much easier to communicate with partners when you know exactly what you enjoy — if you do choose to share with a partner, that is. Solo sex can be equally fulfilling!

First of all, you can have fantastic sex without maintaining a romantic relationship.

(That said, if you’ve tried no-strings-attached sex and find it somewhat lacking, it’s worth considering that you may need more of an emotional connection.)

If you are in a relationship, though, you’ll want to take into account the ways stress and conflict can affect not just individual well-being but also partner interactions.

It’s often easier to recognize serious issues threatening your relationship, but smaller concerns can also build up, adding to worry and anxiety.

If you don’t know how to bring these issues up, even minor problems can cause strain and affect overall emotional wellness over time.

These effects can make it more challenging to connect with your partner and enjoy intimacy.

If you’re struggling to connect with your partner — physically or emotionally — couples counseling can offer a safe, judgment-free space to explore the issue and work on healthy, productive communication.

Arousal takes time and effort for many people. Some days, you might just not feel it (totally normal, in case you wondered). Regardless, you might want to go ahead with it anyway.

Maybe you don’t get a lot of chances to have sex and think you should make the most of it, or perhaps you don’t want to let your partner down.

Keep in mind, though, your body usually knows what it’s talking about.

Remember, your mind and body work together, so pushing yourself to connect intimately when you’re drained, tired, achy, or unwell generally doesn’t end well.

Instead of fully engaging with your partner, you might get distracted, notice physical discomfort or annoyance at being touched a certain way, or have difficulty maintaining arousal and having an orgasm.

Your good intentions could even trigger conflict if your partner notices you’re less than enthusiastic.

It’s always better to communicate instead of trying to force a mood you don’t feel. You can still enjoy yourselves without having sex.

In fact, Garnett explains, exploring nonsexual activities together could promote more meaningful connection that can, in turn, lead to an improved sexual relationship.

Don’t forget: A sexual partner who doesn’t respect your physical needs and tries to pressure you into having sex anyway is not one worth keeping.

Sex therapy might sound a little terrifying when you don’t know what to expect, but it’s basically just talk therapy.

“It provides a space for you to openly discuss concerns and potential barriers so you can better understand your own needs,” Garnett says.

“Sometimes the inability to enjoy sex comes down to a misunderstanding of your own body, so psychoeducation is often where the conversation starts,” she says.

Garnett explains that while your sex therapist might suggest activities for you to try outside of therapy, by yourself or with a partner, sex therapy itself doesn’t involve touch or demonstrations.

Your primary goal in sex therapy is exploring any issues potentially affecting your sex life, such as:

Although mental health symptoms can affect sexual desire and contribute to difficulties enjoying intimacy, the reverse is also true.

If you find intimacy challenging, for whatever reason, you might become anxious when thinking of sex or feel so low that your arousal fizzles out.

This can create an unpleasant cycle. Not only can missing out on the benefits of sex bring your mood down further, you might notice tension between you and your partner if you don’t communicate what you’re feeling.

A professional can help you take a holistic look at the challenges in all areas of life, from work stress and sleep troubles to normal life changes, and consider how they could be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.

Better sex might not happen overnight, but dedicated efforts toward increased mindfulness can help you employ the mind-body link to improve self-awareness.

This stronger connection within yourself can pave the way toward a powerful, more deeply satisfying sexual connection with others.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By Julia Naftulin

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Early sexual experiences could lead to healthier sex later in life

In her research, Diana Peragine encountered study after study that suggested an early sexual debut poses a risk to sexual health and sets the stage for a long list of negative outcomes, from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections to sexual exploitation and abuse.

“Research has traditionally cast first sexual intercourse as a young person’s sexual debut and focused on the public health concerns that it raises – documenting its onset, its causes, and its consequences as a problem behaviour not unlike adolescent drinking and drug use,” says Peragine, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Toronto Mississauga.

“As a result, there’s this long body of evidence linking an earlier sexual debut to adverse sexual health outcomes.”

But Peragine wondered if the earlier studies painted a complete picture.

So, she teamed up with her colleagues and looked at the idea of sexual debut in a broader sense. That includes other important firsts beyond intercourse – such as first sexual contact, first sexual stimulation and first orgasm.

The researchers also looked at the impact these experiences had on future sexual functioning, which had rarely been covered in previous research.

They discovered that people who have these first sexual experiences earlier are more likely to have better sexual functioning later in adulthood, and those who delay these experiences are more likely to face sexual difficulties down the road.

Peragine, along with fellow U of T researchers Malvina Skorska, Jessica Maxwell and Professor Emily Impett and Associate Professor Doug VanderLaan, detailed their findings in the study “The Risks and Benefits of Being ‘Early to Bed’: Toward a Broader Understanding of Age at Sexual Debut and Sexual Health in Adulthood” in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The researchers surveyed 3,139 adults to learn when they had sexual intercourse, sexual contact, sexual stimulation and an orgasm for the first time. Participants were also asked about their sexual history in the previous four weeks – specifically, if they had any difficulties with orgasms, desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction.

“Those with an earlier sexual debut had fewer sexual difficulties in many of these domains, and therefore healthier sexual function,” Peragine says.

She adds that it’s tricky to say exactly when an early sexual debut has occurred because “early” has been defined in many ways including before marriage, before the age of consent, before adolescence and even before the development of sexual readiness – and there’s still no consensus on its definition today.

“All these different markers have been used to define an earlier sexual debut, but none of them have really been universally agreed upon,” she says, adding that the average age for sexual intercourse among the study’s participants was 17.

The study also found that 93 per cent of participants indicated they had already had some sexual experience before engaging in intercourse, including previous sexual contact, orgasm and sexual stimulation.

Peragine says capturing sexual experiences beyond intercourse was important because adolescence is a time of sexual discovery and experimentation, and intercourse rarely marks the onset of sexual activity for young people. In fact, she says research suggests that other sexual debuts are becoming more common with each passing generation.

She adds that healthy sexual function is critical to sexual health and should be counted among the potential health outcomes of an early sexual debut.

“Heathy sexual function is a prerequisite for healthy sex, which should be pleasurable in addition to being safe and consensual,” she says. “It is also a growing priority when defining and managing sexual health. It includes an absence of difficulties with desire, arousal and orgasm, as well an absence of pain during sex and satisfaction with sexual activity.”

Peragine says the team also found that earlier exposures to some experiences, such as orgasm, seemed to bolster sexual interest and excitability. However, women tended to have these experiences years after men did – and their delay may be reflected in women’s higher rates of sexual desire and arousal disorders compared to men.

Peragine hopes the study will shed new light on early sexual experiences and the positive health impacts these events have later in life. She also hopes this research could better inform sexual education – particularly abstinence-only education.

“Abstinence-only education … stresses that no sexuality is healthy sexuality for adolescents,” she says. “Our findings not only contradict this view, but (indicate) that efforts to delay sexual activity may carry a risk themselves.

Peragine adds that abstinence-only education “might even be detrimental to young people’s sexual health in the long run – at least with respect to the capacity for functional and healthy sex.”

The research was supported by the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canadian Institutes of Health Research and the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.

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