Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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When Cancer Upends Your Sex Life

— Despite a wave of new research around cancer treatment and sexual health, women say their issues are still being dismissed. Here’s how and where to get help.

By Catherine Pearson

Débora Lindley López was 28 when she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Within three weeks, she began chemotherapy and was thrust into medically induced menopause. Ms. Lindley López developed vaginal dryness so severe that her skin began to deteriorate and was covered in small, paper cut-like tears. Urinating was uncomfortable; sex, agonizing.

But when Ms. Lindley López, now 31, told her oncologist about her vaginal pain and about how her libido had evaporated almost overnight, she said he responded dismissively, telling her that if he had a penny for every time he heard these complaints he’d be a rich man sitting on a beach. He suggested that she confide in the nurse about those symptoms, Ms. Lindley López said.

“It was awful,” she said, tearing up. “It made me feel like, how could I even be thinking about anything else other than cancer? The fact that I would even ask felt shameful.”

Cancer can devastate a woman’s sexual function in countless ways, both during treatment and for years down the road. Chemo can cause vaginal dryness and atrophy, similar to what Ms. Lindley López experienced, but it can also prompt issues like mouth sores, nausea and fatigue. Surgery, like a hysterectomy or mastectomy, can rob women of sensations integral to sexual arousal and orgasm. Pelvic radiation therapy can lead to vaginal stenosis, the shortening and narrowing of the vagina, making intercourse excruciating, if not impossible. Sadness, stress and body image issues can snuff out any sense of sexual desire.

“The damage that is done is not only physical, though women certainly experience damage to their bodies from the cancer and from the treatments,” said Dr. Elena Ratner, a gynecologic oncologist with the Yale Medicine Sexuality, Intimacy and Menopause Program. “From the diagnosis to the fear of recurrence to how they see their bodies, they feel like their whole sense of self is different.”

Over the past decade, and particularly in the last few years, there has been a marked increase in studies on how cancer upends women’s sex lives, during treatment and after. Dr. Ratner and other experts who work at the intersection of cancer care and sexual health feel encouraged that the research world has finally begun to grapple with those complex side effects — ones that had been all but ignored in previous generations of women, she said.

Just last year, for instance, a study found that 66 percent of women with cancer experienced sexual dysfunction, like orgasm problems and pain, while nearly 45 percent of young female cancer survivors remained uninterested in sex more than a year post diagnosis. Researchers also found a high prevalence of issues like vaginal dryness, fatigue and concerns around body image among women with lung cancer — findings that highlight the toll all types of cancer (not just breast or gynecologic) can take.

And yet, some of that very same research — combined with stories from patients, advocates and doctors — suggests that the increase in scientific interest has not made much of a practical difference for women. While Ms. Lindley López’s story offers an extreme example of provider indifference on the topic, experts say the challenges she faced when trying to seek help for her issues are not unique.

“The number of women affected by sexual health concerns after a cancer diagnosis is huge, and the need for these women to have access to medical care for sexual dysfunction after cancer is enormous,” said Dr. Laila Agrawal, a medical oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Norton Cancer Institute in Louisville, Ky.

“There’s a gap between the need and the availability for women to get this care.”

Why better research hasn’t really led to better treatment

Sharon Bober, a psychologist and director of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute’s Sexual Health Program, said several factors have helped move the needle on research. For one, survivorship is growing (in 2022, there were 18.1 million male and female cancer survivors in the United States; by 2032, there are projected to be 22.5 million). There is also a greater understanding within medicine and society at large that sex and sexuality are an important component of overall health, Dr. Bober said. Since 2018, she added, the American Society of Clinical Oncology has urged providers to initiate a discussion with every adult cancer patient — female and male — about the potential effects of cancer and cancer treatment on sex.

But some women say they’re still greeted with silence.

Cynthia Johnson, a 44-year-old from Texas, who was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 39, said she was “grateful for life and lifesaving treatments.” But that does not negate her frustration that not one of her doctors ever brought up her sexual health.

“They don’t tell you going into it that you are going to experience dryness. They don’t tell you that you are going to experience lack of desire,” Ms. Johnson said. “They don’t tell you that if you do, on the off chance, get in the mood to do something, it’s going to feel like razor blades.”

Surveys support her experience and also suggest there are significant gender discrepancies in who gets queried about sex. A 2020 survey of 391 cancer survivors found, for instance, that 53 percent of male patients were asked about their sexual health by a health care provider, while only 22 percent of female patients said the same. And findings presented last year at the annual meeting of the American Society for Radiation Oncology, focusing on 201 patients undergoing radiation for cervical or prostate cancer, concluded that 89 percent of men were asked about their sexual health at their initial consult, compared to 13 percent of women.

Dr. Jamie Takayesu, a radiation oncology resident physician at the University of Michigan Rogel Cancer Center and a lead author on the study, said the research was inspired by her own nagging sense that she wasn’t asking female patients about sex often enough, and she suspected her colleagues weren’t either. She has a few hypotheses about why: Prostate cancer has a high survival rate, she said, so doctors may be more inclined to focus on quality of life issues with treatment. But she also noted there were “better” and “more formalized tools” to assess sexual function in men, and that many cancer doctors — herself included — got little to no training in how to talk about sex.

Doctors say that until that changes, these types of conversations are unlikely to become standard in practice.

“This must be rolled into routine inquiry, so that it’s not something special or different, and it’s not based on a health care provider’s perspective about whether someone is sexually active,” Dr. Bober said. “I’ve had so many women say to me over time, ‘Nobody asked.’”

How and where to get help

Despite those significant headwinds, effective treatment options and interventions do exist.

Both Dr. Ratner and Dr. Bober work in multidisciplinary sexual health programs that, in many ways, represent the gold standard of care. A patient might see a gynecologist, a pelvic floor therapist who can help with treatment options like dilator therapy and a psychologist who can address emotional struggles. (Dr. Bober said that, until very recently, she could probably count the number of these centers on one hand; now she estimates there are “more than 10 and under 100” nationwide.)

A year and a half after her cancer diagnosis, Ms. Lindley López drove to one such center at Northwestern University in Chicago. At her visit, she saw a clinical sexologist who teared up during the pelvic exam. “She said, ‘You’re 29 and your vaginal area looks like you’re about 80,’” Ms. Lindley López recalled. The sexologist gave her information about laser therapy vaginal rejuvenation and recommended several estrogen creams to help with vaginal atrophy.

It was comforting “just sitting down in that office, and having someone put her hand on my shoulder and say: ‘Hey, this is important. And anybody who tells you that this is not important, is wrong,’” Ms. Lindley López said.

While they are becoming more plentiful, these types of programs still tend to exist in large hospitals or major urban cancer centers and many women in the United States may not live close enough, or have the resources or health insurance coverage, to regularly access such care. But even if going to a sexual health center is not possible, most women just need a “home base,” said Lisa Egan, a physician assistant with a focus on gynecologic oncology who leads the Sexual Health in Women Impacted by Cancer Program at Oregon Health & Science University.

Who that “home base” is can vary; it just needs to be a provider that offers help and support. Ms. Egan said it could be the patient’s primary care doctor or a cancer doctor or nurse; Dr. Bober said it might be a gynecologist or a sex therapist. Dr. Agrawal also noted that the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health had a database of providers who focused at least partially on female sexual health issues, so it could be a useful jumping-off point. To ascertain if providers are in a good position to help, it may be useful to ask outright about what their experience has been helping women with sexual dysfunction during and after cancer, and if they would feel comfortable helping you put together a plan for addressing your concerns — even if that means referring you out to other clinicians, Dr. Bober said.

All of the doctors interviewed for this story also noted that online communities and advocacy groups could be helpful resources. Ms. Johnson, for instance, is an ambassador at For the Breast of Us, which provides community and support for women of color impacted by breast cancer; Ms. Lindley López works for the Young Survival Coalition, a nonprofit focusing specifically on the needs of young adults with breast cancer. These kinds of groups offer a platform for women to swap information, connect with providers and find solidarity — particularly as the medical world struggles to fully address their needs.

“I really want women with cancer to know that sexual health problems are treatable medical problems, and they can get better,” Dr. Agrawal said. “I just want to offer that out as hope.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Facts All Men Should Know About Sexual Problems and Dysfunction

Male sexual dysfunction can include a wide variety of problems, ranging from low libido, erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation, and other issues. While many men know that these issues are common, they can be difficult to talk about. In fact, many men wait several months, or even years, before raising the issue with their primary care physician.

Thankfully, both normal and abnormal male sexual function are now better understood medically than ever before. Dr. Sharon Parish, Professor of Medicine in Clinical Psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medicine, maintains an active faculty practice specializing in sexual medicine. “I use an integrated, holistic approach, looking at the whole man,” explained Dr. Parish. “Often, men will first see a urologist and then are referred to me for a more detailed evaluation and discussion of their overall health.”

Here, Dr. Parish shares her insight as to the connection between male sexual, physical, and mental health.

Sexual problems may signal a cardiovascular or other medical issues

“Any man that experiences a change in libido, erection, or ejaculation should bring this up to their primary care physician,” said Dr. Parish. Any issue that lasts for several months may indicate a more serious medical issue that should be addressed:

  • Early ejaculation can develop because of medication, nerve damage, or other direct urinary conditions
  • A change in libido or erection may be the first sign of diabetes
  • Problems with libido or erection may be related to a hormonal imbalance
  • Problems with erection may be a sign of a cardiovascular issue or prostate cancer

There is a strong link between sexual function and mental health

Mental health issues — including depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric illnesses — can lead to many different types of sexual disorders. “It’s clear that there is a strong connection between ED and depression,” asserted Dr. Parish. “Women, on the other hand, who experience depression are more likely to see a decrease in libido. It’s very important to diagnose the psychiatric illness first to improve sexual function.”

Sexual function is often improved by addressing, managing, and alleviating anxiety and depression. “There are many helpful therapies,” Dr. Parish explained, “including mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, and relaxation techniques to help one be more present in the experience and enjoy it more fully.”

Medications for mental illness may cause sexual function changes, to varying degrees

“There is a wide misconception that the medications for mental illness cause sexual problems, but the data is clear that sexual function is more likely to improve when the mental illness is treated,” said Dr. Parish. “It’s not a good idea to avoid the medication because of the potential side effects.”

Fifty to 70 percent of men do not experience any sexual side effects from medications, and men taking medications for serious psychiatric disorders are more likely to experience a sexual side effect.

“If you do experience sexual problems as a result of a medication,” Dr. Parish explained, “work with your doctor to manage the side effects. Several drugs are known to produce lesser side effects.”

Again, Dr. Parish emphasized the importance of mental health for sexual health. “The key,” she stated, “is to treat the mental disorder and then the sexual disorder. It’s best to get the condition treated and work with the doctor to manage the side effects.”

With age, some changes in sexual function are normal

Some changes in sexual drive, performance, and function are normal parts of aging. “As men get older,” said Dr. Parish, “they may need more time for foreplay or direct stimulation. If this isn’t enough to improve normal age-related changes in sexual function, sex therapy can be very beneficial.”

However, if the changes are dramatic or difficult to work through, Dr. Parish suggested talking to a primary care physician. “Your doctor can help you differentiate normal changes from more problematic issues, including medical issues,” she said. “Don’t assume it’s a normal change that comes from getting older.”

Improving overall health can improve sexual performance

Dr. Parish ascribes to the “biopsychosocial model” for overall and sexual health. “There is so much interconnectivity when it comes to our health,” she explained. “It’s important to take a holistic view.”

Indeed, cardiovascular, neurological, hormonal, and psychological systems all interact together for sexual performance. A healthy lifestyle can significantly help improve sexual function — improving diet, achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and exercising regularly all help promote greater overall health and, therefore, greater sexual health.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ever Feel Sad After Sex?

— You Might Have Post-Coital Dysphoria

What Are the Post-Sex Blues? Here’s How To Deal With This Common Issue

BY Rebecca Strong

After sex, some people feel a sense of euphoria, relaxation, and closeness to their partner. But that’s not the case for everyone.

According to a 2019 study, almost half of men report feeling sad, distant, or irritable after sex. This is often called “post-coital dysphoria” (PCD), or the post-sex blues. But why does it happen? And are there ways to treat it?

First things first: PCD is nothing to be ashamed of. As previously noted, it’s super common. More importantly, experts say it’s nothing to worry about, and often just goes away on its own with time.

That said, if this condition is negatively impacting your sex life, relationship, or overall mental well-being, know that there are things you can do to cope — starting with pinpointing what’s driving your PCD.

Here’s what to know about the common signs and causes of PCD, and how to treat it.

What Are the Signs of Post-Coital Dysphoria?

Experts say PCD can manifest in different ways. You may be experiencing this condition if you feel any of the following after sex:

  • Aggravated
  • Sad
  • Apathetic
  • Restless
  • Uneasy

These feelings may set in immediately after sex, or up to an hour or two after you finish.

Depending on personality and history, a person experiencing PCD may start crying or seem easily annoyed, says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

“Some people with PCD may feel the need to leave the room or the situation altogether,” she explains.

What Causes Post-Coital Dysphoria?

A 2019 study found that PCD is linked to:

  • Psychological distress
  • Childhood sexual abuse
  • Sexual dysfunctions

If you’ve had traumatic sexual experiences or are currently dealing with sexual dysfunction, then intimate situations can trigger all kinds of negative emotions — like fear or shame.

There are many other possible causes, too.

Since you have higher levels of the feel-good chemical dopamine during sex, your body releases the hormone prolactin afterward to bring you back to your baseline.

In other words, you go from a major high to a sudden crash. According to Tufts University, that post-coital drop in dopamine may contribute to a low mood or other symptoms of PCD.

According to Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a therapist and sex and intimacy coach, performance anxiety can also be a factor.

“A history of depression, anxiety, or trauma can certainly aggravate PCD or increase the likelihood of it,” adds Manly.

“For example,” she explains, “if a person is already sad or depressed, the feelings can be magnified if the sexual intimacy was not connective or fulfilling. As well, if other stressors such as arguments, financial unrest, body issue images, etc. are at play these issues can be exacerbated given the vulnerability involved in sexual intimacy.”

How PCD Can Impact Your Sex Life & Relationship

“Post-coital dysphoria is unlikely to have a major impact on your sexual and romantic life if it’s experienced rarely,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and founder of Sex & Psychology. “However, if it’s a common occurrence, it can potentially be distressing — especially if you have a partner who does not understand it or takes it personally, in which case it may become a source of conflict.”

According to Manly, PCD can create ongoing feelings of disconnection, particularly if your partner notices that you seem cold or distant after sex.

Bisbey notes that PCD can also lead you to avoid sex and the negative feelings associated with it. Over time, this avoidance can begin to take a toll on your overall intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

“You may choose to use pornography instead of intimacy with a partner as solo sex often feels emotionally safer due to the lack of vulnerability,” adds Manly. “Over time, unaddressed PCD can actually tear a relationship apart due to the lack of emotional and sexual intimacy.”

How to Treat Post-Coital Dysphoria

If PCD is something you only experience once in a while, Lehmiller says it’s nothing to worry about.

“Psychologists think this may be a normal variation that sometimes happens following sex and that we shouldn’t pathologize it,” he explains.

On the other hand, if PCD is a persistent issue for you, and is triggering feelings of anxiety or depression, or negatively impacting your sex life or relationship, Lehmiller suggests consulting with a sex therapist. A licensed provider may be able to help you get to the root cause of the issue, whether it’s related to a mood disorder, an underlying sexual dysfunction, or a history of trauma.

Bisbey notes that it can also be helpful to tell your doctor about your symptoms of PCD, as they can help rule out any physical health issues that may be causing it.

While psychotherapy can be tremendously helpful, Manly notes that there are many other ways to address PCD — such as through support groups, self-help books, or journaling.

Manly also highly recommends being open and honest with your partner about the symptoms you’re experiencing. By openly discussing your feelings before, during, or after sex, you’re giving your partner an opportunity to be more supportive and accommodating.

“When partners work together to face PCD and address the issues with compassion, the relationship can actually become stronger and more loving,” adds Manly.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My Husband and I Are in a Long-Distance Relationship

—And It’s Actually Pretty Great

By Vrutika Shah

The world has never been kind to a long-distance relationship. While life never tires of throwing lemons your way with the utmost unpredictability, you never see pop culture deliver a fairytale romance that gives the hardest kind of relationship its due credit. On the contrary, it’s dismissed as a facade for underlying, superficial intentions. On an episode of How I Met Your Mother, protagonist Ted Mosby sums it up by saying, “Long distance is just a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.” Even in these fictional tales, if the love story somehow results in a happy ending, there are elements of infidelity that often come into play. However, as someone who’s been in a six-year long-distance relationship that culminated in marriage, I’m here to tell you that it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s actually pretty great.

My husband and I met like most other couples, at a common friend’s party in 2017. He works in the merchant navy and is usually away at sea for six months at a time. We began dating within six months of meeting one other and got married earlier this year. Since he proposed to me in 2019, people who learn about my relationship usually react with a sympathetic head tilt and ask the same three questions. So, I’m answering them once and for all in the hope that someone might find respite in my story, especially in times when dating apps are wreaking havoc on romance.

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of the pessimism that comes hand-in-hand with the concept of long-distance relationships. Let’s begin with the premise that in order for your relationship to work, your partner and you should bring each other great joy, satisfy each other mentally and physically, and have no issues that cannot be solved with loving words. Like in any relationship, the red flags should be limited to the kind that you can tolerate because, let’s be real, nobody’s perfect and you too come with your own baggage.

The first argument against long-distance relationships is usually: How do you keep your sights locked onto just one person that you don’t see very often? This question always baffles me, because what’s the guarantee that your devotion towards one another won’t waiver even if you live in the same town as your partner? People cheat on one another despite living under the same roof, and the answer really boils down to the nature of your relationship and how much loyalty means to your partner and you. For my husband and me, in the first month of meeting one another and confessing our feelings, we placed loyalty significantly high on the list of things that had to be a part of our relationship for it to work. We went in with the mindset that we saw something long-term with one another. And since then, a third person has never entered the picture. We were both so confident in our connection that there was never a question of our sights yo-yo-ing, but we also shut down any advances made by a third party at the first instance. That’s not to say that monogamy should be the way for everybody—all I’m trying to say is that your partner and you need to be on the same page with clear priorities.

The second question I usually get from concerned friends and relatives is: Don’t you get lonely? I usually respond with a firm no and a dismissive shrug, but I always wonder if, as a society, we’re still stuck in the ’90s mindset that you can’t function without a partner. Even today, so many of my own friends don’t step out of the house without their significant other. To me, this makes no sense. I work a 9-to-5 job, I have two sets of friends, two families, and two dogs to care for. And even if I choose to just have a mellow night, I’m perfectly happy in my own company. The limited time that my husband and I get to do a video call during the day feels like a well-earned break and I love that he is my space for venting and nurturing. This allows both of us to have a world outside our relationship and thrive in it, rather than mushing into each other’s personalities.

And lastly, because I know this question is already in your head: Is it extra magical every time you are together? Hell yes! Picking my husband up from the airport is our tradition. Even after six years together, instead of having a mutually agreed-upon place to meet, we struggle to find each other in the parking lot. But when I finally spot him, every cell in my body launches towards him and I don’t care about who’s watching. We usually have big plans made for our next adventure together, but even just sitting around, watching TV or doing chores, brings us genuine pleasure. And then, when it’s time to go our separate ways, instead of being sad and sappy, we make it a priority to make every last bit of time count and then say our goodbyes with a smile and a whole lot of support. This has also allowed both of us to be just as crazy about one another as we were when we started dating. We legitimately enjoy each other’s company and count it as a privilege.

I won’t say long-distance relationships aren’t hard. A big part of being in love makes you want to experience all the wonderful and terrible things in life along with your partner. That feeling of I wish you were here never goes away. Your communication skills are tested to the limit, especially if different time zones, network issues, and busy schedules are involved. But if you can cross those hurdles, your relationship has passed the hardest test and can withstand almost any curveballs that may come your way. Compromises don’t feel like a big deal because your partner is well aware of your limits, and vice versa.

Long-distance relationships not only force you to be your partner’s best friend and confidante, but also allow a space for your individuality to shine through. It’s easy to become a little self-involved from time to time, but I have found that being in a long-distance relationship allows you to gain a wider perspective. It somehow gives you the power to make your problems seem smaller than they are in your mind. When you know somebody’s in your corner and always rooting for you, there are very few things in life that can really bring you down. For example, when my husband is sailing, we face network issues very often that present themselves in the form of lags and reconnections. But after years of navigating through them, we’ve got to a point where we’re so in tune with one another that we can manage to have an entire conversation with the delayed responses no longer posing a problem. If that’s not in sync, I don’t know what is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pleasure Centers On Your Body You Didn’t Even Know About

By Hannah Rice

Most people have heard the expressions “getting to first base” or “scoring a home run.” These sayings turn sports metaphors into sexual allusions, hinting at a certain goal that is supposed to result from physical intimacy. And, to plenty of folks, that mentality makes sense. After all, is there a problem with bringing an “eyes on the prize” attitude into the bedroom? Well, according to sexologists, the answer is: Yes.

Debby Herbenick, PH.D., M.P.H., is a sexual health professor, per her personal website. In a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, Herbenick explained that being too focused on one area of the body can be detrimental to one’s sex life. “In the quest for sexual pleasure, we too often focus squarely on one another’s genitals as if those few square inches hold the only key to ecstasy,” she wrote. Apparently, this sense of tunnel vision can lead to dissatisfaction over time. Herbenick warned, “[S]ex runs the risk of turning stale unless partners pay attention to each other and to more than just the [obvious pleasure centers].”

To achieve a happier and healthier sex life, couples can try to let go of goal-based intimacy and strive for something more holistic. One way that partners can do this is by focusing less on the areas below the belt and, instead, putting more effort into other parts of the body. In doing so, couples can discover the many pleasure centers that exist, from their scalps to their toes.

The lower back

Woman touches partner's back

At first glance, the lower back might not seem like the sexiest part of the body. However, sexologists report that it is actually a powerful pleasure center. According to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, the lower back can experience intense feelings of enjoyment. As O’Reilly told SheKnows, certain individuals find that, “their lower back is the most sensitive area of their body.” Per the sexologist, the area can be stimulated through some tickling, and can even result in “orgasmic sensations.”

The reason for the lower back’s intense sensitivity can be traced to the area’s anatomy. In an interview with Metro, Dr. Deborah Lee, a sexual health physician, revealed that many women experience lower back pleasure, thanks to a bone called the sacrum. Located above the tailbone, the sacrum is able to stimulate many of the nerve endings in the pelvic area. Per the doctor, many women can experience orgasm when their partner massages this area. “A ‘sacr[al] orgasm’ is another way of achieving female orgasm, by directly stimulating nerves in the sacral [lower back] area,” she told Metro. While Dr. Lee suggested massaging the lower back on its own, she also recommended touching this body part throughout intercourse. “Women often find sexual stimulation, such as stroking, or applying pressure on their lower back directly over the sacral region, highly pleasurable during sex,” she revealed.

The shoulders

Woman receives massage

The lower back isn’t the part of the body that could benefit from a nice, gentle massage. A good old-fashioned shoulder rub could also help partners access their pleasure centers by fostering a sense of relaxation. According to My Health Alberta, shoulder massages can help reduce tension and relieve stress. And the more relaxed that partners feel during an intimate moment, the more satisfaction they experience.

The reason for this is that stress has a direct impact on sex drive. In an interview with Talkspace, psychologist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, explained that an increase in stress can cause a decrease in sexual activity. “When you’re stressed … you may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex,” O’Neill revealed. The psychologist also went on to warn that stress can actually make sex feel like a chore. “It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list,” she added.

Luckily, however, taking time to relax can greatly impact one’s libido. As sex therapist Diane Gleim LMFT, CST, wrote for a piece in Psychology Today, “Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex.” Partners looking to sink into that relaxed state can exchange pleasurable shoulder massages. To achieve this, Health Alberta recommends “kneading” the two shoulder muscles softly and then slowly increasing pressure. For maximum enjoyment, try adding a soft squeeze to the back of the neck.

The spine

A fulfilling spine massage

While giving a relaxing shoulder massage, partners might want to stimulate some of the body’s other pleasure centers. One thing to consider is adding in some spine play. According to the experts, this can be a great way to simply enjoy your partner’s body or set the mood for sex. Chantelle Otten is an Australian psycho-sexologist who has also worked as an ambassador for Love Honey. In an interview with Body+Soul, Otten noted that not everyone knows just how pleasurable spine stimulation can be. “A zone that people can neglect is the spine,” she lamented. Nonetheless, the psychotherapist opined that many partners will enjoy spine stimulation if they follow a few tips. “[O]nce you trail a single finger, a pinwheel, or perhaps a feather tickler, down the length of your partner’s spine, you won’t forget this zone in a hurry,” she told Body+Soul.

The reason that spinal pleasure is so powerful has to do with the spine’s function in the body. As per the Cleveland Clinic, the spine sends nerve signals from the body to the brain and vis-versa. This means that one of your spine’s jobs is to report sensations back to your brain. And, as noted in Psychology Today, the spine even has a special pathway that only sends “pleasant touch” signals from the body to the brain. Because of this, partners might consider stimulating each other’s spines using their fingers, tongues, or even toys.

The armpits

Girl shows off underarms

Armpits might not have a great overall reputation. After all, they are one of the only body parts that inspired a special product designed to control their smell. (Cue: deodorant.) Nonetheless, armpits are a powerful part of the body when it comes to their erogenous potential. For one thing, armpits are rumored to secrete the scents that generate sexual attraction. As licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, told Insider, “Some people believe the armpits to be an erogenous zone because they may secrete pheromones, but this is still debated.” For another thing, armpits are extremely sensitive to touch.

According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lot of people experience the armpits as a pleasure center simply because this zone is so often ignored during sex. In a conversation with mindbodygreen, Steward elaborated, “Kissing and teasing the armpit can be sexy for you, especially because it is a zone that doesn’t get touched often, so it’s more sensitive than a lot of the areas on the body.” She also explained that underarm pleasure doesn’t have to stop at simple touching. “Armpits get a bad rap because of the odors they emit, but for some of us, armpits are [also] erogenous to smell,” she added.

The neck

Woman touches her neck

The neck can be a serious pleasure center, thanks to the area’s overall sensitivity. As sexual health physician Dr. Rahul Gupta, MD, pointed out in a piece for Lybrae, both the nape of the neck and the back of the neck are “pleasure points” for some people. According to the physician, “[The nape of the neck is an] erogenous spot … packed with nerve endings.” Later, he explained that the blood flow through the back of the neck also stimulates feelings of pleasure. In a section on this area, Gupta wrote, “[Y]our neck acts as a hot spot: it’s extremely sensitive, full of blood vessels, and is associated with vulnerability.”

To stimulate neck pleasure, partners can try a unique breathing technique suggested by clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D. In an interview with Women’s Health, Laino revealed that partners can exhale on each other’s necks to achieve enjoyable results. “Even a faint breath excites the nerve endings on the neck and can be very arousing for both men and women,” Laino said. To put this principle into practice, partners can try lying down side-by-side and blowing lightly on the skin between the lower ear lobe and the collarbone. As things heat up, adding other factors, like kissing, nibbling, or licking, per Laino’s conversation with Women’s Health, can be fun.

The feet

Couple lounges in bed

The feet have long had a reputation for inspiring sexual desire, thanks to the notoriety of foot fetishes in contemporary culture. However, beyond the psychological stimulation that feet can create in some people, this body part can also produce physical pleasure. As Love Honey sexpert Annabelle Knight emphasized in an interview with Metro, “It is worth remembering, too, that the feet are erogenous zones in their own right, with 7,000 nerve endings.” Because of this massive quantity of nerve endings, some people can even achieve orgasm through foot stimulation– Although Knight explained that it’s not common. “Foot orgasms are incredibly rare and it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve an orgasm through foot stimulation alone,” she told Metro.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways that partners can enjoy each other’s feet. Per clinical sexologist Aliyah Moore, couples can start out by giving each other a simple foot massage. In an interview with Elle, Moore elaborated, “Many nerve endings cover the feet … So, massaging them creates exciting and intense sensations.” To alternate or vary these sensations, Moore recommended using toys. “For example, tickle your partner’s feet using a feather or a wisp of cotton or any subtly sharp object. You can also alternate between warm and cold things to stimulate the feet,” Moore told Elle.

The ears

Man whispers into ear

In the movie “Meet the Fockers,” Barbara Streisand’s character, Roz Focker, dished out some iconic sex advice: Stimulate the ears. In the context of a comedy film, this advice might seem funny. However, according to science, Roz Focker might just have been right. Per Medical News Today, the human ear has 25,000 nerve endings — More than three times the number of nerve endings in the feet. Because of this, the outlet reports, some people can even achieve orgasm through ear stimulation alone.

While not everyone may want to try for an “eargasm,” there are several alternative ways to experience ear pleasure. According to clinical sexologist Steve McGough, Ph.D., a massage can effectively stimulate this pleasure center. As McGough revealed in an interview with Women’s Health, gently massaging the ear can be especially enjoyable. “This area is connected to the vagus nerve, which travels from the skull downward through the heart, nipples, and genitals,” he told the outlet. McGough added that this massage could be especially stimulating for women. “Research has shown that the vagus nerve is involved in female orgasm,” he shared.

Luckily, a massage isn’t the only way to evoke ear pleasure. Partners can also use their fingertips and mouths to make each other feel good. In an interview with Insider, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, advised: “Try lightly caressing with a fingertip, nibbling on the earlobe, or tracing your tongue around the back of the ear.”

The cheeks

Kiss on the cheek

For some people, a kiss on the cheek seems more fit for their grandma than, say, a lover. However, when incorporated into a sexual context, cheek kisses can also be erogenous. According to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and the director of The Intimacy Institute, the cheeks respond well to touch. Speaking to Women’s Health, Skyler explained, “The cheeks are actually really sensitive. If you have your partner close their eyes as you softly caress their cheek, that can be really arousing.”

Interestingly, cheeks aren’t just a physical pleasure center — They are also an emotional one. In an interview with Elite Daily, body language expert Tonya Reiman analyzed the emotional impact of touching someone’s face. “When someone touches or strokes your hair and/or face during sex, it is typically a demonstration of affection. This is primal; it shows that they want to connect with you on more than a mere physical level,” Reiman said. The best part is that a kiss on the cheek can be extremely meaningful for the receiving partner. As New York-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., told Women’s Health, this gesture “can activate deep feelings of being cared for.”

Consequently, partners looking to bring more sentimentality into their sex lives might want to stimulate each other’s cheeks. Caress them with a finger, nuzzle them with the nose, or shower them with kisses. Ultimately, showing the cheeks some love can also make one’s partner feel more loved.

The wrists

Couple uses handcuffs

Just like the cheeks, the inner wrist can be a pleasure center emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, NetDoctor reports that not everyone knows that this region has the potential to send shivers up the spine. As sex therapist Mia Sabat told the outlet, “It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive.” Beyond the inner wrist’s physical sensitivity, the region also has the power to foster intimate communication between partners. In her conversation with NetDoctor, Sabat revealed, “Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress [their inner wrist] will turn you on, too.”

Some couples may also want to use their wrists to introduce a little bit of power play into their sex lives. According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, pairs can achieve this when one partner grabs the other one’s wrist during a sexual interaction. In an interview with mindbodygreen, Howard said, “Being pinned down by the wrists or a firm grip during a make-out session is common. Pressure play is a great way to explore pleasure with the wrists.” Couples looking to spice up their wrist play even further may consider experimenting with handcuffs or other forms of bondage.

The belly

A couples in bed

The belly represents a key piece of real estate on the human body as it is situated immediately above the genitals. Because of its prime location, the belly experiences heightened levels of sensitivity and erotic pleasure (via Insider). And, per a conversation between Women’s Day and certified sexuality educator Amy Levine, a small minority of people can orgasm from doing an ab workout. Levine told the outlet, “It’s unlikely that the majority of us will be able to experience [this] effect, but incorporating some ab work in the bedroom could help get you in the mood. Not to mention, the thought of [your partner] moving farther south can be downright exciting.”

While doing abdominal exercises could be very rewarding for some, it might be … well, anticlimactic for others. To stimulate the belly without doing crunches, partners can try gently touching each other’s stomachs. In an interview with Women’s Health, clinical sexologist, Renee Lanctot, Ph.D., recommended focusing on the region surrounding the belly button. “One of the best ways to approach belly button play is by circling the area: Use large circles that converge slowly, using the belly button as your bullseye,” Lanctot suggested. While some couples may enjoy using their fingers, others might prefer to use their tongues, or even a toy.

The scalp

Woman massages man's scalp

It’s no secret that a head rub can feel fantastic, but some folks may not know that the scalp is actually one of the body’s main pleasure centers. Because of its many nerve endings, the scalp is extra sensitive to touch, according to Prevention. This means that sexual partners can unlock the scalp’s feel-good potential via a gentle massage. According to Australian psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten, one effective scalp rub technique can really heat things up during a make-out session. In an article for Body+Soul, Otten advised, “[O]nce you start kissing, run your nails through your partner’s hair and down the back of their scalp and neck to bring on those pleasurable feelings.” She suggested adding a bit of neck and ear action into this scalp play: “Moving your thumbs up behind the ear and down the nape of the neck are really hot ways to incorporate multiple erogenous zones.”

For partners looking to explore the spicier side of scalp play, it might also be gratifying to incorporate a bit of hair-pulling. As certified sex educator Emma McGowan told Glamour, hair-pulling can stimulate the scalp in a deeply satisfying way. “Your scalp has thousands of little nerve endings, and if you’ve ever had your hair pulled during sex, you know it’s an erogenous zone,” she told the outlet. Before pulling someone’s hair, however, remember that it is important to ask for consent.

The hands

Holding hands in bed

Holding hands can be a sweet gesture in public, but in private, it can actually be kind of steamy. In an interview with Well+Good, sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., explained that the hands are a pleasure center, capable of receiving intense enjoyment. To tap into these good feelings, O’Reilly suggested that partners try rubbing each other’s palms. “Consider giving your partner’s hand (or your own) a sensual massage using your thumb to work in sweeping ovals … You can also trace your fingertips around the palm with a feather-light touch or play with their fingers in your hand with a gentle stroking and circular motion,” she told Well+Good.

Couples looking to connect more deeply during sex might also consider using their hands to foster a sense of emotional closeness. Patti Wood, a body language expert, told Elite Daily that holding hands during these intimate moments can help partners bond. As Wood told the outlet, “[Holding hands during sex is] a sign of tenderness, and it’s a signal of connection, rather than just passion or lust.” The body language expert added that a person who grabs their partner’s hand is trying to communicate their desire for closeness. “They want to maintain a connection with you that has more intimacy attached to it,” Wood affirmed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Does Disability Affect Sex?

— People living with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, which can have disastrous effects on their well-being. Humans are inherently sexual and, as such, deserve to have safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and be free to explore their sexuality and gender.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Many people within society view people living with disabilities as asexual, leaving them with little access to sexual and reproductive healthcare and education.
  • People living with disabilities are sexual beings and are entitled to safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and to explore their sexual and gender identities.
  • Mobility, fatigue, and pain can affect the sex of someone living with a disability. However, there are multiple toys and positions that can be used to help alleviate some of these issues.

Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue may affect a person’s sex life, certain toys and positions can aid in pleasure.

How does disability affect sex?

Having a disability can affect sex in several ways, particularly for people with limited mobility, chronic pain, and fatigue. However, this doesn’t mean that those living with a disability cannot enjoy a healthy and pleasurable sex life, as having a physical or cognitive disability doesn’t limit a person’s sexuality.

Humans are inherently sexual and have sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. However, many people within society view people living with disabilities as ‘asexual,’ not wanting to have sex, or not experiencing sexual feelings. This stereotype can affect people living with disabilities in numerous ways, including diminishing self-confidence, desire, ability to find a partner, and ability to view themselves as sexual being. People living with disabilities exist along the same spectrum as nondisabled people, with varied sexual orientations and gender identities.

Those living with mobility issues and chronic pain may have to approach sex a little differently than they’d like to. However, there a sex toys designed specifically to help with this issue for those who’d like to engage in solo sex. For those wanting to engage in sex with a partner, several positions and tools can help alleviate pain and maximize pleasure.

How to maximize pleasure while living with a disability?

Give yourself permission to be sexual

Sadly, research has found that people living with disabilities often internalize the asexuality stereotype, which diminishes their sexual desire and arousal. However, all humans are sexual beings that deserve sexual pleasure. Permitting yourself to be sexual, both solo and with a partner, allows you to reclaim your sexuality and cultivate a pleasurable life.

Allowing yourself to be a sexual being has added benefits, particularly concerning sexual health, as those who are sexually autonomous have been found to make informed decisions about their sexual health, leading to healthier outcomes.

Use toys, tools, and positions that work for you

There are a number of tools, positions, and toys that assist people with limited mobility and chronic pain.

The Bump’n sex toy can be used in several different ways depending on your needs. It’s designed to be a huggable pillow that you can insert a number of sex toys into to hump or grind on, which is great for solo play.

Sex wedges and pillows can also assist with placing your body in a position that is comfortable for you. Depending on your mobility and your partner’s mobility, there are many different positions that you can use to increase pleasure. When exploring new positions with a partner, both partners need to be communicative and express what feels good and what doesn’t. And remember that lube goes a long way in making things feel good.

How does disability affect sexual health?

As many people living with a disability are labeled ‘asexual’ by society, they often do not receive adequate sexual health care from health providers. Those living with a disability need regular pap tests, breast exams, prostate exams, and testicular checks, just like the rest of society.

People living with a disability who engage in sex need to have regular STI checks and have access to education on the importance of contraception.

People living with disabilities should expect to be treated as the whole person by healthcare professionals and expect to receive necessary sexual health care. If your health care needs are not taken seriously, we encourage you to advocate for yourself or access services available in your area to get the care you deserve.

People living with disabilities are not given comprehensive sexual health education

Again, as many people in society see people with disabilities as asexual, sexual education is often overlooked. However, sex and relationship education is just as important for people with disabilities as for those without disabilities. Sex education for disabled people should be given as children, with age-appropriate information. Additional information should also be covered, including:

  • People living with disabilities can have romantic, meaningful, and pleasurable relationships.
  • Sexual information that is specific to their individual needs.

Receiving this education allows people to live sexually healthy and pleasurable lives in healthy relationships.

Humans are inherently sexual beings deserving of safe and pleasurable sexual experiences, relationships, and sexual healthcare access, including those with disabilities. If you are living with a disability, you are entitled to be treated and respected as a sexual being. Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue, may not allow you to have the sex you would like, there are toys, tools, and positions that can aid in pleasurable sexual experiences for solo and partnered play.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The No. 1 Reason Couples Stop Having Sex

It doesn’t have anything to do with physical attraction.

By Juliana LaBianca

There are so many reasons couples stop having sex, from loss of passion to busy schedules to medications that hinder intimacy. Once your sex life slows, it can be hard to get back on track. Days turn into weeks turn into months—and at a certain point, the situation might seem beyond repair. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. Ahead, therapists tell us the number one reason couples stop having sex, as well as what causes it and how you can strengthen your bond. By getting ahead of this sneaky relationship ruiner, you can keep your sex life strong for years to come.

This is why couples really stop having sex.

In many cases, a disconnect in the bedroom is caused by a disconnect in your overall relationship.

“It’s not for lack of physical desire, or that you find the person unattractive, or even that you want to sleep with someone else,” says David Tzall, PsyD, a licensed psychologist based in Brooklyn. “All those can certainly happen, but the [impetus] is that you no longer feel safe, comfortable, or connected with your partner.”

If you or your partner don’t feel that emotional security, it’s unlikely you’ll want to or be able to have a fulfilling sex life. But here’s what you should know so you can improve this part of your relationship.

Emotional distance builds over time.

Fortunately, an emotional disconnect doesn’t just pop up. If you pay close attention, you can usually stop it before it escalates. According to Tzall, emotional distance often occurs in couples that don’t communicate well.

“Slights and hurts build and grow into resentment,” he explains. “The couple speaks less and less and does not share their needs or desires, emotionally, mentally, and physically.”

Sometimes, not even the individuals in the relationship can identify the root issue. “The couple is usually unaware of the reasons and will blame themselves or their partner,” says Tzall. “If the blame is put on the partner, that might result in an affair or thinking about breaking up, which only serves to create more distance between the two.”

If the couple is still having sex at this point, it may not be as satisfying as it once was.

Other responsibilities can exacerbate emotional distance.

While a lack of communication can cause fissures that lead to emotional distance, other factors also contribute.

“Most of the couples I’ve encountered who complain about not having sex as often or at all seem to be couples that have gotten distracted by other consuming demands, like parenting, career, and illness, both mental and physical,” says Natalie Jimenez, EdS, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “The distraction, which may start gradually, grows more pervasive if not addressed in time and leads to emotional and physical disconnect, making it more difficult to become sexual.”

This is especially true for women, who tend to need an emotional connection to be sexual, Jimenez explains.

Clear communication can help you recover.

Just because you’re feeling disconnected in the bedroom now doesn’t mean you will forever.

“The best advice would be for the couple to speak about it openly,” says Tzall. “Some may see that as making the matter worse, but only through bringing it into the light, can it be examined and properly addressed.”

If discussing the issue makes you nervous, enlist the help of a couples counselor. “The couple will learn how to listen and speak to one another in an intentional manner without reacting or taking comments or behavior personally,” says Tzall. “When communication is poor between the couple, it is usually not for lack of quantity as much as quality. This means that both partners are not hearing the emotional subtext and desires and changes in their needs.”

By learning how to get on the same page, you’ll improve your communication now and throughout your relationship. That way, you can respond to issues—such as a lull in the bedroom—effectively and respectfully.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Outercourse the Same Thing as Abstinence?

— And 5 Other Questions, Answered

By Maisha Johnson

What is it?

Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.

For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.

Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.

Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.

Is it the same thing as abstinence?

It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.

Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.

For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.

If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.

What counts as outercourse?

Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.

Outercourse might include any of the following:

Kissing

Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.

Massage

Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.

Dry humping

That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.

Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)

Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.

Sex toys (in some definitions)

There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.

For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.

Manual stimulation (in some definitions)

You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.

Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.

Oral sex (in some definitions)

Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.

Anal sex (in some definitions)

Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.

Is pregnancy possible?

No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.

It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.

Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.

Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.

Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.

If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.

Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.

Are STIs possible?

Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.

Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.

For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.

Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.

To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.

What’s the point?

Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?

Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.

Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.

Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:

  • You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
  • One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
  • You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
  • You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
  • One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
  • You want to understand your own body more.
  • You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
  • You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
  • You want to mix things up and try something sexual that’s not intercourse.
  • You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.

The bottom line

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.

But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.

Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.

Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Important Is Sex In Relationships?

— 9 Things To Consider

by Kelly Gonsalves

With how much sex is talked about in pop culture, online relationship columns, and over drinks between close friends, it raises the question: Just how important is sex in a relationship?

The question may feel all the more pressing if you, yourself, are in a relationship where the sex isn’t quite where you or your partner want it to be. Or perhaps you’re just wondering about it as someone who personally loves sex—or someone who is personally pretty uninterested in it.

We reached out to sex therapists to get to the bottom of the question—which, as it turns out, is pretty complex to answer.

How important is sex in relationships?

“Sex is as important to a relationship as it is to the people in it,” says licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

That is, how important sex is to a relationship varies depending on the individual. Sex matters a lot to some people and some couples, and it’s less important or not important at all to some people and some couples.

Not every relationship requires an active sex life. “There are perfectly happy and healthy couples who don’t have sex, and this isn’t a problem as long as both are truly happy and OK with this,” adds Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor.

Now, if at least one person in the relationship does want sex, that’s when it becomes important for partners to work on creating a mutually satisfying sex life. Much research has found a link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, so it’s important for both people to feel good about the state of their sex life and to address any issues that come up.

“Those problems can create negative feelings, distance between the partners, and damage to the strength of the relationship,” Zimmerman explains.

She adds that problems in the bedroom have a tendency to impact how people view their relationship as a whole, too. “When sex is working well for a couple, it feels like it’s about 20% of what makes their relationship great. It’s important, and it’s a factor in their happiness, but it’s in proportion to all the other things in their life,” she explains. “But when it isn’t working, it can feel like it’s 80% of their life together. It can overshadow the other parts that may be working really well. So sex becomes more important as it goes badly.”

Summary:

Sex isn’t important to all relationships, and couples can have happy and healthy relationships without sex. That said, in those relationships where it is important to one or both partners, issues in a couple’s sex life can be tied to (or even create) issues in the relationship as a whole.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Your Partner A Man-Child?

— No Wonder You Don’t Feel Like Sex

The man-child phenomenon is a real thing. And scientists have studied it.

By and

A man sits on the couch, watching TV. His partner, a woman, prepares dinner, while mentally ticking off her to-do list. That includes returning her partner’s shirts she’d ordered online for him last week, and booking a GP appointment for their youngest child.

He walks in and asks her “what’s for dinner?”, then goes back to the TV.

Later that night, he’s surprised she’s not interested in sex.

The people in this scenario are a woman and a man. But it could be a woman and her child. The dynamics are very similar – one person providing instrumental and emotional care, and the other receiving that care while showing little acknowledgement, gratitude or reciprocation.

You’re reading about a man who depends on his partner for everyday tasks that he is actually capable of. Some people call this the “man-child” phenomenon.

Maybe you’ve lived it. Our research shows it’s real.

The man-child is real

The man-child phenomenon (or perceiving a partner as dependent, as we call it) describes the blurring of roles between a partner and a child.

You may hear women describe their male partners as their “dependent” or one of their children.

When a partner starts to feel like they have a dependent child, it’s not surprising if that affects a woman’s sexual desire for him.

We set out to explore whether this might explain why many women partnered with men report low sexual desire.

Surprisingly, until our study, there were no studies that had tried to directly measure the impact of the man-child phenomenon on women’s sexual desire.

What we did

We conducted two studies with more than 1,000 women from around the world, in relationships with men. All our participants had children under the age of 12.

We asked the women to rate their agreement with statements like, “Sometimes I feel as though my partner is like an extra child I need to look after.” We also asked them about the division of household labour in their relationship, and their level of sexual desire for their partner.

We found consistent evidence that:

  • when women performed more household labour than their partner, they were more likely to perceive their partner as dependents (that is, the man-child phenomenon)
  • perceiving a partner as a dependent was associated with lower sexual desire for that partner.

When taken together, you could say women’s partners were taking on an unsexy role – that of a child.

There could be other explanations. For instance, women who perceive their partners as dependents may be more likely to do more around the house. Alternatively, low desire for a partner may lead to the partner being perceived as a dependent. So we need more research to confirm.

Our research highlights a pretty bleak snapshot of what people’s relationships can involve. And while the man-child phenomenon may not exist for you, it reflects broader gendered inequities in relationships.

Is there a man-child equivalent in same-sex relationships?

Our research was solely about relationships between women and men, with children. But it would be interesting to explore if the man-child phenomenon exists in same-sex or gender-diverse relationships, and what the impact might be on sexual desire.

One possibility is that, in relationships between two women, men, or non-binary people, household labour is more equitably negotiated. As a result, the mother-child dynamic may be less likely to emerge. But no-one has studied that yet.

Man wiping dishes while looking after two young children
In relationships between men, household labour may be more evenly split.

Another possibility is that one person in the relationship (regardless of gender identity) takes on a more feminine role. This may include more of the mothering, nurturing labour than their partner(s). If that was the case, we might see the man-child phenomenon in a broader range of relationships. Again, no-one has studied this.

Perhaps, anyone could be the “man-child” in their relationship.

What else don’t we know?

Such future research may help explore different types of relationship dynamics more broadly.

This may help us understand what sexual desire might look like in relationships where roles are equitably negotiated, chosen, and renegotiated as needed.

We might learn what happens when household labour is valued like paid labour. Or what happens when both partners support each other and can count on each other for daily and life needs.

Women might be less likely to experience their partners as dependents and feel more sexual desire for them. In other words, the closer we are to equity in actively caring for each other, the closer we might be to equity in the capacity for feeling sexual desire with our partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 reasons why you could have performance anxiety during sex

— And how to overcome it

Performance anxiety during sex can be related to physical fears, emotional fears, or a combination.

By Willa Hart

  • Feeling anxious during sex is incredibly common and valid.
  • This can be a result of poor body image, a hyperfocus on your partner, or prior bad experiences.
  • Fortunately, this anxiety can often be overcome through mindfulness, movement, or therapy.

When you think of performance anxiety, you might think of tests or talent shows, but this fear is also common during sex. In fact, up to 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety manifests during sexual encounters as a worry about what your partner will think of your performance. For example, people may be afraid of not getting an erection or experiencing lubrication, says Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and the founder of sex therapy practice Embrace Sexual Wellness.

But other anxieties, like worrying how your body appears to your partner, can be part of performance anxiety, too.

If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, here’s some things that could be causing it, as well as some information on how it can be treated.

1. Poor body image

Not feeling great about your body can make it hard to have a great time during sex, says Lena Elkhatib, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Essential Therapy.

After all, being naked and vulnerable with someone is hard even when you feel great about how you look.

Moreover, if you’re preoccupied with what you look like, you’re probably not focused on the sensations of sex. “It really takes us out of the experience of, what are the feelings in my body, which is what we want to be focused on,” says Rachel Zar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who practices at Spark Chicago Therapy.

As a result, it might take you a longer time to orgasm – which might make you even more self-conscious, fueling performance anxiety.

How to overcome it: Working towards body acceptance is a difficult, but empowering way to reconnect with your body. In practice, this can look like:

  • Re-evaluating your relationship with food and movement: Societal bias and weight stigma has taught us to demonize food and overly celebrate exercise. Neutralizing or accepting your relationship with food and movement can help you to be kinder to yourself and celebrate all that your body does for you each day. 
  • Incorporating joyful movement: We often associate the word “movement” with exercise, but fun movements like dancing, walking, or even cleaning can encourage more positive feelings about your body.
  • Visit a boudoir photographer: Taking photos of your body that you feel good about can encourage you to channel that version of your body image in the bedroom. 

2. Feeling disconnected from your partner

Sometimes, you might feel distant from a sexual partner because you don’t know them very well. But even if you’re having sex with a long-term significant other, you could feel disconnected if you’ve recently had an argument or spent some time apart.

This disconnection could make your mind wander during sex, giving anxiety a space to creep in, Zar says. Moreover, if you’re feeling distant from your partner(s), your brain is more likely to kick into “performance mode,” triggering performance anxiety.

“Sometimes, you need some time to reconnect to a partner before you’re able to reconnect sexually,” Zar says. “After all, sex is a really vulnerable thing to do with someone.”

How to overcome it: The best thing to do is talk to your partner about what’s bothering you, Zar says. 

She also recommends focusing on foreplay – not just in bed, but also in the hours or days leading up to sex. That might include touching or kissing each other throughout the day, or cuddling on the couch.

Foreplay gives you an opportunity to reconnect with your partner without rushing straight into sex, and it promotes intimacy.

3. Negative beliefs or shame about sex

One of the most common causes of performance anxiety is negative beliefs about sex, Elkhatib says. For instance, if you were taught as a kid that sex is bad or dirty, you might feel ashamed about engaging in sexual behaviors.

This shame, in turn, might make you worry about how your partner(s) perceive you or feel about your sexual encounters.

“Shame is not a sexy feeling,” Zar says. “If you think that something you’re doing is shameful, you may be easily embarrassed by it or monitor your actions or responses.”

How to overcome it: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional is one key way to dismantle sexual shame.

In particular, a therapist can work to help you understand what messages have led you to feel ashamed about your sexuality, Elkhatib says. You can then start to replace those narratives with more sex-positive thoughts.

Sex positive literature can help correct negative sexual beliefs. If your negative thoughts stem from a religious background, you can usually find books that can be helpful. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagiski could be helpful to everyone.

4. Focusing too much on you partner during sex

We tend to think that being tuned in to our partners’ desires during sex is a good thing, but if you focus on your partner(s) to the detriment of your own pleasure, it can cause performance anxiety.

For instance, if you’re super dialed in to your partner(s), you may notice if they sigh or glance away from you – potentially meaningless signs that may make you worry they’re not enjoying themselves.

Focusing too much on your partner can also be tied into messaging we’ve been taught about sex, Elkhatib says.

For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were told sex is a duty you must perform to please your partner(s), that could lead you to solely focus on your partner’s pleasure during sex – and it could incite performance anxiety as you worry what might happen if you don’t satisfy them.

How to overcome it: Treating this kind of performance anxiety is all about learning to focus on yourself. That might include exercises like masturbating to relearn what feels good in your body or practicing having sex with your partner where you’re the center of attention. 

For instance, Elkhatib says you might have sex with your partner(s) where you’re not allowed to give pleasure to them: they’re only allowed to pleasure you.

If past lessons about sex have contributed to your desire to focus on a partner, then examining the source of those beliefs can be helpful too, Elkhatib says.

Focusing on other forms of bodily pleasure that aren’t sex can also shift your focus: Such as how you eat your food, shower, listen to music, or move during walks.

Mindfulness training is a great way to defeat performance anxiety, Zar says. In mindfulness training, you focus on how your body feels instead of focusing on your anxiety. This can help bring you back into your body so you can enjoy sex more.

Mindfulness can be hard at first, but you can practice it in non-sexual situations, such as at the gym or nail salon, before applying the technique in the bedroom, says Zar.

5. Physical hurdles

If something has changed in your life so that you’re not functioning sexually in the way that you used to, that can cause performance anxiety, Zar says. 

For example, if you’re no longer able to consistently achieve an erection – something that happens to many men as they age – you may develop anxiety, wondering if you’ll be able to perform as you’d like to the next time you have sex.

This may also happen if you experience

  • A lack of ability to orgasm because of taking medications like antidepressants
  • An injury or condition that impacts your sex organs
  • Other physical health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes, that can impact erectile and orgasmic functioning

How to overcome it: Depending on the cause of the changes, you may be able to work with a primary care physician or a psychiatrist to manage your symptoms, says Litner. For instance, antidepressants can often affect your libido or ability to achieve orgasm. Your psychiatrist may be able to reduce your dosage or change your meds to alleviate these symptoms.

Even if the physical changes don’t abate, you can still manage your performance anxiety by changing how you approach sexual encounters. Litner suggests shifting from a performance-based mindset, which relies on a specific outcome being achieved, to a pleasure-based mindset, in which it’s the enjoyment of yourself and your partner that matters. Studies have shown that mindfulness training can help with this.

Working with a sex therapist that’s specifically focused on people with disabilities can also be helpful. Sex therapists can validate the different, yet equally important challenges that folks with disabilities face when it comes to sex.

6. Past negative experience with a partner

If someone has negatively commented on your sexual performance in the past, that can make you anxious about future sexual encounters.

“A lot of times we see this show up if somebody says something that is more of a rigid comment,” Litner says. “‘How come you’re not hard?’ or, ‘How come you’re not having an orgasm?'”

Even small comments made by well-meaning partners can cause performance anxiety, Litner says.

How to overcome it: Treatment will depend on the severity of the past negative experience, Litner says. If the experience was traumatic or took place during a formative period in someone’s life, trauma-based therapies can be effective. In other cases, psychotherapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative-based therapy can be used.

Insider’s takeaway

Performance anxiety during sex is very common, and can be caused by poor body image, feeling disconnected from your partner(s), or changes in your sexual functioning. Treatment for performance anxiety depends on what is causing it, but a combination of therapy and mindfulness exercises are often effective.

Remember, even if you’re never able to totally eliminate your anxiety around sex, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. “Intimacy does not mean sex, and sex doesn’t mean intercourse,” Elkhatib says. “The more that people can broaden their library of intimacy… the less pressure there will be to look and feel a certain way.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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17 Intimacy Questions to Ask Your Partner

— Research finds that having these conversations guarantees a deeper connection

by Sarah Finley

When you’re in a relationship and life takes over — bills, children, and managing diaries — it’s hard to make time for each other and most importantly build on your intimacy. But making time for each other and getting to know each other better will help to build a happier future in which you grow together, rather than apart.

One way of doing this is finding the time to sit down together and ask each other intimate questions. Studies show that self-disclosure and open communication help build emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, which is especially important for relationship satisfaction.

But the level of intimacy you feel in a relationship ebbs and flows over time. It’s normal to occasionally grow distant from your partner, that’s why it’s crucial to prioritize your relationship to stay connected and curious.

Not sure what intimate questions to ask your partner? Finding the best relationship questions for couples can be tough, especially when you feel like you know them already. So here are 17 relationship questions scientifically proven to build intimacy and the research behind why they’re worth asking.

You don’t have to ask your partner all these questions (you can pick and choose the ones that resonate with you the most) and the answers aren’t what matters. The point is to spark a conversation, get to know one another on a deeper level, and focus on actively listening to your partner.

Ready to connect with your partner everyday?

Which do you prefer, kissing or hugging? Why?

We’re all different, but choices over physical intimacy can shape how we feel in relationships.

A study by Brigham Young University found that men and women usually prefer different forms of physical touch. According to the research findings, men prefer kisses or backrubs, while women like to be hugged.

What’s my best habit?

Instead of focussing on habits that annoy one another, this question looks at the positive habits we bring to a relationship. Appreciating each other’s strengths, one study found, meant more satisfying relationships and sex lives.

When did you last cry, and what was it about?

Being vulnerable in front of your partner or sharing a vulnerable moment is a great way to bond with your partner. Try to think back to the last moment you cried (beyond the last movie you blubbed in) and explore where that sadness came from.

What are the most important things on your bucket list?

Bucket list goals like completing a marathon or climbing a mountain sometimes feel completely out of reach, but by sharing the most important things you’d like to achieve with a partner it becomes a shared goal.

Studies have shown that shared goals give you both something to work towards and make both of you feel like you’ve achieved it. Working towards shared goals as a couple — as well as perceived partner support for individual goals — were both related to increased happiness in relationships.

What is the funniest thing that’s happened to you?

Humor is important in relationships, so the ability to share your hilarious or embarrassing moments (and be able to laugh about them) is paramount.

In fact, research shows that those in longer relationships tend to share a similar sense of humor, and couples who can laugh together reported high relationship satisfaction.

Is there anything you don’t feel comfortable joking about?

Setting your own boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries, whether they’re emotional or physical, is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.

In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab writes that boundaries are “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships”. Everyone has different boundaries, so it’s vital to openly communicate each other’s needs in a relationship in order to safeguard them.

What have you learned from past relationships that has helped you in your current relationship?

Sometimes it’s not wise to talk about past relationships, as it could make your partner feel jealous or inferior.

However, researchers Michele Berk and Susan Andersen found that participants who felt positively about a previous partner would view others with similar qualities more favorably, than those who spoke about negative aspects.

What’s one thing your best friend has taught you about relationships?

Ever wanted to be a fly on the wall when your partner has a night out with friends? Dr. John Gottman believes that a strong predictor of relationship stability is how much partners know about each other’s “inner worlds”. This knowledge helps them to remain connected in stressful times, rather than becoming strangers to each other.

What hobbies or activities do you wish you had more time for together?

If you’ve ever imagined donning matching golfing attire, then now is the time. Psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron found that starting a new hobby or activity as a couple, allows your relationship to grow and become more satisfying. Especially when you win at a couple’s game!

What would the perfect day look like for you?

Do you plan a day with all your favorite things and then wonder why your partner looks miserable?

Research from the University of Virginia shows that couples who devote time to one another at least once a week are likely to enjoy higher-quality relationships and lower divorce rates.

Is there a memory of your childhood that you love the most?

Finding out more about your partner’s past can connect you in ways that just looking at your present-day lives can’t.

Sharing good and bad memories of your childhood will help you see why your partner has become the person they are today, and better understand each other’s approach to romantic relationships.

What’s the hardest truth about love you’ve had to accept?

Unfortunately, real-life love isn’t like fairy tales or romcoms (much to most of our disappointments). But once we start to align our expectations of love, we can move forward.

Dr. Terri Orbuch found that partners who can identify each other’s personal expectations experience greater happiness and less frustration in their relationship.

How does your partner inspire you?

Do they work all hours to live out their dream? Do they make you want to be a better parent? Researchers at George Mason University found that the more we idealize our partners, the more satisfied we are — and in return, our partners will often work to meet that ideal too.

If you only had a month left to live, what would you do?

This question gives you the chance to open up and talk about your hopes and dreams for the future, which has been shown to help couples bond. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that a lot of conflict and resentment in relationships come back to unfulfilled dreams.

What area of our relationship would you like to improve?

It’s not easy to be open about areas of your relationship you may want to improve, but communicating how you can grow together is a positive move. In Kaplan and Maddux’s research on married couples, they found that couples who pursued goals together had more marital satisfaction.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

Money issues are one of the biggest things that couples argue about, so knowing you and your partner are on the same page can bring some relief.

Researchers at the University of Michigan found that the happiest couples tend to spend money in a similar way, whether that’s saving or indulging.

Do you ever feel distracted during sex? What by?

Try and discuss this question with your partner without judgment — we all have daily stresses that get in the way of sexual desire. According to researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, one way to concentrate during sex is “sensate focusing”. This is a technique where people focus on touching and being touched, taking information in through the senses while avoiding judgmental thinking. The goal is to be present and to experience sex in the moment.

If you’re looking for more questions to bond with your partner, Paired offers daily questions rooted in research to strengthen your relationship and improve communication.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Solo Sex Hurting Your Relationship?

By Danielle Page

So you’ve got a steady partner—and they are great. But sometimes, you’ve just got to *ahem* take care of yourself. Is this normal?

Or maybe you’ve walked in on said great partner doing the same thing. That can feel awkward at best and like a betrayal at worst. But is it actually cause for concern?

According to experts, yes and no, respectively. While talking about masturbation with your S.O. may be more uncomfortable than that last set of burpees, there’s no reason for the topic to be taboo. In fact, relationship pros say solo-time can help make sex with your partner even better.

Common misconceptions about masturbation

Just because you’re coupled up doesn’t mean your partner suddenly becomes solely responsible for your orgasms (or vice versa). “From a physiological and psychological perspective, moderate masturbation is completely normal and should be viewed as a relational enhancement,” explains John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand.

“Unfortunately, rather than being seen as the gift that it is, masturbation has been hijacked by individuals and institutions who feel the need to control other human beings,” he says. That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.

That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.

And the benefits of masturbation go beyond sexual satisfaction. “Masturbation improves self-confidence, reduces stress, and helps you sleep better,” explains sexologist Emily Morse, creator and host of the podcast Sex With Emily. “These widespread benefits are largely unknown, so we often can’t understand why our partners would need to please themselves without us.”

Bottom line: If you or your partner like to experience pleasure on your own from time to time, it’s not because of something the other partner is—or isn’t—doing. “We often interpret their solo routine to mean that we don’t satisfy them,” says Morse. “Which means they must not be attracted to us anymore.” Not true.

When does going it solo become an issue?

While masturbation is a positive thing in so many ways, it can be an issue if it starts to come between you and your boo. “If masturbation is replacing connecting physically with your partner, then it could negatively impact the relationship,” says psychologist Rachel Needle, PsyD. “In addition, if someone is getting used to an idiosyncratic style of masturbation that is hard to be replicated by a partner, it could impact partnered sexual activities.” If this sounds familiar, it’s not a bad idea to incorporate a toy that’ll be fun for both of you—like a couples vibrator.

It’s also important to be mindful of your masturbation frequency. “If you find yourself too dependent on porn or masturbation to get off, it may cause you to be unable to get aroused by your partner,” says Morse. “If a person starts to escalate the amount of time or the graphic nature of the content, it can desensitize them to healthy intimacy with their partner.”

How to make room for masturbation in your relationship the *healthy* way

At its best, masturbation in a relationship keeps both partners primed for satisfying sex with each other. “Sex is something we need to practice,” says Dr. Mayer. “Masturbation shouldn’t take the place of sex with your partner—it should be viewed as practice for the big game.”

And people who masturbate on the reg actually have “higher levels of sexual satisfaction,” Morse adds. “The more you reinforce the benefits of masturbation as a couple and as an [individual], while continuing to communicate about your sex life, the better sex you’ll have.”

If your or your partner feels insecure because of the other’s masturbation habits—and trust, this happens to the best of us—Morse recommends talking it through. “Reassure them that your masturbation routine has nothing to do with your feelings for your partner, or your sexual satisfaction,” she says. “The more that you encourage the talk about your individual self-love practices in an open and honest way without judgment or shame, the better it will be for your relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!