published a paper in Sexual Medicine on the first in-depth study investigating epididymal hypertension—a sometimes uncomfortable state of engorged genitals that is commonly known as “blue balls.”Previous research on this acute condition is practically nonexistent. To investigate whether blue balls are a real phenomenon and, if so, how they affect sexual behavior, Pukall and her colleagues at Queen’s University in Ontario teamed up with journalists at Science Vs to solicit survey responses from people with a penis and people with a vagina—2,621 in all. Among the takeaways: testicles are not a prerequisite for what Pukall prefers to call “throbbing crotch syndrome.” Scientific American talked with Pukall about the pervasive myth that arousal without orgasm is dangerous and why people still use it to pressure a partner into having sex.[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]
Why is excess blood in the genitals potentially uncomfortable?
There’s a whole bunch of things that go on in the process of being turned on sexually. One of the main body-related phenomena that occurs is something called engorgement, where blood rushes to those erogenous zones. That will be responsible for things such as clitoral enlargement and penile erection.
Orgasm is almost like a quick-release valve for all of these body-related processes to come back to the regular resting state, when genitals return to their normal size and blood stops pooling in those erogenous areas. But let’s say there’s a lot of foreplay happening. It’s more like a very slow release valve where there’s no explosion to let those processes come back to that nonaroused state.
Are blue balls a legitimate phenomenon?
Yes, absolutely. Now, what does it mean to have blue balls? It could range from feeling a bit uncomfortable to feeling frustrated that this arousal response hasn’t been completed. It could be throbbing, it could be achy, but in terms of intense pain or frequent pain, that is exceptionally rare. Is it something that requires immediate medical attention? No. But the experience of that pain is absolutely real. Anyone who has genitals and is capable, physically, of that physiological sexual response can experience this ache. [This study] legitimizes this condition for all people, whether it’s blue balls or blue vulva or blue genitals. I’ve started to call it “throbbing crotch syndrome.”
Throbbing crotch syndrome is a much better name. Do the testicles and the vulva actually turn blue?
[In our study], some people reported that their genitals do take on a slightly blue tinge. But we couldn’t find any papers showing that this phenomenon leads to a bluish tinge in the genitals. There’s [no research] out there that gives solid proof that there is hypertension in the scrotal area or in the genitals. Everything that we could find around how it occurs are just ideas. There is only a survey of college students from the 1950s and a case study of a 14-year-old from 2001.
Were you surprised that 40 percent of people with a vulva reported that they experience throbbing crotch syndrome?
I was actually expecting quite a high number simply because I don’t see it as the domain of the frat boys and of people with a penis. If you think about the way the process works, it doesn’t matter what your accoutrements are. It’s not like the blood flow knows that it is going into the scrotal area. Or if no scrotal area exists, it’s not like the blood flow is going to be acting, well, nicer.
Were you expecting severe pain levels to be low—less than 7 percent in people with a penis?
I actually expected [the level of severe pain] to be higher. I’ve worked in genital pelvic pain, so I’m used to always validating [people’s experiences]. This is an acute pain condition that is typically easily resolvable, relatively infrequent and mild. It isn’t on the radar of medical professionals simply because it isn’t dangerous in any way. If the pain is chronic and extremely distressing, that’s when you need to see a medical professional to get some tests done and to have a thorough assessment. In all likelihood, something else is going on.
Scientists have been studying pain for centuries, yet this survey was the first serious inquiry into blue balls. Considering society’s love affair with penises, why do you think this topic has been overlooked?
It’s interesting, right? Usually pain related to penises is taken super seriously, whereas pain related to vulvas or other sorts of configurations of genitals is not. I was really stumped. But I think one explanation could be the narrative that blue balls happens mainly to younger men who are sexually frustrated, so it’s kind of treated like a joke and almost like a rite of passage.
It sounds like scientists haven’t studied it because it isn’t a big deal medically. Yet more than 40 percent of the survey respondents with a vagina said that they’ve felt pressured to “engage sexually due to a partner’s fear of getting blue balls/vulva.”
Yes, as did some people [3.7 percent] with a penis. In our qualitative analysis, we included a section where respondents could add comments, and many people wrote that blue balls shouldn’t be used as an excuse to sexually coerce somebody. This was one of the most prominent themes that came up in our analyses: even though people know that it shouldn’t be used as an excuse, it’s still happening.
The good news is that there are many ways for a person to resolve their uncomfortable sensations. We found from the study that you can wait it out, do distracting activities, exercise or masturbate. These are all things that don’t implicate a partner. It’s important to have masturbation as an option, but I think people are just so uncomfortable with the idea of it. Automatically, it’s like, “Oh, someone else needs to take care of this for me.” No way. You’ve got to take the problem in your own hands.
Why do you think the myth that blue balls is dangerous is so pervasive?
I think it has a lot to do with gendered scripts that people have internalized. In many cases, there’s this emphasis placed on penile pleasure in sexual situations—the patriarchy inside the bedroom. Men are seen as the sexual go-getters and as proactive; women are seen as the gatekeepers to sex and more passive. This sexual script places a huge emphasis on the performance of men and their penis. Cisgender women who are having sexual activity with cisgender men tend not to benefit from this at all. This [dynamic] is also manifested in something called the orgasm gap: men are reporting lots and lots of orgasms, whereas women who are having sex with men report the lowest frequencies of orgasm.
How does an undue focus on orgasm contribute to the pressure to engage sexually that many respondents reported feeling?
Some people really feel that they’re not having real sex unless they have an orgasm, that they are entitled to it. People talk about “achieving” orgasm, right? It sounds like you’re hiking to the top of Kilimanjaro or something. [Orgasm] is wonderful! It’s like icing on the cake! But you don’t have to have the icing on the cake because the cake itself is delicious.
We want to ensure that people have the knowledge to say no—to feel confident in their rejection of continuing an activity if it’s not something they truly want.
Are you going to do more research on throbbing crotch syndrome?
We are planning a more in-depth study where we will take more into account the genders of people’s sexual partners. [In the recent study] we only talked about bodies. We also want to take a look at the context: Are there differences [in the frequency or intensity of the phenomenon] if it’s more of a casual encounter versus an encounter with a committed partner?
It would be cool to do research on how [throbbing crotch syndrome] happens and if there are ways we can prevent it. I have some pretty cool devices in my lab, but I don’t know if it would fly with my ethics board to have people come in and masturbate to almost orgasm and then, like, scan their genitals.
Some people say that when you’re in a healthy relationship, everything just comes easy. Others will say that’s not exactly true — the best long-term relationships require a lot of hard work, dedication and determination.
While we can certainly all agree that no one relationship is perfect and that every relationship comes with its own set of unique challenges, it’s perhaps true that a healthy relationship takes all of these things combined with people who love, respect and support each other.
But how do you know if you can really trust that it’s true? When can you let your guard down and feel assured that your relationship is, in fact, healthy and headed for long-term territory? The psychology of love may be a bit complex, but it doesn’t have to be a brain-buster.
Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, has some tell-tale signs that you’re in it for the long haul, as well as some checks and balances you can do along the way to reassure this relationship is healthy and right for you.
What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship at its core is centered around:
Empathy and kindness.
Reliability and commitment.
Mutual respect for boundaries.
The ability to work together as a team.
Similar values and goals.
Having similar values and goals is perhaps the turning point for most relationships, as they fundamentally fuel almost everything else that you do.
Everyone’s needs ebb and flow, based on personal experiences. For example, it might be important for someone to have a partner who’s interested in volunteering and community service, whereas in other relationships that might not be as crucial. For the person who comes from a tight-knit family and prioritizes family gatherings around the holidays, they might be faced with some difficulty dating someone who disregards the importance of family.
“There are so many things that can go into a healthy relationship and some things are so personal to each of us,” notes Duke. “The point is that there’s a reasonable amount of reliability and that you both feel as though the other person is going to prioritize you and be true to their word every step of the way.”
The unfortunate issue is that everyone doesn’t always know they’re in a healthy relationship. That’s especially true if you’ve been caught up in problematic relationships in the past and if you’ve had a hard time recognizing red flags in one.
“Relationships can sometimes feel familiar, comfortable or better than other relationships you’ve had but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy,” states Duke. “If we have a history of problematic relationships or we don’t have a secure attachment formed in childhood, we can end up moving toward what’s familiar even though it’s not healthy. And that’s where you have to be careful.”
That requires a certain level of self-reflection before starting a new relationship. But even when you’ve been dating someone for a while, the healthiest relationships keep the door open for self-reflection, build off the mistakes you’ve each learned in the past and allow everyone to confront conflict together in a safe, constructive and helpful way.
“There are going to be times in every relationship that are going to be hard, but I think it’s how you deal with it that matters,” encourages Duke. “People in a healthy relationship should put each other at ease, have a willingness to work and grow together and be respectful of each other.”
Signs you have a healthy relationship
It’s easy to get swept up off your feet in all the twists and turns a new relationship has to offer, but once you begin building a solid foundation, these key signs reinforce a long-lasting healthy relationship:
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. — you both know what it means to each other
Setting up healthy boundaries isn’t always about drawing a line in the sand when things go south. Boundaries are good to put into place when we know crossing them would violate our mental, emotional and physical health or values. But they’re also good for establishing a level of respect for each other and for understanding the things you both feel are important.
“In a healthy relationship, you’re making space for each other, you’re making space for each other’s emotions, and making space to nurture and cultivate other aspects of each other’s lives,” Duke explains. “It’s also about being aware of your own personal boundaries.”
So, if your partner isn’t too keen on one of your friends, but that relationship is still important to you, it’s a good sign if your partner doesn’t try to prevent you from seeing them or isolate you from your friend group.
Healthy boundaries also exist in an intimate or sexual space, too. No one should ever feel pressured or ashamed when interacting with each other inside that space.
2. You trust one another and that trust is earned
“If you’ve worked through your relationship baggage and you’ve worked through your blind spots, hopefully, you come to a new relationship feeling more neutral about trusting someone else,” says Duke. “From there, you either come to trust this new person more and more over time, or you come to not trust them over time.”
And trust extends from the seemingly smallest things, like trusting someone with your emotions or allowing yourself to be vulnerable around them, as well as with making some big life decisions — like where to live and what you want your future family to look like — that will (hopefully) take you both into consideration and benefit all involved.
Long after the honeymoon phase has ended, a sign of a healthy relationship is knowing that you can rely on your partner without second guessing whether or not you can trust them. And there’s no real replacement for time when it comes to trust.
3. When the going gets tough, you find a way to communicate
“It’s kind of easy to have a relationship during the good times, but what really makes a relationship or bonds you as a couple is going through hard times together,” Duke says.
That means you want to find ways to express how you’re feeling, practice active listening when your partner is doing the same and work together to find solutions — even when you’re arguing.
“You don’t always have to see each other eye-to-eye, but you can always be both good and kind to each other and can always seek to understand the other person,” emphasizes Duke. “That’s what’s going to differentiate this relationship from another relationship that may not have a healthy longevity.”
4. You agree to disagree
In most cases, when there’s a conflict, you want to feel heard and understood and you want to come out of it feeling like the solution is a win-win for both of you, so there isn’t any lingering resentment from either side. But, going back to trust, it’s also good to disagree sometimes.
“If you can get through difficulties together, that builds trust, and the more you build that trust together, the stronger you become,” notes Duke.
So, even when you disagree about a problem or a solution, or even something mundane that happens during your day-to-day, finding a way to compromise is key.
5. You can also forgive each other
“If someone hasn’t had a positive or secure attachment in their childhood, they can end up holding grudges and find it difficult to forgive people,” explains Duke. “But there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, and forgiveness is often a sign of love.”
If you have difficulty letting go or moving beyond problems that surface, or if you have a hard time with forgiveness, cognitive behavioral therapy can help identify some of the triggers that reinforce that behavior, as well as provide coping mechanisms you can try when conflict inevitably happens again down the line.
6. You’re both committed to the relationship
Perhaps one of the most common complaints in relationships is that someone is making more effort than the other. No one likes a one-sided relationship — but how do you find a way to balance everything equally, or at least be comfortable with what everyone is giving toward the relationship?
“You can always do some reality testing,” suggests Duke. “The best way to do that is to ask yourself, ‘Is this real? Is this true? Is it accurate that I’m holding more weight than the other person?’ And another way to test it is to bring your concerns to the person and talk about it and see if they’re going to put in more effort if you need them to or if nothing’s going to change.”
However it shakes out, a healthy relationship will likely ebb and flow, with one partner making up the slack for when another person can’t, and vice-versa.
7. You’re kind to each other
This certainly feels like a no-brainer, but we probably don’t think of this one as often as we should. What exactly does kindness look like in a healthy relationship?
“Kindness looks like feeling as though you’re safe, supported and a priority to the other person,” Duke illustrates. “It looks like apologizing when you’ve made a mistake. It means active listening, as much as possible, to your partner.”
That means at every turn, it’s OK to check in with yourself and curb your anger or expectations in order to make space for a level of kindness that’s rooted in mutual respect. It’s not always going to work or even be a perfect solution, but having the intention to always be kind as much as possible is a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.
“If you’ve known someone for a long time, you’re not going to be perfectly kind all the time, but I think there should be a certain amount of mutual respect and empathy toward each other, even when you’re not having a good day,” Duke continues.
8. You enjoy each other’s company and support each other’s goals
Maybe your weekly after-work routine is composed of playing video games with each other or watching your favorite shows. For the most part, your mutual interests are aligned. But when your partner suddenly plans to run a marathon, which means they’ll have to carve out time for training, you’re still supportive of those goals and you flex your time and availability when needed.
The importance of doing things together and allowing and supporting each other’s personal growth in a healthy relationship is two-fold: It allows you both to share the things you love with each other, and it gives you the space to be supportive even when something doesn’t fully align with your own individual interests.
“There are some things that are more important to some people than others,” Duke recognizes. “For some people, it’s really important for their person to be a part of their friend group. For others, that’s not very important. So, you have to find ways to compromise with each other without feeling like it’s a struggle or a sacrifice.”
9. You’re good at making decisions together
You’re not going out and buying big household items without consulting your partner first, and you make the time for your partner’s input. Sure, this isn’t always a perfect scenario, and sometimes, we can get a bit ahead of ourselves, but like with kindness, you should view the person you’re in a relationship with as your partner — a true team member you can call in for anything good, bad or ugly.
10. You don’t dodge difficulty
Speaking of the ugly, you don’t want to avoid having difficult conversations in a healthy relationship. You want to confront issues head-on (and be kind when doing so) and find ways to express your feelings even when you know you have to talk about challenges that might put on the heat and increase the pressure.
“It’s always good to be intentional and self-reflective and to be thoughtful in a conflict,” advises Duke. “We don’t enter relationships, nor do we have to, having everything figured out because we will never have everything figured out. There does need to be a certain level of self-understanding for our relationships to be able to be healthy though, and we all have hot-button issues.”
Expressing those issues in a constructive way is paramount to making sure boundaries for everyone are put in place and respected. And finding ways to mediate conflict together can be helpful in the long run.
11. You’re comfortable in who you are and independent from your partner
“To be able to look back on previous relationships and friendships and reflect on what are the things that make you mad, what tends to hurt your feelings and what causes conflicts is really important,” says Duke.
“We can bring those things to the next relationship, and when something comes up, we can really own it and say, ‘This is an issue for me, let me help you understand why this is an issue for me,’ and work through it together.”
And this doesn’t just apply to conflict management — knowing who you are as an individual and chasing after your own personal goals and dreams are just as important because this allows you to embrace a self-love perspective that will only further enhance your relationship.
12. You’re comfortable with each other even when you’re not ‘on’
Let goblin mode commence: You don’t always have to be perfect in front of your partner, and that’s especially true in the healthiest of relationships. Part of this goes back to being kind to one another, but in a different way.
Kindness can extend to allowing you and your partner to let go of responsibility sometimes in exchange for personal development. You’ll find that when you let your guard down with one another, the healthiest of relationships allow for a different level of intimacy and understanding.
“In order to enjoy a healthy relationship, we need to be prepared to be vulnerable with one another,” says Duke. “Sometimes, this might mean sharing parts of ourselves that we feel insecure about in order to see if this relationship could have the makings of something special.”
Strategies for reassuring yourself
Self-doubt is a powerful opponent, but there are some checks and balances you can put into place to reassure you that you’re in a good place in your relationship or to define exactly what needs improving.
“One thing you can continue to check in with yourself about over time is whether or not your trust towards this person is growing,” says Duke. “Is there something you’re not getting that you need? Is there something you’re not doing that your partner needs?”
Having the occasional, even informal, discussion about how each of you is feeling in a relationship is a great tool to carry things forward, even if it’s early in a relationship. By doing so, you can make sure you’re both on the same page and working toward the same goals.
“If it’s on your mind, even if it’s something good, don’t be afraid to bring it up,” reinforces Duke. “We tend to not communicate as much as we need, and you can rarely over-communicate when it comes to how you’re feeling. Checking in with yourself and the other person to make sure you continue to have similar goals and similar values is as equally important as anything else.”
You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.
The sex simply wasn’t very good.
Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.
It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.
How is it possible?
Attitudes about sex over time
Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.
“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”
She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.
“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”
People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.
“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”
Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.
Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.
“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.
Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.
‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today
Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.
The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.
“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.
Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.
“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”
Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.
“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.
Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:
Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
Reduce stress, anxiety and depression
With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.
Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.
Talk dirty to me
Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.
For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.
“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.
“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”
If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.
Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.
The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.
“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”
Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.
“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.
5 books explore why we don’t have to tolerate ‘bad sex,’ and what it means to have loving connections with no sex at all
By Julie Kliegman
Sex therapist Ruth Westheimer once said, when asked about the possibility of a “sex recession”: “Here is an activity that is free, here … is an activity that makes people happy, and what’s the matter with all of you not to engage in it?” Like Dr. Ruth’s dozens of books, most literature on the topic presumes that sexual attraction and desire do, in fact, exist in everyone, that sex is therefore a critical part of everyone’s life, and that there must be something wrong with people who don’t have it. Self-help resources like “The Joy of Sex,” mountains of Cosmopolitan tips and even the work of popular queer writers like Dan Savage focus on how to parlay that attraction and desire into satisfying, meaningful sex. There is something of a Freudian quality at play: the pervasive idea that sex is a critical part of fostering intimacy and personal attachment.
But for many, that’s not reality. “It’s almost like there’s a slow-moving unorganized sex strike of people who can’t find good partners or don’t desire relationships and are just opting out instead,” one 28-year-old tells Maria Yagoda in “Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” (St. Martin’s, $27). Yagoda’s fresh book is the latest entry in a subgenre that seeks to illuminate whypeople may not be enjoying the sex they’re having or, in some cases, why they might be choosing not to have sex at all.
“Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” by Maria Yagoda
In “Laid and Confused,” Yagoda chronicles her quest to understand why she and Americans writ large have historically consented to unsatisfying sex. It excels as creative reportage, as Yagoda — who briefly quotes me in her book as a source on asexuality — gamely chats with sex therapists and sex toy creators alike. She keeps an open mind about improvement in her own life and offers tips to readers who may be in the same boat.
Editor and sex columnist Nona Willis Aronowitz explores similar themes in her 2022 book, “Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” (Plume, $28), a multigenerational memoir and manifesto that weaves together her own thoughts and feelings around sex and romance with those of her late mother, the feminist writer Ellen Willis. Specifically, Aronowitz recounts her marriage and divorce, including her reluctance to break up with her husband (in part) on the basis of what she considered bad sex.
“Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen
In “Ace,” Chen, an acquaintance of mine in ace — short for “asexual” — circles, dives into what life is like for people who do not experience sexual attraction, but also how asexuality can be used as a framework for reevaluating all types of platonic and romantic relationships, as well as one’s sense of self. In a particularly compelling chapter, she challenges the way most people, consciously or not, arrange their lives around a hierarchy in which romantic and sexual relationships, especially marriages, are valued above all else, emotionally and legally.
Asexuality (albeit often known by other names) is not a new orientation by any stretch — in fact, evidence of people’s lack of sexual attraction goes back centuries. But in the digital era, asexuality has gained more recognition, in part because of Julie Sondra Decker’s 2014 book, “The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality” (Skyhorse, $16.99, paperback). Chen, Brown, Costello and Kaszyca all build off Decker’s resource to present a more nuanced way of thinking about sex. The proliferation of these and similar books is also a long-overdue acknowledgment by the publishing world that topics related to asexuality and the deprioritization of sex will interest asexual and allosexual readers alike.
“Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” by Nona Willis Aronowitz
As Brown’s title, “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality,” indicates, questioning and ultimately casting aside “compulsory sexuality” is a huge theme of their work. The term is a riff on “compulsory heterosexuality,” the idea that societal norms force a politically constructed heterosexuality on everyone from birth — those who identify as straight and those who know they don’t fit that bill. “Asexuality exists as a refusal of compulsory sexuality, in defiance of cisheteropatriarchal mandates, and as an opportunity to deeply interrogate how sexual scripts connect with and inform conceptions of gender and race,” Brown writes. Their book pays particular attention to the way Black people are cast aside or maligned in conversations about (a)sexuality, and how the very idea of sexuality in the West is interlaced with anti-Blackness and white supremacy. Most public leaders of the asexual movement are White, but there’s room aplenty within the aspec lens (aspec is short for “asexual spectrum”) to broaden our understanding of who can be ace (anyone) and who in the community faces the most oppression (Black people, especially those who are gender-nonconforming).
As Costello and Kaszyca, creators of a podcast called “Sounds Fake but Okay,” write in their conversational book of the same name, the aspec lens is in part about “decentering the romantic-sexual relationship in our broader conversations about human connection.” It considers the flaws of putting romantic and sexual attraction at the top of our collective and personal hierarchies of needs, even at the expense of biological and chosen family, platonic friendships, and self-care. The aspec lens, Costello and Kaszyca warn, can make everything seem tinged with hopelessness, but it also offers a way to see our surroundings as they can be: beyond what was dictated in sex education classes, modeled by family members or portrayed in pop culture.
By questioning why we go through the motions of sex we don’t find rewarding, we can start to demystify the grip that compulsory sexuality has over our lives. Whether or not the readers who pick up these titles are asexual, there’s a lot to be learned about the merits of taking a step back from sex to reevaluate its place on a societal — and, in many cases, a personal — pedestal.
Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”
She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”
Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”
On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.
“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.
The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.
Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”
He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.
For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”
While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”
Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.
Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”
It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.
Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.
A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”
He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”
Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.
It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”
It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”
Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”
For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.
“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”
Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”
I’ve always understood good sex to include an orgasm and a connection with the person I’m sleeping with. But great mindful sex that’s spiritually, physically, and mentally illuminating for everyone involved is like watching Queen Rania speak: I leave the experience feeling capable and empowered, my body flooded with electric confetti.
When I started having great mindful sex (which began when I turned 40), I noticed a shift in other areas of my life. Work felt more fulfilling and my friendships more meaningful. I wanted to take better care of my body and mind. I swear I started walking a little taller, too. As I’ve continued to feel this way at 41, I’ve realized the gist: When you have mindful sex, the bliss extends beyond the sheets. Because great sex is a portal. More than a happy addition to life, it’s a pillar of good health, a way to connect with yourself and another (or others), and a beautiful right we’re all worthy of.
But as incredible as mindful sex is, it can be an enigma. Lack of connection, health issues, stigmatization, and many other things can get in our way. This is why we need to talk about it—more and more. So I called on two brilliant minds in this space, Cindy Barshop, founder of VSPOT, a women’s intimate and sexual clinic, and Dr. Monica Grover, a double board certified gynecologist and VSPOT Chief Medical Officer, to talk about women’s intimate health, why mindful sex is so critical, and how we can have it.
Because when we have the mindful sex that we want and we talk about it openly—look out: We’re capable of anything.
Why Women Need More Intimate and Sexual Care Support
“We’re just starting to understand how many things impact women’s intimate lives today,” Barshop tells me. Too many women aren’t enjoying the intimacy and connection they deserve. “Sex doesn’t feel good,” she adds. “It’s like, let’s do it and move on to the next thing.” This is why Barshop founded VSPOT: To give women a place to openly talk about their sexual and intimate health concerns and needs without judgment and to connect with a resource for treatment. “You would not believe how many women have sex and intimacy issues—and we are not discussing this enough.”
How often do we take the time to focus on ourselves, our self-care, and what makes us happy? — Dr. Monica Grover
Additionally, women deserve more than just 10 minutes in the doctor’s office, which is so common in Western medicine today. “It’s a shame,” says Dr. Gordon. “Not only do women feel hesitant to speak about some of these conditions in a typical doctor’s office scenario, but doctors are not even allowed to listen.” We need the room, freedom, and support to fully vent, ask, and learn about what makes us feel sexually great.
How Mindful Sex Impacts Our Lives
Sex is more than sex. It’s an avenue for so many more profound things in our lives. But too often, it gets pushed aside and “clouded,” says Dr. Grover. “Women find it as a chore, or it’s painful, or something they’re not looking forward to” because of life stressors, health conditions, menopause, or more.
This is to our detriment because sex makes us feel good. “It’s physiological,” adds Dr. Grover. “When we have an orgasm, we release all of these happy neurotransmitters—oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin—everything that makes us feel great about ourselves.” Add to that, having mindful sex may help ward off certain illnesses and ailments. “We should be focused on our sexual health because that helps with depression.” Plus, research shows that sex can improve productivity.
Barshop puts it best: “Great sex makes your body stronger and healthier. It changes everything.”
How to Have Great, Mindful Sex
In my conversation with Barshop and Dr. Grover, I came away with three takeaways for how to nourish our sexual lives:
#1: We must be bold at the doctor’s office and discuss our sexual frustrations and desires.
“Open up these conversations,” says Dr. Grover. “Say, ‘I’m here because I want to talk about the fact that I have vaginal dryness or I can’t have an orgasm. This is my chief complaint.’ Get the doctors uncomfortable because that’s the only way to open up more awareness around this.”
#2: Mindful sex can be with others or just ourselves.
Whatever it looks like for you, dive into the incredible products available today, from vibrators to lubricants, that encourage more flow to any scenario. “You don’t need a partner,” says Dr. Grover. “Sometimes it’s even better on your own!”
#3: If you have hiccups around your sexual wellness, you’re not alone.
There is a growing community revolutionizing sexual health outside the medical world—including Barshop and Dr. Grover’s work at VSPOT. “Now we have a place where we can spend an hour with you and look at all the solutions,” says Dr. Grover. “We can give women the tools, so they can find that happiness again when they go home.”
The Takeaway
Like anything worthwhile, mindful sex takes a more profound knowing and connection with ourselves. Our instincts may be to quiet our desires and not speak about our sexual issues or wants. Don’t do that, say Barshop and Dr. Grover. We must talk openly—with our doctors, partners, and friends.
Through honesty and conviction, let’s start to normalize and prioritize sexual wellness so we can all have more mindful sex—and feel empowered in everything we want to do.
‘In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.’
The allure of digital relationships that can be curated and controlled comes at the expense of mutual vulnerability
The western drift away from seeking moral instruction from the church is understandable; the morality plays staged every day on Reddit’s infamous “Am I the Asshole?” threads are far more entertaining.
A few weeks ago, a post went viral in which the author seeks a public verdict on the question “AITA for asking my roommates to remove their dildos from the bathroom mirror in a way that was not kind?” The young poster had responded to the presence of newly washed sex toys in a shared space with a disgusted hostility and the dildo-owning flatmate complained the poster should have requested the removal more politely.
This brash – and now VERY public – story of objects once unlikely to be mentioned outside (ahem) the most personal of circumstances appears at the same time US magazine the Atlantic has been discussing “America’s intimacy problem”.
Researchers in the US have noticed a decline in secure attachments between individuals. Growing numbers of Americans find themselves either avoiding or incapable of maintaining intimate social relationships, with the consequence being loneliness and isolation. Psychologists report that even when their clients do want the security and comfort of meaningful connections, “there’s a lot of confusion and fear in terms of how to get there”.
In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.
It’s not an exclusively American problem. In Australia, younger generations have also been in a “sex recession” for years. Figures compiled in 2020 revealed 40% of people in the 18-24 age bracket had never had a sexual partner. Disturbingly, some of those who know sexual contact may not necessarily know it with intimacy, but with coercion.
Sociologists and other researchers have speculated that social media is driving this. From chat to porn, the new networks provide on-demand experiences of connection that resemble in-person interactions without sharing the awkward, human rhythms of the real-world thing. The digital allure is of relationships that can be curated, controlled and contained.
Simultaneously, the portability of image-capture technology has facilitated an era of relentless self-surveillance. Powerful forces incentivise the exploitation of the personal, from the monetisation of the influencer to the desperate social competition for online attention.
The digital paradigm has come to contain us. To admit one is messy, inexperienced, scared, human-shaped or in any way truly vulnerable is an act of trust before another person and we’ve all learned by now to never trust anything pretending to be a person on the internet. Maybe the culture of mistrust fostered on the internet is what’s bleeding into our external lives? The relentless exposure of it renders any revelation of frailty a dangerous prospect.
Meanwhile, experiments such as Arthur Aron’s “36 questions that lead to love” established that it’s the mutual revelation of vulnerability that creates our most intimate bonds.
The terror is valid. The personal cost is incalculable.
Recently I received the sad news that an old theatre friend had passed away, and far too young. We lived on separate continents and had not been in touch for quite some time.
This news of his death, though, has shattered me. The memory that replays itself dates from 19 years ago; we’d stumbled into my apartment to crash after an all-night drunken adventure, and in his besozzlement he found himself unable to remove his contact lenses. He asked for help. My careful fingers peeled the plastic droplets from the eyeballs of my prone-on-the-spare-bed, fully clothed friend and it remains one of the most intimate experiences I’ve had with another human being. It changed the channel of our relationship – not into anything romantic, but into another kind of closeness that remains tricky to explain.
The pain of loss I’m feeling now is the price humans pay for the intensity of these connections.
Restless and raging at the sky in the wake of too many recent deaths, I’m yet to be convinced that the worst flatmate or view-aggregating Tokfluencer doesn’t yearn for the intimacy of a profound friendship, or a loving family, or true romantic love.
For those who may find themselves insecurely attached and sad about it, some gentle guidance: it’s not our social performances that leave an indelible impression behind us – it’s the risk taken to trust someone else when we are in our greatest vulnerability. It’s in these moments we become immortal to each other.
Mainstream society tends to label kinks and fetishes as taboo, which is ironic because a kink is simply anything besides standard “vanilla” sex. Based on this description, being kinky is normal!
I like to think of kinks as the sprinkles of life — anything that deviates from the norm. For instance, perhaps I am loving life and missionary position and my partner gently sucked my toe for a few seconds and I enjoy it. Perhaps I like to call my partner Daddy. Ladies and gentlemen, I just partook in a kink.
Studies have shown that people with kinks and fetishes tend to possess above-average intelligence — so it’s not exactly a bad thing! Kinky folks are the type of people to taste vanilla ice cream and think, wow that is delicious, what happens if you add chocolate syrup?
No, I am not trying to get you on the kink train. What this is really about is why does such a large portion of our society see kinks and fetishes as taboo?
Being kinky is normal
Kink is a consensual practice that includes role-play, power dynamics, or fetishes. It doesn’t have to involve actual sex. Perhaps I love the feel of furry socks on my skin under the sheets. Kinky sex requires communication about desires and limits to make sure everyone enjoys the experience. We often do not even realize we would enjoy something because we label it as being weird or “societally unacceptable.”
When you are close-minded you deny yourself the opportunity to explore your mind and body. Kinks can be simple or they can be complex.
Exploring your partner’s body while alternating between drinking hot tea and sucking on an ice cube or putting on a furry costume and dancing to the electric slide before engaging in wild sex in a kiddy pool full of jello. Spanking, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism, whipping, slapping, or even just talking about kinky stuff during sex, all fall into the “kinky spectrum.”
Most people fit somewhere on the ‘kinky spectrum’
It never occurred to me that kink could be considered a “bad” thing until I became familiar with an online BDSM test. I often recommend this quiz to online daters who want to see if a potential partner might be sexually compatible. Half the time, clients would look appalled and respond with some variation of, “I’m not a pervert.” Which I find unfortunate. After all, as we’ve established, kink is normal!
Is it perverted to admit that I love pizza with lots of toppings? What is a normal for pizza? To discover cheese pizza and then never eat anything else besides cheese pizza or do I start to wonder, “What would it be like if I added green peppers, pepperoni, or jalapeños?”
This doesn’t mean I no longer appreciate pizza, I’m just a normal human being exploring my creativity.
I have had numerous clients over the years who at some point in time during a long-term relationship developed a desire to explore something new. One client started to become aroused by the idea of being dominated. They were extremely afraid of revealing this to their partner. So much so that they hired a dominatrix in order to avoid that conversation completely. This is an extremely common occurrence — but being deceptive or secretive when you have promised your partner you’d be monogamous or honest about interacting with other partners is not healthy.
Wouldn’t it be healthier if we could accept that wanting to try new things in bed is normal and healthy?
People change, and so do their fantasies & desires
It would be stranger to be in a long-term relationship with someone who at no point in time wants to try something new in the bedroom. Something important to remember: People change.
If you develop a new side of yourself you want to explore but choose to ignore it it could lead to anxiety and depression. Failure to overcome a stigma and internalizing that stigma has negative effects on every aspect of your life.
Dirty talk during foreplay or sex is a great way to add variety and keeps things hot. Kinky sex does not have to include BDSM.
When you find someone and you get married it is highly unlikely that their sexuality will not evolve in any way. It’s perfectly normal to encounter something and wonder if it might be enjoyable. It’s normal to want to try something new.
Open communication leads to healthier relationships
It’s important that you have a partner you feel comfortable with so you can discuss your thoughts openly but with compassion. What you don’t want to do is approach your partner with, “Hey we’ve been together a long time and I’m really getting bored. I like variety, you know this, babe. Do you think we could include one of your friends in the bedroom?” or whatever is intriguing you.
I often encounter male clients who want to convince their partners to have an open relationship or at least the occasional threesome. A large portion of the time their partner is not comfortable with bringing another person into their relationship. For these people, I suggest partaking in fantasy. Yes, even this would be considered kinky!
One good way to do this is to go there in your mind and talking through it during foreplay or while having intercourse can be so stimulating that many of my clients were completely satisfied without partaking in an additional partner. The great part is in your mind the rules of life are irrelevant.
The way sex is portrayed in pop culture films and music could easily give you the idea that it, at least physically, should happen easily – particularly for men.
Sex may seem like a straightforward activity but it actually involves a high degree of coordination between the brain and body parts. Recent data suggests that erectile dysfunction affects around one in five UK men, with the figure rising to 50% for the 40-70 age group.
With this data in mind, we set out to explore how we could mathematically model the essence of sexual response in men and improve the experience. We found that too much psychological arousal before or during sexual stimulation can make it difficult to climax.
Until recently, little was known scientifically about physiology and psychology of what happens when people are having sex, partly because of the taboo around it. A breakthrough came in the 1960s with the work of US researchers William Masters and Virgina Johnson. They invited over 380 women and over 300 men to a lab and observed them having sex, taking notes of the physiological changes that happened.
Having collected data from over 10,000 sex acts, Masters and Johnson published their results in 1966 in their Human Sexual Response paper. It proposed a paradigm of the human sexual response cycle as a sequence of excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. For each of these stages Masters and Johnson described in minute detail physiological changes in genital areas, as well as more general reactions, such as hyperventilation, increased pulse and blood pressure, and involuntary sweating immediately after orgasm.
While sexual responses in women are less understood, the Masters-Johnson sexual response cycle for men has stood the test of time and is still the best representation of the stages men go through when having sex. Data collected by later studies showed that female sexual responses are more diverse and don’t follow the linear progression of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution of the Masters-Johnson model.
Practical insights
One of the criticisms of the Masters-Johnson framework was that it did not account for psychological component of sexual response. In our mathematical model, we wanted to capture interactions between physiological and psychological aspects of sexual response in men. Our model focused on how the levels of physiological and psychological arousal (turn-on) change during sexual stimulation.
We combined data about physiological responses from the Masters-Johnson study with insights from five functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies of people having sex from 2003 to 2011. fMRI measures the small changes in blood flow that occur with brain activity.
Our model made two assumptions. First, that psychological turn on increases when someone is physically excited, from watching porn or from observing a partner and interacting with them. We also assumed that after sex, psychological excitement eventually subsides.
Getting over excited
The results of our model show that if a man becomes psychologically overly excited, either due to their initial level of psychological turn-on before, or during sex, this can be detrimental to their chances of achieving orgasm. One explanation for this is that when someone is overly excited they are too focused on their sexual performance or achieving an orgasm.
This can cause anxiety, which is itself a state of psychological overstimulation. As a result, people can come to a frustrating state of being agonisingly close to the point of climax yet not being able to reach it. The solution to this is to mentally switch-off and relax to allow your psychological arousal to decrease.
Another finding of our model is that the level of physical arousal decreases with psychological stimulation. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it fits with the data from fMRI studies from around 15 years ago, in which 21 men were put inside an fMRI scanner and asked to bring themselves to orgasm either through self-stimulation or with the help of their partners.
The results showed that right before orgasm, many areas of the brain become deactivated. These include the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions and threatening stimuli) frontal cortical regions (controls judgement and decision making) and orbitofrontal cortex (integrates sensory input and takes part in decision making for emotional and reward-related behaviour).
So orgasm is associated with letting go – it’s a mental release as much as a physical one.
The same result follows from the Yerkes-Dodson law, which over 100 years ago established that for some tasks optimal physical performance is achieved with intermediate levels of psychological arousal. For example, difficult or intellectually demanding tasks may require a lower level of arousal (to facilitate concentration), whereas tasks demanding stamina or persistence need higher levels of arousal (to increase motivation).
Mathematical models have already helped us understand the dynamics of other physiological processes, such as blood circulation, heart disease, cancer, neural firing in the brain. Applying them to such complex phenomenon such as sexual response can provide insights that can help improve sexual performance and develop new approaches to treatment of sexual dysfunction.
Recent data suggests that while heterosexual men achieve orgasm about 95% of the time, the equivalent figure for heterosexual women is a measly 65%.
Our next step would be to explore how to develop a mathematical model to represent the dynamics of female sexual response using the latest Basson’s circular model, which will hopefully help close the orgasm gap.
Stella, 31 — The thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while
I’ve never found a sexual partner so attractive. When Satya gets naked I immediately feel weak. Soon after we started dating, I was sitting on her sofa after a night out and she put on a sexy, romantic song and gave me a really slow lapdance. She is an amazing dancer and held eye contact without laughing. I was really turned on, but I also felt very nerdy, like an undeserving teenage boy.
Feeling almost painfully desperate because you are so full of desire is a new experience for me and, unexpectedly, I love it.
In previous relationships I have been accused of wanting to have sex less than my partners, which is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy because it’s not a very sexy dynamic if your partner is always itching for it, and you’re the mean one, always withholding.
I often shut my eyes when boyfriends orgasmed because it gave me the ick.
Now often I feel the most turned on when I have to work for it a bit – when Satya doesn’t initially want it as much as me and I have to seduce her.
Satya can find it difficult to orgasm, so we’re working on that together. I get it, because I found it difficult for most of my 20s. For a long time I was convinced I was asexual. Partly that’s because I hadn’t realised I was a lesbian. When I had sex with boyfriends I suppose I got off on the mechanics of it, but I sometimes felt sickened by the closeness of it all. I often shut my eyes when they orgasmed because it gave me the ick.
Recently, Satya and I have started doing special exercises to try to make it easier for her to climax. I will set a timer for 20 minutes, and touch her, and I will stop when the timer goes off, no matter what. The point is to take the pressure off finishing, and concentrate on pleasure.
Most of the time we pencil in a session for the weekend because the thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while. You’re taking it in turns, so you need an hour, absolute minimum. You can’t have a quickie in the same way. If it’s 11pm on a weeknight you can’t get started: you’d be up all night! We like to give it a whole afternoon.
Satya, 33 — I really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure
I met Stella at a party and I remember noticing how self-possessed she was. She didn’t know that many people there but she was entirely at ease. A year on, sometimes I’ll look at her from across the room when we’re out and be struck by that quality all over again. I’ll watch her talking to someone and she’ll be all composed and beautiful, and I’ll think: I’m going home with you.
I’d had sex with one woman before I met Stella, but only had relationships with men. I find it difficult to orgasm with a partner, and I have tended to stop my exes concentrating on me in the bedroom because I worry I take too long. Stella won’t stand for that.
I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well
She introduced this exercise where she sets a timer on her phone and my job is to just enjoy what she’s doing. I know it’s going to end so don’t panic about her getting bored or tired, which are my main concerns and turn me off. Before she puts the timer on, she reminds me I should stop her if I don’t like something and she will never be hurt or offended.
Another rule is her focusing on me, but I’m not allowed to make any sounds. That’s helpful because I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well (even though he often wasn’t). One of the many wonderful things about being with a woman is they’re not so convinced by the fake noises other women make in bed. I also really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure. It makes things much more open and exciting.
The knowledge that I’m attracted to women didn’t strike me like a lightning bolt – it was a slow realisation. I go over it in my head a lot: how did this happen? Is everyone pansexual? Or are all women actually lesbians? Or is it just a random coincidence that I’ve fallen in love with Stella and she happens to be a woman? I think about how much I love her and how happy we are every day.
No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.
That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.
Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.
Bigger isn’t necessarily better
Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.
Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.
Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.
Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.
Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.
Smaller isn’t necessarily bad
A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.
It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.
Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.
And average is, well, smaller than you probably think
Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.
Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:
The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.
To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina
You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.
A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.
It doesn’t affect fertility, either
If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.
For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.
FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.
The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse
Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.
Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.
For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.
Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.
All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.
How to maximize what you’re working with
Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.
There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.
Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.
If you’re more endowed
The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.
Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.
Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.
If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.
First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.
If you’re less endowed
If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.
If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.
Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.
And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.
And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.
And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.
You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.
If you’re somewhere in the middle
Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!
In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.
Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.
The bottom line
Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.
Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!
When it comes to bringing toys into your sex life, there are two schools of thought: There are those who are all for it, firmly believing that the more assets the better for both partners, and there are those who view sex toys as a sign that something isn’t working. To be candid, the only thing not working in those toyless bedrooms is the lack of imagination.
“Let’s think of the pleasure spectrum as an ice cream shop,” sensuality coach and sex educator Eleanor Hadley tells Vice. “There are so many flavors and combinations of pleasure available to us at all times. Sometimes you’ll stick with your go-to classic, but other times you might try something brand new and be sweetly surprised at how delicious it was … No flavor is categorically better than the other, and they’re all simply different … Adding sex toys into the mix when it comes to partnered sex is simply a way for you to enhance pleasure and experience new sensations.”
According to a 2020 study by sexual wellness brand Ella Paradis, 61% of sex toy consumers make purchases for themselves and for partnered play. While this is only the findings of one survey, the fact is, sex toys are very much becoming a part of people’s sex lives. In fact, the same survey found that 98% of U.S. adults believe sexual pleasure is essential to sexual health.
If you’re unsure about whether sex toys have a place in your sex life, the following benefits might just convince you it’s time to try.
It closes the orgasm gap
Although more people with vulvas are learning how to pleasure themselves, and are achieving orgasms on their own and with their partners, the disparity between them and those with penises still exists. This is called the orgasm gap, and it persists because our culture has failed to make the sexual pleasure of those with a vulva just as important as it is for people with a penis.
According to a 2016 study of 52,000 U.S. adults published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 95% of heterosexual men reported that they always or at least usually climax during sex. As for heterosexual women, that number was 65%. While this is just one of the thousands of studies that examine the difference in orgasm rate, no matter which way you turn, the results are always the same: People with penises orgasm far more than those with vulvas.
When you bring toys into the bedroom, you and your partner are closing that gap. For most people with vulvas, clitoral stimulation is necessary to orgasm. In introducing toys like vibrators, those with vulvas are given a greater chance at climaxing.
It opens up a dialogue about desire
While we tend to think of sex toys as dildos and vibrators, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. From cock rings to anal toys to nipple clamps to the kinkiest BDSM toys that surpass your wildest imagination, there’s a sex toy out there for everyone. Sex toys are a multi-billion-dollar market that’s going to continue to grow — not just in financial gains but also in innovation.
Having so many types of sex toys to choose from gives you and your partner the chance to talk about your sexual interests in ways you might not have in the past. Both you and your partner may have fantasies that you were too shy to bring up, but adding toys to your sex life can open up a conversation about specific desires. According to a two-year-long study published in 2018 by Kinsey Institute’s Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, 97% to 98% of U.S. adults report having sexual fantasies. With those numbers, there’s a very good chance that you and your partner have some fantasies you just might want to share with each other.
It allows for more sexual exploration
Like a lot of things in life, sex toys tend to get grouped into gender stereotypes — like thinking vibrators are only for those with vulvas, and butt plugs are only for those with penises — but it’s time to see past that. Vibrators shouldn’t be limited to clitorises. Instead, they should be viewed for the multi-purpose stimulators that they are. The sensation that vibrators provide is just as enjoyable on the perineum (that space between scrotum or vulva and the anus) as it is on the clitoris, nipples, or other erogenous zones.
Whether you’re masturbating alone or engaging in sex acts with your partner, sex toys can radically expand how you think about sex and sexual pleasure. Half the fun is the exploration. It’s always important to keep in mind that sex is an umbrella term for a whole universe of sex-related acts and avenues toward sexual pleasure.
It’s a good way to stay on top of your wellness together
We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we realize that sex, in all its forms, isn’t strictly about pleasure, but also about mental and physical health. While orgasms may feel amazing, what they do for the body and mind is even more astonishing in regard to overall wellness — so much so that people are making masturbation part of their self-care routine.
“In the past, people tended to focus on one area of human wellbeing. But the dialogue has changed. We have a more holistic view,” CMO of luxury sex toy brand Lelo, Luka Matutinovic tells Wired. “We now know that sex is one of the key ingredients. Orgasms give us serotonin and dopamine, which also boosts the immune system. It’s part of our whole wellbeing.”
When you and your partner bring sex toys into the bedroom, it’s not just a sign of wanting to experience pleasure together, but to partake in keeping your wellness in check together too. Caring for each other’s health in such a way strengthens intimate bonds and you both reap the emotional and physical benefits of it.
It creates a deeper appreciation for the human body
The human body is amazing. Not to get all existentialist about it, but the form of the body is, and all its pieces, an extraordinary work of art that we often take for granted. When we make time to understand our own bodies, as well as the bodies of our partners, we learn to appreciate every aspect of it — not just the genitals, but the whole package. Sexuality and sexual pleasure reside on a very long spectrum, and this looks and feels different for everyone. Getting to know what you enjoy, what your partner gets off on, and how you can bring those sensations and feelings together creates a deeper appreciation of the body. It opens our minds to the complicated fragility of what it means to be human, as well as a sexual being.
Even if you think you’ve mastered the understanding of your body and your partner’s body, there’s always more to learn. Sexuality and sexual pleasure ride that spectrum up and down over our entire lifetimes, so nothing is ever set in stone. Welcoming sex toys into your sex life won’t just make you and your partner better lovers, but better friends because of the conversations that will emerge from throwing, say, a double-ended dildo into the mix. Now that’s a chat that’s going to open up a lot of potential for exploration and experimentation.
At various points in our lives, orgasms can be the ultimate bliss and the ultimate frustration. Remember that our relationships with our bodies can be fluid and changeable, and sometimes, this can change the sex we have with our partners. For many women, achieving orgasm with a partner can be a challenge — even when achieving orgasm alone, or with the assistance of something akin to a handy-dandy vibrator, comes easily. We may start to blame ourselves, our partners may start to blame themselves, and the bedroom can start to feel anxiety-provoking, rather than a relaxing space to unwind and enjoy all the pleasures our bodies can feel.
Should you be looking for solutions to easier orgasms, but you’re having trouble honing in on what could be addressed, we have some ideas for you. Women spoke exclusively with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, to better understand what barriers might need to be broken to achieve orgasm with your partner. She said, “Sex is not a performance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Take the pressure off of yourself and focus on enjoying the moment. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned; it happens to the best of us.”
Put your body first
Whether you have recently been struggling to orgasm in the bedroom, or have been struggling for some time, the stress of wondering, “Am I going to orgasm this time?” could be enough to stop you from being in the moment. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Sometimes, our brains can get in the way of our bodies. If you’re too worried about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you might end up putting too much pressure on yourself and making it harder to actually get there.” In order to combat this, remind yourself that when it comes to sex, there is no race to the finish; there is no “right” amount of time it “should” take to get to orgasm. Instead, feeling and embracing pleasure throughout the sex act is part of the experience.
Should you feel your mind racing during sex, and the anxiety over your orgasm has set in, try to redirect your thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. Remind yourself that it is okay to let go of the expectation of orgasm. Perhaps you will be surprised how far that can take you.
Prioritize quality stimulation
Remember also that, when engaging in sex with a new partner, it could simply take time to learn about each other’s bodies. And, of course, knowing your own body is key. “Masturbation can be a helpful way to learn what types of touch and stimulation feel good for you,” Dr. Aliyah Moore said, speaking exclusively with Women. “When you know what feels good for you, it can be easier to communicate that to your partner and guide them to provide the stimulation you need to reach orgasm.”
While you might feel self-conscious speaking up to your partner when you want them to do something different, keep in mind that your partner wants to please you. You can communicate before sex, or gently guide your partner through movements that feel good to you during sex as well. “Approach the issue with empathy and an open mind, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you,” Dr. Moore said. “Try to avoid blame or criticism and instead focus on finding ways to support each other and address the issue together.” Do not be afraid to tell your partner when a certain action does not feel good, either. Incorporating longer foreplay into your sexual encounters has also been shown to increase the rate of orgasm, according to a 2014 article published in Human Reproductive Biology.
Review your medications
Being on certain kinds of medications, namely antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka SSRIs, can also significantly impact one’s ease in having an orgasm. For those whose depression symptoms are significantly improving on medication, but are still having trouble in bed, there are some ways you can work around side effects that might include lack of sex drive, or difficulty reaching orgasm.
First, know that over time, the side effects of SSRIs on your libido can sometimes fade as your body adjusts to the medication. Should you have just started your treatment and feel frustrated with the changes in your sex life, do what you can to be gentle with yourself, and give the circumstances some patience. Should the issue persist, “Talk to your doctor,” Dr. Aliyah Moore suggested, speaking exclusively with Women. “If you’re experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical conditions or medication side effects that could be contributing to the problem. Your doctor may be able to suggest treatments or adjustments to your medication that could help,” she said. This could include anything from lowering the dose when appropriate, to switching medications to see if the issue continues.
Assess your physical health issues
A number of physical issues could also hinder your ability to orgasm in bed. One is anorgasmia. According to Mayo Clinic, “Anorgamsia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.”
There are other issues, too. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Unfortunately, certain health conditions can impact our sexual function. Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries are just a few examples. But even things like hormonal imbalances or thyroid issues can play a role.”
There are also several kinds of sexual dysfunction disorders that could contribute to issues with orgasming, where symptoms could include having pain during sex, perhaps caused by ovarian cysts or fibroids, and having a lack of sexual desire or arousal. Age does tend to be a factor in many sexual dysfunction disorders, however. For any number of these concerns, see a doctor or specialist for treatment plans and ideas.
Consider the role of past trauma
ƒsubPast trauma can also be a sensitive barrier to achieving orgasm. When you have had a traumatic experience surrounding sex, reclaiming your body can be a process that necessitates care, love, attention, and trust. Survivors of sexual assault, for example, might experience self-blame, disgust, or otherwise feel disconnected from their bodies, which can make sexual experiences hard to enjoy. Some may even have flashbacks of the traumatic incident. Know that it is possible to repair your relationship with your body and with sex, even when it feels challenging. Understanding your triggers and boundaries, as well as engaging in robust communication, are just a few ideas that can help shape what you want out of your sexual experiences.
Perhaps you might simply be having issues in your relationship that make having an orgasm difficult. “If past trauma or relationship issues are impacting your ability to orgasm, working with a therapist can be helpful in addressing these issues,” said Dr. Aliyah Moore, speaking exclusively with Women. She continued, “A therapist who specializes in sexual issues can help you work through any underlying psychological factors that may be impacting your ability to reach orgasm.” And where therapy is financially unfeasible, explore sexual education resources online. The sex exploration app Ferly, for example, offers expert guides, insight, and community for a small fee each month.
In the end, Dr. Moore advised, “Be gentle with yourself and your partner: It’s important to remember that sexual function can be impacted by various factors, and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.”
Having sex is healthy. Most experts also agree that it’s beneficial to couples — it’s basic human nature! Plus, who doesn’t want to see their partners enjoy sex? It’s easy to navigate your way while getting it on in the bedroom. However, communicating with your partner to find out what she likes in bed is easier — just ask her!
If you’re not sure which questions to ask to find out what she likes in bed, we got you! Here are 10 ways to find out what she likes in bed (not necessarily in order):
Ask your partner these questions to find out what she likes in bed:
1. “How do you like to be kissed?
Sex or no sex, kissing is an intimate act — not only can it oftentimes be a wholesome act, but it’s also a great way to show your emotional and physical admiration for her. But what’s important to know is how she even wants to be kissed in the first place.
Asking her how she likes to be kissed may not sound that important, but you can find out what she likes in bed by getting to the details of how she likes kissing and being kissed — how much tongue does she like? Does she enjoy her lower lip lightly bitten or sucked? What’s her preferred pace?https://www.laweekly.com/how-to-find-out-what-she-likes-in-bed/
Moreover, even though kissing is commonly done, some women don’t like being kissed at all! If she’s one of those people, respect her preference — it’s probably not because of you. But if it is you, then this question is even more relevant to ask — because you’ll find out how you can improve your kissing game.
2. “Do you like to give oral sex?”
To some women, going down on their partner can be intimidating — because not a lot of them are confident with their fellatio skills. If this is the case, you can reassure her or teach her how you prefer receiving oral sex. But if she’s just not into it, that’s her decision to make.
But if she does like giving oral sex, then, well…it’s a win-win for you two!
3. “Do you like being on the receiving end of oral sex?”
Again, oral sex — some women like giving it, some women like receiving one, and some just don’t! One reason a woman doesn’t like receiving oral sex is because they’re insecure about the “odor” that they think they have down there. If this is her reason for having an aversion to cunnilingus, let her know that the vagina isn’t meant to smell like roses — and there will be a certain scent that shouldn’t be considered “foul!” Unless, of course, she has an infection — if so, that should be treated right away!
Another reason for a woman not wanting to be on the receiving end of oral sex is it simply just doesn’t do anything for them — some might even feel that their clitoris can get “overstimulated.” On the other hand, if she doesn’t mind cunnilingus, then, there’s another act that can amp up your sex life!
4. “What makes you orgasm?”
Women climax to different triggers. Some like their nipples played with, some prefer clitoris massages, others need g-spot or cervix stimulation — other women also get off to anal sex. Regardless of which one it is, it’s important to find out what makes her orgasm. Isn’t that the ultimate goal anyway?
5. “How do you feel about having sex in public places?”
If you and your partner agree that public sex is a “yay,” and you guys plan on doing it, find out first the laws in which the sex act will be committed. Public sex is common and it’s typically done in planes (aka the mile-high club), cars, parks, and so on. It’s generally harmless when no one catches you in the act, but, in California, public sexual activity is an offense.
The California penal code 647(a) states that it’s a crime to “engage in or to solicit anyone to engage in lewd or dissolute conduct in any public place or in any place open to the public or exposed to public view,” Therefore, when engaging in public sex, you and your partner should be very careful. It’s also best that you’re aware of the possible repercussions if you get caught!
6. “Are you into threesomes or group sex?”
Group sex is a common sexual fantasy — and lots of folks also engage in one. If you or your partner is into threesomes or group sex, discuss first who and how you’ll get other people to join the ”party!” What will the situation be like? — MFM? MMF? FFM? FMF? Are you and your partner exclusive? Will it remain that way afterward? These are the few questions that you and your partner should discuss.
But if you’re not into threesomes, group sex, swinging, or polyamory, in general, you don’t have to engage in one! She also has to respect your decision, if so — and so should you with her decision, if she’s the one who refuses to participate in those aforementioned non-monogamous sex acts.
7. “Do you like using sex toys?”
Adult toys have made their way into countless women’s nightstands. But if your partner doesn’t own one, doesn’t plan on owning one, and she’s not open to being stimulated by one, then you can stick to — uhh — sticking your own junk inside instead.
On the other hand, if she does like sex toys, then sex can become even more exciting — because you’ll have a device (or two, or more!) to help you make her achieve an orgasm!
8. “What’s your favorite position?”
Sometimes, we have to go back to basics: a simple switch in position is enough to make a woman orgasm! You just have to find out what she likes in bed by asking what her favorite position is! Whether it’s eye contact from an intimate missionary position, or she likes to receive it from behind — for maximum cervix stimulation — there are creative ways to make her climax.
9. “Are you into sexting?”
Turning her on doesn’t always have to involve physical contact. Sometimes, sexting is enough to make her want you in the bedroom ASAP! But find out first if she’s into that. Furthermore, ask her how she feels about dick pics, sending her nudes, or if she also wants to send you some.
10. “Do you have preferred erotic acts, kinks, fetishes, or sexual fantasies?”
In essence, penetrative sex is the act of repeatedly thrusting the penis inside a woman’s orifice — be it the vagina or the anus. But most people don’t settle with just that! That’s why it’s practically normal to have sexual preferences, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes — even if it’s simple hair-pulling or spanking. Additionally, some are into, say, shower sex or dirty talk.
Some women also like being tied up or blindfolded — and other women prefer doing these to their partner instead. Regardless of what it is, she probably has one erotic act that she enjoys doing — or be done to her. Just like you!
Speaking of kinks…
However, some kinks, fantasies, or fetishes have to be thoroughly thought of before you and your partner perform them — some of them may be commonly done, and they sure as heck wouldn’t be common if they weren’t enjoyable to many, but there are possible dangers to some sex acts.
Here are common sex acts and kinks you can ask to find out what she likes in bed, and the potential consequences:
Age gap kink
Age gap kink, DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl), or as the internet calls it: the daddy kink! Some women like to role-play that they’re being dominated by someone older than them — or someone who will simply just dominate them. But it also depends on her fantasies about how big the “age gap” will be and how sexually aggressive their “Daddy” will be. In some instances, it’s she who wants to role-play as the older person — or be called “Mommy” in some situations.
However, make sure that the age gap kink remains a kink or act of role-play — under no circumstances should either party involve an actual minor! According to Searah Deysach, a sex educator based in Chicago, in her interview with Insider (regarding the age gap kink), “It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,”
Role-playing as a minor (whether it’s her or if she asks that it be you) isn’t necessarily a “red flag,” but the actual involvement of a minor is a serious, serious crime that can inevitably land you both in jail!
Foot fetish
Foot fetish involves performing sexual acts using the feet. But sometimes, the feet are the “main event.” Some women like her feet adored, and some like her feet tickled, licked, or stimulated. Now, a foot fetish is far from dangerous. If she has this fetish, and you’re willing to give it a go, just make sure that you guys are licking each other’s clean feet! It harbors tons of bacteria!
Choking
Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or breath play seems to be another trending topic or widely-discussed kink on the internet. It involves cutting off the oxygen supply to the brain — which enhances sexual excitement. This can be a safe sexual act if you know how to properly perform it. If she’s into choking, and you’re willing to perform it on her, do your research first on how to properly sexually choke someone!
The United States National Library of Medicine published a journal and they estimate that 200 to 1,000 people die from erotic asphyxiation every year. Therefore, we cannot stress it enough: do your research first!
BDSM
You can say that BDSM is one of the few all-time favorite kinks! That’s why if she’s into BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, Masochism, you shouldn’t be too surprised! Lots of sexual acts fall under the BDSM category. Therefore, there isn’t a single act to define what it is — or what she would want you guys to do.
However, again, BDSM is supposed to involve non-dangerous or non-permanent ways of inflicting mild to moderate pain or discomfort for erotic purposes. Thus, one should be very careful when performing BDSM with your partner. Have a safe word!
All in All,
The best way to find out what she likes in bed ultimately boils down to one thing: communication. Whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, or FWB, it’s important to find out what she likes in bed — so you guys can make the most out of your experience and both of you achieve la petite mort! Because neither of you deserves an uncomfortable one — and definitely not a risky one!
Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”
She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”
Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”
On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.
“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.
The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.
Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”
He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.
For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”
While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”
Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.
Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”
It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.
Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.
A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”
He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”
Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.
It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”
It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”
Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”
For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.
“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”
Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”
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